So nice you don’t need to say it twice. Here we go!
Aston's Orc Krew: The Last Stage Show!
At the desert of Arica, Chile. Well it usually looks like a desert, but Jack Aston’s team built one hell of a Las Vegas in the middle of it! Think the Race Wars complex from Fast & Furious and you can have a general idea about how it looks like.
Complete with actual ricers, in fact! Amongst a car show, drag races featuring a tuner club Jack invited and catering for all, it’s multiple parties within a party. Some teams hung about, and our protagonist approaches a very familiar three exhaust duo at the catering area…
Jack: Hey, you Cody Acorne?
Cody (turning around to face Jack): Who’s aski… Oh, Jack Aston, right? Looks like the AutoZone Special got the better of you this time. Not even the desert kept my friend from outrunning you.
Jack: Yeah about that… Sorry about the birdy I gave you back at Stage 4. My adrenaline was running high, but so was my frustration. I really wanted to beat the Mimas, and yet couldn’t even beat you… That whole AutoZone thing is dead to me. You guys are the real deal.
Cody: Thanks, but this whole mess wasn’t my doing. Literally. If you want to bow down to someone, that’d be Jake.
Jake (eating a whole bunch of fried chicken): Yoh cawhed, Cohdy?
Cody: Jake, for fuck’s sake. We’ve just arrived and you’re eating like a pig.
Jake (chowing down rapidly): Hey, try to spend five stages on pre-cooked meals and emergency rations and let your stomach speak after that. It’s not my fault you boss it around like an endurance machine! So, what’s the deal?
Cody: Jake, this is Jack Aston. He’s apologizing for the… “birdy”, as he calls it. I’d figure you want to say something.
Jake: I do. Jack, your show fucking rules, man. That intro song is still stuck in my head even with all these speakers around! Used that as inspiration for my desert run. Seems it worked pretty damm well, didn’t it?
Jack: It sure did, man. I have to ask, where did you learn to drive like that? Every jump, every swerve… It was like you were predicting every move I’d make, like you knew all these roads before.
Jake: Oh, we spent some time… doing things… in many places. Just your usual stuff.
Jack: Ok ok, I get it. You’d kill me if you told me your secrets or sumshit. Anyways…
Hugh (on the PA system): To one Mr. Jack Aston, the Victors’ Pedestal is full. I repeat, the Victors’ Pedestal is full. Get your ass here double time, soldier!
Jack: Welp, there it is. Cody, Jake? (extends fist for a fistbump) Here’s hopin’ we can race again. Maybe next time I’ll have 100 horsepower too, so that the battle is more exciting.
Cody (answering with a fistbump): Same here. Maybe we’ll bring friends next time too, for a nice ballast. Take care, man.
Cody and Jake take their leave, since the former spotted the beer stand, and the latter is running around like a chicken… being chased by a man who wants to eat it. As for Jack, he moves to a giant stage, surrounded by speakers, scantily-clad women (because of course) and a NASCAR-esque winner’s podium in the center of it all. Atop said podium lies a very familar wine red sports car, and the two people who made it tick like a Rolex…
Jack (taking up the mic): Alright, people! Now I know this party has been nothing below off the freakin’ chain. But we have some very special guests to attend to! And I think y’all wanna hear what they got to say, because they’re Victors. Not in name, but in game. Ladies and gentlemen, your winners of the second ever Great Automation Run, Devon Squires and Ollie Newman; TEAM CANON FODDER!!!
Massive cheers and applause follows. Devon is throwing up the horns with his fingers, whilst Ollie headbangs on the way to Jack.
Jack: So, how does it feel to be the winner of the second Great Automation Run, you crazy mothers?
Devin - Dude, it’s absolutely unreal.
Ollie - Oh man, this is so awesome. I mean, we like, should have died back there. But we’re here, and in first place, baby! WOOOOOOOOOO!
Jack: I see no halos over you heads yet, bros. I’d say crowns would look pretty sweet right now tho.
I have to ask, how did you guys find this gem of a car? We saw people with V12 swaps, mad lifts and professional gear. Yet you even beat a turbo’d minivan on the way here, to the Victors’ Pedestal!
Ollie - So my uncle knows like, a million car guys or something. I didn’t tell him where we were going, just that we wanted something cool that could handle off-roading.
Devin - But we didn’t want a Jeep.
Ollie - Totally. Way overdone. So he found this dude who has like, an alpaca farm, and the dude had this car there. We got a sweet deal on it.
Jack: I feel ya, Jeeps are only good for Walmarts. A “Jeep Thing”? More like Jeep No-thing, amirite people!? (moar cheers) I just hope the alpacas didn’t think your car was No.2, if y’all catch my drift.
You saw how freakin’ dangerous this race was. Did you at any moment think about slowing down and just ditch the race? Or were you too hardcore for that pacifist crap?
(Ollie and Devin look at each other, then Devin lifts the chainsaw and they start screaming Judas Priest’s “Breakin the Law”, just like Beavis and Butthead)
After laughing for a couple minutes…
Jack: Haha, look at these motherfuckers. They’re livin’ the winners life and rockin’ the fuck out! But we do need an answer, dudes. Cough it out.
Devin - I really wanted a shower to get all the sand out of my ass, but at that point it was too late. Just kept going.
Jack: Yeah that stuff is good for yo ass anyways. The brown flows better or sumshit.
What was your favorite moment out of the entire race? And speaking of favorites, who did you thought was going in as one?
Ollie - Oh yeah! I remember at the beginning of the race, there was this river!
Devin - Shut up.
Ollie - And Devin forgot to put it in four wheel drive, and we got stuck…
Devin (as he punches Ollie’s shoulder) - I said shut up, asswipe!
Ollie - Ow! Butthole! (punches him back)
they exchange glares
Devin - Anyway, I thought that Proletariat Alpaca looked pretty mean. I thought they had a good chance.
Jack: Yo guys must have a thing for alpacas or somethin’, haha. Here’s hoping you use a condom first! Just kiddin’, the only beasts worthy of bestiality are our sweet Orcs, right girls!? (so much cheering you wouldn’t even know. Oh, and whistling)
There’s somethin’ else that been bothering me. Canon Fodder. Where did that name come from?
Ollie - Uh… How did it go again, Devin?
Devin - Yo don’t ask me, it was your idea, smartass! The Carnival fair, remember?
Ollie - Oh yeah, that thing we did! So fucking sick… Alright, there was this fair in your town, and they were looking for dudes eager to be human cannon balls. They offered a prize money ‘cause they thought no one was brave to do that shit.
Devin - Yea, so Ollie here asked me to do it. I didn’t wanna, so he started doin’ chicken noises. I punched him in the stomach and went for it. And man, I got some height on that bad boy!
Ollie - But dude got so much height he crashed into a nearby photo store’s window. By the time people got there, he was flashing his mouth. Why? ‘Cause he had a photo camera in his throat! The button musta jammed or somethin’, because it was constantly taking pics.
Jack: Haha, oh wow, that’s a story to tell yo children, grandchildren and even the President’s children! That shit needs to be put on a library, photos and all!
Well, only one question left, then. What’s next for Canon Fodder, kings of Bolivia and champions of the world’s craziest death race? Where will your crazy asses be after this?
Devin - Hookers and blow, baby! Hookers and blow!
Ollie - On a yacht!
Jack: All good ideas, boys. But there’s this tiny chick I know who likes to ask “Why not both?” I’d say you guys could pick up on her sweet advice. But before you go, there’s something else we’d like to give you. Courtesy of our sponsor, Browiser, a 10-year supply of free beer! Yo guys look like people with thirst, so here’s man’s sweetest water for you!
Jack hands over a check, representing his “sweet” offer. Of course, Canon Fodder rock out like something fierce, holding said check over their heads. After a few quick photos, they’re on the way out, still rocking out.
Jack: Don’t drink that shit if you’re driving, we promised no bottles until you’re flying home, you crazy nutjobs. Alright people, now there is only one more thing to do. But that isn’t party hard, oh no. It’s PARTY EVEN HARDER!!!
One incredibly loud party later, our trio is sitting near the desert coast, overlooking the sunset. Most of the event material has been taken away on trucks, but the Nash sits close by.
Hugh: Jesus, my ears feel like I spent my whole life doing bomb tests. My headache will never sit this down.
Sly: But it was so much fun, tho! I got to be the DJ for so many people, and they were all dancin’ and in great spirits!
Jack: Yeah, thanks for that, Sly. If I had to pull DJ and hosting duties, I’d be dropping dead right now.
???: Oh, don’t you worry. There is still enough time for your time to burn out.
Hugh (staring back at the mysterious voice): …El Nabo!
Dun dun… duuuuun?
To Be Continued!
Well I did say the epilogue would be posted today, but I didn’t say all of it would… (also because I feel it’d be too much text for one sitting, looking at other posts’ lengths)
So, @Madrias, hopefully I did well with Rental Wreckers and Aston’s Orc Krew’s burial of the hatchet.
And of course, many thanks to @VicVictory for taking his free
work time to answer Jack’s questions! Bar the name question (a last second thing I felt would be funny), all the other answers were Vic’s doing. Enjoy the beer, but only after you get to the airport!