You might want to fix your formatting - Black text on dark gray boxes is very hard to read, and I’m not highlighting everything just to see it.
Oop - I think I mentioned an edit if I screwed something up, it seems I am once again prophetic in my writing. give me a few (I can’t fathom why it’s done that.)
1 Like
@Madrias Better now? I cannot fathom what’s changed but removing like 60% of my formatting seems to have ‘fixed’ it…
1 Like
Not as pretty, but very readable, which matters more in my opinion.
well then, might as well submit my. submission
The Argonites
The Team
Sienna Garrison
Race: Human
Age: 35
Height: 5’9"
Sienna is the team’s driver. Having been an instructor for six years, she knows her way around a car better than Alec and Kiara combined (in the driving aspect, at least. mechanically, not so much).
Alec Pierce
Race: Human
Age: 34
Height: 5’10"
Alec is the co-driver and one of the team’s two mechanics, the other being Kiara. He used to restore old cars for fun, and it turns out that skill transfers to new cars as well. He’s decent at cooking, too.
Kiara Baxter
Race: Human
Age: 37
Height: 6’0"
Kiara is the team’s other mechanic. She’s mostly self-taught, and has worked with Alec on a couple cars. She focuses more on the electronics and interior of the car, unlike Alec, who only really repairs the car’s performance.
The Car
2003 Paladin Mace 2.8L
Kiara picked this up from someone selling it on eBay for $900 (obviously not in the state shown above) and boy did it not disappoint. But also simultaneously did disappoint. There were several things wrong with the car; one of the wheels was missing, the boot was completely rusted and the back left door just wouldn’t open for some reason, to name a few. Nothing Alec and Kiara couldn’t fix, though.
They spent the remaining $1,100 replacing broken and rusted parts, getting some new tires and generally making the car more offroad-ready. What they had after all that is what you see here.
(might suck, lmk if there’s anything else i need to add)
5 Likes
Team Firulais
After they failed to even register for the very last stage last year, a rather curious team of “5” humans (some of them are humanoid descendants) makes their first entry to the Shitbox Rally…!..and hopefully, it shouldn’t be their last.
The Members of the Crew
Josué Mertsa (22 y/o, Earth Age, Human)
The first member of the crew, and, arguably, their leader. While not exactly a guy to mess with, due to a bit of a temper, Josué is still a rather chill guy. He had the idea of the car and after a short voting process to pick options, his choice was the one to go with. He also does some of the oily stuff in the crew as well.
Appearance (a drawing…):
Andrés Coop (23 y/o, Earth Age, Human)
While one of the least intelligent members in the crew, Andrés got in the team after showing “some” driving skill, which is gonna be useful, as the team didn’t want Ángel to drive them all way long. He’s a slightly more skilled mechanic than Josué however, and he’s also very, very friendly… Maybe a bit too friendly.
Appearance (a drawing…):
Ana Montoya (19 y/o, Earth Age, Human)
She gets easily into a temper, and has second to no driver skills. With that, you can already assume she’s a rather reckless and carefree girl. She’s also quite greedy, and also easy to get into a fight with. That being said, however, she’s good at driving fast on a straight line, so that may benefit the team. She’s also probably the most entertaining member to watch, due to her curious personality.
Appearance (yet another drawing… Don’t blame me, I feel like drawing the characters allows me some freedom…):
Tomás Tsu (18 y/o, Earth Age, Human [?])
This young boy is very creative. He got the name for the team and also can get the team to calm down, being in some way the morale booster of the team. He ain’t necessarily a bad driver, nor he’s a bad mechanic either, although he does know little about fixing things in an object as complicated as a car. He got in the team after the very last member here told him…
Appearance (another drawing, why not):
Ángel Yukobaiyaroslavl (25 y/o, Earth Age, Humanoid Descendant)
The oldest in the team is the smartest, and most capable, both at driving and at fixing. Sadly, he’s an absolute noob at cooking. Also, why does he look so sad ? Well… Let’s say he has some issues. Being someone with the power of Telepathy and also reading minds is good, until you realize that the latter isn’t necessarily controlled at your own will… This is just one of his many problems. Also, YES, that Surname WAS NOT a misprint. And also, yes, he can read minds, even if he doesn’t want to… He can also communicate telepathically, a power which he can actually control…
Appearance (the last drawing):
The Car: 1982 Aurora Aurinko 140
Josué proposed buying a car from a Finnish Brand, Aurora. Aurora had a good range of cars in the 70s, 80s and 90s, and it seemed like everyone agreed. For Josué, it was his car of choice. For Ana, it had sportiness, for Tomás, it had style, for Andrés, it had comfort, and for Ángel, it had reliability.
However, as soon as they began the bargain hunt, issues began almost immediately. The Smaller cars in the lineup weren’t that attractive, mainly due to unpracticality… So they started looking for a larger car. Sadly, the cars that were larger were going over their budget… They had to find a middle point. And they found it with the first generation Aurinko. Small, Cheap and Budget Friendly, but also Spacious enough to be comfortable and practical… Even with this perfect model, the search only complicated itself…
Until, one day, Josué found this 1982 example for $1,500. They immediately bought it, it was the only car that wouldn’t be a nightmare as of costs… But, sadly, the repairs would be a Nightmare… For Ángel, that is. The engine was barely functional, the Transmission was about as accurate as a Joy-Con with Drift, and the Interior was amongst the nastiest things they ever got to see.
Nevertheless, it was an all or nothing when buying this… And they did. It was this, or going back to the drawing board. With that, Ángel officially became the Team’s Workhorse, and got to work. In his words, he said: “I’ll rebuild the engine. After all, if we’ve got $500 to spare, why spend them in modifications and trash, when we can, you know, make the car work ? I want to spend time fixing the car here rather than fixing constant breakdowns down the road…”
Slowly, but surely, a vast majority of the Cash went on repairs… And guess what ? They worked ! The Transmission was now smooth and efficient, the Engine, while a tad noisy and running on way lower quality fuel than it was supposed to, did just fine. The only thing Ángel couldn’t fix was the interior, but I guess that shouldn’t be too much of an Issue later, right ?
With a rebuilt engine and transmission, some things did improve ! Mainly reliability concerns… But sadly, now the car had a pathetic fuel economy. Besides, it’s not a fast machine, so, yeah, don’t expect these guys to win… The last of the Cash (roughly $10, which they spent on paint and stickers) went on some decorations, like the Team’s Name, and Crew Member’s Name… Ángel was surprised his name could fit in that window.
As said before, don’t expect them to win…
But don’t expect them to come last ! And even if they do, the Quintet will be amongst one of the most interesting teams to watch at their debut.
4 Likes
Long Post, Ik…
Hey, just a reminder - Check to make sure your car meets the fixture rules before you submit it.
Seriously, this challenge does take a lot of effort to run, and we’re not doing resubmissions this year.
The Rhino Squad is back
Chanty is currently working in her father´s garage, as after their last adventure she decided to make something out of her life. When she takes a smoking break, her father Thomas Nilfert has something … special on the trailer.
Eh, what junk is that?
A Primus Legacy. Early model with the ancient engine and old automatic, ugly color, rusty, damaged. The cheapest large Primus I could get. It´s great for spares. You know that we make advert for service of classic Primus models? We need spares in stock.
The next day, Chanty used her smartphone to look for some distraction after a difficult job on a Primus Merit, and then found out something interessing.
Dad? Can we use this car for something before we rip it apart?
Why should I? Yes, it still runs and shifts and vaguely goes in the direction I steer, but… the value is almost zero, and decent ones are still cheap enough to not turn this junk into one.
How about another … rally event? This is even on another planet!
Thomas dropped his coffee and almost died from laughter.
PFHAHAHAHA WHAT? YOU MEAN SMALL GREEN ALIENS IN AN UFO KIDNAPP US? BWHAHAHAHA
No, dad. They teleport us and the car with a beam.
Yeah, sure. EH! MATEUSZ! TURN OFF THE DAMN ENGINE OF THAT IMPERATOR! MY DAUGHTER HAS HALLUCINATIONS FROM THE EXHAUST GASES!
A few days later, Chanty discusses with her boyfriend Jan.
And you think it works?
Sure! I talked to some teams we met in Sweden, and they say it does.
So, let´s do it then. But will your father hand us over the car?
I know where the keys are… come on, this will be fun. Be my Clyde, because I will be your Bonnie.
You sure?
Mostly… but me being the full responsible mechanic and not having the help of daddy will be… a challenge, I guess… but he thinks I am telling bullshit…
What if we persuade these weirdos from Eberswalde, if they go for it… then I guess, Thomas will believe us?
Well, then call @HermannMatern . Let´s see what they think.
THE RHINO SQUAD
Well, her last name “Nilfert” sounds like Nilpferd, which means hippo, but as Chanty is… not really smart, she mixed it up with rhino, which lead to the team name.
Chanty
Chantal, 20 year old, works in the garage of her grumpy father Thomas. From him she intherited being a petrolhead and therefore wants to join this challenge. She is both an extro- and introvert and can´t stop driving her father crazy by switching between her two personalities. Other than that, she is dumb as bread and acts before she thinks, but propably the most caring and lovely person you could imagine.
Jan
Jan, 22, is Chantys boyfriend. He isn´t that tough guy that Thomas wanted for his daughter. He is very gentle, mostly calm and works in a nursing home. To Thomas, Jan is a douchebag, but over time, they got used to each other and Thomas respects him as he treats his daughter well. Jan is maybe not a good driver, but he is needed to stop Thomas and Chanty from killing each other.
Thomas
The 60 year old Thomas is a man of the old stamp. Grumpy, chain-smoking, always open for a good whisky and dark beer. He owns a service garage and while he isn´t as good as MacGyver, its good enough to live from that. He owns some classic Primus, as he worked for this brand after the fall of the wall, before he was a mechanic for IFA in East Germany. The emotionally unavailable loner is often annoyed by his freaky daughter, but will always help her out in any situation. In fact, Thomas can be a very sensitive and warm person, but he tries not to show that.
The car
As described above, it´s a 1991 Primus Legacy 320. In questionable condition. But within a few days, it could be repaired to a point that it could manage to survive a rally event.
6 Likes
Timeloss
After a hell of a time at the 2023 clunkers run, and junking their old breadbox, Timeloss returns once again for the big event. Connections were made, friendships formed, and a realization that they’re gonna have to run a really trimmed down team for this event. They had a lot of people last time, so slimming is more important than - well - sending everyone.
So, Shall we meet our trio then?
Introduced Left to Right
Selena Winsborough (She/Her)
Selena isn’t actually from out of time, no she’s just a Vampire from a long time ago. She’s been through a bunch of different identities (maybe that’s why she looks familiar?) but kept this one up once she started working for ARRD. She started as a Work Colleague of Ruuka’s, before they became very close friends. (More than Friends, really.)
Selena is Timeloss’ Secondary Driver.
Mirage (She/Her)
Mirage was the first person Ruuka found in her travels, around 2 years ago. She has become the effective 2ic of Timeloss. Mirage is a Wizard from Golarion, who knows a lot about magic, but also nerdy enough she picked up how a lot of mechanical stuff works on Earth. She knows how to make a fix a lot, but doesn’t know how to drive.
Mirage is Primary Navigator as well as being head on Repairs. She won’t be driving because she can’t.
Ruuka Takoyama (She/Her)
Ruuka is the “Leader” of Timeloss, being the first of the group to arrive on Earth nearly 2 and a half years ago. She’s a mech and starfighter pilot from 500 years in the future, who has a personal AI who really wants to help, sometimes too much. Even with being friends with the other two, she’s technically their boss because of the company they work for.
Ruuka is Timeloss’ Primary Driver.
What about the car?
At one point, it was a 1998 Torrento Azreia SE. The group picked it up off a kid on the outskirts of Vegas, however the engine was running on 2 and a half of the 4 cylinders it had and a lot of other stuff was just very broken. Thankfully, Timeloss has more than three people on their team, so Victoria [Mentioned in 2023 Clunkers] and Taylor [Non-forum mentioned character] spent a few weeks tearing and chopping the car up until they ended up with, well, this nightmare machine.
The stock suspension was broken and too expensive to replace, so they didn’t. Grabbed some solid axles from something out of the Twin Suns junk pile, and stuck them on. Got a fat 7L Pushrod V8 from an old work truck and threw that in the front with the gearbox and drivelines from the same truck. Now she’s more a Baja monster than a road racer, but that’s all good.
The base Torrento Azreia was provided to me by @Leone via the Shitbox Rally discord. She let me destroy her child in good faith, so yeah.
5 Likes
It becomes serious
CHANTAL JOLINA NILFERT! Why did you mount my plates onto that shitbox? Thats highly illegal. And what do you want with such a barge, you said yourself these old Primus are seriously uncool and ugly.
That with the extraterrestrian rallye was not a lie! We could use this vehicle, and…
Your mother should not have taken you out of that mental hospital when you were 17. Really! Oh… no, please… don´t cry! Sorry, I was mean. But… .seriously… what the hell?
Here! Look yourself before you … say I am crazy. Sniff!
We all are. We are Nilferts. Have you ever seen a sane or underweight Nilfert? Me neither. The only normal one was actually the one locked up early enough in prison, who… well, that´s another topic. Oh, that encrypted e-Mail… what the? Do you really believe that? It´s propably an early April´s fool. Wait… you fixed some of the damage? WITH MY SPARE PARTS? WE ARE LOW ON THEM! THAT IS WHY I BOUGHT THAT DAMN RUSTBUCKET!
Dad, we are a mechanic family, do you really want us to appear with a car that´s barely moving and losing parts?
Eeeeh. No. Let me test drive it myself to see what´s still wrong. Oh, I LOVED the stereos of these. They were the best of the best back then. By the age of the previous owner, I think there is something in the cassette drive.
OOOOOOOOH YEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAH!
DAD! THIS IS AWFUL! TURN THIS OFF! OR AT LEAST REWIND TO ANOTHER ONE.
CHERI CHERI LADY, LOOKI…
OH MY GOD!
No Chantal, THAT was music, not the Tarzan yells you listen to…
Dad! The screen went off!
Known error with very old Primus OICs. Just slap on it like… THAT! BANG! You see? It´s fixed. Legacys aren´t that hard to keep running if you know them well. Sounds like someone has already removed the converter. I might put some lead in the tank, huh!
So… that lowers the center of gravity and makes us faster?
CHANTAAAAAAL! No! At least you know lead is heavy, thats more than you knew before learning the profession of a mechanic… No, lead prevents knocking but was forbidden later for environmental concerns, and it destroys converters. By the way: These models might have an ancient engine, but the injection system and ECU was top-notch for 1991. The Primus Comtronit (Computer Control Unit) of these days could adapt to a lot if you got the diagnosis computer and the cables, which I of course have. Primus did include such a feature because than engine was also mounted in their offroad car, the Aventura, which ran in countries where fuel qualities were fluctuating. So, here we are, back at the garage.
Uh-oh, the body roll is a bit much.
It just feels like that because you are used to that back-breaking aftermarket crap I refuse to call suspension that you threw in your car. But yes, it could need an alignment and a transmission fluid change. A few shifts were a bit rough. And these transmissions, the A4E, were notorious for trouble, even if the Legacys is less of a nightmare than the early ones in the Imperator II. But hey, it still shifts and the suspension is fine. See that!
DAAAAAAD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Uuuuh-oooh, I should have checked the brakes more in depth before, HOLD ON!
THAT WAS SOOOOO CLOSE! I HATE YOU!
6 Likes
Some familiar faces return, and new ones join. From far flung worlds, or the underside of the law, this group has stood strong in the face of adversity and are no strangers to adventure. The Shitbox Rally is no different, through reality and an unfamiliar world in a beat to shit automobile with like minded people helping each other along.
Unfortunately, someone, specifically someone who was given the task to decide upon the name selected, well… The “Crazy” Eight. Makes sense when you think about it, eight people, V8 engine. Not to mention it’s also a reference to the CSX 8888 “Crazy Eights” runaway incident in 2001. Eight not being a plural noun is a reference to the title of the movie “The Hateful Eight”. Naturally, one of the team thinks it implies that they are all deranged, another thinks he could come up with something better, three aren’t really fazed, one is completely clueless and last but not least the one who came up with the name has been hit by flying slippers at least three times now.
Let's meet them, shall we?
WATCHTOWER
Real Name: Landon T. Sabourne
Race: Vulpine (Bipedal Red Fox)
Nationality: Velkari
Gender: Male
Age: 51 (Birthday - May 17th 1972)
Height: 200cm or 6’ 7”
Weight: 97.5kg or 215 lbs
A returning participant from last year, Landon has recently taken a backseat to his military career, and has taken up mercenary work. That said, he still wears the rank of Supreme General back home, but is currently listed as “temporarily absent”. Admittedly, he’s enjoying the lesser responsibility, and this time he plans to have more fun than worrying. Though, he still knows that there’s probably a bunch of things that have yet to go wrong. More recently, he’s acquired a sword, a weapon he wields with unexplained skill, but is very likely to reserve it for more unique missions.
Appearance using Hero Forge:
BLACK KNIGHT
Full Name: Karl von Heislingberg
Race and Nationality: Caracalian (Bipedal Caracal)
Gender: Male
Age: 25 (28 Earth, adopted birthday of June 28th 1996)
Height: 196cm or 6’ 5” (excluding ear tufts)
Weight: 108kg or 240 lbs
Also returning from last year is Karl von Heislingberg. However, things in his life have changed. For one he’s now in a committed relationship, and second, he’s now in command of a freighter/passenger ship named the Swan, belonging to his family’s interstellar shipping and tourism company. Also new is his new dabbling in mercenary work for the newly established Uni-Ops division at DFN, a private security/military subsidiary of the Dutch shipping conglomerate Van Der Haas International. On the other hand, Karl is still after the sacred cup after last year’s failure and a new lead potentially places it in Holsia.
Appearance using Text: Large framed bipedal caracal, with copper colored eyes, and a rusty brown coat of fur. An elegant athletic build with no disproportionate development, done through a more natural process. Despite being six foot five, Karl is inherently stockier due to Caracalian biology. 240 pounds is on the lighter side for others his age. (I yet again do not have a good reference for Karl, although, I’m pretty sure you can imagine at least roughly what a bipedal caracal may look like for now. 
)
MOUNTAIN MAN
Real Name: Neil Bergmann
Race: Human
Nationality: American
Gender: Male
Age: 41 (Birthday - July 12th 1982)
Height: 192.412cm or 6’ 4”
Weight: 99.3kg or 219 lbs
One of the four humans on this team, Neil Bergmann is not only a man of mountains, but a man of mystery. All that’s known about him to the ordinary person is that he worked for DFN as an elite supervisor for their midwest operations and now heads Uni-Ops. On the flipside, Neil has a past that he would rather remain secret and within specific social circles, although it’s the reason why he’s now working a more legitimate job. His reason for taking part in the rally is because he’s been mostly a loner for the last 20 years and he considers this kind of social interaction good for the psyche and keeping him sane.
Appearance using Face-app:
THE COP
Real Name: Miles Hudson
Race: Human
Nationality: American
Gender: Male
Age: 45 (Birthday - December 10th 1979)
Height: 193cm or 6’ 4”
Weight: 102kg or 225 lbs
The second human is Miles Hudson, and yes, he looks like Neil. Why? Because they’re related. By blood. That being said, they only share a father, and not a mother, which is why Miles’ last name is Hudson and not Bergmann. Ironically, both him and Neil share the same lethal skills, both with marksmanship and hand to hand combat, although Miles’ put his skillset to a nobler cause by choosing to become a police officer. However, as of recently, Miles is no longer in law enforcement, and now works for Uni-Ops as a liaison between them and federal agencies. On the other hand, Miles hasn’t spoken to Neil in over 20 years, and thus he feels like they need to make up for lost time.
Appearance using Face-app:
SMOKESCREEN
Real Name: Kate Huxley
Race: Human
Nationality: American
Gender: Female
Age: 37 (Birthday - September 5th 1986)
Height: 188 cm or 6’ 2”
Weight:76 kg or 168 lbs
The third human on this trip, Kate is not exactly someone who shares much about herself. Only thing that’s been shared so far is that she worked and still works for DFN, has the same level of proficiency when it comes to firearms and hand to hand combat as Neil and Miles. She appears to have some kind of relationship with Neil, although it’s very difficult to tell exactly the nature of their involvement as neither displays any visual queues. Having lived a reclusive life, she feels that it’s time to try something new, and thus when presented with the opportunity to partake in SR24, she seized it.
Appearance using the Sims 4: (Coming soon, I’ll provide a link in a future post when I update this)
GOLDEN EAGLE
Real Name: Hans Adler
Race: Human
Nationality: German
Gender: Male
Age: 35 (Birthday - June 7th, 1917)
Height: 173 cm or 5’ 8”
Weight:74 kg or 165 lbs
The fourth and final human on this list is Hans Adler. Firstly, the elephant in the room. Hans is 35 despite being born in 1917. Why? Because he’s from 1952. An alternate 1952 in which Axis Powers won WW2. Long story short, Hans was coerced into working for the Luftwaffe, designed and engineered a prototype aircraft dubbed a “Super Stuka”. Upon completion, he took what little belongings he had left, the original designs of his aircraft and most of his other designs, and began plotting his escape to North America. However, in an unexpected turn of events after flying into a thunderstorm over the English Channel, he wound up in our time line and in the present day no less. Presumed dead in his timeline, Hans now lives in Pahrump, Nevada, and maintains a hangar at the Twin Suns Aerodrome, which functions as a secondary HQ for DFN’s Uni-Ops. Because he’s the one who sourced the vehicle for this year’s rally, he feels obligated to come along. Who knows, he just might have fun.
Appearance using Hero Forge:
AKULA
Real Name: Alexandrei “Alexei” Koraelin
Race: Hyceian
Gender: Male
Age: 38 (Birthday - July 19th 1986/July 19th 2486)
Height: 191 cm or 6’ 3”
Weight: 89 kg or 197 lbs
The second military officer on the roster, Alex, as his name is often shortened to, hails from a water planet named Hydralis, a planet mostly populated by aquatic humanoid creatures known, after translation, as Hyceians. A father of three, ages 15 and 13 respectively, and married, Alex maintains a close knit family. However, that’s with the exception of his father who, as a result of past mistakes, drove a wedge between them. These mistakes in the past are why Lex is at a similar skill level to the three Americans and why he runs a special forces group based on the starship Stargazer. Unfortunately, the things that he endured left him with a form of PTSD. Despite the issues, he’s managing himself very well and has begun repairing some of the damage done. While on Earth, he took up mercenary work under Uni-Ops, also managing to secure posts for both his significant other, Via, and his father (coincidentally shares a name with Miles Hudson) within the group. For SR24, only the former is joining him, as there’s only so many people that can fit in a Diamant GPV8 and besides, it’s time to find a new way to have fun.
Appearance using Hero Forge (Background removed using Face-App):
SIREN
Name: Via Koraelin (née Namarri)
Race: Hyceian
Gender: Female
Age: 36 (Birthday - June 28th 1988/June 28th 2488)
Height: 185 cm or 6’ 1”
Weight: 79.3 kg or 175 lbs
A former helicopter/gyroplane pilot, Via finds herself more content with civilian life and looking after the three sons she has with Alex. However, sometimes, such a lifestyle can become a little… boring. That’s why Uni-Ops was a refreshing change of pace, because it didn’t relegate her to using her skills as a pilot, and provided an incentive to apply more of her military training in on the ground type scenarios. As an added bonus, her and Alex get to spend more time together working. Of course, this event is gonna be treated as a sort of vacation for the two of them. Only problem that she sees might be the fact Alex is inexperienced with a manual transmission.
Appearance using Hero Forge:
And the car?
Purchased as part of a two for one deal from a specialized dealership near Pahrump, the group plans to use this ex-army Diamant GPV for the journey. An uncommon example of the standard GPV, featuring a longer rear overhang, and a V8 engine, this example boasts an extra bench seat in the back allowing for eight people on board and a horsepower rating close to 300. However, not all that glitters is gold.
Firstly, the car is plagued with a multitude of electrical issues. Some are minor, like the aftermarket radio not working, or a couple of the extra lights not being wired correctly, if at all, and some are pretty significant, like the dying alternator, or the temperamental ECU. Second, the interior is in horrific condition, especially the top of the dashboard, from sitting in the Nevada sun for the last 17 years, not to mention the loosely hanging dome light up front and other broken interior bits. Finally, there’s also the fact this car hasn’t exactly been driven much in the last two months and even though it runs good despite the 245,000 miles it has on the odometer, it’s still a bit sketchy to drive. Oh, and did I mention the catalytic converter delete?
What else would you expect for two grand?
6 Likes
OH NO, TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS ARE BACK!
(Yes, pre-race RP will be coming later, have a presentation for now)
You thought that you finally had gotten rid of the backwoods drunkards from northern Sweden? Forget it. You can count on them showing up this year too, and…well, nobody has calmed down, or gotten smarter, or…let’s just say it will probably be the same chaos as always.
JANNE MÄKITALO
Aged 46, and the skilled mechanic of the bunch. In fact, he can build anything out of random scrap you give him. He can also repair more or less anything you throw at him, just don’t be too sure to get it back the same decade. Also, the last years he has shown to have more knowledge in weird, supernatural stuff than he ever would admit. Daily drives a 1997 Boulder L150 and a 1969 IP Icarus diesel wagon. Working as a mechanic at the IP dealership he has more than “some” knowledge about those cars. Has a stalled woodgas conversion project of a 1967 Saarland Kardinal in a barn, also, he has more broken tractors, mopeds, snowmobiles, ATVs, lawnmowers, forklifts and whatnot scattered around in his yard than you can count to.
ANDREAS KERO
Aged 34, a skilled racing driver, or… OK, a folkrace driver, or… OK, sometimes he can do a full lap on the track without the car (for this season a Mara Kavaler) breaking down completely. Short tempered and has no patience with Marie’s stupidity (including the nailgun incident that seems to have affected his forehead on this picture). Wouldn’t admit it but is scared as hell about Janne’s occult experiments and denies that anything has ever happened. Daily drives a 1995 Vaughn Grand Mirage GTS.
MARIE PESULA
Aged 39, never misses a single opportunity to get drunk on whatever she can find, seems to have her brain activity constantly in stand by mode. Creates chaos wherever she goes but always blames someone or something else. Has an eye for aesthetics at least according to herself. Daily drives a 2002 Saarland Ambrosia V6 wagon. Also has an extremely gaudy 1962 4 door Dodge Dart (see SR2023 for reference pics if you want to fry your eyes for some reason). Always either too drunk or too stupid (most often both) to understand that Janne is into some strange stuff.
THE CHARIOT OF 2024
“Jungle fever” was a star of the late 70s custom car scene in Sweden. A 1971 IP Icarus panel van that had the usual treatment for the era. A prize winner in some car shows of its day, that most people probably thought was long gone. Until it did show up in a barn somewhere in the north. If Janne got his hands on it? Well, of course. And even if the paint is faded and has lots of cracking and flaking bondo, exposing rust underneath, a wash revealed that it was still fairly solid in its sheetmetal. Except for the original hood that was so soft that it bent in front of the hinges, replaced with a green one from Janne’s backyard. Latest tax sticker says 1984, but not too much work was spent with getting it back alive. Sure, the interior is a bit damp and smells…funny, which for the moment is cured with some Wunder-baum (little tree) air freshners.
The modifications were not only cosmetical. The original 4 cylinder was replaced with the 2.4 litre “6L24” inline six (available in the other bodystyles, so a bolt in swap) that has a ported and milled cylinder head, a camshaft and exhaust header from IMOS (IP MotorSports) that would be sought after by some enthusiasts today, and some weird aftermarket intake for a 4 barrel Holley that not even Janne has seen before. Not a fire breathing monster but still a bit more power than the inline four could bring.
Smells funny, sure, but rather intact, complete with a black/white TV, a rather useless couch and a minibar, untouched since the late 70s, what’s not to like?
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The rules say no AWD. Does this mean that 4WD is also banned?
AWD is allowed, just not for mid-engine cars.
What about 4WD?
Is there mid-engine 4WD?
I know for front-engine, there’s 4WD, and that is allowed.
Snork’s Tuners
History
Among the many teams contesting in Sh!tbox Rally 2024, Snork’s is a newcomer born to jump head first into any pool of opportunity, so when one engineer mentioned a division of budget motorsport to the lead engineer, Snork Florenski, it was decided that they must participate.
Snork’s is a performance tuner and automaker of low volume sports cars, one of many across the globe, though its unlikely any other shares the history of a house troll having a dream to escape his cozy life in a rural Finnish valley to make cutting edge cars. Though Snork has been well off with his growing business since he began in the late 60s, he’s never been fully satisfied; there’s always room for improvement, more power, more publicity, and he has frequently relied on motorsports to achieve both.
For most of Snork’s Tuner’s history, the company has had one specialty; take the foundation of cheap cars and turn them into prestigious, high quality vehicles, and there’s nothing cheaper than the automotive scourge born from behind the iron curtain, Otelensk. It’s a challenge to turn garbage on wheels into something fast and reliable, almost as difficult as making a worse quality car than what Otelensk churns out, but it’s a challenge Snork’s Tuners has become fit to tackle, so it was almost as if Snork’s was made for this rally challenge.
The Team
Snork Florenski
The lead engineer, and the only member who does not even vaguely resemble a human. No, he is a house troll standing at stout 4’9", having short, velvety white fur all over, a rather rotund body, a long tail ending in a tuft, stubby legs, flat feet, and generally looking like if a bipedal hippo was a marshmallow, as most house trolls look. Despite beginning his career many decades ago, Snork is hardly any worse for wear. While every product Snork sells is guaranteed to be consistently high quality, Snork himself can shift from slow & calculated to spontaneous at a moment’s notice, hence his decision to round up a racing team before getting a full grasp of the competition.
Madds Makkenen
The assistant engineer, and the son of Snork’s first business partner. While Snork kept his big snout to the grindstone for decades, Madds’ father would eventually grow too old to keep up with the ambitious troll. So, it would be destiny that Madds himself took up the mantle of maintaining the tuning business, though as a young adult and the youngest on the team, Madds has the same excitable maturity Snork had way back when, though he has never let his enthusiasm get the best of him.
Anton Larsson
The driver, an experienced touring car and rally privateer. Although podium placements are not a common sight for Anton, he races fast and clean enough to afford to keep coming back year after year. That does not mean he is some random shmuck who has been plucked to go racing in Sh!tbox Rally 2024, for as a fellow Finn Anton has been a publicity boon for Snork’s, as the workshop has often funded Anton’s racing endeavors, building race spec cars for him in hopes that a Snork’s could take a manufacturer’s victory. As a fellow underdog, there is no other driver Snork trusts more than Anton.
Eddie “Fourth Wheel” Millton
The Co-Driver, and one of the most talented designers at Snork’s. An English chap who found himself at Snork’s originally as a test driver, but has quickly become one of Snork’s most crucial assets. It takes just a minute inside any car for him to find an intimate familiarity like it’s the only one he’s ever known. It is a compliment to say his gut is smarter than his head, because through gut feeling Eddie can tell a car’s exact balance, downforce, drag, and whether the engine can handle any more boost. If anything were to go wrong during the rally, there’s no one better suited to handle the problem than Eddie.
The Build Process
As a busy little workshop, there are almost always a few old stock models in storage waiting to be reborn as worthy machines, most of them Otelensks from decades past, but there was one that showed promise, being the closest to a decent car, the compact family sedan, Otelensk Trisky. How much did they pay for this preowned FF econobox back in the 80s? Well, the team would rather bank on plausible deniability, saying “It couldn’t have been much, just look at it!” than to actually go into the records to see just how little more money they could sink into their chosen chariot. So, after installing somewhere in the ballpark of $1500 worth of new parts, Snork’s Tuners proudly submits the Snork’s Trisky Le’Mon.
Like every Snork’s car, this 1 of 1 tune needed a new paint job from the original drab brown, and a new chrome badge on the bonnet, but that’s it for aesthetic additions, except for Madds stenciling the brand name and car number on either side “to make it more like a race car”.
The first thing to go was the engine, as the Trisky’s original aluminum 4 banger would turn to dust at the mere thought of having to make competitive power. What’s powering the front wheels now is a 3 liter Muldar V6, a chunk of mid 70s iron crap, but by god was it the best crap Otelensk ever made as it has been dropped into every truck and van Otelensk would make since, even keeping up with the times as later generations adopted fuel injection. This would be far from the first time Snork’s has given a Muldar block new pistons or a turbo, but for the sake of reliability the boost has been tuned down to make a respectable 219hp & 262ft*lbs.
That turbo upgrade is where most of the money went, meaning Snork’s had to cheap out with almost everything else, like this bolt on plastic scrap for a spoiler. “It’s not efficient, but it keeps the light rear end down, though the tool box and new fuel tank are already doing that,” Eddie proclaimed.
Though there wasn’t much to tear out from the interior to save weight, Snork’s still gutted what was there to gut out, keeping only the radio for communication. The front seats were replaced with a pair of the plenty bucket seats in stock in the workshop, and where the rear bench was there’s now a fuel tank bolted to the chassis holding somewhere in the ballpark of 30 - maybe 40 - liters, plus a pair of spare tires.
Now, about the antenna and flag mounted to the roof. This is the result of Snork misinterpreting the rules regarding dimensions and fuel tank limits. Originally it was just the antenna that was rewired to the roof, believing that any means to exceed a height of 2 meters would permit the usage of a 50 liter fuel tank, and as a newcomer Snork believed this rally could be anything from Monte Carlo to Dakar, so if running out of fuel was a possible issue being a B class size while maintaining an A class pace was a no brainer! That is until the team realized that antennas are excluded from the dimensions, so a flag “for spotting and safety” was added, which also is not strictly necessary to install a large fuel tank. That was not a happy day for Snork’s Tuners.
Besides the turbo, the other major expense for their Trisky Le’Mon was tires. Specialty made rally wheels were not an option, so it was a hard choice between all-terrains and sports-compounds. After getting a tip (reading the invitation top to bottom again) they settled on fitting the car with sports-compounds by default while storing a pair of all-terrains on the car’s roof just in case the roads get loose, and another pair of sports-compounds behind the front seats. The steel wheels themselves aren’t designed for Triskys, being a tad wider, but they were the most plentiful and therefore cheapest option while having high grip treads.
After all those installations, including tweaks to the stock suspension and new brake pads, the team was running low on money and time, so Snork’s had a difficult choice to make for the last upgrade; install a roll-cage, or address the open differential. Safety, or speed. Installing an LSD would definitely push them over the 2 grand limit, so they cheaped out one last time by finding a manual locking diff from an Otelensk truck, and just prayed no disaster would strike.
This would be the car Snork’s Tuners would race with. There was room for improvement, but there’s only so much one can do with so little.
The Finalized Car
Snork’s Tuners will compete in Sh!tbox Rally 2024 using a modified 1982 Otelensk Trisky which has been left in storage for years after being acquired second-hand. The original engine has been swapped for an Otelensk Muldar Mid Block, upgraded with a turbo designed in house. The two sets of wheels, totalling 6 sports-compounds and 2 all-terrains, are aftermarket, with the all-terrains being ordered specifically for the Trisky Le’Mon. Bolted onto the trunk lid is a plastic spoiler, and a toolbox is tied down in the trunk. The back seats have been torn out to make room for a 35 liter fuel tank and space for two spare wheels, while the front seats have been replaced with bucket seats built in house. Brake pads in the front have been replaced, as was the open differential with a manually lockable diff from an even older Otelensk truck. Finally, the Trisky Le’Mon was given a new coat of paint, a few decals, and chrome badging, as well as an unnecessary relocation of the radio antenna and additional flag.
Snork's Thoughts
When the lead engineer was asked if the car was within budget, he confidently answered, “Of course! You don’t think we’re here to trample the competition with a cheating car, do you? We’re not here just to win - frankly the fact we’ve built off a car as notorious as a chiseled brick badged by Otelensk probably dooms our chances of winning. We’re here to make connections, build our brand, prove that I’m running a company that can turn a peasant’s carriage into a proper car. Now about money, most enthusiasts would have to pay a lot - relative to this rally - just to get their paws on the bare minimum rust bucket, with swapping engines or diffs being a pipe dream, but an independent tuning company like what I own only has material costs to worry about by using tools and parts we already own. Now, we can agree to disagree, but I consider using up some of our pre-existing stock to put towards the car is, how would you put it… calculated business expenses, and not costs concerning the competition limit. Excluding the all-terrain tires and brake pads… and the fuel tank, and - hahaha - the flag, nothing was bought for the purpose of making a budget rally car. And I’m sure we’re not the only team to be hauling spare parts on the roof or in the trunk, which I also don’t think pushes the car’s value above two grand anyway. Like I said, it’s still ninety percent Otelensk, a car for people with the budget better oriented to a bike, and can stand to wait five years to be approved to own anything with four wheels.”
Snork was then questioned about the team’s strategy for the rally; “Since this is our rookie season, we’ll be playing it safe to start, letting our drivers get used to the car and the lands before any wear challenges their adaptability. My main concern is tire wear; sooner or later we’ll have to push the car to its limits, and that’ll mean the car’s tires will likely be worn down to slicks, hence an extra pair of sports tires, and just in case there’s a gravel stage in the mix, our Trisky will wear all-terrains on the front to not lose our grip advantage. As for other reliability issues, heh, isn’t that everyone’s problem? I’m sure the Trisky will get to the end on its own four wheels as long as Anton doesn’t bin it, but he’s a naturally defensive driver on the track, he doesn’t tend to take risks when there’s a long run to consider.”
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The Interceptors
The people
Jeremias Klackers, 38, from Rosendorf, Gasmea
Jens Mai, 35, from Rosendorf, Gasmea
Richard Hammersbach, 32, from Willburg, Gasmea
The car
1989 Mara Kavaler 5.0 Interceptor
Delivered to the Archanan state just before the fall of the Closed Curtain in 1990, the car has never seen official duties. Jens has bought the car for cheap from a used car dealer across the river in Tenelova a few years ago and spent some time on it restoring it.
The context in a nutshell
TBA as soon as I get sufficient inspiration to write the first episode
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