2020 Mellora TumblerBy @CVJOINTsequence
A super exclusive exercise in Capitalism that widely misses the mark!
It was a quiet evening in the BbD offices and I was bored. Couldn’t be bothered to design more Bogliqs and it was getting very late. Trolling my way through the Automation forum I came across this post by @CVJOINTsequence; nice car, I wonder what the actual design’s like?
After a quick glance over the car I just HAD to tinker. This Mellora product was underwhelming in its stats and wasn’t scoring in any categories at all. There were some glaring errors in engineering judgement as well as some more subtle flaws, but the overall design concept was sound; make a fast, FWD, V8 convertible that was fun to drive, quicker to 100Km/h than base level Znopresk or Ardent mid-size sedans and could barely hang onto the coat-tails of a base level offering from Gryphon Gear…
The Tumbler packs a small capacity V8, 2.2L to be exact, with a brace of turbo chargers. The gearbox is sequentially operated and the cabin is a VERY nice place to be. Fit and finish is better than any rifle bolt and would satisfy even engineering royalty for the lack of variances. The colour is really nice and suits the cars lines well, flattering this lady’s curves and covering over her (non-existent) flaws. You could travel a continent in this car without feeling it and EVERYONE knows how exclusive A Mellora is, so jealous! Unfortunately they don’t realise that exclusivity comes at a steep cost…
The Tumbler is obscenely expensive. It costs the dealer over five and a half million Automation units and that’s cost, so retail is another million on top… We sent spies to the Mellora factory (actually it’s streamed, live, 24/7 on the interwebs, lol) and what we found shocked slash aroused us. Turns out Mellora’s are hand built by Internet thot’s, wearing only short shorts and flimsy white tank tops, with the factory being kept at a nip-slippingly chilled 18 degrees Centigrade! Each part is hand milled by a nuclear powered x-ray laser that discards any parts if they’re a thousandth of a micron out of spec. The interior is made from only free trade, 100% locally sourced plastic, the leather is ethically sourced kitten skin and the wood is WTO certified authentic, sustainably harvested Caribbean driftwood.
Each car is meticulously crafted, hand finished and precision engineered and takes a long time to build. The result is undeniably comfy and prestigious, however, the result is also pure unobtanium. Only the most jaded customer gets so bored with other offerings that they need a Mellora but they do exist, surprisingly, as your teenage children will attest to as they excitedly show you the latest Brittany Swift Youtube video.
Mellora has undercooked the Tumbler. Badly. The engine revs to 5000rpm, makes 156Kw and doesn’t come with a complimentary thot; you have to find your own apparently. The sequential gearbox is only four speeds and the top speed is gear limited to just under 215Km/h. Servicing is a nightmare and parts are very expensive. No mechanic is willing to touch such an expensive and tightly toleranced car and the dealer rubs their hands in glee, unpack their wallet Hoover’s and plan for an early retirement on the annual service anniversary. Mellora will fail, and soon, if they keep doing business this way…
TO BE CONTINUED