(Overheard in the coffee tent near the Ferreira Family Crash Team’s camp site)
Buster “Hey dad, I was talking to the other teams, sounds like we have better than average reliability, drivability and fuel economy. You know what that means?”
Bruce “We’re slow…”
I can’t wait for the competition to start.
looks at his fuel-thirsty beast… you better scoot your butt fast, you magnificent piece of rust-belt crap…
I’m quietly confident my car is probably one of the better handling ones here. I’m also probably the slowest sports car here in a straight line, but who needs speed when you’re broken down on the side of the road right?
IIRC, Saab was competing in Baja 1000 one year with the 96 V4…so at least FWD have been tried IRL… 
Day 0
“Fuckin’ hell, Luke! Get your fuckin’ foot off the fuckin’ accelerator!” Mark Jasper said, hanging onto the stripped-down dashboard frame as Luke Sinistra raced the Sinistra Savage Concept through the streets and to the campsite where the race would start. Every stop sign and intersection turned into a roaring smoke-show as their brutal 464 cubic inch, tri-valve V8 spun up the front tires.
“Relax, I used to do this shit for a living.” Luke said, narrowly missing an utter shitbox as he swerved across the road and onto the gravel trail. Mark, despite having some rally experience, looked as white as a ghost, while Luke Sinistra had a determined look on his face. The wind roaring in through the open top whipped Luke’s long gray hair into a frenzy, giving the middle-aged man a wild, almost primal look.
Gravel sprayed from under the tires, showering the trees, other unfortunate drivers, and even getting some into the interior. “I swear, if I have to get a bucket and start bailing gravel out of this boat, Luke…” Mark said, just as Luke threw their front-wheel-drive lifted muscle car around another corner, and the campsite opened up in front of them as they shot out from under the trees.
“I told you I’ve done this before.” Luke said, parking the car in an open spot.
“Why the hell did I agree to be your co-driver… You’re fuckin’ crazy, you know that?” Mark said, starting to look better now that the engine wasn’t running, and he wasn’t being thrown around inside the converted convertible.
“Because you wanted to run a rally, and I heard about this one. C’mon, let’s go meet the other teams.” Luke said.
“Fix your hair first. Between it, and that scowl you always have, you look like a wolf.” Mark said. Luke laughed, then straightened up his hair into something that was still somewhat shaggy, but nowhere near as wild looking.
They left the Sinistra Savage sitting there with the top down, the Crimson Sky red paint gleaming in the sunlight, with the ‘concept’ plates being the only giveaway that the car wasn’t a production vehicle, but instead a highly-modified concept car.
“So, if they ask about our car, what do we say?” Mark asked.
“We’ve got nothing to hide. Tell 'em we’ve got a 464 cubic inch V8 with overhead cams, three valves per cylinder. It’s in the 1965 Savage Concept body, but we’ve given it a lift kit and stripped the interior, and managed to fit some cheap, but decent military tires under it. If anyone really wants to ask more about it, then tell them it’s front-wheel-drive. If they’re asking, obviously they don’t know we’ve been doing that since 1950.” Luke said.
“So, spare no details?” Mark asked.
“Exactly. I’m confident in our car. After all, if we break down, we’re just the fools who brought a front-wheel-drive muscle car to a rally race. Nothing unexpected. If we pull a minor miracle and win this, then we’re the heroes in the crazy front-wheel-drive muscle-rally-car who beat rear-drive and four-by-fours at their own game.” Luke said.
As someone with a 96 V4, I can say that whoever decided that was a good idea was either
A) A genius
B) Insane
Or
C) Both.
I’m leaning towards C.
When the team came, most of the competition was still there on the parking lot, awaiting the start.
The place smelled of good home made BBQ, leaded fuel. There was an amateur orchestra in charge of the animation, and they were playing “I got you babe” by Sonny and Cher. While Jean-Martin was both checking the levels of the Mesaia and cooking the côtes de porc at the same time, Xavier took a stroll in the parking to check on the competition.
And get this, he was enthusiatic when he started.
But… He came back… half devastated to say the least.
Xavier: Heyyy Seppi.
Jean-Martin: Was esch’s?
Xavier: Gott verdammi, have you seen thosssse kars? I think we’ve chosen ze frong kompetitor.
Jean-Martin: Dü äff, we have the 
erfect car. It’s light, versatile, it’s relatively new and it…
Xavier: hàlt d’Gosch, have you seen them?! It looks like eferybody came with V8s and all. Look at this. Purpose built offroaders, lift kits, wide-arsch tires… We’rehere wit a klorified compakt car.
Jean-Martin: Yooo Düüüü. Relax now. Here, two Merguez are ready, I can make you a sandw~
Jean-Martin was interrupted by Xavier pulling him towards the parking, leaving the barbecue unattended.
The two of them took a stroll… one more forced than the other, through the cars that were there. Jean-Martin couldn’t really say anything cuz Xavier, well…
Xavier: Komm with me! I mean look at this one! And this one! It even says SAVAGE on it! And the TSR, oh gott. Look at those tires! Oh jeeee, the Keika on solid axles… Why didn’t we do this?!
Jean-Martin: … y-yeah… But ours will last! Right?.. and… and it’s not that bad! Look at the Rhino… oh gott I remember when these came out… hehe… They came with 4 cylinders, we’re not alone!
…
That’s when the Hartcourt-Entwhistle team decided to pop the hood of their car, revealing the engine swap.
Neither Xavier or Jean-Martin said anything for a few seconds, until they both turned around and said in unison
“Oh gott give us strength.”
The sausage, in the meantime, were burnt to a crisp, of course.
IP MOTORSPORT TEAM, DAY 0
PAWOON: Well, look what a mix of cars, I think that there is everything from souped up lawn tractors to…well, professional teams like…ours.
CHANDAWANG: Yeah, there is an amateur class and then there is a professional class…
PAWOON: If we only could have been as professional as we wanted to. They said that we had to enter with a stocker for publicitys sake. Some of those things are equipped to climb mountains at mach 3! We have…well, two seats and a steering wheel.
CHANDAWANG: We are arriving here to win the race, not to join the circus. What do you trust more? A vehicle that have been proved to be one of the best by our beautiful countrys army or some, like you say, glorified lawn tractor, where a 16 year old have saved his lunch money to buy even more unnecessary stuff that can break to bolt on it.
PAWOON: Well, if we’re going to die in the desert it is at least not because of your lack of self-confidence.
CHANDAWANG: And lack of self-confidence doesn’t win races, right?
PAWOON: Neither do crappy cars.
CHANDAWANG: Promise to strap yourself in hard now, I will show you what this crappy car will do and I don’t want to hear a single complaint afterwards!!!
Pre-Race
Welcome all viewers, to the start of this great spectacle – no doubt it will be; the very first Great Archanian Trek!
My name is Allistair Duncan, and together with former race driver Konrad Kohlmann, I’ll be covering this event from the ground and from the air. We’ll be supported by the organisation – sponsored by PMI LLC Holding – a reason the brand is not competing – who will give us updates from the checkpoints and EHBO stations on route.
This is the Freedom and Tolerance Square of Archania, the capital of Archana, whose great and benevolent ruler, Did Mani Adaemou - 26 years in power now without any opposition whatsoever - who also have to thank for being the kind host of this event.
Currently going on is the review of the cars by the judges, and there’s already some controversy to report. Not all entrants had the regulations seats installed – despite multiple warnings. Luckily, rather than deciding on a disqualification, regulation seats have been made available, and so some teams are currently changing out the seats of their cars.
Let us walk around and see what else is going on… Anything we notice Konrad?
Jah, Allisteer! Ze look of the Bogliq and Cossack is wery… how I say… authentic. Sturdy as brick. Also ze TSR and Keika could be grosse fun. Zey looks like ze rocketships.
Thank you, Konrad. Meanwhile I am noticing the Epoch M30. Aah, stately and nimble as a country mansion in Derbyshire, clearly they didn’t have regulation seats and equipment installed – they are far from the only ones, but Lord Thomilson does not look happy. A blemish for his lordship. Still that seems nothing compared to the Puttzalong Inglese. What is going on there? Seats obviously as well, but also something that looks like… an old phonograph installation that is coming out? What were they thinking dragging that thing along?
…
There the angry faces of Make and Viljame in front of their LSV Buccaneer. They come from up North, where people drive in snow and don’t bother with family names. Let’s hope they know how to deal with loose sand for their sake.
…
Oh, some commotion. The BM Feather, a quaint little thing in appearance – but quite rushed together by the looks of it – is missing an antenna. That’s bad for the drivers – who shall remain unnamed – but the Caliban Thunder is standing just next to it and Joshua Morgan is clearly shouting and gesticulating at his driver. I hear something along the lines of “that BM… real men”, “improvisation, not call for mom…”. Oh, owww… did he? He did. He pulled of the antenna of the Caliban… It looks like they’ll be without for this race. They better don’t break down, unless Morgan is really confident in himself. Let’s hope that the team survives, because Alec Henry is looking something between defeated and less than pleased already.
Awww I knew I was forgetting something. Oh well, this will give me some rp ideas at least, hopefully 
Edit: the promised RP.
The race is about to begin. Alec is starting the Thunder up while Joshua comes back from checking the competition out.
Joshua: “Mate, did you check these guys in the BM? No antenna, they have some big balls.”
Alec: “So? Why does it matter?”
Joshua rips the antenna off of the Caliban, placing it in the bed.
Joshua: “You see, having it easy is not my bowl of rice. We’re doing this the hard way.”
Alec was shocked. He nearly grabbed something to try and hit Joshua with, but did not manage to gather the courage. Instead, he let his head hit the wheel, not knowing if he should cry or laugh out of pure stress. Joshua opened the passenger door, jumping in.
Alec: “Why. Just why.”
Joshua: “I told you, you need to learn how to improvise. Get going, race is about to begin.”
Alec placed the manual gearshift in first gear and creeped towards the starting line, placing the tiny Thunder between bulky dedicated offroaders.
Joshua: “We’re in disadvantage. Just the way I like it. Hopefully more dangerous than the GAFA to spice it up too.”
To be continued.
Teodor and Clive are standing among the lined-up entrants, arms crossed and with slightly miffed expressions. From a little distance they watch as a couple of visibly befuddled competition officials take two items out of their van that bear an eerie resemblance to victorian armchairs and replace them with bucket seats.
Teodor: Are we going to sit in these for the whole trek?
Clive: Seems that way - damn, two or three hard bumps in these and we’ll probably end up paralyzed from the lumbar down!
Teodor: Yeah - weird notion of “safety” these Archanians have for sure…
[Man - had I paid better attention I could have afforded two additional forward gears and a bigger engine…]
Giuseppe was speaking to the judge: “You see this gold watch. Real gold. Genuine antique. All I’m asking is that you let me have my comfort. It’s a fair trade. I get my player, you get this valuable, shiny trinket.”
The judge just looked back at him with a blank expression on his face, then blinked, and pointed his thumb at the tent where there was a small pile of seats and a few… UGH!, “basic” radio sets.
And, with that, both Guiseppe and Arturo got to work removing the now-illegal equipment they had fitted to their Inglese.
Sector 1 and 2:
Sector 1 - Archania – Ziffa
A relatively fast part, starting at the presidential palace of Archania, the capital of Archana, driving out of the boulevards until you reach the Zambeza-river, at which points, the cars turn offroad in the direction of Ziffa, the town at the base of the Achra-volcano.
Sector 2 - Ziffa - Black Sands Lake
A steep climb from Ziffa up the volcano, dodging sharp black vulcanic rock that can shred your tires to bits. The checkpoint is at the huge lake that forms the caldera of the volcano.
My name is Allistair Duncan, and we are off! And so am I, in the helicopter I’ll be using the follow the trail. Konrad will be in the other helicopter providing back-up and I am in contact with out people at the checkpoints.
The Cossack has the honour of opening the Trek, and it – slowly – sets off this great event. The Sakura-Mathews America Factory Team’s ‘Empress’ is second, and drama almost immediately when at the very first turn the car goes straight and comes within millimetres of hitting a photographer! People look shocked, the car looks wedged stuck on some stairs; this is a truly horrible start!
I wonder it is ze driver error or if ze car is bad, Allisteer.
Yes Konrad, that is indeed the question here, are they dealing with a defect or were it nerves playing up? In any case, the Empress will need some time to get back on the road.
O mein gott, was ist das?
That, Konrad, is insanity. And it’s called the Sinistra Savage, a front-wheel drive muscle car. It humps and heaves while leaving the line, as if its front wheels are arms desperately clawing for grips while stumbling into a ravine. Luke Sinistra himself behind the wheel and looking determined. Co-driver Mark Jasper, despite being more experienced in racing, looking decidedly scared.
Another massive muscle car, Ardent Chesapeake GT Rally, starts the Trek, smoke bellowing from under the hood…
Ze organisation told me ze Ardent has no exhaust. It is for reasons.
Not sure it that is going to gain them any advantage to have the exhaust smoke coming out of literally everywhere…
What else is noticeable at the finish-line? The engine noise of the Bramble Flint , deafening when it took off, and the BM Feather sounding like an F1 car really. For a while, at least, since the BM pulled over about 500 meters further, after a bang and losing its exhaust system, with driver and co-driver getting out looking puzzled. Some repairs already seem in order…
Let’s see if anything is happening further into the sector.
…
We’re flying above the SOCAUT Pyrénées from Team Pyrénées at the moment and that engine does not sound right at times, but so far they are not slowing down. But oh, what is that in the distance near the bridge over the Zambeza-river? A three-car pile-up – I presume they did not agree on who could go on the bridge first…?
Ze cars involved look to be ze Epoch M30, ze Pengting Torra, and ze RM Skylight
It’s hard to tell from here who’s to blame, but the damage looks significant. The Epoch is on its roof, half in the water, the Penting looks like it has broken its steering and the RM is smoking from a broken radiator. At least no one looks seriously hurt from here, they are losing time shouting at each other though. Let’s hope they can get their cars on the road again.
…
In the mean time we’ve got information that the first cars are passing the first checkpoint! Alphabetically, the top ten currently exists out of:
ACA RoadCruiser 440 PI SO
Ardent Chesapeake GT Rally
Bramble Flint Chert
Bruce’s Loose Nut Jar
Keika I Safari
KMC Avventurer
Ligrani La Follia
Sinistra Savage Concept
SOCAUT Pyrénées V8
TSR Ultra Rally Safari EditionAlso from out colleagues at the check point: there’s a patch of white sand on the road next to the checkpoint and they tell is the LSV Buccaneer spun out and ended up in the ditch 200 meters before the check point, dropping down some positions.
…
Let’s fly over to the second sector, with the old volcano to be climbed by our adventurous racers. The climbing on the difficult underground is causing immediate problems for the old Bogliq, which clearly overheating. Team There and Back Again will have to stop for a while.
Ist ein Moldavian box on ze wheels. I give zem no chance for this Trek.
Now, now, Konrad that’s a bit harsh, a little bit of overheating is not the worst that can happen.
Here’s the FAAL Mesaia almost losing control, but managing to scramble back of a dangerously steep embankment. A light, and I dare-say sensible, front-wheel car.
Not like ze Sinistra.
No, Konrad, not like the Sinistra. And ooh, less luck there for the Ninomiya Evron Coupe, they seemed to have hit a rock hard which shredded a tire and threw the car on its side. I hope they can repair that without losing too much time.
A bit further the IP Brigadeer and Ponni Weekend, both briefly stopped on the side of a trail, looking for issues in the engine. It looks the Ponni at least can get going nearly immediately again, but cutting of the route of the Ferreira Family Crashing Team’s car, which clearly hit a big boulder with a bang to the underside of the car. They are not stopping, but we heard the stone upon metal even from up here.
We are close to the Lake and second checkpoint now, and there seems to have been another incident between two cars! The JHW Sparrow and the Deer And Hunt look like they’ve pushed each other off two sides of a steep embankment, both string to speed up a small trail with smoother surface. It looks like both cars have issues getting unstuck from between sharp rocks. This will not do either of them any good.
I am curious for ze standings.
So am I, Konrad! Let us hear which cars are still in the top ten! Sector 2 checkpoint, please inform.
Top ten, alphabetically, consists out of:
ACA RoadCruiser 440 PI SO
Ardent Chesapeake GT Rally
Bramble Flint Chert
Bruce’s Loose Nut Jar
Caliban Thunder ‘Scafell’
Keika I Safari
KMC Avventurer
Sinistra Savage Concept
SOCAUT Pyrénées V8
TSR Ultra Rally Safari Edition
I’M NOT LAST!
No but really I figured my car would detonate off the start or something.
A perfect summary! :3
sound of two alsacians shitting themselves almost rolling over
Top 10! There we go 
Overheard from the team camp (in a strong British accent): Penting? RM? Who are these amatures who don’t understand the rule of the road! Bah! Where has sportsmanship and honour gone to in this modern era!
Ooc: seriously, which ones are these? I can’t figure out.
RM
And Pengting.