Ah man! That’s what happened I guess from using mph instead of km/h. God damn it! 198kph only?! I thought it would be a lot closer to 200 or at least 199. You also said that the revised track is roughly the same. Hmmm… I guess I’m not that lucky.
Ah damn, I’m rusty at competitions, I forget to reload and check the stats guess it bumped up a few ticks, thought that issue was fixed already.
Well in that case I managed 225kph on the revised track, 352kph top speed and returned 25mpg(us)
Roughly the same, which is to say, if anything the trap speed would have been higher for some cars due to the lengthening of the very first segment for the purpose of circumventing a bug that assumes non-cyclical tracks are a circuit.
CSR 97 Preliminary Reviews
Groom Lake Airfield, March 21st, 2015
“Five seconds, get ready to go…” Mike “Lego” Waters said, as he watched the small black aircraft racing toward the end of Runway 32 through the side window of their Pontiac G8. “Alright, hit it!” The driver of the car hit the accelerator and the car surged forward, the rear tires scrabbling for grip on the grooved pavement. The big sedan plowed its nose a little bit as the driver fought to carry every bit of speed as she made the turn onto the runway, the big V8 roaring ahead of them as the driver pushed the accelerator to the floor. “Go go go go go!” he exclaimed impatiently, trying to keep his eye on the little wedge-shaped aircraft.
“I’ve got it floored, Lego!” the driver, Deanna “Robot” Calloway, said, gripping the wheel tightly as the sedan lost traction at the rear briefly as she straightened out onto the runway centreline.
Suddenly, the aircraft was front and centre in the G8’s windshield; Lego keyed the talk button on the radio. “Twenty…ten…five…five…drifting right…four…threetwo…on centre, hold…one…one…” Lego said as he craned forward in the seat and strained to watch the aircraft as it descended to the pavement, disappearing into the distance. A big puff of smoke from the tiny little wheels announced the aircraft’s arrival back on the Earth, making Lego wince instinctively. “Contact. Welcome home two-two,” he replied, muttering an expletive under his breath after he released the talk button.
“Thanks Lego, bit of a rough one…you sure you don’t need glasses old man?” The disembodied voice on the other end of the radio, muffled from inside a pressure suit.
“Right…see you back at HQ for the debrief,” Lego said as Robot slowed the car down behind the aircraft. “I see what you mean, Robot,” Lego said as he sat back in the passenger seat, “we just can’t keep up with the Block 30 aircraft on landing.”
Robot looked straight ahead and nodded, “yep, and it’s only gonna get worse during the summer and it’s you know, a hundred and twenty fucking degrees out here! You have to get us some new chase cars, sir!”
“Yeah, I’ve been feeling around at the dealerships back in town…I’ll see what we can get out here for us.” Lego replied.
Some hours later, at the end of his work rotation, Lego collapsed into the seat of the JANET 737 and pulled out a folder from his flight bag, opening it up on the tray table in front of him. Inside, was a bunch of ads and brochures for cars that he figured might just fill the need…
KGB X Immortalem - @Kyuu77
Mike sat back and looked at the pictures of the blue sedan in the brochure and was struck by the rather awkward styling of it. Right off the bat, he wasn’t a fan of it, and it only got worse as he read some of the reviews he’d pulled from the internet; “drives rather poorly”, “fast and lightweight, but very uncomfortable”, “worst-in-class fuel economy and reliability”. Mike looked at the suggested price and let out a silent exclamation. With that, Mike set the brochure aside and moved to the next.
Jinhe Qingxhu SRB - @yangx2
Mike opened the slick brochure and smiled a bit at the slick style of this Chinese-built sedan. I’d have a hell of a time justifying this to the brass, but the idea of using a Chinese car to chase the aircraft that’s spying on them is hilarious, he thought, smirking. The stats and reviews looked favourable too, with journalists praising the Qingxhu’s comfortable, quiet interior, decent fuel economy and good road manners, and owner reviews showing little in terms of ongoing issues. With that, Mike scribbled a note to visit the dealership to check the car out.
BT Motors Argonaut FTS - @EddyBT
Next in the pile was the Argonaut FTS; Mike furrowed his brow a little has he looked the ad on the cover. While it wasn’t exactly stunning to look at, the Argonaut wasn’t exactly bad either. Reading the reviews on the car seemed to bring up a mixed bag; the car was praised for its excellent road manners and very good fuel economy, owners reported that while service costs were low, the car was really not any better or worse for reliability than its competition, and that the engine and transmission pairing kind of annoying to live with on a daily basis. With that, the Argonaut was placed on the pile with the Immortalem.
Yinzer GoFaster - @NoahC
Mike recoiled at the looks of the GoFaster; we’d be the laughing stock of the entire Air Force if we showed up to a deployment and drove these things around, and with that, Mike set the brochure aside and moved on, without even so much as bothering to read about the GoFaster’s terrible fuel economy, awful brakes or outrageous price.
Mitsushita Lucido Lusso-R - @conan
Mike poured over the brochure for the Lucido Lusso-R; while he didn’t mind the styling too much, he thought the whole presentation of the car was a bit too boy-racerish for his tastes. _Man, when I was 20 years younger, I’d have been all over this #WagonMafia business…does that mean I’m getting old?” Mike sat back for a moment in a brief existential crisis, then looked at the stack of reviews and ownership reports; the Lucido Lusso-R didn’t impress anyone with its road manners, comfort or fuel economy, and owners spoke of outrageous service bills repeatedly. Glancing at the price, he shook his head and set the brochure for the Lucido Lusso-R aside.
Mavensworth Belwick - @fromaj
Mike shook his head when he looked at the Belwick; the styling was as though someone took a big limousine and grafted a pickup truck front end on it. More through morbid curiosity than anything else, Mike went through the reviews of the Belwick; “unpleasant to drive, comfort that doesn’t befit a limousine at all and a very badly designed rear suspension that contributes to a harsh ride” was one reviewer’s opinion, and the top owner review had a title reading, “help my Belwick broke down again. Anyone need a kidney??? selling cheap”. With that, Mike set the Belwick’s brochure aside and moved on.
Rocket Falcon Boost! - @Mikonp7
Mike furrowed his brow as he looked at the Rocket Boost!, and was not impressed by the car’s styling one bit. Reading the stats in the brochure and the reviews, he found that the Rocket Boost! was not a particularly remarkable car in any way, being average at best and in many cases below the class average in many ways, apart from its prodigious appetite for fuel and Y-rated tires making it a very expensive proposition to own. Its price tag reflects the reported ownership cost too, it seems, Mike thought as the 737 started its engines, setting the brochure aside.
MEN POLSKI SubUrbvan SLD - @DoctorNarfy
Mike frowned when he looked at the SubUrbvan SLD information package. What on Earth was I thinking when I included this?! he thought to himself. Sure, it meets the criteria alright, but is this just a silly inside joke from one of my squadron mates, playing at the expense of one of our own, or does it really merit further investigation? Mike looked over the stats; while he was impressed by the price tag, the SubUrbvan SLD just didn’t seem like a serious contender to Mike, so he set the brochure aside and moved on to the next candidate.
Armor Valencia Super Comp - @GassTiresAndOil
Mike looked at the rather oddly-proportioned Valencia Super Comp on the brochure cover and furrowed his brow, not exactly liking what he saw, and that dislike went even further when he looked at the fuel economy and weight of the car; a car this heavy would be a real issue if we ever need to do a snap deployment, since we’re already trying to shave pounds out of our “go-kit”, Mike thought as the 737 taxied out to the runway. Reviews did the car no real favours as well, with journalists describing the car as good to drive but very uncomfortable. Owners too were a mixed bag, with complaints about the brakes being loud, grabby and expensive to service. Mike shook his head, placed the brochure into the growing pile on the tray table in front of him, stowing his effects away as he returned the tray table to the upright and stowed position for takeoff.
Martin-Wagner Radeon RT-8 TXi - @F12OM
Once airborne on their way to [UNDISCLOSED LOCATION] for another group of passengers, Mike resumed his analysis with the Martin-Wagner Radeon RT-8 TXi. Mike found the styling innocuous and generally quite generic, with nothing really to catch the eye at any point. Reviews, though, were a decidedly mixed bag, with the car being called out for being fussy and difficult to drive on account of the flat-plane V8 engine’s rather unpleasant manners, its high cost and poor fuel economy. One owner’s report was solely, “This car is a nightmare, I want this heap to die so I can convince my wife to get something else, but it’s so damned reliable I’m just going to push it off a cliff instead.” Mike chuckled at the review and set the brochure aside.
Kasai-GMBK Sativa V8 - @goblin95
Mike frowned the moment he opened the brochure for the Sativa V8; it’s just like the Ferd Exploder, but worse in every way, he thought. Reviews indicated it got decent fuel economy for such an enormous and heavy vehicle, but it was really very uncomfortable for its class, perhaps owing to the Sativa V8’s antiquated and poorly tuned suspension; seemingly set up in such a way so as to anticipate a huge amount of cargo in the rear more than it was set up for good road manners. Mike shook his head again and set the brochure aside.
KAG Jayu 3.8T GT - @Cheeseman
Mike smiled as he looked at the brochure for the KAG, having finally come upon a car that actually looks right for a change. Jeez, these guys have come a long way since they were making those terrible shitboxes back in the 80s…Poulain, I think they were called? Mike thought. Reviews were decent, with praise for the car’s nice interior, excellent fuel economy and cost of ownership, but criticizing its road manners somewhat on account of the fussy engine and transmission pairing. Still, Mike was taken enough by the styling and the positives to overlook some of the issues, making a note to contact the dealership for an appointment.
Corsica Vienna CR - @ElMenduko and @CorsicaUnknown
Mike raised an eyebrow looking at the Vienna CR; wow this thing is funky, and not in like a “get the funk out” sort of way, but in a “the cheese was left on the counter for a week” sort of way. Mike looked through the rest of the brochure, frowning more than a few times as he poured over the car’s incoherent styling, as if the designers just peppered the car with ideas like bullets out of a machine gun and went with what stuck. Reviewers deemed the car to be average at best, with a harsh ride and a very oddly tuned engine, with Mike gasping a little when he read that it had a lawnmower-like 6.6:1 compression ratio. Thinking long and hard about it, Mike considered calling the dealership, but decided he’d do so only if he didn’t get any other good candidates.
Imperator Crab - @MasterDoggo
Mike frowned a little bit as he reacted to the oh-so-familiar shape of an SUV, thinking this was yet another practical joke by one of his squadron mates, but paused for a moment as he actually took the Crab’s design in – rather quickly, he found himself quite taken in by the aggressive and clean design of the Crab, and soon Mike found himself turning the pages of the brochure, liking what he saw quite a bit, the light weight being a very pleasant surprise for a vehicle that size. Reviews of the Crab were generally favourable, with journalists and owners alike praising the car’s good ride quality and interior comfort, with an excellent cost of ownership being slightly offset by the below-average reliability of the vehicle. Mike thought about it for a moment, then made a note to visit the Imperator dealership for more information.
Zorg ZV-4 GTS - @abg7
Mike opened the brochure from the Zorg dealership and shrugged, the styling of the ZV-4 being incredibly plain to his eyes. Reviewing the stats, he found the car to be underwhelming at best, with reviewers and owners complaining of poor road manners, expensive services and awful fuel economy. The price of the ZV-4 GTS didn’t help much either, which appeared to be a bit worse than the class average. Shaking his head, Mike set the brochure aside and moved along.
SBA Crescendo Cr.20 Typhoon Type X FQ5XX - @z2bbgr
Mike frowned a little at the Crescendo’s brochure; the car was very plain to his eye, and not even the boy-racer centre exhaust could hide the fact from anyone. The car was noted by reviewers as driving rather well, but it was uncomfortable and many questioned whether the 2-litre 4-cylinder engine was up to the task…a fact that owner reviews sadly seemed to confirm, that the car suffered from awful fuel economy and reliability in practice. Shaking his head, Mike put the brochure into the rather large pile of rejected cars and continued.
Milae Zenith V BBS6 Aero Hatchback - @Xepy
Mike scratched his head on this one, considering the hatchback’s very aggressive, almost tuner-like styling. Still, he shrugged and continued reading, and was impressed by what he saw in terms of stats. The Zenith V promised to deliver excellent fuel economy and reliability in a comfortable, cheap and compact package, and the reviews by owners seemed to bear this out, with everyone seemingly united in singing the praises for the car’s excellent road manners and handling. Mike figured what the hell, and made a note to go to the Milae dealership for more information.
Hawker Cerberus SHP-500 - @USDMFTW and @Lava_Cake
Mike frowned a little bit, at the endless barrage of oddly coloured, poorly-composed photographs of the Cerberus. A multi-million dollar production, this brochure, and they came up with these awful photos? he thought to himself, shame, really, it’s a decent-looking car overall. Mike continued to look over the stats and reviews, finding the car to be decidedly average in just about every conceivable way, though it did return rather good fuel economy, and was criticized for having a rather harsh ride. Considering many of the cars that Mike had already rejected for one reason or another, he figured that this one was worth a shot, and made a note to contact the Hawker dealership for more information.
Reduit Automotive GSR51 - @Kobacrashi
Mike frowned a little bit at the overly stylistic pictures in the brochure from Reduit, which upon further inspection concealed the fact that the car is mediocre in terms of styling. It only got worse from there, reading about the enormous boxer-6 engine and its front-wheel drive layout. Despite that, reviewers claimed that the car was rather decent to drive, but it also noted as being rather uncomfortable and suffered from poor fuel economy. Also, one reviewer indicated that the GSR51’s brakes faded terribly in high-performance situations, since the GSR51 used drum brakes on the rear axle. Mike shook his head and placed the brochure into the discard pile and moved on.
Valdora Staria 4.3XT - @Repti
Mike opened the brochure he collected from the Valdora dealership the week prior. Looking at the car, he found the looks to be mediocre; most of the car was decent, but the headlights and the rear wing really detracted quite a bit from the overall look of the car. The Staria performed reasonably well, it seems, with reviewers praising the car’s handling and reliability, but looking down on the car’s rather plain, outdated interior in comparison to the rest of the class. Mike thought long and hard about it, but he just couldn’t get over the styling of the car, and set it aside.
Quost Aegis S - @Oldenways
Mike raised an eyebrow when he opened the brochure for the Aegis S; the styling was nothing if not polarizing in his mind – something you either loved, or hated. Mike fell kind of into both sides, liking the features in the front, but looking on the odd body shape in the rear with some skepticism. Reading on to the price of the Aegis, he raised an eyebrow; the car was extremely expensive, and didn’t really have a lot to show for it in comparison to its rivals. Further reading revealed that one of the big reasons for the cost was the fiberglass body of the Aegis – not a bad thing by itself, Mike thought as the chime to fasten seatbelts came on before landing, but you’d think it wouldn’t be so heavy as a result. Mike took the final brochure in his stack and set it aside, gathering up all his papers and stuffing them back into his flight bag.
Mike walked into the dealership, seeing Nathan chatting with another salesman. Catching a glimpse of Mike, Nathan ended his conversation with the salesman and greeted Mike with a handshake. “Hey Mike, I’m glad you came back. So, what did you think of our car?”
“Thanks, Nathan…yeah, I liked what I saw there. Tell you what, do you think I can arrange a test drive for this weekend?” Mike replied.
“The whole weekend?” Nathan asked, a little shocked. “I mean, I could talk to the boss and see if he will let you borrow the car for the weekend, but that’s a bit of a tall order, you know…we expect a lot of people to be shopping around!”
“Well, I can always take my business elsewhere, if that’s a problem!” Mike replied, standing his ground firmly.
Nathan bit his lips and frowned for a moment, stuck between making a big sale and pleasing his other potential customers. “Ah, what the hell, take the car and see if you like it. Just have it back to us first thing Monday morning, would you?”
Mike smiled wryly. “You bet, Nathan.”
Friday Night, at Just Another Non-Existent Terminal
Under cover of darkness, Mike “Lego” Waters shivered a little bit in the cool night as he supervised five cars being loaded into the belly of the cargo aircraft, being prepared for their short trip to Groom Lake. “Hey! Make sure you keep those strap ratchets away from the paint, or you’re buying it!” Mike shouted over the din of the machinery in the cargo hold. Mike smiled to himself briefly, this will make a hell of a story to tell once this program is declassified, he thought to himself as he made his way to the jumpseat, preparing himself for the short trip back to Dreamland…
Thanks for the great work and the lore you’ve created for my loreless company
I’m very pleased to hear the KAG has got through even with its flaws (I was well aware). Now please don’t let me come second or I really don’t know what else to do anymore
Looks like I’ve got some old Korean shitboxes to make, too.
You big poopyhead y u bin me!!1!!one
Ayy I think I screwed slightly in there. Exploring new concepts: what if instead of coupling a turbine to an Otto-cycle engine… engineers hit blunt …we instead couple an anemic Otto-cycle engine to a turbine
Hawker is happy to be average, but our brochure designer probably needs a talking too.(yay we are not binned)
Ouch, binned for being too average for the first time, as well as gearing. Welp, that’s something I’ll keep in mind.
Again, I’m binned.
But whatever, congrats to the finalists!
Fair enough. I actually made my car a little too fast this time.
And only now am I starting to understand the client’s true purpose: to buy a chase car to guide a stealth bomber onto the runway during landing.
CSR 97 Final Judging
Groom Lake, Nevada, March 21st
“Alright ladies and gentlemen, here are the five chase car candidates to replace the G8.” Lego said as he strode into the hangar, the five cars all parked in a line next to one of the aircraft, up on jacks for routine maintenance. “Get a good look, everyone and let me know what you think; we’re going to be taking them out for a drive out on the runway in a bit.”
The rest of the squadron’s pilots whooped and hollered as the cars came into view; “Whoa, sick!”
“Damn, that’s one of those hot KAGs, I’d fuckin’ love one myself!”
Like a bunch of schoolkids, the pilots climbed all over the cars, peering under the hood and climbing into every seat, laughing and carrying on the whole time. “I’ve got spec sheets here for you all to look at,” Lego said as he placed a few photocopied sheets on the roofs of each car, “read them over and keep it all in mind when we go out driving.”
Half an hour later, the pilots were all outside on the taxiway, stamping their feet in the cold as they waited their turn in each of the five cars, racing up and down the runway as fast as each machine could handle, doing hard stops and repeating until everyone had a chance to drive everything. The squadron broke for lunch, then convened in the ready room, to choose their new chase car.
Jinhe Qingxhu SRB - @yangx2
“Alright, what do we think of the Qingxhu?” Lego asked.
“Does this thing have cameras built in that phone home every time the car is driven?” one of the pilots asked, snickering.
“I found it very easy to drive, but the brakes really sucked, man…we did two runs up the runway and they were smoking by the end of it.” Another said.
“It’s pretty comfortable too, I guess…”
“Yeah, but not really any better or worse than the rest really…”
The discussion continued for a few minutes when Lego interjected, “So, it’s the best car we’ve looked at so far, right?” he said with a wry smile.
“It’s the only car we’ve looked at, Lego!” One of the pilots shouted from the back of the room.
KAG Jaju 3.8T GT - @Cheeseman
“OK, moving on then…what do we all think of the Jaju?” Lego asked.
“It’s a little worse to drive than the Qinghxu, but still really good…”
“Pretty comfortable, and it looks good to boot!”
“This was about the only car that could pound up and down the runway all day long and not have any trouble!”
“Sure dude, but these owner reviews say it’s not exactly cheap to keep running…”
“Yeah, you’d like that though, you drive a BMW!” The rest of the pilots shouted and whooped at this comment.
“Alright guys, let’s keep things civil!” Mike interjected again. “So, show of hands, who likes the Jaju?” Most of the pilots raised their hands in response. “And who thinks it’s better than the Qingxhu?” A couple hands went down and a couple more came up, but most stayed raised. “Alright, are we in agreement that the Jaju is the leader so far?” Mike asked. A chorus of responses confirmed that, and Mike put it on the whiteboard, ahead of the Qingxhu.
Imperator Crab - @MasterDoggo
“Now, we’ve got this SUV…the only one in the group. What do you guys think?” Mike asked, putting a picture of the Crab up on the screen at the front of the room.
“It’s quiet and comfortable, lots of room inside!”
“For what? We’re chasing airplanes in this thing, not chasing tail!” More hoots and hollers from the pilots.
“It says here it gets the worst fuel economy, and the ownership reviews might be the worst in the bunch…”
“It looks good, if you ask me…”
“Yeah but it’s an SUV, if we take that thing on deployment, they’re gonna fucking laugh at us!”
“It drove worse than the other four…maybe because it’s so big and tall…”
Mike paused for a moment, then called for silence. “Alright, who here likes the Crab?” A few hands went up, but not as many as with the Jaju. “Who thinks it’s better than the Qingxhu?” Most of the raised hands went down. “And the Jaju?” One hand remained up, from the lone Texan in the room.
“Of course you’d like it Slim, you’re probably wondering if you can get a gun rack in the back!” More shouts and whoops from the crown.
Milae Zenith V BBS6 Aero Hatchback - @Xepy
“Moving on then, ladies and gentlemen…the Zenith hatchback?” Mike asked, changing the PowerPoint slide.
“It’s a bit ridiculous-looking, don’t you think?”
“Nah man, I love cars like that!”
“Yeah, you would say that, you’ve got a poster of Vin Diesel in your locker!”
“It’s really not anywhere near as comfortable as the others, plus its small size will make the chase driver training really miserable…like, we’d be able to do only one at a time comfortably.”
“Yeah good point…that thing is going to be miserable to be in all day long!”
Lego raised his hands to stop the discussion for the vote. “So what do we think? Better than the Crab?” Most of the hands went up. “…better than the Qingxhu?” Most of the raised hands went down, except for Captain Fast and the Furious. “There we have it, then…third place for the Zenith so far.” Lego said as he squeezed the Zenith between the SUV and the Chinese sedan.
Hawker Cerberus SHP-500 - @USDMFTW and @Lava_Cake
“Last car, guys…what do you think of the Hawker?” Lego asked, flipping the PowerPoint presentation one last time.
“Great name…too bad the car it’s attached to just really isn’t, in comparison.”
“It’s as big as the Jaju and Qingxhu, but somehow it’s even less comfortable than the Zenith inside, yuck!”
“Pretty ho-hum to look at, which kind of matches how it drives if you ask me…”
“Yeah this thing, the ride is just brutal…I could feel every last expansion joint on the runway right up through my spine!”
“Most of the reviews are so-so from owners, though they report the fuel economy is not that bad…”
Mike stopped the discussion there; “So, where do we rank the Cerberus?” he asked, “Last?” Most of the hands went up. “…fourth?” Most of the hands went down. “…third?” The rest went down. “There we have it ladies and gentlemen, the Cerberus is fifth. I guess this means the Jaju wins!”
Congratulations @Cheeseman for finally winning, after so many second-place finishes, your very first CSR! You managed to combine technical prowess with an attractive package that will serve its role as a chase car for [REDACTED] for many years to come!
Thank you all for participating!
Congrats Cheese, and to all of those who did better than USDM and I!
you should have made him second
Thanks for the interesting round! It’s great to be back on the podium again after two Honghu flops. Hopefully cheeseman is able to host once again because all I have ahead of me are finals, finals, and finals.
May the next CSR be just as good!
MrChips : Thank you for holding competitions. The Yinzer design team is having a sigma meeting.
The design chief said “Did you tell him that all of those other cars will need those lights stuck on somehow?” “No.” - “Did you point out how large a car it is for how light it is?” “No.”. "What about service costs of the competitors? Why do people have to stop so fast? They are driving on a runway… Did you mention your times driving fast on an international airport runway? Does he understand that fleet vehicles last for 40 years? " “no… no… I don’t know. I am wondering if this guy is really contracted by the Air Force for anything or if he was some dreamer - sorry for wasting your time on our next project.”
And a well-deserved one too! He hosted the round prior to this one, which was themed around ultra-luxury cars, but if he takes up hosting duties for CSR98, I’m expecting the theme to be about something much more affordable.
inb4 you thought
Excuse me wtf
Well thank you very much that is a win I was seriously not expecting.
As I’m not that busy at the moment I should be able to host again but give me some time to come up with something as I’ve just read this before heading off to work.
A win? Me? Never…
Breaking news: EVGENIS AND VALTA CLOSE DOWN AFTER NEVER SELLING ANY CARS.
The Evgenis group confirms today that Evgenis and Valta have shut down after six months of no sales after not selling any cars. After a survey was conducted, it was found that these cars always were people’s second choice. The group has confirmed that only KAG Automobiles will be sold.
Once again, thanks. Now time to throw myself under the CSR load!
This was a really great idea for a round @MrChips, really enjoyed reading the reviews! Congrats to Cheeseman!