My work around was high boost low compression, seemed to work, except for the lag
Buyer: Wants 10 second acceleration
Buyer: also bitches about fuel economy
some players: actually manage to build cars that have decent amount of power, sub 10 seconds acceleration and still sub 5L/100 fuel economy 
I mean thatās kind of the point of the MĆ¼llers, theyāre asshole buyers that want everything for themselves, andā¦ well, some brands manage to provide.
2 Likes
Oh, I know that. Iāve seen the cars, tried to reverse engineer them, and utterly failed. I frankly donāt understand how they do it other than sorcery.
Sure, could have made the car cheaper with a cheaper interior. that would have led to a whopping .2 MPG increase. Decreasing the displacement of the engine could have kept it (barely) in that time segment, but still wouldnāt have broken that magical barrier.
I guess I just need to stop even trying, because Iām at the point where I canāt learn/improve any more and itās as much a waste of your time as it is mine.
2 Likes
You never stop learning mate, instead of letting frustration get to you try different perspectives and approaches to the problem
5 Likes
waitwaitwaitwaitwait
which one is it?
or this?
i need to know
1 Like
The fact they call 8.5 0-60 a weekend car makes me want to laugh.
Itās like inexcusable for anything besides a fiat 500 to have 0-60 higher than 8.0 in America!
Maybe I should move to France, then maybe Iāll have a chance at CSRā¦
3 Likes
@koolkei they ānappedā to calm themselves down, right? ( Ķ”Ā° ĶŹ Ķ”Ā°)
Eh anyway, letās get this over with.
Round 1 Part 3/3 sponsorized by the End of the Tunnel
Yet another day in Diebolsheim. Yet another radio station that still airs Despacito. Yet another news about Johnny Hallydayās inheritance going to shit. Yet another mug of coffee, and the MĆ¼llers were back at it again.
Jerboa ECO2 Estate @mcp928
F: Pheew honey, good thing we slept well because I think I would have lost my shit yesterday evening, what the hell isā¦
C: Itā¦ looks like a bunch of engineers with mullets, aquarium glasses and knitted sweaters were given a 2018 car with only front grilles, door handles and no rear drivetrain and were asked to fill the gapsā¦ It looksā¦ Weird.
F: And that blue is striking too, it looks like one of them 90s EDF carsā¦
C: Oh god yea, I remember those! Or older Gendarmerie cars!
F: They actually advertise their rear solid axleā¦ Apparently helps with load capacity butā¦ What?
C: Yeah we donāt need that. The rest of the car is meh, tooā¦ meh fuel economy, meh equipment, yeahā¦
F: Alright, youāre next!
GMI 160w Plus @LinkLuke
C: There you go. A normal looking car.
F: Yeahā¦ The blinker repeaters look like washing machine rotary buttons thoughā¦ Not a deal breaker butā¦ Why?
C: Donāt questionā¦ Letās seeā¦ eh itās a bit low on options, I can only upgrade the seatsā¦
F: Maybe thatās another one of those cars with an overengineered engine that sips on fuel with a kiddy straw?
C: Hold on let me checkā¦ Aw HELL NO.
F: What, another automatic?!
C: Thankfully no butā¦ 7.5L/100, how is that evenā¦
F: And peak torque at 3.7kā¦
C: Okay theyāre shitting themselves. Pray for them, european emission laws are gonna kill them pretty soon.
F: Press F.
C: F. Your turn.
F: F.
C: I mean, take the keyboard.
F: ā¦ Right.
BDM Reunion @Bmaggiori
F: Okay letās seeā¦
C: You know Iām kinda glad hat some manufacturers still make green colours.
F: ā¦ Even though weāre gonna buy it in Resale Value White.
C: Yeah, just like weāre glad people still build manual sports cars even though weāre not buying them, huehueheu
F: HUEHUEHUEHEU CONSUMERS ARE KILLING THE CAR INDUSTRY
C: ā¦ Weāre getting out of hand. I love you.
F: Soooo that carā¦
C: Well thatās a weird mix, I can spec leather seats OR high end audio butā¦ not both. Right now I got leather seats and a crappy somehat infotainment stuff with a small non tactile screenā¦
F: I mean we did accept that on the Revellus butā¦ does it also have the fuel economy toā¦
C: I can read ā4.9L/100 from hereā¦ not impressive butā¦ā
F: Aw shit. It pulled an Albatross.
C: What, four seats?!
F: Four seats, andā¦ I think Iāve seen some hatchbacks with bigger cargo spaceā¦
C: ā¦ How~
F: I donāt know. But Iāll pass. Your turn.
Arkadus Elizabethia Commute Estate long ass name package @Caine
C: Thereās thisā¦ Interesting blue paintā¦ Kinda glossyā¦
F: Itās long, thoughā¦ Donāt think we need that much cargoā¦
C: Cargo, you say? Look at thisā¦ Interior shotā¦
F: ā¦ What the hell?
C: Two fucking rows of foldable seats.
F: A modular wagonā¦ Never thought Iād see the dayā¦
C: Damn thatāsā¦ Hey thatās actually a really good option! Why nobody thought about th~
F: Fuck, there it is. Look. 4 star Euro NCAP.
C: ā¦ Are you kidding?!
F: You mean to tell me they invented one of the best wagons possible for road tripping and cargo holding and they made it unsafe for CHILDREN?
C: Fuck this, I wanna live. Those seats donāt even look that comfortable!
F: No need to find anymore excuses. Takes keyboard.
Geschenk SPACERULER EcoCruiser @racer126
F: Look honey I found yet another reason to be angry at all those brands who canāt be arsed to bulild a decent engine that meets the emission requirements. Look at this.
C: ā¦ Donāt tell meā¦
F: It is compliant.
C: THIS FUCKING BUILDING?!
F: And it barely drinks more than 6L/100.
C: Thatāsā¦ less than the GMI.
F: Less than the Baiern.
C: Less than the Mundus.
F: Less than both the Pajaro and the Harimau.
C: really, they have no goddamn excusesā¦ And it still gets acceptable perfs?
F: 190km/h and about 11 seconds to 100km/h. I mean, for the sizeā¦
C: Damn youāre right. NO EXCUSES. ā¦ I mean we definetly donāt need another house so itās a no for me butā¦
F: I know, just wanted to show it so we could spill salt together.
C: You know me so wellā¦ Okay, my turn!
Yotata Vento 1.0TSI Powerstart @DukeOFhazards
F: Yotata, hehā¦
C: Yeah, I think they come with Yomama tires from the factory. But thatās not the questionā¦ It looks pretty niceā¦ Like most liftbacks weāve seen so farā¦ That rear endā¦
F: Oh shit yeah the rear! Looks awesome! Maaaan this is quite a looker.
C: Look, upgraded cloth seats, Android Autoā¦ Great! Now, letās see the enginesā¦
F: Hmmmmā¦ Doesnāt look taht goodā¦
C: YEahā¦ diesel, diesel, not compliantā¦ Damn, none of their engines is compliant! But there was an ad for that TSI Powerstart powertrain that they wereā¦
F: What, TSI? Thatās them? Shit, Iāve read about it too, apparently itās a 1.0L downsized three cylinder shit with about 110hpā¦ But they keep delaying it, bet itās not gonna see the light of day before 2021ā¦
C: ā¦ Yet another brand thatās gonna die because of Euro 6.
F: Yeah, rest in peace, Yopapa.
C: Yomama.
F: Yotata. WHATEVER, my turn.
Cascadia Moondust @thecarlover
F: Why is the website speaking to us in baguette? What are we, French?
C: heeehehe
F: Huehuehuehue
C: Wheezes AAAAAYYYYYYYYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
F: ISSOU
C: Why are we like this.
F: Yeah, sorry. So, what do we gotā¦ Upgraded cloth, check, Android Auto, checkā¦
C: Gotta say, it looks really nice, tooā¦ For a Sharonmobile, that is.
F: Yeah, really. Kinda gives me some Hokuto vibesā¦
C: So, decent options, but it doesnāt reallyā¦ stand out in anythingā¦
F: Yeah, it kinda sucks because itās likeā¦ really beautiful but I see no reason to buy this over some other minivans that justā¦ do it better. Quick, give me an excuse?
C: Uhā¦ pfffffā¦ Fuel economy is like 0.1L/100 higher than the meaningless psycholigical hard limit of 5L/100 we fixed ourselvesā¦
F: ā¦ Good enough for me. So close.
C: Pass me that, boy.
F: zipper sound
C: ā¦ The keyboard. thatās for later.
GEC G20w @abg7
F: Iā¦ think we reached a point where itās gonna be really hard to find differences between carā¦ having a little too much information at once, and I kinda lost my objectivesā¦
C: Itās just that this car isā¦ literally average in every way but still has some good points, but not enough, butā¦ Now do we tell a good wagon from a bad wagon anyway?
F: Well itās simple, thereās the good wagon, and the bad wagon. The good wagon? Well it can carry lots of stuff, and itās sleek, and beautifulā¦ And economic, too! And the bad wagon, wellā¦ It can carry lots of stuff, butā¦ Yeah and itās kinda sleek, andā¦ maybe beautifulā¦ Probably economic tooā¦ But itās a bad wagon.
C: Andā¦ Yeah you know, letās just say that some other wagons did it better. The engine looks impressive but for what it is there are more efficient cars.
F: Sold. Next. takes keyboard
Pajura Bengal 1.4T Quester @Mythrin
F: Iā¦ kinda expected a crossover with such a name, I donāt know whyā¦
C: Oh is that one of those low cost brands from the east?
F: ā¦ Oh god 13500ā¬, sure looks like it!
C: Option it up to the max!
F: laughs It is to the max already!
C: Oh, wellā¦ I mean, what did I expectā¦
F: The inside really looks low end, yeahā¦ But hey. Iād take it with a better sound system and better seats for 15k, but it doesnāt even have them as options.
C: And the engine?
F: 125hp, decent, but not much elseā¦ and itās the only one thatās compliant.
C: Welpā¦ If only it had more stuff availableā¦
F: Would definetly have jumped on it, yesā¦ Come on take this honey.
C: lifts skirts
F: ā¦ The keyboard. thatās for later.
C: ā¦ Right.
Yamantau Ai @Navara
C: Look at this!
F: Damn, itās streamlined. Bottom breather grille and allā¦
C: And those headlights look really distinctiveā¦ Itās got some character to it, I like it!
F: Alright, alright. Options.
C: ā¦ Well it is pretty good, heh. Again, both leather seats AND Android Auto fit the budget.
F: Looking gooood! Howās the engine?
C: Itāsā¦ Oh. Damn. Itās pretty cool too. 152hp, reasonable low end torqueā¦ i mean weāve seen better but it still fits the billā¦ And it gets 4.6L/100! And itās got one of those weird 7 speed gearboxes too
F: ā¦ You know what, Iā¦ think the 7 speed is a viable option if the car gets those numbers.
C: Yeah, I never thought Iād see the dayā¦ So, sold?
F: Sold.
Christine notes down the Yamantau dealership on their list and passes the keyboard to her hubby
Grehet ComEx @koolkei
F: Oh sheeeiiiit that looks nice!
C: Gorgeous. Faultless. ā¦ Please donāt suck, please donāt suckā¦
F: Engine, engineā¦ Oh shit honey, thatās a first! Itās N/A!
C: What? ā¦ And compliant?!
F: Yep! All that linearity and no tax!
C: ā¦ Okay Iām interestedā¦ Letās see the rest!
F: ā¦ Letās seeā¦ Seat upgrade, yes! ā¦ Audio upgrade! Yesā¦ No. No, actually. Canāt fit that in budget.
C: Awā¦
F: Also I just noticed. Itās not a liftback, itās a sedan.
C: Shit. How the hell are we gonna fit the box of out big ass three piece inflatable killer whale next summer?
F: We wonātā¦ You know it kinda sucks but we have to ditch this one.
C: Wellā¦ Too bad. I really liked the looks.
something something keyboard rumbles
Taore Gordon 1.6 3co @4LGE
C: HAHA HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THIS SPACESHIP!
F: PFFFTHAHA Oh maaaan what were the designers smoking? What is that aā¦ waterfallā¦ front grille? Oooh god haha!
C: Yessshaha! Oh man this is so funny to look at, looks like a kid with a runny nose bearing teeth, oh GOD!
F: wheezes
C: And the best worst part about it all, guess what? ā¦ Itās got so much going for it that we 're gonna have a hard time going past it!
F: What? haha oh fuckā¦
C: 3.9L/100, 132hp, upgraded cloth seats and Android Auto, it literally doesnāt skimp on anything.
F: Shiiiit but thatās terrible! Does that mean our goal of getting an efficient family car will make us the laughing stock of the village?!
C: Looks soā¦ I mean look at those numbers, they just donāt fucking lieā¦ AND ITāS SO CHEAP TOO!
F: SHIIIIIT! Quick, an excuse, I canāt accept it!
C: ā¦ uuuuuhā¦ Well I guess theā¦ cargo capacity is a little poor for what the car is and uhā¦ yeah, performance slightly worse than my expect~
F: SOLD. NEXT.
BM E-200 @TheElt
F: So I uhā¦ kinda found some wild stuff hereā¦
C: Wild stuff? This looks tameā¦ doesnāt stand out in anythingā¦
F: I know, nobody would expect the 3.0 inline 6 with 206hp, right?
C: ā¦ How much?
F: You heard me right.
C: ā¦ butā¦ Is that an all engine car orā¦?
F: Leather seats and Android Auto.
C: ā¦ Fuuuuuuuuckā¦ this is too good to be true.
F: Usually it is. I mean itās a pretty big car, thereās probably some shit hidden behind thatā¦
C: You know Iā¦ wonāt trust an inline 6. Bet your ass that at the first oil change theyāre gonna have to be like āhoney I shrinked the 10mm socketā to get stuff done because of all the space thereās not in the engine bay.
F: Yeah, not to mention we donāt need that much performance and weāve seen cars with similar options and better fuel economyā¦
C: So yeah, itās a no for me.
F: With you on this one. Here, take the keyboard. if we donāt find anything in two cars, we stop. deal?
C: Deal.
Letto Berlina Economica @LordLetto
F: snorts Nice trunk, is that for eating?
C: I think itās for playing table tennisā¦
F: Tiny wheelsā¦ Accoding to the datasheet itās the lightest car weāve seen so far, even lighter than the fucking Rosalesā¦ Tiny engine with 120hpā¦ I smell the sedan version of the Lupo 3L.
C: Kindaā¦ Plus itās literally got nothing going for it options wise. Four basic ass seats, shitty basic ass stereoā¦
F: Lemme guess: 3L/100.
C: ā¦ 4.2L actually. ā¦ I mean itās impressive but weāve seen cars that did better with actual options and powerā¦
F: Yeah okay so they can make a chassis but not an engine. Got it. Not for me. Okay Iāll do the last one.
Electi Ocelot Legatus @GROOV3ST3R
C: Okay this is gorgeous. good thing weāve looked this far!
F: Good thing alright! I mean itās quirky, butā¦ beautiful quirky. Look at that rear!
C: Niiiice! Gives me some E65 BMW 7 series vibes!
F: Hahaā¦ Yeahā¦ You know what else gives me some E65 7 series vibes?
C: What?
F: Look at that shitty ass GPSā¦ Covered in wood trim to try and get our glances away before we notice the pixels the size of my pinky toeā¦
C: Oh itās one of those again?
F: Yeahā¦ Upscale and outdatedā¦
C: No phone pairing?
F: I bet this shit predates Bluetoothā¦
C: ā¦ Maybe not, butā¦ I get the point. So thatās it?
F: Thatās it. ā¦ Let me check the list.
and thus, Fernand took the little piece of paper that theyāve spent three days to write. Three days for six lines, that sounds like the least efficient couple ever right. Anyway, the paper said:
F: Okay thatās six carsā¦ Pretty reasonableā¦ Think we can do them all in one day tomorrow?
C: Bet.
ā¦
lifts skirts
C: Think we can āfall asleepā in thirty minutes?
F: ā¦
ā¦
Bet.
HOLY SHIT GUYS I MADE IT.
Itās been fun. Final round coming up tomorrow. Once I figured out why the hell all my mods disappeared mid judgingā¦
19 Likes
Just wondering if Iād have done better if I went with Standard infotainment instead. Hmm. Oh well.
@Knightophonix Guess I got a little too salty there, sorry! I appreciate the sheer effort you had to put in just to get to this point. I just really thought for some reason that prem nav would be better than standard info :S Couldnāt quite squeeze that prem info in. Iāll have to work on my styling and understanding my target audience better next time.
Anyway, good job on whittling down that list to just 6 of the best entrants! May the best car win!
Hey, I donāt have a mullet. Your right on the glasses and sweater though. Enjoyed the review, blunt but tasteful. I seems I nailed my target of āremarkably unremarkableā after all. For some reason Mr. Muller strikes me a man man looking for a beige Volvo.
1 Like
*Airport Carrier
3 Likes
Narrowing a field of >40 cars down to a top 6 was a tough ask, but you did it. Interesting times ahead, to say the least.
1 Like
Tossed out because of an outdated interior and an outdated rear fascia. Ah well, I guess that modern car design isnāt my thing. At least Iām happy with the engine.
Well done to the 6 finalists, and well done to Knightophonix for whittling down the field to 6 finalists. Not an easy thing to do.
oof dangit
i was so worried i would get binned because i underestimated the competitorās fuel consumptionā¦
itās the sedan body that killed me. damn. but 18.4km/l with the sedan and 17.5 with the wagon though.
Can you explain a little deeper what you donāt like in my car please?
This is just for my personal improvement.
Thanks in advance.
I mean thereās not much to explain "^^
Fuel consumption, cargo space, performance, they were just okay numbers. So despite the equipment being spot on, out of 50 entries many other cars had the same equipment with better numbers everywhere else, and a more appropriate body for the era.
Pair that with the weird rear styling and itās a bin
I mean it was a tough competition, 50 cars and 6 finalistsā¦
In other news, final round coming up later today if everything goes well.
[EDIT] okay maybe not tonight. Deciding on the way to judge became more problematic than I thought it would. Tomorrow evening.
9 Likes
Aluminum silicon for emissions. It reduced my steel blockās 60 engine emissions to ~30.
3 Likes
btw. hereās my N/A car that i somehow managed to get it by.
CSR90-koolkei - Grehet ComEx SC.car (35.2 KB)
engine shot of how i got an N/A to passā¦ i got binned. but iām proud of it anyway.
1 Like
Necessary double post, sorry for the delay. Real life, and shit.
Final round: The entire thing
downs the rest of the bottle
June 2nd, 2018. Fernand and Christine MĆ¼ller, with their children Manon and Enzo, all got up early in order to binge test the 6 cars they were planning to look at. In one day. Thankfully, all the dealerships they wanted to see were conveniently all located in SĆ©lestat, Alsace:
ā¦ Well. The northern industrial zone of SĆ©lestat.
I inow, thatā¦ kinda kills the mood doesnāt it.
Jihne Tiane @yangx2
Anyway. The first dealer theyāre hitting is the Huangdou dealership, that also features and sells a few Jihnes.
Parked outside, next to a Huangdou CV that really looks out of place next to it, was the car they requested to try out by mail: a red Jihne Tiane, in Cu+ trim, with the 2.2L 160hp engine.
Fernand: Is it me orā¦ does it look even better in real life? Look at the taillight assembly, so detailedā¦ It almost looks like a real car!
Christine:ā¦ I think you gotta start admitting that chinese cars are, indeed, real cars.
Fernand simply glanced at the Huangdou next to the Tiane, in its pale yellow colour, with its round body and concept car like headlights, that looked like literally nothing else on the road, for better or for worse, and just half smirked at his wife.
The kids, though, didnāt seem as interested.
Manon: āDaaaad can we go back home and play Fortnite?ā
Enzo: ADHDās away to randomly looking at a dog pissing on another dogās turd on the sidewalk
Soon enough, the salesman arrived, and greeted them with a smile and the smell of fac simile Bleu De Chanel. The whole family started the carās walkaround, and it seemed like yep, it completely fit the bill. Fernand had some comments to make, though.
āHey, those are some pretty big wheels, actuallyā¦ā
Salesman: āYeah, theyāre 19 inches. And theyāre fitted with Bichelin low resistance tyres, and~ā
F: āI donāt care, Iām just gonna put the cheapest Nankangs I can find anyway. But wonāt that make the tyres more expensive?ā
Salesman, after thinking about hanging the shit out of Fernand in very high detail in his mind three times in a row: āā¦ You know what, thatās for later, why donāt we try the car out and then head inside to talk about the rest if the car suits you?ā
Fernand, of course, agreed, and the whole family went inside, with himself at the wheel, and the salesman in the back.
āHope you donāt mindā, Fernand said, ābut I donāt trust those damn standardized fuel economy testings so I wanted to go to Bergheim by the country roads and get back here by the highway.ā
The salesman agreed, and they hit the road, at five in the car.
Barely a mile in, and Fernand was in love with the car. The leather seats were as comfy as can be, Christine on the passenger could navigate through the infotainment system very easily and pair her phone in a jiffy. But what was the most noticeable was the way the car wafted on the road. A driving experiance he wouldnāt have expected from any car at this price point. The power steering feltā¦ not as good as the Mesaiaās but as close as a modern car can be, but the car was just so balanced and handled bumps so well. So well, in fact, that Enzo fell asleep in the back. After a while, Fernand decided to check out the instant fuel consumption.
ā¦ To be fair, it was showing pretty scary numbers when mashing the throttle, but, overall, the engine torque was just so well distributed and the gearbox so well tuned than on country roads, he averaged a mere 4.5L/100.
But now was time to hit the highway.
On the A35, the car was felt even more like a cloud than on country roadsā¦ But was it the weight, the drag or the somewhat short gearing? between overtaking trucks and cruising, the car ended up having a fuel consumption of 8.1L/100 on the highway, averaging 6.3L/100 on the whole 40km trip. However, between the looks, the feels and the capacity the car had to calm anyone who was driving it, Fernand and Christine were only mildly disappointed by the info. Sacrifices had to be made, after all.
Back at the dealership, Fernand, visibly calmed down, talked about that good experience to the salesman, which then brought the family inside to talk numbers. At some point, Fernand brought up:
āSo uhā¦ do you guys do maintenance plans, and such?ā
Salesman: "We do, as a matter of fact! Complete care, from oil changes to faulty parts within warranty, minus the tyres, for 70ā¬/month!
Fernand: oof.
Christine: oof.
Manon: Hey thatās more expensive than Fortnite!
Enzo: didnāt hear, was playing shitty games on daddyās phone the whole time.
So, basically, absolutely amazing car all around, tremendously comfortable, gorgeousā¦ and borderly unreasonable to daily drive despite relatively good fuel consumption. The couple noted that and went on to the next dealership.
Kuma PA @Xepy
A bit further into the ZI Nord was the Kuma dealership. As they were parking the Mesaia they noted a pristine example of a 1991 Kuma TD convertible in purple, top down, rolling into the shop, pop up headlights stuck up because of a motor failure.
Christine: āNice carā¦ and itās been lasting a long time, that should be good news!ā
Fernand: āWell itās still going in the shopā¦ā
Soon enough they noticed the blue PA in the parking lot, close to the entrance door, and immediately knew this was the one they requested to try out. Andā¦ especially after trying the Tiane, it felt incredibly small.
F: uhā¦
C: Hello, voice of reason here! We wanted to try this car because of potential savings, remember?
Soon enough, the salesman arrived, greeted the family, and opened the car. Which was a relief for Fernand because, indeed, the car felt surpsingly roomy inside for the size, and especially the trunk. It had a very low loading floor, plus two full size modular rear seats that could be moved forward to increase space, which the salesman demonstrated. As well as the fact that all four seats had foldable central armrests. But Christine, the voice of reason, was even more moved by all of this, and asked to be the one to test drive it. The salesman, of course, agreed. But due to the car only having four seats, he gave them the key and left, full of trust.
Christine hit the road, with Fermand on her side and the kids in the back. Both Manon and Enzo were meaninglessly playing with their foldable armrests because KIDS, Fernand was looking into the infotainment system options and paired his phone, again, in a jiffy. Christine, though, was having the worst time of her day so far.
The engine, she felt, was absolutely gutless. She was just mashing the throttle and shifting at 2600RPM and nothing happenned. ā¦ Until a point where she got pissed, and downshifted into third to get back to 90km/h after the smallest of hills made them lose speed. The instant, brisk power actually surprised her. It was the lightest car of the bunch after allā¦
āOkayā¦ so thatās how youāre supposed to drive itā¦ā she said
āI canāt decide if this engine sounds more like a tractor or a continuous wet fartā¦ā commented Fernand.
Either way, Christine learned her lesson, and started using the revs to drive the carā¦ except driving it quickly turned into a downshift shitfest (try to say that twice as fast ten times in a row, I dare you.) Every single time she hit seventh gear (!) or even sixth, she had to downshit at the slightest of hillsā¦ at literally any cruising speed. That not only frustrated everyone in the car (except Enzo, fuck him) but also made the fuel consumption rise through the roof.
Another problem (because yes thereās another) was the fact that the car felt āheavyā, in the sense āloadedā. The suspension felt like it was reaching its limit, with only four people in the carā¦ and only two adults! Which was contrasting very hard with the sharp handling of the carā¦ maybe a little too sharp actually, that non variable power steering felt like a fly could land on the wheel and turn it.
Back at the dealership, and looking at the abysmal average fuel consumption of 8.2L/100 she had been getting with her frustrated throttle mashing and continuous downshifts, she simply handed the keys back to the salesman and refused to go any further. The one single argument they came to this car for turned out to be irrelevant. Next!
Kasai Garamond @goblin95
*Next in line was the Kasai dealership, which seemed to have popped up overnight. Or maybe they never remembered it was there. Idk man Iām just a CSR judge.
Anyway, the Garamond they requested to try was visibly the one near the entrance. It had the same buff looking plastic trim as the trim theyāve been seeing online, and it was BROWN.
F: you know this really makes it look like a nineties car with those bumpersā¦ Like a big fat mk3 Golf GTI with the plastic fender flares even.
C: Donāt try and find excuses darling.
M: Wow itās so big, we could install an XBOX in it to play Fortn~
E: shuts her up by making her eat his fingers
Soon enough, the salesman came, greeted the couple, and the kids. Yeah, this dude was trained to sell to families. He even gave lollipops to Manon and Enzo so they would shut the fuck up during the trip. He did a good job of telling about the carās advantages, ease of access and use, room, but Fernand only had one thing on his mind:
F: āYeah okay but does it come without the shitty ass plastic bumpers?ā
After picturing hanging him by the balls, the salesman told him that indeed, it did come in plain colours, and this was just an appearance package made to appeal to crossover owners. Satisfied with the answers, they took the car for a spin, Fernand driving.
āIā¦ kinda feel like Iām driving a van with how high I am butā¦ honestlyā¦ Itās not that bad.ā Fernand said, somewhat reluctantly, while looking in the back, feeling like his kids and the salesman were miles behind. DAMN this car felt big.
āWell itās a similar chassis. And itās even got independant rear suspensions! Find me a van with this!ā answered the salesman, hiding the fact that it was a pretty fucking old school independant suspension setup. But eh. A sales point is a sales point.
The car felt heavy. Because it was, at 1632kg. Still lighter than the Jihne, but the suspension felt a bit softer. Not necessarily more comfortable. but softer. Still, at this point Fernand was trying to find excuses, because the car actually drove pretty well and felt safe. So safe that at one point he grew really confident in driving it and tried to take a corner too hard, leading to extreme oversteer, reminding him that he was sitting on 185/70R17 tyres.
āUh Iā¦ donāt know what I was thinkingā¦ā he answered. the salesman simply nodded, getting used to it by now. While Christine went on to test the functionnalities of the infotainment system, Fernand looked into the trip computer and noted than theyāve been drinking 4.9L/100 during the country road phase. More than advertised but still alright.
But now came the highway, and Fernand raised an eyebrow at the sound the car made while sitting at 130km/h. Used to his diesel, it felt like they were driving on the autobahn. It looked like Kasai coped with the weight of the car by shortening the gear ratios, and the car was sitting at a really high 3650RPM at 130km/h. Surprisingly, though, the whole highway ride back to the dealership only costed 7.4L/100 of fuel with all the overtakings that they could do in sixth gear. Less than the Jihne. The overall trip was about 6.2L/100, .1 less than the same Jihne. Since the drive was a mostly pleasant experience, they went inside with the salesman.
The talk was fast and to the point. This was where the saleman was shining. When Fernand asked for maintenance plans, he was offered 55ā¬/month. Noice. When he asked for extended warranties plans, the salesman answered that it was standard. Noice. And the major downside of the driving meant that the tyres were really cheap to replace too. Noice. Not to mention the original cheaper price than all the cars they saw or were going to see. NOICE.
Unsurpsisingly for the type of car that the Kasai Garamond is, the MĆ¼llers were more satisfied by the money talk than the actual drive. That said, they went on to the next dealership.
Kitanishi Revellus 1.8T @Ne0
Next up was the Kitanishi dealership, a few blocks away, on the other side of Sport 2000. The MĆ¼llers got out, and Christine just stood in front of the door, gazing at the exposed models, thinking to herself.
C: āItāsā¦ actually really weird. The only way I know about this brand is because of their participation in rally cross with a small convertible. Yet here we are, looking for an economy family carā¦ā
Anyway, thatās where the salesman got out of the door like Shrek gets out of his bathroom and yes I know you can hear the fucking music and Iām not sorry. Christine did the talk this time, being the one whoās gonna drive it. and the salesman went on and on as to how this car is the most efficient family sedan you can get. oh youāve seen the Kasai Garamond, also with a 1.8L engine? Well guess what, this oneās got more torque and is even more efficient. He dabbed internally, and Christine, very convinced, took the wheel, the salesman sitting next to her, and her husband getting behind with the kids.
The first thing Christine did was stall. Which surprised her, but also surprised Fernand too. His wife has never been a bad driver yet here she was, making a rookie mistake. Nevermind, she restarted the car, and did it again, actually grunting because she took extra care this time. Instantly, the salesman:
āFor the record, we also have an automatic option!ā
Literally the whole family, even the kids, turned to the salesman and glared at him like he was in downtown Baltimore and just shouted the N word out loud. He quickly managed to pass it as a joke, and they moved on.
āTo the highway?ā asked the salesman.
āNo, weāre taking the backroads.ā said Christine, the salesman giving an unsure glance at the dashboard at that, before going full white.
Christine found out that the reason sheās ben stalling that much was because of how fucking long the gearbox was. She could cruise through villages in second gear. On country roads in fourth. And the engine has more torque than the Garamond, you say? Sure. But it comes later. And later means higher in the revs, and higher in the revs with a gearbox as long as a Pink Floyd album meant despite the six speed, it was yet again a downshift shitfest for Christine.
To makes the matter even worse, the car actually bottomed out on the same bump the Kuma almost bottomed out. And it did thatā¦ really hard, in fact. The salesman, oddly, grabbed the handle before seeing that bump, like he knew what was going to happen. Christine wanted to stop to check if the car was okay but he was like:
āNo, itās ehā¦ normal.ā
Normal, huh. well Christine kept going then, an unsure look on her face.
Oh and to make it even worse, with the bottoming out, and the downshift shitfest, it also turned out that the car was rear wheel drive. The ESC light came on multiple times due to Christine not being used to it, but also due to the power steering being overly responsive and clearly tuned for city driving. Again, it felt like a fly could turn the wheel. Fuel consumption wasnāt as bad as the Kuma despite the continuous Gear Lever No Jutsu, at 5.4L/100.
Highway driving? Well guess what, the cruising speed in sixth was below the spool level. Which made yet again a very frustrating drive, and fuel consumption was on the upper side too, at 8.3L/100. Fernand didnāt even have an infotainment system to fiddle with during that time so he just shared his wifeās salt.
āQuite frankly mister, weāve driven several cars today. Even a chinese one. But this? this has been the most infuriating drive weāve had today.ā she said. While the salesman rolled himself in lateral safety position, the family went on to the next dealership without giving a second glance.
Mondo EB7 @Ezdmn
āYou know, theā¦ chrome doesnāt look as blinding as it was on the build&price in real lifeā¦ And I didnāt really notice some small details, look at this chrome strip, very tasteful!ā went Fernand, seeing the beautiful deep car they requested to drive. Once again the salesman came, blah blah henlo how r u, yiss yiss bootiful car and stuff, Iām not gonna rewrite the same stuff all over again. Fernand took the wheel in the beautiful driver leather seat that had some old school stitching made to look like 70s cushioned leather seats, apparently that was with the same package as the wheels. But then, Christine took on the passenger side and the kids were about to take the back seats when the salesman went:
āWait. Weāre all going?ā
āYou got a problem with having barely five people in a wagon?ā asked Christine, raising a suspicious eyebrow up.
Anyway the salesman got in the back seat, with an unsure look on his face.
āOh okay.ā thought Fernand as he noticed the car actually sagged a little, having a gasser like negative rake like they were towing a caravan. Thatās probably why the salesman was so anxious. The rear suspension is just so soft. The suspension didnāt bottom out at the same bump the Revellus did, thoughā¦ instead choosing to shake the shit out of the occupants. Dampers too rigid, proabably. Man this felt like a weird suspension tuning.
Even weirder was the way the car handled in the corners. Somewhat like an old Beetle, but front wheel drive. The positive camber was rendered even weirder with the soft rear suspension, and if you mix that up with the hard dampers, the whole mix made it a car very unsure to drive in the corners.
But the engine, thoughā¦ It had all the power where it needed to have it. It always stayed in the right RPM range because the right RPM range was so damn wide, and despite that, and despite displaying one of the best fuel consumption values theyāve seen so far, at 4.5L/100 (only rivalled by the Jihne so far), the engine was still punchy as hell in the high range. This was blissfull to see, as long as they werenāt taking any corners.
Guess what doesnāt have corners: The highway. Man this was a great cruiser. As long as the road wasnāt bumpyā¦ No downshift needed ever, and the trip computer indicated 6.9L/100, averaging an amazing 5.7L/100 during the whole tryouts.
Christine in the meantime, found no faults in the infotainment system, it was on par with the rest.
Back at the dealership, the couple was unsureā¦ The kids, who care, blah blah fortnite blah blah ADHD, theyāre sleeping in the back and idk what the hell to do with them, and neither do they know what to do with their lives. Anyway, Christine simply said to the salesman:
āOkay so two questions. one: How much is the monthly price for the service plan, and how much is the extended warranty?ā
Salesman: āUh well, 71ā¬ andā¦ extended what?!ā
Christine: āWelp. You wonāt hear from us then.ā
Fernand: āYou guys should stick to selling engines.ā
And theyāre off to the very last dealership of the day.
Yamantau Ai @Navara
The couple was pretty tired, but the sight of that lovely design, quirky and distinctive, told them that yeah, they could still have some energy to drive. The kids meanwhile, who cares, theyāre tired as fuck sleeping in the back of the Mesaia which is conveniently parked in the shadows with the windows cracked open and the third party sunvisors that say āFLASH McQueenā on one sides and āDESPICABLE MEā on the other did a good job of preventing too much heat to enter the car.
āYou know itās kinda too bad that such a beautiful design is tained by a color that looks like it belongs on a base model Tasiaā¦ā chirped in Christine, before the salesman appeared, with incidental music.
He rambled as to how modern the car was, half aluminium panels and multilink rear suspensions, like the MĆ¼llers gave a shit about engineering. Still, he was pretty happy about his speech. He opened the car, and Christine sat in the driverās seat, the gear shifter reminding her that the car had one of those weird 7 speed manual yet again.
āHehā¦ What a coincidence. I sure hope Iām not going to be the one driving every single car with really bad gearboxes today!ā she said, while starting the car while the couple and the salesman went on the road.
āMe and my big mouth.ā said Christine, as yet again, the car was a Downshift Boi. Just like in the Kuma, the engine was too small to deliver the power in the low RPM range, and just like in the Kuma, the car felt sluggish without revving the piss out of it. Unlike the Kuma, though, it actually sounded decent, and the car was notably more comfy with those seats. Also, it didnāt threaten to bottom out everytime.
ā¦ The bumps, though, kinda felt like bottoming out due to how hard the dampers were. one of the harshest rides so far on the country roads. Probably emphasized by the fact that this time they were driving without the kids, though.
They growled a little, as they noticed that with all the downshifting Christine had to make AGAIN, fuel consumption hit Kasai Garamond HIGHWAY figures, at 6.3L/100.
Unsurprisingly, on the highway, cruising in 7th with occasional overtakings and hills was a no go, and Christine had to downshift to sixth every once in a while. Not as infuriating as the Kuma or the Revellus, but still annoying. As for fuel consumption, it reached 7.4L/100 on average. Not the worst they had today, but certainly unacceptable.
Yet another car that the couple wasnāt going to look twice at while leaving the dealership. Despite being mosty comfy and drivable, the engine and gearbox couple that they were going to use literally everyday didnāt tickle their fancy, and they left without pusruing any procedures.*
Final decision.
The morning after, Christiand and Fernand were drinking their morning coffee while rethinking about their drives.
Fernand: āWell, thereās only two that stand out or me, and only one I actually want to driveā¦ Thatās the Garamond and the Tiane.ā
Christine: āLet me guess, itās the Tiane you want.ā
F: ā¦ Well, not really a surprise, eh. Itās sleek, futuristic looking and itās not a minivan, damn it!
C: Uh uh. Itās also super expensive to run compared to the Garamond. And youāve driven both, and they both drive relatively nice!
F: The Tiane blew me away, really!
C: 75ā¬ in monthly maintenance ā«
F: Composite headlights!
C: No standard extended warranty āŖ
F: Leather seats! Imagine how much we can sell it in a few years!
C: You know what, letās do the math! All of it!
And the math they did. Whoās gonna win between good value upon buying, and enthusiast investment?
THE ANSWER ISā¦
ā¦
ā¦
ā¦
The woman is always right.
A month later, and the couple took delivery of their brand new Kasai Garamond. Totally not a dealership exposition model that everybody touched and went inside because theyāre cheap fucks and wanted hella discount.
Of course that meant Fernand got his plain white paint that he wanted, to save a bit of resale valueā¦ And he ended up liking this car more than he expected!
So yeah congrats to @goblin95, you won this CSR!
Final results:
1: Kasai Garamond @goblin95
2: Jihne Tiane Cu+ @yangx2
3: Mondo EB7 @Ezdmn
4: Yamantau Ai @Navara
5: Kitanishi Revellus 1.8T @Ne0
6: Kuma PA @Xepy
Sorry this took so long guys, Iām kinda in a rough spot right now, looking for a new job, andā¦ well, I tend to write walls of texts, as you can see "^^ Anyway, hope you enjoyed this round!
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