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The Kinda Grand Tour [FINALE]



Brian’s notes for this leg:

En route to the next waypoint, we checked our maps and discovered two points of interest which may be worth visiting. In Eureka, we will visit the Sequoia Park Zoo. Further south, we could then stop at Westport-Union Landing State Beach off Highway 1. Taking a breather at either of these locations could turn out to be helpful in the long term… In fact, going to the zoo seems quite fitting considering that we already visited the Oregon Coast Aquarium.

As for the drive, except for the dense traffic, it’s just another Sunday afternoon drive along US 101, with nothing untoward for us to report. We are still as confident as ever of reaching the next waypoint.


----Saturday 12-2pm----

After grabbing their lunch, team Mr Hankey launched out of the McDonalds car park. Bill hadn’t put his seat belt on, and was thus almost launched out of Mr Hankey.
Toni: I told you that we were going to get a move on.
Wookiee: Ha!
Toni: You too, country boy. I never used the brakes in the demolition derby, so find yourself a “Jesus Handle”.
Bill: A what?
Wookiee (turns to Bill in the back seat): A “Jesus Handle”. For slightly scary parts of the ride. I’ve seen Toni drive, I suggest you listen. I’m just hoping this thing came with an “OH FUCK! bar”.
Toni passed a turning car down the right hand side, effectively cutting the other driver off.

The brown bomber had been rolling along on the end of a line of traffic for about 5 minutes when they saw a pair of guys arguing on the side of the road. Bill wound his window down in the hopes of hearing what was going on. All he could make out was something about “airtime off the kerb”. Whatever had happened, it wasn’t too long ago, because only one other driver had stopped to take photos with their phone.

Saturday 2-4
Bill: Was that the corolla?
Wookiee: Did it look like it? Not many other cars with those rims running around this part of the world.
Toni: Of course it was and although it means we won’t get to chase them further down the highway, it does mean one less challenger. Which brings us one step closer to victory.
Bill: I thought we were here for the fun.
Toni: Do you call being stuck behind a bunch of slow moving yank-tanks fun? We need to move.
Toni pushed the pedal and the tacho climbed to 3000 as she made a run for the space 3 cars ahead, barely missing tail to tail contact with the car in the opposite lane as she pulled out, then slowed back to 80.4672 km/h. (stupid miles, WHY?! just go metric already.)
“Tack-tack-tack-tack-tack-tack-tack” said Mr Hankey… for the 8th hour straight.

Toni: turned into the parking area of Courthouse Union in Eureka, one of those NAPA parts places.
Bill: Why have we stopped, they don’t have petrol here. There’s a 76 a few hundred metres down the road!
Toni: I know that, stooge, but I need to find something. There’s this stuff… oil additive that is supposed to reduce lifter noise. It won’t fix it, but it’ll shut this bastard up.
Wookiee: OI!
Toni: Not you, stupid. This car.
Bill: Thank the Lord for that. I’m sick of this happy-pop shit on the radio. You guys won’t let me put any music on.
Wookiee: For the umpteenth time, ITS AN 8 TRACK PLAYER!
Bill flings the cartridge at Wookiee, who catches it and looks at the label. His expression says it all…

(I think the noise is getting to the team.)



Sitrep: The team finds themselves stuck in heavy traffic. The only consolation is the radio playing.

Marc: My God! Don’t any of you idiots know how to use a gas pedal? The rules are simple. When you morons follow them the way they were meant to be followed, TRAFFIC FLOWS SMOOTHLY!!!

Blake: Calm down, we’re not the only ones stuck in traffic you know.

Marc: Damn California, that’s what it is. The state’s good for absolutely nothing!

Luigi: Stop blaming your life problems on California. California didn’t make you impotent.

Marc: For the last time, I do not have ED!

Blake: I sincerely doubt it’ll be the last time that’s brought up.

Luigi: That’s why your wife is always disappointed.

Marc: At least I didn’t give my wife my phone number in braille!

Blake: Braille?

Marc: That’s the only explanation as to how she married his ugly ass!

Luigi: I’m the most handsome man you’ve ever seen.

Marc: Oh really? Well let me tell you, every time they give you the camera when doing group photos, it’s not because of your skill with the thing.

Luigi: At least I give it to my wife every night!

Marc: Yeah, should I tell her that you’ve had the clap so many times it should be called applause?

Blake: Gross, we shared a water bottle!

Luigi: A: I’ve never had the clap, and B: You can’t get it that way.

Marc: Not unless you two have been doing something together that I don’t know about!

Blake: Not a chance!

Marc: Hey, it’s the 21st century, not my place to judge.

Luigi: Oh, this will not be over.

Marc: Good, it pains me to see breakups.

Blake: (sigh)

The team makes its way to Eureka, CA where they stop for fuel.

Blake: Those guys look like they’re heading towards us.

Marc: Great, they look like hipsters.

Luigi: That’s about 98% of this state.

Troublemaker 1: Hey, what are you doing driving that gas-guzzler?

Troublemaker 2: Don’t you know how much damage that does to the environment?

Troublemaker 3: What’s it like being a murderer of this planet?

Marc: I have no idea what being a murderer feels like. Do you?

Luigi: Nope.

Marc: How about you?

Blake: No idea.

Marc: Neither do I. (pulls gun out of jacket) How about we find out?

(The troublemakers run off screaming)

Blake: You are terrible.

Marc: They won’t press charges.

Luigi: You seem awfully sure of that.

Marc: Their pupils were heavily dilated. They were all stoned off their asses. They call the police, they’ll have to explain that little detail as well.

Blake: Lets get a move on.


Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Saturday, 4pm - 6pm

Weather Conditions: 73 degrees. Mostly sunny. Traffic on the highway is starting to slowly taper off.

All vehicles are on US101 South.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Any POI you can find/message me about between Eureka, CA and San Luis Obispo, CA (bear in mind timing - It’s getting on toward evening, and various teams have fatigue setting in)

Overnight sleep: Unless you PM me to specify otherwise, you will overnight at a random hotel in San Francisco, and will sleep 6 hours, with an additional hour of prep/packing. If you wish to use a different hotel and/or specify a different amount of time to sleep, PM me details. If you wish to camp, let me know where. Specify sleep time, and don’t forget I will add on an hour of packing to the end.

Next Waypoint(s): Humboldt Botanical Garden, Eureka, CA, Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, CA, Half Moon Bay State Beach, Half Moon Bay, CA.

TBDC: 49 mi OD: 880 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Humboldt Botanical Gardens. Team has refueled in Eureka, and spent 1 hour resting and getting dinner at the Sea Grill in Eureka.

TBDC: 114 mi OD: 1045 mi MRL: -3 FTG: +6 Notes: Team nearly collided with an oncoming vehicle. TEAM SEVERELY FATIGUED.

TBDC: 118 mi OD: 849 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +4 Notes: Waypoint completed: Humboldt Botanical Garden. Team is starting to get fatigued. Team will start the next time period fueling up in Eureka.

TBDC: 119 mi OD: 992 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +3 Notes: Waypoint Completed: None

TBDC: 54 mi OD: 848 mi MRL: -5 FTG: +6 Notes: Waypoint completed: Humboldt Botanical Gardens. FAILURE: Car has been misfiring badly for about 20 miles. Failed completely shortly after the waypoint, but had to be pushed to a parking lot. Diagnosis: Distributor failure. None in spares. NAPA can priority overnight a new one for a fee. Until 8 am tomorrow, you’re down and out. You are going to be presumed as staying in a hotel in Eureka.

TBDC: 113 mi OD: 984 mi MRL: -1 FTG: +6 Notes: Refueled in Garberville, CA. Team is fatigued.

TBDC: 124 mi OD: 972 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: None

TBDC: 50 mi OD: 881 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Humbold Botanical Garden. Team has stopped for 1 hour at Rosina Vineyard. Team is starting to feel fatigued.

TBDC: 124 mi OD: 989 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +4 Notes: Team is feeling fatigued.

TBDC: 55 mi OD: 949 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Team has stopped for an hour’s rest at Humboldt Redwoods State Park.

@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 106 mi OD: 935 mi MRL: + FTG: +5 Notes: Waypoint completed: Humboldt Botanical Gardens

TBDC: 58 mi OD: 812 mi MRL: +3 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypont completed: Humboldt Botanical Gardens. Team has stopped at Sequoia Park Zoo for 30 minutes. Team has refueled in Eureka.

TBDC: 122 mi OD: 987 mi MRL: -1 FTG: +6 Notes: Waypoint completed: Team is feeling fatigued.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 53 mi OD: 938 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Team has stopped for the night in Redwood Valley, CA, at a hotel.

TBDC: 45 mi OD: 791 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Team has stopped for 1 hour’s rest at Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 117 mi OD: 1058 mi MRL: -1 FTG: +6 Notes: Team is feeling fatigued.

TBDC: 102 mi OD: 910 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +6 Notes: Waypoint completed: Humboldt Botanical Garden. Team has refueled in Eureka. Team is feeling fatigued.

The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:


Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

(Will RP later… it’s bedtime!)


##Team Twin-Snail

Previous Stage

The midnight-purple Minerva hurtled along the highway, closing the distance between Twin Snail and Routed. As they got within a mile of one another, Luke flipped the switches and let them have it with the train horn right as they were turning off to rest at the state park.

“Damn, Luke, you scared them right off the road!” Scott yelled.

“No, more likely than not, they were heading to take a rest stop.” Luke said. “And we should consider something, at least.”

“I could do with some food. Know any restaurants?” Linda asked.

“If we were in Nevada, I’d suggest a few, but I’ve not been in California before.” Luke replied.

A handful of miles later, Twin Snail had caught up with team BAGS after they’d left the Zoo. Luke blared the horns as they passed, having all the subtlety of a big diesel train. Luke kept the pedal to the metal, engine snarling all the way down the highway as they continued on their fast and aggressive journey.

“Hell, I could even handle stopping for a McDonalds or something.” Scott said. “But we need food. And to not be sitting in this car for another two hours.”

“Agreed. A quick break while we eat some food, then make it to a hotel or something. That way Linda doesn’t rack up $1,500 in room service again.” Amy said.

“Wasn’t my fault. How was I to know that every time I grabbed something out of the fridge, even if I put it back, it charged me multiple times for it?”

“Linda, really? It’s a hotel, if they’re going to do something sleazy, expect it.” Scott said.

As they were nearing the end of their two hour segment, Luke saw the green car of Green Turd Racing being pushed to a parking lot, and responded by blaring the train horns as they passed.


Car Condition: Running fine.
Team Condition: A little tired and a bit hungry.

MRL: +18 (+1) Train-horned 3 teams on this leg.
FTG: +7 (+4) Hungry, starting to get tired, and we’ve been in this car all freaking day.


Team ‘Routed…

Original Post | Previous Post

The highway was packed with traffic. It turned all the lovely sweeping corners and cresting hills into a virtual parking lot. Huge lumbering steel beasts clogged the roadways. It almost reminded Sam of Sydney's own horrible gridlock. Save for the near monster truck sized utes and city bus-sized RVs to well...anyone but an American.

It made him rather glad he wasn’t behind the wheel for a change. Instead, poor Dan was trapped in an unenviable position of the driver. Thank god it was an automatic here! Mitch was still out cold. Enjoying the luxuries of a vehicle with opulent rear legroom.

But something caught Sam’s eye.

He was wasting time with the usual thing on his phone, Discord, Reddit, Instagram. But he was also keeping tabs on the other teams. While it was clear now a number of teams had fallen out already. Including that little Toyota that Dan was praising for its durability…he sure knows how to pick them!

Well besides the teams that were out. It was only really a straight fight with Team Twin-Snail that they passed before. But it looked like with all this traffic than were catching up!

“Err…” Sam broke the silence of the cabin. The various tapes in the cabin having been long exhausted. Dan looked up from behind the wheel.

“What’s up?” He inquired.

“Well, we ought to get a move on!” Sam insisted. “That team behind us is really movin’!”

“How the bloody heck am I suppose to do that?” Dan snapped gesturing to the long line of traffic. “We’re barely crawling along and there is nowhere to overtake…”

“Whoa, whoa calm your tits mate,” Sam said putting his hands up. “I’m just saying it’s something we should know think about…soon”

“Yeah…” Dan let out a sigh. “Look I’ve been driving for hours now I think a break would be a better idea.”

“But…” Sam protested

“That have to be getting tired too y’know.” Dan said and added, “He’s not a machine…everyone gets tired.”

“I suppose…” Sam said stretching in his seat.

“We’ll catch them up next time they stop,” Dan suggested. “Now how about you find a cool spot for us to stop?”

“Yeah, alright then.” Sam dived back into his phone.

“There’s no point taking this ‘tour’ if we’re only going to see a line of traffic is there?” Remarked Dan.

“Oh, OH, this place looks awesome!” Sam nearly leapt out of his seat. It’s like right out all those films about the US." He added pushing the phone into Dan’s face.

“Yep…loooks great,” Dan replied with as much enthusiasm as he could muster. While brushing aside the phone.

“Look!” Sam jammed the phone back in his face. “It’s got those big Redwoods, log cabins…probably big foot and all that X-files stuff too!” Sam added with a beaming grin.

Dan rolled his eyes and replied deadpan “Really…”

The rest stop was now set and as the Maesima crawled along with the traffic.

Several hours later

The traffic had begun to scatter away. Peeling off at various parks, sightseeing, motels and holiday spot.
Finally, the team could open up the smooth six and eat up some highway miles.

By now there were getting close to the pit stop. Mitch had woken up earlier and been told about it. But he still seemed fairly sleepy and no one was sure he actually comprehended what was explained to him. Thanks to the plush seating it wasn’t long before he was back napping again.

So everyone thought it was best to leave him be and explain where we got there. Sam was wired into his earbuds. Listening to what sounded like the X-files theme or some sort of crazy podcast.

Dan was pretty weary now. The sky was shifting into the golden hour of twilight. He’d switched the headlights on and the dash was backlight rather nicely. The road was nearly all to himself now. Nothing behind and nothing ahead just pure joy. If only it was like this earlier. He lamented as the drowsiness dulled what would otherwise be a highlight of the drive.

But just then a pair of headlights appeared ahead of gleaming blue in the sunset.

They were closing fast.

Dan didn’t notice has he was looking at the map trying to remember where Sam said to turn off. It must be getting close. But he didn’t want to disturb Sam from his phone.

Just then a booming noise of a truck horn burst into the cabin right as Dan spotted the turn-off.

He nearly lost control as he was gripped the wheel so tight as he made the turn the tail stepped out. Sam jumped from his seat. Spun his head around to find the source of the noise. But only caught a glimpse of dark blue Minerva disappearing down the highway. Mitch sprung up from his slumber bewildered and screamed.

“Christ! What the bloody hell was that!” Mitch blurted out looking around for any sign of an accident.

“The Hell if I know!” Dan replied. Regaining control of the Maesima. As it rolled into the parking area of the Prairie Creek Redwoods State Park.

“Those Bastards!” Sam declared taking out his earbuds. “That was that team behind us…the Snail one” He added.

“Why are we stopping did something break?” Mitch asked still out of the loop.

“Nah, we’re taking a break at this awesome park,” Sam answered delighted. He then went on about how it was full of unsolved mysterious.

Dan and Mitch shared a moment of concern.

“Well, anyway,” Dan said finally pulling into space. “I definitely need a break after all that.”

Despite attempts to keep their spirits down the team pulled into the Park about the perfect time.The lighting was golden glow as the sun crept down the sky. The tall redwoods enveloped in a halo of sunshine. It made for some great shots so the team could remember the trip. Although Sam assured the rest of team he was close to finding evidence of a big mystery given a longer break.



Brian’s notes for this leg:

Playing it safe seems to pay dividends for us, especially with twilight approaching fast; many of the other teams are far ahead of us, but on the other hand, we suspect they are suffering from a considerable amount of fatigue. Stephanie heard a chilling rumor that one team had a close call, almost slamming into oncoming traffic, while another had a mechanical failure that, for some weird reason, was not terminal - although it will cost them a lot of time. On the other hand, taking a rest stop at the Sequoia Park Zoo helped calm our nerves down somewhat, and tied in nicely to our visit to the Oregon Coast Aquarium the previous day; Amy in particular loved the showcase of biodiversity at the zoo, but poignantly reminded herself that many of the species shown there would become extinct (at least in the wild) if current trends persist.


Team Mountain Pass

Saturday, day two, 2pm to 6pm

Team Bio

Nothingness. The endless void. Movement without progress. My warrior spirit has been shattered with the loss of my nemesis…

Here I sit, a statue that once was a man, motionless in a sea of movement, yet restlessly searching for that which will make me complete…

I am numbness, incapable of a single feeling, they elude me like tears in a rainstorm…

Oh why was I cursed to feel so deeply, competition is my blood, my sustenance and fate has cruelly deprived me of my prey…

So onwards must I press, onwards to nowhere and nowhen, until either time or the tides rise to claim my empty husk of a soul…

Pierre here!

It seems my buddy Andrew has slipped into a Zen state and is welded to the drivers seat! It’s been four hours since we passed the Corolla and Andrew has said nothing, drunk nothing, eaten nothing!!! But he’s in the zone which means we’re travelling well but everyone is rather tired of the Bogliq’s ever constricting cabin…

Distance travelled this session: 237 Miles
Distance travelled so far: 986 Miles
Morale: + 1 (+16 total) Pierre and Kyle are trapped in a blue voyage to a higher plane of awareness!!!
Fatigue: + 7 (+10 total) Everyone’s feeling the numbing effects of highway travel at high warp :grin:


#Team ‘Southend or Bust’
Original Post - Previous Post

The story so far: With the team now in Northern California, the drive is starting to get a little tedious, and Seb is beginning to feel tired…

Crossing over the border, there was a perk in mood in the car.
“My god” said Seb. “I have literally always wanted to come here”
“I know right” said Martin, keeping an eye on the map, “I mean this is basically ‘America’ for a lot of people”
“I’m still so hyped to see San Fran, and with any luck we’ll be there at a good time”
“Just so long as you don’t go on a bloody ‘Homeward Bound 2’ movie location tour” said James, stretching in the rear seat.
“How did you know I liked Homeward Bound?” replied Martin.
“You kept mentioning how much you loved it as a kid when you got drunk one time” he said.
“Ahh, Oh I remember that” said Seb, smiling. “You’d just been out clubbing with some course mates and had to come home early, and we helped you back to the flat”
Martin looked a little embarrassed, but laughed nonetheless. “No I remember that. Or at least I remember some of that”.


Still, it was getting tiring being on the road for so long. Happily however, James found the perfect place to stop.
“WINE” James blurted out all of a sudden.
“Wine?” said Seb.
“Yes, Wine. I forgot how much wine they make in Northern California. There’s a vineyard coming up, we are stopping and that’s an end of it”
A few miles later, the team pulled into the Rosina Vineyward in Redcrest, a little way from the Redwoods National Park.
Seb called Martin over after they got out of the car. “You do know he’s going to be here for fucking ages, right?” whispered Seb.
“Yeah, I’m aware” said Martin. “And I kinda want him to drive, but he’s never going to do that if we go wine tasting”
“We have to stop him wine tasting” said Seb.


“Why” said James, frustrated. “It’s not like we can just pop over here when we want”
“Because we don’t have enough time, and we need you to drive and not be tipsy” said Martin.
James sighed. “Alright. But we are going into the shop and the cafe for a rest, I think we call need it”


Sadly, that didn’t quite go to plan, and they ended up in the cellars with a wine expert talking about James’ favorite subject.
“Well the main wine we produce here is the Rosina Pinot Noir, 14 month aged red that tastes delightful” said the expert whilst looking at the barrels.
“14 months eh, that’s the standard time if I’m right for a Pinot Noir?” James said thoughtfully.
“Yeah, based on the French method and adapted for this part of California…” he continued.

Meanwhile, Seb and Martin snuck out of the cellar to find somewhere to sit.
“Why did we let him do this” said Seb.
“You were the one that turned off” retorted Martin.
“Hey, well…” Seb stopped. “Alright, but now is not the time for fighting. We have to get him to the shop and get out of here”.

A little while later and much persuading of James and the expert, they had made it to the shop.
“James, please just choose a bottle and be done with it” said Martin, sternly.
“Do you want a Rose? I’ll buy you one”
Maritn looked confused. “James I don’t even like wine”
“I was thinking for pre-drinks” James said, ignoring Martin’s desperation to get back on the road.
“James, what? You want to use your posh Californian wine for predrinks?”
“I’m just thinking about you man” he said.
Seb by this point was in the corner, leaning against the wall, hand on his face. He was done right now.
“Alright alright” said James at last, and he turned to the lady behind the till. “I’ll have these four bottles of the Pinot Noir and one of the Ed’s Red”.


At last, after an hour of satisfying James’ wine cravings, they were on the road again, and at last, James was behind the wheel again.
“We are never doing that ever again” said Seb.
“Oh come on, wine is so interesting!” said James.
“Just cause you’re a foodie and find fucking chicken thighs interesting” said Seb in return.
James pasued. “Well, I do actually”.
Seb gave up. Martin already had too.

Still, they were passing the famed Redwoods at last, which meant they were at least some of the way toward San Francisco…


Team Mr. Hankey

Saturday 4-6PM

There was some weird cosplay thing going on when the team pulled over in the park, they even had daytime fireworks. Mr Hankey was sounding very upset with the way Toni had been driving.
Toni: Piece of SHIT!
Wookiee: Calm down, woman. Yelling won’t make that lifter… whichever one it is… stop making noise. I only paid $470 for the whole car. You have to expect this to happen. Let’s just pull over here. Get some air.
Bill: No idea why, but I agree with dickhead. Plus, you can let the savage out, with any luck he might run off into the trees, shag bigfoot and forget to come back or something.
(Wookiee flipped him the bird)
Toni: OK. Alright. Maybe I’m getting excited. Tippety-FUCKIN’-TAPPETY!!!
They found a nice place to stop, and Bill grabbed the camera. He assumed there’d be something worth snapping, for posterity. Discussions were had, names were called, plans for the night were made.

(Toni and, of course, Wookiee very VERY excited to see this stuff).


Previous Post || Next Post

Team: Clutch Droppers

Day 2: 4:30-6pm

For the past hour or so the traffic has been very heavy, however as we get closer to San Francisco the traffic has begun to taper off.Cars have mostly been pulling off a various hotels, motels, and campgrounds as it is around dinner time and soon, bed time. As the road begins to open up, Jason puts his foot down and goes leap frogging around slower traffic, always look for a gap to squeeze the car into.

Bob: Glad I gave up the driver’s seat for that last stretch, that was soooo boring. Plus I was able to spend some quality time with this game on my phone.

Jason: Looks like the traffic is clearing, hopefully, it will be clear until San Fran.

Ryan: I thought we were stopping in Santa Rosa for dinner?

Jason: We wasted time fixing the car, we are going to push straight for San Francisco and stop there for dinner. Should only take us about an hour longer.

Bob: Can we visit Golden Gate Park while we are there? I am actually feeling pretty good still and would like to walk around a bit.

Jason: I guess so, we can also plan the next leg of our journey while we are stopped.

Ryan: Sounds like a plan.

Morale: +14 (It’s boring sitting in traffic, but at least we are making progress)
Fatigue: +4 (Getting on towards night, but very little fatigue!)


Team Greasy Lightning

After their last stint driving through the northern Redwood forests, Team Greasy Lightning was more than happy to stop for dinner. Their search came to an end at The Sea Grill, a somewhat swanky Steak and Seafood restaurant.

“Ooh! Dungeness crab fettucine,” Jen beamed. “I know what I’m getting!”

Rick was having less luck at being decisive. The menu was extensive, with numerous dishes that Rick had a fondness for. He sighed and made humming noises as the time to choose loomed; even Fuzz had made up his mind, and the server was on her way over. This forced Rick to choose in a rather unscientific method; closing his eyes and pointing to the menu.

“Hi, folks. What can I get for you this evening?” the server chirped with a smile.

“Dungeness crab fettucine and a glass of Riesling,” Jen replied.

“Soup or salad bar?”

“Salad bar.”

“Alright, and you, sir?” she directed her attention to Fuzz.

“Prime rib combo with the prawns. Medium rare. Salad bar and baked potato, please.”

“And what would you like to drink?”

“Do you have Lost Coast Alleycat Amber?”

“Yes sir!”

“Yeah, I’ll have one,” Fuzz grinned.

“You got it. And you, sir?”

“'Uhhh…” Rick stumbled, second guessing his random method.

The server laughed a little. “Still need a little time?”

“No, no. Uhhh… Oh, hell with it. I’m on vacation. Steak and lobster.”

“Alright, and your sides?”

“Salad bar and rice pilaf. Oh, and a Coke to drink.”

The server arched her eyebrows briefly.

“I’m driving,” Rick added.

“Gotcha. Alright, I’ll get these in for you. Help yourselves to the salad bar in the mean time!”

They got up at once and did just that. As Rick was piling various greens and vegetables on his plate, odd thoughts rushed to mind. A salad bar such as this would have been common in pretty much any restaurant just a generation ago, yet few had them nowadays. He couldn’t help but wonder why. After all, it was a great way for people to tailor their own side salad, without having to bother the kitchen staff to prepare something in a different way.

Team Greasy Lightning returned to their table. Conversation immediately went back to the race.

“So what’s the plan?” Fuzz asked.

“I was thinking we’d push through to Half Moon Bay tonight,” Rick replied. “We should be able to get there by 10. Start out early in the morning. And if we need to, go balls to the wall in the morning.”

“Well we’re screwed if Jen is driving then,” Fuzz quipped. This was poorly received; he yelped in pain as Jen brought her fist down on his vastus lateralis, nearly as hard as she could. “Okay! Okay! Sheesh, I was just kidding!”

Her smile showed bared teeth. “Hey Rick, when were we installing the roof rack again? I think Fuzz wants to try out his new seat.”

“Chill, you two. No killing each other until San Diego.”



(The Enforcer pulls out of the gas station ass end swinging around as Marc slams down the accelerator)

Marc: Hell yeah!

Blake: It would’ve been more impressive if you were pointing the right way.

Marc: What?

Luigi: The highway is that way you moron!

Marc: Oh shit! Hang on!

Marc: Flesh is burning na na na na na na! Flesh is burning na na na na na na! Flesh is burning na na na na na na! Flesh is burning na na na na na na!

Luigi: Are you going to keep that up the entire trip?

Marc: Sorry, some kids next door started this metal band. I’ve got their signature song stuck in my head.

Blake: Well if it gets stuck in mine I’m going to kill you.

(ring ring)

Luigi: Hello? Isabella? (The conversation continues in Italian, but proceeding through, Luigi shows a significant sign of relief)

Blake: What was that about?

Luigi: That was Isabella. The police gave Antonio a piss test, he tested negative for illicit substances. Apparently his friend Carlos was the one who had the heroin, he gave it to Tony to hold because he already has a record and didn’t want to be sent back to jail. His piss test was positive.

Marc: So Tony’s out?

Luigi: He gets out tomorrow, they’re gonna hold him for another night. Isabella was quite clear about not posting bail.

Marc: Well, at least he’s clean. Not to mention this should be a damn good lesson about who he’s hanging out with.

Luigi: That is a big load off my mind. Of course he’s still in big trouble for drinking, not to mention those guys were nothing but trouble. But I’m glad he’s okay and he’s not facing anything serious.

Blake: I’m glad for you.

(The team drives on with a considerably lighter mood)

Blake: (starting out muttering under his breath) Flesh is burning na na na na na na! Flesh is burning na na na na na na!

Luigi: Flesh is burning na na na na na na! Flesh is burning na na na na na na!

Marc: Flesh is burning na na na na na na! Flesh is burning na na na na na na!

(Most amusing how a song in your head can become contagious.)


Holy musculoskeletal anatomy, that’s awfully specific :joy: why not just ‘outer thigh’?


Because I’m a nerd. :smiley:

(besides, if “'vulcanized butthole” doesn’t get a reaction from people, I gotta do it SOMEHOW.)


Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Saturday, 6pm - 8pm

Weather Conditions: 72 degrees. Mostly sunny. Traffic on the highway is starting to slowly taper off.

All vehicles are on US101 South.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Any POI you can find/message me about between Garberville, CA and San Luis Obispo, CA (bear in mind timing - It’s getting on toward evening, and various teams have fatigue setting in)

Overnight sleep: Unless you PM me to specify otherwise, you will overnight at a random hotel in San Francisco, and will sleep 6 hours, with an additional hour of prep/packing. If you wish to use a different hotel and/or specify a different amount of time to sleep, PM me details. If you wish to camp, let me know where. Specify sleep time, and don’t forget I will add on an hour of packing to the end.

Next Waypoint(s): Golden Gate Park, San Francisco, CA, Half Moon Bay State Beach, Half Moon Bay, CA.

TBDC: 113 mi OD: 993 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +3 Notes: Team is starting to feel fatigued.

TBDC: 7 mi OD: 1052 mi MRL: +1 FTG: -3 Notes: After their near miss last time period, team has stopped for rest at the Hyatt Vineyard Creek in Santa Rosa, CA.

TBDC: 98 mi OD: 947 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +3 Notes: Team has refueled and gotten fast food in Eureka.

TBDC: 112 mi OD: 1104 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +4 Notes: Team is starting to feel fatigued.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 848 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -3 Notes: Team asleep at a hotel in Eureka, CA.

TBDC: 87 mi OD: 1071 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Team has checked in to the Motel 6 in Petaluma, CA.

TBDC: 116 mi OD: 1088 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +3 Notes: Team is starting to feel fatigued.

TBDC: 112 mi OD: 993 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: Team is starting to feel fatigued.

TBDC: 119 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +5 Notes: Waypoint completed: Golden Gate Park. Team has stopped overnight at Great Highway Inn, near the park.

TBDC: 113 mi OD: 1062 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: Team is starting to feel fatigued.

@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 101 mi OD: 1036 mi MRL: -2 FTG: +7 Notes: TEAM IS FEELING VERY FATIGUED.

TBDC: 85 mi OD: 955 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Team is taking an alternate route and is on CA-1. Team has stopped for 1/2 hour rest at Westport-Union Landing State Beach.

TBDC: 120 mi OD: 1107 mi MRL: -8 FTG: +5 Notes: Waypoint completed: Golden Gate Park. Sort of. CRITICAL FAILURE: Due to fatigue, driver made a miscalculation while entering the park, jumped the curb, and hit the undercarriage on something. The unibody is too warped for the car to move more than a few feet. Overall morale at end: +5 (Fair)

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 938 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -4 Notes: Team is sleeping at a hotel in Redwood Valley, CA.

TBDC: 91 mi OD: 882 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Humboldt Botanical Garden. Team has refueled in Eureka, CA.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 50 mi OD: 1118 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Golden Gate Park. Team has stopped for the night at Great Highway Inn, near the park.

TBDC: 103 mi OD: 910 mi MRL: -2 FTG: +8 Notes: TEAM IS VERY FATIGUED.

The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:

Bogliq, Gamma (1108 mi, at the same hotel)

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

Nutshell tonight: All 3 team members are floored by the even bigger Redwoods along this area, which is very close to Avenue of the Giants.


FYI, this should have been the 6pm - 8pm time slot. Freaked me out for a moment until I double checked.

Previous Post || Next Post

Team: Clutch Droppers

Day 2: 6-8pm

Bob: Looks like another hour until we hit San Francisco proper, definitely ready for a food stop.

Jason: I was just looking up food… there is a place called The America Grilled Cheese Kitchen!!.. ah come on… it closes at 5pm on the weekend???

Ryan: I guess they don’t like making money.

Bob: Anything going to be open? I am starving.

Jason: Looks like a lot of Chinese places… uhhh… still looking… Big Chef Tom’s Belly Burgers closes at 9pm… I don’t know if we will make that… god is anything open in a major city at night???

Bob: I mean, we can always resort to Taco Bell or something… I kinda wanted to splurge a bit on different food since we are clear out west. I can get the nationwide chain foods anywhere in the midwest.

Ryan: Pulls out phone and starts searching as well Ok, looks like there are a lot of places around Golden Gate Park that are open late, because they are almost all bars. There is a place closer to the highway that looks interesting, but the entree changes every night… hmmm… man, some of this sounds amazing, as long as it’s not shrimp night we should check this place out. I am going to call them.

A few moments later Ryan is talking to someone on the phone, asking what the entree is tonight. From the sound of his voice, it must be shrimp night. Ew.

Ryan: It’s shrimp night… sigh

Jason: The Taco Shop looks pretty good, plus they have beer for you guys.

Bob: Sounds great, I am so hungry I could almost eat seafood.

We decide we will swing by Golden Gate Park just before the sun sets, so we can get a few pictures and enjoy the amazing weather. Then we will walk a block over to The Taco Shop for dinner and discuss the remainder of the race.

Morale: +14 (Nothing exciting has happened)
Fatigue: +7 (Haven’t stopped in a while and it’s starting to get a bit late)


##Team Twin-Snail

Previous Stage

With the boldness of three passes in the previous leg behind them, it was readily apparent that things were needed. Specifically, the list was growing, but at the top was “Food” followed by “Fuel” followed by “Toilet” and lastly “Bed.”

Two of those could be solved rather easily, because Linda pointed out a gas station up ahead that had a McDonalds right next door that they could go to while Luke filled the Minerva’s gas tank and checked the car over.

Scott agreed, then commented, “Plus, the toilets in the average McDonalds are about a thousand-times better than gas-station crappers.”

Amy rolled her eyes, then told Luke, “Hey, next left turn, gas and food.”

Luke signaled and pulled the heavy car into the gas station, pulled up to a pump, and let everyone spill out of the car. He swiped his card, then filled the tank with premium, even though the Minerva only took regular normally. “Better safe than sorry.” he grumbled.

Meanwhile, Scott, Amy, and Linda ended up in a very short line in the McDonalds, and settled at a table to eat.

“Fuckin’ hell, Scott, did you even taste it?” Linda said, as Scott had already disappeared his fries and was now about halfway through a Big Mac.

“Of course. But I know Luke’s going to nearly kill us if we make him wait in this race.” Scott said.

Linda shrugged and went back to her quarter-pounder with cheese, while Amy finished the chicken nuggets and her fries. Soon after, it was bathroom breaks, then getting back over to the gas station.

Once they were back in the car, Luke floored it, trying to make up time as the traffic thinned.

“Well, at least we got something to eat, we got to walk around a bit, and now we’re back in the racing sedan.” Amy quipped.

“Hey, you knew full well that I was going to push the driving as long as I could.”

“Yes, but you don’t have to be the Road Warrior here! You could stop more often so we’re not in the car the whole trip.” Linda said.

“That’s funny, coming from you two who wanted to turbocharge the car. Or have you forgotten that, or the fact that the past couple times we stopped, Luke got stuck with fixing the car?” Scott said, coming to Luke’s defense.

“Yes, but someone had to do it.” Amy said.

“Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have appreciated an extra set of hands when dealing with the throttle bodies and MAF sensors. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have appreciated someone handing me parts while working on the brakes. But no, you guys picked a beach full of sand and water, and an aquarium, also full of water, so I would feel more comfortable fixing the car.” Luke said. “Pure social engineering at its finest. Make me uncomfortable with the stop so I feel better fixing the car. Start looking for things to do, or I’m just going to go hammer-down and we’re driving the whole time.”

Amy and Linda shared a concerned look, as it was one of the few times Luke showed his true feelings on the matter. Amy looked at Luke, who looked more towards the driver’s side ‘A’ pillar to avoid looking back.

“Sorry, Luke. I hadn’t realized this was… That we had excluded you entirely. You’re right. We need to plan our stops so that Luke gets something out of this road-trip as well.” Amy said, first to Luke, then to everyone in general.

There was a moment of near silence, other than the growling engine, wind and road noise, and Luke’s cooling fans, only broken when Linda asked, “Well, that’s all fine and good, but does anyone here know what Luke wants to do?”

“Not really, but we know he doesn’t like sand or water. Pick something that doesn’t involve those, and he’ll likely go along with it.” Scott said, as they continued their journey down the highway.

“Hmm… Well, give me a few minutes.” Linda then looked at her phone and fiddled about for a moment, then after 10 minutes, asked, “What do you all think about hiking?”

Everyone looked to Luke for a few moments, then seemed relieved when Luke responded “I could go for a bit of hiking.”

“Well, there’s Bishop Peak in San Luis Obispo, so it’s a long-ass drive, but it’ll be in our next day of travel, so…” Linda said.

“Sounds like a good plan. Log it in as our next major planned stop.”


Car Condition: Running fine.

Team Condition: Fight narrowly avoided. Plans in place to avoid further fights.

MRL: +19 (+1) Food!
FTG +10 (+3) Getting tired.

Planned stop: Bishop Peak, San Luis Obispo, CA


##Team BAGS

Brian’s notes for this leg:

This time, we decided to keep fatigue levels to a minimum by stopping at Westport-Union Landing State Beach off CA-1. It’s a scenic route, so we’ll lose some time, but we’ll get to Golden Gate Park eventually. As for the teams that have not yet reached it, most of them have taken the audacious decision to keep driving into the night. While it may help them reach the finish sooner, the extra fatigue that results from doing so will eventually take its toll until they stop again. In one case, it already has: one of the teams was eliminated due to what Gary describes as “fatigue-induced driver error”. This is exactly the sort of scenario that we want to avoid, but even if we do, we are still not yet guaranteed to reach our destination - even though it is becoming increasingly likely for us.


Our Protagonists Almost Die Before They Even Get To The Start
Our Protagonists Are Introduced And Act Like Somewhat Normal People
In Which They Noise Pollute Like College Frat Boys And Are Thoroughly Outdone by a Blue Man
In Which They Argue About Playing Gay Chicken With Keys Being Hidden in Unmentionable Places
In Which Gay Chicken Is Played But Kai Forgets the Chicken Part and Strop Loses
In Which Strop Fails Emissions Ratings and Team Southend are Scarred For Life
In Which Toothless Starts Wheezing and Strop’s Butt Unleashes a Can of Whoopass on Team Clutch Droppers

#Team Flaming Fart Cannon
###Day 2, 12-2pm

Even after passing through Bandon in a cloud of toxic emissions, Strop and Kai were still clutching their sides, the occasional wheezing paroxysm of laughter wracking their bodies.

“Oh God I died,” Strop gurgled.

“The best.” Was all Kai managed.

The highway was long and almost entirely straight going Southbound. The wounded Toothless once again took flight, picking up speed and buzzed over the road doing close to 90mph.

“Come on, let’s catch another team and do it again,” Kai joked.

“Okay, but, I gotta be careful, the next one could be a shart.” Strop cautioned.

As the 101 Southbound turned into a gently undulating coastal drive, Kai continued to give Toothless the beans. The beach view blurred on by with 4500rpm on the tacho and the droning of the inline four punctuated by pained squeaks from the front left every time they crested a bump or hit a dip.

“Uh, is that getting louder?” Strop wondered out loud.

“No.” Kai said, maybe a touch defensively, meaning, yes, definitely. And it persisted while they passed through Brookings, crossed the border from Oregon into California, through Smith River, and even Fort Dick (snicker). But it was in the dappled curves of the Redwood State Forest that even as Kai attacked each banked corner with gusto, Toothless sickened further, shuddering and shrieking while braking into the tight right handers, then groaning as he pinned the throttle past the apex.

“Oh shit dude, I think it’s getting worse,” Strop warned, his remark superfluous as Toothless burst into rattling vibrations that chattered their teeth. First it was just a shiver, then a rigor, then a bucking and jostling that rustled their jimmies* harder than a vibrator strapped to a jackhammer. They weren’t even able to appreciate the renewed view of the coast and the tide washing up on the rocky beach on the approach to Klamath Camp. The curves of the forest road over, the vibrations lessened, but the steering wheel still threatened to jump out of Kai’s hands. Knuckles white, he crooned and cajoled, in a vain attempt to soothe Toothless’ agony:

“Nej nej nej, skattepige, bare lidt endn-”

It was the bump at the end of the bridge that did it. There was an audible snap, then a grinding, and Toothless pitched to the left with the howling of rubber. Kai instantly pulled to the right, but the wheel was jammed fast. Strop clutched his seatbelt and braced. Throwing up smoke, the flaming Corolla veered across the oncoming lane, off the runoff and was swallowed by the tree canopy. Then there was a crunch, the airbag popped, knees banging against the footwell, seatbelts crushing their ribcages, and silence.

Seasoned veteran of racing crashes, Kai had the motor off, seatbelt off, levered the door open and hopped out within moments. Strop, not a seasoned veteran of crashes in general, tried opening his door for a good ten seconds before realising it was jammed shut, struggled across to the driver’s side and spilled out onto the ground. By the time he had dusted himself off and rubbed his sore knees, Kai was already bracing against the B pillar, in an apparent attempt to haul Toothless out of its dirt crater.

Strop stared at him for a good half a minute before his brain engaged. “Kai, what the actual fuck are you doing.”

“Help me!” Kai grunted, putting his back into it. Toothless inched back a good half foot, dirt dragging in front of the wheels. Strop’s eyes bugged out, first at seeing Kai’s slight frame shift a firmly stuck car, second in an attempt to comprehend what Kai planned. But of course. Kai didn’t have a plan.

“Kai, stop.” Strop stood up, palms upward in utter confusion. “It’s over.”

“No! No! We can fix this!” Kai’s jaw was set, breathing laboured as he pulled again. “Just… gotta…” Strop marched over, firmly wrapping his arms around Kai, and forcibly dragged him away. Kai latched onto the doorframe with his fingers, arms almost elongating as he clung on for dear life. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

“FOR FUCK’S SAKE KAI THIS IS WHAT WE PLANNED ALL ALONG,” Strop roared, straining with all his might. Finally, his entire weight and power overcame Kai’s flagging grip, and they tumbled into the dirt. Kai kicked and flailed, yelling unintelligibly, and Strop just held on, riding the flames of his fury until he burnt out and fell still, save for the heaving of his chest.

Strop shoved Kai off, and rolled over to his knees. “This was what we planned all along,” he repeated, softer now.

Kai didn’t move, or blink, for such a long moment Strop thought he had lost consciousness. Finally he spoke. “Yeah, I know.”

In silence they struggled to their feet, and dusted themselves off. Toothless lay lifeless, save for the ticking of the heat dissipating from the engine. Strop felt a sudden flashback, to watching the air escaping from his dying patients; wisely, he said nothing.

“I’m going to call a tow truck,” he announced, to no reply. He turned to look at Kai, head bowed, now stroking Toothless’ rear hatch, murmuring barely audible:

“Såså, det skal nok gå… Du har været en god bil, men nu er det på tide at komme videre… Så tak, Toothless, mini Nightfury… Vi burde ha’ set om du kunne ha’ kørt fra den også. Vi ses på den evige racerbane…”

As silently as he could, Strop took ten paces back, and started flicking through his phone. By the time he was done, Kai had finished talking to Toothless, and was standing still, arms folded, contemplating his hand-painted flame decal.

“Truck’s going to be a few hours,” Strop announced.

At first, Kai didn’t answer. When he did turn around, hands on his hips, his jaw was set and his gaze steely.

“We’re gonna need a proper site for the pyre.”

MRL: -3
FTG: +6

*I am quite aware that this is not the typical usage of “rustle my jimmies”. This is deliberate, as I do enjoy employing ironic misappropriation and double-entendre simultaneously!