MACHINAS CON PASSIONE’S SHITBOX ADVENTURES PART 3 - EPISODE 1 - SURVIVING LIVERPOOL
Liverpool, England.
3 weeks out from Shitbox Rally ‘24.
Ah, Liverpool. The closest you can get to incomprehensible without leaving the safety and security of the mainland UK, the one place on planet earth that directly names the sun on it’s no-fly list, and the town that we find our lovable protagonist Giacomo Scarfiotti setting the pieces in motion for what is sure to be Machinas Con Passione’s great return to motorsport, the 2024 running of the Shitbox Rally. In what is his third crack at the race, Giacomo has, allegedly at least, finally gathered up the information and knowledge gathered from the trying 2022 and 2023 runnings to realize his grand vision: complete and utter domination!
This, of course brings us to the question that should really be asked of Giacomo in any situation, that being “What the hell is he doing now?” The answer to which could be found at the center of the dilapidated garage the Italian businessman now found himself occupying, where sat a vaguely car-shaped figure that was kept secured under a torn tarp that had been stained in multiple places by the various pools of differing substances that were collecting around it. Giacomo, who had arranged to meet his contact in said garage, slowly took in the scene as the eerie nature of the building’s concrete walls, buildups of black mold and mildew and dank stench began to eat away at his normally abundant self confidence.
A beat of sweat visibly trickled from his brow as he stood awkwardly in front of the tarp, unsure if this was the “exquisite beast of nature, the defiant act of GOD’’ he’d paid 1700 dollars for, but the very real fear that he had been scammed for an admittedly meager sum was what drove Giacomo’s anxiety higher than any possibility of a boogeyman coming to get him in the dark garage. It was at that moment, at his most vulnerable, that a loud crash rang out from the direction Giacomo had entered, scaring the daylights out of every atom in his body as the Italian blindly leaped for his life, unknowingly diving headfirst into the tarp and crashing through the window as he tried to save what little cash he had left.
In the chaos, two voices, one masculine and another feminine, could be heard by what was left of Giacomo’s consciousness. The feminine voice stood out first. “Fuckin’ hell Loris, you’ve only gone and killed the man! That’s a payday and a half you’ve just cost us, mate!” The masculine voice, apparently named Loris, could be heard grunting as he apparently tried to get up from under something he’d knocked over, throwing whatever it was at the wall after. “How was I s’posed to fuckin’ know he’d not turn the bloody lights on! They’re only right next to the damned door!” Loris could be heard stamping his way over to Giacomo, who sat laid out between the passenger and driver seats as he recovered from his leap of faith, small cuts beginning to bleed over his exposed skin. Loris peeked in from the passenger side, making direct contact with the somehow still conscious Giacomo.
Loris seemingly needed to take a second to process the sheer stupidity of what just happened, and after going through a visible mental reboot tried to start a conversation with Giacomo. “Erm, so, Alright then, ah… Giacomo, right? We’re the Lynwoods. Luci and Loris. Sure you’ve heard of us. We messaged on Skype if you’ll remember.” Giacomo nodded with a sheer desperation that seemed to suggest that the mere action took every fiber of his being to even process, scared and adrenaline shot as he was. Loris sighed and tried to ignore the fact that the man was probably dying in front of him, and continued his sales pitch. “Right. Cool. So, would you mind getting up out of the car then so we can chat? I mean, y’know, if it’s not a hassle or anything mate.” It can be left unsaid that it was a giant hassle for the man that had probably received a concussion bad enough to kill men, but Giacomo simply shuddered to life as he crawled out of the windshield, onto the hood, and head first onto the floor as he slid off owing to the significant amount of blood he had lost.
The feminine voice Giacomo had heard earlier, apparently named Luci, made its way over to him now, and Giacomo could see a young woman in her late 20s looking down at him, visibly concerned. “Fuck’s sake, Loris, we can scam anybody else and get off scot free, I don’t wanna kill the man!” Giacomo looked over to Loris, who he thought couldn’t have looked less concerned if he tried, proved Giacomo wrong by shrugging and nudging Giacomo with his foot, wiggling his eyebrows at the woman who stood to his left. Loris squatted down to address Giacomo, patting him on his now bloody head as he tried to seal the deal. “So…. Since that window is gonna need replacing, think I can get an extra… dunno, 300? D’you think so?” Giacomo stook up a shaky hand, a thumbs up securing the 300 dollars that would pay for Loris’ new shoes. It seemed the start of a beautiful relationship.
Speaking of…
THE TEAM
Name: Giacomo Scarfiotti
Age: 51
Role: Financier, Navigator, Mascot
Nationality: Italian
Description: 5 foot 8, Spiky white hair with a GODLY Goatee. Uses glasses on occasion.
Background: The man, the myth, the legend, Giacomo Scarfiotti is wholly convinced he has finally found the winning combination of the best car, the best drivers and the best looks to win the contest outright…. That is until he realizes the Le Mans Reject he’s buying for cheap is really a shoddily made bodykit conversion for a car that barely made it to the junkyard.
Name: Loris Lynwood
Age: 27
Role: Driver, Scammer.
Nationality: Scouser
Description: 6 foot, brown hair with a buzzcut and a beard he is quite proud of, thin build with plenty of tats.
Background: Loris never knew luxury growing up. With his parents not expecting twins, the financial burden of keeping the lights on and providing for the young family took a toll on the young Loris, and he quickly found himself involved in shady dealings to keep the lights on. He’d make a living through these ill-gotten gains for much of his young adult life until a near-death experience encouraged the young Scouse to change his ways…. For all of five minutes. While Loris was proficient at procuring money, saving it was another deal entirely. While it was nice to have a big pile of the green stuff, that money could be much better used to get another tattoo of a knife or another pair of expensive shoes, why, it’d be a waste to just let it sit there!
In his younger days Loris was no stranger to lifting parts and fixing up cars for his own enjoyment, and has made a habit recently of stealing cars from local junkyards and either attaching random bits of bodywork to undriveable cars or stealing parts like turbos and cats from the ones that do still work before listing them on ebay for dirt cheap. Loris knows it’s risky business, but he never fully left the gang life behind, so there’s always an army of sneakerheads around the corner in the event of buyer’s remorse. As for his racing career, Loris is much more fond of street racing, but takes up the rally partially due to thinking Giacomo is shitting him, and partially to escape a particularly powerful victim of one of his scams. Better to be in the states on some other guy’s dime than at home at the mercy of some gang leader.
Name: Luci Lynwood
Age: 27
Role: Medic, Moral Conscious
Nationality: Scouser
Description:
Background: Luci is Loris’ twin, and many would argue his better half. Though she’s not above helping Loris scam people or writing up blurbs for his Ebay listings, she really is a pleasant person when you get to know her, and finds her motivation in helping her brother out of a desire to see him succeed more than for a love of chasing the bag. Having grown up with Loris, Luci exhibits many of the crafty traits about her that her brother does, but is infinitely more in tune with her basic common decency and isn’t nearly as insufferable as her brother.
Personality wise, she’s not as naive as Giacomo but not as book smart as Maria, she’s definitely a “glass type full” type of girl and enjoys making new friends. As for how this prepares her for a rally taking place on a different planet entirely, it doesn’t. If there was a page in the yearbook for “most likely to die at a shitbox rally” every nomination is her.
Name: Maria Vecchi
Age: 22
Role: Brain, Medic.
Nationality: Sicillian
Description:
Background: The very same Maria Vecchi from the original shitbox rally, Maria finds herself helping Giacomo out after a chance meeting in Liverpool causes her last shred of humanity to awaken as she senses he is very much in financial danger. Though not fond of the idea of going life and death with whatever mysterious diseases can be found on another planet, she knows that Giacomo will be going regardless of what anyone tells him and that if anyone is going to look out for that asshole, it’s better off being her.
Maria, having changed her alias to the very inconspicuous Marie Vecchi after MCP’s first meeting in Crugandr, has since undergone geniune, if not shady, medical training and is actually prepared to provide competent levels of medical attention if needed. As for her personality, she’s kept the sharp tongue fron her last appearance and isn’t particularly fond of anything or anyone. She still carries the connection to the infamous Vecchi mob family, but is still as disinterested in Mafia life as ever.
THE CAR
The car is a first gen, exclusive, top of the line version of the Arrows Arnoux, a top level trim by the tuning company Lynwood, a one of one exclusive example of what the brand can offer buyers. That is to say it’s a complete trainwreck courtesy of being created purely for the purpose of scamming gullible buyers like Giacomo. The bodywork is roughly sautered on bits of iron found at the scrapyard, and considering that it was purely made to finance Loris’ vaping habit it may have been undervalued given the effort put in to make it. Being set for 1700 does make it an easy catch, though. Either way, with an engine, wheels, and functional seats it is indeed a car that drives, and it’d better if it wants to win the rally.
The Equipment
As usual, MCP is LOADED TO THE GILLS BABY WOOO
Giacomo is not letting the Nick Jonas CD go, but other essentials include:
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Giacomo may have a minor severe concussion but he is still drawing like a man possessed, he brings his notebook and pens from the previous rallies.
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Loris brought his rap CD and will be peddling it at the first sign of attention. Along with this are copious amounts of ciggies cause you’ve got to have a smoke laddie.
*Luci brought the CD Player because Loris forgot about it.
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All of the medical supplies Maria could steal on such short notice.
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All the tools, but without Chad there’s no way man.
Machinas Con Passione’s Shitbox Adventures Part 3, Episode 1 - BRAND NEW DAY - FIN
Epilogue - Guess Who’s Back?
Liverpool, Lynwood Twins Garage.
After handing the Lynwoods the last of his cash, Giacomo went into a brief, 3 day long coma owing to the severe levels of brain damage the poor man had recieved. Though Luci had done her best to ensure that he wouldn’t die on their couch in the meantime, the most that they’d gotten out of Giacomo was mumbling about his extraordinarily deep pockets, with bits and pieces regarding something about racecars and his first class flight that was leaving at the end of the week.
With Loris very much interested in that last part, the twins decided to make a house call for a doctor they could get to at least wake Giacomo up for long enough to get them that first class flight, if nothing else. After a brief 5 hour wait, a knock on the door signaled the arrival of their doctor for the day, and when Luci opened the door and saw nobody there, she quickly slammed it shut, thinking she’d been pranked by the neighborhood shitheads again.
Lo and behold, however, when Luci turned back around a short figure wearing scrubs paired with both extremely fashionable haircut and the trendiest glasses she’d ever seen. The doctor took a moment to take in the living room before she spotted Giacomo. Within seconds, both the glasses and her giant duffle bag hit the ground, as a blood-curdling shriek erupted from the diminutive doctor.
Was he hurt that bad?
EPILOGUE - FIN
Valentin “Val” Schrant
Njordal “Norse” Eikeland
Hugh Jass
Bill Kerman
Hiroshi Tanaka
Jan Wagner
) rails instead of roads, Valentin has organized a full train through his line of work as the chief mechanical engineer at the Holsian State Railways.
Anya Essinger
Arthur "Reggie "Reymond
