Could always buy one and then upgrade in a year with all the money saved, of course.
Nice start to the review phase - keep it up!
how does it come that they manage to put an entire fucking TV commercial into an E-Mail to send to Ms. Ramsbottom?
Maybe they send a URL of that said video to her?
(Video sharing sites exists since the late 90’s, mind you)
I made an NA engine to have a cheaper service cost instead of a turbo with a better fuel eco, wrong choice
I like the hall of shame. Nevermind I know no shame, but it’s funny and I feel every hoster should do this!
Congratulipatience for those who pleased Sherren!
It was above the required reliabilty (58.2 vs 58) so, erm, WTF?
You can dismiss it for not being right for her but it was within your rule set!
I had 59 reliability if I recall correctly and I still got binned.
Well in that case the reliability should have been set higher then.
On closer inspection my entry had a reliability value of just 58.2, compared to the required minimum value of 58.0, so it was indeed too unreliable for the client’s tastes. It was this, and not a lack of pace or affordability, that sent my car to the discard pile. The turbo engine I used did provide a great deal of extra power, torque and economy compared to a naturally aspirated version of the same engine, but caused a significant reduction in engine (and hence trim) reliability. This, when combined with the use of a more complex and expensive multi-link rear suspension (instead of a simpler semi-trailing arm design), pushed the trim reliability value too close to the minimum threshold.
The most important aspect and you were 0.2 over. Maybe if you read beyond the rules and took notes of the judging criteria the priorities would’ve lied elsewhere.
This is something that bothers me a bit. I think it’d be worth having a limit and a penalised margin to indicate how bad is too bad.
If things are going to be marked horrendously for achieving the minimum then it may as well have been binned to start with.
Somehow she never saw the fact my entry was named Automan… she hates men yet considers something called Automan.
Men that serve autonomously are preferred.
Wait… what? Where did you work out that your car wasn’t fast enough and too expensive? How can you tell it was binned for that? Are you able to read my notes? Wow abg, that’s amazing…
But in all honesty, your car wasn’t binned for being slow or too expensive, so think again. (But this is also a clear indicator that you realised there was a lot wrong with the car and still submitted it anyway)
My car does 0-100 km/h in 14 seconds and didn’t outright get binned. There must be something else that caused yours to be not as fortunate…
Probably means fast enough to beat the competition, not fast enough to pass.
QUICK NOTE: I was going to get some new pictures of the cars in the photo mode this time and not be lazy, but then the photo mode decided to just stop loading in the cars for me so I guess you’ll just have to do with the ad pictures again.
CSR 98 - The Shopping & Final Verdict, Day 2
Tuesday, 11th March 2003
”Chez Sharon”, Croydon, UK
I’m still so upset about what happened yesterday. This horrible, male-dominated world making pissy jokes to make women like me feel weak and vulnerable. Who in their right mind calls their car the “Jizz”. Was it “Jizz”? “Spunk”? “Manbutter”? Whatever. Anyway, the morning rush was far more pleasant today, if not perfect. The alarm went off, the kids actually got ready with reasonable time today, the traffic wasn’t bad and then the Rover conked out in the middle of the road at a red light. But that’s not the first time so I’m pretty used to the embarrassment. Thankfully, I’ve got a load of brand new cars to see today and I can’t wait to see them all, and test them all, and drive them and not be worried about the car dying. I’m so fucking excited. I’ll update this again once I’ve found the one. Not a man, I don’t need dick. A car. A vehicle. Something to replace that awful Rover. Cya for now!
Sharon then quickly downed the third coffee of the day, even though it was only mid-morning, and headed out to the numerous car dealerships to find “the one”
@goblin95 - Garuda Avia 2.0
Sharon walked into the new and shiny Garuda dealership where she was quickly greeted by a helpful salesperson who pointed her in the direction of the Avia she was looking before. Before heading out, Sharon wanted to give the car a good look over in person to see if there was anything about it that instantly made her love it or loathe it.
“Now that I am seeing this car in person it really is quite an appealing looking little thing. And I mean little because I certainly won’t have problems with the dimensions of this. I’m not being blown away by the inside though, but then again at this price point I don’t expect any car to be pulling that off. Seems to have just enough toys to play with as well, which is pleasant.”
The dealer showed her the most important part of the car, the third row seats and the boot. Thankfully, even with all seven seats in place, the car had plenty of luggage space to spare, and although the rear seats were more comfortable than most in the segment, the big bulky chairs had to be completely removed and couldn’t be folded into the floor.
“I think I need to take this for a spin, this seems to tick nearly all the boxes so far!”
Once out on the open road, Sharon quickly decided to take a familiar back road to see if the car was at least not going to bore her.
“Hm… I mean it isn’t going to set my world on fire but it is very stable and nimble at least. It isn’t rolling all over the place either. But then that probably has to do with this firm suspension because I’ve never felt this many bumps along this road before, and it is kind of bothering me.”
Now at the end of the road, she quickly headed towards a major dual carriageway to see if it could comfortably handle the motorway trips to Bluewater. Darting towards the relatively steep on-ramp she noticed a bit of a problem.
“Come on. Ugh fine I’ll change down a gear. Nope, still nothing. Oh dear, this engine is really not got any power at all.”
Shortly after the test drive concluded and a final verdict was given.
“You know I thought this car would be very promising and enjoyable, but everything turned really pear-shaped once I realised the engine just had no power to it and the suspension was really just far too firm. Never mind.”
The Garuda Avia 2.0 was dropped from the final verdict
@Elizipeazie - Anhultz Ganymede IV
The Anhultz dealership was another pleasant place to walk into, a nice clean and sharp looking dealership once again. Sharon immediately spotted the Ganymede and headed over while the dealer was finishing up with some other clients and started to inspect the car.
“Although this one doesn’t quite live up to the same physical design of the Garuda, I must admit this thing does look fantastic with this paint job. What a fantastic looking thing. Ah, and this one has those sliding doors I really wanted to have and they work nice and smooth. The inside is… not quite up there with the Garuda but still more than spacious enough. Actually, it looks like it has more toys.”
Within moments the dealer approached Sharon to show off the best bit about the car, the multi-function tailgate. Sharon was more concerned about other things though, like shopping.
“So you do that then that to do… Huh? Hang on show me again. You push the… no that’s not it. Yeah, but why would I… Oh this is just annoying more than anything. Why does a boot have to be so complicated? I just want to go shopping and put the shopping in, why does the boot opening process have to be such a drama. I literally can’t get the hang of this.”
The dealer opened the boot up for Sharon to inspect the boot space, now beyond caring about the car at all.
“Not as big as the Garuda but the seats fold. Couldn’t care less though, that boot has pissed me all the way off.”
Sharon, therefore, made a decision, she didn’t want complicated things in her life and because she was now unimpressed, she decided to leave the Anhultz dealership before going for a drive.
The Anhultz Ganymede IV was dropped from the final verdict
@yangx2 - Huangdou Galaxy Trek
The first impressions at the Huangdou dealership were unlike anything else she had experienced before. Inside there were loads of people darting around like headless chickens dusting random ornaments and making all the pictures on the walls wonky. A load banging could be heard coming from the back somewhere, and an overly-pungent aromatic smell was very apparent. A “crazy lady” approached Sharon to ask her what she needed and lead her to the Galaxy Trek.
“Now I’m seeing it in person this thing just looks absolutely hilarious. It reminds me of that time I got really drunk in Ibiza and I got into a van like this thinking it was a taxi when it turns out it was some hippy’s campervan. Oh, such good times. Yeah, this thing looks hilarious but in a good way. Much to my expectations, the boot opening the way it does is annoying, but at least I can get it open and inside it is absolutely cavernous. Why these little people need something so big I don’t know. Look at all the camping stuff, so cute. What’s this? That looks like some fancy tech stuff up here in the front that I will never understand, as long as I can put my tunes on with CDs then I am fine.”
Seeming overwhelmingly positive about the Galaxy Trek, Sharon asked if they could head out to give the Galaxy Trek a drive. Much like before, Sharon headed out for some country lanes to bomb along to give it a good fun run.
“Ok but first this driving position is absolutely mental I’m literally sitting above the front wheels. This is weird and I’m not sure how quickly I could get used to this. But hey, the view out is incredible. But my God is this awful around the bends. I’m wallowing around like the car rides on marshmallows and it rolls around like nothing else.”
Moments after saying this, Sharon approaches a corner perhaps a little bit faster than what she expected, causing all the optional camping gear including pots and pans to go flying around the cabin, while gripping onto the steering wheel for dear life.
“This thing is… a bit of a mess. But hey at least this thing isn’t as painfully slow as that Garuda, if I give it some throttle it actually gets moving really nicely. But this is a mess.”
Not much later, Sharon decided to turn around and head back to the Huangdou dealership. Unfortunately, the floppy ride and handling and the sub-30 UK mpg figure she achieved on the drive meant that it just misses the mark.
The Huangdou Galaxy Trek was dropped from the final verdict
@DoctorNarfy - MEN Suburbvan SLD
Sharon stood outside the MEN dealership for a good five minutes before entering. Holding back many emotions while just blankly staring at the massive MEN sign on the side of the dealership that looked like it could’ve done with some renovation. Feeling exceptionally uncomfortable, Sharon entered and was greeted by a, you guessed it, man, who pointed her over to the Suburbvan.
“Breathe Sharon. Just… breathe. This looks nothing better and nothing worse than what I thought it would look like in the flesh. It is what it is, I’m only here because it is cheap. The inside looks… I mean I suppose for the money I can’t really complain and it’s got a CD player so there is that.”
The dealer then opened the boot, at which point Sharon was already trying to work out the best way to try and make the massive MEN badge look like a WOMEN badge. Sharon looked inside.
“That is small. Very small. Do these seats fold because I will literally need them out of the way most of the time? Please don’t tell me they are fixed.”
The dealer very kindly demonstrated that the seats could be stowed away easily and revealed a far larger and more usable boot space, much to Sharon’s shopping addiction’s delight.
“Great, this seems fine. Let’s hope out for a drive!”
The keys were handed over to Sharon and she fired up the rather large engine and went to head off. Looking down at the gear lever she spotted something.
“Where is number 5? Does this not have a fifth gear?”
The dealer explained that the car was fitted with a four-speed manual, much to Sharon’s disgust as she felt like she was back in the 80s again when cars were old and rubbish. Sharon decided to head off, but not before long the car already hand the handling characteristics of a jellyfish so just two minutes after leaving the car was returned.
Sharon left the dealership pleased that she didn’t like the MEN.
That’s because she still hasn’t realised she is a lesbian now
The MEN Suburbvan SLD was dropped from the final verdict
@Keikyun - Automan Uniwagon Schport 2.0 Turbo
Sharon had just arrived at the Automan dealership when she noticed that this too had a problem in the name. Automan. Man is at the end. Bearing in mind it took her so long to notice, it was quickly brushed off as “not too obvious” and Sharon set off inside to find the Uniwagon. Strangely, nobody could be seen, but Sharon walked up to the easily noticed Uniwagon and started nosing around.
“This is a really polished looking product. I mean there is nothing exciting about the look of it but I can’t complain.”
Literally, at this moment, the sliding door flew open, then a front door and a load of people start clambering out of the car. Sharon, being her typical jumpy self, nearly had a heart attack and shrieked like a four-year-old after her favourite toy was confiscated. Having embarrassed herself in front of many people, Sharon quietly continued to look around the Automan while the dealer finalised his discussion with the clients.
“Let me see, nice outside but I know that. Inside I’ve seen from when they got out and it looks pretty decent as well if nothing special. It has very few toys but the CD player so that’s good enough. But I’m just wondering if these seats can be easily moved out of the way but I don’t want to be an idiot again in front of the dealer.”
Not long after, Sharon grabbed the attention of the dealer and asked to fold the seats down.
“What do you mean they don’t? You mean I have to take these massive seats out each time I want to go shopping and then put them in again whenever… Oh fuck that.”
Having made it quite clear she wasn’t living with no boot space and hard to remove seats, Sharon quickly left the Automan dealership before testing the driving abilities.
The Automan Uniwagon Schport 2.0 Turbo was dropped from the final verdict
@Mad_Cat - Hyuong Jindo
Much like the car she was going to see, the Hyoung dealership couldn’t have looked any blander even if they tried. The only reason why she came here is that the bland thing was exceptionally cheap and Sharon started to realise that maybe it wasn’t the wisest of decisions. She had a feeling the Jindo, sat right in the window, was not going to be even remotely enjoyable. Inside she found the car and the dealer next to each other and started to see if there was anything exciting about it.
“No. That’s a thing. This… means nothing to me. Wow, couldn’t be blander. At least, I suppose, it isn’t hideous. The inside is… plastic fantastic. Well actually not fantastic, more like reasonably mediocre. I’m missing my sliding doors already. But I can already see that the seats fold away so this could have some merit by being cheap and practical.”
Unwilling to spend more time looking at the car, Sharon headed out in the Hyoung Jindo to see what it was capable of… for about fifteen seconds.
“This is literally the first corner I’ve got to and this thing drives like an absolute pig. I feel like no matter what you do you are pushing it to the absolute limit because the grip and understeer is… magically awful. And the brakes are like cardboard or something.”
It was also at this moment she went for fifth gear on a straight and found nothing.
“Well, time to die I guess.”
Sharon rapidly turned back around. Well, as rapidly as this thing could turn, and left the dealership even quicker.
The Hyoung Jindo was dropped from the final verdict
@CorsicaUnkown & @Repti - Corsica Bolide
Sharon noticed that she had arrived at the dealership to see the car she was most excited to look at and drive. This was the car that made her not care about sliding doors, she just wanted a car that looked like this and had this specification a lot. Beaming, she entered the Corsica dealership where a very friendly, if quite loud, lady attended to her and started chatting about the Bolide and other things. Sharon started to look around.
“You know what this thing could have a dildo stuck to the boot lid I wouldn’t care because this is everything I wanted and needed and more. I can see it will just be the one for me. The outside… uh… stunning. Inside is absolutely fine. The boot is more than big enough with even all seats in place so I couldn’t care less if the seats didn’t fold. Please let me drive this now!”
Beaming even more, Sharon enthusiastically inserted the key into the ignition and set off at rather a considerable pace towards the roads. Sharon headed for another back road she knew and loved and started throwing the Bolide around possibly too much.
“You know, this may not grip all that much but it feels really stable and secure and won’t make the kids sick so I’m not too fussed. And the ride comfort doesn’t seem to be too compromised as a result. Result! I just said result twice.”
Pleased, Sharon headed for the M25 which was unrealistically quiet. Flooring it up the on-ramp, the Bolide chugged along nicely and got up to speed fine. But there was a problem.
“This is probably the sixth time now I’ve gone looking for another gear and there just isn’t any. I think I was even doing it at 40mph. This is going to feel weird at 70+.”
Pulling out from behind a slow lorry she merged behind, she quickly sped up to just above 70 when the car’s biggest problem became apparent.
“Oh… my… fucking… God. SHUT UP! This engine is making an awful amount of noise what is going on.”
It was at this moment Sharon realised the car was sitting at over 4500rpm and the engine wasn’t exactly the quietest to start off with. And with it being cheap, sound insulation was certainly lacking making the cabin almost unbearably loud.
“I can’t hear anything on the radio and I’ve got it virtually at maximum volume. This is just insulting, a virtually perfect car ruined by something so simple.”
A few moments later and after Sharon entered a rather depressive state, the Bolide was returned to the dealership, leaving Sharon very upset that her beautiful dream of owning that car was crushed by the following sound: ARRRGHRGHRGRGRHRRGRH.
The Corsica Bolide was dropped from the final verdict
@EddyBT - **BT Motors Alces FE 2.3”
Annoyed that the Bolide failed somewhere so simple, Sharon had a change of focus. Before doing anything she needed to check those things that mattered most to her and to stop wasting her time being disappointed. With this new, perfectly negative attitude, Sharon entered her “I want to speak to the manager” mode and stormed into the BT Motors dealership and didn’t even acknowledge the dealer’s greeting and went straight to the boot of the Alces.
“Can you open this up? Thanks.”
Up went the boot and before her eyes was a tiny boot.
“Right let’s get these out of the way. If I pull it here… No. Maybe push that…”
At this moment, the dealer rushed over and noticed Sharon trying to rip the seats out of place to inform her that they were screwed to the boot floor and couldn’t fold.
“Well, then I’m not going to waste any more of my time around here.”
Within milliseconds, Sharon had already made her way to the exit.
The BT Motors Alces FE 2.3 was dropped from the final verdict
@Centurion_23 - Pemhall Cantaro GLi
After realising her new tactic was working absolutely perfectly, Sharon entered new territories. She was about to become a literal nightmare to deal with. I’m sorry. Anyway, Sharon found herself walking up to the Pemhall dealership and remember that this was another one of these boring look ones that was cheap so she kept it. Knowing what was wrong with them, Sharon went in focused and found the Cantaro GLi and started ticking off the bits she expected would be a big problem.
“Right, so this thing is very bland but we can move past that. Let’s see, boot space? Tiny. Third-row seats? Folding. Oh. That’s nice. Next! Check the gear level has more than a 4 written on it. Wait, this has six gears!? That’s actually impressive. Make sure the interior doesn’t look awful. Wait, no, that’s just all of them anyway because I don’t want to spend that much money”
At this point, the dealer noticed the crazy woman muttering to herself and asked if they could help. Sharon only had one thing left to say.
“Well it’s got everything else right the only thing to find out now is whether this bland thing drives like crap or not.”
Confused, the dealer grabbed the keys and Sharon set off. And Sharon was instantly shocked.
“Could this actually be the best car to drive yet? I mean this gearbox has an extra gear and it works really nicely. The grip levels are better than anything I’ve driven yet and it doesn’t seem to want to go wide like other cars. The car doesn’t roll around like an absolute mess like some have done. Is this the one? Surely not. Maybe I need to check the colour options.”
Having tested it through the bendy bits, the motorway was the next place to head. Giving it some throttle, the Pemhall GLi gradually gained speed.
“I mean it isn’t exactly quick but at least I know I can actually get to and hold the speeds I want to do. Is there actually anything wrong with this?”
Surprised, Sharon returned to the dealership confused but delighted. She’d finally found something worth having and expressed her interest to the dealer, subject to there being more exciting colours available, which there was!
The Pemhall Cantaro GLi was considered for the final verdict!
@PengiWanKenobi - Armand Voyage Aspire
Relieved that she had finally found something worth considering, Sharon moved on to the Armand dealership, half in a positive mood thanks to the previous car but still very much focused on being a little bit of a bitch. Still, it meant she wasn’t going to be spending any more time looking at things that don’t matter to her. She headed straight towards her target so quickly, the automatic sliding doors of the modern dealership nearly don’t open in time for this steaming bull aiming for red. There it was, the Armand Voyage. Sharon started marking her mental tick list as the dealer approaches.
“Right then so most importantly is it going to make me want to scream when I look in the boot again. Let us find out. Oh, thank you for opening that up we- uh oh I can see where this is going because that boot is not very big and the seats are look bulky!”
At this point, the dealer was somewhat confused but began to explain “the simple 27 steps to remove each seat that weighs more than her children”.
“Quite frankly I couldn’t give a toss”
At that moment, Sharon sharply turned around and bolted for the exit, this time way too fast and ended up smashing her face into a partially opened glass door, which was painful for everybody to watch but was just a reasonable amount of karma for being the absolute bitch she is.
The Armand Voyage Aspire was dropped from the final verdict
@titleguy1 - Kimura Sirani SXi
Sharon arrived at the Kimura dealership and started to realise that maybe keeping this one was a mistake. Her decision to keep this much larger and not quite so reliable MPV was bugging her as these were some of the biggest things she wanted to avoid, but the good looks and low price tempted her. Creeping in to the Kimura dealership, the welcoming staff showed her over to the Sirani and she began to take her mental notes.
“Well in person this thing looks even better and I loved it before so they certainly got that right! Let’s get straight into that boot that and see what is happening. Well I mean we have enough space here for the vast majority of my shopping trips so I’m not to worried about those comfier looking seats not being able to vanish into the floor or something. And inside it looks… well basic but it will do the job.”
Having thought about it just for a few more moments, Sharon realised that maybe this car may have been worth keeping after all and headed out onto the roads. Starting this time with the motorway.
“Well, it didn’t have any problems getting up to speed so I can’t think there would be a problem with all the kids and shopping either. This isn’t screaming at me down the motorway, which is what I’d hoped for as well. It’s fine.”
Then Sharon took the next exit and headed straight for the nearest bit of back road and went for it.
“Come on baby you can… nearly crash. Where is the grip? These brakes feel like rubber. Oh dear. Heck I keep forgetting how much bigger this car is. OK I’m starting to get a bit worried now. I suppose the suspension is pretty comfortable though. Well… maybe not completely comfortable.”
Returning to the dealership, Sharon wasn’t quite sure whether this was good enough or not. The slightly disappointing drive added to the other concerns though just meant it was a bit too much for her to say yes to. Somewhat reluctantly, Sharon waved goodbye to the Kimura.
The Kimura Sirani GXi was dropped from the final verdict
@ElMenduko - Crusader Antioch SX
Realising she had finally made it to the last dealership, Sharon did a double sigh of relief. At last no more checking cars around and finally, we’ve made it to the other “Jeep thing” that she liked. Although the colour definitely had to go. Walking into the Crusader dealership, she caught the Antioch in the corner of her eye and dashed over.
“You know I really do like the look of this thing as well. It isn’t like the Corsica, but it’s certainly good enough. Let me have a look at the boot… Yep, that will do. Oh and on top of that, the seats fold down to reveal a bottomless pit. I can literally buy the whole of Marks & Spencer’s and have room to spare. And would you look at that, the interior is absolutely fine as well. Then again, given the price, I’d hope it would be.”
Content that the car was living up to the high standards she had set, she grabbed the keys off of the dealer who had been oblivious to her arrival up until that moment and set off for the motorway first once again.
“Punchy. Very punchy in fact. I really can’t complain about the amount of power that is for sure. It’s also very happy sitting here on the motorway, it’s relatively quiet, supple and cruises nicely. Great, shopping trips to Bluewater will be a doddle.”
Heading down the down ramp, a sharp jab of the brakes proved they worked as she then targeted the B-roads where the Antioch performed reasonably.
“Well, I can’t really complain about this, the grip is sufficient, the body is well composed, the whole car feels stable. Is there literally anything wrong with this car at all? Hmm… Er… No!”
Ecstatic, Sharon returned to the dealership even more relieved as she had found that the last car was an alternative for the final consideration. But that’s it, just two cars. She expressed her interest to the dealer and went to set off.
The Crusader Antioch SX was considered for the final verdict
Moments later, Sharon realised that she knew exactly what to do. There were two cars that she knew were up to the job and it couldn’t have been any clearer which one made the most sense.
Sharon’s heart still was with the Corsica Bolide, but she knew she could never live with the constant, agonising drone at anything above 50mph. Because that was where her heart was, she thought that the Crusader Antioch SX would be the one considering it offered absolutely everything that the Bolide could offer to an extent without the massive drawback.
Except there is one
Comparing the Antioch to the Cantaro, Sharon was fully aware there was only one big difference between them. Nearly £3,000.
The Pemhall Cantaro was not as exciting as the Antioch, nor as good to look at, nor as desirable. The Pemhall Cantaro, however, was still a very pleasant drive in a well thought out package that did everything she needed for a very low price. The decision was clear, and Sharon wasn’t going to spend another minute looking and the shitstorm that was the Rover.
Congratulations @Centurion_23 you are the winner of this round of the CSR
You’ve successfully created a fantastic little practical and well-sorted package for an incredible price!
The remaining results are as follows:
Thank you, everybody, once again for participating. Sharon is very pleased with her purchase and will enjoy many years of motoring and shopping in her car. It was a tough round and the most entries I’ve ever had to deal with.
Until next time
(CSR 100, jk)
i did NOT expect to fail on a friggin tailgate…
Ayyyy my crossover pseudo-wildcard throwing punches above its weight (and below its price tag). I certainly expected it to not do really well given the price.
Congratulations to the winner and thanks for hosting a good quality round and making a good read.
Oh sorry sorry I forgot to salt, my bad. My my, where are my CSR manners? Tssk, tssk, tssk
It’s not my frickin’ fault that you’re too much of a cheapskate to pay for excellence Sharon , neither that you can’t appreciate a beautiful urine colour. Now piss (heh heh, piss) off Sharon!1!