On paper at least! Totally not trying to make more people buy Sofas or anything. Nope. Not me.
1 Like
Team Dock Tower Secret Meeting
Hosted in Grimsby, just off the A180
Luke - “Right guys, it’s time to buy a car for this Sunday Cup… thing.”
Sajed - “Well, I know a guy who owns a car dealer called WallKart, he said he’s an expert in selling cars for trackdays.”
Luke - “Just remember we only have a 10K Budget so we really want something with as little miles as possible and that has a strong engine.”
Corey - “Yeah you’re right, as little miles as possible would be good, but we do want room to modify the car, I do like to get my hands dirty!”
Sajed - “Ok then, what about this '85 Berlinette 200?”
Luke - “It’s rear wheel drive, that’s good, but the engine is in the back, it may be a bit of a handfull”
Corey - “Also it is an 80’s turbo, with 205BHP and having done 80K Miles, I would skip it, especially considering it costs almost all our budget”
Luke - “Well, to me that leaves the Venture or the Helix, the 909 is too small and the other two cars here are old v8’s with what look to be bargey body’s”
Sajed - “I like the Venture”
Corey - “So do I, it is perfect, an Inline 6 with a turbo, 280 Bhp and very little miles, it’s a buy”
**All Three" - “Venture It is then!!”
Part 2 - Sajed has just got back with the car
Corey - “Me Likey, a lot!!”
Luke - “Ok, not much needs to be done here, Saj, you respray the car with that tin of factory LLA paint, Corey, give the engine a quick tune, I want at least 20 more Horses and I’ll get to work on stripping the interior”
Corey & Sajed - “Ok Boss, Let’s get going”
From here the guys speant the entire weekend prepping the car for racing. After a while it was ready, ready to kick some ass
6 Likes
Team Getaway Plan
Skyler entered the workshop, as usual with Discman in hand. This time he’s in a Smash Mouth mood, listening to Walkin’ on the Sun. In his other hand his fingers drum a catalog. He makes his way into the office in the back, where Maria sits, sipping a coffee. “Morning!” She chirps as he pulls off a headphone. He just smiles in response. “So, found anything you like?” He drops the catalog on the desk, and flicks it to a page with six different cars.
“Only this page.” he says.
“That’s it?” she replies in surprise.
“You’re surprised that something called Dan’s Early Special Premium Automobiles and Completely Intelligent Trucks and Off-roaders has no sports cars?”
“…Point taken…” She says defeated as she looks down the list of cars.
As she looks through the list, Skyler says, “You know it kinda seems like they worked backwards from an acronym or something right?”
“…Yeah? What’s Despacito though?”
“No clue.”
“Anyway… Yeah these choices aren’t perfect. Lot of these cars have basically no history for me to find…”
“What’s our budget?”
“Ten thousand dollars…” She pauses for a moment as she stares at the list. “Let’s get rid of some stuff. I think we should go cheaper, have more room for fine tuning ourselves. So…” She pulls out a red marker pen and begins crossing off cars. “That takes out the Caliban, the Epoch and the ZAF. What do you think of the Arai?”
“It looks bigger and heavier. All-wheel drive is nice, but I can do without. I’d prefer something lighter.”
“Glad we agree”, she says as she crosses it off. “Now… two mid engine rear drive sports cars… The Neko is a real looker. Pretty, and 163hp from a turbo I4 isn’t bad. Meanwhile that LLA Comet is… a thing. Pretty plain looking, low power, but hopefully that means low weight. Also that low price means we can do things…”
“You’re the mechanic, so let’s go cheap.”
“Sure then… You should probably stay here while I… Negotiate…” She quickly leaves the room, yelling goodbye as she disappears.
Maria walks into a filled parking lot, home of Dan’s Early Special Premium Automobiles and Completely Intelligent Trucks and Off-roaders, with some weird jazz playing in the background. Her eyes are set on the LLA Comet. It’s parked out the front, with faded paint, but otherwise looks in good shape. After a quick exchange with a salesman, she leaves with the old sports car, but not before asking one important question to the salesman.
“So is the dealership name an acronym or what?” He just nods in response. “So what is Despacito?”
“It’ll make sense in a decade or two. Probably.” is all he says, leaving her confused on the drive back to the workshop.
Back at the workshop, she immediately gets to work. First, some wide fender flares go on, with some wider but smaller wheels under them. Removing the fancy speaker for a basic system would fulfil Skyler’s need for music while saving weight, and some smaller 3 piston vented brakes reduced weight without hurting stopping power.
Next came the engine. A massive turbo and some minor engine tuning for 95 octane fuel gets the power up easily. Opening up the gearbox and swapping ratios came next, then a flat floor under the car and a new wing to improve high speed handling. Adjusting the suspension
After that, she gave the car a new coat of paint, with a black two tone. Then Some totally functional canards were added, along with some rally lights because rally lights are badass. Finally, the number 11 was added on the doors and frunk.
Skyler appeared just as she finished. Without saying a word, he peered into the window. “Just an 8 track then?”
“That’s what you want to know?”
“Well duh. I need some music. Most of my stuff is on CD.”
Maria sighs. “I’ll figure out something…”
“Good. So, is it fast?” She throws the keys at him. He grins in response, then gets in. The engine roars to life and he accelerates out the garage.
9 Likes
Me Likey…
Nice to see what the comet could become
BTW, the comet was meant to be a basic looking car, when it was designed it was thought that anything unnecessary should be ditched
Oi, that sounds somewhat familiar… Seems Maria and I share mindsets. Too bad they don’t work with the (un)common naming conventions!
Also those are some meaty tires, hot damm. Skyler likes a good dose of menace with his car’s looks…
1 Like
Team Mountain Pass
or
That time I lived in Japan and entered some grassroots racing competitions!
You see why we went with Team Mountain Pass now… 
Prologue
Andrew Morgan here.
I was asked to write up my experiences of entry level motorsport for when I was an Aussie expat living in the land of the rising sun. Please note that I was flat broke at the time and I was getting by on freelance article royalties, working at a gas station and moonlighting as a host at a swanky Tokyo nightclub…
It was early 1999, about February from memory, when my old 1981 Bogliq Fox died. Not mechanically though; it was rear ended by a Yakusa thug in an ancient Ardent. The subsequent fireball was said to have been able to have been seen from the top of Mt Fuji! Needless to say, I was really inconvenienced by not having a car, since my whole life at that point was built around the ownership of that Bogliq. I also wasn’t going to have any luck getting money from the Yakusa since they said it was my fault that my car was parked where they needed to drive… I now had to beat their thug in a downhill touge to be able to stay in the city!
They generously gave me a week to prepare, so I took out a loan and went car shopping. I needed something cheap, agile and quick so I decided to buy an ERA. I found one at モロンはここで購入する; red, cute and ready to race!
Check out another one in a local car trading advert HERE
After I nearly killed myself oversteering my way to victory over the Yakusa, I decided I’d join a local car club and get involved in their racing league. I then proceeded to tune the ERA so it didn’t try to shove me into bushes/guardrail/pedestrians arse first. Once that was completed, I splurged on a new coat of paint since I needed to go incognito RE: the Yakusa.
Looked nice and drove really well!
How well did I go, I hear you ask, well you’ll have to wait for the next issue of Mountain Pass so you can find out!
Andrew Morgan signing off…
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Seabeast Motorsports
Eric Jonrosh, the driver of Seabeast Motorsports awaits at the garage for his mechanic, Barry Dylan to arrive with the car they will enter the ASC '99 with. He fell ill and was unable to travel with Barry to find their weapon of choice. Eric daydreams of demolishing the competition in a Caliban or tearing through corners in a Hariken.
Suddenly the sound of the garage door almost startles Eric and he makes his way out of the office…
Eric stands in shock for a solid 45 seconds while Barry climbs out of the horror that lays before him.
Eric: Barry…what the hell is this?
Barry: 'Sup man! You won’t believe what I found!
Eric: An old van? What is this? You couldn’t find something a little faster?
Barry: You don’t understand, its the real Mystery Machine from Scoo-
Eric: I don’t care where it’s from! Take it back. We need something fast if we are gonna stand a chance.
Barry: No can do. I got it from this guy Crazy Vaclav who was getting rid of all his stuff before his place closed. I didn’t recognize any of the cars, but then this caught my eye.
Eric: Are you crazy?
Barry: No he’s crazy.
Eric…inhales…exhales…
Eric: Alright. Give it to me. What are we dealing with here?
Barry : Don’t worry I can make this thing a monster. It’s got a V6 twinturbo and a ton of weight we can shed.
Eric: Well, OK. I guess we are stuck with it, but we are painting it black. No way I’m rolling out in a Mystery Machine in the ASC.
Barry: Aw man, then it wouldn’t be the Mystery Machine anymore.
2 weeks later…
Eric: I gotta say I’m sorry I doubted ya. This is one helluva sleeper.
Barry: They won’t know what hit 'em. You were almost as fast as the Maladus out there.
Eric: Almost…I still don’t think we can win, but it looks badass. At least we will put on a show.
Barry: Oh yes we will…
2 days until Tsukuba
Eric: Alright lets get some test laps before we-
Eric: BARRRYYYY!!!
20 Likes
CSM's Tales: Comfy Sofa, Competitive Ross
Somwhere outside the track of Tsukuba, Japan. Charlie Nash and his team of mechanics arrived, accompanied by the team’s trucks. One mechanic approaches Nash…
Mech: Boss, may I ask a question?
Charlie: Fire away.
Mech: Are we really racing a Sofa?
Charlie: The hell? No we’re not racing a damm Sofa! Who said that…!?
Mech: Several magazines claim to have seen a Sofa driving around Japan with our team’s colors…
Charlie: Damm idiot, our car is over there! (points at a covered car stepping out of one of the trucks) We have our car, and it’s not a stinkin’…
Suddendly, a Sofa painted in the team’s colors of green and black shows up, stopping near the team’s waiting spot. Unlike how it should be, only the bumpers are black. Stepping out the car is…
Charlie: Manny! How did… you know what? I’m not even gonna bother asking.
Manny: Good, that means you’ll concentrate on the track then. Let’s go, guys!
Sometime later, inside CSM’s garage…
Manny (working on the car): Nashie my friend, this is quite the sight. Between my childhood movie cars and all these famous drivers, I might need to pinch both my arms and legs!
Charlie: I still fear waking up in my house and thinking it’s all a dream, Manny. So much… (spots a familar old cap moving past the garage’s entrance)
Manny: Wait, that cap is…
Charlie: Keeping working on the car, Manny. I’ll be right back.
Charlie rushes out of the garage, following the man. Eventually, he gathers the courage to adress him…
Charlie: Mr. Ross, yeah?
Oliver Ross: Sorry, have we met?
Charlie: Um… not in person, no. My name is Charlie Nash, sir. Friends call me “Guile”…
Oliver: Wait, did you say “Nash”? Are you related to one Walter Nash, by any chance?
Charlie: By blood and parenthood, sir. I am CSM’s driver… and Walter’s son.
Oliver: Well I’ll be dammed. I’d introduce myself, but it seems you know me quite well. Is something wrong?
Charlie: …no, it’s nothing, sir! Er, I mean no, I just wanted to talk for a bit… if that’s alright with you.
Oliver: I’m a bit pressed for time, but… You did ask politely, I can see you waited for this for a long time. Oh, and drop the formalities. In here, we’re all equals, regardless of track experience. Call me Oliver.
Charlie: Thank you, sir! (facepalms) Christ… I mean thanks, Oliver.
Oliver: That’s the ticket. So, Charlie, what did you want to talk about?
Charlie: Well, since you said you’re pressed for time, only a couple of things. What are you going to drive?
Oliver: That beauty over there. (points at the Dragotech Sagitta, peeking out of Throwback’s garage) We’re still putting the finishing touches to it, though…
Charlie: A Sagitta…? It is a nice car, but oddly modern for something… well, something you would drive.
Oliver: There are no age limits to speed, kid. I’d be doomed against you if that was the case, haha.
Charlie: Er, that’s not what I meant. The Sagitta is only a year old, yes? It may have not been broken in properly…
Oliver: But it’s mid-engined, and light on its feet. Less strain on the components, and losing control of it isn’t on my to-do list. Speaking of rides, what are you driving…?
Charlie: Well that’s the other thing I wanted to talk about. Could you come to our garage quickly?
Oliver: Alright, but we have to make it snappy. Lead the way, hot shot.
Charlie and Oliver head to CSM’s garage, where the car is still under wraps. Manny himself is inside the car, tweaking a few details.
Charlie: Here we are. Manny! We’re heading out! Oh, and I’d like you to meet someone.
Manny (stepping out of the car from the driver’s seat): Right on cue, Nashie. And Mr. Ross, it’s a major honor. Manny Vega, chief mechanic.
Oliver: Likewise, Manny. So Charlie, you’re taking the wraps off for me? Talk about an exclusive conference…
Charlie: Actually, si… dammit! That’s not the case, Oliver. I wanted to do this with Mr. Turini, but he’s already out there setting laps. No wasted motion, just like I expected from a Turini… I’d like you to have this, Oliver.
Oliver: I see… You want an autograph. Well, I’ll get to it once I get back to my garage.
Charlie (getting in the car): Actually, that side is the cover. Well, I have to set a few laps myself. It was a massive honor, Oliver. I hope we can have a fair and exciting battle out there.
Oliver: You know where to find my old man’s car… Guile. 
Charlie grins from ear to ear, then gets into the car. In a flash, Manny takes the cover off and Charlie fires up the distinctive turbo engine. All of this happens while Oliver was still checking the picture out, so he misses the car heading out…
Oliver: “That side is the cover”…? What did he mean by that? Wait, why is this photo so damm thick?
Oliver flips the photo around, finding something else…
Oliver: … Hahahahahaha! Walter, your kid may not have your fear of racing, but he’s certainly inherited your sense of humor…
Well here it is, @Mr.Computah. Hope this sequel didn’t follow the sequel rules and didn’t actually suck as a follow-up!
11 Likes
SARA gentlemen's cup offices, Modane
Watteau - “So, Jean, is the car ready yet ?”
Turini - “Sure - I’ve removed everything I could to strip some weight, gained about 50 kilos dumping those silly comfort features, slammed a turbo in there - tuned for economy, we’re already at the power/weight ratio limit, stiffened everything that needed to… This car is a track monster now - though you’ll probably get some ass sores sitting in it”
Watteau “Jean, remember, we have to keep the comfort to the road-legal level (10)”
Turini “You gotta be kidding ???”
Watteau " We only have 24 hours to make this car compliant, get back to work… And quick"
Thus, a very unhappy Turini got back to the Caliban, putting back the AC and some decent seats…
“This ruins my balance - I had made something great, now between this silly comfort threshold and the ridiculous budget I can’t do something decent - I have to put on aero just to shave a few cents”
Watteau - “drop the turbos, Jean”
Turini - “no way. I worked way to hard to get those, plus when the opponents see we got a TT V8 they’ll get scared - it’s not about getting faster, it’s about making them slower”
And… It’s done… Obviously, the car isn’t balanced anymore, with Turini having to run through hoops to keep both the comfort and budget in line, downtuning here and there to save a few precious bucks…
But the Caliban fits in the regulations, and runs (a little bit) faster once tuned than it did previously.
Time to head to Tsukuba !
4 Likes
Time for some “story” writing:
B12: B1, B2! Come and see this!
Andrew was clearly excited, so the twins made their way over to where he was reading something on his phablet. Sarah and Jane had been Andrew’s friends since daycare, or, so their mother told them; he insisted on calling them B1 and B2, something they’d gotten used to. He was going through his emails, and had a reply from the organisers of a short race series.
B12: You’re after some publicity as racers, so I took the liberty of entering you in a competition. It’s called the Sunday Cup. 5 races, 5 very different tracks… all around the world.
B1: Billiant! We get to race like actual professionals! This is going to be sooo good!
B2: I’m going to assume you’ve chosen our official name. Properly. Not some stupid thing that’ll make us look like childrens entertainers. And what about wheels? What tier is this? How well-equipped is the competition?
B12: I’ve got all of the details here, you can look at them later.
B1: Sponsors, fans, glory!
Jane just looked at her highly excitable sister, and shook her head.
The rest of the day was spent discussing circuits, transport and budgets. As night fell, Andrew told his friends that the car would be arriving within the week, then made his way to a late-night dealer while his companions were busy thrashing a rent-a-bomb around a nearby track, only telling them he had business to attend to. It might be better if at least one of them didn’t know what he was planning.
3 days later
The tow-truck rolled to a stop outside the garage they had set up as their workshop, conveniently adjacent to a small, low-profile circuit.
B2: There’s a tow-truck here. A customer. Where the hell is…“Kirov’s Garage Base”?
B12: Aaah! That’s what we’ve been waiting for. Come, look. You’ll love it.
They headed out to the waiting truck so that they could all be disappointed together.
B2: What exactly am I looking at here, B12?
B12: Stop calling me B12.
B2: Stop having a mushroom hair style.
B1: Is that what it looks like? For real? I’ve always wanted to drive one of those things!
B12: Yes, my friend, it most certainly is.
B2: Are you having fun over-reacting? It’s a very-used car. What are we supposed to do with this again? Win? Not likely.
B12: It fits all of the rules. Although it might not look like much yet, there’s MAJOR potential in that engine. And the chassis, these things are rumoured to be quite handy.
B2: That couldn’t outrun my granny in her walker-frame.
B12: Don’t be so quick to judge, B2. When we’re done, it’ll be a different story. Take it next door. Go for a fang, get a “baseline”.
Discussions were had, the driver was paid, the car was unloaded.
Andrew opened the boot of his car (again conveniently located RIGHT NEXT to where they were standing, and pulled out their new racing gear. Blue-and-white striped racing overalls…with yellow helmets.
B2: Quit it, you potato! I don’t want to look like a banana!
B1: You sound like you could use one.
Over the next few weeks, the car was rebuilt, tested and tweaked half to death. The result seemed, although a little trickier to drive, much more suited to semi-pro racing. Whether it was or not would be learned quite soon.
6 Likes
The Throwback Club: pre race 2.
Oliver smiled as he flipped the photography, laughing briefly.
Oliver: “Walter, your kid may not have your fear of racing, but he’s certainly inherited your sense of humor…”
Oliver grabbed a marker and signed the photo, leaving it somewhere Charlie and Manny could see it before excusing himself out of CSM’s boxes. He kept walking down the pits before he stopped in front of Seabeast’s boxes, the Mistery Machine peeking slightly out of the garage.
Oliver: “Remember me, fellas?”
(@Chickenbiscuit this part is all yours 
)
A day later…
The Dragotec Sagitta clears the penultimate corner of Suzuka, getting some sideways action as the turbo kicks in. The lap was ended prematurely with Oliver entering the pits again, parking the car inside Throwback Club’s garage.
Chen: “How’s the car, boss?”
Oliver: “Pretty quick out there Chen, but it’s a bit tail happy. Can you make it a bit tighter?”
Chen: “Not sure I can without crippling its performance Oliver, it’s the nature of mid engined cars. Have a break before you go out there again, okay?”
Oliver got out of the car, removing his open face helmet. He contoured his body out of the car.
Chen: “By the way, I heard you paid the CSM guys a visit?”
Oliver: “Yep. They’re modifying a Sofa, we’ll have to see what they have done to it. Really nice people by the way, their driver happens to be Walter Nash’s son.”
Chen: “Any other people you saw out there?”
Oliver: “Yeah. Walk and talk…”
12 Likes
The Drunken Dragons: The prep
The purchase:
Patrick: “Hey, this is a surprisingly good purchase of you, Billy”
Nina: “Low mileage, relatively modern and V6 MR? it was a no brainer, he rather should’ve gotten a scolding should he not have bought it.”
Billy: “Oh shut it, it still was a pretty blind buy, and luckily I was happily surprised when we got it here in the shop”
Nina: Nods “Yep yep, just a bit of HUGE boost and it’s good to go”
Patrick: “Just…Not too much boost okay? I’d rather survive a corner or two”
Billy: “Don’t worry, there’s enough budget left for some fat tyres, fat tyres solve everything in life.”
After a lot of sweat, tears and Belgian beers:
Patrick: “Did…it really have to be this shiny?”
Billy: “Ofcourse, atleast when you crash people will notice!”
Patrick: “Harr harr, very funny. Just make sure to not spill fuel on me again like during the test runs.”
Nina: “Nawh, just thought you’d feel at home like that considering the beer you usually spill.”
Patrick: “Oh ffs”
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Oh no the lie is spreading. Soon even the racing organizers will label our car as a Sofa! Arai is not going to like this very much (as much as CSM doesn’t like the fact Arai “stole” their badge)… 
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The tire width some of you guys are packing is… Less than confidence inspiring
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God yeah. My 180 fronts are starting to feel inadequate.
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Would it lower your moral further to say mine are over 300 by a decent amount?
…Or that the Scooby-Doo van has 315s 
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Only 315s? May as well be bicycle tyres if they’re that thin!