#Team Flaming Fart Cannon
Introduction | Previous Post
Having been soundly defeated by Luke’s train horn (get it??? ), Kai and Strop sat in stunned silence. Well, silence, because their ears were ringing and they couldn’t hear shit. What was actually playing was this:
“YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, YOU DO THE SPEED LIMIT, YOU GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY” Kai yelled, still not quite back to normal, before shifting down and kicking it up a notch. One nice thing about American highways compared to Melbourne was that there were a hell of lot less of those idiots who thought the overtaking lane was for driving at exactly the same speed as everybody else despite the signs clearly stating otherwise. Of course, Australia wasn’t huge on the ‘flow of the traffic’ rules, either.
Before long, they were well out of sight of everybody else and not passing anybody they’d seen on the ferry.
“We seem to be in front,” Strop remarked, jostled in his seat as Toothless wove through traffic on the fast lane, slow lane, and sometimes the runoff. Four, five, six hours of this constantly was starting to wear on him as the sun started to dip over the horizon.
“Awww yeah, winning!”
“What I meant was, I think we should take a break.” Kai’s head snapped around like a suprising boxing glove out of a booby-trapped wall.
“But. We are winning.”
This was the moment when Strop realised what it was like to sit in the same seat as a race-driver in race mode who only knew one mode: attack. There was no impish glint in Kai’s eye now, it was just a burning fire, or molten lava running through his blood and consuming everything in its path. There would be no stopping him, not before either he, or the car died, and even then Strop would probably have to pry the wheel out of his cold dead hands.
Oh well, nothing for it but to grit his teeth and wait this one out. What to do when they inevitably had to stop, however, that was another matter entirely.
Headbanging with the bass pumping and watching the coast and forest go by was a great feeling. Headbanging while one’s bladder was overfull was not the best. Then there was the roads being so docile and mostly straight and stuff (even if it wasn’t). And then there was the fact that Toothless didn’t have the best legroom ever and Strop had long legs.
“Kai, are we gonna stop anytime soon, the fuel indicator is on.”
“It’s good, it’s always like that!”
“No, I mean, we gotta stop soon, my ass hurts and I’m pretty sure I got a fucking DVT and I’m about to piss on your upholstery.”
“Don’t you dare!”
“I won’t, if you pull the fuck over!”
Just then, the soundtrack died. “Out of Charge”, the UE Boom intoned, before falling definitively silent.
“And we’re out of tune juice and I gotta charge the battery.”
“Mmmm…” Kai’s face fell abit at the loss of the tunes. “Then charge em in the lighter, right?”
“Kai, if we run out of fuel, I’m not walking twenty miles to the gas station.”
“Okay okay! We’ll fill up at the next town.”
“We’re currently passing through an entire town! And I’m hungry! And there’s like a nice harbour view and shit!”
“God you’re a whiner! We’ll fill up at the next town!”
On the narrow bridge passing through Aberdeen, Toothless started veering, perilously close to thumping the barriers and oncoming traffic. Inside, Strop and Kai were having a slap fight.
“PULL OVER OR SO HELP ME I WILL PISS IN YOUR CAR.”
“DO IT, I DARE YOU, YOU’LL PISS YOURSELF FIRST.”
“I GOTTA LOTTA PISS, IT’S GONNA BE EVERYWHERE.”
The 101 turned into a city road in Aberdeen, but Kai kept his foot down, screeching through the left hander ignoring the signals, barging past the dinner time traffic on the on-ramp, and onward. And so it went, for the next half hour, for there was no town for a good long while, until Raymond. And then there it was, a Chevron sign! Strop pulled Kai by the collar.
“FUEL. PISS. FOOD. NOW. Or I eject the gearbox by shifting us into reverse.”
“OKAY OKAY Geeze.” At this point, Toothless had decided for the both of them, for it too had enough. The engine sputtered, coughed, and then expired.
“Great, nice one.” Strop grumbled. “Probably all the crap and bilge and sludge from 15 years of service just got sucked into the injectors and fouled them up.” He unbuckled, and didn’t even bother closing the door before sprinting for the outhouse.
“Oh you,” Kai simpered, before sauntering off. “You’re so grumpy when you’re about to piss yourself.”
Several minutes later, the car was in a bay, Kai at the pump and washing the bug splattered windows, and Strop was inside buying food and accessories. The moment Strop had finished the tasks at hand, a bolt of realisation struck him, and he blasted through the doors at full pelt, only to see Kai clambering back into the drivers seat.
“OH NO YOU DON’T MUTHAFUCKA” he yelled, drawing the stares of just about everybody else at the station. But by the time they looked up, he was already halfway across the station, homing in on Kai, who had just sat down, was putting the key in the ignition and was just about to close the door.
There was no hesitation. With a warcry (whinny?) Strop dove headfirst through the passenger window, face and shoulders smashing into Kai, who yelped as they blasted back out through the driver’s door and tumbled out, ending up tangled in the pump hoses.
“What the fuck man, my jacket!” Kai protested, although his beloved red MEPHISTO jacket, the custom item that the company had made along with the gift of his infamous scarlet hypercar killer, was several years worn and already pretty tatty so no real harm done. By the time he’d finished thinking about that, Strop had prised open his fingers, swiped the keys, tied him up in the ropes just a bit more to slow him down, and esconced himself in the driver’s seat, where he had shut and locked the door, and was in the process of putting fresh batteries in the UE Boom.
“Get in the passenger seat,” Strop commanded.
“Hey, no fair, you stole the only good seat!” Kai put his best pouty face on, the one that Bianca couldn’t resist, so she merely mashed her palm into his face every time he pulled it.
Strop, however, was not Kai’s girlfriend. “Get in the fucking passenger seat.”
Kai folded his arms and huffed. “No.”
In the background, Strop’s pointy ears acutely informed him that the crowd, observing the mayhem and confusion plus the confrontational nature of their mega douche car had generated the presumption that he was a criminal thug, Kai was a hostage, and they should call the cops. Or something. He hoped nobody here was armed, but hey, this was the US of A, so probably everybody was. Fuck.
“The cops are gonna come and this car sticks out worse than a cross-dressing vegan Satan-worshipping African-American in Mississippi, so get your ass in here or I’m leaving you behind.”
“Let the cops come, you’ll get caught. Only I can outrun the cops.”
“NOT IN TOOTHLESS YOU WON’T. I’M LEAVING NOW! BRÅM BRÅM!” With that Strop gunned the engine and revved it. Grudgingly, Kai extricated himself from the hoses. Then he sat himself on the windshield. Directly in front of Strop.
“Fuck it, good enough,” Strop muttered, before putting the car into gear and burning the hell outta there.
Several minutes later, and Kai had finally migrated to the passenger seat, only because Strop clearly wouldn’t stop and it was getting really hard to hang onto the A pillar whenever Strop turned left. Which he was doing a lot of, in a parking lot, because he wanted Kai off the damn windshield before the cops really pulled them over. So Kai sat, sulking, with his knees somehow higher than his face. On the plus side, this meant he took control of the playlist, so he had booted up a change of pace:
Strop sighed. “What the fuck is this, it sounds like a cat getting strangled.”
Kai merely started singing, off-key and loud (his only way of singing, incidentally), along to it.
WHAT IF WE WERE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER
WHAT IF YOU WERE MEANT TO BE THE ONE
I COULD HIDE A MILLION YEARS…
He then fixed Strop with a baleful stare. “Come on bro. I’m the one for Toothless. Gimme the wheel.”
It was Strop’s turn: “No.”
“I’m going to steal the keys off you when you sleep.”
Strop grit his teeth while continuing his search for a hotel out of town. “No. No you won’t.”
“You can’t stop me.”
“Yes I can. I’ll hide the keys up my butt. You’ll never want to touch them again.”
“I dare you. I’ll get them back! I have gloves!”
“I WILL! I will do it!”
“Come at me bro!”
“No, YOU come at me bro, coz I’ll have the keys up my ass!”
“I’ll tell everybody you shoved the keys up your ass and you have a key-in-butt fetish.”
“I’ll tell Bianca you’re being a dickburger!” Strop fixed Kai with a stare. He had one there. Kai had already used up his girlfriend trump by sending E the pants down photo before they even left. The telltale flinch of Kai’s face told Strop as much.
“I don’t care,” Kai said, eyes averted. “What can she do.”
“You’ll be in trouble! And then she won’t let you do stuff by yourself anymore! And she’ll yell at you, and we all know she’s looooud!”
Strop had won. Kai’s fixed stare had told him everything. “Fine. But I’m still taking the keys back.”
“Good!” Strop huffed smugly, and turned off the main road into a side street. “We’re stopping at the Seaquest,” he announced with finality. Better yet, the parking was really off the street in an alley, so nobody would really see their stupid douchemobile, not that it mattered since probably everybody had already seen it and worst case scenario, they’d wake up to being all over the local news and have the cops searching for their thug asses.
p.s. good lord this duo is childish… the most immature of the bunch here I think. Y’all old sensible farts…
Edit 2: @TheBobWiley freeeeeeeebiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiird