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The Car Shopping Round (Round 64): Tears in Heaven


Always depends on the host, mods being so easy to install it’s rare we get a mod free round


eh, not the worst. costing was the big issue here, as i wanted to go full IKCO here, and even then, it seems IKCO would’ve been more expensive.


Yep. As expected, this round is turning into a properly good one.


Well, that’s a bit of a surprise. The Sinistra ‘penalty box’ managed to survive the first round somehow… Still, was fun building to the limits of the challenge while trying to maintain lore. SOHC and L-FWD had to be done.


i dunno what i was thinking when i made my car… even to the point that i forgot to put mirrors on it :blush:

but i’m sure damn proud of my engine. 1.5L i4, with LFC, MPFI+1, double mufflers, tubular header and 22% efficiency while making quite a bit more power than the average it seems.

some of you may think i’m just bragging, and you’re right, it’s nothing to brag about, well FU, i’m proud of that engine within the constraint limit


So Mr bragger, I made a shit pile OHV that got 23% efficency, still happy :stuck_out_tongue:

totally not bragging either


@abg7 pushrods take more time to engineer than DAOHC. Use the latter, you can fit MPFI on an i3 with no negative sliders easily. In fact you can even squeeze in +1 on it.


I never thought about that… But thanks for pointing it out.

Anyway, the initial reviews are among the funniest I’ve seen so far!


still 16hp down from me though :stuck_out_tongue:


ha, who needs efficiency when you can have POWAAAAAAAAAA

Also winner of the round’s shortest brochure blurb ayyyyy


I knew I was dead when Strop swaggered into the room, closely flanked by the two not-Porsche bodied entrants… I tried to go hyper-reliable but sporty looking, Paseo style, and got my ass handed to me! :rofl:


I definitely saw the Paseo in it, if that’s any consolation!


It definitely makes me feel better but, to be fair to the Paseo, my car is objectively worse in every way! :crazy_face:



An alarm clock woke him up early in the morning, just as the sun was rising, he hit snooze and went back to sleep. He slept through the snooze, and woke up at midday instead. Whoops. Who needs breakfast anyway? It took him a little less time than expected to get into the city, seemed like everyone was too busy getting food to be driving their cars around and getting in the way.

Conan - Pulo Bibi Sport

The first stop was the Pulo dealership, a smaller place that was a bit of a pain to find but it looked smart from the outside, and he could even see the car he was here to drive on display. He sauntered on in, not noticing anyone immediately around, springing on the opportunity to get a closer look at the Bibi Sport. Out the factory this thing came with 155/R14’s, solid front disks and drums on the rear along with a fairly standard suspension layout and a basic looking interior from what he could see through the window. He went up to the desk, and within a few minutes he found himself with the keys to give one outside a go, a suited man with a clipboard and a depressingly straight face following him closely, joining him in the passenger seat. A turn of the key fired up that 1.2 straight away, the 3 pot sending some gentle vibrations through the car at idle. Into gear it went and off they set, for such a small engine the Bibi pulled away well but that soon became apparent why, he was barely moving and already the engine was revving quite high, this thing had one of the shortest range boxes he’d seen in a while! Just getting out the city was frustrating, constantly fishing around for gears to keep in the power or revving high all the time and looking like a tit were the only options, a shame because the electric power steering really helped the car feel like a breeze to steer around. A few agonising minutes later they finally left the city, joining some of the back roads where the car could finally be opened out. Acceleration was much less than sport but not too terrible, the close ratio box means you’re constantly revving that engine hard if you want to get around and it’s fun! You feel like you’re going faster than you are, corners are a bit less fun however, the Bibi Sport leans towards the side of safe understeer however still manages to feel agile. The car was comfortable too, despite the interior being basic it felt like some care had gone into it, and the radio was a very nice extra. A few minutes of spirited driving and angry glares from the suited man, he turned back into the city, though not before standing on the brakes from a good 60mph, the ABS kicking in if he really pushed hard. Satisfied with the result and the increased annoyance of the suited man, he went back to the dealership and handed the keys back. It was a very comfortable car to drive that was decent in corners and about as slow as you’d expect a non-sport car to be at this price, but that gearbox meant that driving this car took a lot of effort despite the assists, and he could have swore he saw the display model with some light denting… Ah well, he’ll keep it in mind, not a bad car but not spectacular either.

abg7 - LSP LQ1

A short ride down the street he came across the LAP dealership, again a peek through the window revealed a nice and shiny display car. No time was wasted heading in and taking a closer look around the car, the styling really hadn’t grown on him since looking at the brochure. LAP had decided to fit this particular car with 145/R13’s which were a bit small in the wheel wells, and looked like they were on huge spacers considering where the front disks and rear drums were in relation to the rim. He also noticed some fancy ducting done to funnel air into the brakes, surely unnecessary on a budget non-race car such as this. A peek in through the window again revealed 4 full sized seats with a basic interior, and a radio. A few minutes later he found himself once again sat in the drivers seat with the key in his hand and a grumpy man in a suit next to him, he fired up the LQ1 to a smoother feeling engine, though that must have been down to it being a lower displacement. Setting off in the LQ1 was a completely different experience, thanks to the 4 speed the gears were much taller making city driving a bit easier, though at lower speeds the engine struggles to lug the car up to speed at any kind of a reasonable pace. Once again onto the back roads and it was time to open up the LQ1, it was a much less engaging and ‘fun’ car to drive because of it’s more sensible gearbox, and it felt a bit slower than the Pulo both in a straight line and around the corners, though the more basic hydraulic power steering did help make the car feel sportier than it actually was. The interior was a vaguely similar story to the Pulo as well, however it felt like there was no extra care or quality put in here, it was just your bog standard bare minimum, slightly less comfortable but still not bad nonetheless. Coming back into the city once more it was time for another brake test, remembering this time that the LQ1 comes with no ABS, and that was obvious. Standing on the pedal hard from 60 resulted in all four corners locking up and screaming the car to a stop and this was in perfect weather, slightly concerning especially in adverse weather where grip isn’t ideal. The rest of the drive back to the dealership felt a little more flat spot-y than before, he handed the keys back at the desk and had a quick thought. It may have been easier to drive than the Pulo and felt a little sportier, but the very tall gears and general slower-ness coupled with it’s weaker economy and lack of ABS for it’s braking power was enough to cut the LQ1 from his running.

Vmo - Gabatron Prarus 1.2 GL

Another short trip landed him outside the Gabatron dealership, somehow they seemed to be getting smaller every time, unless he was just going mad. Once again inside there was a nice black Prarus just like the brochure, again the styling hadn’t grown on him since the brochure and a quick look around showed some odd choices by the Gabatron engineers, the fronts featured some surprisingly thick 165/R13’s with chunky tyre walls, whilst the rears were wearing 150/13’s, what are staggered tyres akin to an FWD drag car doing on an $8k budget shitbox? Fuck if he knew, really, fuck if any of the suits in here know either. More sensible was the front disks and rear drums, though he could have sworn they didn’t look the highest quality, the springs following a similar suit though looking much cheaper. Again, after a few minutes of waiting and paperwork he was back in the car park with the keys in his hand, firing up the engine he straight away noticed this was a fair bit louder than the previous cars he’d driven, and the engine was a bit rougher to boot. Well, no point dilly-dallying, he went to put the Prarus into gear and… Couldn’t? No amount of pushing was going to get that gear to go in, back to neutral to start over, and this time it went in with some effort. This must be one shit gearbox he though, shrugging it off as he pulled away… Pulling away… How much clutch is left now? God this gearbox feels like it came out a diesel hatchback not a little 1.2 petrol, redline in 1st gear is nearly 40mph! It all feels so drawn out, crawling city driving is a nightmare because at tickover you’re rolling at twice the speed as everyone else so the clutch must be seeing death after half an hour. Out the city it doesn’t get much better, that 1.2 really doesn’t like the diesel box as it’s anaemically slow getting up to speed and it can’t take corners much better either, despite the staggered tyres putting you on edge of the back stepping out it just understeers instead. The ride is also the worst so far, another basic interior but everything feels so much cheaper than the last two cars, the suspension feels like it’s trying to slowly pummel his spine into dust and the gearbox feels like an abused early 50’s crash box that’s seen far better days. This is not a comfortable or fun car to drive, or be in, or around. Fuck the brake test, he’s getting out this thing before he can’t walk right, the dealership couldn’t come around the corner fast enough, and it was almost like he quick walked out the place.

NormanVauxhall - Znopresk ZZ 1.1 Prima

After that disappointment, he knew things couldn’t really get much worse, especially as he rounded the corner and saw the Znopresk logo, inside on display was again the same car he’d seen in the brochure. A short while later he was getting all up in it’s face, having a good look over it. 155/R14’s all around coupled with the usual front disks and rear drums, a peek through the window revealed 5 full size seats in such a small space, quite impressive. A couple minutes later he was once again sat inside, the engine came to life no issues, again a bit louder than the Pulo but still tolerable, not too rough running engine either. Pulling away was a much more enjoyable experience than the last car, the 5 speed still had close gears but doesn’t suffer the same issues as the Pulo, nor does it suffer like the Gabatron despite having an overdrive gear. City driving was the nicest so far, crawling was much easier and you weren’t fishing through gears nearly as much, electric power steering making sure that manoeuvring was a breeze. Out of the city and on the open road, the Prima got a chance to open up, in a straight line it’d give the Pulo a damn good run for it’s money but sadly this isn’t a car tuned to go fast around corners, the understeer is pretty heavy though it doesn’t feel like the slowest he’s driven, but it and the body roll kill any feeling of sport that this car could have had. But hey, who cares, it’s economical, the easiest car he’s driven so far, and whilst not the most comfortable it’s still plenty good enough. A quick brake test from 60mph before re-entering the city has the rear end skittering slightly as the ABS tries to keep the tyres from locking up, that ABS was definitely a good choice to make standard kit. He rolled back into the dealership and handed the keys back over, this was definitely making it to his shortlist.

Madrias - Sinistra Cinder LC-4

Next up to the chopping board was Sinistra, another not exactly huge dealership once again showing their Cinder front and centre for all to see. Wasn’t long before another good look was being taken, and he noticed a detail that didn’t really stand out from the brochure. Holy shit this thing has a lot of bulbs, he swore he counted at least 17 on one half of the front alone, that’s a lot of money for bulbs… Around the sides and it seemed Sinistra went with the wides tyres seen so far, 195/R14’s on each corner, this thing must grip like a champ regardless of what the suspension is like! A quick look under the car shows something a bit odd though, drum brakes on the front and the rear, and they don’t look the best quality either, with the suspension only looking slightly better but still cheap. A peek through the window shows 4 full sized seats and a blanking plate where the radio would go, well at least no-one is going to try and nick off with it. It seems like a bit more of an odd choice though considering a sunroof is standard kit but ah well surely there’ll be method in the madness. Once again a few minutes and some paperwork had him sat in the car park with the key in his hand, he fired the engine up and was greeted with a noise similar to the last cars he’d driven, however thanks to it’s inline 4 this was much smoother running. But oh dear, resistance and a small ‘crunch’ as he put the car into 1st revealed that the 4 speed wasn’t exactly exceptional quality. Setting off and city driving was quite nice, the engine had good torque low down and first, whilst being quite tall, was fine for crawling around in and you didn’t have to ride the clutch too bad when setting off. Though he was put off more than slightly by the power steering, it felt cheap, a seemingly running theme with this car, crunching and grinding occasionally as the wheel was turned and just generally not feeling right. Out on the back roads once again and it was time to put his foot down, the early torque plateau making the car feel a little limp past 3000rpm but it still went and held good power up to redline, it was faster than anything he’d driven today but it didn’t feel like it was by much. The corners were a similar story, those thick tyres helped the car not be too understeer-y but it didn’t feel much quicker than the Pulo for example. Though the very stiff ride did make the car feel a bit sportier than it probably really was, the comfort suffered. Was it the worst so far? No, but god it wasn’t exactly fun, the basic, radio-less interior was shoddily put together and the padding in the seats was enough to make a shitty motorway hotel’s pillows blush. Coming back around it was another brake test time, though with drums on all corners he was a little less worried about the lack of ABS, and yeah the Cinder wasn’t exactly quick to stop but there were no un-wanted lock-ups so driving in bad conditions would be just a little bit more forgiving. Pulling back into the dealership, he handed the keys over and then left, whilst it was nice to see something not a hatchback, it just felt too compromised and cheap whilst not really doing anything better than the cars he’d already looked at.

Lorded - LHE Li-C FDBE

Next up, LHE, another small-ish dealer not too far from the last, benefit of very dense cities he assumed. Inside not too far from the front door was the Li-C he’d come to see, walking over to have a closer look. Again, the styling hadn’t grown on him since the brochure but the car seemed alright, with 155/R13’s fitted to each corner and once again drums front and rear, though this didn’t come with ABS so maybe a wise choice. Peeking in through the window he saw 4 full sized seats, and a radio, lovely. A few minutes later the key was in the ignition, and the engine burst into life, and fuck it was determined to make you 110% sure that yes, this engine was running. Quiet, but the whole car had a gentle shudder to it when idling, bit of a shame really. Another slight oddity was the automatic box, he slipped it into drive then gingerly inched out the car park, joining the traffic. This was by far the best car he’d driven yet, the auto made traffic a breeze, no faffing on with gears or burning your clutch out, just gentle creeping and relatively smooth shifts. What seemed like a short time later he was out the city and it was time to open up the car and see what it can do, and cor in a straight at least it was the quickest thing he’d driven yet! And it was almost effortless, the engine struggling at higher speeds but still coping alright. Corners were a bit of a different story, it felt alright at low speeds but understeer was a bit of an issue, it didn’t feel like the slowest in the corners so far but it stopped the car feeling very fun to drive, after all this thing had an auto, sporting just isn’t what it’s about. The ride and the comfort, though, that’s what this is about, the bog-standard basic interior feels like it was built and that’s about it, no extra care put in but they didn’t exactly cheap out either, but the nice ride thanks to the suspension and gearbox made this the nicest car to be in so far. A quick brake test was up next, and the screeching of locked tyres as he stood on the brake pedal surprised him slightly, whilst it was hard to lock the fronts, the rears were a bit easier, potentially making slippery conditions a bit more dangerous. Back at the dealership he handed the keys over and headed off, it was a nice car to drive, and comfortable, though the engine was a weird one and the brakes had him worried, it was still worth keeping on his shortlist, for now at least.

Sillyducky - Fahrzeug VI Classic

And onto VAN TIME but sadly it seems that Fahrzeug aren’t showing off any panel versions of the VI Classic, that or they don’t make them, what a shame. His opinion on the looks hadn’t really changed since he saw the brochure, it’s a van who really expects cutting edge style. This particular one was sitting on 155/R15’s all around, bigger rims than you’d expect for a van but a look under shows why, drums all around and thicc ones at that, pretty much filling the whole rim and already, uh, rusting? Hmm, the suspension looked like it was turning as well, concerning for a van, especially one with a posh AHS and partial alu construction. Peering in through the window he saw 4 full sized seats, bit odd considering it’s a big van but at least it looks like there’s plenty of space in the back for hauling stuff around like a van should. A few minutes later he had the keys and was sat in the driver’s seat, the engine came to life with a quieter than expected exhaust note but it was another one of those engines you could feel running, maybe 1.5 litres is starting to be the upper end of what an inline 3 should do, but at least it’s not the worst yet. Further confusing was the gear setup, who the fuck went and put a sequential box in a van? How the fuck did they get one so cheap? Ah well, a flick of a paddle and a… Long wait?.. For it to decide to pick first gear, and it’s finally time to go. And oh boy, this is a sequential that’d make a midget with no arms driving a manual look like a fucking race box, the clutch feels like you’re leg pressing the entire van and it takes fucking forever to change gears, and even then it makes a nice clunky crunch and tries to throw you through the window. After what seems like the longest workout in the world, the city is finally gone and things open up, the VI Classic isn’t exactly quick in a straight line but it’s definitely not the slowest thing he’s driven yet, despite whatever you could call that excuse for a gearbox. The issues really came when he tried to slow down from this speedy change of speed, his foot hit the floor and the thing didn’t slow down, a few pumps of the pedal and it felt like he was using old kitchen sponges as brake pads, an improvement but god no. The dealership couldn’t have come around and quicker, and he couldn’t have ran from that death trap any faster.

CadillacDave - Kelet Asia 660

Hoping to cleanse his pallet of that last thing, he rounded the corner to the Kelet dealer, a pristinely polished Asia 660 sat in the front window. Wandering in for a closer look, it looked even more like a replica than it did in the brochure, quirky and he still liked it. Wandering around he noticed that it was running on some thinner 145/R11’s though traction shouldn’t be an issue, that 660cc motor is hardly a race engine. A look under revealed that Kelet went with the standard of disks front and drums rear, and thankfully unlike the last suicide box on wheels these looked like they were actually decent and not rusty Lego. A peek in through the window revealed that those 5 seats were full sized! Now that really would be hilarious, watching 5 grown men clamber into this thing. He did however notice that the bonnet was ever so slightly open, so of course he opened it up to reveal the beast th- Fuck me is this meant to be a race motor? Who puts ITBs on something that isn’t a race motor, or at the least a performance car? He scratched his head a bit before going up to the desk, a few minutes later standing out in the car park with a set of keys and an Asia 660 next to him, as he found when he got in, it’s surprisingly roomy for it’s tiny size. The engine came to life easily, the advantage of small displacement he guessed, though it was by far the smoothest running engine he’d driven yet, quiet too. The 4 speed did make the car feel a bit dated coupled with the styling, but it can’t be that bad, right? Wrong! Anaemic engine, meet 4 speed that’s actually got a gear basically dedicated to overdrive have fun. Around the city it’s not too bad, no-one is going anywhere quick and you sure a fuck aren’t so settle in, keep it in first and ignore the funny looks you get. Out of the city, this thing becomes a completely different beast, different as in holy fuck it is dangerous to be going this slow around everyone else. 30s, 30s for what though? To hit 100mph? Well that’s not bad. Nope, 30s to hit 62mph, and it tops out at 66. This thing is un-drivably slow, horses are quicker, shit you could literally out-run this thing in a pair of tatty old slippers. But surely it must be good in the corners? Haha nope, around a particular downhill hairpin a nasty case of complete oversteer happened, he barely managed to correct it in time and save the pair from plummeting off the edge of a bit of a cliff, though he could have swore he saw a little blue three-wheeler have to take evasive action, he wasn’t sure but it might have ended on it’s roof in a ditch. Oh well, he wasn’t going to check, didn’t have half his life spare to get back up to speed. A quick brake test to finish things off and holy fuck those tiny front disks grab like some kind of wildly inappropriate metaphor, thank god this thing has ABS because those front brakes feel like they were taken right off what the Fahrzeug should have had. 3 years later they were back at the dealership, he handed the keys over and then set off back home, the sun was setting and frankly he couldn’t be fucked any more, he needed sleep

END OF ROUND 2, pt.1

Pt.2 coming up after this lengthy break
(when I finally stop procrastinating and get the reviews done already)
(yes the Fahrzeug VI Classic is meant to be crashing I can’t Photoshop don’t judge I didn’t even try)


Yep, exactly as planned, a good wild-card, but not meant to win.


I expected that the Gabatron could be bad on some points, but not so bad😂


I omitted ABS because with all the other options on my car, I didn’t have enough left in the budget to install it. Still, I’m glad that the little LQ1 at least got a test drive from our eager buyer. At least I got a few things right…



(it’s 4:30am and I want to go to bed already edition)
Pictures, the last few cars and the final results will all come tomorrow, just bare with me :b:lz

The next morning he was up early for a change, taking a bit of time with his breakfast to think over the cars he drove yesterday, and making sure that he had time to get around everywhere today, after all, if this became a 3 day thing that’s just getting ridiculous. He set off back to the city once again shortly after, stopping off to grab a coffee while he waited for all the different dealerships to be open.

Bastormonger - Pradaj Shiva

The first dealership of the day he was stopping at was Predaj, a short walk through the front doors revealed a lovely red Shiva just like he’d seen in the brochure, he had a quick walk around and still felt a bit mixed about the styling, the rear especially. This particular Shiva was fitted with tiny 165/65R14’s that couldn’t fill the arches if they were bottomed out, kinda hilarious looking. A quick peek under the car reveals the typical setup of front disks and rear drums, though again these ones looked a bit lower quality than some of the ones he remembered seeing yesterday, though the suspension looked absolutely fine. A quick peek through the window reveals that, whilst it is a 4 seater, it is just 2+2, workable but not exactly the best, especially if he has a full car and has to put his own seat forwards for passengers, and he could have sworn that he could see some loose questionable spots on various interior parts. Regardless, he went up to the desk and shortly after was given the keys to a Shiva parked outside. He didn’t waste much time standing around, hopping in and firing the engine up, despite being an inline 4 it wasn’t as smooth as some of the other cars he’d driven, though it was still plenty for a nice experience, not too loud either which was a bonus. He popped it into gear then set off into morning city traffic, the slightly tighter ratio 5 speed made city driving relatively easy and the good quality electric power steering again made any kind of steering an easy experience. Not long after they finally left the city and headed onto the back roads, opening the car up he couldn’t help but be disappointed, despite the looks and the engine this car just doesn’t shift as quick as it should, it wasn’t slow compared to what he’s driven but it wasn’t the quickest either. Around the corners it was, once again, above average but not as good as it feels like it should be, it handles slow and fast corners very consistently which made for a nice drive but it again suffered understeer worse than some of the hatchbacks he’d already driven which was a bit annoying and stopped the car feeling as sporty as it could. The ride was alright, not the most comfortable but not exactly ass-blastingly terrible, though the interior quality was absolute shit. It was a very basic arrangement but they somehow made it feel even cheaper than it must have been, stitching coming apart, seats with less padding than a deck chair, hell he could have sworn the radio was about to drop out the centre console sometimes! The brake test was also interesting, standing on the pedal as hard as he could resulted in… Nothing? Nope, the brakes aren’t good enough to lock the tyres under good road conditions! It stopped in a good distance but he couldn’t help but think how much of those grindy noises were down to those low quality components. Well, at least it’s nice to have for those times where you don’t have optimum grip. Rolling back around to the dealership he handed the keys over and strolled off, this was a hard decision to make, he’ll keep it on his shortlist for now but it might be easily shifted off.

Puffster - ABR Coyote RC 1500T

Next up was the ABR dealership, right in the front window was what must be the Coyote. He saunters through the doors and up to the car to take a closer look, the styling is about the same as he thought in the brochure, though he realised that wasn’t a mis-print, the car really doesn’t have any door handles, oh dear oh dear. The Coyote was wearing some skinny 140/70R16’s up front and some thiccccc 210/45R16’s at the back, with the brakes following a similar slightly hilarious trend, tiny drums up front and some big disks in the rear that looked about alright. The suspension was interesting too, with double wishbones at the front and MacPherson struts at the rear. A peek in through the window revealed 4 full size seats and not even a blanking plate where the radio would be expected to go, there just wasn’t anywhere for it to go, at all, odd. He stepped up to the desk and a few minutes later found himself outside with a key and his own to have limited fun with, and luckily the door was already open. He jumped in and fired up the engine, and fuck did he know it, this thing was loud, easily the loudest thing he’d driven by far. He slipped it into gear and went to pull into the traffic to head out the city, this was another car that suffered in slow traffic thanks to that gearbox, more clutch slipping than one would be comfortable with but at the end of the day this isn’t really a city car. A short while after and the city was behind him, he slowed right down to a crawl and buried his foot in the carpet. Nothing nothing nothing what’s that whistling I-WHOA ALRIGHT THAT@S A WALL OF TORQUE. Oh yes, what’s more fun to drive than a turbo that spools at 3000rpm, and gains about 9psi in the space of 600rpm. This thing is an absolute joy to drive in a straight line, that turbo spool kicks you back into the seats and holds you there just long enough for the power to hit it’s peak, then bang next gear more torque. It wasn’t slow in the corners either, easily being the quickest thing he’d driven so far by a damn good margin, though it did suffer from understeer, beats oversteer but at the very limit the front end does some odd things. Every time a straight opened up the car was hooned like it was stole, shifting later and later each time until CRUNCH, had it overrevved? No, it definitely bounced off the limiter. Either way, it was limp mode all the way back to the dealer, as it turns out ABR cheaped out on their pistons and didn’t account for it, too many redlines and you’ll throw a conrod or fuck a piston. Well, it wasn’t a buyer anyway but that sealed it’s fate.

Mikonp7 - BurgerFahrzeug MeinMein

Oh yes, now to the very German named BurgerFahrzeug to drive another rear engine sports car, but surely the Germans could do it better, after all they’re the ones with all the experience. The dealership was a little less spectacular thanks to the more subtle brown, but the car was still on show front and centre. A few seconds later he was already inside having a good look around the machine, the only difference he noticed seeing the car in person was that adorable little lip, at least they tried. This particular RR beast had a more toned down tyre layout, 130/85R14’s up front and 160/70R14’s at the rear with drums both front and rear, humm harr. A quick peek in through the window revealed 5 proper sized seats crammed into this tiny little thing. A few minutes again and he was sat inside the brown machine with a key in his hand, wasting no time in starting it up and good fucking god that’s loud holy shit. Is the engine in the back seat? Does the exhaust exit either side the fucking headrest? This is by far the loudest thing he’s driven or been in for that matter, that V6 is trying to rape his ears with each fucking rotation and it’s doing a damn good job. In gear it went and off he went, instantly realising this also suffers from a case of long boi first, idles just quicker than traffic crawls so you gotta slip the clutch and if you rev that V6 all the way you’ll hit 51mph before you’re bouncing off the limiter. Not long after his hearing finally went the city was out the way and he could give the MeinMein the reic-uh- give it the beans! Turns out it doesn’t really like the beans, that shouty V6 is a proper chav motor, it’s all yell and no go, it feels slightly quicker than average in a straight line but in the corners those thin tyres really kick it in the dick, making it feel pretty un-spectacular despite the exhaust note that makes you feel like you’re going quick. It’s a bit of a shame, it’s nice in the corners, much less understeer-y than any of the cars he’s driven so far, even a bit of exciting oversteer at lower speeds before the fronts give up entirely. He rolls on back to the dealership without bothering to test the brakes, shutting the engine off and coasting for a bit to let his ears recover from their brutal sodomizing. He handed the keys back and went on his way once more, a fun drive but god it needs more power and an exhaust not made of rusty tin cans.

Ramthecowy - Xin-yundongyuan

Next up was a very small dealership with a name that he didn’t even want to attempt to pronounce, the Chinese Xin-youngdongjhuan or something like that, one on show right in the front window. Getting inside and up close doesn’t change his opinion on the looks, god it’s just far too Chinese to not be a joke, right? He assured himself that he was, in fact, not racist, as he went and looked the tyres over, some very schporty looking 150/60R16’s up front and not thiccest 190/50R16’s at the rear, again with drums up front and disks in back, but some very small ones at that. A peek through the window revealed the weirdest seating setup he’d seen yet, a single 3 seat row like you’d find in a van. He chucked and wandered off to the desk before being once again sat inside the beast, trying to work around a dash that feels straight out of a base model van with how cheap and weirdly positioned everything is. The engine came to life with a small sounding but not too loud V8 note, but it was another one of those cars where the gearbox isn’t as great as it seems, taking a few goes to get it into first before rolling away into traffic. This was a much nicer car than the last to drive in traffic, can crawl properly and the gears aren’t too long, it’s alright. Before long the city was gone and the foot was in the carpet, that V8 starting to make a lovely noise as the revs climb, bashing through the gears is satisfying when they eventually come and if you can get into them, but it all goes a bit eh on the corners, again it’s above average but doesn’t feel like it could out-run the other cars like it feels and looks like it should, but it was another car that was fun to drive, oversteer-y to start with but then it falls off into understeer when you’re pushing too hard. It’s another one that also avoids the brake test in favour of being taken back to the dealer a little quicker, a fun car to drive though again the engine feels like it should be much quicker than it is, and also that seating arrangement needs to go ASAP. He handed the keys in and set off once more, he’d had his fun, 3 cars in a row of fun, what next?

Thecarlover - NCP Versatile Sport

As the NCP dealer came into view down the street he knew what he was in for, the very green Versatile Sport. Lo and behold, one right in perfect view was that exact shade of green. It was almost inviting, he noticed, as he got up close, the styling holding up well going from picture to reality. It was running on some relatively skinny 145/95R14’s on each corner, hiding behind those nice rims were drums front and rear, though they were a bit smaller than you’d expect to see on a car this big but everything looked relatively solid underneath, though the springs could be a bit questionable. A peek through the window revealed a sensible seating layout, 5 seats thanks to 3 in the back and the definitive shape of a radio with a CD player in the dash. A few minutes later and more paperwork which he was now sick of filling out and he was finally inside the green beast. The key wasted no time in firing the engine right up, and boi was it a nice motor, felt like the smoothest running he’d driven today apart from the Xinyangadangadingdongmobile’s V8, and it wasn’t too loud either. Nicely enough the Versatile Sport slipped into first with no issues, slipping into traffic and keeping up with ease thanks to the nicely set-up 4 speed. The lack of power steering was noticeable with all the weight over the front wheels though NCP seem to have put some time into the steering, it felt nice and responsive with barely any slop. Out the city and foot down it’s about what you’d expect from something this big but not what you’d expect from a ‘sport’ model, getting up to 62 felt like effort and was definitely up there with the slower cars of the past two days, and the corners weren’t much of a better story. Safety understeer before you even start really pushing things, it’s a big 'un and fucking hell does it handle like it looks, the more odd thing here is the tiny amount of body roll going on, it feels too planted for how it turns. Despite it being a big car with a nice CD player, it’s one of the least comfortable ‘sensible’ cars he’s been in yet, slightly baffling though it had been a bit of a confusing ride. Last up was the brake test, standing on the pedal as hard as he could from 60 caused the back tyres to lock up shortly, granted it was pushing the brakes to their very limit but it could make for some hairy situations in low grip. It was a gentle short ride back around to the dealer where he handed the keys back in and went off once more, though not before having a quick look under the front end. As much as he wanted to like the Versatile Sport, it just wasn’t sporty, nor even average on comfort, nor huge on carrying capacity. Oh, and it also had no front sway bar, that’s right, maybe it was saving costs, maybe it was a desperate attempt to kerb understeer, who knows.

Koolkei - Komodo Kerang

Next stop - Komodo, a bigger than most dealership on a little more popular street showing off their success, and a bright blue Kerang in the front window there to entice people in, and fuck if he wasn’t a sucker for being enticed. Up close and in person the Kerang looked a bit better from the front and a little worse from the back, aggressive one end but slightly sad at the arse, like a lass who had a nice ass but then let it sag with age and now it’s just a sorry sight and you wonder if she broke any Geneva convention rules by letting that happen. Anyway taking a quick look at the tyres reveals them to be 160/70R15’s, one on each corner, it’s also got the standard disks up front drums out back, with a slightly less standard bigger drums than disks setup, odd but there must be method to the madness. A peek through the windows reveals a proper 4 seats with a nice and simple radio/cassette deck in the centre console. Some more paperwork and signing his life away to at least seventy bajillion companies later, and he was sat inside the bright blue Kerang in the parking lot with the key already waiting in the ignition, excitement causing 0 delay in starting it up, a nice smooth idle and the not-deafening racket of an inline 4 graced the cabin. Into first it went and it was off into the traffic, this turned out to be another one of those cars that copes alright in traffic though not the best, there’s a few times you’ve got to slip the clutch, and first gear is a bit long but it’s far from a bad experience, the electric power steering making the car feel light and dainty. Out the city it was time to open the Kerang up and see if it could live up to the styling, and thankfully it could! The power from that inline 4 is well put to use and makes this thing feel like by far the fastest ‘sensible’ car he’d looked at today however it fell apart ever so slightly in the corners, staying nice and neutral before tailing off towards understeer when the fronts decide to give up their effort, it’s quick, but some of those hatchbacks could give it a run for it’s money through the corners. It’s not exactly the most comfortable car to be in either, sadly, despite the nicely put together interior and well tuned suspension it falls behind some of the other cars he’s driven, though it’s still by no means a terribly uncomfortable car. One quick brake test on the way back has the ABS doing it’s best under very heavy pressure to keep both ends from locking up, making it a very nice feature to have as standard. As he rolled the car back into the dealer and handed the keys back, he glanced over at the car before leaving for the next place. This was definitely going to be a good contender, of course it was on his shortlist.

Granted all goes well I’ll have the rest of the cars done and reviewed, with the results out by tomorrow night, aiming for late afternoon but plans don’t always work out bare with me pls thx <3


Sorry but I have to say this. This last stage of reviews feels quite off from the original enquiry of “I have x amount of budget, what kind of options do I have?”

It feels like every car is judged by how good it is at being a usable daily sport car rather than at what it’s supposed to be.

Understeer on a van? I get what you mean but you don’t drive a van that fast regularly do you? If you do, I don’t think a van is for you


The original plan with bringing in covering how the car handles and it’s understeer and speed was to get another comparison between all the cars, and also as a way for the “Sport” models to be judged on something the name suggests. I’ll clarify it here because yeah it’s not that clear apologies there, but he doesn’t care much if the car understeers, though one with less of it is getting a small bonus, it’s only more relevant to cars claiming to be sport models without the sport handling or other characteristics and even then it’s still not much. Again, he’s not completely fussed about having a stupidly quick car but one that’s faster than average obviously has a small benefit over one that’s slower than average.

They’re lightly weighted stats but weighted stats nonetheless, admittedly I should have maybe cleared this up a bit more in the OP but it’s a bit too late for that now. Though it’s still easy to offset something like a slower car with other stats like it being more comfortable or easier to drive or something.