did nobody notice that the deadline was set last year?
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I have no idea what you’re talking about… (looks around, whistles)
…
Fixed.
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I love roadtrips, I am in the mood to join:
Team Two Mothertrucking Idiots:
Driver No.1: Yurij “Moscow” Mikoyan, age 46, russian immigrant and seasoned truck mechanic, can rebuild a Monolith V12 Diesel in less than a day but hasn’t touched a gasoline engine in years. Once cannonballed coast to coast in a GMC Crackerbox, got pulled over twice in one day for speeding in a Monolith 12.18-55 Dump Truck. Loves aggressive techno music, whisky and loathes smoking.
Personal cars: 2004 Saminda C5 (2008-present), insert late 90s Automationverse full size SUV that isn’t a Monolith here (2006-present), 1988 Monolith 12.18-55 Dump Truck rebuilt into Motorhome (2004-present), formerly 1999 Dimension Andromeda (2003-2008) and 1991 Nohda Assent (1994-2003).
Driver No.2: Frank “Gnome” Smitt, age 26, good friend and drinking pal of Yurij’s, was briefly in a relationship with his daughter, Office clerk by day, car and truck enthusiast by night. Knows jack shit about 18-wheelers except they have myriads of bright lights and chrome. Loves Gangsta Rap and headbutting people unconscious. Has minor anger issues, not to be messed with despite his diminuitive stature. Loves Autocross and annoying the shit out of people.
Personal Cars: 2013 Zenshi Kamata (2015-present), formerly 2006 Zenshi Kamata (2014-2015), 2003 Saminda C3 SR (2012-2014), 1997 Erin Berlose (2011-2012), 1997 Auxuras C8 (2010-2014), 1992 Impakt 200 (2009-2010).
The Car:
A fairly wasted 1991 Jager LTC 3.0 Litre, once the best worst American Grand Touring machine, now exclusively enjoyed by Malaise Masochists and Broke Ballers. The body is structurally sound, the mechanicals are not. Known Issues: Worn out shocks and springs, transmission won’t shift into third but can be manually forced into 4th, differential oil has not been changed since the first Clinton Administration, severe rust on rear right trailing link, low compression on most cylinders, blue smoke, rough idle.
Rear seats removed for increased cargo room.
Chosen for its legendarily terrible reputation for electrical issues and floppy disc based Navigation system.
Stats:
3.0L DOHC 24V Inline 6, 7:1 average Compression ratio, almost 150hp, 3+1 speed Automatic transmission, Left-Rear-Wheel-Drive, 3200-ish pounds when new. Gets 20+mpg.
All of this magnificence bought for $451 from a former Pimp turned Basehead.
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Team V6 Vandals
The Team:
Luke Light - 18 - Storm Automotive’s robotic CEO, and current head of the Raceworks Division. Loves fast and crazy cars, and yet has had just as much fun with junk cars, too. He’s back for round number three, and actually likes the ‘car’ they got this time. Role: Primary Driver, Secondary Mechanic.
Amy Storm - 53 - Storm Automotive’s Engine Design Expert, and the Crew Chief of the Raceworks Division. She’s back for a third try with the junkyard cars, and she’s confident in their V6 powered nightmare. Role: Lead Mechanic, Secondary Driver.
Jake Storm - 30 - Son of Amy Storm, Computer Genius, DOHC Expert-In-Training, and still learning to drive stick. Back for round number two after the glorious defeat of their Dynamite E5, though he’s less than pleased with yet another manual gearbox. Role: Jack-of-All-Trades.
Cody Acorne - 34 - Brother of Marcus Acorne, a friend of Jake Storm, and a former street racer. Returning for a second round of chaos, and doesn’t mind that this car isn’t a Dynamite shitbox. He’s hoping that the two members of Team Twin-Snail can find the gas pedal. Role: Mechanic Assistant, Sound Control.
The Car:
1997 Ishu Truckling V6
This tiny little truck-like car was Ishu’s answer to a problem nobody had. With 5 seats like a sedan, on a compact-car sized chassis, a large amount (for its size) of carrying capacity, and a rugged, tough-looking exterior, the Truckling is the perfect example of failing to realize your target market. A transverse-mounted 2.7 liter V6 powers just the front set of wheels, and the torsion beam rear suspension was supposed to give it unprecedented load capacity for its class.
And it didn’t sell particularly well. Mostly because it sucked as a car, due to cramped rear seat room. And because it sucked as a truck, due to the driven wheels not being the ones under the bed. Dealerships struggled to get rid of them.
Eventually, most of them were scrapped, but a few still kick around junkyards from time to time, or end up in some junk-man’s collection of cars classed as “Too nice to scrap.”
Which is where this one comes in. Trevor Wright sent Cody a message about having ‘the perfect car’ for their little trip. With 139,775.3 miles on the clock, it has seen some better days, but it ran well enough. It had the “Performance Package” installed, giving it individual throttle bodies and long tubular headers.
But, the former members of Team Twin-Snail weren’t willing to leave their legacy in the past. They pointed out that the last V6 car they ran with didn’t even finish on time, and that between both teams, the only cars that finished on time, and did so with ‘respectable’ positions, were turbocharged. And so the Truckling gained a pair of snails and an intercooler.
For the low, low price of $493.86, the combined teams gained a shitbox that has a box to haul shit.
“It’s… Well, it’s certainly unusual.” Amy said, looking at their newly-acquired used car. Jake smiled, then tried to talk up the performance aspects, but didn’t get very far before Luke showed up.
“It’s like a truck, only smaller.” Luke quipped, looking over the Truckling. “But it might just do well.” He got behind the wheel, started it up, then added, “It sounds good enough, I suppose. V6, sounds like it might… No, it definitely has some sort of VVL and VVT. Nice 6 speed. Could’ve done worse.”
“So it’s good, right?” Cody asked.
“No. It’s a shitbox, but on the scale of shitboxes, this isn’t that bad.” Amy said. “And we’re putting some snails on this bitch. Only car we had that did well was our Sinistra Savage, with the twin-turbo 662ci V8. Your car had a turbocharged dumpster-fire of a four-cylinder. The car we did our worst in was a Minerva Midnight, which had a bigger V6 than this, but we didn’t add any boost, and it was so fucking slow.”
“To be fair, it also broke down a lot.” Luke added.
“Yeah, it did, but that’s because Minerva Motors makes cars that have three wheels in the junkyard the moment it rolls off the assembly line. Cheap pile of hot garbage.” Amy replied.
“So, turbos. Got it. Actually makes sense, honestly. We’ll feed it Premium Unleaded and about, say, 10 PSI. Should be worth a good laugh.” Jake said.
“I’ll go install a police scanner and a radar detector.” Cody said, before wandering out to get some parts.
“So, is it true, Jake?” Luke asked.
“What?” Jake said, looking at Luke.
“That his brother got locked up.” Amy said, making Jake look back at his mother.
“Yeah. Dumbass went berserk at one of the other teams over some missing lug-nuts. And it’s not like we didn’t exactly deserve it, we were, well, the Highway Hooligans, and we lived up to that name. Trev, the guy we bought this thing from, well, he was the good kind of crazy. Glitter cannoned a couple of teams, and we launched a firework over the roof of this van, and a peanut-butter filled diaper onto their windshield. Well, Marcus, Cody’s brother, gets it in his mind that they had to be responsible. In the chase, he side-swiped a minivan, then drove into the back of their van and tried to beat their driver with a sock full of toll-change. Didn’t go too well, their driver kinda knew how to fight, and how to fight dirty. Then the cops showed up. Last I heard…” Jake said, though was interrupted by Cody.
“He’s still sitting in a cell in Oregon. Felony hit and run, and then assault with a deadly weapon. Plus some… outstanding parking violations from us leaving the smashed green turd in the parking lot. Jake was right, the cop team, those “Outriders” guys, they were pretty cool. I hope they’ll be there again.” Cody said, his arms full of boxes containing stuff for their Truckling.
“Right. Let’s give Cody a couple extra hands before we lose the radar detector.” Luke said, taking the stack of boxes and putting them on the passenger seat. “I see you’ve got some sound-system gear in here, Cody.”
“Yeah. Can’t have a good sound system without two kilowatts of subwoofers. Just add the box of amplifiers and those two boxes of better speakers, and it’ll be all good.”
“We have a fuckin’ tape deck.” Jake said. He then immediately groaned as Luke held out a cassette adapter.
“And I have a mod for that. This, plus a cell-phone or MP3 player, and we’ve got a party.” Luke said.
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TEAM OUTRIDERS
The Old Man
Name: Blake Worden
Age: 56
Place of Birth: Tatum Heights, MI
Occupation: Retired/looking into starting a coffee shop.
Role: Driver/Mechanic
Obscure Fact: Flew an F-14 Tomcat during Desert Storm.
Blake Worden is the former head of the Tatum Heights Motor Pool. Having retired a year ago, he has been looking for something to occupy his time. This has led to his participation in the Roulette Runner, Kinda Grand Tour, and the Go West Death Trap Tour. He is considering opening up a coffee house though his old fashioned thinking may cause problems as his only two ideas of coffee are leaded and unleaded. He possesses a Petoskey XGV Scanner capable or reading the computer systems of any Petoskey vehicle, and any car newer than 1996.
The Mechanic
Name: Luigi Fillipelli
Age: 50
Place of Birth: La Spezia, Italy
Occupation: Tatum Heights Motor Pool
Role: Mechanic/Driver
Obscure Fact: His grandfather emigrated to the United States with his family to escape the rule of Mussolini. When the war ended he remained, but his son, Luigi’s father returned to Italy. Even though Luigi arrived in the US in 1989, he had family living in the country already.
As mentioned above, Luigi came to the United States in 1989. In 2004 he became a US Citizen. He has been working for the Tatum Heights Motor Pool since 1998. His and Blake’s experience working on Police cars have given them a good insight into working on their Petoskey Enforcer. A skill that has saved their bacon many times over.
The Driver
Name: Marc Levinstein
Age: 53
Place of Birth: Detroit, MI
Occupation: Chief of Tatum Heights Police Department.
Role: Main Driver due to police training.
Obscure Fact: Has never seen any sci-fi movie apart from Heavy Metal.
Marc Levinstein is the Chief of Police for Tatum Heights. He is devoted to his duty and is well respected by the members of the Police Department. He maintains a reputation of being a fast aggressive driver. This has led to him occasionally lamenting that he no longer drives as much and rarely in pursuit cases. Known for being soft spoken and calm, unless he is talking to Luigi which then they will rip on each other mercilessly.
The Number Guy
Name: Zach Worden
Age: 21
Place of Birth: Tatum Heights, MI
Occupation: Petoskey Motors ZLC Accounting Department/Student
Role: Driver
Obscure Fact: Has been flirting with a receptionist in the company unaware that she is the daughter of Petoskey CEO Eleanor Ventnor.
Zach Worden joined the team for the Go West Deathtrap Tour. He is the oldest of Blake’s three children. Having suffered from a miserable break up, he was extremely depressed. He was pushed into joining the team by his Mother. Despite his initial reaction, he ended up enjoying the trip and feeling much better about himself. When the Tour was over, Eleanor Ventnor arrived to present three cars to the other members of the team. Unaware that a fourth member was added, she apologized and offered him a job with the company. As it turns out Zach had an affinity for numbers. He was hired into the accounting department on an entry level while he works on finishing school. (Having changed his major to something that he can actually take interest in.)
THE CAR
Feeling something like a novelty, there can only be one car for the Outriders:
1997 Petoskey Enforcer
If you’ve ever been arrested or taken a taxi ride in the '90s or '00s chances are you’ve sat in the back seat of one of these. This particular model has been the vehicle of choice for Team Outriders since day 1. The car remains unchanged from the Go West Deathtrap Tour except for two new doors on the passenger side, and a new drivers side ball joint. Other modifications from the past include brakes 17 inch wheels from a Gen IV Enforcer, The engine and transmission from a 1995 Petoskey Stag Big Chief, Gen I Tail lights, a push bar from an Interceptor, and an aftermarket stereo system.
Theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die.
Into the Valley of Death rode the six hundred.
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For flavor, read any dialogues in a thick Spanish accent except when I say otherwise.
Cadiz, Andalusia, Spain. 9:28 PM.
A man and a woman approached an old garage. The rain poured from above, with the ocassional thunder iluminating the place. Both lifted the door, revealing an old blue coupé…a third generation Contendiente Enemigo S.
The woman got behind the driver seat, while the man shoved himself into the passenger seat. Turning the ignition key, the engine roared as it came to life, with the characteristic raspy sound of an ITB 4 cylinder engine. Slowly, the car started moving outside of the complex.
“Pushes really nicely, that was a nice purchase. Although…it doesn’t have the factory engine, now does it, Alejandro?” - Said the woman, as she shifted into third gear." - Said the woman.
“It did, originally. I had to keep it there because I ran out of space at our workshop, but I did some modifications to it. Starting by an engine swap. I dropped a 2 liter from a Conte Ataque, 2005 model. Should be good to go with these 170 horses.” - Replied Alejandro.
“Feels good, and I see you removed the rear seats as well. I…actually always dreamed of owning one of these, so you should’ve told me we had it, capullo. Anyways, we’re here.” - Said Ana.
The two pulled up at a workshop. Alejandro opened the main door, and Ana drove the car into the workshop.
Team Shitbox Brothers!
Previously known as Spanish Fiesta, the two brothers are back for another round of competition. Meet the team!
Ana Gutierrez: 21, the female twin sister. Energetic, competitive, she will not stop until the car breaks down or the race is over. She’s been practicing her driving over the last few weeks in a couple of track days, and so she’ll be doing the driving.
Alejandro Gutierrez: 21, the male twin brother. Relaxed, a strategist. Will make sure the car is up and running and Ana doesn’t push herself too much. Running his own workshop, he knows a whole lot about mechanics, although he might not be able to repair the car sometimes.
"Gramps GT": a 1987 Contendiente Enemigo S. Originally sold to a daddy’s boy in the late 80s, it was then abandoned and found by a car collector. The collector restored it and gave it some proper circuit time, but his recent passing forced his husband to sell the car once again; the car was purchased by Alejandro, who nicknamed it “Gramps GT” upon learning its story.
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Team Harcourt-Entwhistle…the unveiling
Gran: Can I take this blindfold off yet George?
Mopey: Not yet gran. Spanners has sorted it all out, it’s in tip-top condition.
Spanners: Errrrrr……it’s in better shape than when I got my hands on it.
Blindfold gets removed.
Gran: Oh….it’s erm……not as bad as I was expecting. David a few questions. Am I likely to fall out of the bottom of it, Is it safe and finally will it make it to the end.
Spanners: Answers in the same order…No, the floor is sound, yes it’s safe and it should get to the end. But……
Gran: But? But what??
Spanners: This is fitted with cruise control.
Gran: That sounds…erm….bad?
Spanners: No, on the contrary, cruise control is normally very good. You turn it on and it keeps the car going at the same speed.
Gran: Normally? That doesn’t normally sound good.
Spanners: Minor glitch. Sometimes it puts the car into limp-home mode so max speed it 35mph. Occasionally it activates on it’s own and accelerates all on it’s own. But more often than not….it just won’t switch off and sets its own speed…faster and slower. I can fix it, when required, but it takes a while to clear the ECU and re-program it back to normal. Then it goes into learn mode, which takes a while before it all settles down again.
Gran: So we have something that is potentially dangerous?
Spanners: Well……it’s easy to remedy when it fails and I’m pretty sure that it will fail at some point over 3000 miles. But on the whole we should make slightly better time than we did in the van. I’m guessing we’re sightseeing again?
Gran: Yes dear. Now I have 2 ground rules. Firstly there is to be no fighting on this trip, there will be no cursing on this trip and finally we’ll have no spare parts from vehicles we don’t own. Understood?
Spanners: It was self-defence and I have absolutely no idea what spare parts you are talking about Mrs E.
Mopey: That’s 3 rules.
Gran: Pardon?
Mopey: You said 2 ground rules…no fighting, cursing and stealing….that’s 3 rules.
Gran: And no being smart with your mouth.
Mopey: That’s 4 now….
THWACK!
Mopey: SH…eeez…there was no need for that gran!
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Pre-run concussions for Mopey!
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Shitbox Brothers - Pre race.
For flavor, read any line said by Ana or Alejandro with a thick Spanish accent.
The day after picking the car up. Alejandro’s workshop. Ana is revising the car, while Alejandro is just drinking some coffee. This song is being played in a laptop in the background.
Ana: So you nicknamed the car “Gramps GT”? What kind of name is that, were you drunk or something?
Alejandro: Well, this car went through a whole lot of stuff. First this guy buying it in the 80s, then getting abandoned and rotting, then saved by a car collector, raced in a few track days and then after the collector died, sold to me. Got it for around 500€, although not without negotiating a bit first.
Ana: That means we have no use for the Ataque I got for last time anymore…I’ll keep it as a daily, now that you fixed the timing belt. Also, you said you swapped its heart for a 2005 engine. Can we push this one?
Alejandro: Sure, but the engine’s already making 170 horses. We should keep it as is, after all, we did great with 70 less horses last time. Keep reliability and fuel in mind too.
Ana: Oh yeah, do you think any of the guys from last time will be back? We still have to get our revenge on the guys who painted the pink strip on our car. And don’t forget the truck duo.
Alejandro: Who knows. Either way, we should focus on finishing the race this time.
Ana: Did you pick everything up? Lunch boxes, spare parts…timing belts?
Alejandro: Ha, ha, so funny. Yeah, everything is ready, although we’ll have to pick some food up along the way too. I brought more cheesecake as well, let’s hope we don’t lose it this time.
Ana: Alright then. We’re boarding tomorrow, let’s hope this time we actually finish the race.
The two brothers packed everything in the trunk, locking the car when they were done. The following day, they boarded their plane and the car was transported in a cargo ship which would arrive a few days later.
To be continued.
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Otis: Rancher by trade, gear head by nature, A 5 foot 10 inch tall cowboy from the southwestern United States.
He always wears a dusty black felt sweat stained cowboy hat, blue jeans, scuffed cowboy boots,
a long sleeve button down shirt tucked into his pants, and a belt with a large rodeo belt buckle
Otis began racing go-carts at the age of 5, and started modifying the engines on them when he was 8. In his spare time after the chores he would read everything he could about engines and engine modification. At first it was hit and miss… like when he was 12 the riding mower threw a rod doing 60mph while mowing the yard with the engine revving at 7500rpm. Needless to say after the whipping Otis’s dad made him promise to only do safe modifications to the big equipment, and only when they already needed fixin. They still had the fastest tractors in the county. At 16 Otis began to realize that the engine was only part of the equation and started reading up on aerodynamics and suspension tuning, despite his understanding the benefits in a race Otis still preferred trucks as they were always in use and were basically his livelihood.
Jake: Otis’s son, named after the dog. Like his dad he practically grew up racing. He entered Go West Deathtrap after he came home to the Sheriff sitting at the dinner table waiting for him.
The truck,
It hasn’t changed much, a few more dents and scrapes since the last time, and still loaded with more than enough tools and parts to build another full drive train.
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A fresh spare engine I presume?
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Fresh from the junkyard.
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Toni & Wookiee are out on a bender. They MIGHT wake up with another car…
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Aw shit, that’s too soon before my big exam. Hope you run another one in UE4 coz team Flaming Fart Cannon will take another pitch at it, with lighter in one hand and belt loops in the other… and after last time you can only imagine it’s all downhill from there
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Bah, education is overrated. Pee into the wind with us!
Oh, and folks, since it’s now happened in 2 submissions… please note that when I say Cargo Loading Factor and Aggressiveness Factor are on a scale of 1-10, I mean integers… those of you who submitted non-integers had your values rounded. 
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You’ve seen them before, driving a yellow Chinese scrap heap named banana, and now they’re back as…
Team Faux Class
Team Rice Box are back, but under a new Name, Team Faux Class.
The Team
Lyra Sunshard A YouTube and Instagram Celebrity in the Gaming world as ShardGaming, she enjoyed he time in the KGT, and has decided to run again, but without the Cameras. She’s 20, and will be doing most of the Driving.
Charlotte Mathews yra’s Childhood friend, and fellow Instagram Celebrity. She Runs a YouTube channel named Girl+Car, where she vlogs car builds, and fixes. She also enjoyed the KGT, and was not in charge of buying the car this time. She’s 20, and will probably be in charge of repairs.
Gemma Sunshard Lyra’s younger sister, she has no YouTube or Instagram status, she’s just here because she wants to have fun. She knows fuck all about cars, but she can at least drive. She’s 18, and will be doing the rest of the Driving.
The Car
Gemma and I had been searching all throughout Canada for something, anything worthy of bringing. It took us a week, but we finally came across something… unique to say the least.
1949 OSHL Niea 11
It was an odd machine. The 11 stood for 11 Litres. Yes, this had an 11L V8 from a tank in it. Gemma’s googling found absoluely no information on the Niea. Stuff had come up for OSHL, a French Truck turned Tank turned Truck Manufacturer, but nothing out the Niea. From the car itself, it looks to be an upper class Luxury Vehicle, but who knows. The Engine is from a Tank, a full (near enough) Eleven Litres in size. We know fuck all, and we’re gonna guess Charlotte knows nothing, too.
The Niea is sitting in Lyra’s driveway in front of Banana (That yellow thing from last time. That Banana), and the 3 of them are giving it the once-over.
“How Much?” Charlotte asks
“Just under 500.” Gem replies. Charlotte opens the bonnet, and lets out an audible gasp
“Ly, when you said it’s 10 times bigger than Banana, I didn’t think you’d be right.”
“I rarely lie.” She says, laughing. Charlotte moves around the car, just taking in the sheer size of the Niea.
“Right. I’ll get back to you two tomorrow about any issues, I guess.”
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Team Mountain Pass
Go West Deathtrap Tour
The Kinda Grand Tour
Roulette Runner
Turns out that poorly written articles on two incompetent journalists trying to win a shitbox rally really help car magazine sales… So, here for their fourth attempt, team Mountain Pass has reformed for another attempt at junkyard racing glory!
The Team
Pierre Mountbatten, 54, is an Australian journalist who founded Mountain Pass, a magazine dedicated to cars that loved hitting the twisty “B” roads over bloated V-max queens and hyper expensive exotics. Pierre is not sanguine about Mountain Pass’s chances of victory but is entering anyway because you have to be in it to win it!
Andrew Morgan, 42, joined Mountain Pass just as Touge in Japan was gaining traction with Western audiences and became their patron saint in the Mountain Pass offices. Andrew is also not overly excited about Team Mountain Pass’s chances of victory but HATES being behind a desk, so he is really glad to be driving anything anywhere!
The Car
Kyle Logan, a photographer for Mountain Pass, sourced the '86 model K23i from a drift club forum. Since the early spec K23i had the old, hard to modify and underpowered all iron Alpha turbo four under the bonnet resale values on these cars had plummeted relative to the '88 all alloy DOHC replacement model. This meant that Kyle was able to purchase an abandoned drift project for a measly $499 from a young fellow who didn’t do his research before making a purchase…
Kyle drove the car home where he gave the car a service, checked the brakes and refreshed the gearbox and differential fluids. The wannabe drifter had thankfully not attempted to “modify” the mechanicals but he’d thrashed the car mercilessly as he’d worked as a pizza delivery guy where he’d “practice” his maaad drift skillz…
Thankfully the K23i came up smelling of roses after the service, feeling like new almost, and with only a less than perfect gear shift and loose interior trim betraying the car’s true lifespan. Feeling good about himself, Kyle signed off on the car, filled the fuel tank and stocked it up with the tools, food and emergency camping gear the team would require to successfully prosecute the Last Hurrah…
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Well, we may not be entering this time, but here’s a little teaser on what might be coming your way next time…
The hinge of the grate barely squeaked as Kai Kristensen, semi-tame racing driver and nocturnal ferret, slinkied his way out of the ventilation shaft and dropped to the overhanging walkway. Since the upgrade of the CCTV system, it had been much harder to find the blind spots in what was now referred to as the Gryphon Gear Research and Development building (really it was just the original warehouse but a bit tarted up). But that was most of the fun, since he had spent a good three days casing the joint while dodging boring meetings with people in suits. Now instead of simply scaling the drain pipe and popping the window, he had to swing onto the external AC unit, then shimmy his way around the external vent a good ten meters up and enter from the far side. The best part was that he was pretty sure that the Deerector’s motivation for approving the upgrade was to try and catch him out because of the sheer number of detected unauthorised entries but nobody could ever finger him as the culprit even though he knew it was totally him. And so the game continued.
Besides it wasn’t like Kai was doing anything particularly dodgy. All he wanted to do was peek under the covers and stroke the prototypes. And a little light petting never hurt anybody right? And with the expanded engineering and design roster that meant a whole lot more clay mock-ups which now populated the floor where the old tune jobs used to sit. It was car fantasy heaven for a guy whose body corp would only let him keep two cars on his lot, at a stretch.
Kai’s ears pricked. He could have sworn he heard a noise, a surreptitious emission, a hissing of gas squeaking through a tightened orifice. The noise echoed throughout the warehouse, bouncing off the walls, obfuscating its origin, but Kai had his hunches. Creeping through the shadows, he traversed the walkway, pausing at the glass door to the Head Design office, before flinging it open, activating the lights.
Half stooped, frozen with the diabetic-Dad-busted-eating-midnight-cake expression, and holding a tube to his butt complete with cocked tail, was a certain Stroppy McHorseguy, certified Horse Fart Flammenwerfer (and Design Head of Gryphon Gear).
Normally Kai would have, at this juncture, come up with some witty retort that would have had Strop flailing about with his pants around his ankles furiously trying to catch Kai and pummel him into submission. But this was next level stuff.
“Dude, what the fuck.” Was all he could manage, after a protracted horrified silence, which persisted for several seconds more. Then Strop sprang into action, yanking the tube from his butt and pulling his pants up, but not without another telltale pffffft escaping the confines of his nethers. “Okay, that’s it, I’m out.” Kai performed a snappy about-face and marched towards the door.
“Wait! WAIT!” Strop called after him, fumbling with his zip, knowing full well if Kai left without becoming an accomplice, the scandal would somehow find its way to their manager-in-leather, Dan, or worse, that creepy IT weeb guy, Waxwell. “Don’t you want to know why? I promise you it’s genius.”
Genius? Such a word used here was only deserving of mockery but if it made the scandal more juicy, maybe it was worth– Kai folded his arms. “You have until I smell it.”
“That’s the point, I guarantee you won’t.” Now Strop knew he had Kai’s attention, the latter’s slowly morphing eyebrow indicating that the brazenness of his claim was starting to outweigh the sheer idiocy of the scenario. “See this here, is a one way valve, which I’ve fashioned on this plug which leads to this hermetically sealed jar. But that’s not all!” He gestured with the tube, but Kai, having seen where it had just been, naturally recoiled. “As time goes on naturally the pressure in the jar is going to increase, so I actually designed a reservoir air-lock system that allows ongoing compression so that I don’t get fart backwash.”
Kai’s expression was etched into a mixture of bewilderment and anguish. “You’re farting into a jar? But why? And at two in the morning? In your office?”
Strop fidgeted and looked down. “My girlfriend loves me very much,” he mumbled. “But–”
“Okay you know what, forget it, I don’t what to know.” Now slightly nauseated, Kai jabbed a finger at the godforsaken fart storage contraption. “What I do want to know, is what in the everloving fuck inspired you to pull this shit.”
Strop didn’t miss a beat. “Remember our last ride in Toothless?”
Memories of the beloved E120 Corolla shitbox abused far beyond its natural lifespan flooded in and punched Kai in the proverbial gut. How could he forget, those hundreds of furious miles, the involuntary car surfing, the fights over who got to drive, the busted spring, the Viking sendoff, the flaming fart cannon. Then the penny dropped and his eyes lit up. “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
“YESSSSS YOU GET IT RIGHT?” Strop smacked a fist into his palm. “All I have to do is figure out a way to get this through customs, which is going to be hard because it is literally a biological weapon, but after that, I just have to fill it up and when we’re next on leave, I reverse the one way valve and…”
“Strop you absolute madman, this is disgusting and horrible and our obituaries will probably be really embarrassing and I dibs not ever touching it.” Hands on hips, Kai glared at Strop. “So when are we going?”
y’all better start running
11 Likes
Bahh integers are over rated, had a math professor insist we use real numbers and that integers weren’t real. 
4 Likes
Bringing a whole new meaning to your team name, I see…
1 Like