September 27, 1979, 11 AM
Tony stand outside the Takada showroom. It’s shiny and new, bought from a gray importer just recently - which explains why it’s so close to his home and so far from downtown Jackson. The Dignitary - actually one of Takeda’s larger models - was first on Tony’s list not only because of the dealer’s proximity, but also because it seemed the most dynamically similar to his old car. Minus the stalls, hopefully.
Obtaining the keys from the rep, Tony stepped into the Dignitary and was pleasantly surprised by its high-quality leather interior and its new cassette player. He was pleased that each car he was checking out had some form of track player as opposed to merely a radio: perhaps it meant he was crossing over to a new social status. Getting out onto a big road, Tony noted that the Takada was indeed similar to his old car performance-wise: Somewhat wallowy, none too quick, but decently collected overall. It also shared the unfortunate habit of getting loud at highway speeds, with a low top gear - since the extra gear when compared to his Plymouth’s Torqueflite was merely there to help the acceleration not suck worse than it did. Tony imagined that the car would be thrifty enough if he actually followed the national speed limit, but he knew most of the guys wouldn’t let him live it down if he did.
Tony walks away from the Dignitary satisfied. He would’ve hoped for it to be a bit more solid, but it’s not bad at all; and he has a feeling his battle-tested body would thank him for the switch if he were to commit. The trim he test-drove was $15,700 - a fair lump of money, but also significantly below Tony’s limit. All while looking damn good.
PROS: Comfortable; Reasonably cheap; Economical; Looks good.
CONS: Loud on the highway; Underpowered; Lowest reliability in finals.
With Mitsushita’s dealership built in the middle of a disused industrial area, Tony joked to himself that the car might’ve materialized from right there. This isn’t that far from the truth, as the Japanese-designed compact was assembled in Kentucky as protection against quotas and taxes on imports. The Karna that he’s come to visit is painted in a funky purple; Tony muses that it’s not exactly Mike Maverick’s color scheme. Inside and out, the Karna has the same “good enough” feel that’s so pervasive in the Dignitary, while offering some novel features like its space-saving front-drive and an airbag restraint system; on a less bright note, it also
looks cheaper and more phoned-in despite costing slightly more than its rear-drive rival. Out on the road, Tony finds that the Mitsushita is a very quiet car, aided by its dual muffler and a slightly less aggressive final drive; and its engine has surprisingly more grunt than the Takeda’s, the displacement contributing to a much punchier start. Tony is particularly pleased with the operation of the car’s lockup clutch, which grants it much better highway passing behavior.
Dropping off the Karna, Tony is visited by a sense of longing. It’s objectively a good car, performing and to a point even feeling better than the Takeda - but it just doesn’t feel half as sweet when it looks so chintzy, to the point where his own Plymouth looks like more of an occasion. Made in Kentucky? Yeah, it shows. Tony is surprised to find that though he was dead-set on getting a very practical car, if this is the price of practicality - he isn’t paying.
PROS: Very economical; Comfortable and modern; Good safety.
CONS: Looks uninspiring and cheap; Second-worst reliability in finals.
For the next several cars - the European ones - Tony has to make his way to a trendy part of town. At one point, the ritzy Euro-car dealers made this place their home and never left. Not even the British brand, Calcote, despite the fact some larger and more mass-market players from that country never made it far in the market. On the heels of the warm review of the Superior sedan, Tony arrived here first, excited for a damn good car - and was shot down almost immediately by that color. What the hell is this, “piss-running-down-leg” hue? And why does it have these ugly, unstyled steelies? Blegh. Trying not to show the sales rep just how confused he was, Tony received the keys and sat down in the car - and though the review he’d read had readied him, the huge wheel indicating the presence of manual steering just about made him depressed. As did the very primitive eight-track with no bass/treble setting. Now, once his desire to just get right back out of the car slowly faded on the road, Tony did find the Superior a pleasant drive. As quiet as the Karna and smoother - and with even more get-up-and go; and, speaking of sound, not a single interior rattle. Just dead solid. Though a first-year car’s reliability can never be guaranteed - and Tony knew this the hard way - he felt that this car could have no quit in it whatsoever. The Calcote also had the same transmission tech as did the Karna, granting great high-speed capacity and - at least supposedly - economy.
So, on balance, Tony had exited the Superior in a better mood than he had entered it. It was still a weird car with a weird look, a weird (in this case) color and less overall comfort than either of the cheaper Japanese cars, it felt like it had an intangible measure of quality and confidence the rising star had been looking for.
PROS: Incredibly reliable; Very well-scouted power range; Solid economy.
CONS: Looks like a very derisive poverty spec; Heaviest manual-steered car in test; Short powerband; Undercontented.
When Tony approached the Wichsen dealership, he was met with the sight of dozens of similar-looking cars - but he knew from his research they were all different inside. Engine sizes, interior specs, the like - all can be customized. But even the one he is eventually led to - the gray, non-luxurious 5256i - is still the very image of dignity and solidity. That’s how you treat your entry-level customer. Alloys? Yes. Big engine? Yes. Airbag? Also yes, though it comes inside a one-size-fits-all wheel connected to a manual steering box. Like the Calcote, the equipment level isn’t quite as generous as that of the Japanese cars, but, again, the car’s bolted down dead solid. On the road, Tony notices that the car is much more lively than the other three he’s been in so far, with a sportier suspension tune that he’s not necessarily used to. On the ‘plus’ side, however, there engine is smooth, quiet and very, very powerful for the class - almost 140 horsepower, making the car the quickest and best-passing he’s driven so far. That said, after his test-drive, Tony still felt that the firmer ride did it few favors.
Tony’s impression coming away from the Wichsen is that it does much of what the Calcote did - without making fun of him with poverty-spec trim or being overly ungainly in its exterior. At a price that just about matches both the Calcote and the Mitsushita, this is one well-balanced option.
PROS: Looks like a Sir; Pretty quick; Solid economy; Reliable and easy to fix.
CONS: Undercontented; Overdamped; Could use just a bit more overdrive.
By late afternoon, Tony reaches the Arco dealership to take a look at their novel four-wheel-drive sports sedan. It sure is a looker - the traditional, aggressive front and a fuselage body shape distinguishing it from most other cars. Mike is particularly a fan of the brutal flattened-out wheel arches covering bulky aluminum wheels. The Arco is up to par in terms of gadgets and doodads, but it does also have a stick-shift - something no other car he’s driven today - or in the past three years - had. Gingerly, then, Tony eases into first and goes on a drive. It doesn’t take long to realize that the Civetta is, well… Weird. The European has a big, rattly four-cylinder engine that makes exactly as much power that the Wichsen’s six-cylinder did, except it cuts fuel flow too early to make the best use of said power. Its harshness is mitigated by the outright cruiser gear that is fifth gear - but at highway speeds, the car suffers from wind noise relating to the massive holes made in the front for cooling purposes. It’s like an overcomplicated tractor, really, though not in that bad a way, as Tony discovers that the car handles in a wonderfully confident way and stops well, too - though the fronts are perhaps too weak. As with the Wichsen, the price is a ride that’s harsher than what Tony is used to.
The Arco presents a different kind of drive than the rest of the cars so far: much more tactile and involved. It’s decently reliable, drives great, and its lack of perceived comfort and relaxation are largely attributable to the manual transmission and (once again) steering. It’s pretty good.
PROS: Dead easy to drive; Good-looking; Good economy.
CONS: Not very soft and comfortable; Weird engine and cooling choices; Short powerband.
Tony takes his time dining between the golden arches, so to speak, so it’s almost sundown by the time he reaches the Caplan dealership. Dating back to better times, it’s located downtown - and as with many other US cities, it’s a locale that’s worn down and neglected. Not so when it comes to the Chesapeake, though; the glass T-bar roof, the bold four-eyed front, all of it combines to make for an assertive and durable exterior. On the inside, Tony appreciates the adjustability of the 8-track and its intricate quality in playing his tape of Paranoid that he bought a year ago. The seats are both soft and supportive, and despite the two doors, rear space is more than plentiful. Now, with the lockup-equipped four-speed, it’s more than a competent highway cruiser: with its front drive, it’s also easy and predictable to control. Tony was expecting a good bit more out of that fabled turbo engine. Instead, even with the force-feeding, the 3-liter fails to seriously out-pull the Calcote and Wichsen’s freer-breathing sixes. Now, mind you, the turbo does provide the low-down grunt for the adequate acceleration while being both whisper-quiet and having a much lower level of highway revs than either of its European rivals. Tony isn’t actually as incensed about the low power level as he is about the poor rated economy and the absolutely non-existent throttle response.
Tony returns relieved that the American is no pushover, and amazed by how good the fit and finish is - especially in contrast to his Plymouth - but he does think that for all of the flash and fanfare, the whole “turbo” business isn’t all that. The Chesapeake is a very cool car, and a pretty good one, but it ain’t no muscle car.
PROS: Rock solid; Very prestigious; Mean-looking; Comfortable.
CONS: Bit of a guzzler; Slow for a Turbo; Not the safest.
As the sun flares up for the last time before disappearing below the horizon, it shines on Tony’s last demo car of the day: a small, spiffy Canadian hatchback. Swanson’s an unusual company, but - as with Caplan - they’ve been around for a long while, and this dealership - the neighborhood around it also having deteriorated significantly - is proof. Tony notes the wide flat six under the hood, pressed between the unequal-length arms of the front suspension - though a short stroke and deck somewhat alleviate this. Inside the stubby little slugger lies a decently-sized interior - courtesy of the taller roof - with its centerpiece being a bold gated five-on-deck shifter. It also features a well-made 8-track - not as intricate as the masterwork buried inside the Caplan, but pleasant nonetheless. The overall impression the insides of the Swanson leave is: solid and reassuring. Tony wouldn’t want to be the one changing the plugs on the Swanson, but supposedly it won’t need to be a common occurrence. Driving the Swanson (after the hassle of getting it off the lot courtesy of the surprisingly fast, thus tight, manual rack) Tony finds himself having fun. The engine is revvy, the shifter is silky (and, of course, features an ever-appreciated long fifth for cruising) and despite the car only matching the power of the Europeans, it’s so much lighter that it flies in comparison. Rounding out the driving experience are a slightly too-sporty suspension and a feel that’s slightly too oversteery for Tony due to the hatch’s notably wide-for-size tires.
The Swanson’s a different beast, Tony concludes, but even discounting all the fun it is, the hatch does everything he’d want it to: Carries five in dignity, has some trunk space, runs good, has comfy seats. One thing that actually blows Tony’s mind is the window sticker’s economy claim: Almost 30 mpg, head and shoulders around the rest of the field. And, also importantly, while Swansons are not very prestigious, this one looks spicy and special with the sassy stripe and the carved-out headlight housings.
PROS: On a hunger strike; Top-notch dynamics; Looks great; Quiet on highways.
CONS: Not comfortable; Not prestigious; Boxer in a tight space is concerning.
The Swanson is a very strong last car; but then again, several other remaining cars are solid choices as well. Thus, to his misery, Tony has to lug himself back home in the half-dead Volaré to make a decision. Sitting on his couch with yet another pizza on his lap, he takes to his notes.
The Calcote (7th) has to be the first one to go because it seriously, badly felt it was cramping Tony’s style - ungainly, piss-colored, and bearing ugly steelies. It’s not a bad car mechanically, but neither are the remaining ones - and they all look better. Okay, maybe the Mitsushita (6th) doesn’t look that much better, and that’s why that car has to get stuck back here as well.
The Takeda (5th), consequently, has to go too - because it was only slightly better than the Mitsushita when taking looks into account, and worse otherwise. Both of those cars, while comfortable and reasonable, also lacked solidity. The Arco (4th) has to follow along, too; it may be more drivable and powerful, but it’s also less comfortable and stands as the most expensive car out them all without being clearly the best one. An unenviable position.
Tony is thus left with just three: The Caplan, the Swanson, and the Wichsen. Of the three, the Caplan is a serious image leader with that snail attached to the engine - but it’s not quite as much pop now that Tony himself doesn’t buy its hype quite as much. It doesn’t change the fact that the Caplan is the most comfortable car out of the three, and the most solidly built. The Swanson is the opposite: light and just a bit more finicky, but much more pleasing to the senses - and the wallet, with that fuel sipper of an engine. It’s also the cheapest, 500 bucks less than the Wichsen and 900 less than the Caplan. This leaves the taxi-spec Wichsen as the jack of all trades - but with the important caveats of being the safest and cheapest to repair car.
That said, the Wichsen (3rd) is simply not cool enough to come forth, and lacks real big hits in its favor. And while the Caplan (2nd) does appeal to Tony’s penchant for the regular, spacious American car, its status as the worse of the three on paper (most expensive, worst to repair, slowest, most hungry) just dampens his enthusiasm for it. So in the end, he figures out that he could have saved himself his last drive in the Volaré after all: He is going to spring for the Swanson 225 PFi (1st). He might have to downsize once again even as he goes upmarket, but here’s a car whose practical strengths are good enough to elevate it to this level on their own - all while having the best looks and the most fun factor on top of that already competitive bundle. And hell, maybe having a more buff right hand and left leg will enhance his Maverick character somehow.
Thank you all for taking part in this challenge, and congratulations to @Ludvig on the victory! I am going to post fun facts and the challenge sheet at a later date. In the meantime, here is the hosting order:
WINNER: @Ludvig
2nd: @donutsnail
3rd: @LS_Swapped_Rx-7
4th: @Portalkat42
5th: @ChemaTheMexican
6th: @conan
7th: @Tsundere-kun
8th: @GetWrekt01, @ACoolCrab
9th: @shibusu
10th: @Mad_Cat