long time no see people! I got a good one for you today. It starts, as all good things do, with a story:
The door to my office bursts open and in rushes Arthur (name changed for privacy).
“Strop!” He gushes. “You MUST drive my car.” He presses the keys into my accepting but bemused hand.
“You’re going to love it. Really rag on it. Thrash the hell out of it. I want you to drive it like a maniac.” The whites of his eyes are showing, the signs of a man gripped by automotive fever dream. The ads did say it wasn’t just an automobile, but a passion…
“Just be sure to be back before three coz that’s when I have to pick my son up from school.”
And with that, I decide, instead of taking my wife’s 2008 Prius to do the trip into town for lunch, I’d take Arthur’s Alfa, and maybe go for a brief detour up the mountain road along the way.
So with that I bring you a special edition review of the:
2011 Alfa Romeo Giulietta QV
yeah well you know should I have expected any differently?
If I recall correctly it had about 120000km on the clock. Arthur was excited about a fellow enthusiast with a turbo hatch driving the car because he’d just had the 6 speed manual completely rebuilt. I was planning to do about a 15km round trip that included city street driving, highway driving, and a quick blast up and down the local mountain road. I got about half that done before, well. I’ll explain later.
For context in Australia this top trim Giulietta in 2011 was priced at 42 grand, which in 2020 would come to 49ish, or only 6 grand less than my Civic. Back in 2011 it was 3 grand more than your regular Golf GTi. But with a turbo 1.75L outputting 230hp but also a fat 340Nm of torque and the promise of a superbly poised ride, maybe that was well worth the price and the amount of time and money spent in the shop.
First Impressions
Lordy how do you achieve cute and gorgeous in a car at the same time. For a hatch this thing is a work of art. Fair credit to Alfa for really upholding their reputation with this model. I usually spend most of my time ragging on Alfa for the usual reliability gremlins, but there’s no denying, if in working order and sat on my drive, while a completely different stylistic proposition from my angular, frenetic, overstyled Type R, I would still be snapping pics every time I got out. And due to the reputation, if you see an Alfa driver on the road (my town has a surprising number of Giulia sedans of all specs), you know their priorities.
And what’s even more curious is that Arthur, like me, does not look like your average car enthusiast. Formerly an academic geologist, who pivoted into nursing, whose past time is wildlife conservation, the boot being crammed full of blankets and animal rescue supplies. Sometimes the good things are found in unexpected places.
As for this car, I had a lot of preconceptions to process and test. Most of them relating to its Italian-ness.
Interior
On the plus side, being the top trim, it has a hella good Bose audio system, with crisp clean sound.
As for the rest… with doors that strongly resembled the 9th Gen Swindon Civic Hatch (complete with weird rear handle that would confuse many people but not me, owner of said Civic), the rear legroom was not dissimilarly pinched, but then again it seemed that was nearly a class-wide issue. As expected for a top trim Alfa, the seats were leather, with a mildly sporting aspiration but not quite the hugging bucket support I’ve now been spoilt by. The more I sat in the cabin, the stronger the discomfiting feeling that my Italian expectations were being matched exactly grew. The ergonomics were completely weird. For the life of me I could not find an appropriate seating position. The pedals were mismatched. The brake is set further in than the gas (forget heel-toe!) The clutch felt like I needed a left leg two inches longer than my right. The gauge cluster was near indecipherable and I couldn’t even read the tacho. The glove compartment was set so low I don’t know how a regular adult passenger could fit their knees under it. There was a nice inbuilt GPS mount on the dash but it was so big and bulky it obstructed critical vision and I couldn’t remove the mount??? The central storage compartment was tilted up at a very strange angle and opened up to reveal a tiny card slot storage but the cup holders were so shallow that the moment I hit the gas I’d probably spill coffee all over the rear seats? The window sills were so high that while my seat was invariably too high, I could barely see out the sides. It was just an all around odd and slightly misfit experience, requiring me to adopt that curiously hunched forward driving position and cramped legs that seems imprinted in my mind as a stereotype.
Driving Civilly
Slotting the car into gear, the challenge of finding a suitable seating position continued to plague me for most of my brief trip. The ergonomics and weirdly sized switchgear kept me occupied until I got to my first intersection and almost got T-boned because the brake pedal deadzone was so damn huge.
At this point I will note that in none of the reviews of the Giulietta QV was squishy brake mentioned, so I’m thinking that maybe this is more a sign of sub-par maintenance and maybe the brake fluid should have been replaced, so I’ll give Alfa a free pass on this.
The other thing that stopped me from observing the useful metrics was that I couldn’t actually obtain any useful information about my economy etc. from the dash display because it was too busy cycling through all the errors. Check boot mechanism, check reverse tail light, check cabin light, it was telling me to check pretty much every bloody electronic doodad and, as I was to discover later, that was because they were all broken which I’m assuming is just standard Alfa things by this point
As for the feel, once I’d resigned myself to never quite feeling comfortable behind the wheel without performing some contortions, the Giulietta was easy enough to drive around town. With a relatively light but still decent feedback from the electronic steering (a damn sight better than the completely numb steering of Honda’s electric systems from the same time), it was easy to steer, and with a light gear change and clutch one did not have to think too hard at all in traffic. That the turbo spool came in from low down also made for facile overtaking. There’s also the stability control system which controlled the front wheels to behave like an E-LSD (but not a mechanical LSD, more on this later). But the Giulietta’s puff piece is in the 3 driving modes, a technology well ahead of its time in this class. As opposed to my FK8’s driving modes however, the modes are more “all weather” “regular road driving” and “sporty driving” (or Dynamic mode), which, under most road conditions, is the only one worth bothering with. I would say that overall it still felt significantly softer than what I am used to but that’s in a car with so much more focus and heft that in this application, I would say it was well balanced to make things feel fun without being too needlessly onerous. Good road manners.
Driving Not-So-Civilly
I turned onto the mountain road and passed some roadworks and then it was time to get to work. The pickup on this car, given my regular ride I can’t describe it as immense but putting it into perspective, this is a car, from 2011, that has more torque and specific output than a 2017 Hyundai i30N. You can give it the boot and anywhere upwards of 2000rpm it’ll pick up briskly. The problem for me was that it seemed to peter off quite early and the redline was rather lacking, not to mention the exhaust note so quiet that I actually found it hard to hear when to change, because the tachometer was useless. Under hard driving, the clutch actually felt a little too light plus the take up point was a little vague and needed some learning. And the damn brakes, again, with being a little squirrelly under hard pressure and a very non-progressive pedal feel had me backing off because I simply lacked confidence on a narrow road festooned with blind corners, a steep drop, and random idiot pedestrians who stood on the road to enjoy the view. The worst part was that for some reason the brake pedal was situated further forward than the gas pedal, which made heel toeing impossible.
These issues aside, the chassis is a fantastic piece of kit, with handling offering sharp turn in and minimal understeer. When dialled, in the ingredients are there for some proper hustling.
Then it all came unstuck. Approaching the top of the mountain, I slowed down to cruise through the carpark, and rounding the far end of the circuit at a leisurely 35km/h, the front left wheel decided it had simply had enough and went YUH YEET. The wheel ripped through the wheel arch, went bouncing off down the mountain and I was unceremoniously dumped onto the hub and ground to a halt.
“Why do I get the feeling I should have expected something like this to happen???” was my first thought. “Fuck, how am I gonna tell Arthur??? Didn’t he just get this back after the gearbox was rebuilt???” was my next, followed by “RIP my lunch break, wonder how long it takes for a tow truck to get here”. This was followed by a very awkward phone call, traipsing down the mountainside looking for the errant wheel while waiting for the tow truck, followed by a lot of shenanigans in an attempt to get the car mounted without incurring further damage. It was impossible to fit a jack under the side of the car due to the lack of wheel, and the lack of mechanical LSD made it impossible to move the car on its own to even get something else wedged under because of course, all of the power was going through the wheel-less hub. It took a bit of out-of-the-box thinking and some persistence but fortunately we managed it, hence the photo above.
As for a post-mortem of the whole event, turns out every single one of the wheel bolts simultaneously sheared, which makes us think that the owner should choose his wheel and tyre people more carefully. Fortunately, the rest of the damage is quite easily fixable, and I can reassure everybody that no, this definitely falls outside of expected issues for an Alfa It was just fortunate that this happened where it did, as opposed to any time earlier where I could have a) been stranded in traffic whereupon the cops would attend the scene and I’d have to answer very awkward questions b) speared the wheel into a pedestrian c) flown off the side of the mountain at speed and wouldn’t be writing this today.
Arthur is wondering if the cosmos is telling him that he should sell the car. I’d put it to him that the car’s probably fine, but if he does decide to keep it, he should commit himself to more completely understanding its needs and being rather more diligent on who does the maintenance.
Synthesis
Pros
- fantastic engine output with meaty turbo
- fantastic chassis and handling
- advanced dynamic technology
- better than average steering feel
- looks good
- hatchback practicality with big boot
Cons
- as expected electronic gremlins and other maintenance issues
- weird ergonomics sufficiently distracting to hamper committed driving
- slightly numb gearshift
- actually I’m pretty sure the front brakes are underdone
Verdict
Cursed experience aside, the driving experience alone felt like enough to give me a hint of the mercurial passions of Alfa life. All at once ecstasy and confusion interspersed with protracted bouts of frustration, very much the model of the whirlwind romance with someone dazzlingly beautiful and alluring but eccentric and temperamental, leaving you feeling exhilarated but battered. Commit yourself to the life wholly or flee for your life and opt for something more… reliable instead? Bean counters and cooler heads would point out that as superlative performance the QV delivers, these days you can obtain that kind of performance without the drawbacks from elsewhere. All that remains is the belief in the romance, and the masochism that keeps one coming back for more.
Which is to say, once the wheel’s back on, with a bit of persuading I reckon I can get Arthur to get the brakes sorted and then we can give it a proper blast I am at least convinced that with a bit of rebalancing so that all aspects match the chassis and engine, this can be made a complete driving hot hatch package that could match the standard all the way up to the end of the decade.