Reviews Block #1 (First Cuts Part 1/2)
Our customer woke up at 5:00AM, because he's a productive, hard-working, upstanding CEO, despite what his coworkers have to say about that. Much to his chagrin, the mail hadn't arrived yet, so he was forced to sit idly at his maple wood 20' long desk, which originally was supposed to be a meeting table. At 8:19 the mail truck arrived, and a large cardboard box was unceremoniously dumped onto his front mat. As he picked up the incredibly dense container a few paper sheets leaked out of it, as it was filled to the brim. He prepared some French press coffee and started going through the brochures, to take a look at the cars' aesthetics.
First brochure of the day! I couldn't wait any longer! Until i saw this. We're off to a quite bad start, this Omega Barracuda T-Top would make the snobs (how ironic) from that annoying company a few blocks away point and laugh. And they'd be justified, since this thing is ugly. It's got a weird face, and a rear end that looks like a race car with constipation issues . I'm sorry Omega, but this brochure goes to the bin.
I grabbed the next brochure from the box, and was greeted by a tremendously bright blue color, a clear sign this was Bogliq's brochure. One of my employees owns a Bogliq, it's apparently from Moldavia, which is some Eastern European thing. The Ungoliant's design can be defined with just one word, Ungainly. It's really weird and bad looking. This is again, not the kind of car i need. Another one gets the bin...
Next up was Albury, from the land down under, with their new Crusader 5.7 Touring, a sleek V8 machine with a sporty, but relatively elegant design, it could grow on me. The interior seems well appointed and fitting for a car of this price range, and it even has that fancy adaptive suspension thing. They're advertising their car's reliability really heavily, and i'm sure they have a reason to. The 5.7L V8 engine is quite adequate for the task, it seems. I should check it out at the dealership.
What's this? LLA Dunpala, huh? I can say one thing, it looks weird. And by weird i mean it looks silly. There are bad chrome accents all over the place, and black plastic that wouldn't look out of place in a Cavalier. I guess people who want a sports car to take to the track would like this, but i don't. To the bin!
Cordia Spada.. This one looks nice, i quite like it. I can picture it at InfoCOM's new parking lot. The Japanese are making some really gorgeous machines nowadays, that's for sure. The interior has a ton of newfangled electric gadgets and it's riding on a fancy "Active Suspension", the engine is a 4.2L Inline 6, which, if Jeff from accounting knows anything, is quite large for an Inline 6. I'll have to try it out at the dealer.
Alright, First Order Automotive Trident GT, this car has a vintage feel of sorts, but it doesn't look ancient, it's quite alright, until you see the rear end, which i'm not liking at all to say the least. Anyways, this car seems to come with a similar interior design as the ones i've already viewed, and again the active thingamajig. It's got a 3.2L V6, which i guess is enough.. and All Wheel Drive, which i've heard makes controlling the car easier, especially when it's raining or snowing. The MSRP is a lot under my budget, which isn't quite what i wanted, you know what? This goes in the bin. We're looking towards the future at InfoCOM, not old design.
This next brochure comes from Rennen, and it's for the.. Apophis? i'm not sure if i'm pronouncing that right. Yeah, it's the Apophis Elite C. It looks nice, conservative but quite modern, i even like the color they used in the brochure. It's got a V8 engine, and one that seems rather advanced. Whoa, the interior in this thing is lavish, never seen anything like this... it's like those 200k limousines.. wait, how the hell did they manage to put this in? I called the dealer for some more info on this car, and they've told me that for this interior the waiting list is almost a year long. Well, that was a waste of time. Binning this isn't enough. (Our customer proceeded to light the brochure on fire)
What do we have here? The Valiant GT960. Supercar performance, Full-size comfort and Japanese reliability are what it claims to offer. One thing is for sure, it's got the looks. Maybe the front is a little bland, but i like the huge sunroofs and the rear. The interior seems to be the average high end stuff, and the suspension is of a more conventional type. Wait, what the hell is this? The top speed is 209MPH?! Alright it DOES have supercar performance, fucking crazy. Still, i am going to check it out.
Scarab Eruption GT, pretty sporty sounding, huh. And it sure looks the part, modern, elegant and sporty. It's got a Turbocharged V8 engine, making 402hp, which is quite a lot of power. On the inside it's about the same as most other cars in this box of brochures, it's got Air suspension, which is cool and fancy i guess, and All Wheel Drive, which i quite appreciate, since i could get a little spirited driving out of this. I think i should go and see it myself.
Now it's Cavallera's turn, i've heard this is a Spanish manufacturer, but this car is called the Ryujin, that sounds quite Asian to me, maybe Chinese? Well nevermind. Its styling is quite unique, if not strange, mostly the rear end, with those L-shaped taillights, though it fits the way InfoCOM is pushing towards the future. As usual, the average luxury car interior, and semi-active springs in the suspension, no idea what that means. Under the hood there's a 3.0 Liter Inline 6 with a Turbocharger, making 303hp. This one also doesn't go in the bin, it has potential.
Oh my, Sincker Athena, Sincker is supposedly a... plane engine manufacturer? Anyways, "Step into the Future". I'm not stepping into the future if it's staring at me like that. Why is it so happy? Those headlights are massive, and the rear is blobby. So, the interior is um, the same thing as the last 10 cars pretty much, except the Ap.. Apo.. whatever. It's got this Hydropneumatic suspension, that Jeff told me was used by the French, and apparently is very good for comfort. It's also got a prestigious V12 engine, making 384hp. But i just can't bring myself to like the styling. Sadly, the Athena is headed to the bin.
What were the designers at McKeown thinking?! If you squint it looks like a featureless car body, at least half of the design crew must have been on vacation. I know there are these things called "aero dams" or something that fancy cars use to get better mileage, but the GT has goddamn Hoover Dam glued to its front end. No. Just no. (This brochure was about to be thrown in the bin, but in a spark of creativity, it got slammed in a document shredder)
The next brochure was Nickel's, with their new MJ900. Its looks are peculiar. It looks smooth and modern, but the rear end looks more like a hatchback, and the front is maybe a little too bland. Inside it's the same as all the others, and it has a 5.4L V8 engine. Huh, what is this? Front wheel drive? All the other cars i've seen were either Rear wheel drive or All wheel drive. I had to call someone to help me out, and i think you know who i called. Anyways, he told me that was such a weird choice, and that FWD is better fit for a Ford Aspire than a car of this caliber. (Heh, i guess it fits the hatchback aesthetic.) And i think i will listen to his advice and throw this brochure in the bin.
Komodo sent me a brochure for the Losica, that apparently is a 1987 car updated for 1995. But it appears it has shrunk a little after washing it. This thing is tiny, i mean, i compared it to a Honda Civic Sedan and this thing is significantly smaller. I appreciate the effort by Komodo but a blocky slab-sided car with sealed beam headlights is not what i'm looking for. Though i would have liked taking it for a spin.
After throwing the Komodo's brochure in the overflowing trash can, he got a call for a business meeting... (To be Continued)
Number of Entries that got the bin: 9
Number of Entries that broke the rules: 1
Temperature of the coffee after the brochure viewing: 63.3°F
Snob level of our customer: Off the scale.
I probably broke the record for the highest Bin/Pass ratio.