Zach: I can’t wait for the week off school. We are gonna have a great time.
Mia: We need to talk.
Zach: About what?
Mia: About me dumping you.
Zach: What? Why?
Mia: I just can’t stand all the lying and cheating on each other.
Zach: But baby, I’ve never cheated on you.
Mia: I know… that’s what makes this hard.
Luigi: I would like to propose a toast. To Marc Levinstein: The only man here who can suck a promotion out of a penis!
Crowd: Hear hear!
Marc: Thank you for that rather expected toast.
Cop: Hey Chief, you want me to shoot him?
Luigi: You shoot me in a dream you better wake up and apologize!
Cop: Ha ha ha!
Marc: Nah, I’ll let it slide. It is a party after all.
Luigi: That’s right, I’m just expressing my First Amendment right. Which means I can say any damn thing I want, and there’s nothing your kosher pig chief can do about it!
Marc: I changed my mind, shoot this piece of shit!
(The cop shapes his hand like a gun and points it at Luigi making a gunshot motion)
Blake: Hey, that’s imaginary police brutality!
Cop: You want some too?
Blake: Never mind.
Luigi: In all seriousness, Congratulations. I couldn’t think of a better candidate to be chief of police.
Marc: Thank you. Anyway, let’s party on. Except you Grainger!
Grainger: Why not?
Marc: Uh, you have a shift starting in three hours.
Grainger: So I can’t enjoy myself at your promotion party?
Marc: Fine, here’s forty bucks, when your shift ends, buy a bottle of whiskey and go nuts! That’s an order!
Blake: Good morning Maria, is Luigi still asleep?
Maria: Yes, he’s rather hung over.
Blake: Not a problem, I know just what to do.
(Blake walks into the kitchen and grabs a pot and a large spoon)
CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!
Blake: Wake up sleepyhead, we’ve got a big schedule today!
Luigi: (groan) I want to die!
Blake: You know the Tour is less than a week away, we’ve got last minute work on the car to do.
Luigi: Ugh, can’t it wait until tomorrow, my head is killing me.
(Blake raises the pot and spoon)
Luigi: Alright alright! I’ll get up.
(Later after a shower and a shitload of coffee)
Blake: Where’d you get this push bar?
Luigi: Old 109.
Blake: They finally retired her?
Luigi: Yup, replaced her with a Seneca.
Blake: I can’t believe it, that things been overdue since I was still there.
Luigi: Son of a bitch! God damn bolt snapped!
Blake: To the frame?
Luigi: No, this God forsaken undertray!
Blake: Leave it off then, those things were usually nothing more than grief anyway.
Luigi: With pleasure. So I meant to ask, is everything okay? Charlotte seemed a little distracted.
Blake: It’s Zach, apparently his girlfriend has been cheating on him.
Luigi: That’s rough. Okay, all done under here.
Blake: Excellent. You think she’ll pull through the challenge?
Luigi: Well, she’s got a new axle, the push bar. Plus that new stereo system we installed.
Blake: I can’t believe you bothered with this hood ornament.
Luigi: Hey, it was at the junkyard, and I figured since this is largely a homegrown car now, why not?
(Blake is out in the backyard splitting wood, a piece flies out and smashes a tail light on the Enforcer)
Blake: Son of a bitch!
(Blake and Luigi head out to the junkyard in search of a new tail light assembly. The only ones they find are off a Gen I Enforcer. Fortunately the only difference is an amber lens, so they get a pair to put on the car.)
Charlotte: You can’t just sit around the house moping all week.
Zach: Why not? I just got dumped, my classes are going nowhere, my life is in shambles!
Charlotte: That’s why you need to get out, take your mind off her.
Zach: Just leave me alone!
Charlotte: I want you to consider going with your father on this trip.
Zach: Oh yeah, there’s a way to spend my vacation, crammed in a car with three old guys!
Charlotte: Or think of it as time to gather your thoughts, not to mention a chance to bond with your dad. I know you two have grown apart.
Zach: Okay, I’ll think about it!
Charlotte: No, you’re going on this trip!
Zach: And if I refuse?
Charlotte: Then I’ll guarantee you’ll have a worse time here!
Charlotte: Get your stuff packed, I understand they plan on leaving tomorrow.
Marc: I can’t believe you wasted time and money on this ridiculous stereo system!
Luigi: Okay, by ridiculous I think you mean “Bitchin”
Marc: No, I mean a waste of money and time.
Blake: Hey, there’s nothing wrong with having some good music on a drive, and now this car has a CD player.
Zach: Yay, the top of the line of Yesterday!
Marc: Throw your stuff in the trunk, there’s plenty of room.
Luigi: Yeah, that’s one of the best things about this car, huge trunk space, plenty of room for spare parts and food and gear.
(Our Intrepid team sets out on the road, Blake is currently behind the wheel)
Blake: Look, I know this isn’t how you planned on spending your vacation, but you’ll have fun, trust me.
Zach: (staring into his phone) Yeah, sure.
Blake: Will you at least look at me when I’m talking to you?
Zach: Yeah, sure.
Blake: Okay! (Grabs Zach’s phone out of his hands and throws it out the window)
Zach: What the hell?
Blake: Oh, now you’re paying attention!
Zach: Why’d you throw my phone out the window you crazy old man?
Blake: (whaps Zach across the forehead) Enough! I really don’t need your bullshit right now! I get it’s natural for kids to be angry with their parents for no reason…
Zach: I’m not a kid anymore!
Blake: And yet you act like one! Look, I’m sorry about Mia.
Zach: No you’re not, you never liked her!
Blake: And yet she turned out to be a two-timing bitch, seems like I’m vindicated.
Zach: sigh I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing!
Blake: You’re supposed to be upset, but you’ll get over it. There are plenty of women out there… and most of them will be a disappointment.
Luigi: So, um, is the whole trip going to be like this?
Zach: Maybe, I didn’t even want to come along!
Marc: You want to know my advice?
Zach: Sure why not? You’re all going to tell me regardless of whether I want to know.
(The Enforcer arrives at the site)
Luigi: Will you look at that green paint job?
Marc: Braille for the colorblind.
Zach: You mind turning up the heat, I’m a little chilly.
Luigi: The heats already on full, (feels vent) What the hell?
Blake: You topped it off with coolant right?
Luigi: Yeah, right before we left. God dammit, what is with this car now?
(Marc and Zach walk around to stretch their legs while Blake and Luigi check under the hood)
Blake: There! That’s running down the front of the motor.
Blake: Right by the pulley. Dammit! I think the water pump took a shit!
Luigi: Great, I wish we caught that before.
Marc: Find anything?
Blake: Yeah, we need a new water pump.
Marc: Damn! That’s not good.
Zach: I don’t suppose you happened to stock one of those in the trunk?
Luigi: No I didn’t Mr. Smartass, but we shouldn’t have much trouble finding one at a parts store.