tips for next csr?
Preliminaries 2: Dead Meme Boogaloo
The next evening, the couple sits back down again. The roadmap was laid out again for their consideration, now flanked by a bottle of fine
B.C.Albertan wine. Sarah is once again, with them.
“Back to ‘er buds!” Brad said after a sip of wine.
@Ludvig - Batz Brandon 20CEV Adventure Ed
You ever just drive a Hot Wheels car? No? Well now you c-
“Jheez, who thought that was a good idea…” Sarah suddenly interrupted,
“No idea, it definitely looks like nothing on the road… but is it good at all?” Michelle answered
-an. The Batz is a very bizarre MPV, which surprisingly, isn’t that bad. That’s what we thought until we hit the Cochrane Trans-Canada cloverleaf’s weave zone. This thing just will not accelerate. In fact, it’s only easy to drive solely because it’s absolutely gutless. We stamped on the throttle to get from 80 km/h to a respectable 10 km/h over the highway limit, and let me tell you this… it did it slower than some of our vehicles from 0-100. After a series of full-throttle charges onto various highways and local arterials, the engine finally gave in. We were now on the side of Glenmore in the middle of rush hour traffic with a limp-moded batmobile on marijuana, waiting for CAA to pick us up. Oh, did I mention? The right speaker failed afterwards too.
“What’s up with all these speakers failing?” Sarah asked,
“Iunno, but looks like Batman’s engine died, just like his parents eh bud? Hahahaahahaha!”
“Dad what the fuck…”
Very low engine and trim reliability is worrying. Worst 80-120 km/h straight-line performance in the pack. Binno.
@Wachu - Krieger Venturer
The Venturer, although large and comfy inside, had its journey cut short. We gave it a few punches on the 93 to test out how much punch it delivered, and the infamous check engine light came on only one day into our journey. Turns out the engine was not tuned in favour of its weak pistons, in fact, at all. Consumer reports mention various mechanical problems once the Venturer got up higher in the revs, with shot piston rings lead-
“Fuck no, hun.”
“At least the speakers didn’t go, hah…” Sarah pointed out
The subwoofer went out afterwards.
Engine pistons are NOT in good health after a decent rev, not the most capable off-road, excessive camber. As a result, has the highest service costs out of the pack.
@undercoverhardwarema - Star Raider Rough N Tumble
The Rough N Tumble, as the name suggests, was rough on our spines and took a few good tumbles on the Lost Knife trail. Simply put, it wasn’t the most comfortable on our backs and surprisingly, despite its tough styling, didn’t perform too well on our trails either. On the positive side however, consumer complaints related to interior and engine issues are quite minimal.
Despite being quite a reliable vehicle, the Rough N Tumble just did not cut the chase off-road, and wasn’t the most comfortable due to its very small interior space.
@Mikonp7 - Deer And Hunt Hawg Safari 4Door
The Hawg just about follows the same fate as the Raider. It’s back-breaking, it’s cramped, but it’s quick and capable. In fact, it’s also quite silly. The modular roof made us a good dinner table when we camped out in Whistlers near Jasper. The next day, we hit the trails with this thing and it took on the terrain quite well. Despite shaking us around quite a bit, we were satisfied with how it performed. The problems however, came to haunt us when we got onto the road. The automatic locking differential made it difficult to enjoy the serenity of Jasper’s wilderness, mostly because all we were able to hear was that damn thing clicking on and off, on and off, on and off. In frustration, Jason decided to just enjoy its peppy acceleration and floor it, which left the radiator leaking. Both speakers failed right afterwards. Now Jason rides in the Kencana alongside everyone else with a broken down press car.
“Gah, the roof thingy was so cool! Shame…” Michelle said in disappointment.
Capable, peppy, but very unreliable on the engine front. Not very comfortable at all.
@On3CherryShake - Hokuto Konora CLE
The Konora provides us with all the bells and whistles in the safety department. Automatic forward collision braking? Lane-keep assist? 360 camera? Nice. The Konora was enjoyable on the roads; comfortable enough to not destroy your back and lively enough to not drive you into deep sleep, although the outdated SatNav system was a bit of an eyesore to our tester Naomi. Acceleration is on the peppy side with a 0-100 time of 7.3 seconds; much appreciated for the times you need to really step on that pedal. Once we hit the dirt however, the Konora’s charm faded quite a bit. The lack of a rugged undertray meant that we were constantly throwing rocks right at the muffler, while its road-oriented setup gave it problems in the mud. The blue Hokuto driven by Naomi eventually got stuck, which then prompted the Kencana to come and dig it out. Consumer reviews find that the Hokuto suffers some of the same problems as the Kadett; premature rust-
“Fucken soccer mom vehicle eh hun?” Brad said, cutting the review short.
“I want it…….” Sarah answered.
The Konora was crossed off the list. Great on the road, subpar off the beaten path.
@Navara - Yaman Shau
Abdel’s replacement came, and such replacement was the Yaman Shau. In Abdel’s words, it was ‘like getting a stone therapy massage after a long flight’. The interior was very spacious, the ride, like a cloud thanks to the Activetronik system, the sound system, absolutely wonderful. Abdel related its experience to riding first class on a jumbo jet. Perhaps the Yosemite traumatized him quite a bit but who knows, we’ll take what he has to say. Take this though, Abdel “the mentally scarred” Amari also mentioned the Shau’s acceleration and gave it nothing but praise. Well, besides the fact that it was mentioned to be quite a slug around the corners. From a standstill to 100, it was your typical SUV; nice and gentle, as if it were a motherly figure setting you into a cradle. From 80 to 120 though, the marvelously-engineered power plant would catapult it past Banff’s rental-plated tourist traffic like a f***ing deer. It was some sort of spiritual Yin & Yang ordeal with how much duality this vehicle possessed. In fact, it didn’t stop there. We already know that the Yaman is as tidy and comfortable the equivalent of a fold-flat bed and a plate of caviar on the road. When it had to get its hands dirty and slay the dragon at the end of Ruby, it did so with grace and composition; an Épée clean-cut through the monster’s heart. The Shau sliced through the mud, the river, the banks as easy as En-garde, Pret, Allez. Ju-
“Fuckin’ praise dude! Sophisticated and badass, I’m fucken in!” Brad cut the review short once again
“Just note that a fraction of consumers have been reporting issues with the complicated suspension setup, but such is surprisingly, not too expensive to repair.”
“Shucks. Whatever, it’s a tradeoff I’m willing to make. We got the money, right Mich?”
“Yeah! I love how it looks too. Understated but freakin’ elegant. This would look awesome in the pictures!”
“Right, we’ll go check it out right-”
Sarah then barged into their conversation,
“Keep on looking at the other cars though! Say, I do kind of want them to buy this however”
“Whatchu say, hun?”
“Uh, nothing! Carry on!”
The Yaman Shau was considered on a whim. Although the reliability is watered down by some very fancy bells and whistles, the engine still manages to be quite strong. Maintenance costs are quite low for the parts too!
@Oldenways - Quost H55 2.8 alltrak+
The somehow-good looking H55 by Quost was the vehicle trailing behind the very impressive Shau, and frankly, it had a hard time living up to it. It was a peppy car on the highway, yet not as composed over the bumps as the competition. For the price, the Shau outperforms it in almost every aspect except for electronic reliability. On the trails, the H55 struggled with its viscous differential, finding itself drowning in the deeper pools of mud.
“Ooh, luxurious!” Michelle mentioned
“Looks ain’t everythin’ though hun. I ain’t gonna deal with this thing on sum dirt.”
A great city-oriented vehicle, but struggles once it hit the dirt. The attractive Quost H55 was not considered.
@titleguy1 - Kimura Devorak SCt4 2.3t Offroad Package
The bold, striking Devorak bears a face that imposes itself on any car it tailgates. When you see it in the rearview, you best move out of the way… or so you think. You see this beast pull up on you, ready to devour your flesh with its sharp, aggressive fangs. You’re out in the open, gasping for air, clinging onto your life. You see the Devorak about to open its mouth, roar and rip you to pieces. You’re dead meat. Right? Wrong. But instead it lets out a cute little bark and nibbles on your toe. When it charges at you, it does so at walking pace compared to some of our other cars. 8.6 seconds to 100 km/h isn’t bad, don’t get us wrong, but definitely not the fastest. Must have a large stomach for stuff other than people? Nope. It hates plants, herbs and the like as the third row doesn’t fold flat. It should at least be a good climber like a bear. Right? Nope. It’s not a terrible tree climber, but it takes a couple tries for it to get over the obstacles. Well if it’s none of those, is it at least dependable like a dog? Nope. Consumers have reported consistent issues with the electronics and the engine, and in fact, our press car went into limp mode after a few donuts in the sand. The left speaker went out afterwards. You’ve heard of a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but this is nothing more than a sheep in wolf’s clothing.
“HA! Sheep in wolf’s clothing? Ya get that one Mich?”
“That was absolutely lit! Yeet!”
“How many speakers…” Sarah whispered, trying her hardest to avoid her mother’s dialogue.
The Devorak is a great looking car, with rather average statistics and mediocre engine reliability. It was not considered, although it got Sarah’s attention with the striking styling.
@GetWrekt01 - Vector Ordos XT Turbo
“Fuck nah hun.” Brad interjected.
“Read a little more maybe?” Sarah added
Consumer reliability reports were negative, mentioning multiple problems with the infotainment system, as well as the mirrors spontaneously folding inwards during regular driving. It’s quick, but it’s absolutely tedious throwing the sequential shifter back and forth, and dealing with the 20 psi of boost was just too much of a handful. 20… psi…
“Kay, that’s it for me! Next!”
The Ordos was not considered. Sequential transmission, poorly-tuned engine, and some of the lowest trim reliability to name a few issues.
@MrChips - Rebel Overland 1500 SuperCab 2WD
The Overland wasn’t a vehicle we necessarily requested to test, it was an obligation we imposed on ourselves. This is Alberta. Half our traffic consists of trucks. You want something fast? Truck. You want something comfy? Truck. You want something badass? Truck. The Rebel is one of the many which conform to the province’s truck-traffic manifesto, and in fact, it was the only ‘real’ truck to enter the competition. Rob loved its imposing view on the lesser beings, with praise being attributed to its peppy merging power. Where his praise fell however, is in its ride quality. It has a live axle in the rear, it was expected by him. He tried to sound mean when he complained but deep down, he loved this thing. Out in Banff, the Overland was a bit of a struggle to maneuver like the Shromet and KAG. We all had a good laugh seeing James, a man not experienced with trucks, attempt to park it in the town’s crowded parking lots. Out on the trail, the Overland lived up to its name. The base model we tested powers the rear wheels only, but even so, the Rebel was more than capable of digging through. Somehow. Consumer reliability reports have been astonishing. Although the truck cheaps out on many materials inside, it is stupid dependable. B.S. Power also states that it is bound to last a long time, due to its emphasis on the chassis materials.
“Cheap interior…” Michelle spoke under her breath,
“Woah!!! This thing is badass! That’s how a fuckin’ truck should be built; dependable, strong, like a fuckin’ beast! Fuck that hippie land hatchback bullshit this is what Canada should be! ALBERTA STRONG!! FUCK NOTLEY!! WE RUN ON OIL NOT ON TAX DOLLARS!!! WE MARCH WITH OUR TRUCKS STRONG AND FREE, COME ON ‘BERTA COUNT ON THEE-”
After a couple minutes of Brad’s singing and Michelle and Sarah trying to shut him up, the Rebel was considered. What awaits them in the test drive however, will be to their surprise.
Nissan Rogue Raiden Erebus
The Raiden was one of our few wildcards, and we weren’t very impressed. What did impress us however, was its great fuel economy and peppy acceleration. It’s inexpensive, but it comes with a lot of repercussions because of that. Hitting bumps rocked the car back and forth like no tomorrow, dealing with the lesser interior didn’t help either. On the trails, the Erebus got beached almost inst-
“You see? This is why the hippies out west fucken SUCK! THIS IS THE PRODUCT OF THE NDP!! YOUR FUEL SIPPING COMPACT SHITOVER IS NOTHING COMPARED TO THE BRUTE FORCE OF-”
“Hun, it’s actually pretty fast though.”
“Oh… well… it’s still bad!! WE MARCH WITH OUR TRUCKS STRONG AND FR-”
After stopping Brad’s singing for the second time (it’s surprising how he is such a good electrical engineer), the family removed the Erebus from their considerations. An open differential will just not vibe well on whatever might end up hitting them.
@Keikyun - CAZ Carpathian
The Carpathian is unusual. The front is rather aggressive, but such seems fit for the offroad-focused CAZ. It manages to be just as quick as the Shau in the 100-metre dash onto the Trans-Canada, and in fact a bit quicker from launch. Furthermore, it’s rather comfy. Off the tarmac, the CAZ is dependable, although not as strong-willed as the Shau. Still though, it chugs on just fine. The brakes are a bit on the touchier end, while its handling is subpar like the Yaman, but we can’t fault it as both vehicles are quite solid.
“Solid like the Shau? Why not?” Michelle said
“Bit of a weird look, but I’ll take it for a rip eh.”
The Carpathian was considered. A well-rounded car with great build quality on the trim side of things.
@Rezn.TM - Masada Spirit JsX 4x4.
16 miles to the gallon! Sixteen!!! The Spirit, although very reliable, chugs gas like no tomorrow, and not for any good intentions too. It’s as big as Per Mertesacker, and runs just as fast as him too. Our tests found out the Spirit takes a whopping 10.5 seconds to 60 kil-
The Masada was tossed away for its mediocre fuel economy, comfort, and straightline performance.
@Alex.kuc00 - Albany Crossland
To sports aficionados, Calgary, Alberta is synonymous with all things winter: lots of snow, lots of slopes, lots of mountains, lots of ski lifts. But here I am enjoying 7,000-foot Olympian views in August. There are no falling flakes in sight on this 22-degree day. So, where does the all-new 2018 Albany Crossland fit in? Well, it’s got the thrill and excitement of a resort vacation – but in the off-season. All the goods are still there, but some of the best stuff is invariably closed for the true enthusiasts. However, it was on those twisty, curvy, dirty paths through the region’s national forests that made me feel something other than confidence behind the wheel. And the drive route featured such roads in excess. There were enough “off-road” miles to make Huangdou and Haruna owners giggle but others want to cry “Uncle.” The Crossland is not meant to be a rally competitor, yet it acted as if it were capable of such feats, possessing a strange eagerness to drift around blind corners. But instead of torque vectoring like it’s supposed to, the Crossland’s tail end would slide out just to the edge of out-of-control. Granted, the vehicle always recovered with the help of some strategic counter-steering, but even when following our hurried photographer for some car-to-car video, I opted to play it slow and safe behind his seemingly more stable rental fleet Huangdou Baolei.
And I really wanted to feel confident that day. Sigh.
“Another one of ‘em B.C. mobiles innit?”
“Not gonna cut it.” Michelle replied.
The Crossland was not considered. Not good off-road due to that damn open diff. Just don’t take it to the mountains.
@EddyBT - BT Motors Capra XHO Whistler SP
The locally-manufactured Capra from B.C-
“Hol up what? Fuck that shit bud!” Brad interrupted
“Come on, it might be good” Sarah followed.
Capra from B.C. is one of the stranger trucks; it’s unibody with links in the rear instead of the dependable leaf, yet it can hold the weight of a compact sedan in its trunk. On Deerfoot, it was fast, merging quick into traffic despite fitting right in snugly. Now you may ask, why are we still in the city? It’s because we drove this thing down to the Heritage Costco to give this car a real test. We bought ourselves a few snacks and survival tools for the trip, but just for the fun of it, we also rolled someone’s Smart car into the back of it at his permission. To our surprise, the Capra didn’t slump a bit. With that test out of the way, we drove the surprisingly maneuverable light truck back with the crew. The truck did so cozily and with great comfort, and once it hit the trails, not much changed either. It was more than capable enough to roam through Cardinal Falls’ striking scenery, well, besides the fact that its centre-locker disengages beyond 30 km/h-
“I’ll take it! It looks great!” Michelle interrupted
“I guess I oughtta give those stinkin lefties a chance, watchu think eh hun?”
“It’s pretty…” Sarah replied.
The Capra was considered. Despite not being a R E A L truck, it sure has hell performed like one.
@ElMenduko - Boulanger New Sénégal TX
The Europe-focused Senegal is a mix of high-tech with low running costs. The eLSD system works wonderfully, and makes it super easy to maneuver too. What isn’t too exciting, is its gutless engine, which has it take quite some time just to get going on the freeway. Cargo size leaves much to be desired too. God forbid if you live in an area with a lot of snow and salt too, because the owners have been reporting superficial corrosion on some panels.
“Too slow, will rust. Nah.” Michelle said
“Looks great and cute though! Much better than that green parrot-looking thing from a few years ago.” Sarah added
The New Senegal is impressive in one aspect; the fact that an eLSD was fit inside of it with a bit of adjustment. However, being too slow and rust-prone, it was not considered. Cute car though, Sarah dug it.
@Kyuu77 - KGB Adventurer
The Adventurer is a tin can. It’s fully made out of aluminum in hopes that it won’t rust at all, and it would definitely have a hard time rusting. What baffles us, is the fact that it runs with live axles on the front and rear, which made it a pain to-
“I’m sorry, two live axles? Fuck that shit eh.”
“Ugly…” Sarah added.
Uncomfortable, kind of cramped, two solid axles? Not for the couple. Bin!
@Drain - Hoshi Terros Reyna
Think about this for a second. You’re playing a video game and suddenly everyone starts freezing and running in their place. The game resumes after 5 seconds of you yelling at the screen, and by the time it does, you’re dead on the ground and you threw the entire round. That is exactly what the Terros’ engine feels like. Journal bearing turbos that spool at 5800 RPM? Bad. 17 miles to the gallon? Awful. We also comp-
“Fuck no, hun”
“Heck no, honey.”
Mediocre engine, terrible fuel economy and plain styling toss the Hoshi right into the bin.
@CC9020 - Saito Anzen CE
The Anzen is a sterile-looking car. It’s unassuming but at the same time, quite impressive. It was decently peppy, maneuverable and comfortable. More importantly, it’s capable offroad. The Anzen performed well on the trails, yet we had to be a bit more careful due to its lack of protection at the bottom. Consumer reports show no complaints with the engine, complementing the bulletproof inline-6 for various aspects including its incredible fuel economy (40 miles to the gallon!). Minimal electrical issues followed as well due to the solid build quality on the inside. Just put a coating on the bottom though, because corrosion is expected to occur.
“It’s well-rounded eh? We might as well give ‘er a rip too.”
**The Anzen was considered due to its high reliability and decent off road capability, albeit not having any protection.
@Redd - Murano Aspen XS
The Aspen is quick. Good. However, the Aspen got stuck on the tiny hill just outside its dealer in Canyon Meadows. Nothing is coated either so good luck with it lasting more than a couple years in our harsh wint-
“Fuck no, bud.”
**Terrible off-road, lowest environmental resistance out of all the entries (27.4!). Will not even survive a Calgary winter.
@Dorifto_Dorito - ACA Prowler Extended Cab
The Prowler joins the Albertan truck club, bringing peppy acceleration to the table. Accelerating onto highways was a breeze, and it passed traffic just as fast as the Shau. The looks are great too! Off the trails, it was decent. Nothing super surprising, nothing super jarring. We have our concerns with its long term dependability however, with multiple consumers reporting oil problems with the engines.
“Concerns with long term dependability? Ain’t wanna deal with that… especially not out in the wild. Hashtag wack” Michelle said
The Prowler was not considered. Nice looking truck, decent off the beaten path, but contained an engine that was well below average in reliability.
@Machalel - Epoch M40 Atlas EX
The Atlas is a bit of an outdated-looking vehicle. Perhaps that’s why its body holds up so well. It’s quite slow to accelerate compared our vehicles, but it’s nothing awfully jarring. The rear live axle is well-fit for offroading, however the M40 is merely middle-pack. It didn’t struggle per se, but it had its issues here and there over at McClean. The eLSD is a nice addition to maneuvering the vehicle around and responds accordingly without issues, but it just doesn’t justify its struggles off the trail.
“Hows it look, Sarah?”
“Right, it was a good try but not good enough.”
And indeed it was. Engine reliability is lower than expected, straightline performance isn’t the greatest and there isn’t much to cover it up either. Still quite solid though, I have to admit.
@thecarlover - Cascadia Hashima EH 4x4
The Hashima was our pick for the trails. McClean, Cardinal, Bragg Creek, Lost Knife, you can throw absolutely anything at this thing and it wouldn’t flinch. Banff wilderness? Nothing. Kananaskis? Nothing. Jasper? Still nothing. The Hashima asserts its dominance over all of it by ripping through its soil and pissing all over it. It’s inexpensive, but because of that, it doesn’t turn well, doesn’t accelerate well, neither does it feel super comfortable inside. Adam had his complaints about its city performance, but looked like he was having a blast of a time out in the wilderness. This thing is stupid stupid dependable. You can whack it with a hammer, not a dent. You can throw a shopping cart into it, the shopping cart will disintegrate. You can throw it up a cliff, it’ll scale it just fine. You can throw it off a cliff, it’ll survive. If something breaks, you can repair it with some pantyhose and duct tape. With this in mind, the Hashima is the perfect off-roader, as long as you can deal with it in the city.
“4-wheel drive? Manual lockers? Mountain goat? Dependable? This is my fucken car!”
“I better not mind that sluggish acceleration though. What does it say? 9.4 seconds to 100? It’s still quicker than the KO but just marginally…”
The Hashima was considered. Unstoppable off-road, dependable, all with compromises the couple could hopefully live with.
@Ezdmn - Mondo EB8 Catra
Because he’s the last review and I, for some reason, agreed to writing his review in MS Paint…
“It’s not bad looking!” Michelle chimed in,
“It’s fucken ugly.”
“But it’s dependable, Brad.”
**The EB8 was considered for its well-rounded reliability, good off-road capability, peppy 0-100 and good value.
And that’s preliminaries!
for making it!
Aaaaaand some pics of the benchmarks. I got a bit carried away with the styling.
Benchmark 6. Big boy meme. Pushrod V12. Somehow outperformed a good majority of entries.
Benchmark 5 (SVEDEN OOH JAH)
and last but not least, my own entry for the fun of it. The Maram E8.
Thanks guys for tagging along! Finals will be out soon.
The locally-manufactured Capra from B.C-
“Hol up what? Fuck that shit bud!” Brad interrupted
And I thought AHS steel was somehow coated, though I guess that may not be the case.
Not completely unhappy with the review - it’s pretty close to exactly the target market for the car (people who don’t care about cars).
Consumer reliability reports were negative, mentioning multiple problems with the infotainment system, as well as the mirrors spontaneously folding inwards during regular driving. It’s quick, but it’s absolutely tedious throwing the sequential shifter back and forth>Blockquote
Should’ve gone with Basic info, Auto, and some other more reliable options. I was way too carried away with what the game thinks is comfortable. Baaaah next time. No worries
Basic info would’ve gotten you binned, there are other ways to get trim reliability up.
In all honesty, still new to this game man. Still learning stuff everyday. At least I can say I make better cars than I tried to make a few months ago, but I’m still quite not there
Don’t worry, you’ll get better as you gain experience!
Thanks! Appreciated. Some day I’ll actually submit a competent car that’s as half as decent as the Ads I design for them…
I just roasted myself didn’t I?
Haha, design is definitely something that comes with time. Your ads really show your graphics design background, they’re great
Yep, I do graphic design to pay for my broke ass. One of the only things I seem to do right lol. Thanks again man ️ There’ll be more
As I thought my car got binned. Fake Nissan Rouge - I am just bad at designing but as it turns out I am bad in engeenering departmant too.
Dude, my car has solid axles like a land rover defender, it’s a totally legitimate suspension layout. While the comfort is low, the rest of my specs are pretty reliably yellow and green in basically everything else. It’s not too far behind a car that went to the next round ffs.
I don’t really get why it was outright binned.
She wanted it! She said she wanted my car! I count that as a win! My car was exactly what I wanted it to be!
Though if I wanted a win I should’ve gone for more a off-road car, probably my Kazume that I made. Oh well, it happens. Maybe the next one :))
Its a freaking Stationwagon and not a Defender ma Dude and its not the best looking one.
It’s an estate crossover built around going off-road, you know, like the objective. There wasn’t a regulation of only SUVs and pickups.
I don’t have a problem with it not going past stage 1, the issue is being binned.
Ma dude, the new Defender has indepent suspension all around, you just make an old Defender layout basically lol.
Besides, you literally built a station wagon with solid axles all around, it’s the worst combo ever. Heck, even Audi allroad Quattro doesn’t have solid axles all around and it’s offroad oriented.
And please don’t be salty about being binned. A lot of people got binned and all of them are fine and accept their fate except you.