Uhhh mate you were about 3 hours after the deadline and still a few minutes after the official entry closing post
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There are so many approaches and styles that I can’t say anything, I wouldn’t be surprised if I won, neither if I got last place.
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Such is the diversity and sheer number of this round’s entrants that I wouldn’t be surprised at my final result here either, whatever it will be.
Just to be different, I’m going to say I’d be very surprised if I won.
Because I never win CSR 
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Here are the first 23 reviews. That is all the work I could get done before the deadline. Now to see what I can do from now on. God help me.
November 23rd, 1998 – In a sudden turn of events, it rains in England. It’s a thick drizzle, the kind that makes you wet, but hasn’t got the big drops that would make it proper rain. The sun is starting to come out, as the skies are turning from black into dark grey. The mist brings up a grey curtain in the skies, which mixed with the fog means visibility is very limited. Lovely Monday morning, isn’t it?
It’s barely past 8:00 in the morning, meaning he got to work one hour early. At 9, there will be the weekly meeting in which the boss will bore them to death with the targets for the upcoming week. The meeting, which should take a maximum of 15 minutes, usually takes four times longer than that. One hour sitting around, with the arse-lickers showing off whatever bullshit they are excited to pull this week , erm, of careful explanations of the wonderful feats his fellow colleagues will pursue to achieve in the coming days, in order to win the appraisal of the higher governance. And that’s just the start, after that more meaningless meetings to be sat through and dreary forms to be filled. Excited for the day ahead? Absolutely.
After all, there’s a reason for being here early. Besides the usual piles of paperwork, there is a different, bright and colourful pile. 43 brochures of brand new cars. He stands looking outside, to the car park. Since he arrived so early today, he can see his dark-green rep-mobile close to the car park entrance. It is a slow, boring, plastic bucket. No more of that now. From now on, he’d be looking at premium cars. From the prestigious Italians from Iurlaro, all the way through to some worse brands like Komodo. Maybe they might have spit out a good time for once.
First brochure on the pile came from Japan, more specifically, the Mitsushita group. And first impressions were not good. The Cordia Aspero, what a silly name, how Japanese, is a small car. At 4.12m it’s pretty much the size of a small family car. The styling is iffy as well, with massive lights on the front and a weird greenhouse, that leads to a round arse. Those Japanese have really gone bonkers, he says, as the brochure is thrown into the bin.
Next up, came the F98-L. Weird name, peculiar styling. The sharp headlights were certainly aggressive, but the lower bumper looked as if someone thought a pair of chrome ovals would make for an interesting design theme. The rear is as featureless as the front, with just a couple of split taillights and a badge adorning the body work. At least, it isn’t as offensive as the Cordia. For $19,420, the F98 comes with a 2.4 inline 6 engine, which in true American fashion only makes 125 hp. However, the aluminium panels and 5-spead manual gearbox means the car is light and performance is adequate, needing only 9.5 seconds to reach 62 mph. The interior looks nice, with posh leather seats and a stereo with CD and cassette players. The luxury continues underneath, as the car is equipped with hydropneumatic suspension. It seems promising, yet a mixed bag. The car seems to not know what it is. Is it a luxury car, as the suspension, interior and engine layout would suggest? Or is it supposed to be sporty, as per the 5-speed manual gearbox? Maybe the manual box only serves to indicate that this is a cut price luxury car, something that would be highlighted by the lack of traction control, despite having ESP, and the cast iron engine with a low specific output. He puts this one aside on his drawer for the moment.
The next brochure came down the road from Erin. The british car maker would apparently be giving some of their next-year Taugas for certain key customers to test, and if necessary, some faults would be fixed. Very interesting, certainly, if not a bit sneaky and too good to be true. The front end could certainly do with a makeover, as it looks a bit surprised, with a gaping mouth and rounded headlights. Meanwhile, the rear is very classy and elegant. Inside, the dashboard and seat materials are rather good, with a simple head unit, with a CD player, but just two ordinary speakers. Safety seems to be pretty good, with high marks from independent judges, and it has a traction control system, but not the newer ESP system as in the F98-L.
The powertrain is classic executive saloon stuff. A small inline 6, 2.2 litres here, that is silky smooth, with modernities like VVL and dual-VVT. However, this car was tuned for fuel efficiency, meaning there is only 149 hp. Coupled with the 6-speed gearbox, the car gets 41 mpg and runs the 0-62 mph sprint in just 7.6s. Those numbers are certainly helped by the aluminium body and low 1200 kg kerb weight, split 53/47. This thing seems to be quite good fun when pushed, with many reviews claiming good cornering and not a huge tendency to understeer, yet maintaining a supple ride on the passive suspension. A smile appears in our middle manager’s face, this brochure stays around.
Onwards to the next one, for the Petoskey Keeweenaw. And his smile was wiped out of his face. Not because of the car itself, but some subordinate decided to come in and say hi, despite his office door being closed, and talk about her cat, or something rather. The only thing he paid attention of the 3-minute nonsense was right when she was leaving, she stopped and said “Damn, boss, that looks like a taxi from Addis Ababa, are you looking for a new car for our sales fleet?”. He just smile and nodded. Needless to say that this one got thrown away as soon as she walked out of his office.
Followed by that, there stood on your table the files for the Boony Continental. A front wheel drive, 1.2-55-hp-3-cylinder engined car, with a body on frame and a solid axle? Those stupid interns, they can’t even make decent coffee, how was he to expect decent market research as well, he laughed. And to the bin it went.
Next, the Minerva Midnight. In a colour scheme appropriate to its name, the Midnight looks as if it came straight out of 1986. The people at Minerva probably never saw a mobile phone or used icq. This car is ugly and old-fashioned. A design like this is simply unacceptable when we’re bordering the 21st century. Underneath, the car is a funny mixture of german and American influences. The 3.6 V6 with just a low specific output is certainly American, whereas the semi-trailing arm rear suspension and longitudinal FWD layout are quite german. For not knowing where, when and what it is, the Minerva goes to the trash can.
The Galt Vice followed. What an anonymous box. Boring styling, 15” wheels. Interestingly the car has a 2.8 V8 on the front, with a DOHC and 32 valves. That is good for 200 hp, powering the front wheels via a 5-speed automatic. The photos of the interior make it look quite cheap however and safety equipment is lacking, having only one airbag and no seatbelt pre-tensioners. It just didn’t seem worthy of his new position and too much like his old car inside and out.
As that brochure also got thrown on the bin, he noticed he was late for a meeting he’d been asked to go to. Of course he’d have forgotten about this one, after all, someone decided to have a board for being able to visualize the progress of a project, and the meeting was to decide the colour of the post-its that would be used. Yes, really. The corporate world is wonderful, isn’t it?
Once back, he soldiered on. The Griffa Sirion 3.3 TX4. Quite a good looking car, albeit with a front that takes some inspiration from a squirrel. But hang on, that can’t be right. 3.3 litres at this price point, and with a turbocharger to boot. 300 hp and AWD means the car goes from 0-62 in just 6.2 seconds, yet gets 41 mpg. This is certainly one for the keep drivers, with a 5-speed manual gearbox and double wishbone rear suspension. The interior looks upmarket, with leather everything, but the stereo is quite simple. There is no traction control, but there is stability control. Sure, there is a price to pay for this, and it is $20,410, but a smile opens on our middle manager’s face nevertheless, as he put this brochure on his drawer. Maybe life is not so bad after all.
Onwards, because holy damn, this pile is getting bigger by the minute. Who knew there were so many people competing in the executive car market. But these ones you had heard of, Centauri and their 2300 Limited. Pictured in a wonderful shade of Oilve Beige, the 2300 is a truly wonderful looking beast. Actually, no. It looks awfully boring, but at least it isn’t offensive, so it stays. The 2.3 inline 6 engine is turbocharged and pumps out a healthy 202 hp, while managing an impressive 48 mpg. The power is fed to the front wheels via a 5-speed automatic gearbox. Rather impressively, it is just as fast as the Griffa, despite having 2 less driven wheels and 100 hp less. Virtues of the aluminium panels and 1130 kg kerb weight. Like most of its rivals, it has leather seats and a somewhat cheap radio and only one airbag, but this one comes with the full suite of driver aids. For 18,460, this is a box on wheels, rather boring, but a good one, if nothing else does it, this one will. He puts it in his drawer.
The Iurlaro Caterina 2.5 Perla on the other hand doesn’t look boring at all. If anything, it looks like a Japanese sports sedan, with an aggressive and purposeful front end and an elegant back, still with signs of sportiness on the dual exhausts and a small spoiler on the trailing edge of the boot, which combined with the 16” 6-spoke alloy wheels make this car look more like a BMMA than an Iurlaro. The first is the sporty brand, the latter should be the one that makes cars for 75-year-old dentists from Florida. Underneath the theme continues, with an independent rear suspension and RWD, but that’s where the sportiness ends. The gearbox is a 5-speed slushbox, which is coupled to a 2.5, cast iron, inline-6 engine, producing only 150 hp. Combined with the heavy 1400 kg kerb weight, the Iurlaro only gets 37.5 mpg and the 9.3s 0-62 time is merely average. The high weight comes virtue of an all-leather interior, with a nice sounding 4-speaker stereo with CD and a cassette player, and the good safety equipment, including 2 airbags and ESP, and that is despite this being the entry-level model Perla, priced at 17,940.
Or for just 500 pounds more, he could get a turbocharged Evgenis Typhon. Despite the turbo, the engine in this 1.6 SE-L isn’t tuned for performance, having only 128 hp. What it does rather well is efficiency, achieving an impressive 51.1 mpg. This is a car catered for a more sedate driver, with a full leather interior, a posh stereo, a full range of driver aids and the power being fed through the front wheels. However, the car comes with a 6-speed manual gearbox, like a sports car and has double wishbone rear suspension, which should provide better road holding, at the cost of boot space. It also lacks a passenger airbag. The outside is much the same story. The front is aggressive, with slim headlights with a 3-part grille connecting them, but the rear is much more conservative and a bit fat and featureless. There have been cars already which were better than this one, and its ultimate selling point, fuel economy can’t make up for its other deficiencies, to the bin it went.
Following that came the Kramer K3, pictured in a very handsome burgundy colour. Those pictures immediately revealed the handsome front end, which was let down by the dull back end, without any kind of flair. Underneath, things are a lot more serious. A 2.5 inline 6 engine, with twin-cams and 24 valves, puts down its 162 hp through a 6-speed manual gearbox onto the rear wheels. There is even a limited slip differential, sure, a bit overkill for such power, but it shows the intent for sportier handling. Of course there would be a trade off, and that came inside. There are no leather seats, the dashboard has none of the soft plastics the other cars did, only a vast expense of hard plastic. The radio is a simple, 2-speaker unit, there is no ESP or a passenger airbag. It really tells you can’t have it all, this one has veered onto the sporting side, it remains to see if that’s what our office dweller wants. It surely lacks the prestige desired to stand out in the car park and to stay on the top of his desk.
From a classic sports sedan, we move onto a classic Japanese odd ball. The 1.3 turbocharged Hodan 445. The catalogue brings this car painted in a very strong orange colour, which is possibly an attempt of covering up the boring shapes overall. On the front, the lights are simply too close together and the grille looks weird. A theme continued on the rear, which is dull and quirky at the same time, quite an acheievement. The 1.3 engine makes a paltry 109 hp, meaning 0-62 takes long 11 seconds. However, there is no trade off in fuel economy, with it achieving just 36 mpg combined. The oily bits also suggest that this is a jumped up economy car, rather than a proper executive sedan. The FWD layout with a torsion beam rear suspension is something usually seen on the class below. Inside there is leather everywhere and a nice stereo, but again, no passenger airbag. For 17,550, this is quite a cheap car, but its mechanicals do tell where the costs have been cut, and why it has been from this list.
It was shortly followed there by the bright blue Argon. Of course it would, since it looks awful, with massive lights and it has a wasteful turbocharged 255 hp engine. However, it’s too heavy to make use of it and therefore too wasteful.
Next, the Versal Delante. It is handsomely boring front and rear, and that’s a good thing. It will certainly suit the executive car park rather well. What might not is the 36 mpg fuel economy. But that is partially offset by the 7.5s 0-62 spring and the RWD and 6-speed manual combo. However, looking at the spreadsheet, one thing grabs the attention. The car has semi-active sway bars. Is that witchcraft or what, our conservative office worker thinks, he simply won’t take the risks of having some fancy electrons running his suspension, something that would warrant a massive bill eventually. And to the bin it went.
Next up, straight out of the Smurfs TV set, the Bogliq Kitten Ralleye. No one knows What happened with the spelling with Rally or Rallye as the French call it. What matters if how good this thing looks, purposeful, with an aggressive stance and a nice rear end. The engine also seems to have come from a rally car, a turbocharged 2.0 inline 4 with 201 hp. Coupled with the 6-speed manual and AWD, that is enough for the car to be launched from 0-62 in just 6.2 seconds. However, this isn’t a classy car, or a mile muncher, quite the opposite. Inside, there is an awful aftermarket-looking cassette, somewhat cheap looking, despite being heavily bolstered, seats and no airbags, traction control or ESP. If he was 10 years younger, he’d have this, but at this point of life, it must go on the bin.
As must the Shromet Toldedo. First things first, that name. It would have sounded elegant and cool if they named it after the Spanish city of Toledo, however, Toldedo sounds wrong. As does the rest of this car. At 5 metres long, the Toldedo certainly isn’t fit for European roads and the looks tell a similar story. Lashes of chrome everywhere hurt the eyes and the wheels belong to a 1970s-muscle car. Being American, this car is obviously heavy, at over 1600 kg, and it also obviously as a V8. Surprisingly, it has overhead cams, something he didn’t know the colonies had figured that out yet. If it were from Germany, the 4.0, 32-valve, V8 engine would achieve at least 300 hp, whereas the Yanks could only manage a pathetic 147. The brochure goes to the bin where the Toldedo’s parts seem to have come from.
On the topic of parts bin, the JHW Aeterna shares the exact same bumper at the rest of the JHW line up. Have they not got any imagination or their supplier can only make one shape of lower grille? The lights and chrome bar complete the anonymous look, with it being continued at the rear, with next to no features in place. Our middle manager is getting impatient, and when he sees the 34 mpg number on the spec sheet, the brochure immediately flies out of his hand and describes an elegant arc through his room, hitting the light switch, and thus turning off the lights, only to fall a foot off the rubbish can. Begrudgingly, he walks out to pick it from the floor and to turn the lights back on.
Another car American car came next, this time the LHE Astonish. Known for their rugged, cheap cars, with old tech and styling, LHE is now trying to push upmarket and fill the needs of the European markets. This is where this second gen car, in B+ trim, comes in. The styling certainly is modern from the front, but the rear looks like it came out of 1989. In keeping with the old tech theme, power is fed to the front wheels via a 4-speed automatic. But the engine is a modern all-aluminium (and not aluminum as it was written in the brochure) turbocharged 2 litre unit, with 159 hp, an adequate amount for such a light car. And here lies the issue with the Astonish. Unlike some of the cars here, it hasn’t got aluminium panels or some advanced high strength steel on the monocoque. It is light because it is small. It seems as if the americans heard through the phone that Europe liked small and refined cars, and then decided to send their smallest car and add luxury car features. The office coworkers would immediately see through this layer of leather. Another one to the bin.
A funny brochure was next. It had no name. The headlights had some kind of beam on them, as did the rear. And yet overall it was plain and boring. Probably some alien from the future dropped it among the other ones.
Talking about funny brochures, came the DSD Chrome. Quite a telling name, given its massive chrome front end. Funnily enough, the car itself is tiny, even smaller than the LHE Astonish. Underneath, it had RWD and a 5-speed automatic, but being that small and this ugly, it has no chance.
Followed by that, came the FOA Senate. And what a hideous looking thing it is. Weird shaped headlights, massive fog lamps, it looks goofy and ugly. No matter how good it is underneath, and it certainly has a very normal 5-speed manual and only gets 36 mpg, nothing will make up for such awfulness. He doesn’t want to be the laughing stock of the office, does he.
The AM260 was next. It is a handsome car, pictured in a nice shade of purple. However, it seems like the designer spent far too long on it. There are some details that detriment, rather than improve the design, such as the secondary lights near the front fender, the round shapes on the rear lights and the indicators on the rear bumpers. Fuel economy on this car is rather impressive, at 47 mpg, especially when it comes with a 2.5 (called 2.6 on the blurb for marketing reasons) inline 6 engine, that is turbocharged to get 200 hp. To help tame the car, AM used an all wheel drive system, coupled with a 6-speed manual. Performance is good, with 6.9s to 62 and 155 mph top speed. Inside, there are leather seats, but only a 2-speaker CD system and only one airbag. Driver aids are plenty, with traction control and ESP as standard. This brochure stays around.
After going through all of that, he looked at the clock. Noon. He lost an entire morning of work looking for a new car, and he still hadn’t gone through half. Productivity going through the roof there. As it was noon, he decided to get up and have lunch.
Part 2 will come either later today or tomorrow evening. And the final decision with the best cars will only come on tuesday. I wanted to wrap it up quite quickly, but there are simply too many cars.
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The first 23 
Seriously though, these reviews are sweet. Brilliantly concise and very well written.
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Hell yeah, Sirion stands a chance 
Congrats for managing this immense amount of entries. And the reviews are great indeed 
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Sad that this put my brochure in the recycling , I thought it may have given my car a boost but oh well. Great reviews anyway looking forward to the next set 
Oh yeah, centauri made the drawer list.
It seems like I skewed my entry too far towards sportiness and forgot about comfort and prestige to an extent. But anyway, I can see a pecking order developing among the cars which haven’t been eliminated yet. And those reviews are the best I’ve seen from anyone, myself included, so far!
Great work so far these reviews were a real treat. Thoroughly enjoyable with the perfect balance of fun and info along with a terrifying glimpse into the horrors of corporate life
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Pretty darn accurate, I tried to get more sport into it but couldn’t seem to get there with the fuel economy, cost, and comfort which I thought were more important. And DMA’s styling is always just a little off.
would appear i’m out of the running already, i knew it was a bad idea to try to take the cheap approach lol
i mean, my car WOULD have the same look as all the others, if this wasn’t the oldest car to look like this.
the other one with this setup is from 2012, but it do concede it’s a touch on the bland side.
My decision to take the Astonish upmarket has failed me.
I think he’s referring to you using the same lower Volvo grille on all your cars John 
plus the fact that said grille is way too modern for the time
This sums up my entry rather nicely, I was gambling for the chance at being a left-field entry and fumbled!
Now I have time to make popcorn for the next wall of text! 
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Awesome writing!
Looking forward for part 2!
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