Douche Rating: 1/10 for the try-hard styling. In this colour, gains a bonus point because it’s loud and eccentric (and hard to sell). Loses points for being rather sedate in the performance department, having an ECO button to smooth throttle response even further, and having magic folding rear seats is a dead giveaway it was geared towards versatility, not hooning. Quite a far cry from its sporty uncles of prior generations.
2004 Seat Arosa
Douche rating: 2/10. For the most part, people who own these cars have them because they’re great little runabouts, are affordable and most have lived decent lives (hence second hand ones tend to be reliable and problem-free). They’re brilliantly underpowered, completely underequiped and have plenty of character.
But, while most owners will be fine, there are a minority who have trashed these poor little city cars by slamming them, modifying them and generally ruining them (just Google “Seat Arosa Slammed” and feel the cringe). They often stick on big exhaust mufflers, tacky wheels and usually debadge them as well; poor taste that is reflected in their erratic and boisterous driving style. Hence, it gets a 2/10, mainly because that minority are on the proliferate side and treat these great little cars poorly…in my opinion, at least!
Re: The Douche Meter - #2 by strop
True, I literally cannot find a single photo of a modded 9th gen Civic. At 1330kg and a severely outdated SOHC VTEC without the VTEC kicking in, there’s nothing in it for the dou- enthusiast.
^except for it being SHLAMMED, and DAT WHEEEEELS. i actually like the car and the color. and i think has the potential to actually be a rather good car when modified… CORRECTLY.
Chery QQ
0/10: it’s nearly impossible to be a douche at al in this car. low power, bad safety, a knockoff from another car that is not exactly good. forget being a douche in this car. what kind’s of douche would even own this car.
Now that we’ve kicked off, let’s mix it up a bit so we don’t spend the next several days on debating how prone various cheap runabouts are to being modded in wildly inappropriate ways (still can’t find any modded 9th gen Civic Hatches, btw.)
Disregarding the fact this particular example was tuned by MKB, I’m giving this a solid 9. Expensive, luxury hot sports coupe that guzzles fuel and is generally owned by people who a) can afford a Mercedes b) buy Mercedes. It’s a high-end Mercedes. I know a lot of douches who own Mercedes, which either makes me biased, or it gives me solid evidence.
if you’re talking about attitude and general driving styles. then i do agree. but maybe not 9. it’s just rather an uncommon car anyway, and to find one modified is even rarer.
edit: okay. i’ll give it a 6.5/10
i think it has to be a common car, and easily modifiable to get more than 7 from me.
Douche level 10/10, you cannot drive this vehicle without attracting attention towards yourself and you take up 3 1/4 of the road most of the time, you only buy these if you want attention directed towards you. They are just obnoxiously big and I could not think of a vehicle that is douchey straight off of the production line
Disclaimer: This is my dads Hummer and he really likes it because of the presence on the road, yes ladies and gentlemen my dad is a bit of a douche
Disclaimer 2: my dad is actually a decent person who happens to like the Hummer H2
Re: The Douche Meter - #7 by koolkei @koolkei Interesting argument. But what about those cars that people buy because of their exclusivity? Is there not a bit of douchiness in that? Or is that something else, like being an afficionado, or being an enthusiast?
Ding ding ding we have a winner! H3 definitely gets 10 from me too for the following reasons:
Averages like 1mpg
Why park properly when you can park WHEREVER THE HELL YOU WANT
It’s a Hummer made Glamorous for Thug Life rapper videos where you like to throw you cash around the back seat.
Most popular form of stretch limo these days hired generally by the ultra douchiest of douchebag rich frat kids for their ultra douchey frat parties. How do I know how douchey these get? Because I lived on a college populated by super rich kids for a while (my education was free but the rent was exorbitant, and some of those kids got more pocket money in a week than my dad earnt in a year). I partook in some of those parties (I am not proud of this), but even I stopped short of the goddamn stretch Hummer.
I respectfully disagree with that, though I definitely give it douche points for a) being a VW b) being a hot hatch. That is to say, you can drive either and not gain any douche points, but by their powers combined…
That said I’d only give it a 4/10. Why? Because it still seeks to combine various compromises into a sporty package. The Golf, specifically, was the first model of the mould to succesfully popularise the sector.
That said, from Mk.III onwards, a definite sheen of increasing douche from its increasingly rampant fan base can be observed. It may be for this lot that poor TDi drivers who got hoodwinked by VW’s blatant lie campaign are so maligned.
If I give the GTi only 4/10, the R rates an easy 7, which may seem disproportionate considering I wouldn’t give a lot of dedicated sports cars a 7, but hey, this is a hot version of a hot version of a hatch. The douche factor exponentially rises.
I’ll let others score for now, but let’s take a selection from the Top Gear website’s list of 10 most powerful:
Renault Megane Renaultsport Trophy-R
Vauxhall Astra VXR
Seat Leon Cupra
Audi S3
Volkswagen Golf R
Honda Civic Type R
BMW M135i
Ford Focus RS
Audi RS3
Mercedes-AMG A45
Nissan Qashqai
Douche Rating: 6/10. I maintain that there are owners of these cars that are completely fine, but some drive around like absolutle idiots. I’m fairly sure I will offend some people here, but I’ve never seen a car that is driven so badly so regularly. I’ve been tailgated by these things, I’ve seen them speeding, plenty don’t use indicators and many don’t have any concept of spacial awareness.
And at the end of the day, this is a hatchback on stilts made to do school runs. What in that description gives anyone the authority to not obey basic road manners and requirements?
Douches only make up half the shitty drivers in the world. The rest drive Nissans.
Speaking of which, the most douche thing I have seen in months was a Nissan Primera Diesel with a broken exhaust and some snapback wearing asshat driving from the backseat and blasting terrible german rap. And yes he also drove like he was trying to evade the police (he probably WAS trying to evade the police).
That’s interesting, because Nissan drivers over here are a mixed bunch (as are Nissan’s cars), sure. I get irritated by the occasional Qashqai and Juke, but I rarely have trouble with the likes of the far more common Micra. Go into the right/wrong area and you’ll come across the wannabe boy racer Pulsar club. Then the douche meter climbs rapidly.
Or, try taking the freeway home late at night and almost get cleaned out by the local JDM hoon event, which will almost invariably involve a Skyline (R32-34), an Evo (any generation except X), and/or an S14. Two of which are Nissans
