Our Protagonists Almost Die Before They Even Get To The Start
Our Protagonists Are Introduced And Act Like Somewhat Normal People
In Which They Noise Pollute Like College Frat Boys And Are Thoroughly Outdone by a Blue Man
In Which They Argue About Playing Gay Chicken With Keys Being Hidden in Unmentionable Places
In Which Gay Chicken Is Played But Kai Forgets the Chicken Part and Strop Loses
In Which Strop Fails Emissions Ratings and Team Southend are Scarred For Life
#Team Flaming Fart Cannon
Good for food (sort of), good for fuel, good for battery in the BoomStick… time to make up some ground!
“Just to be sure, you did say if we stopped every now and then, I could drive as much as I wanted?” Kai asked.
“Yeah, that’s the deal,” Strop replied. “As long as you stop when I want to. Or when you don’t want to drive as if that will ever happen.”
Just then, the next song came up on the playlist.
“Is this-” Kai started, look of spreading recognition on his face.
“YES.” Strop whipped out the finger guns. “I know right, how could I not play this, it has HISTORY.”
“You bought a Boom Box to the ASCA Mid-Season Gala with this on max volume.”
“We were all too poor to afford actual formal wear!”
“And then everybody hated us and that douche manager from my old team started picking on me, and you were all like it’s ok just walk away, walk away and then you did walk away… because you wanted a run-up to drop kick him in the face.”
“BOOM!” Strop pounded his fists together. Kai and Strop started laughing at the memory of the ensuing brawl, the night in the lock-up and the fine that ended up being more expensive than buying suits and dresses for everybody (totally worth it). But from the paroxysms of laughter, Strop’s sphincter involuntarily spasmed, allowing more fart to seep into the cabin. Kai wound the window down and hung his head out the window for a bit, wheezing.
“Oh shit, for fucks’ sake, I need a smoke just to cleanse my lungs.”
“Don’t you dare, that stuff’s poison.”
“No, YOUR fumes are poison. Cigarettes are like a tonic compared to the shit in your fart. Literally.” Still driving, Kai reached down for his packet and his lighter. Strop suddenly grabbed his hand, keeping the lighter shut. “NO, DON’T!”
“Dude what the fuck, don’t tell me what to do!” Kai tried pulling away but there was only so much pulling one could do without crashing Toothless.
“It’s not that… have you ever considered what might happen if you lit up in a cabin full of flammable fumes?”
Kai blinked and stared at Strop, clearly not looking at the road. “What. You think-”
“I mean, I’ve got it going on real bad right now, maybe the concentration is even enough to blow us sky high.” Kai frowned, unsure. It seemed far-fetched, but damn, it sure did smell bad in there. Strop’s brain was ticking too, for he had alighted on another idea…
“Hang on hang on, I know, gimme your lighter.”
“What? No!” Kai protested. “This is one of your dumb tricks to deprive me of my lung poison isn’t it.”
“Better than that, trust me.” Strop looked completely serious, which everybody knew was trouble. “And keep driving, we gotta go fast. In the meantime…” he pulled out a block of cheese he’d purchased from Tillamook, much to Kai’s horror. “This stuff ain’t gonna keep long out of the fridge!”
Toothless rolled into the station at Coos Bay, where they immediately spotted a familiar Sunshine Coast Orange '94 Erin Merna.
“Oh shit, it’s Team Southend!” Strop gasped. “Hide!”
But ducking below the window-line of the cabin was useless in a car as visible as the flaming, neon-shod Toothless. So Kai spent the next half a minute rolling back and forth such that the parked cars and the fuel pump completely obscured their line of sight from the compact. This achieved, the doors flew open they immediately spilled from the cabin, sucking in great lungfuls of sweet, petrol fume laden air. It was heaven.
While Strop refueled, Kai peered past the pump. “Hey, they’re not there. Good thing huh, would have been awkward.”
“Yeah,” Strop muttered, shameless enough to perpetrate offenses without regard to consequence but not anti-social enough to not feel said consequences. “Let’s keep going, I think we’ve done enough to them this morning.”
Back on the road, and back to the increasingly foul-smelling cabin. Strop’s emissions seemed to have increased, if the high-pitched squeaking of restrained farts was anything to go by.
“What did I tell you, stop eating the damn cheese!” Kai snapped, winding down the window for the umpteenth time that morning.
“I swear, that’s not me!” Strop cried. “I’m holding it in for something special!”
“Really?” Kai frowned. “Then…” the cause of the sound became more clear as, when Toothless crested a bump, the squeaking announced itself again. “Forpulede lort!” he spat.
“Ohh… we did say the CV joint was kind of getting worn out,” Strop mused.
Kai started stroking the steering wheel. “Come on baby, don’t give up on us just yet, your flight isn’t over just yet.”
At that moment, they caught sight of another familiar car: the '96 Bil of Team Clutch Droppers. Strop pointed at it frantically. “THERE. THERE THERE. Overtake them on the right.”
“Already on it!” Kai’s foot was planted and Toothless roared (well… hissed, I guess) forward. Strop grabbed Kai’s lighter and started unbuttoning his jeans.
“Strop, what the fuck?” Kai started.
“Hush now,” Strop had a manic grin on his face. “You’re about to discover the real reason we’re called Team Flaming Fart Cannon. And it’s not your turbo.”
Within seconds, they’d drawn abreast of the Bil and its unsuspecting occupants (or maybe suspecting, since the car was already notorious). Strop wound down the window, popped his seatbelt, and hauled himself until he was perched on the door frame, mostly hanging out the car. Ryan, Jason and Bob all stared at him with a mixture of confusion and horror as he dropped his pants, exposing his undies, and stuck his rear end at them.
“HADOKEN!” Strop yelled, and flicked the Bic.
A prodigious fireball launched from his rear end, blowing over the windshield of the Bil. Team Clutch Droppers almost lost it, swerving on the highway while Strop tumbled back into the car, for Toothless was also swerving, due to Kai being incapacitated by laughter.
“GO! GO! GO!” Strop yelled, steadying the wheel with one hand while trying to pull his pants up with the other. “And that’s another team we won’t be talking to by the end of this trip.”