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The Kinda Grand Tour [FINALE]


#324

Team Mr. Hankey
Saturday 6-8pm

Toni was back behind the wheel as Bill and the Wookiee debated the merits and pitfalls of AT-ST travel through a forest of little bear-people.
Wookiee: It’s all highway until we get there.
Bill: So, there’s no getting out until then?
Wookiee: What? We just got back in!
Bill: That was an hour ago.
Wookiee: Toni, is it going to be ok if we go a little faster. There’s a whine coming from the back end.
Bill: I’m hungry… I’m thirsty…I’m tired.
Toni (mutters): Someone shoot me now.
Wookiee: We agreed we’d keep going until we got to the hotel. Why do you make my head hurt?
Bill: Because you deserve it.
Toni: 160 kays to go. If you boys behave, I’ll buy you an ice cream and a toy when we get there. I can’t figure out what’s worse, this mother-ticking lifter, or you two!
Bill: He started it.
Wookiee: WHAT!?!
As usual, Mr Hankey smiled, and said nothing…oh, wait, that’s Gnome from Larry the Lawnmower.

8-10pm
Bill: This has to be the place. Look. That’s the boglicker, those writer guys from Sydney. And that orange coupe thing. That’s running too, isn’t it?
Toni: Yes, boy. Sit. Stay. Wookiee, see if you can grab a room… or two.
Wookiee: On it. (walks off toward reception)

Toni: Bill, you sort out the bags. When Wookiee finds us rooms, take the stuff up. I’m going to check the car.

While Toni was looking for any other problems that may have surfaced over the last 1,100 miles, Wookiee came back with news, and a single key.
Wookiee: Toni, Last room with 3 singles. You think we could maybe hide there and lock him out?
Bill: I’m here, you know.
Wookiee: Yeah, yeah.
The three fell asleep dreaming of the free breakfast in the morning, after deciding that Wookiee would take the wheel.


#325

TEAM OUTRIDERS

Well, nothing really going on as they are all asleep, so do with that what you will.


#326

Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Sunday, Midnight - 2am

Weather Conditions: 61 degrees. Mostly clear skies.

All vehicles are on US101 South or CA-1.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Any POI you can find/message me about between San Francisco, CA and San Diego, CA (bear in mind timing - It’s getting on toward evening, and various teams have fatigue setting in)

Next Waypoint(s): Half Moon Bay State Beach, Half Moon Bay, CA, El Capitan State Beach, CA.

VicVictory:
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1142 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team is asleep at the Coastside Inn, near the Beach.

@Vri404
TBDC: 116 mi OD: 1168 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoints completed: Golden Gate Park, Half Moon Bay State Beach. Team has refueled in San Francisco.

@Madrias
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team is asleep at the Great Highway Inn, near the Park

@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1142 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -4 Notes: Team is camping near Half Moon Bay Beach. TEAM MORALE EXTREMELY HIGH.

@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 848 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team asleep at a hotel in Eureka, CA.

@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1071 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team wakes up at 2am and will hit the road at 3am.

@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 120 mi OD: 1383 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +4 Notes: Team is feeling fatigued.

@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Waypoint completed: Golden Gate Park. Team team is asleep at the Great Highway Inn, near the Park.

@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team wakes up at 2am and will be ready to go at 3am.

@stm316
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team wakes up at 2am and will be ready at 3am.

@abg7
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: + FTG: -5 Notes: Team is asleep at the Great Highway Inn, near the park. TEAM MORALE IS EXTREMELY HIGH.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 117 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Golden Gate Park. Team has refueled in San Francisco.

@Rk38
TBDC: 105 mi OD: 1212 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +5 Notes: Waypoint completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach. Team is starting to feel fatigued.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 55 mi OD: 1163 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach. Team woke up at midnight and was on the road at 1am. Team has refueled in San Francisco.

@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -6 Notes: Team is asleep at at Great Highway Inn, near the park.

The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:

Multiple cars at the Great Highway Inn.

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

(ZZZZZ…)
[/quote]


#327

##Team Twin-Snail

Previous Stage


Status: Team is resting.

MRL: +16 (No Change)
FTG: +14 (-5)


#328

Team DMV Speed Stars

The trip is uneventful so far beyond a few sing alongs and pranks.
Felix and Dennis are asleep in the van while Ethan is returning from the bathroom and a 43 minute conversation with his girlfriend.

He gets back to the van and sees that someone has been going through his laptop.

Ethan: Those motherfuckers stealing my papers again? Guess I’ll return the favor.

He draws various obscenities on Dennis’ face and leaves the marker in Felix’s hand.

Ethan: Those 2 will be too busy messing with each other to suspect me.

He drifts off to sleep as well, excitedly anticipating a prank war once he wakes up.


#329

Team Bamford

8pm-1:50am
Phil had returned from his night-time stroll with Lucy, the motel clerk and he silently tip-toed back into the room he was sharing with Jason and Simon.

Opening the door with insane precision, his careful spree was ended with a heavy THWACK as he stepped on a broom which shot into the air, slapping Phil across his face.

The lights came on instantly as Phil clutched his face in agony, adjusting to the view of the room, he saw that the broom handle had at least been wrapped in a towel, but the shock was still there.

“And where have you been?” asked Jason

“I’ve just been out with Lucy, that’s all!”

“Well it’s 11pm, we’re supposed to be up at 2am and you’re off having Autumn romances”

“Technically it’s Spring here”

“Shut up and get to bed”

Phil accepted defeat and took his pajamas from his suitcase.


1:50am-2am
Ken awoke first, being in a separate room was a good decision tonight, with the early start he knew that one of them should at least be alert and awake, getting dressed, he strode out of his room to do his morning inspection, giving his team-mates door a swift hit, the thud was met soon after by Simon and the pair walked down to the car to rotate the tyres and prime the carburetors.

Phil was the next out of the room, just a little bleary eyed and he joined the duo, grabbing his kitchen supplies from the boot before heading back to his room to make them breakfast and lunch.


#330

Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Sunday, 2am - 4am

Weather Conditions: 59 degrees. Mostly clear skies.

All vehicles are on US101 South or CA-1.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Any POI you can find/message me about between San Francisco, CA and San Diego, CA (bear in mind timing - It’s getting on toward evening, and various teams have fatigue setting in)

Next Waypoint(s): Half Moon Bay State Beach, Half Moon Bay, CA, El Capitan State Beach, CA.

VicVictory:
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1142 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -3 Notes: Team woke up at 3 am and will be ready at 4 am.

@Vri404
TBDC: 115 mi OD: 1283 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: None.

@Madrias
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team is asleep at the Great Highway Inn, near the Park

@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1142 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -3 Notes: Team wakes up at 3am and is ready at 4 am. Team is feeling completely refreshed. TEAM MORALE EXTREMELY HIGH.

@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 848 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -0 Notes: Team asleep at a hotel in Eureka, CA.

@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 56 mi OD: 1127 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Golden Gate Park.

@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 42 mi OD: 1425 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +1 Notes: Team is feeling fatigued. Team has refueled in Santa Maria (Anticipated to be their final fuel stop). Team has stopped for 1 hour break/food at Denny’s in Santa Maria.

@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -5 Notes: Team wakes up at 4am and will be ready at 5am.

@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 49 mi OD: 1157 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes:

@stm316
TBDC: 47 mi OD: 1155 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach. Team has refueled in San Francisco. TEAM MORALE IS EXTREMELY HIGH.

@abg7
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -2 Notes: Team wakes up at 3am and is ready to go at 4am. Team is feeling completely refreshed.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 114 mi OD: 1222 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach.

@Rk38
TBDC: 112 mi OD: 1324 mi MRL: -2 FTG: +6 Notes: TEAM IS VERY FATIGUED.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 124 mi OD: 1287 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: Team is starting to feel fatigued.

@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -6 Notes: Team wakes up at 4am and will be ready at 5am. Team is still slightly fatigued.

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

(ZZZZZ…)


#331

Previous Post || Next Post

Team: Clutch Droppers

Day 2: 10-2am

We kept on truckin’ putting more miles behind us and the all the losers :stuck_out_tongue:
Bob had hooked his phone back up to the car for some good music.


Day 3: 2-4am

Just after 2am we found ourselves winding down along the ocean and heading through a number of small towns. As we came into a larger town, Santa Maria, grumbling stomachs could be heard throughout the car. Suddenly, off to the side of the road, a shining beacon of 24/7 dining came into view, DENNY’S! Jason quickly turned off the highway, waking Bob in the back seat, and pulled into the parking lot.

Bob: O SHIT, DENNY’S SON!! It’s breakfast time!

Ryan: I am going to eat all of their pancakes, do you hear me?? ALL OF THEM.

The trio jumped out of the car, which was surprisingly still running, and ran up to the door. As Ryan opened the door, the heavenly smells of bacon, pancakes, and syrup wafted over us and into the chilly night air. We quickly took up seats at the bar and glanced over our menus.

Waiter: Hello, welcome to Denny’s, can I start you with something to drink?

All: Water.

Waiter: Ok, I’ll grab those and come back for your orders.

A few minutes later.

Waiter: What can I get you guys?

Bob: I’ll have the Grand Slamwhich… AND the $2 French Toast Slices.

Jason: Give me the Sticky Bun Pancake Breakfast.

Ryan: Give me the Eggs in a Basket, and the all you can eat pancakes. Do not stop bringing me pancakes until I tell you.

A few minutes later our food came out, sizzling hot and smelling like a dream, a sweet, diabetic dream. Ryan promptly ate his three starting pancakes in less than a minute and put in his order for two more while he polished off the Eggs in a Basket. Bob and Jason finished up their food while Ryan plowed through 3 more orders of pancakes, showing no signs of slowing. As the clocked ticked around to the 45 minute mark of the meal, Ryan had managed to gobble down 33 pancakes so far. The waiter was starting to look nervous that he would never stop, draining their supply of pancakes until a resupply truck could come. Luckily for Denny’s, Ryan reached his fill a few minutes later, having managed to stuff 40 pancakes inside himself, along with egg stuffed buns, bacon, and hashbrowns. Hopefully, his infamous gas would hold off for another 5 hours or so, until the end of the race. After the bills were paid, we stopped at the bathroom, before making our way back to the car for the actual, final leg of our journey. Bob topped off the oil for the last time, and we were off.


Morale: +17 (DENNY’S!)
Fatigue: +14 (DENNY’S AT 3AM!)


#332

Team Mountain Pass

Team Mountain Pass

Saturday, day two, 6 - 8pm

Andrew here, I broke out of my funk at the loss of my target for the day… Wow! I have no recollection of where I’ve been or what I’ve seen and I’m now bone tired. Luckily we’ll be stopping at the end of this stint and hitting the hay… Man! I’m feeling like a hollowed out loaf of bread right now, I feel so empty and fragile, I need a hug, like, really bad! Driving the highway is uneventful; the Bogliq showing us why it was such an effective taxi in it’s day… We arrive at the Great Highway Inn, tired and hungry, and we hit the sack as soon as our dinner has digested.

Sunday, day three, 4am

Pierre here! I’m designated driver today and I have resolved to match Andrew’s pace behind the wheel, but without the overly violent basis to pin that speed upon. I’ve been in this Ambassador for two days now and I’m pretty aware of it’s strengths and weaknesses; Kyle warned me about the brakes but Andrew had no issues with them. I’m looking forward to pushing on, as we have a tight schedule to keep and many miles yet to travel, so we load up the car and hit the road by around 3am. We made plenty of miles this morning, the roads are empty and Bogliq’s three beam headlight design provides us with plenty of useable light.

Distance travelled these sessions: 168 miles
Distance travelled so far: 1154 miles
Morale +1 (+17 total) Looking forward to pressing on and reaching the finish line!
Fatigue -8 (+1 total) Early morning starts are never easy!


#333

TEAM OUTRIDERS

(The team wakes up ready to start early)

Blake: Reminds me of the trips Charlotte and I took the kids on.

Marc: Woke up super early?

Blake: By necessity. Wake em up at 2 AM and stuff em in the car. They’d spend half the time on the road asleep, therefore quiet.

Marc: No DVD entertainment for you guys eh?

Luigi: I just never bought a car unless I could reach the back seat.

(The men cook up some bacon and eggs for Breakfast. Obviously Marc skipped on the bacon. Once they put aside their need for sustenance they broke camp and packed everything in the car.)

Marc: Okay, everyone buckled up?

Luigi: Yup.

Blake: Ready to go.

Marc: Okay then, let’s rock!


#334

Team Twin-Snail

Previous Stage


Status: Resting
MRL: +16 (No Change)
FTG: +9 (-5)


#335

Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Sunday, 4am - 6am

Weather Conditions: 58 degrees. Mostly clear skies.

All vehicles are on US101 South or CA-1.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Any POI you can find/message me about between San Francisco, CA and San Diego, CA (bear in mind timing - It’s getting on toward evening, and various teams have fatigue setting in)

Next Waypoint(s): Half Moon Bay State Beach, Half Moon Bay, CA, El Capitan State Beach, CA.

VicVictory:
TBDC: 117 mi OD: 1259 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

@Vri404
TBDC: 118 mi OD: 1401 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +4 Notes: Refueled in Santa Maria (projected to be final fuel stop). Team is starting to feel fatigued.

@Madrias
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 1108 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -6 Notes: Team Wakes up at 6am and will be ready at 7am.

@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 123 mi OD: 1265 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 0 mi OD: 848 mi MRL: +0 FTG: -0 Notes: Team is awake but idle (part has not arrived yet)

@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 110 mi OD: 1237 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach. Refueled in Half Moon Bay.

@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 102 mi OD: 1527 mi MRL: -1 FTG: +5 Notes: Waypoint completed: El Capitan State Beach. TEAM IS VERY FATIGUED

@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 50 mi OD: 1158 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach. Team has refueled in San Francisco.

@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 129 mi OD: 1286 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +1 Notes: (forgot to mark down in the last time slot, but team did Half Moon Bay State Park, and refueled in San Francisco)

@stm316
TBDC: 124 mi OD: 1279 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +1 Notes: TEAM MORALE IS EXTREMELY HIGH.

@abg7
TBDC: 109 mi OD: 1217 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach. Team has refueled in San Francisco.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 121 mi OD: 1343 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: None.

@Rk38
TBDC: 97 mi OD: 1421 mi MRL: -2 FTG: +8 Notes: TEAM IS VERY FATIGUED. Team has made their final fuel stop in Santa Maria.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 114 mi OD: 1401 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +4 Notes: Team is feeling fatigued. Team has made their final fuel stop in Santa Maria.

@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 51 mi OD: 1159 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint Completed: Half Moon Bay State Beach. Team has refueled in San Francisco. Team is still slightly fatigued.

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

“WHOO yeah! Here we go!” Fuzz cheered as he did a TJ Hooker slide over the hood. “C’mon, give me the keys!”

“Did we overdo the coffee this morning?” Rick asked.

Fuzz giggled. “YEAH!”

“Oh dear…”


#336

Team BAGS

Brian’s notes for this leg:

Having just woken up, we set off towards the next waypoint in Half Moon Bay. We made it without incident, and feel increasingly hopeful about finishing, if not outright winning, this challenge. Stephanie has been staring out of the passenger side rear window for several hours, looking at the countless stars scattered across the night sky. With dawn approaching, our optimism is as strong as ever.

Just before reaching Half Moon Bay, Amy heard a rumor a few teams have made it as far as El Capitan, but are now feeling more fatigued than we consider acceptable due to having to drive on through the night. On the other hand, she suspects that, due to delays in receiving a vital part, one team has not even made it to San Francisco yet… Even though it is already known that they will receive the part eventually, whether or not they will still reach the finish line is now increasingly unlikely.


#337

TEAM OUTRIDERS

Radio: (Announcers voice sounds similar to Kelsey Grammar) You are tuned in to KCTLs Expanding Horizons weekend. You’ve just heard the Metalflake hit “I See You in the ICU” Metalflake is mostly known for their efforts to bring about a revival of the metal craze. I wish them luck in their endeavor. Our next title in our “Expanding Horizons Weekend” is an overture from the Barber of Seville composed by Gioachino Antonio Rossini…

Luigi: More of this classical shit?

Marc: It’s for your own good you philistine! Besides, that garbage you listen to rots your brain and ruins your ears.

Blake: All I can think of is Bugs Bunny.

Luigi: So what’s the game plan for today?

Marc: It’s early, so I plan to get as much ground covered before rush hour hits.

Blake: Everything is looking good with the car, I think we’ve got a good chance.

Marc: Well, don’t count all your eggs before they’re hatched.

Luigi: I’m pretty sure chickens give live births like sharks.

Marc: Are you shitting me?

Blake: It doesn’t matter, but I do believe we may no longer be in the lead.

Marc: Sounds like people ran through most of the night then. I hope for their sakes they know what they’re doing. Fatigue can sneak up on you.

Luigi: How bad can it be?

Marc: Well, driving for 16 hours without any rest is the equivalent of being at the legal alcohol limit. 24 hours is like downing half a bottle of scotch. Your reflexes are shot.

Blake: Regardless, they are still ahead of us.

Marc: I know, that’s why I plan to haul ass. We’ve got a full tank, and a good two to three hours of clear roads, I intend to make the most of it.


#338

Team Twin-Snail

Previous Stage


As 6 AM rolled around, the alarms started going off to wake the team up. It’d been planned in advance, but Luke was still not overly happy that everyone was planning on having the hotel breakfast in the morning.

However, he wasn’t about to complain about it, even if he knew Linda was going to drag breakfast out as long as she could just to avoid having to leave, even though it was a race.

The four of them met up in the breakfast lounge, where Amy and Linda could be heard swearing up a storm and getting everyone’s attention, even more than Luke’s metallic frame and blue paint.

“Those fuckers drove through the night!” Amy said angrily, looking at the GPS.

“We should’ve kept going.” Linda whined. This got her a pointed glare from Amy and Scott, and for Luke to stare at her.

“Says the bitch that decided to whine for 150 miles about wanting a hotel room.” Amy snapped.

“See, Linda, you complained and complained, so we took a 6 hour rest, and now we’re behind again. Now Luke’s gotta redline the car to get anywhere.” Scott said.

“Yeah, and we’ve still got Luke’s POI to do, a little wander around Bishop Peak.” Linda grumbled.

“Seeing as the three of you have gotten to enjoy two points of interest while I got to enjoy fixing the car to get us this far, I deserve a little gratitude. You made us stop for the night. If you’re really concerned about us being way behind, skip breakfast.” Luke said.

“No! I’m hungry.” Linda said.

“Then shut up and eat, we leave in one hour. And may the Devil give us wings, for we shall need them to catch the other teams.” Luke said.


Aftermath:

Team is awake, not yet moving.

MRL +16 (No Change)
FTG +3 (-6)


#339

#Team ‘Southend or Bust’
Original Post - Previous Post

The story so far: After a a night spent all in the same bed (a double-double, we should mention, because James felt too awkward about sharing one with Seb), the boys are on the road early in the morning and heading south…

With James behind the wheel and Seb on map duty, Martin was in the back of the car pouring over Google searches into ‘common problems’ with Erin Merna’s from this period, in anticipation for any problems today.
“Oooh, it’s 5:30am, the sun is about to appear from over the mountains!” announced James, readying his sunglasses.
“I’m pretty sure you’re in love with those things” said Seb.
“Trust me, I am” replied James. They were silver Aviator’s he’d got for his 18th birthday from his Mum and Dad, and there were less days than when he hadn’t worn them than when he had.
A bright ray of sunlight appeared from their left. “Boom! There it is” shouted James as everything began to brighten up rapidly, and he whacked on his glasses.

The boys were feeling confident today, but the trip was getting quite tiring. Still, they had one of the most amazing places in the world to drive through, and there was no denying how much they were looking forward to reaching Los Angeles.


#340

Wow, Linda needs some serious character redemption here, she’s giving more that just her team the irrits :joy:


#341

Keep in mind, she’s kinda the team troublemaker. She did something similar in the Roulette Runner, by breaking the radio because she didn’t get to listen to what she wanted.

In this case, she complained about needing to sleep, now she’s complaining that driving through the night would have made more sense. No win with her.


#342

Team Bamford

2am - 4am
Jason was the last out of the motel, Phil had wrapped some leftover casserole (recipe still available on request) with potatoes and some of his American cheese in tin foil and stuffed it into the exhaust manifold. Simon and Phil rotated the tyres one last time and with ceremonial flourish (and groans of agony from the team) Phil once again demonstrated his fire dodging skills and the team was soon underway, with Jason taking on the driving duties as Simon was only just 18 and no-one was really sure if he could drive in America.

After Phil ran off quickly to say goodbye to his new-found friend, the team set off from the Motel, quickly heading towards the bright lights in the distance.

The miles passed easily and the team soon arrived in San Francisco, they were finally getting to the decent sightseeing points of the tour and it was with great joy that they crossed the Golden Gate Bridge.

“We actually made it!” said Ken, with a big grin on his face

“I said we’d make it, didn’t I” replied Phil, half asleep.

“And I’m not sorry that I doubted you”

Phil smiled, sitting upright and looking at the old man next to him.

“That’s alright Kenny boy” he said, slapping Kens knee “This baby only needs one person to have faith in her and she’ll take you to the moon and back!”

The went silent again for a little while, admiring the bridge and Phil only spoke again once they’d left the bridge and were winding their way into the Golden Gate park.

“By the way Ken, what made you think I was gay?”


4am-6am

After an awkward talk where Ken explained his reasoning behind Phil’s sexuality, the team continued onwards, heading to a refuel point at Half Moon Bay.

“So, are we gonna meet your Erwin Baker persona again?” said Jason, as they eased into the forecourt.

“No way, it was sheer luck that we got away from the last place” replied Phil

“Besides” said Ken “Most of the Cannonball Run people live on the east coast”

“Cannonball Run?” asked Jason

“The Erwin Baker Memorial Sea to Shining Sea Cross Country Race” replied Ken “Phil, no doubt during one of his walks around Seaside, made a network of old road racers and was trying to get us to LA as under the radar as possible”

“Why?” questioned Jason, as he hopped out of the car, leaning in through an open window as he pumped the fuel.

“Well” whispered Phil “We’d get done for bringing a 23 year-old import into America, it’s 25 or older, so we’re in trouble already, not to mention the whole issue with some of us probably not legal to drive here, I found a local hot-rod group and made a quick guide of places who’d keep our run secret”

“That was admirable of you” said Simon “Because that other team got pulled over and got arrested, they’d bury us under a jail with what we’re doing”

“Exactly” said Phil as Jason walked into the building to pay “We have to make certain that we make it, I’m taking this car back to London with me and I want us to make it to LA”

“And back to Petaluma to see your baby again” smirked Ken

“That may be a factor too, yes”

By this time, Jason had joined the team and they were off on the road again, for the next half hour until Santa Cruz, the trio pumped Jason for information about the night, where’d he go, why was he so late back, details man, details!

Phil smirked, recalling the evening “We went back to her place to play some games”

“Oooooh” came the collective reply “Like what?” continued Jason

“Hopscotch, Ludo, Connect Four and we jumped on her bed too”

“You played kid games?” came the flat response from Simon

“I’d say that jumping on a bed isn’t really a game, it’s more of a sport!” snapped Phil.

“I’m really starting to doubt your sanity” muttered Ken “Even more so than usual”


#343

Our Protagonists Almost Die Before They Even Get To The Start
Our Protagonists Are Introduced And Act Like Somewhat Normal People
In Which They Noise Pollute Like College Frat Boys And Are Thoroughly Outdone by a Blue Man
In Which They Argue About Playing Gay Chicken With Keys Being Hidden in Unmentionable Places
In Which Gay Chicken Is Played But Kai Forgets the Chicken Part and Strop Loses
In Which Strop Fails Emissions Ratings and Team Southend are Scarred For Life
In Which Toothless Starts Wheezing and Strop’s Butt Unleashes a Can of Whoopass on Team Clutch Droppers
In Which Toothless Is Mortally Wounded And Team Flaming Fart Cannon Call it a Day

#Team Flaming Fart Cannon

##Day 2, 2-6pm

A half-mile walk, one rejected seafood joint (“You know I don’t like seafood”, Kai reminded Strop much to the latter’s endless bemusement), and two cigarettes later, the recently bereft duo stumbled upon Klamath’s Fuel Mart. Time for lunch, then, and other things, including absolutely destroying a certain plumbing system.

“Yeah nah, you probably don’t want to use these toilets,” Strop proclaimed, zipping his jeans up as he limped through the GENTS door, the barest whiff of noxious horse-fumes escaping as the door swung shut a potent portent to what lay beyond.

Kai wrinkled his nose. “Er, I wasn’t planning to.” He then took a long drag through the straw in his giant-sized something-something soda. “You aren’t having any more cheese are you?”

“Nah, I’m done.” Strop waved his hand and snorted. “Back to regular strength farts from me now.”

“Great,” Kai muttered, scooting a few feet further away from Strop’s seat.

Not exactly being tourists in tourist mode, there wasn’t an awful lot to do post lunch, but wander up and down the Klamath River bank, occasionally pausing to stare at some invisible point beyond the horizon. Strop rolled his jeans up and splashed in the shallows for a while, but as the minutes ticked by, the silence grew heavier.

Finally, his phone rang; the truck had arrived. They scrambled back to the 101 where a dusty, beat-up tow truck waited. The door swung open and out stepped a woman just as weathered as her old Chevy.

“Hi boys, I’m Deb,” she hollered, free of any preconceived notions of a Californian accent (Strop wasn’t sure what to expect anyway). “You the one with the car that needed an arrangement?”

Throwing a sideways glance at the listless Kai, Strop hurried across the road in order to engage his inside voice. “Yeah thanks for coming Deb. Can you get us somewhere we can conduct the, erm, service?”

“No problem, I got room for two, come on in!” Deb waved them into her cab. “Now where’s the vehicle?”


Kai didn’t even register when the truck pulled alongside the stricken Toothless. Deb, on the other hand, couldn’t help but chuckle. “Lordy, boys, were you tripping or were you tripping in that ride?”

Inside, Strop grimaced, but Kai was still staring vacantly. If he’d heard, he hadn’t really heard. “It’s a personal statement kind of thing,” Strop explained.

“I’ll bet, I’m not judging.” Deb pulled over and hauled herself out of the cab, surveying the wreck. “Every car has a story right?” Much shuffling and to-and-fro was had as the Chevy had to extricate Toothless out back end first, with some cringeworthy crunching of plastic bumper, before hooking back up to the front axle. That part of the job done, they were back on the road and headed for the nearest wrecker.

“So what’s yours?” Deb asked, to break the bleakness.

“Huh?” Strop snapped out of his daze.

“Your story. I mean… you’re clearly not from around here, and you don’t see car like that here, and I’m not talking about the paintjob.”

“Oh, that!” Strop glanced to his right, where Kai’s head was leaning on the window, shifting only when the truck crested a bump. “Yeah, we’re not from around here. We’re just on a Cannonball Run meets 24 Hours Of Lemons kinda thing.”

Deb laughed, a short, barking exhortation that matched her rough visage. “Ha! Okay, there’s definitely a story behind this.”

“Long story.” Strop glanced over again, and seeing Kai was asleep, kept going. “We’re from Australia, so is Toothless. Kai here has owned Toothless for a few years, but we knew it was time to let go, so we made him sell up and move on, especially when he started, er, customising. But I guess he was so fond of Toothless he wanted to give him a sendoff. Thing is, guys like us, we know adventures can get a bit, uh, hairy, but we wanted to do this proper, like, go out with a bang but, at worst, get deported you know?”

Deb raised an eyebrow. “Okay fair. But why here? I mean, it’s wrong-hand drive and all, getting that through TSA…”

“Oh yeah, well, first thing, this guy here,” Strop pointed at Kai, “Is a pro- has to travel a lot for work. We both do. And funnily enough the US is one place we don’t go through at all, so if we get banned from the US of A that’s not such a… problem. As for customs, that was a nightmare. Actually we weren’t running legally at all.” Strop chuckled. “I got the approval on the basis we were accredited to run in a stock car event and Toothless was supposed to ride there on a trailer. Except I tried doing this with five days’ notice, so we had to kind of use ‘alternative’ avenues and ‘a sum of money’ to get permission. And a lot of pointed questions from US customs when we rocked up. And best part yet, this guy here,” more pointing at Kai, “Already has a bit of a history with the TSA folks, so I actually registered Toothless under my name, so this time it was me copping four hours of questions in the office.”

By this point Deb was shaking her head, one hand rubbing forehead. “That’s something else. And a lot of trouble, just so you could drive a car until it broke down. Musta really loved that car.”

“Yeah. He’s a car guy through and through.” Strop ruffled Kai’s hair.

“I meant you, going to all that trouble for him.”

Strop blinked. “What? Oh! Yeah nah, he… deserves this much.” Strop trailed off and fidgeted, and the rest of the trip was shrouded in the silence of the thrum of the road.


Piles of fenced car corpses and spare parts greeted them at the wreckers. The truck stopped and Deb killed the engine, hopping out to greet the stereotypically grizzled bearded greasy coverall wearing man with a gut with an entire family in tow. This time, this was precisely what Strop had expected.

“If it isn’t my favourite delivery girl!” The man spread his arms wide.

“Clay! How you been you ole dog?” Deb exclaimed, exchanging customary hugs.

“Up to my ole tricks,” he laughed, before gesturing to his similarly proportioned wife. “Abbey, come fix our guests some lemonade while I take care of this business.” But Abbey was already on it, leading Deb into the office while openly and loudly chatting about Clay’s prostate problem.

“Huh? Wha-?” Kai mumbled as he was dragged out of the cabin by Strop. “Look alive, incoming!” He was bundled into the clearing where he immediately perked up, right before being swarmed by a gaggle of kids curious about his fire hair and matching jacket. Having saved himself just in time from the curiosities of being a horse guy, Strop was a bit relieved to take point and go over the arrangements with Clay.

“Thanks for accommodating our, er, request,” Strop opened.

“Not a problem,” Clay boomed, “We actually do these every now and then, especially for the unsalvageables. And yours,” he thumbed at Toothless, “Is just that. We don’t got no cars here with matching panels, engine, engine parts or any components at all really. And it’s wrong-hand drive. So yeah, just tell us what you need and we can get started.”

Strop realised that he wasn’t quite sure that he had everything, so he and Clay went to extricate a somewhat revitalised Kai from the gaggle, which had somehow latched to each and every one of his limbs. “Hey Kai, what else do we need for this Viking funeral thing?”

“Ohh,” Kai dusted himself off. “Well, I guess for a proper Viking Funeral you’d need some horses. And slaves.”

Strop and Clay boggled momentarily, before Strop recovered and glared at Kai. “Very funny. What do we really need, here, and now, that wouldn’t constitute a violation of people rights?”

“Let’s see.” Kai counted them off on his fingers. “Fire. Music. Alcohol, maybe. A possession to take to the next world.”

Strop produced a jerry can of petrol, Kai’s lighter, the UE Boom, a crate of beer, and Kai’s basic toolkit. “Done, done, done and done. Let’s do this thing.”


The scene was set. As the sun started to set off the West Coast, a makeshift pyre had been built, Toothless in the middle of it all, windows down. Along the edges of the clearing, Deb had decided to stick around, and the wrecking family were all here to witness the occasion. The kids loved a good bonfire, after all. To kick the service off, he started playing the first song on the playlist while passing around the beers (not for the kids, obviously.)

Strop finished dousing the interior with petrol, then placed the can inside. Kai came forward, placing his toolbox in the rear seat before retreating to his designated spot. Strop glanced at Kai, making sure he wasn’t looking, before fishing a pine-tree shaped air-freshener out of his pocket and slipping it in amongst the gifts.

“Sorry about gassing up your upholstery,” he muttered.

With preparations complete, he took out Kai’s lighter, before a wicked idea took form. “Hey, Kai, you want me to-” he pointed his butt end at Toothless, hovering the lighter suggestively.

Kai looked offended.

“Okay okay, sorry, not like I was gonna do it anyway,” Strop conceded. But as he straightened the thin keening of a strangled fart sneaked out from between his cheeks. Disaster thus narrowly averted, he stepped back and cleared his throat.

"We are here to witness the passage of Toothless, plucky Corolla and trusty mount of Kai Kristensen. I, uh, know we teased you for your foibles, and for what Kai subjected you to, but we also know you even ailed by age and illness, you served bravely and to the last. And Kai loved you so, as much as a guy can love a car without it becoming improper and spoiling the petrol.

“Your mortal coil may have broken, well, the front left one specifically, but your will lives on, strong and undaunted. Please accept these gifts, and take with you our gratitude, as we commend your spirit to the Valkyries. May they guide you to Auto, uh, Valhalla. Go now, and rest in peace.”

Having finished his speech, Strop set the pyre alight. The kindling had barely begun to burn when it caught on the petrol, and with a whoosh, Toothless was ablaze.

On the other side from the audience, Kai and Strop stood shoulder to shoulder, watching as the flames licked at the panels, peeling the paint, scorching the body, consuming the seats and the padding. Inexorably, the pyre began to collapse, folding upon itself, crumbling down while the sun vanished and the daylight fled, until there was nothing left to burn except ash and smouldering embers.

As one they tipped their beers on the ground. Exchanging a silent nod, they turned and walked towards the darkness. Clay and Abbey’s kids started chasing after the redhead, but was corralled by their parents and Deb. “Leave them be, that was their friend.”

Standing by the roadside, Strop fiddled with his phone, surreptitiously emailing Bianca the video he took of Toothless going up in flames. Aaaaaaaand send. She would be relieved. Kai would have been horrified, but he didn’t need to know. So he also deleted the video.

“Thanks, by the way.” Kai finally spoke a complete sentence.

Strop frowned. “For what?”

“For doing all this.” He vaguely gestured. “Stuff. And going to all that trouble.”

“It’s the least I can do dude, seriously” Strop shrugged, before muttering, “Shoulda known you weren’t actually asleep… Anyway. We’ve pretty much done what we came here to do, so what you wanna do now, Kai?”

Kai mulled it over. “Hire a car. Finish this thing. Get hammered.”

Strop punched some numbers into his phone. “Sounds good to me.”