Home | Wiki | Discord | Dev Stream | YouTube | Archived Forums | Contact

CSR 99 - Hello Guvnor [FINISHED]


#144

Keep up the good work, because these reviews are absolute quality. I really liked how you noted that some binned cars could be used for other purposes.


#145

Part Four!
Sorry in advance for the delay, this annoying mortal body just can’t stop begging for sleep and food, which means less time for writeup. So, a plate of food and quick nap later, let’s quickly go through the round so we can finally get through this whole ordeal.

@HPMinecraft - HPM Dominator NT-R

D: “Ooh, I know this car! It even has its own television commercial!” grabs an attached VHS tape containing the Dominator’s commercial
J: “‘HPM Dominator. The New Benchmark.’ Let’s see if the article says anything good about it.”

Back to a muscle car. This car actually looks more like a toy car than a real car. And when you inspect it closer you’ll find that it is not a die cast, but a plastic model, hmpf.

It has huge V8 with nearly 560 horsepower. This car is not made for going fast, however. Neither is it made to corner. It’s made for only one purpose, and only one only: Doing a long, straight run on an empty desert highway.

Inside it’s actually a very accommodating interior with decent stereo system. The suspension however, is anything but comfortable. Stiff and harsh is the menu for the day. The engine also vibrates so harshly you can still feel it thumping even hours after you’re done driving it.

Is this even a car then? It doesn’t do anything particularly well yet it’s strangely alluring. It brings your inner child out to play. A real life toy car.

D: “I want this. I don’t care if it’s bad, I want this.”
J: “Before you do anything brash again, take a good look at this consumer reports first.”
D: reads the report “Oh. Oh no. What is this. No, it looks all wrong. This can’t be happening.”
J: “See what I mean now?”
D: sad sigh “I never thought it would be that bad…”

Verdict: The car looks really cool and, alongside Colin, has the single fastest acceleration out of all listed cars, but it achieves such feat at the expense of pretty much everything else. The unvented disc brakes overheat after a couple laps. Some understeer issues. Bad comfort due to very rough engine smoothness. Second worst engine reliability after the KGB Regalia’s engine. All in all, would rather not. (binned)

@Flamers - FSR Helios

Helios is the personification of the sun. So we expected to get burn getting into this. It’s certainly a unique looking machine, and somewhat archaic looking in some way.

You’ll find that this is actually a lot like a bespoke made rally car than a road car. With Space frame construction and all wheel drive. 4-litre V6 producing 380 horsepower is plenty to make this a great day for all of us. This is a noisy car that we find doesn’t really go all that well for 380 horsepower for whatever reason. It doesn’t turn great either, and the suspension is surprisingly compliant.

Step inside and you’ll find a decent quality interior, but the technology crammed into it in phenomenon. There’s a “navigation system” which apparently use satellite to navigates you through any city in the world as long as it’s Rye City. And the HVAC control slides out of the dashboard!

It’s an expensive, fast car that you’ll buy for its technology alone. And it can be quite fun, we think. But it’s not actually all that engaging when you try it for yourself.

J: “How’s this for a hero car?”
D: “I don’t know, it looks like an elongated hatchback.”
J: “Probably because it is a hatchback. And a really fast one, at that.”
D: “No shit it’s fast, it’s got plastic body.”
J: “Fiberglass.”
D: “Whatever, it’s not metal. And the car itself doesn’t elicit any kind of ‘Fear me, for I am the law’ aura. I mean, look at it smiling so happily!”

J: "So you’re saying that we should cross this one out, then?
D: “Yeah.”

Verdict: The car is like a faster version of Spirra Cura DTM, but with more oversteer and subjectively less enticing looks.

@saddiseased - Berkley Devon Biturbo

This is a very crisp and modern looking sports coupe. Finished in gold, this really is one of the prettiest car around on the market.

It has a V8 engine with twin turbo as the name suggested. Only it is more for torque and fuel efficiency rather than outright performance. It’s only 310 horsepower out of 4.4-litre. And with optional sports exhaust this thing sounds good as well. Comfortable Automatic Gearbox and good torque curve make this an effortless cruiser.

The inside is high quality and with great stereo system available. It is also a soft riding car which means it’s wafty. But when you try to drive it exuberantly it does remarkably well considering the setup. Stops very well too.

And we can even conclude that it doesn’t cost all that much! The last car in this road test might be one of the best buy you can get. Looks elegant, very affordable, sounds good, drives okay, is fast and very comfortable. Should be reliable too.

J: “How about this one?”
D: “What is this piss yellow-and-turd brown color combination?”
J: “We can always request for a less offensive color.”
D: “Alright, but you know, I think at this point we just need to say enough is enough, don’t we?”
J: “I suppose so.”

Verdict: Average performer overall, not many things really stand out when compared to what’s on the short list.


“Well, that was a journey,” Donny closed the magazine as he sighs. The time already says 6.00 PM.
“Found the cars you’re interested in?” James asked.
“Yeah, I marked them in my memory. There’s around 10 cars that I like.”
“Oh no no no no no no no, that’s too many. Make it four.”
“…Four cars?”
“Four cars! The pre-production starts in a few days dammit! We need these cars basically yesterday, and we don’t have all day to test out all ten cars! Also, hopefully the company can supply the car that we choose in a week or two at most.”
“All right, I’ll see if I can rearrange the cars into the final list.

  • Honghu 88888888 Heilong 427 - The producers had an interest in this car, but sadly they can’t seem to locate the nearest Honghu dealership near Rye, and the closest thing they could find was an address and business phone number to Honghu headquarters all the way in China. After a couple hours of back-and-forth discussion (and some mistranslation mishaps) between the producers and Honghu China’s marketing division, they eventually give up as they could not reach an agreement over how long until the car can arrive at their testing facility.

  • Atera Tsukuba SL - After going through at all the possible candidates in the list, the Tsukuba just simply pales in comparison. It’s not comfortable enough, the handling is not sharp enough, the looks are just okay. And thus, it’s dropped from the final list.

  • Panthera STT-DSE - Donny keeps trying to find any argument against this car, but those arguments are all basically fifty different variations of “Wagon Bad”. Since such argument is not valid, they were all ignored. Panthera themselves on the other hand are happy to answer the call and they’re sending an exemplary unit right away.

  • Rosker Warrior GTX - Overall a solid contender, and the manufacturer is so excited to answer the test drive request they sent one unit to the studio overnight. Now that’s service!

  • Sovernator Opulence - It’s a beautiful piece of work with no real drawbacks. Unfortunately, the producers have no choice but to drop their offer after learning that the wait list for the Opulence is quite long and they need to manually build every unit from scratch, by hand. And theirs is surely not going to be ready by next Sunday.

  • Rigore Angeles MT-R - The car could’ve been a perfect candidate for the finals, but the aforementioned turbo lag and sluggish low-speed performance is still a big turn-off. Thus, it gets dropped.

  • Greil Tyrfing - This angry frog looks like a very promising proposal, so the producers sent a request for a test drive to Greil, which they happily oblige.

  • Ecamobile Ace Sport - It’s a terrific package of a vehicle. The manufacturers complied with the producers’ request to have a test drive, so they are delivering one test car straight from Germany.

  • Makina Spectra 3000GT - After reading further into the Spectra’s driving impressions, they find that apparently the car spins out very easily in the corners. Like, “turn with some throttle at just a slight angle of the steering and it will commit snap oversteer” sort of very easy. It’s sad to see the end of this beautiful car, as it gets dropped from the shortlist.

  • Keika Tekko Flextape Edition - Initially, James insists on putting the Tekko into the finals, but Donny soon finds out about his apparent favoritism towards Keika. Thus, the car is dropped.


And thus Stage 1 has concluded!
Congrats to @EddyBT @MGR_99 @Mikonp7 and @Xepy,
you have been confirmed to go to the second and Final Stage!

Only one more round to go orz


#146

Your writing for both the car magazine reviews and the producer meetings is measurably better than the kind of show you are parodying. No complaints about the limitations of your tired hungry mortal body. Looking forward to the conclusion.


#147

Whew, you had me sweating for a moment there!

puts down dagger


#148

It would have been too slow anyway - the blurb about it mentions a severe gearing issue which hobbled its acceleration.

As for the body you used, I found out that it has more drag than the S15 body (either size), but much less lift front and rear.


#149

okay…
i got binned…

but. why?


#150

You didn’t. You got considered. That makes it obvious that those that progressed from that shortlist simply scored better.


#151

Okay, I might have been a little convoluted with the reasoning on why I chose other cars over the Keika. I did have an internal debate when deciding whether the Tekko should be in the finals or not. There’s nothing immediately wrong with the Tekko. It is a well-put together car and it’s tame to drive. But the thing is, this is a car for a TV show. It’s going to need a lot of excitement by having a lot of smokes and tire screeching during a lot of the action scenes, and the Tekko is just so tame that it’s almost physically impossible for it to do just that.


#152

crap…
i went for tame driving characteristics to aid the shooting part…

apparently went too far


#153

Nice reviews man. Your immense to detail actually wows me.

CSR99-F12OM - F5 350RS turbo.car (46.3 KB)

BTW, here’s a random gift to y’all. It was originally my CSR99 entty. However I cancelled my entry due to some stupid mistake I did to the entry lol.


#154

Stage 2: Test Drive and Conclusion

It’s finally endingggg


Some test drive facility on the outskirts of Rye City, 6 AM.

The air is cold and still a little foggy as the sun slowly rises over the hilly horizon far away. James Kekwick steps out of his parked Mitsushita Karna, looking over the busy parking lot. There is a crowd of people walking and chattering about just outside of the facility building, and at the center of the crowd is a vehicle carrier truck unloading several cars that the producers have ordered. A test driver is seen adjusting his helmet, ready to test drive. Donald McSanderson is also there, supervising the activity. A group of paparazzi are busy asking questions at Donny and writing down all of his answers. There is also an ambulance and a fire truck standing by, in case an unwanted accident happens.

“Is this everything?” James asks as he approaches a film crew member.
“Yes Sir. Four vehicles, as ordered.”
“Excellent,” James smiles as he signs off the manifest document that’s given to him.

The four finalist cars are finally here. James smiles with delight.

Donny eventually approaches James, finally done answering the journalists’ questions.

D: “Bloody paparazzi. How the hell were they able to find out what we’re doing here?”
J: wears helmet “They don’t. After all, it’s barely a secret when a highly-conspicuous motorcade is heading towards a test track. They just follow the trail here.”
D: also wears helmet “Sigh. At least they’re leaving now. I’ll sock someone in the face if there’s a new batch of those buggers to come and impede today’s progress. Anyway, onto the cars!”

The Panthera STT-DSE gets its first turn for a test drive.

“This car looks even more menacing in person!” Donny says while walking around the car, looking for some bits of fine detailing. The car comes equipped with four antennae and one search light from the factory. The letterwork is minimal at best, and the quad exhaust that jut out from the bottom of the car look as if it’s telling everyone what it’s going to do on the road.

The test driver is already inside when the two enter the car. The moment James puts his butt onto the seat, he can feel himself drowning in its plush, plush seat.
“Ohhhhhh. That feels amazing.”

“Okay mate, your task today is to drive the car as fast as possible around the track, slalom through the cones, and finally try to pull a powerslide with it,” says James to the driver, with which he replies with a thumb up.

The Panthera starts up with a muffled-but-still-very-audible sounds of its turbocharged inline 6 engine. The turbo whistles gracefully and there is nearly no vibration at all.

After the first test drive session, the Panthera STT-DSE wagon feels like driving a Cumulonimbus cloud: It’s fast as a hurricane wind, it’s loud as a distant thunder, it’s smooth as a light drizzle, and its handling is as predictable as a weather forecast’s report. Bad analogy, I know, but you get the general idea. It’s great at cornering and easy to control, and its near-supercar-tier acceleration makes this car a very fast performer.

“We’re starting out strong here.”

The Greil Tyrfing 4.0 is next in line. Its Tyrfing badging on the rear is a nice touch to the car, and the other small bits such as the side vents and its badging are so tastefully done.

The interior is quite spartan; The front seats are bucket seats clad in quality leather. The doors are simply straight plastic with a door handle and manual window crank.

Starting the V8 engine, the Tyrfing’s idling burble is barely audible from inside the passenger bay. Starting off with a burnout, its AWD system doesn’t take any chances to slide itself out of control, and it swiftly goes through the test track as fast as it could. It accelerates, eats the corners, brake until stop like a champ, the car does it all rather effortlessly.

What the producers aren’t impressed about, however, is how saggy the springs are. There have been several instances of the car scraping against the wheel well when it goes over bumps. And it doesn’t take handbrake turning very well, either. The rear end just dives.

“So close, yet so far. If only the springs were a wee bit firmer.”

The black-and-gold Rosker Warrior GTX gets its turn next. James clamors over the tasteful amount of golden accent-colored detailing being put into it. The bonnet scoop is especially distinctive, as it creates a vague outline of a hammer from the bonnet all the way down to the grille.

Donny is really eager to see how this car performs. As this is the only two-door coupe of the four, Donny gets to sit in the front as his overweight physique is a little difficult to climb into the back seat. The rear leg space is a little tight for someone like James, but still relatively tolerable for a coupe. The interior is nice and comfortable, if a bit of a letdown when it’s directly compared against the Panthera’s.

Cranking the car on, its roaring V8 immediately makes the directors’ hearts skip a beat. Not even this amount of sound insulation is enough to filter out the vibration and barking sound this car makes. Starting with a nice and long burnout, the producers can’t help but gasp.

Handling wise? It’s likely comparable to a rodeo ride. The car’s suspensions are unquestionably rough and it constantly keeps the driver’s awareness high, by punishing when the driver is being reckless but not so much that it easily loses composure completely and spins the car out. The naturally-aspirated engine has just the right amount of power it delivers to the wheels, not too much but also not too little either. Driving it is a rewarding experience in its own right, since the driver can go faster once he’s used to its predictable track behavior.

As the test drive concludes, the two producers exit the car, body covered in sweat and face full of smile.

And finally after some rest, it’s the Ecamobile-Pfeil Ace Sport’s turn. Looking at the exterior, it is apparent that this car is meant to be on a more aggressive performance trim, but the bumper’s styling might be a little much. There is an intercooler concealed behind the lower grille, and the upper grille only has a small slit that directly leads to the engine’s air intake. The reverse light is quite unique as it is located on the rear bumper rather than close to the tail light cluster.

The Ace Sport’s interior is rather comfy. More comfortable than Rosker, but still can’t compete against the Panthera.

Starting the car, they are greeted with little to no vibration like the Panthera, but they can notice the engine sounding even a little quieter than it.

After the test drive, Donny seems to be suffering from mild back pain. He’s not a middle-aged man yet, but the Ace Sport’s suspension setup is even firmer and more race-oriented than the Rosker Warrior. Donny that sits in the rear seat gets the worst treatment, as he’s thrown around, up and down, left and right. But in return, it gives the driver best control over the car. He can chuck this car at any angle, and he will always manage to recover from it.
The other disappointing thing about it is how slow it feels when compared to its competitor. Maybe it’s due to the perception dissonance between how loud a car is vs. how fast it actually goes, but that is not the case in here. With a 2.6L engine producing 240 horsepower, this car is definitely the weakest of the four.

“That was not very passenger-friendly,” says Donny while rubbing his lower back.


“So, what do you think about the cars?” Donny asks as he removes his helmet.
“Hmmm, I’m conflicted. On one hand, the Panthera excels at basically everything. But on the other hand, the Rosker Warrior is also wonderful and it makes all sorts of glorious V8 sounds out of it. Both cars are really great at their own terms.”
“But we still need to pick one.”

“So…”
“…”
“Let’s put ourselves into Sammy Gecko’s mindset once again, then. Of the two, which one would Gecko pick?”

As if reading each others’ minds, they nod together.
“The one with the most dramatic potential, that is.”


February 1990.

The intro for “Take on Me” by a-ha blares over the blank television screen of millions of people in Fruinia.

During the last few months, the world has seen the shift in its situation. Suddenly, the decades of conflict turned more optimistic. The Berlin Wall broke apart over night, and the general pessimism is suddenly gone from the people.

But Gecko always rules.

Suddenly, the image of strips of light appeared. Today is the day of a season opening of new season of “Gecko’s Diary”.

The sound of the V8 engine thundering, rivalling Take on Me chorus in perfect harmony. A cloud of smoke appeared from the rear tyres in a massive burnouts. Before launching into the new era. Highly anticipated crowds cheering on this image. The Rosker Warrior GTX drove away in anger.

Sadly, the 1980’s was over. Soon enough, James Kekwick and Donny McSanderson decided to end the show after 5 long seasons despite still getting rave feedbacks and high ratings. The tone of the show wasn’t fitting with the new, softer image of the 1990’s.

The Rosker Warrior GTX, as a result, only appeared in one season of Gecko’s Diary. But it already cemented its reputation as the ultimate cool of the 1980’s. And decades after “Gecko’s Diary” had ended, people are still remembering the image of the car flying through the air, in a dramatic cloud of smoke, catching bad guys with a huge sliding action which millions of children are watching at home were to idolise.

The demand of the car shot up massively. There were ideas of a special Gecko edition, but nothing ever came to fruition especially when the show ended quicker than anticipated. Donny and James later stated that they felt that the legacy of the character, which includes the car, would be more poignant if it’s ended during its peak and not after it has already gone through seasonal rot.

Donny and James later went on to create more television series and a few theatrical movies. Quite a few were more iconic and timeless than Gecko’s Diary with its specific 1980’s macho taste. But ask the people around Fruinia and other parts of the world, and they’ll always think of Gecko’s Diary and his Rosker Warrior when talking about James Kekwick and Donny McSanderson.

Nowadays, the value of Rosker Warrior itself is increasing a lot. Because a lot of people see it as the iconic vehicle. Not many cars get this regard in its lifetime. Ensuring it will always be in the people’s attention. Even kids these day know what Gecko’s Diary was and what the Rosker Warrior is.

Congratulations @MGR_99, you have won this CSR!

1st place: @MGR_99 - Rosker Warrior GTX
2nd place: @EddyBT - Panthera STT-DSE
3rd place: @Xepy - Greil Tyrfing 4.0 Biturbo
4th place: @Mikonp7 - Ecamobile Ace Sport Mk II

Huge thanks again to @conan for co-hosting, without which I wouldn’tve been able to pull this kind of story!
And thank you everyone for the patience and participation in this round of CSR!

Epilogue

2019, Rye City, Fruinia.

“They want us to remake Gecko’s Diary as a movie?”

One day, the successful television producer, James Kekwick, now 70, got a phone call from his old friend Donald McSanderson. Saying that a movie company in which Donny has been working with a lot during the decades after it ended in 1990, wanted to remake their old popular television series Gecko’s Diary.

“But why?” James, who has been working exclusively on television, asked with slight contempt for the movie industry.
“Oh you know, the 1980’s and 1990’s are in again right now. People who look back at the past decades with nostalgia are now incredibly wealthy and are ready to pay for anything that remind them of the past,” Donny answered with the same indifferent tone.

After a few seconds of silence, James answered.

“I don’t want to do it. That show was only good for the 80’s. If we start doing it again today, as a movie or TV, doesn’t matter. And we use the same viewpoint of the world as we did back then, it just wouldn’t go well with the current world. It is 2019, whatever happened in the past that we look to with great admiration is just us wanting to go back to the time when we don’t need to have responsibility.

James shifts his vision towards a framed poster of Gecko’s Diary, featuring the Rosker Warrior. “Look at Gecko. He’s manly, tough, doesn’t play by the rule, charming. That speaks well to the mindset of people who don’t want responsibility!”

A few seconds of silence happened again.

“It’s the perfect movie for 2019, isn’t it. How much of a paycheck are they offering?” James asked.
“Good enough.” Donny replied.
“Should we do it?”
“We don’t have to decide right now.”
“The Rosker was pretty cool though, I want to bring that back.”
“Have you seen how much they are worth these days!? Hahahahahaha,” Donny laughed before he continues. “Sure, we can do that, the budget overhead is pretty huge.”
“Absolutely bodacious, mate!”

Credits roll.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9GMjH1nR0ds


#155

Wow. The next round is CSR 100. It’s come a long way hasn’t it


#156

I knew it! As soon as I saw the Warrior I knew that it would live up to its name, and then some - to the point that no other entries stood a chance. I thought that the producers would opt for an AWD turbo monster, but a straightforward V8 RWD bruiser took the gong instead.

As for you, your stint as host was one of the better ones we’ve had so far - your writeups for the reviews and results made everything worth the wait - and this round, set right at the very end of the 80s, was definitely a breath of fresh air after nine consecutive rounds held in the modern era (more specifically, 2000 onwards, with all but one of those being set in 2010 or later, and while it’s nice to play with the latest technology, someone will inevitably long for simpler, earlier times, as was the case here).

Now I hope CSR100(!) is at least as compelling as this one, regardless of whoever hosts it or what its theme is about. But the current round, with plenty of Radwood-worthy entries, a sufficiently liberal rule set, and best of all, a shock twist near the end, will definitely be a tough act to follow.

As for me, I may not have made it to the final judging phase of this round, but at least I did better than last time, to an extent.


#157

MGR_99 won CSR99, just let that sink in. Congratulations to the winner, and all finalists, and a thanks to Goblin95 for some of the best writing in a CSR I have seen in several rounds.

Looking forward to the big 1-0-0.


#158

I wanted to make CSR_99, but this is good too I guess. :smiley:


#159

Yay, I guess? I suppose from a business perspective selling a bunch for fleet use is a good thing. Good competition :slight_smile:


#160

What an absolutely phenomenal CSR! Gg to all and another commendation to our hosts for the incredible writing!

CSR 10^10: CSR 1 2 when?


#161

Having the honor of making CSR100 is truly something special, but I am afraid that I may not be able to run the CSR this month, since I have my own challenge to wrap up and have exams at the end of the month, so, I am giving the role of CSR100 dude to @EddyBT , that is if he has the time, if not… well you lot know better how this works :smiley:

Anyway, this was so much fun to do, can’t wait to see what’s next!


#162

Excellent challenge, lads. Great premise and great writing.

I’ll be honest, I expected to get canned earlier for obvious reasons, I’m glad you liked the car for what it was.

Congratulations to the winners!


#163

I’m kinda heading for Florida, so that’s a no from me. @Xepy and @Mikonp7 have stated on Discord that they won’t host, so the rankings will need to be extended.