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The Kinda Grand Tour [FINALE]


Team Mr. Hankey

Having awoken at 5:00, it didn’t take long for the team to get ready for the upcoming day’s drive. This meant that after their “breakfast” of muesli bars and Orange Pekoe tea, there was still enough time to pack up before dawn.
They figured that the sooner they hit the road, the more likely they’d catch up to some of the other teams.

Bill: Okay. We’re probably a couple of hundred kays behind the rest of them, but this early start should help a bit.
Toni: Well, we’re probably not going to catch anyone now, but that’s no reason not to enjoy the trip.
Wookiee: Then let’s roll.
Bill turned the key, and the 38 year old V8 fired up. After waiting for the temp gauge to come up, just as Bill was about to put the car in 1st…
Wookiee: HOLD IT. Gotta go… like, now.
Bill: :rage:


brb dying



Blake: (groan) Great, some dipshit has an alarm going this early. Well, might as well get up.

Blake crawls out of his tent to see Marc and Luigi also awake by the same alarm. The three men set to work breaking down camp. Blake got to work making coffee and boiling water for breakfast while Marc and Luigi broke down the tents and put everything in the car. The three men drank coffee and had their breakfast which each consisted of an oatmeal packet with hot water poured inside. A simple approach that leaves you only having to clean a spoon. By six the car was loaded up and they were ready to go.

Luigi: Seatbelts.

Marc: Why bother, your driving is so slow we wouldn’t even be dangerous to a bicycle.

Luigi: I’m sorry, I don’t drive like it’s Poland in 1939.

Blake: Isn’t it a little early for this?

Marc: You’re right, we should just tie a cannoli to a string and hook it up to the front of the car, maybe then this old bitch will drive faster.

Blake: Watch it now, you don’t want your blood pressure going up.

Luigi: He’s fine, he never gets high blood pressure thanks to ED.

Marc: Funny, you mother was of a different opinion.

Luigi: Impossible, my mother only likes men!

Marc: You are your mother’s son.

Luigi: What are you implying?

Marc: That you’re a homo, I thought that was obvious.

Blake: How do you account for Isabella?

Marc: She’s just the closet door.

Luigi: First deli we find I’m stuffing pork in his mouth. Until then how about some music?


[quote=“VicVictory, post:193, topic:20895, full:true”]

Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Saturday, 6am - 8am

Weather Conditions: 48 degrees. Cloudy. Pavement is still wet from overnight rain.

All vehicles are on US101 South.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Tillamook Cheese Factory, Oregon Coast Aquarium. Any POI you can find/message me about between Newport, OR and Eureka, CA.

Next Waypoint(s): Fort Stevens State Park, OR, Seal Rock, OR. Bullards Beach, OR.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 383 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -0 Notes: Team is awake, showered, and has eaten the free breakfast at the motel. They are heading out at 8a, feeling fully refreshed.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -3 Notes: Team wakes up at 7am and has broken camp/packed up by 8am. Team is feeling mostly refreshed.

TBDC: 107 mi OD: 500 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -2 Notes: Team wakes up at 7am and has broken camp/packed up by 8am. Team is feeling fully refreshed. NOTE: Parts store will be open at 8am, but will take a 10 mile backtrack to get there and a minimum of 30 minutes in store. Do you wish to visit the parts store?

TBDC: 93 mi OD: 486 mi MRL: +1 FTG: -1 Notes: Luigi pulled over at a coffee stand, any protests not withstanding. (Boy, the coffee out here is strong! Whoo! -1 fatigue, team now feels fully refreshed)

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -4 Notes: Team woke up at 8am, and will be ready to leave at 9am. They are feeling mostly refreshed.

TBDC: 27 mi OD: 435 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -0 Notes: Team awake, showered, fed, and on the road by 7:30am. Team feels fully refreshed.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -4 Notes: Team woke up at 7am, and will be on the road at 8am. team feels fully refreshed.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 491 mi MRL: +1 FTG: -5 Notes: Team awake at 7, on the road by 8am. Team is having a hard time getting their bodies and minds going this morning.

TBDC: 76 mi OD: 469 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -2 Notes: Half hour rest taken at the Tillamook Cheese Factory. (Flaming Fart Cannons arrives 15 minutes in to your rest)

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -2 Notes: Team woke up at 7a, ready to go at 8a. Team feels refreshed.

TBDC: 104 mi OD: 350 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Fort Stevens State park. Team arrives at Tillamook Cheese factory ar 730a. (Team Southend is already here)

TBDC: 102 mi OD: 467 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: Lifter tick has developed. Waypoint complete: Fort Stevens State Park.

@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -3 Notes: Team woke up at 7am, ready at 8am. Team feels refreshed.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -3 Notes: Team woke up at 7am, ready at 8am. team feels somewhat refreshed.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -3 Notes: Team woke up at 7am, ready at 8am. team feels mostly refreshed.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 106 mi OD: 499 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 383 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Team showered, fed, and on the road at 8am. Team feels fully refreshed.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 105 mi OD: 498 mi MRL:+1 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

TBDC: 0 mi OD: 393 mi MRL: +4 FTG: -3 Notes: Team was awake by 7am and ready to go by 8am. Team feels somewhat refreshed.

The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:

None - Only one car is actually on the road.

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

Rick stepped into the lobby of the Astoria Crest Motel, rubbing his bare hands together and blowing in them. Though it was by no means freezing outside, Rick had just finished packing the trunk of the Chancellor, including all of their coats, and his jeans-and-t-shirt couture were no match for the elements.

He went to make the turn toward their room, but Jen and Fuzz emerged from the hallway just as he got to it.

“All packed,” Rick chirped with cheer. “We can grab a bite and then go.”

“They better have coffee here,” Fuzz yawned.

“Just follow Jen,” Rick chuckled. “Putting coffee anywhere near her in the morning is like chumming the water for a shark.”

Jen lifted one eyebrow and grunted, but nonetheless followed her deep (and oddly modern) instinct to hunt coffee. Fuzz groggily trudged behind her. Rick instead grabbed a bottle of orange juice, and picked up a fresh plate at the start of the buffet line. He exchanged smiles with the man just in front of him in line. It took Rick a moment to recognize him.

“You’re Mitch, right?” Rick asked.

Mitch turned toward him. “Yeah mate. You’re from Greasy Lightning, aren’t you?”

“Yeah. I’m Rick. My wife Jen and my brother-in-law Fuzz… er… Ted… are over there,” he pointed to the pair of humanoids hunched over their drinks, nursing them as if they were the very life blood of existence.

“A pleasure, Rick. My mates Sam and Dan should be here in a minute. Just grabbing something before we go.”

“Same here. You guys want to join us? It would be nice to have a little conversation to start the day, and I’m afraid these two aren’t quite ready yet.”

Mitch nodded. “Yeah, that works.”

Rick filled his plate with scrambled eggs, fruit, and bacon, and also snagged a single-serve yogurt cup. They walked over to the table just in time for Jen to get up and drag herself to the buffet. On the way, she smacked Fuzz in the back of the head.

He snorted and startled; Rick hadn’t realized that the young cop had fallen asleep.

“I’m coming, ma!” he shouted, followed by a loud expletive as he banged his knee on the table jumping up to follow Jen.

Rick shook his head, then grinned and glanced over at Mitch. “Sometimes it’s just fun to watch, I guess. I don’t mean it to be a jerk. It’s just… cute… how they can’t function this early without coffee.”

“Right. What about you?” Mitch smiled.

“Oh, I’m used to it. I get up at just after 5 in the morning for work. These two?” Rick chuckled, then pointed at his wife. “She doesn’t start work till 10 am or later. Once I go down, she binges Netflix most of the night. And him?” Rick’s finger swung over to Fuzz. “Swing shift. I don’t think he’s seen a sunrise in 15 years.”

mitch nodded. He noticed out of the corner of his eye that his teammates had arrived. He gestured to them to get food at join the table. Jen returned to the table with an entirely predictable breakfast of yogurt, granola, and fruit, as well as a second cup of coffee.

“Feeling human yet, hun?” Rick asked.

“Merrrrr…” she replied.

“So why do you call him Fuzz, anyway?” Mitch queried.

“Ah…” RIck paused for a second, caught slightly off guard. “Well, he was a juvenile delinquent. Then became a cop. Irony, right?”

Mitch thought for a moment. “Yeah, or a change of paradigm. Kind of like your choice for a car this time around. At Roulette Runner you had that little Suzume, now this time around you bring a big old Ardent Chancellor. Any reason for the big change there?”

“Yeah,” Jen blurted. “I didn’t want to drag my ass on the ground, but I broke the other car.”

“No one said you broke the car, hon.”

“Tell that to Fuzz.”

“Like I said, no one said that,” Rick quipped.

“I heard that, Rick! Just remember, I get shotgun first!”

Shit, Rick thought.

“Anyway,” he continued. “It’s not all different. The Suzume’s engine is under the hood of the Chancellor. And it just seemed right to be going on a coastal cruise in either a land yacht or a convertible. Guess which one we found first.”

(to be continued by @Rk38)


Team Twin-Snail

Previous Stage

At 7 AM, team Twin-Snail began the slow task of getting up out of the tents, having something quick to eat, then started packing up the camp. Linda was the first to grumble about breakfast being cold cheeseburgers, with Scott admitting it wasn’t that bad, and Amy reminding Linda about their current area, that it wouldn’t take very long to find more food on the road.

7:30 rolled around and Luke started the car, leaving it in neutral with the parking brake on, but the transmission not being in park, letting the car have plenty of time to warm up and be ready for the journey ahead of them.

“So, parts store.” Amy said, lightly kicking Linda as she sat there, chewing on a burger much like a mouse chews a cookie. Linda ignored her, only to yell as Amy kicked her again, this time with purpose behind it. “Look up the nearest parts store, Linda! Jesus fucking Christ, you’re slow in the morning.”

“I haven’t had any coffee yet.” Linda mumbled, still procrastinating over the cold burger.

Scott rolled his eyes, then said, “Linda, knock it off and just look up the nearest available store. We’ll get some coffee on the road. Bound to be a coffee place nearby.”

Eventually, Linda gave an exasperated sigh and grabbed her phone, looking up nearby automotive parts stores.

“The closest one is a ten mile backtrack, and opens at 8.” Linda grumbled. “And it’s across the street from a coffee and donuts place, so while you guys are getting brake shit for the car, I’m going to have a coffee.”

“My guess would be… 30 minutes if we get someone who knows what the hell they’re doing, about an hour if we get someone who can’t tell the difference between a brake pad and a floor mat.” Luke said.

“Can we get a turbocharger?” Amy asked.

“For the last time, no. I’m not blowing up the engine because someone’s gone boost-crazy.” Luke replied.

8 AM rolled around as the last of the camp had been packed away, and everyone got into the car.


MRL: +13 (+4) - Feeling Lucky.
FTG: -3 (-2) - Surprisingly rather alert.
Status: Ready to Roll

Car Condition: Still needs those brake parts.

Notes: Team plans to backtrack to the parts store.


Hey @DeusExMackia you got anything specific in mind for when we shatter the tranquility of your stop at the Cheese factory? We’re gonna be fast and rambunctious :joy:


Team Bamford

Phil and Jason were still asleep in the motel as Ken and Simon began their check of the car, being an old race driver Ken was always superstitious and had to prepare his cars in a certain way each morning, Phil had reluctantly given up his keys the night before so this ritual could continue.

By the time Jason had showered and joined the duo, they had jacked the car up and rotated the tyres.

“Morning Simon, Pops” called Jason as he crossed the car park carrying his suitcase “How’s the check-up going?”

“Strange” replied Ken “We rotated the tyres and that’s about it”

“What about everything else?”

“Have a look in here, this is why I don’t like Phil”

Jason walked around to the boot of the Bamford and saw the contents of the car…

Phillip, in his wisdom and sure-fire reliability of the car had packed a wheel brace and jack, a plank of wood and 6 cigarette lighters into a box marked “Tools” the rest of the boot was filled with a miniature hotplate and gas bottle, two tents and sleeping bags, a lot of food, a chopping board and cutlery set and to top off the crazy, 6 house bricks.

“What?” asked Jason

“Exactly, once Phil comes down he can start driving us around”

“You know he kept me up half the night, he keeps having nightmares about that girlfriend of his”

Just then Phil walked into view, dressed in his day clothes and carrying his suitcase which had “Why is this full of bricks? - US Customs” written on the side in chalk.

“Are we ready to rock?” asked the smiling fool as he loaded the suitcase into the car

“Yeah, just start her up, we rotated the tyres for you”

Phil jumped in and held his foot flat while cranking the car over, instantly flooding the carbys.

“Oh you dick” moaned Ken as fuel dribbled out of the exhaust “You’ve f****ed it”

Phil raced around the car, taking a lighter from the boot and popping the bonnet.

Ken hated to admit but he’d been admiring Phil’s set-up, he’d explained that the original carbys didn’t fit under the hood so the previous owner had run the engine without an air filter, so when Phil got the car the only real work he did was add his own custom side-draught weber set-up to the engine, which he had secured off a Dodge inline 6 and tirelessly reworked the casting so it fit the Workhorse engine.

“I learnt this one from Roadkill” he yelled seconds before a massive flash of flame emerged from the engine.

Panicking, the trio ran to find Phil standing aback, somehow remaining fine after setting fire to the excess fuel in the engine.

“She should start fine now” smiled Phil, brushing his hair to make sure it wasn’t burnt.

And true to his word, the Workhorse fired on the first key turn, one last check was made of their hotel rooms, the keys were turned in and the red mongrel chuffed out of the car park and onto the open road.


Team ‘Routed…

Original Post | Previous Post

Team awoke to the random babbling of the TV…all background noise. Dan and Mitch had managed to drown the snoring out but they never figured out how to set the TV to sleep. It was some abhorrent morning TV show. A bunch of mannequin-like people beaming with unnaturally white teeth.

No one should be that happy this early Dan thought as he roused himself from the warm cosy protection of the bed. They ramble on about something probably Trump as it always seemed to be these days. The instant they TV set turned off a calm and refreshing silence filled the room.

The lack of background chatter roused Sam from his snoozing. Mitch was ready up…already getting some breakfast. Dan checked his watch. That’s right he’s the sort of chap who still keeps an old fashion watch.

“Damn! It’s getting late!” he exclaimed.

“Hey!” Dan said giving Sam a few nudges “Come on, get dressed, we need to grab some breakfast and head out!”

“Ugh…yeah, yeah” Sam responded trying to wipe away the drowsiness.

Once they left the warm room to the chill of morning air. They noticed the Chancellor was still there. It even looked like Mitch had even packed most of the gear into the Maesima already. So now they could relax a bit and maybe even enjoy a nice breakfast.

They stepped into the lobby of the Astoria Crest Motel. Finding the continental breakfast lounge it looked like an impressive spread. The usual American kind with all sorts of things like bagels and doughnuts for breakfast! But much to the dismay of Dan there was no sign of kettle or any tea…figures.

I suppose coffee or orange juice will have to suffice. Just then they spot Mitch. Sitting with the ‘Team Greasy Lightning’ deep in conversation. He seemed to gesture in a way that indicated they should get some food first then head over. Sam was dreading human contact this early.

He was barely functioning and nothing as subtle as the tea to wake him up. Instead just the violent kick of a coffee…American coffee at that. He’d need a full complement of savoury and sweet to get him through. Sam loaded up with bacon and eggs, a bagel, waffle, muffin plus a sort of danish and a big cup of joe.

Dan too had settled for a large cup of coffee. In a daring move decided he would try a proper American breakfast. A big plate of flapjacks drowning in maple syrup plus that crispy bacon and sunny side up eggs.

They made their way to the table awkwardly waving as went. But once they had settled into their seats. Catching the end of a conversation about cars…of course.

“Ah, well here’s the rest of the team,” Mitch announced as everyone introduced themselves.

“So you’re a family team then?” Sam said putting the piece together in his head.

“Yeah, that’s right Sam. I’m guessing you’re not an exactly…um a father-son team right?” Rick joked.

“Nah we’re just good mates is all,” Sam said with a smile as the team chuckled amongst themselves.

“Oh, yeah Sam and me we got waaay back," Dan said gesturing to Sam with coffee in his hand.

“Wait, so what about you?” Jen interrupted in a burst of caffeine fuelled lucidity.

“Oh well-” yawned Sam still adjusting to the morning.

“Funny story actually…” Mitch piped up leaning over another team.

“Well, you see in New South Wales the state we’re from…well, where we all live now anyway. They have this bloody stupid nanny state system for rego and such…”

Mitch then paused taking in the confused faces of the Rick, Jen and a sleepy Ted.

“Err…registration and such of cars I mean.” The other team finally nodded in understanding.

“So every few years you gotta get your cars checked out by approved folks,” Mitch said.

“Yeah, so one day I’m headin-” Sam interrupted hoping to shorten Mitch’s loong tales. But he was quickly cut off again.

“Um…I’m tellin’ the story here alright mate?” Sam rolled his eyes and returned to his breakfast.

“So where was it? Oh, that’s right.” He said with smile “I’m one of those blokes that runs a small time mechanical service like that. It’s not my main job but every now and then it’s handy to make a few bucks…or even a few stubbies on the side y’know what I mean?”

“I think so but what’s a stub…bee?” Rick inquired. You could tell from Jen and Ted’s blank look they’ve all got a bit lost in translation.

“It’s just like a bottle of beer really” Dan pointed out. “Aussie slang we’ll try to keep things simple right?” he said looking towards Mitch.

“Sure thing,” Mitch said giving Dan and nod. “So Anyway these two clowns come here wanting their safety check done and such.” Mitch chuckles. “I tell ya they may know their computers. But they’re bloody hopeless if you need them to do any real work on their cars.”

'So yeah we got to talking and Mitch is a great bloke really you want a car he’s your man!" Dan added.

Excuse me, I’m actually a pretty damn good software engineers thank you very much!” Sam said, “…and I actually change my own oil and stuff…” He began trailing off clearly losing heart.

“Oh, really Sam?” Rick asked, “Because it just so happened that I’m also a software engineer!” Sam’s face lit up and Rick and Sam entered into a conversation too boring detail. But needless to say, they got on rather well.

Mitch settled into his breakfast. While making attempts to converse with Fuzz between his flashes of wakefulness. Attempting to tease out any details of the police force. Hoping to gain some insight or advantage. So the team might avoid another speeding ticket disaster like last time.

Meanwhile, Dan has polished off most of his breakfast. It also appeared as though the coffee had its desired effect, Dan and Jen. Bring them into some at least resembling proper consciousness. After a few minutes of painful small talk. They stuck upon a common interest in Netflix programming. Both of them enjoyed binge watching.

After the breakfast the teams exchanged pleasantries. Wishing each other good luck on the race. As they both were about to head their separate ways in their cars. Sam dived into the boot and grabbed out a small container of strange black spread.

He rushed over to the idling Chancellor. “Hey, we forgot to bring this out for breakfast. But we thought we’d give it to you guys as…err token of friendship between our nations…or something.” Sam smiled while handing it to them. “We’ll have to do this again sometime.” Rick said grabbing the strange container labelled ‘Vegemite’. “Hey don’t worry we’ve got plenty leftover,” Sam assured them. “Good Luck! See Ya!” Sam blurted out dashing over into the back of the Maesima.

Once back in the car the others asked Sam. “You did remember how to use it? ” Mitch asked,

“…and to tell them what it is right?” Dan added.

“Oh, f#$k!” Sam uttered.

“Great, we meet a nice team and now you’re going to make them hate us,” complained Dan.

“You know they’ll treat it like peanut butter and try and eat a spoon full of it!” Dan continued.

“Well, they’ll probably never even try it” Mitch tried to assure Sam.

As the Maesima glided out of the parking lot and back onto the highway.

(Hopefully did justice to your team @VicVictory)


Yes @strop! Follow my lead :smiley:

#Team ‘Southend or Bust’
Original Post - Previous Post

The story so far: It’s day two of the adventure and our three guys have had a rude awakening at the campsite. They’re on the road now, but someone in particular can’t seem to shrug off their grump…

“So he just gave you that jacket?” asked Seb, taking his eyes off of the road to glance at it.
“Yeah! Isn’t he kind eh” replied Martin, who had been wearing it since they got on the road.
“Really like the pattern on the sleeves, and the logo looks gre-”
“Oh give it a rest you too” said James, slowly and with a yawn.
Seb sighed. “Look, grumpy guts, we’re very sorry your beauty sleep got ruined, but it’s in the past now, please get over it”.
“You wanna talk about getting over stuff in the past, do you?” replied James. Seb grimaced.
“James, please grow up”
“Okaaay, what if, what if we were all friendly and didn’t bicker?” said Martin, trying to bring some calm.
“I would be friendly Martin” James started, “If I’d had enough sleep”
Martin also sighed. “Oh man, I give up”

James started rambling, again, while the other two did their best to ignore him. “I’m glad you’re driving” said Martin.
“Yeah, thanks” replied Seb, sounding annoyed.
James rant suddenly ended, however, when he saw the sign for the Tillamook Cheese Factory, and he began screaming almost uncontrollably the words “Cheese Factory, Cheese Factory!”
Martin thought for a moment. “Will you promise to shut up for the rest of the day if we stop there?”
James had turned into a child. “Yes, yes, I’m sorry about earlier, I just want to get some cheese!”
“Alrighty then” said Martin, slightly confused. Seb turned off the main road and they stopped off.


Having had a quick look around the visitor centre, the boys were in the factory cafe, where they’d all ordered the Grilled Cheese Breakfast. James was also insisting that they go in the gift shop afterwards to get some souvenirs, namely more cheese.
“I never thought this would work” said Seb, inspecting the cheese and bacon combination sitting next to the egg-in-the-hole toast and potatoes, “but it’s…really nice”
“I know right!” said James with a bit of a mouthful.
Martin looked at him, still confused. He whispered to Seb, “I’m slightly concerned this might be a mood swing”

Just then, the sound of a song started to appear, as well as the sound of a car speeding into the carpark. The song became clearer…

It stopped shortly after, and Flaming Fart Cannon got out of their car.
“What was that?” asked James, vaguely recognising the song.
Seb stood up to try and get a look at the car out of the window. “I think that’s the GG lot”
“Oh nice, we’ll be able to have breakfast with them!” said Martin happily, highly unaware that that wasn’t going to go down well.
Moments later, Stop and Kai burst into the cafe.

To be continued by @strop



Brian’s notes for this leg:

After a good night’s sleep, we woke up at 7:00 am and discovered that absolutely nothing was wrong with our car - or at least, nothing we could find. A night of rain had left the road somewhat wet, but we were sure we could handle it. An hour later, just before leaving, we confirmed our plans to stop at the aquarium, as well as adopting a slightly more aggressive strategy.

And so, having gotten rid of the fatigue that had plagued us lately, we set off and headed back down the road along the West Coast… when suddenly, as we tuned in to a local rock radio station, this song started playing:

Instantly we were all reminded of a bygone era when cars were much simpler, easier to work on and (mostly) unencumbered by electronic interference - although we are still grateful for the improvements made in safety, economy and emissions since then.


Our Protagonists Almost Die Before They Even Get To The Start
Our Protagonists Are Introduced And Act Like Somewhat Normal People
In Which They Noise Pollute Like College Frat Boys And Are Thoroughly Outdone by a Blue Man
In Which They Argue About Playing Gay Chicken With Keys Being Hidden in Unmentionable Places
In Which Gay Chicken Is Played But Kai Forgets the Chicken Part and Strop Loses

Trigger Warning: potty humour

“OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHIT!” Kai whooped as the door to the Tillamook Cheese Factory cafe opened, only, the door opened halfway through the whoop, so really all that the occupants of the cafe heard was “SHIT!” Not surprisingly, everybody startled in their seats and turned to stare at the foul-mouthed interlopers.

“THAT HOOK was… nice.” Strop became aware of the vaguely disapproving stares from inside the cosy establishment, and belatedly switched to inside voice. Kai, still oblivious, took another drag of his cigarette and was about to exhale when Strop clamped his mouth shut, causing him to cough and splutter smoke out his nose.

“Put it out dumbass! We’re indoors and in a cheese cafe!”

Still coughing, Kai tossed the stub in the bin. “Dick. I thought the best cheese was smoked anyway. Oh hey look!” He pointed at the slightly concerned James and Martin, and the frantically waving Seb. “It’s the Southend guys!”

But Strop hadn’t noticed, because his eyes had alighted on the counters and the cabinets with the food in it. “Holy shit, where the cheese at!” And in a puff of smoke, he was crawling all over the counters looking at the cheese, the cheese melts, the cheese puffs, the cheese on cheese and everything else cheese.

“Uh, hi,” Kai grinned sheepishly at Team Southend.

“Morning!” Martin replied, extending a hand, “Would you like to join us?”

Caught alone and not wanting to be rude, Kai accepted the seat, perched on the edge.

“Your friend seems to like cheese,” Seb noted.

“Do horses even eat cheese?” James asked.

“Uh, well, Strop does,” Kai scratched his head, “and sometimes a whole bunch of stuff. But with the cheese, it’s kind of, uh-”

“Kind of what?” Strop boomed, his plate laden with about half his daily caloric requirement in cheese. “Morning fellas,” he grunted as he sat down, his cheese fetish clearly overtaking everything else.

“Uh, kind of a bad idea,” Kai finished with an awkward grin. “Horse guts are kind of… delicate so if you dump a whole load of something different on them at once…” he fixed Strop with a meaningful stare.

“Stop mansplaining,” Strop snapped, shovelling a hot and a cold cheese into his mouth at the same time then shivering in orgasmic delight. “Nobuh gunnph gemuphh mph-” he paused to swallow. “Nothing’s getting between me and this cheesy goodness.” Seb, James and Martin watched in a mixture of bemusement and horror as they observed the incongruity of a roughage-based herbivore devouring dairy.

“So what’s the plan for today?” Seb offered, to break the silence. “Planning to take it easy?”

“Hell no,” Kai scoffed. “Team Flaming Fart Cannon doesn’t do slow.”

“But we’re probably like a hundred miles behind most of the others,” Martin pointed out.

“That’s because this guy here made us stop,” Kai prodded Strop in the cheek, causing him to spray cheese onto the plate. Strop glared at him with irritation.

“That’s because we were running out of fuel. What do you think the car runs on, unicorn fart-”

Just then there was a distinctive PAAAAAAAAAAAAAARP, kind of like, the sound of rapidly escaping hot gas forced through a flexible orifice, filtered by denim.

Everybody stared at Strop, who sat frozen, wide eyed in the headlights. Kai was first to react, waving his hand and wrinkling his nose, “Oh, for Dog’s sake, fuck, what did I tell you.”

“Sorry,” it was Strop’s turn to grin sheepishly. “That was a lot quicker than I expected.” Kai didn’t answer, he was busy rolling around in simulated (and possibly real) agony, pinching his nose. “Oh fuck. Oh man. Lord help us all. Why do horse farts have to smell so damn bad.” He then trailed off as he was rapidly overwhelmed by the fumes: “Årh for helvede… Du ku’ starte verdens ende med det fis…”

Team Southend glanced between themselves, not quite yet olfactory witness to the profanity of Strop’s… South end. But one moment later, it hit them all at once, and even as polite as they were, they could not help but grimace and reel back. Definitely Or Bust, as in, time to Bust out of here.

“YEEEEES,” Martin said a little too loudly and suddenly. “I do cough suppose we are a bit behind so I guess we should hit the road cough cough

“Good to see you again and maybe see you on the road,” added James, before also being overtaken by a paroxysm of coughing.

“Likewise,” said Strop, waving as casually as he could despite the very pressing sensation that every word he spoke and every muscle he moved caused little toxic fartlets to seep out his butthole. “I’m going to… go to the gift shop. And buy more cheese.”

Seb looked back as Team Southend bolted for the door, perhaps at Team Flaming Fart Cannon, perhaps at the memory of the upstanding fine gentlemen they once were.

“OH GOD MUST YOU-” Kai shouted, still rolling around on the floor.

As the door swung shut, Kai’s protests were cut off. The cold morning air was sweet and fresh on their faces, as they set out once more.

I am so sorry. My plan is for this to go increasingly downhill as the trip goes on as it’s going to end in a catastrophe at some point, as do most of my written adventures. Down and down and down the rabbit hole we go… Also that sample and those beats were so dope, you can suggest hip hop to me anyday…

MRL: +8
FTG: 0


I am really loving this downward spiral. And I lost it at the “Strop’s…South End” bit!

Well, I do my best :blush:


I detect a bit of Eminem inspiration in the flow. I beg you, put together a playlist!

@Rk38 True Blue award for the vocab stubbie, rego, and of course, our much loved Vegemite. Beats hell out of a salt lick!


@Rk38 … thanks for the terrible thing that will happen to Greasy Lightning in a little bit… muhahahahaha!

and as @strop says… BRB, dying.


best part: IIRC, “use like peanut butter”, frequently means a PBJ sandwich in the US. As in, Peanut Butter & Jelly.

Mmm, mmm. That Vegemite Jelly combo, amirite!?


@strop You can have a gander at this if you like…


I tried not to make the language it too obvious But I couldn’t pass up a chance to spoil an unwitting teams day with vegemite!

I do wonder what would happen if our team were ever to meet though probably something rather calamitous I fear :stuck_out_tongue:

Your piece was delightfully disastrous and especially umm…squeezing the ‘south end’ bit in as it came out in a glorious fashion! I think @DeusExMackia team may be scared for life :joy:


Fair warning: I have something much worse lined up for any team I catch up to on the road, and we’re gonna be driving hella fast for the next while :wink:


Well if Sam ever gets behind the wheel again he’ll ring out that Maesima for all it’s got trying to chase down Kai!

But I’m looking forward to the next misfortune of Team Flaming Fart Cannon.


team 1'); drop table participants; --

Introduction  |  Previously

Saturday, 5am-8am

Clocks ticks to 5:00am


Turns to each other while still screaming and panicking


Frank: still screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!

Then both tries to grab the alarm placed on the dashboard, and both their arms hit the clock at the same time, which knocked the already unsteady shaking alarm clock to fell down beneath the driver’s seat while Da Wei fails multiple times trying to catch it on fall




The door is opened, letting the already loud noise in the car, louder, and in the process, wakes several nearby teams up, and sort of a calling to the park ranger that was not that far away.

Da Wei tries to get out of the car, tripped on his blanket while doing so, resulting in a headbutt against the door’s armrest and a faceplant to the grass

Da Wei: BAAAAAGHMMMMMMMHHH! Pushes himself up BWAAH!

Da Wei scraped the dirt that got stuck on his face off with his bare hand, threw away the blanket aside, and grabbed the alarm that got stuck under the driver’s seat and turned it off. But still on his knees.

Da Wei : well. That’s one hell of a wake up call.

Frank: it sure fucki………

Park Ranger : Excuse me gentlemen

Both turned their heads to the source of the foreign sound while being a bit confused. The second the 2 of them realised who this person coming to them was. They both whispered at the same time

Both: oh shit………

The ranger that came to them was a REALLY chappy one. He gave the 2 of them a NICE and LONG Speech for about 30 minutes before they were given a $200 fine at the end.

Da Wei : i’ve got to say 2 things. 1, your concoction actually worked. Too well. 2, we got a real wake up call, and then a WAKE UP CALL. great way to wake up. Well okay 3. He really could’ve just give a warning and the fine and save us the speech. Now we’re totally late, and my our plan to get out of here sooner than the other teams are ruined. And blablablablablabla….

Frank: Okok. Enough. I think we got everything, let’s go. Thankfully we’re only a few minutes behind this time, we can easily make that up.

Da Wei : Ok then. How many cops do you think are on the road at just after 6 am?

Frank: Not too many but I wouldn’t bet on it. Also, I don’t really want to get another ticket. This trip gets pretty expensive at that rate it’s been going so far.

Da Wei : arrgghhhhh fine. After being left behind yesterday, i just wanna. You know be ahead for a change.

Frank: I think we’re doing well. There’s some teams still sleeping. Only ones I saw leaving were those we’ve woken up. The Aussies in that old wagon, the cops that got that Italian with them this time, those two guys in that yellow coupe … oh, and South End or Bust are on the road as well.

Da Wei : anyway. Since we’re a bit early, wanna grab a breakfast to eat on the road first?

Frank: Yes. I’ll grab something while you handle the checkout.

Da Wei: okay then

Da Wei walked towards the car, get into the car. Started it up. Then reversed the car a whole 50m south heading, or rather butt-heading the car to the checkout stand, just because it’s still morning, he’s still a bit groggy and was too lazy to walk. Confusing Frank in the process

About 7:30am, several miles past Tillamook. A yellow coupe can be seen ahead, other than that there’s not a single car on the road.

Frank: Grabs the alarm, points at the car ahead You think what I think? Let’s have some fun with them, hehe.

Drops to 3rd gear

Da Wei : ready to go! Just give me the go

Frank: Winds down passenger window Go!

Foot Flat to the floor. Going to the side of their car as close as he dared to go at speed. Car roaring as loud as it would


As soon as @ramthecowy and Nomade look over to the side, Frank shows them the school bell alarm and lets it go off.
While Frank is bursting in laughter, Da Wei gives the car everything to pull ahead of the yellow Gamma coupe. Frank disables the alarm. And the the Cowys team’s car wobbbled about a bit.

Frank: Haha. We really should do that more often.

Da Wei : yes. But not TOO often. We’re totally gonna get some revenge paid back at some point later on

Frank: You’re right. This alarm clock thing already backfired once. You gotta admit it was damn funny though.

Da Wei : can’t deny that. Hahaha. Okay i think we’re far ahead enough. Gonna go back to speed limit now.

Morale: +1 (+5 total)
Fatigue: +0 (+4 total)