The Kinda Grand Tour [FINALE]

Team Bamford

Day 0 in the park

" Well look at that pops, we made it to America after all!" yelled Jason from a cab of a tilt-tray with the Bamford on the back.
Ken had been skeptical about their chances in the 3cyl Bamford and it wasn’t until some days from the event start that his grandson had told him that the event was taking place in America and he was expected to pay for the air freight and airline tickets, because after all, he was the “rich guy”
Simon grinned as he and Phillip finished unloading the Bamford from the tilt-tray.
“Look at this!” moaned Phillip “Someone’s dinged the door in!” he continued.
“I wish someone would ding your heads in” muttered Ken as he slowly eased himself into his tent
“That’s not the right attitude to have man, you should be thrilled that we’ve given you the chance to compete in this event”
“The chance!” roared Ken with mocking laughter “That’s bloody great! Look at us, three teens and some old bastard sleeping in a broken mongrel of a car in a park full of people even stranger than you three!”
“At least you didn’t have to ride with those two in the truck” put in Simon “That driver was ready to do his block if they’d kept going on”
“Oh yes Simon, how lucky I was that I had to pay for three separate plane flights so I could die in a junker instead of my nice warm house! AND FOR YOUR…”
Ken was silenced by a car howling into the campgrounds.
“Damn, that thing sounds serious!” chuckled Phillip as he hopped into the Bamford and turned the key.
Silence, save for the car that was finding a place to park.
“Did you flick those switches you put in?” asked Jason
“Sure did” replied Phil, as he flicked the six pointless ignition switches on and off along the row they made on the dashboard.
The key was cranked again and the faint sound of starter motor whining was heard, along with a metallic grinding sound.
“It’s F****ed” said Ken, promptly zipping the flap of his tent shut.
Phil bounced in his seat as he cranked the car over for a third time, the noises continued until the engine roared into life, chuffing wildly.
“Is that running right?” called a voice
“Sure is!” replied Phil, smiling even as he heard chuckling from the direction that the question came from.
“Sounds like something with the starter and gearbox, probably the same thing that stops us from reversing” said Simon
Phil just smiled “She’ll be alright, it’s probably the homemade clutch assembly and all that jazz, just needs a bit of TLC”
“Which we can’t do, it’s late enough as it is and we’ve got to try and get some sleep before this does our heads in”

So the brave British lads locked up their prized possession and went to their tents, Phillip was the only one with a single shred of optimism that night, because he’d bought this car and he was going to make damn sure that it finished the event, come hell or high water.

Phil slept in the back of the car that night and spent some time telling the car how well it was going to do, how they’d do their very best and when it was all said and done, how he’d take it back home to England to restore it.

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Sorry, I’m running a bit behind. I’m going to start from:

#Day -5

Stroppy McHorseguy, lead design of Gryphon Gear, stepped outside his glass-partitioned office, joints cracking as he stretched his shoulders. The view may be good, but there was something about the open space of the balcony overlooking the rest of the R&D and prototype warehouse that restored in him that extra pep, that bit of inspiration that allowed him to nut out those really troublesome details. Like how to shape the headlights so that they conformed to ADR 46/00 but were still consistent with the design language of an apocalyptic hypercar, not to mention slotted in just so they didn’t interrupt the airflow thr- just thinking about it more was giving him a headache. Time to look at the bigger picture, and that meant hunching over the railing, arms folded, with a vacant stare plastered over his face.

Not five seconds later, a certain Kai Kristensen, senior (he would like to think sole) test driver and ace (and actually sole factory) race driver, slouched next to him. He was putting on such nonchalant airs that Strop was convinced that he was thinking about something very specific, but of course, when it came to very specific things that Kai felt strongly about, talking to him about it was about as easy as talking to a girl who was mad at you but required you to read their mind as to why otherwise it didn’t count, or so Strop imagined. Not that Strop actually did have this problem with his girlfriend, which, in this case, merely meant that he wasn’t Kai-trained. Or was he?

“'sup Crash.” Strop opened with something safe and casual.

“Mmmm.” This was about expected.

“Something on your mind?”

“Mmmm.” Kai’s bottom lip pouted out an extra few millimeters, the sure tell, but naturally, no more sounds were forthcoming. Time to start the song and dance.

“Wanna talk about it?”

“It’s fine.” On cue, the shoulders hunched a little more. But also on cue, there was a little crack in the corner of his mouth and a twinkle in the corner of his eye. Strop did his best to keep his head forward, which was quite easy, actually, because his eyes being set where they were, he could easily look in all directions wherever his head was pointed.

“No seriously, we’ve been over this before, it’s no good if you don’t talk about what’s on your mind.”

“Mmm, I’m fine.”

There was silence for precisely three seconds. Then ninja fast (or so Strop liked to think), he lunged for Kai, who yelped and pulled back, leaving his legs wide open. Two seconds later, Strop was dangling Kai by the ankles over the railing.

“Come on, spit it out son, or I’ll shake it outta you!”

“Okay okay!” Kai yelled, drawing the stares of the crew machining parts for the new crash mule. He held his hands up, palms open. "I’ll tell! But you better pull your pants up first, you’re flashing the entire floor.

Strop looked down. Indeed, as everybody could clearly appreciate, his pants had fallen down, which was impossible since his pants were definitely buttoned up, except for the fact that they weren’t. What. By reflex, he started to bend over to pick them up-

“WAIT WAIT WAIT pull me back up first you dickhead or you’ll kill our only driver!” Now quite flustered, Strop swore a blue streak as he hauled Kai over and dumped him unceremoniously on the metal grating of the balcony, hopping clumsily out of view while pulling his pants up. After taking three times as long as he normally would while trying to shut out the howls of laughter coming from the floor below, he finally straightened up and fixed Kai with a death stare, but Kai was too busy playing with his phone to notice. Wait, was that his phone, or his phone.

“Aaaaaaaand send!” Kai handed Strop’s phone back to him. Strop looked at the screen, to find that it had just finished sending his girlfriend, E, a photo of his tighty whities clad butt with his pants round his ankle.

“Noooooooooo!” Strop clumped forward, ready to exact painful retribution of Kai, but Kai jumped and scampered vertially up the water pipe until he was perched on the air duct a good ten feet above. Strop was quite sure he could do it too, only if he did, the whole thing would probably collapse and kill everybody. “Get back here you asshole!” he snapped, knowing full well that it was futile. Kai laughed at him.

“You know, I was gonna tell you anyway. Next time maybe you should just ask.”


“You want to WHAT?” Strop doubletaked halfway through a mouthful of salad, spraying bits of half chewed lettuce on the table and over Kai.

Kai was too excited to even pay attention to the lettuce now on his hoodie. “I want to buy Toothless back!”

“But… but why!?”

“Because!” Kai grinned. “He’s not done yet, he’s still got one more ride in him, and until then I don’t think he’s going to rest!”

“Let me get this right.” Strop finished chewing, swallowed, took a breath, then stared at Kai. “You want to buy Toothless back. Then take it for a road trip. From which Toothless will certainly not return. And we’ll be riding in it.”

Kai nodded so vigorously his head left an afterimage.

“I-” Strop then thought about his next words, which would have been: “I think this is a dumb idea and you’re nuts.” But they knew that already, and he was a bit wary of any further redundancies leaving gaps for Kai to play tricks on him. He figured maybe it’d be easier to skip all the preamble and just agree to go. “Ok seriously for the record this is a dumb idea and you’re nuts but it’s not like me not going is going to make it any better, besides, if you die, Hannah will kill the rest of us.”

“Yay!” Kai flailed and then offered his fist. “Fistbump.” Strop rolled his eyes and offered his own fist. “Now let’s go find Toothless! Didn’t we sell him to that vegan hippie guy?”


#Day -3

Kai’s memory was correct. More precisely, they had sold Toothless for the princely sum of 500 bucks to the vegan hippie guy who had just then returned from Nepal, where he had spent his semester break alpaca herding. Something about broadening one’s horizons through experiences. And Free Tibet. And so the next day, they found themselves sitting in a Lentil As Anything outlet, with Strop eyeing the lentil curry while they kept watch for a tall lanky Caucasian male with brown dreads and a Bob Marley beanie and Che Guevara T-shirt, which was to say, about 50% of the clientele. But that was precisely the kind of guy who wouldn’t care what the car was like if it ran, and it was cheap. Which was just as well, since Toothless had been riced beyond all recognition, and had been given the Kai-approved Hoon-Toon, which was precisely the reason that GG decided he needed to get rid of it and replace it with that lovely unicorn piece, the Cisalpina Scattante. Which was why Strop was a bit surprised that the guy was willing to sell the car back, when he got it for so cheap.

“Umm, hi, excuse me.” A tall lanky caucasian guy with dreads and a Bob Marley hat and Che Guevara T-shirt slid into the seat opposite Strop and Kai. “Strop and Kai? I’m Devin, you sold me the… car.”

“Namaste,” Strop smirked. “Are you actually interested in selling us the car back?”

“Well, actually, yes, yes I am.” Devin fidgeted, clearly uncomfortable. “Well, it’s not like I actually want to sell the car, I mean, it’s all I got now but…”

“Oh no, what happened to my baby?” Kai leaned over the table, almost mashing his face into Devin’s stubbly one. “Did you crash? Did the hose burst? Is there rust? CV joint? IS HE OK???” Strop had to pull him back into his seat. “Sorry, Devin. Go on.”

“No, no, the car runs… fine. I was actually going to keep it and restore it a bit and convert to biofuel and give it a fresh coat of paint.” Strop immediately clamped his hand on Kai’s mouth, muffling out his enraged would-be screams of DON’T YOU DARE. “But?”

“But, you know the whole Centrelink robodebt thing?”

“Oh yeah, that.” Only the latest, biggest debacle in the Government’s ongoing War Against Poor And Young People, where about fifty thousand people were falsely accused of ripping off taxpayers via an automated letter. Strop could see where this was going now.

“Yeah, when I got back from Nepal I got this letter saying I owed them like two grand and I was shitting myself man, they said they overpaid my Newstart and they wanted it back or they were gonna send people over man. I’m freaking out! I don’t have two grand! And so I tried calling them but of course they wouldn’t answer and like, I dunno what I’m gonna do, all my housemates got the same letter too, we’re so broke.” Devin clasped his hands together. “Sorry man, I know it’s not, like, your problem, but, that money would be a lifesaver right now.”


And so it was that Toothless once again changed hands for precisely the same sum, five hundred bucks. It wouldn’t have gone for a cent more, not with its resplendent hand-painted flame decals, lidded green tinted headlights (of questionable road legality), completely stupid splitter and massive touring car wing, and of course, those hideous neon pink aftermarket rims, which had nothing to do with the Toothless aesthetic, which, apparently, was kind of the point according to Kai.

“Ahhh, feel the powah!” Kai quipped ironically, as he wove his way through the streets of inner-city Melbourne. Literally wove, because apparently he wasn’t paying any attention to the road, traffic, or pedestrians, much to the horror of Strop.

“Kai, you’re on the wrong side of the road OH MY GOD NOW WE’RE MOUNTING THE KERB and oh Jesus fucking Christ you almost ran that hipster over was that intentional keep in mind the last guy who went off his nut and ran people over in the city got shot and that WAS ONLY FOUR MONTHS AGO hoooooly shit seriously fucking stop it.”

drawn both by my partner in crime, Cen, and myself

As luck would have it, they managed to get back to the garage with no further incident, no police actually spotted them, and hopefully, by the time anybody would think to submit dashcam footage to the cops, the car would be very far away. And possibly defunct. It was time for the trip of Toothless’ lifetime.


#Day -1

“Okay dear, I’ll be back in four days!” Strop kissed E as he walked out the door.

“Be safe and look after Kai!” E waved him off. “And love you.”

“Love you too!” Err, yes. Safe. Look after Kai. Strop checked his suitcase one more time, loaded with four days worth of clothes (just in case), including his thermal fleece (again just in case), his trusty First Aid kit, some belts and ties, an extra power supply for his phone and two USB cables, and a few packets of instant food. Should be enough, hopefully. ID and passport, check. Papers and permits, check. Now he could only hope Kai was suitably prepared (which he very much doubted, but one can dream). Now, strategically, he would call the Taxi and ride to Kai’s place, because there was no fucking way he was showing E the car they planned to do this trip in.

Stepping out of the taxi, Strop immediately saw some reason for optimism: Kai’s girlfriend (fiancée? since Kai had sort-of-joking-not-joking proposed when they got back together and they still weren’t sure), Bianca, was just getting out of Toothless. She must be between expeditions.

“Hey, Bianca, good to see you again!” Strop said, for once without any trace of sarcasm or irony whatsoever.

“And dat’s how we roll, BIATCH!” Bianca drawled, pointing finger guns at Strop, whose face promptly fell as he realised she had been infected by the Kai virus. “Eh, sorry, Strop.” She corrected, resuming her normal Brit lilt. “It’s the car. Every time I ride in it, I feel like a gangster, and not the good kind.”

“Hey!” Kai pouted.

“You know full well that the only reason I’m approving of this trip is because I know it’s going to be the last time I ever see this car!” Bianca glared daggers at Kai. Then once again her expressioned softened as she kissed Kai on the cheek. “Now you drive safe, okay?”

“I will!” Kai nodded, again, very vigorously.

“Pfft. Yeah, right,” Strop snorted, before immediately regretting it as Bianca turned the dagger stare onto him. “You better be right.”

With that, Kai lugged the toolkit into the car, followed by a duffel bag that no doubt Bianca had insisted he bring along. Systems check, fuel check, kick the tyres check. The internals were 250,000km old and ratty and god knows what the bolt-on turbo had done to it, but as far as they were concerned, it was in a condition to at least start. Where it went from there, well, that was for them to hang on and find out.


ok I’ll come back and do Day 0 tomorrow, plus rehash all the important particulars. Things will be much briefer from here!

11 Likes

Phil and the car’s love story: Still a better love story than Twilight

#Team ‘Southend or Bust’
Original Post - Previous Post

The story so far: Three uni students back at it again on a driving-based excursion. This time they’re in an imported orange Erin Merna, and they’re really going to try to not annoy the rest of the competitors.

“I just want to know why you chose a smaller car” queried James, again.
“Because it was the best I could find” replied Martin, again.
“What, you couldn’t find another Berlose? There’s barely any space in this thing!” - James was getting frustrated now.
Martin turned to him, his face visibly annoyed. “James, this car is in great condition, it was cheap and I can fix it easily. That’s all that matters”.
Seb came over, eating some crisps. “Good fucking god you two. Why don’t you both get down on one knee and marry each other so you argue like the married couple you are”.
Both James and Martin turned to him, confused. They both knew how annoying they were being, yet somehow there was something slightly enjoyable about arguing.
“Screw this, I’m off to scout out the competition” said Martin. They had only just arrived, after all.

Martin came back a little while later. James and Seb had unpacked the tent and had some Radiohead playing out of the stereo. “What ho, Brabantio?” called Seb.
James burst out laughing, Martin paused, confused. “That’s a Shakespeare line, right?”
“Yep!” replied Seb, excitedly.
“I thought you were studying Geography?” asked James, still smiling. “Just never expected you to say that”.
“Mmm” mumbled Seb. “Anyway, what did you find Martin?”
Martin sat down having grabbed a can of something out of the boot. “Greasy Lightning are back, as are Twin-Snail. They’ve got a gorgeous Minerva this time, it’s in this dusty purple colour, and they apparently managed to get it in exchange for that Savage they were using last time, somehow”.
“Nice trade, I guess?” said James. “Let’s keep friendly with them, they were very helpful last time”.

“Yeah” Martin agreed. “There’s also some 80s silver wagon thing, plus an Ankomst Bil”
“A what?” asked Seb.
“An Ankomst Bil” - Martin struggled a bit to say it “Trust me, you’ll know when you see it, it looks like it sounds. They were the guys making a load of noise when they arrived, seems like they’ve got exhaust problems”
James chuckled. “Let’s hope that stays with them. Anything else worth noting?”
“There’s a red Bamford Advance which you can’t miss, and, er, the guys from Gryphon Gear”

Seb laughed. “Are they pretending to be them or something?”. James joined in.
Martin smiled awkwardly. “No, really. It’s them”.
Seb and James stopped. “What?” they asked?
“No kidding, Stroppy and Kai Kristensen are actually over there in one of those tents”

Seb’s heart sank a little. He’d always loved Le Mans and endurance racing in general; his dad took him to Le Mans when he was 8, where he had watched the likes of Dimension, Erin, KHT and Meliora battle it out in the LMP1 category. Last year, while AMWEC was on, he and the guys had been running a bet on who would win, and Seb had chose to back the GG-Znopresk team. James and Martin had thought he was mad, until they won every single race that season. Ever since, he’d been a massive fan of Mr Kristensen.

“I have to meet him” he blurted out suddenly. The other two turned to look at him. Seb got up immediately and headed over. “He’s my hero guys, come on!”.
Martin and James looked at one another and shrugged. “Just be ready for the car they’re driving” warned Martin…

6 Likes

TEAM OUTRIDERS

Day -1 Final leg of transit from Tatum Heights, MI to starting point:

Marc: I can’t believe you let that stupid d— in the car!

Luigi: I’m right here you know!

Marc: Wouldn’t have said anything if you weren’t.

Blake: Settle down you two, I brought Luigi along because I figured he could be a big help.

Marc: What’s he gonna do? Have his mob buddies fix the competition?

Luigi: I oughta have the mob whack you.

Marc: How about I call Homeland Security and have them deport your ass?

Luigi: What? Too cheap to buy me a ticket back to Italy? Big surprise!

Marc: (to Blake) You know he’s a spy right?

Blake: Oh really?

Marc: Yup. He came here to spy on us for Mussolini. Only he was too stupid to realize that when he came over in '89, Mussolini had been dead for 46 years! So he figured “I guess I can changa the oil!” And that’s how our headache began.

Luigi: Shut up before I force feed you a ham sandwich!

Blake: Man, I can’t imagine how you two would be if you actually hated each other.

Marc: Oh God, that reminds me, the new kid in the Parks department called HR on us.

Blake: What?

Luigi: Yeah, we were going back and forth like we usually do, and he goes on like “You can’t say shit like that! That’s wildly inappropriate!”

Marc: It’s a good thing Lisa knows the two of us. It was nuts!

Blake: That’s insane.

Marc: Now, why are we in this old jalopy again?

Blake: It survived the Roulette Runner, it can survive anything. I christen this car “Keith Richards”

Marc: Obviously you did some work on the motor.

Blake: Um, no I didn’t. I mean I wanted to, but the rebuild kit was on back order.

Marc: What? No, that’s impossible, this sounds way to good to be the same motor.

Blake: Well, I didn’t rebuild that engine, I never said it was still in the car.

Marc: Ah, that explains the deeper exhaust note, where’d you get a motor?

Blake: From the Stag Big Chief that was sitting in my backyard waiting on a new bed.

Marc: Jesus! Is that safe?

Blake: No, not at all.

Marc: That’s a 432, that thing’s enormous!

Blake: Yet still fit in the car, along with the transmission. Ironically less power, but enough torque we could pull down a telephone pole.

Luigi: If we were so inclined. I also picked up some spare brake parts and wheels for cheap off the city auction site. She’s now sporting Gen IV brakes and 17" wheels. Cop tires of course.

Marc: Hot damn! You guys went all out. How many miles on the motor?

Blake: 121,000 mostly highway. I used it to haul wood.

Marc: Man, I’m looking forward to this.

Day 0: Arrival at starting point.

Luigi: We made it!

Marc: I’m surprised, given that you drive like an old bitch!

Luigi: Forgive me for not having a badge to abuse while speeding! Maybe I’ll pick one up if I can find one for a good price.

Blake: We made it, that’s the important thing. Let’s get camp set up.

(The three men set to work putting up three individual pup tents, getting a fire going, and cooking dinner, in this case hot dogs.)

Luigi: Bah! More of this kosher shit!

Marc: Hey, feel free to starve if you want. Sorry we don’t have any cholesterol in marinara sauce for you.

(Luigi responds by letting Marc know he’s “Number One”

Blake: I always liked beef franks better anyway.

(The attention of the three men was immediately caught by the sound of a revving engine with no muffler)

Marc: Excuse me.

(Marc walks over to Team Clutch Droppers badge in hand)

Marc: Gentlemen! I trust you’ll get that exhaust leak fixed by morning?

(I would like to see TheBobWiley’s response to this.)

5 Likes

The Cowys

Ram: You already met me in the Roulette Runner with Evan in Team Yokai. The-metalhead-now-Monstercat-loving teen is back!

Nomade: You can call me Nomad or Nomade, it depends on where are you from, that’s how most people call me anyway. I’m a lover of the road, my motto is: “the road is my home”, the place I feel most comfortable is behind a wheel and three pedals. From where I came, Brazil, we don’t have much racing, most of it are drag racing or turismo for rich guys, so I learned how to race at the streets. I like every kind of car, because any car can be a race car, if you have the guts to race it.
Today I live in Europe, moving from country to country, and for now I’m staying with Ram.

■a month before start day■

Ram
Now we’d got the Surge in this faded orange back to our house. The clearcoat was peeling and the inside smelled seriously dusty but that wasn’t that surprising. I had no idea what to do with the car.

Saturday. About noon. I’m more bored than a coed that does porn instead of study stuck at a lecture on marine biology. Anyway, it’s blimmin hot and there’s no breeze. I’m a Norwegian, this isn’t weather, this is hell. Nomade of course is Brazilian so he’s largely unfazed by the conditions. He’s not even at home at the moment. I’m just lying here dying, slowly turning into a limp sack of dehydrated potatoes when a car crunches to a halt outside. Turning to my side, I jumped up and looked out. Nomade was back and there was something oddly shaped covered in a black cloth in the trailer. Taking the stairs down two at a time I grabbed the door handle before Nomade even reached the door. “'sup?” I quizzed, stepping out to inspect this black lump closely. He grinned and said just one word. “Odyssey.” Turning to look at him I felt the shit-eating grin growing on my face as well. “Oh yes, son.” He replied, “are you thinking​ what I’m thinking? You know where this is going?” Not even bothering to reply I put my hand up for a solid high five. This was going to be a right hoot even if things went wrong.

Nomade
Before we get ahead of ourselves we need to take a moment to plan and collect our wits. Ram was taking a look around the car, tapping body panels and checking on brakes and for broken glass and stuff like that. wew He let out a long whistle. “Any idea why this was so cheap? It’s not even in that bad of a condition, honestly.” I had to think for a moment but there wasn’t too much to it really. “It was always an affordable sports car, but nothing exotic. Unique but not insane. Like the V6, it’s meant to cater to it’s own niche but if you look at the mounting points Gamma has engineered it to suit the amateur mechanic as well. It’s simple but effective. Coincidentally it happens to be similar to the Odyssey engine as well in dimensions and mount locations, stuff like that. If you take out the engine it came with, people don’t see the appeal in the purchase anymore because it seems like a project car. Which makes it perfect for both us and anyone who wants a fantastic cheap quick car.”

Ram chuckled. “Funny how V6 minivans seem to always be inevitable for me, heh. Alright, I’ll get the tape and marker, let’s start measuring.”

Ram
UNNGBHH​ fuck my back. Holy fucking mother of sweet baby raptor Jesus why did I agree to this engine swap. That cunt of an engine weighed like several hundred kilos and swinging it about and aligning it and then doing up all the bolts to the right torque specs… hellish but fun in a masochistic way. Now we’ve a week to nurture ourselves back to health and we’re off on a drive to the start point. The engine is in, it runs, the fuel system, oil and cooling are hooked up. Spare battery ready. Lots of small parts and filters and shit also available. The interior needs a good once-over with a vacuum cleaner and we’ll be good to go.

After all that trouble that’s the car for you to see:

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Team Mountain Pass

Day -1

Working for Mountain Pass is hard work. Usually I’m stuffed into the back of an overpriced SUV, trying to snap pics of 'roid rager spec hot hatches or slideways coupes, with naught but my digital SLR between me and the blurred tarmac. So when I was sent over to the USA to build a car for the 24hrs of LeMons I felt my suffering for my art had been vindicated. Then the editors rang and made me aware of their secret plan: The LeMons car had to be ready for the Grand Tour as well!

I had just completed the various modifications to the ex-taxi Ambassador I’d sourced; Bogliq’s are cheap here in the US as they just weren’t embraced as a local, despite being built in a factory on US soil to this day! I hadn’t had time to fully shakedown the car so when I went to pick up Pierre and Andrew from the airport I was annoyed to notice that the ABS light was on and that under moderate braking there was a vibration coming from the front wheels… Damn!!! There was no time to worry about it though, the tour started tomorrow and there was no time for me to pull the wheels off and check.

Day One

Everyone piled into the car early in the morning so we could head out to the State Park starting line and ensure we had plenty of time to size up our competition as well as get ourselves signed off by the Tour’s organisers. The Bogliq was in fine form, a little slow but purring like a kitten. As soon as we arrived Pierre and Andrew scarpered in different directions to scope out the talent and I did a final check of all the Ambassador’s vitals and all seemed to be in order so I moved the car into position, ready for the Tour to begin…

7 Likes

Between Strop’s drawing and Bobloblaw’s dialogue, I’m dying over here.

1 Like

I’ll just ‘air’ this little bit of information: If people do the loud music thing this time, Luke has a three-tone surprise under the hood of the Midnight.

Not that I’m discouraging such things, though. The air horns will be used, probably rather very often. And beware tunnels, because I’ve got ‘low’ and ‘high’ modes for volume…

1 Like

Oh believe me there will be air horn and loud music from over here.

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Just remember that Marc Levinstein is a cop, and has no qualms about notifying local authorities.

2 Likes

Previous Post || Next Post

Team: Clutch Droppers

Day 0 - response

After pulling into the Park and making complete fools of ourselves with the unmuffled exhaust, we were feeling pretty good. However, just after we finished parking some older dude from one of the other camps came over to us. He had a badge in his hand and wanted to know why our car was so loud.

Now if he had not had a badge we would have ribbed him a bit about being some “old man” that can’t handle how awesome our car is. But having respect… and fear… for officers of the law we all came to attention real quick.

Bob: O, I am sorry officer, I think the muffler came unhooked as we were pulling into the park area, we will get it fixed before the start of the race tomorrow. We have a pretty crappy exhaust on this thing and it is giving us some trouble… sir.

Jason and Ryan: snickering at my groveling Yes sir, we will get it looked at first thing in the morning, but we are beat for the day.

As the officer walked away we gave each other stupid/scared smiles.

Bob: I guess the fun police are in town… which may make our balls-out strategy a bit dangerous. O well, we will deal with it as it comes.


Day 1 - Morning

In order to get the car ready for the first leg of the journey, we decided to wake up at the crack of dawn, about 5:30 am. The first thing we did was get our fire from the previous night relit and start cooking up some bacon and eggs. When we stopped in Seattle the day before we picked up a few perishable items for today’s meals, knowing they would not keep very well in the car. Last night’s low temperature kept our bacon and eggs cool enough to cook up for breakfast, which made for a pleasant start to the day. Once breakfast was wrapped up we topped off the car’s oil yet again and quickly clamped the exhaust pipe back to the muffler to keep Officer No-Fun, happy.

After some final pre-flight checks were done and last night’s emptied beer cases were discarded, we were ready for the race to get underway. Although, the aforementioned numerous empty beer cases were making it more difficult than usual to function so early in the morning. The thrill of the coming days was enough to keep Ryan and I focused, cutting through the haze and weariness of the past few days.

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Team Riot Uncontrol Day -X

Aaron finally lifted his head out the trunk.
“And can we put our things in it ?” Paul asked.
“Mrghrg Mrgh”
“The Gasmask Aaron”
Quickly Aaron lifts the Mask
“When all the bleach drys, yes. I wouldn’t put food into it though”
“We got the whole backseat for that”
“Sure. Did you check the engine "
“YES, I have and I even improved the car !”
Aaron slaps his forehead
“What have you done…”
“I hoped you gonna ask this !”
Happy like a child on Christmas eve, Paul climbed into the driving seat.
“Listin to this”


“HEHEHEHE”
Paul was giggeling like a school girl
“You spend 4 hours on a new horn ?”
Aaron was not impressed with the work of his brother
“OH COME ON. At least i manged to get it installed”
“4 hours ?”
“Well first i read the instruction in French, which was complicated, then i saw the German one, but that was butchered in translation and THEN”
Aaron interrupted " FOUR HOURS”
“It was hard okay…”
Aaron goes to the open hood and takes a look into the engine bay.
“Start the engine”
“Huh?”
“Start the car”
“Um Sure”, with that Paul turns the ignition key.

“Yep… Nice Work”
The horn still proceeds to loop itself.
“You can stop it now.”
The car and with that the horn stops
“So what now Aaron ?” Paul asked
Aaron removes his gloves and throws them into Paul’s Face.
" I gonna get some coffee and then another one…"

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(Preface: those of you who have not done your intros and wish to do so and RP up to the driver’s meeting, go ahead and do so in your next post)

Drivers’ Meeting, Friday, 11:00am

“Good morning to you all, and welcome to the Kinda Grand Tour! I see we’ve got all kinds of rides here. Less of a car show and more of a graveyard. That’s exactly how we like it!” the event chair smiled at all the participants, barely holding back a cackle. “We’re passing out the waypoint sheets now. You must check in at and take a picture with your car at each of the required points on this list. Pretty much everything else is up to you. There is no group camp. No requirements on how, when, or where you rest, as long as it’s legal. There will be two winners at the end; the team that makes it the full distance the fastest, and the team that makes it the full distance closest to the average time. At the end, there will be food, fun, and festivities. So get your junkers ready, hold 'em together, and we’ll see you at the end!”

(The event organizers proceed to line up all of the cars at the park exit. A few minutes before the start, they block off the cross-traffic from the left so that all cars can make it unimpeded on to the first road. At noon, the flag drops…)

Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Friday, Noon - 2PM

Weather Conditions: 63 degrees, partly cloudy.

This first section ran down I5 to SR20, west to the Coupeville ferry terminal. All teams made it on to the Salish, avoiding a 45 minute wait for the second ferry.

VicVictory:
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, last row of vehicles at the stern.

@yurimacs
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, last row of vehicles at the stern.

@Fayeding_Spray
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the bow.

@Madrias
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, amidships

@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the bow.

@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +1 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the bow.

@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +1 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the bow.

@Mikonp7
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, amidships.

@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the bow.

@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the stern.

@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the stern.

@strop
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the bow.

@stm316
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, amidships.

@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, amidships.

@abg7
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the stern.

@rileybanks
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +1 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, first row of the bow.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, first row of the bow.

@Rk38
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the stern.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the stern.

@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 86 mi OD: 86 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +0 Notes: Passed POI (Deception Pass Bridge). Currently docked at Coupeville Terminal, loaded on the ferry M/V Salish, near the stern.

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

“C’mon, Fuzz. Take the picture and let’s get out of here!” Jen barked.

“Hold your horses, sis! Perfection takes time.”

“We don’t have time. We’ve got to get to the ferry dock before it leaves! It’s a 45 minute wait for the next boat!”

Fuzz snapped the shot and bolted for the car. He was barely down, the door not even closed, before Rick slammed his foot on the pedal and the turbocharged Suzume engine whizzed to life. Fuzz slammed the door shut and laughed. “No leaving me behind, Jen. Dad would be pissed.”

“He’ll get over it,” she snorted. “And maybe you’ll finally learn who’s boss.”

“You think you can take me?”

“No, I know I can. Hey Rick, want to take a picture of me putting him in a headlock and giving him a noogie?”

Rick smirked. “Maybe later. We’ve got a boat to catch.” He carefully attenuated the throttle with his foot; the Chancellor’s cruise control system couldn’t be adapted to the Suzume engine, thus control was a rather artistic endeavor. “So where’s the first checkpoint again?”

“Fort Worden State Park,” Fuzz blurted before Jen could reach for the waypoint list. "It’s supposed to be close to the dock on the other side of the water.

“Right. Onward!”

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##Team Artiseros

Ernie: Well its go time.It is partly cloudy.

Aldren: When that guy said “the team that makes it the full distance the fastest or closest to the average time”,
that probably means the end of our journey before we start.

Ernie:Ahhh shut it Aldren! The point of this challenge is to just enjoy the whole journey,not just to win and all those stuff.

Aldren: I suppose your right.Say we dont have a cassette,but i bought a small radio with a couple of CD’s.

Ernie: Go play it! It is kinda getting boring

Aldren:OK

Aldren puts a disc in


Ateri: What is this shit?(waking up from drunkness)

Aldren:looks at back seats oh just music

Ateri: Bah! Would rather listen to Eurobeat or something drinks sake.

Ernie: Quit whining over there! Buckle up boys,the trip has just started.
Aldren puts next disc

Miles have passed for the trio in their convertible just the usual, then they stopped and took a picture of the view when they were on the Deception Pass Bridge





Aldren: Its probably time to go catch that boat.With that car developing less than 100 hp we probably wont make it.

Ernie: Not without me on the driver’s seat

The trio rushed to the boat,just in time to be with a pack of cars which seems to forego the same journey


##At the boat

car gets in the ferry

turns off engine

Ernie: Well,we made it in time.There seems to be a bunch of cars in the ferry,they probably must be going in the same challenge.

Aldren: Probably with faster cars.

Ernie: Whatever! Hey Ateri! You ok?
(Sees thumbs up from Ateri in the mirror of the car)

Aldren:He seems to be fine.(jokingly said)

(Aldren and Ernie gets out of the car)

Ernie:sniffs Fresh air indeed of lovely America.

Aldren: There must be a place where we can buy something in this ferry.

Ernie: Maybe.Let go ahead and explore then.
(hears murmurs of other groups)

Aldren: From what i hear from these people,the checkpoint is probably near the dock.

Ernie:Well that means we are closer to having good rest.

Aldren:

And so the trio are going be in a wait,curious whats going to be in the other side.

next chapter coming soon

Team & Car info

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Team Mountain Pass

Friday, Day One, Noon to 2pm

Team Mountain Pass

Since I had already adjusted the Ambassador’s controls and seat to suit my driving position, Pierre and Andrew decided to leave me in place and take the first stint at the wheel. Andrew called shotgun and proceeded to search for the most obnoxious radio stations he could find and Pierre plotted our course from the backseat. The first run to the ferry was an easy one with no competitors having any issues and we arrived at the ferry without incident. Since the brake shimmy hasn’t worsened I’ve decided to not worry so much about it for the moment but I plan to take off the front wheels at the end of the day today (if we have time) and check the pads and the rotors…

Man, riding the ferry is boring! We ended up watching the water, to stave off any queasiness, and mentally prepared ourselves for the long road ahead.

Distance required: 86 miles
Distance covered: 86 miles
Morale: +2 (Boats are fun!)
Fatigue: Nil (Early days yet)

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Sorry about doing this so late, got stuck at work. Anyway…

Team DMV Speed Stars

Members:
Felix Ferreira
20, Mechanical Engineering student, Aspiring Gearhead, Son of DMV’s senior accountant

Ethan Miller
20, Electrical Engineering student, Cares more about numbers than experience with cars. Speaking of, his modified Prius averages 58 MPG in case you wondered.

Dennis Austin
20, Mechanical Engineering Student, Cares more about looking cool than having fun

One Week Ago

Felix is poking around his dad’s office after finishing his exams. He’s always looking for inside information about the latest cars. Today, he stumbles on an advert for the tour and immediately gets excited. He runs to his dad to gather further information.

Felix: Dad, did you hear about this endurance race? It looks awesome! Someone from DMV should enter.

Felix’s dad: Yeah, I heard a bit about it. But nobody here is particularly interested. Remember, we’re all old folks here to count the money. You and your friends seem like much better candidates for it.

Felix: You think so?

Felix’s Dad: Yeah. But entries close soon. Anyone wishing to join best hurry and find a car. winks

With that, Felix races back to the campus to gather his friends and hit up Craigslist. He finds his 2 closest friends, Ethan and Dennis.They’re a bit hesitant about the idea at first.

Ethan: Sounds a bit risky. Besides, you’ve never driven anything that bettered before.

Dennis: What kind of car would we be using? I’ve wanted to do a road trip or something, but in an RV. Not some shitty old compact.

Felix: We can make it into one! Like that episode of Top Gear.
beat
Felix: Ok, those were bad examples, but still.

Dennis: I guess so, but nothing too small.

Felix: I can live with that.

Ethan: Good. Your car is cramped enough with us in it. We don’t need to be stuck in anything smaller.

Felix: Is that a yes?

Ethan: Fine, but you owe me one.

Felix: sigh Now to find a car.

The next day

Felix: Guys, I found something.


It’s a 1983 DMV Nebula. It only has 185,000 miles, and he only wants $650 for it!

Ethan: So, what’s wrong with it?

Felix: Look at it. It’s in great shape. I’m gonna go pick it up tomorrow.

Ethan: Keyword. LOOKS great.

Felix: Whatever. You’ll see. It’s the real deal. I can feel it.

Dennis: Wanna bet? $50 says there’s something wrong with this thing.

Felix: Fine. But your doubts just filled my tank with premium gas.

Ethan: We’ll see.

The next day again

The 3 sprint off to the seller’s house after a quick pit stop at the closest convenience store. Felix hands over the money and takes the key, opening it up in the hopes of putting all doubts to rest.

Ethan: I must admit, it is in good shape.

Dennis: Well. They put a pod filter in here. But whatever.

Felix starts the car up.
Felix: Prepare to eat your words and your cash, Dennis.

Felix puts the car in gear and it stalls.
Felix: The fuck?

Ethan and Dennis: That was a beautiful start.

Felix gets going, but the car shifts sloppily due to a slipping clutch.

Dennis: Guess you’re filling my tank. Either that, or you can’t shift anything without your Stage 2 clutch anymore.

Ethan: You know what? I’m glad I came along. I get to watch Takumi Fujiwara here fuck up.

Felix: Fuck you guys. It’s gonna work fine.

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Team BAGS

Gary: The drive to the ferry was the easy part…

Brian: …as it always is. In fact every other entrant is already on board this boat, without having to wait for the next one.

Amy: The KGT doesn’t really start until we disembark from the ferry, does it?

Stephanie: You’re dead right. And Deception Pass Bridge is just the first point of interest we’ve found… there are definitely going to be many more. Anyway, let’s get some rest for the time being and prepare for the long trip ahead of us.

5 Likes

##Team Twin-Snail

Arrival, Day 0


Before the stage

Luke looked over at Team Outriders before opening the ashtray on the Midnight, setting his hidden toggle switches to “low” and “Disarmed” so that their triple truck horns, and more importantly, their train horn, remained undiscovered for the time being. Scott, Amy, and Linda returned to the car with news from the other teams.

“Well, looks like we’ve got some returning teams here. Outriders are back, with the same or maybe similar Enforcer, though it sounds meaner. Looks like they’ve got a scan tool, too, 'case your cable’s busted.” Linda said.

“Also team Mountain Pass managed to find another blue Bogliq to thrash on, so I’m tempted to make a gift of one of our spare fire extinguishers, given how they went out last time. Also, Team Southend-or-Bust is back, so you may want to consider giving the gift of one of those spare server fans you’re lugging around, in the event they blow their air conditioning. Heard they turned that car into a soggy sweatbox last time out.” Scott added, grinning wickedly.

“As for new teams, we’ve got two guys from Gryphon Gear, though we’re fairly sure that their riced-out shitbox does not, in fact, have a thousand horsepower, there’s those jackasses who roared in here that got called out by the cops for being too damn loud, and there’s a rattle-trap shitbox that sounds like someone threw a washing machine down the stairs. It’s driven by an old fart and a couple of kids, by the look of things.” Amy said, finishing the situation check.

“So… We may have allies, but we certainly have people to watch out for. Good thing the Minerva’s got that anti-theft alarm, and I’ve rigged it to the air horns, so if anyone tries to break into the car, everyone’s gonna know it.” Luke said. “Well, let’s get on the move.”


Driver’s Meeting

The quiet whispering among Team Twin-Snail went barely noticed as they sat through the driver’s meeting, most of the conversation being based around how fast they thought they could get away with driving in their dark purple sedan, what music fit the first day drive, etc. There was also a fair amount of half-mocking going on regarding other people’s cars because, after all, they had experience and they’d driven here over 2,000 miles just for the event. And, of course, a betting pool on which car would expire first.


Departure, Stage 1, 12:00 PM

With the Minerva Midnight’s beautiful 3.6 liter V6 all warmed up from idling through the driver’s meeting, Team Twin-Snail set out for the Coupeville Ferry Terminal, blaring AC/DC through the Midnight’s surprisingly good sound system. Setting a modest pace for their first leg, they flew over the Deception Pass Bridge going ‘slightly’ above the speed limit, engine roaring in 5th gear overdrive, and the air conditioning on full blast.

“Luke, turn the fucking A/C off! It doesn’t need to be 50 degrees in here!” Linda said, reaching forward for the climate controls. “We need heat to live.”

As they made it to the ferry terminal, they were loaded up onto the Salish, where it was mutually agreed that they’d get out and explore a bit.


After the Stage

With the Minerva secured and switched off, the only thing they had left was the ferry ride. And while Amy, Linda, and Scott quickly made their way out of the car, Luke stayed behind, insisting he’d much prefer staying in the car and away from the water.

“Really, Luke?” Amy asked.

“I may be highly water resistant, but I sink. And I can’t get out of deep water on my own. So no, I’m staying in the car. Plus, I’ve got better things to do than to find out what that water will do to my titanium chassis. Go enjoy the weather, I’ll be in the car keeping people from stealing our stuff.”


Aftermath

Car:
Still 95%. Needs to have the twin throttle bodies cleaned and the MAF sensors cleaned. Runs fine, though. Very comfortable leather seats.

Team:
-Luke: Comfortable, though staying in the car.
-Scott: Disappointed in the lack of beans on this trip.
-Linda: Hoping they do well.
-Amy: Somewhat worried that someone is going to blow the frickin’ train horn she helped install.

MRL +2 Overall
FTG =0 Overall

6 Likes

Day 0

Toni: Looks like we got here early enough. I’ll just park over there (gestures to a spot near the edge of the area).
Bill: Good. We can actually watch as everybody else rolls in.
Wookiee: And I can do a bit of recon, army style.
Bill: You weren’t in the army!
Wookiee: Point?

Later that evening.

Wookiee: I’ve counted 19 others. A few familiar faces, a few new ones. And there’s a tiny little green thingy, with like, a granny drving, or some shit. It’s funny as. I did notice that blue-face dude again. I’m sure he thinks he’s a Gaul or Celt… or something. He looks shifty.
Bill: Says you. Let’s just get some rest. You’ve had your fun.
Wookiee: Not yet. (smirks)


Day 1
Drivers meeting is over and Mr Hankey is warming up in preparation for departure.
Bill: So… how exactly did you find this car.
Wookiee: I suppose I can tell you now. Estate sale. I heard about it, bought it, then told you guys.
Bill: We’re driving a dead man’s car!?
Wookiee: No, we’re driving a dead man’s PROJECT car. It’s different. Say, you wouldn’t know who this belongs to? (holds up a licence plate that’s clearly been “borrowed” from a nearby car)

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