Mr. B. then proceeded to try to call the figure back. “Hey, who are you, get back here!” he exclaimed.
I think that phrase has “too many words in it” and I suggest the following correction:
But there was no response or action returned.
“But there was no response or action returned.”
It doesn’t sound that well to me… i think something like this would work better:
“But there wasn’t any response” Action isn’t exactly needed here.
Mr.B, slowly retreated in his bedroom, making sure no one was around him. As soon as he locked the door behind him, he rushed towards his cellphone and tried to call 911, but the screen went black and a satellite map with two flashing red spots appeared. “Now what?” He sighed.
EDIT: I fixed my plot issues.
[quote=“Sillyworld”]
But… Nobody came.
Just kidding. This post has nothing to do with the ongoing story and is not a correction (though I suggest a sentence like that should be as brief as possible for maximum impact).
[quote=“strop”]
[quote=“Sillyworld”]
But there was no response or action returned.[/quote]
But… Nobody came …] I suggest a sentence like that should be as brief as possible for maximum impact.[/quote]
Actually, I took that line from a Song (Windowpane by Opeth) and I always wondered if it was correct, it sounds a little odd, but I think it sounds almost… poetic.Anyways, back to the story:
Suddenly, he was lightheaded from the confussion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was only a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. [size=125]It’s just the hangover… I just need… to lay down for a moment…[/size]
[quote=“Sillyworld”]
Suddenly, he felt lightheaded from the confusion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was only a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. “It’s just the hangover… I just need… to lay down for a moment…” He said to himself[/quote]
I am guessing
Anyways
“You are pathetic” - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness. “Get the hell up, a little poison never killed anybody!” - the voice continued. “But mooooooooom” - Mr.B. replied sarcasically. “The SWAT team will breach this door in approximately 60 seconds! You need to get up right now and get out through the window” - the voice commanded. Mr B. Opened his eyes to find he is alone in the room, sound of rushing footsteps could be heard from downstairs.
adding to squidhead fixes. i think the word ‘only’ was unecessary
[quote=“Sillyworld”]
Suddenly, he felt lightheaded from the confusion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. “It’s just the hangover… I just need… to lay down for a moment…” He said to himself[/quote]
[quote=“squidhead”]
“You are pathetic” - he heard through a thick layer of half-consciousness. “Get the hell up, a little poison never killed anybody!” - the voice continued. “But mooooooooom” - Mr.B. replied sarcastically. “The SWAT team will breach this door in approximately 60 seconds! You need to get up right now and get out through the window” - the voice commanded. Mr B. Opened his eyes to find he is alone in the room, sound of rushing footsteps could be heard from downstairs.[/quote]
this part
i feel like something’s not quite right, but i don’t know what or how to fix it
“wowowowowow, WTF is happening, or happened last night?” Mr.B said, while grabbing the bare minimum clothes, phone and wallet in a panicked state.
“sht sht sht sht, gotta go fast” he said, while running towards the window, hoping he would find some way out.
[size=50]i’ve learned more english in these 2 pages than my whole middle school years O_O[/size]
[quote=“koolkei”]
“wowowowowow, WTF is happening, or happened last night?” Mr.B said, while grabbing the bare minimum clothes, phone and wallet in a panicked state.
“sht sht sht sht, gotta go fast” he said, while running towards the window, hoping he would find some way out.
you forgot to capitalize the first words of the sentences
Mr. B. then opened the window. He jumped out and found himself on a fire escape ten stories up.[/quote]
“There he is” he heard a shout from down below. Looking down Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.
For continuity’s sake, I would have added a dash between the quote and “he”. A comma should be placed after “down”. There should be a space in “Mr. B.”
Mr. B continued climbing until nearly reaching the roof of the building. He decided to attempt to hold off the police by throwing his shoe at the pursuing police officer. Before he could remove the shoe, Mr. B lost his grip on the rung of the ladder. He tumbled down, hitting the officer. He was now hanging onto the officer’s leg for dear life.
[quote=“koolkei”]adding to squidhead fixes. i think the word ‘only’ was unecessary
[quote=“Sillyworld”]
Suddenly, he felt lightheaded from the confusion and the fear of having a panic attack, like the ones he used to have when he was a child. Mr. B. just let himself fall to the floor and went into some kind of sleep. “It’s just the hangover… I just need… to lay down for a moment…” He said to himself[/quote]
[quote=“WhiteMercedes”]
For continuity’s sake, I would have added a dash between the quote and “he”. A comma should be placed after “down”. There should be a space in “Mr. B.”
Mr. B continued climbing until nearly reaching the roof of the building. He decided to attempt to hold off the police by throwing his shoe at the pursuing police officer. Before he could remove the shoe, Mr. B lost his grip on the rung of the ladder. He tumbled down, hitting the officer. He was now hanging onto the officer’s leg for dear life.[/quote]
A shadowy figure appeared from the window next to Mr. B. It pulled him into the window with lightning speed as he was flung across the new room. Outside he heard the screams of the officers as they plummeted six floors down to the street below.
[quote=“squidhead”]
“There he is!” He heard a shout from down below. Looking down, Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.[/quote]
trying to apply what you said. is this correct?
His head hit the wall after he was flung across the room. his mind goes back to half-conscious.
“HEY! Get up! Let’s GTFO of here!” A shouting that he heard from the stranger that pulled him in.
[quote=“koolkei”]
[quote=“squidhead”]
"There he is![/quote]
" He heard a shout from down below. Looking down, Mr.B saw a couple of police officers climbing same fire escape he was on. The only way to go was up.
trying to apply what you said. is this correct?
His head hit the wall after he was flung across the room. his mind goes back to half-conscious.
“HEY! Get up! Let’s GTFO of here!” A shouting that he heard from the stranger that pulled him in.[/quote]
continue it?
Fine. I was going to stop there and only answer your correction and its use, but I will also now critique your addition (you’re not going to like the brutality of this one) and add my own afterward. 
As a compendium, I am also going to add a website which is quite useful in determining proper English use. It can be found here. It is not an end-all-arguments source, but it will get you about as close as is actually possible, given the countless nuances of written and spoken English.
Mr. B instinctively took a swing in the direction of the voice but was blocked as he was flipped around, face against the wall instead. “You don’t want to burn a bridge with me. I’m your friend in this situation.” The feminine voice was rough and scratchy, and the woman who spoke with it seemed quite strong.
EDIT: See, this is why I didn’t respond initially. I knew it was going to come across as mean or rude, which wasn’t the intent.