The Kinda Grand Tour [FINALE]

TEAM OUTRIDERS

(At a local coffee stand)

Marc: (hits horn) Come on you d*** bitch! You just had coffee this morning!

Luigi: A cup, I need more than that.

Marc: You drink too much and you’ll be shitting your brains out, and how do you think that’ll affect our progress?

Luigi: Two, not eight. I made that mistake once.

Blake: How much?

Luigi: For you, nothing, for Marc, $10.

Marc: How about you suck it out of my…

Blake: Okay, let’s get a move on.

(The Enforcer continues her glorious journey)

Marc: My God you are driving so SLOW!

Luigi: We’re making great time.

Marc: Great time if we were heading for Country Kitchen Buffet, or to a Bingo hall. Come on, get your Depends untwisted and hit that pedal!

Luigi: You know what your problem is? You’re too stressed. No wonder your people often have heart attacks and strokes, you gotta chill.

Marc: The universe wasn’t formed because matter was “chill”, The universe wasn’t formed because matter was “laid back”, It happened because of energy. Case and point, step on it!

Blake: It’s Luigi’s turn to drive, if you don’t like it, get back to your book.

Marc: Easy for you to say, this ****sucker aims for every bump on the road, it’s kind of hard to read anything.

Luigi: Uh oh.

Blake: What is it?

Luigi: I gotta take a piss.

Marc: I knew it, that’s because you drank too much coffee you dumb w**!

Luigi: I didn’t hear you complaining about yours!

Marc: Granted, it was strong and delicious, but it defeats the purpose if we gotta stop and pee every 15 minutes.

(After a stop at a rest area and three emptied bladders and some insults hurled around later, the team is back on the road.)

Luigi: Let’s get some tunes rocking.

Marc: Ooh, I love this song.

Luigi: You would.

Marc: Hey, they had a Catholic and a Lutheran too.

Blake: Why didn’t I take a tape recorder? It could be published as the dictionary of Theological trash talk.

Marc: All that aside, next stop I’m taking over. Remember this is a race of sorts, and we need someone with cop training behind the wheel.

Blake: Suit yourself, (sip) Damn this stuff is strong.

5 Likes

Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Saturday, 8am - 10am

Weather Conditions: 52 degrees. Mostly cloudy. Pavement is now dry.

All vehicles are on US101 South.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Tillamook Cheese Factory, Oregon Coast Aquarium. Any POI you can find/message me about between Newport, OR and Eureka, CA.

Next Waypoint(s): Seal Rock, OR. Bullards Beach, OR.

VicVictory:
TBDC: 111 mi OD: 494 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Fort Stevens State Park.

@yurimacs
TBDC: 102 mi OD: 495 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None

@Fayeding_Spray
TBDC: 103 mi OD: 603 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.

@Madrias
TBDC: 67 mi OD: 460 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: Team backtracked, and spent 30 minutes at NAPA auto getting new rotors and pads for all 4 corners.

@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 119 mi OD: 605 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.

@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 61 mi OD: 454 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 117 mi OD: 552 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.

@Mikonp7
TBDC: 109 mi OD: 502 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 81 mi OD: 572 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has stopped at Sea Lion Caves for 30 minute rest.

@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 112 mi OD: 581 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock

@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 116 mi OD: 509 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None

@strop
TBDC: 114 mi OD: 568 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock

@stm316
TBDC: 83 mi OD: 550 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint complete: Seal Rock. Team has stopped for 30 minutes at the Oregon Coast Aquarium.

@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 112 mi OD: 505 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

@abg7
TBDC: 105 mi OD: 498 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

@rileybanks
TBDC: 118 mi OD: 511 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 99 mi OD: 598 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has refueled in Newport, OR.

@Rk38
TBDC: 41 mi OD: 424 mi MRL: -4 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Fort Stevens State Park. Maesima was misfiring all morning. It came to a sputtering stop just after completing the waypoint. Diagnosis: Bad ignition coil. Part was among the spares being carried, but it took almost 90 minutes to diagnose and replace.

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 110 mi OD: 608 mi MRL:+1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has refueled in Waldport, OR.

@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 101 mi OD: 494 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.

The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:

Ardent, DMV (494 miles)

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

(no witty banter tonight, it’s been too long of a day. I’ll just give the cliff notes on the haps and the feels)

Rick: Wondering if Fuzz had forgotten about his threat to make Rick suffer musically. And certainly not going to remind him.

Jen: doing Sudoku in the back seat, biding her time until she drives. Ignoring her brother’s bellyaching.

Fuzz: Lamenting that they didn’t get to stop at the cheese factory. Because cheese would be awesome for a snack.

Rick: also wishing he had stopped at the cheese factory, so Fuzz would shut up.

4 Likes

FYI, this should have been 8-10am, you already did 6-8am.

Previous Post || Next Post

Team: Clutch Droppers

Day 2: 8-10am

After leaving the hotel, Bob was in a foul mood, but the excellent music choices from Ryan and Jason held bring him back around. Roughly an hour and a half after they left the hotel the team was still feeling a bit fatigued and decided to make a short stop at Seal Rock to stretch their legs.

Bob: It’s a bit too chilly to enjoy the beach, but I really want to stretch my legs. They are really cramped from how I slept last night.

Jason: Sounds good, my legs are a bit cramped as well, plus I am really craving some Mountain Dew.

Ryan: I think I’ll get out some of the jerky while we are stopped.

Just after the three of us had gotten out of the car and started down the hill to the beach five cars raced past on the highway. It had to be some of the other teams.

Bob: Holly crap, how did they already catch us!? They must have left at like 5am and driven like mad. Looks like we will be driving for a long time today if we want to catch them.

Jason: I think if we take turns driving and make sure to take some actual rest stops today we will be able to drive a lot longer.

Ryan: Yeah, we are gonna have to run hard to catch back up, they looked like they were flying along pretty good.

Bob: I’m going to take a few pictures, this beach is nice.

Ryan: Alright, but don’t take too long, we can’t let them keep putting distance between us.

Bob took a few pictures before they jumped back in the car and headed off to try and catch back up to the cars that had passed them


Morale: +11 (A nice rest and jerky/Mountain Dew break really helped morale)
Fatigue: +2 (A nice half-hour stop to rest a bit more was a good call)

4 Likes

I knew i was missing something…

Team Bamford

Phillip seemed to be in a great hurry when he was given command of the Bamford as he threw the big car around as fast as it’s little engine could push it.

“What’s the rush?” asked Simon who had taken shotgun-map-reader.

“I have to be somewhere fast and we don’t have the time to stop”

“This is strange” put in Jason “Are we taking this race seriously now?”

“Yes” replied Phil


They had been driving for a while before a massive factory came into view.

“Simon, what’s that place?” asked Ken

“It’s a cheese factory” replied Simon

The red Bamford slid into the car park with violent fury as Phil leapt from the car whilst pulling the handbrake on.
“BE RIGHT BACK!” he yelled as he ran towards the small cafe.

Phil raced into the cafe, only pausing to read the “No Horses” sign hastily taped to the front door.

As the trio in the car were discussing the logistics of a cheese factory and wondering how they were able to afford such a big factory, Phil came running back, he leapt into the drivers seat, threw his seatbelt on whilst putting the car in drive and as the sluggish gears locked into place, down went the handbrake and the Bamford was moving again.

“I bought some good cheeses” panted Phil

Ken opened the bag as it was passed to him, inside was 6 blocks of orange cheese.

“When in Rome, do as the Romans do!” smiled Phil

“Are you telling me that you almost killed us so you could buy some American cheese?” asked Ken

“Totally worth it”

And soon the car was back onto the highway and heading towards Seal Rock

6 Likes

Team Twin-Snail

Previous Stage


With the plan to backtrack set in stone, Luke threw the heavy steel Minerva out of the parking area at Fort Stevens State Park and headed 10 miles back toward the NAPA auto parts store they’d set as the waypoint on their map. On the way there, the conversation was simple and car related, with the big argument being to turbocharge or not. Linda and Amy were strongly in favor of adding boost, Luke was firmly against potentially blowing up their engine, and Scott was concerned that additional boost might hurt the Minerva’s 5 speed automatic.

“No, seriously, this is one of the first 5 speeds, and it’s one of the first fully-electronically-controlled automatic transmissions. You increase the power and something’s going to break.” Scott said.

“Yeah, but we’re so far behind right now that it’s not even funny.” Amy said. “If we had a turbo, we’d be faster.”

“Plus, turbochargers are cool. We’d get off the line quicker.” Linda said.

“We have an automatic in a car from 1998 with a 3.6 liter engine built to run on regular unleaded fuel. If we turbocharge the engine, we’ll be increasing the stresses on an engine that was never built to handle boost, and we have low-friction cast pistons in there. The answer is, shall always be, and has always been no!” Luke said. “Plus, if you think we’re that far behind, I’ll put my foot to the floor and you can pay the speeding tickets.”

They arrived at NAPA rather quickly and spent the better part of 30 minutes waiting for the guy to find some compatible rotors and pads.

“Well, I couldn’t find any for a 1998 Minerva Midnight, but I know that the 1996 to 2003 Minerva Midnights used the same brake rotors and pads. And if you guys were really desperate, the '86 to '95 Midnights had similar rotors, but solid, not vented. So these parts are for the 2002 Minerva Midnight, but they’ll fit. I used 'em on my '87.” the guy said, putting some boxes up on the counter. Luke paid for the parts, and they were back on their way.

“Cheese or fish?” Luke asked as they headed to the car.

“What?” Amy asked.

“Which would you rather deal with while I’m fixing the car, a cheese factory or an aquarium?”

“Um… Fish, I think. Cheese makes me fart.” Amy said, as they got into the car.

Luke made up time by burying the gas in the firewall, making the old Minerva roar as he aimed for the mythical triple-digit-speeds. Amy kept looking at the dash as the car wound out in third gear, then started climbing in fourth. The car started to shudder and shake as it was now painfully obvious that the wheels were not balanced well enough for 100, let alone the 130+ mile per hour top speed. However, Luke kept trying to make up time, and after driving for two hours, had covered 67 miles despite a 10 mile setback and 30 minutes buying parts.


Aftermath:
Car still needs the brakes to be installed, but that’s planned now.

Team is happy to be on the road again.

MRL: +13 (No Change) - Still feeling lucky.
FTG: -3 (No Change) - Not road weary yet.

6 Likes

##Team Artiseros
#8 am - 10 am


As the car turned right to rejoin the road,Ernie hoped for the best that they didnt overslept because there were no cars ahead of them and only 2 cars behind them

Ernie: It seems that only the Ardent and the DMV is behind us.

Aldren: And you say this car can keep up with the other cars?

Ernie:That’s because with slept within a reasonable time period

Aldren: Whatever.


##Overall Stats
Fatigue: -3 (Still Refreshed)

Morale: 16 (nothing happening)

5 Likes

:joy:

I apologise to any other cheese eating horses out there.

3 Likes

Team BAGS

Brian’s notes for this leg:

The drive from Fort Stevens to Seal Rock has been uneventful so far, especially considering that the roads are now dry. Nothing has gone wrong, but nothing exciting has happened either. We will soon stop at the Oregon Coast Aquarium for rest and relaxation en route before resuming our drive south.

We have heard rumors that several other teams have already reached Seal Rock, but catching up to them right now would be overambitious, not to mention potentially dangerous, especially since we entered just to finish and not to win outright.

And while changing radio stations for the umpteenth time, we came upon this song and immediately stopped channel-hopping:

Just by listening to it, we were inspired to make it to the end - or at least get as close to it as we could, especially after our decision to adopt a more aggressive strategy earlier on.

3 Likes

Team Mountain Pass

Saturday, Day two, 8 - 10am

Team stats

Right on 8am I roared out of the state park, redlining the wheezy Bogliq Alpha iron-block for all it was worth. Kyle was limited in his budget, sure, but why an ex-taxi? The retail market Ambassador has a larger, revvier, aluminium engine and has lots more POWAAAHHH!!! But, when life gives you lemons, throw 'em at your competitors!

Kyle has chosen to stretch out in the back seat so Pierre is taking up smokey-spotting duties. All I care about is wiping that cheese eating grin off of Team Shitbox’s face!!!

After two hours of hammer-time, we’re making progress and I’m soo glad this car’s a manual because highway driving LITERALLY sends me to sleep if I’m in an auto…

Distance travelled (this session): 116 miles
Distance travelled (so far): 506 miles
Morale +0 (+13 total): Pierre and Kyle think that Andrew may be possessed by a vengeance demon! :imp:
Fatigue +0 (0 total): Refreshed after a restful sleep; a new day brings new possibilities!

6 Likes

TEAM OUTRIDERS

Luigi: WHOA GOD YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!

Marc: Ha ha ha! No such thing!

Blake: It does seem a bit extreme.

(All of a sudden, Marc slows the car down to the speed limit.)

Blake: Why’d you slow down?

Marc: (points) Because of that.

Luigi: How did you know a State Trooper would be sitting there?

Marc: Comes with being a cop, you tend to develop an instinct on where they’ll set up to catch speeders.

Luigi: Never ceases to amaze me.

Marc: Let’s see what’s on the radio.

Radio: …rently 52 degrees outside, mostly cloudy. The roads should be dry now after…/…erts estimate the value of the missing painting to be worth 18 million. And in other news today, automotive pioneer and co-founder of Petoskey Motors Alistair Ventnor celebrates his 100th birthday today. He plans on taking a new Ventnor Bambino for a run on the track to celebrate. On a related note Eleanor Ventnor, Alistair’s daughter and current owner of Petoskey Motors ZLC made an announcement during a public forum commemorating her father’s 100th birthday. It was there that she revealed a secret project. One so confidential that a large part of developing the Bambino supercar was used as a smokescreen for this new project. “The development of the Bambino served two purposes. One was to produce a supercar of unparalleled quality that could be easily used as a daily driver. The other was to divert public attention from our newest project. Something I wanted to do in honor of my father’s 100th birthday. Without further ado, I present to you the new Ventnor Amindre! (applause)” Ventnor claims the car is capable of reaching a top speed of over 280 miles per hour. Prices are expected in the half million dollar range.

Marc: Damn! That thing must be a beast.

Luigi: Probably cost you a fortune in gas.

Blake: Just two weeks ago they were announcing the Meteor IX-4 capable of 260 mph. It’s as if the company competes against itself.

Marc: Well, a Petoskey Meteor is far more affordable than a Ventnor Bambino, or this Amindre.

Luigi: Looks like their Advanced Design Initiative is really paying off.

Radio: We now present this classic from Henry Mancini:

6 Likes

We’ll catch up with 8-10 later today
05:00

Ram
“Fy faen!!!”, I spat after being woke up by a colossal din. I looked to my side, but Nomade was still asleep as if nothing was going on. “Hey, Nomade…”
No answer.
“Hey!”, I called again, and he stirred. “Whaaat…?”
“Aren’t you being annoyed by this alarm noise?”, I said with a face of indignation.
“I am, now, thanks for for waking me.”, he mumbled a little annoyed and pulled the covers over his head. Well it was still early, it would probably be a good idea to head out and grab a few little odds and ends to munch in the car on the move. If I remembered correctly there was a Mini Mart down there, around a 6km round trip so that would have to be my morning jog. In there I decided to grab some smoothies, a yoghurt+cereal thing, some fruit, some snack bars and a trail mix bag. By the time I was back, there was still little activity in the camp, just some shouting in the direction of where the alarm had gone off. Nomade had woken up, so we decided to roll up the sleeping bags, stuff it in the back and hit the road.

Nomade
It was just a leisurely cruise for the most part but we were pushing harder to try to be at the head of the competition for once but everything was calm. I tossed Ram my phone and told him to put on a a Brazillian masterpiece that wasn’t really famous in Brazil for some reason:

After a while I saw a white speck in the mirror growing… getting close, closer, really close… and they passed us. But they didn’t just overtake us, they were the bastards with that annoying alarm - they just had to ring that blasted contraption as they passed on our left side!

“dra meg baklengs inn i fuglekassa!” Ram shouted, really pissed off, drawing into a string of some more incomprehensible Norwegian. “Jævle drittsekker… hva gjør de?” And he looked to me, but I wasn’t angry, I was grinning and started to laugh. “Don’t worry my friend, I have a little surprise for them. You see this little button under the dash? I wired up a little flap in the exhaust to a motor that’ll bypass the mufflers. I thought it would be good to use it inside the tunnels, but I think it will be really useful as a revenge now.”

Ram
We held our pace, awaiting the moment to strike when we finally starting seeing that white sedan again. We started to smile, we could barely hold ourselves!

We put our fingers in our ears and Nomade already had his finger on the button. “Ready?”
“Oh yeah!”, Nomade answered enthusiastically. We started to pull up alongside the two inside the white sedan, going as close as possible (remember that I used to rally and Nomade to street race? So, yeah, it was really close), when we were right by their side we hit the button, hit the clutch and floored it for an entire second! Then Nomade dumped the clutch and passed them, tyres squealing, hitting their side mirror with ours.

“Hope this will teach these two a lesson!” I said barely able to speak in between my teary laughter
“This or you can prepare for a race!”, Nomad said triumphantly and floored it again. We left them behind.

8 Likes

Team ‘Routed…


Original Post | Previous Post


Things weren’t exactly looking good for the team. As the saw the last of the other teams drive past them broken down on the road. It was the first time the Maesima had failed them yet. The day had started well enough some slick and damp still on the roads but no issues.

But not long after passing the waypoint. The fuel economy was looking far too low. So after a quick fuel stop, it had trouble starting and then began misfiring badly. Dan was driving when it happened and while everyone’s initial thought was to blame him. Because of his irrational disrespect of the brand. Plus being a Saminda owner didn’t help either.

Still, Dan thought. It was curious that the troubles began not long after meeting up with Team Greasy Lightning. They seemed nice enough though. Surely they weren’t secretly controlling this whole race? Nah, impossible Dan shrugged it off. Must have been bad luck. After all, that team was barely able to get out of bed let alone manage anything as devious as all that.

Mitch quickly took control. They pushed it off from petrol station pump off to a park nearby small garage. As they begin to diagnose the issue. They let the NL-992 run for about 30 minutes. As Sam and Dan frantically checked online to help discover the issue. But Mitch just then gently wrapped the module with the head of a screwdriver. The Maesima engine died, and he knew it was probably the ignition coil.

“Thank f%#K for that!” Mitch said relieved.

“What is it?” Dan asked checking the time.

"Have you fixed it? Sam added looking up from his phone.

“No, but I think I know what it is…” Mitch paused to wipe his brow “It looks like a buggered up ignition coil.” He said, “But thankfully I’ve got some spare.” Mitch added with a grin.

“Is that a big job?” Dan asked.

“Well depends…” Mitch replied trailing off.

After a further hour of grubby but fairly straightforward work. Mitch had removed the faulty part and installed a crisp new one. Now all that remained was to turn it over and see if all the hard work had paid off. Mitch made his way to the driver’s seat and twisted the ignition and it the V6 once again soared into life. Free of any misfiring or stuttering.

Sam had long since used up his phone’s battery life and was eager to move on. While Dan was just glad to be moving on. Once again team routed…nearly were, still, they were back in the game once again. But they had a lot of time to catching up to do with every team well ahead of them. All the well resting and high mood gained during the pitstop were long gone.

Everyone was feeling a bit miserable. Sam was passed out in the backseat and Mitch was half asleep in the front seat. Dan has left the driver again. Trying desperately to both obey the laws. While also driving as fast as possible watching for any sight of another team up ahead.

7 Likes

Team Mr. Hankey

Saturday 6-8 AM
Wookiee: 97 cents. Per Litre. 97. Are you sure?
Bill: That’s what’s on the docket…well, that’s what it works out to. And apparently that’s the average price around here. As in, this whole state.
Wookiee: I’ve heard these seppo’s complain that they pay too much for petrol. What the hell is wrong with these people?
Bill: Really? Seppo’s? You’re in their country, try not being… for want of a better word… “racist” here.
Wookiee: It’s not racist, it’s derogatory.
Bill: Whatever.
Toni: Their chocolate selection is utter crap. No Kit-Kat’s, and they’d never heard of a Polly Waffle. This place sucks.
Bill: I’d kill for a four’n’20. Serious time, that noise isn’t going to leave us stranded anywhere?
Toni: Lifter noise won’t kill a car quickly. I once ran a Mk II Escort for a whole year without any real problem. It’s just an adjustment. Don’t worry.
Bill: Then I suppose we’ll hit the road. Next stop, giant fish tank!..340km away.

6 Likes

… and shortly thereafter Dan was “accidentally” struck by lightning… :stuck_out_tongue:

5 Likes

Legend of Terms:

TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.

Saturday, 10am - noon

Weather Conditions: 60 degrees. Partly cloudy. Traffic on the highway is picking up; it’s a lovely weekend day.

All vehicles are on US101 South.

Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Any POI you can find/message me about between Coos Bay, OR and Eureka, CA.

Next Waypoint(s): Seal Rock, OR. Bullards Beach, OR, Humboldt Botanical Garden, Eureka, CA.

VicVictory:
TBDC: 105 mi OD: 599 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.

@yurimacs
TBDC: 84 mi OD: 589 mi MRL: -4 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. For much of the 11 am hour, the Zast has been growing increasingly loud and losing power. It has finally given up the ghost at approximately 589 miles, along the shores of Woahink Lake, south of Florence, OR. Diagnosis: exhaust manifold/gasket failure. Overall morale at end: +8 (good)

@Fayeding_Spray
TBDC: 103 mi OD: 706 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullards Beach. Team has refueled in Coos Bay, OR.

@Madrias
TBDC: 67 mi OD: 527 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +1 Notes: Team is stopping for 1 hour at the aquarium to rest, sightsee, and repair brakes. This hour will bleed into the beginning of next time period, as they arrived at roughly 1130a.

@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 106 mi OD: 711 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach. Team has refueled in Coos Bay, OR.

@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 112 mi OD: 566 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +3 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.

@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 98 mi OD: 650 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullards Beach. Somewhat frustration section for this team, as they were stuck behind slow traffic and couldn’t time their moves correctly to get around them for quite some time.

@Mikonp7
TBDC: 35 mi OD: 537 mi MRL: -9 FTG: +4 Notes: Team was pulled over by Oregon State Police as they entered Newport, OR, and a full felony stop was completed. The team is sitting in cuffs in the back of a squad car, trying to figure out exactly why they are under arrest for Grand Theft Auto… (Other teams: this was his idea for a “defect” with his car, not mine… but I thought it was interesting and let him roll with it). Morale at the end: +3 (alright)

@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 78 mi OD: 650 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach. Team has stopped at Bandon, OR for lunch, fuel, and rest.

@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 46 mi OD: 627 mi MRL: -5 FTG: +3 Notes: Flickering dash lights have come back/become more noticeable. When they stopped for fuel in Coos Bay, the car died. The alternator has failed, and repairs will bleed over into the next time period. A replacement was not among the spares, but fortunately the NAPA in Coos Bay had one in stock.

@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 119 mi OD: 628 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Refueled in Coos Bay, OR.

@strop
TBDC: 116 mi OD: 684 mi MRL: -1 FTG: +3 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach.
Refueled in Coos Bay, OR. Took a while to figure out that the creaking/popping noise that can now be heard when going over bumps is NOT from Strop’s “south end”, but rather the car’s suspension. Also lactose intolerant horse farts smell bad.

@stm316
TBDC: 110 mi OD: 660 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint complete: Bullards Beach. Refueled in Coos Bay, OR. Lifter tick seems to be getting worse.

@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 107 mi OD: 612 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.

@abg7
TBDC: 82 mi OD: 580 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has stopped at Oregon Coast Aquarium for rest.

@rileybanks
TBDC: 120 mi OD: 631 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has refueled in Coos Bay, OR.

@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 122 mi OD: 720 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach. Team is starting to feel fatigued.

@Rk38
TBDC: 111 mi OD: 535 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock (exactly at noon, no less)

@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 121 mi OD: 729 mi MRL:+1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullards Beach.

@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 113 mi OD: 607 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.

The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:

IA Advance, BIL Standard (650 miles)

Team Greasy Lightning

Team/Car info

“Here you go, Jen,” Fuzz tapped on her shoulder with a cold bottle of water.

“Thanks,” she said, grabbing it over her shoulder with one hand while keeping eyes on the road and her other hand on the wheel.

The air smelled of pungent ocean tang, the salt almost palpabale. Her hair danced in the turbulent air flowing through the rolled-down windows. By her side, her husband cracked jokes and fiddled with the playlist on his phone, as Fuzz doled out pouches of trail mix, beef jerky, and fruit for lunch from the back. Everything in the moment was so perfect. So her laughter and constant smile were well warranted. This was everything she could have hoped for on this trip.

“Here we go!” Rick grinned. “A little motivational music!”

Greasy Lightning - Motivational Music

“Aww yeah!” Fuzz whooped from the back as soon as the music started. “That’s what I’m talking about!”

Jen immediately found herself tapping the steering wheel and nodding her head along to the beat, her smile growing even wider than she thought possible.

— *** — *** — ***

“Nice pass, Jen!” Rick smiled.

The small purple Zast convertible shrank to a dot in the rearview mirror in mere seconds.

“Guys, I don’t think they’re running really good,” Fuzz added, looking back through the rear hatch. “I think I saw it smoking, and it wasn’t going very fast.”

Jen shook her head. “Man. That’s a shame for them. I hope they can fix whatever is wrong…”

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#Team ‘Southend or Bust’
Original Post - Previous Post

The story so far: Having made excellent progress since the cheese factory incident, our three boys have piloted the trusty Merna down the Pacific coast. It’s all about to go wrong though…

“I think this might be the most amazing road ever” said Seb, staring out to the Pacific. The US101 had turned out to be a fantastic stretch of tarmac to drive down.
“Agreed” said Martin, taking in the late spring sun. “Honestly though, I think there are other cars I’d rather be in doing this”.
“Oooh yeah” said Seb, smiling. “I reckon a 1980s Zavir Aera would be fantastic”
“What? Something that old?” replied Martin. “Has to be something newer. A Himmel E.O., for sure. Targa top version”
James joined in, having seemed to have gotten over his grump. “Assoluto Infinito, anyday. Proper GT car for a GT road”
“A GT road eh?” mocked Seb.
“Yeah, great views, great corners, the lot” James replied, laughing.
There was no denying, this was going a lot better than the Roulette Runner. For one, the car wasn’t driving them mad, and their friendship wasn’t being tested either.

.

Predictably though, it went wrong.

Seb and James got back in the car, where Martin was waiting. “Right, I got you a pack of Lays or whatever the Walkers crisps are here and a Coke” said Seb, handing some stuff out of the plastic bag.
“Nice” said Martin. “Let’s hit it then”
Seb turned the key. Nothing. “Bollocks” he exclaimed.
James sighed. The grump was back. “It’s that alternator isn’t it”
“Yep” said Martin, who’s mood had changed too. “Let’s go yank it out and see what’s up”.

30 minutes later, and the alternator was almost out. But Martin knew already that it had packed up. “Look at my hands, they’re black. And so is that alternator. We’re gonna need a new one”.
James got his phone out. “Alright then, let’s find a parts store”.
Thankfully, the nearest NAPA was only 20 minutes walk away, so James headed off to get the replacement while Seb and Martin got the old one out.

Could be worse, at least the problem this time hadn’t given them hearing damage.

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Both purple cars are out :cry:

Now we’re starting to see some serious wear, they’re gonna start dropping like flies.

Just for some information, I ran the morning distances into Excel. You can see who overtook whom at what time, though I didn’t actually put in any data for the stops, so this may not be entirely realistic.

Also I highlighted my own line. This is because if I happen to pass you and we’re both on the road at that point, you will be the recipient of something special, which I shall be writing presently. That is to say, @stm316, @TheBobWiley, @DeusExMackia (oh you poor sods). EDIT: upon further review it looks like I passed stm316’s team while they were in the Aquarium, so they’re safe. However, it looks like I catch up to DeusExMackia while they’re stuck with the alternator (they’re safe too, I can’t deliver my special package at a fuel stop…).

Which leaves TheBobWiley’s team, whom I’ve been steadily gaining ground on until 10am and pass shortly before they stop for lunch. Ho ho ho ho ho…

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Our Protagonists Almost Die Before They Even Get To The Start
Our Protagonists Are Introduced And Act Like Somewhat Normal People
In Which They Noise Pollute Like College Frat Boys And Are Thoroughly Outdone by a Blue Man
In Which They Argue About Playing Gay Chicken With Keys Being Hidden in Unmentionable Places
In Which Gay Chicken Is Played But Kai Forgets the Chicken Part and Strop Loses
In Which Strop Fails Emissions Ratings and Team Southend are Scarred For Life


#Team Flaming Fart Cannon

Good for food (sort of), good for fuel, good for battery in the BoomStick… time to make up some ground!

“Just to be sure, you did say if we stopped every now and then, I could drive as much as I wanted?” Kai asked.

“Yeah, that’s the deal,” Strop replied. “As long as you stop when I want to. Or when you don’t want to drive as if that will ever happen.”

Just then, the next song came up on the playlist.

“Is this-” Kai started, look of spreading recognition on his face.

“YES.” Strop whipped out the finger guns. “I know right, how could I not play this, it has HISTORY.”

“You bought a Boom Box to the ASCA Mid-Season Gala with this on max volume.”

“We were all too poor to afford actual formal wear!”

“And then everybody hated us and that douche manager from my old team started picking on me, and you were all like it’s ok just walk away, walk away and then you did walk away… because you wanted a run-up to drop kick him in the face.”

“BOOM!” Strop pounded his fists together. Kai and Strop started laughing at the memory of the ensuing brawl, the night in the lock-up and the fine that ended up being more expensive than buying suits and dresses for everybody (totally worth it). But from the paroxysms of laughter, Strop’s sphincter involuntarily spasmed, allowing more fart to seep into the cabin. Kai wound the window down and hung his head out the window for a bit, wheezing.

“Oh shit, for fucks’ sake, I need a smoke just to cleanse my lungs.”

“Don’t you dare, that stuff’s poison.”

“No, YOUR fumes are poison. Cigarettes are like a tonic compared to the shit in your fart. Literally.” Still driving, Kai reached down for his packet and his lighter. Strop suddenly grabbed his hand, keeping the lighter shut. “NO, DON’T!”

“Dude what the fuck, don’t tell me what to do!” Kai tried pulling away but there was only so much pulling one could do without crashing Toothless.

“It’s not that… have you ever considered what might happen if you lit up in a cabin full of flammable fumes?”

Kai blinked and stared at Strop, clearly not looking at the road. “What. You think-”

“I mean, I’ve got it going on real bad right now, maybe the concentration is even enough to blow us sky high.” Kai frowned, unsure. It seemed far-fetched, but damn, it sure did smell bad in there. Strop’s brain was ticking too, for he had alighted on another idea…

“Hang on hang on, I know, gimme your lighter.”

“What? No!” Kai protested. “This is one of your dumb tricks to deprive me of my lung poison isn’t it.”

“Better than that, trust me.” Strop looked completely serious, which everybody knew was trouble. “And keep driving, we gotta go fast. In the meantime…” he pulled out a block of cheese he’d purchased from Tillamook, much to Kai’s horror. “This stuff ain’t gonna keep long out of the fridge!”


Toothless rolled into the station at Coos Bay, where they immediately spotted a familiar Sunshine Coast Orange '94 Erin Merna.

“Oh shit, it’s Team Southend!” Strop gasped. “Hide!”

But ducking below the window-line of the cabin was useless in a car as visible as the flaming, neon-shod Toothless. So Kai spent the next half a minute rolling back and forth such that the parked cars and the fuel pump completely obscured their line of sight from the compact. This achieved, the doors flew open they immediately spilled from the cabin, sucking in great lungfuls of sweet, petrol fume laden air. It was heaven.

While Strop refueled, Kai peered past the pump. “Hey, they’re not there. Good thing huh, would have been awkward.”

“Yeah,” Strop muttered, shameless enough to perpetrate offenses without regard to consequence but not anti-social enough to not feel said consequences. “Let’s keep going, I think we’ve done enough to them this morning.”


Back on the road, and back to the increasingly foul-smelling cabin. Strop’s emissions seemed to have increased, if the high-pitched squeaking of restrained farts was anything to go by.

“What did I tell you, stop eating the damn cheese!” Kai snapped, winding down the window for the umpteenth time that morning.

“I swear, that’s not me!” Strop cried. “I’m holding it in for something special!”

“Really?” Kai frowned. “Then…” the cause of the sound became more clear as, when Toothless crested a bump, the squeaking announced itself again. “Forpulede lort!” he spat.

“Ohh… we did say the CV joint was kind of getting worn out,” Strop mused.

Kai started stroking the steering wheel. “Come on baby, don’t give up on us just yet, your flight isn’t over just yet.”

At that moment, they caught sight of another familiar car: the '96 Bil of Team Clutch Droppers. Strop pointed at it frantically. “THERE. THERE THERE. Overtake them on the right.”

“Already on it!” Kai’s foot was planted and Toothless roared (well… hissed, I guess) forward. Strop grabbed Kai’s lighter and started unbuttoning his jeans.

“Strop, what the fuck?” Kai started.

“Hush now,” Strop had a manic grin on his face. “You’re about to discover the real reason we’re called Team Flaming Fart Cannon. And it’s not your turbo.”

Within seconds, they’d drawn abreast of the Bil and its unsuspecting occupants (or maybe suspecting, since the car was already notorious). Strop wound down the window, popped his seatbelt, and hauled himself until he was perched on the door frame, mostly hanging out the car. Ryan, Jason and Bob all stared at him with a mixture of confusion and horror as he dropped his pants, exposing his undies, and stuck his rear end at them.

“HADOKEN!” Strop yelled, and flicked the Bic.

A prodigious fireball launched from his rear end, blowing over the windshield of the Bil. Team Clutch Droppers almost lost it, swerving on the highway while Strop tumbled back into the car, for Toothless was also swerving, due to Kai being incapacitated by laughter.

“GO! GO! GO!” Strop yelled, steadying the wheel with one hand while trying to pull his pants up with the other. “And that’s another team we won’t be talking to by the end of this trip.”


MRL: +7
FTG: +3

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