[Conversations ranslated from Finnish to English]
Seinäjoki Speed Freaks
You have to picture this scenery. It’s the Summer of 2023, and in the outskirts of Seinäjoki, Finland, on the dirt roads, two old, 2 stroke dirt bikes seem to just be ripping it across the mud and dirt. Two teenagers, both of them wearing their helmets, with license plates nowhere to be seen, seem to just be racing each other on the tracks, while poppi wheelies, drifting their back wheel, and just having some old school fun, as it seems. At a certain point, nearing a house, the two stroke noises and obnoxious blue smoke stop, as the two bikers stop, get off their bikes, and each of them takes off their helmets.
Jani Kyllonen, 17, Student, He/Him - Gay.
Getting off of his high-end tuned moped, is Jani, the youngest of the three. He is easily recognized because of his typical risk-taker attitude, and the fact that he seems to always be holding an Euroshopper energy drink in his hand. He has blonde hair, wears glasses and loves to take risks, usually translating to running from police when on his moped, or making extremely risky moves when driving, both on the public roads (without license), or when on track or on private land. He’s the friendliest and most sociable of the three, but at the same time, often screws up even in simple situations, but he can be of helping hand if and when he wants to. His problem? He always underestimates the seriousness of situations.
Mikko Harjanne, 19, Unemployed, He/Him - Straight.
Riding a 125cc Motocross Bike, Mikko is…quite peculiar, when we’re talking about this trio. Even with his quite young age, being the son of an ex-rally driver clearly gave him some skill. He’s a focused individual, easily the best driver of the three, however, he suffers from severe anger issues, which cause him to often road rage while driving, as well as causing fist fights after a race. He used to be a street racer, racing his heavily modified Gyazu Bayview for money and pink slips. However, after getting caught by police once, he dreams of actually going legit, and he may or may not have found an occasion for him, his close friend Jani, and a friend in common, for the trio to actually go legit. He’s a heavy smoker, so you’ll often see him smoking a cigarette.
Mikko: Jani, wasn’t this friend of yours supposed to wait for us?
Jani: I don’t know? I called him-
Mikko: You called him? So where is he? Voi saatana…you made me come all the way here for nothing?
Jani: Can’t you wait for 5 seconds, dude? Also, what’s this thing you won’t tell us about that you want us to do? Didn’t you stop with street racing?
Mikko: I told you I fucking stopped! I- screw this. He starts lighting himself a cigarette. If this works, we’re going to become professionals.
Jani: Uh…Mikko? The rally is in 3 months, we can’t get a car ready in time, you know that, right?
Mikko: It’s not the fucking rally…sigh…you know Trafikjournalen?
Jani: The Swede car magazine? I fucking hate their journalist. What about it?
Mikko: They’re doing that 24 hour race in October next year. I want to win that race, that, or just place well enough to go professional.
Jani: You know me, wherever you’re going, I’m coming with you. Can I have a cigarette?
Mikko: Suksi vittuun! I know you said that just so I’d give you a cig. Just kidding, have one.
As the two are lighting their cigarettes, the door finally opens, and the third person is finally revealed.
Akseli Vanhala, 22, Mechanic, He/Him - Straight.
Akseli, even at a first glance, clearly doesn’t seem to care about his appearance in any sort of way. He’s a bit baby-faced, has short, brown hair, and is always dirty from working on cars, bikes, boats and agricultural equipment. Even at a first glance, he’s immediately noted as an introverted individual, preferring the mechanical complexity of engines to the social complexity of humans, however, he’ll talk to you if he has to. As for driving, he’s the worst of the three, being skilled, sure, but less than Jani and way less than Mikko. He compensates this with calm, and composed demeanor when driving, compared to Jani’s unpredictability and Mikko’s absolutely manic style, he tends to get back to the pits in one piece. He’s also the most skilled mechanically, able to easily diagnose problems and fix issues with the car. He also likes smoking, as well as beer and energy drinks.
Akseli: Can you not be so fucking loud? My mom’s sleeping.
Mikko: Where did you get this guy, Jani…oh, hey! Your name is?
Akseli: I’m Akseli.
Mikko: That’s it? Just Akseli? Nothing else?
Akseli: What do you want, my phone number? Want to date? Want my size as well?
Mikko: Hey! You talk to me like that one more time, I’m throwing that spanner to your face, understand? Ruskean reiän ritari…painu vittuun…
Jani: You’re getting the fucking spanner to the face you say that one more time! Ai saatana… we’re not here to argue like kids! We have something to do. Mikko?
Akseli: I’m only hanging around this guy because I’m your friend, Jani, understand?
Mikko: Sigh…you know Trafikjournalen?
Akseli: Swede car magazine? I always read it.
Mikko: Yeah, and you know that they’re organizing the 24 hour race next October?
Akseli: And let me guess…you two don’t have a car?
Jani: And that’s why we came to you. Listen, we’re making a team, we want to become professionals…and we need a mechanic. You’re the best I know.
Akseli: And what’s in it for me?
Jani: We can split the winnings! And…if we don’t win, I don’t know, we’ll have fun together? And we can all become professionals? Plus, Mikko here is the best driver I know, you’re the best mechanic I know, and…I can be team manager? I can do a bit of both too-
Mikko: Hold on, hold on, I got the idea, I’m team manager, no questions asked.
Akseli: Will you two stop it? Come with me, I’ll show you the car.
Jani, Mikko and Akseli then started walking over towards Akseli’s garage. Anxiety and excitement were in the air, as the trio was about to see what would be the car that would take them through the 2024 Trafikjournalen’s 24 Hours of Clunkers. They raised the garage door, and under the door, barely shown under a tarp, was a rusted-out, 1998 Sedlak Silva, plated XEM-384 a Czech-built sedan, what was once the cheaper alternative to the German-built 4 doors, seen as it was under the same group, now sat in a shed, ready to either die, or restart life as a budget racer.
Mikko: That? I’m going from a 700 horsepower Gyazu Bayview to that shitbox Sedlak?
Jani: Come on, it’s not like we have another choice-
Mikko: Plus! I don’t drive front-wheel drive cars, you know me. They’re just boring!
Akseli: That “shitbox” has the 1.8 Turbo engine. Plus, it’s the 4-Track model. 195hp and 4-wheel drive. It just needs some work, and we got a racer on our hands.
Mikko: It’s the 4-wheel drive? Now we’re talking…
Jani: Before we start, we need to think of a team name, you know? I still have to submit ourselves and all.
Akseli: Seinäjoki something. Since we’re all from here, apparently.
Mikko: And there needs to be something with speed in the name.
Jani: I got it! What about “Seinäjoki Speed Freaks”?
Mikko: Seinäjoki Speed Freaks…I like it, and it’s a cool name too.
Akseli: Yeah, that works. So…Seinäjoki Speed Freaks, are you ready to get to work?
Jani: Let’s do this!
Mikko: I hate manual labor…
And so, day after day, month after month, our heroes started working on the Sedlak Silva, to hopefully, first of all, get it running, then get it inspected, and then modifying it to hopefully make sure to win the race, or at least place in a decent position. It took them a few months to get the car running again, they had to rid the fuel tank of rust, get new fuel, fit a new battery and clean the injectors which were all clogged up, as well as regenerate the turbine, but this ended up getting the car running for the first time in almost 10 years. Then, just a week later, the first inspection!
Eerik the Mechanic: The car passed, barely. The emissions were right on the limit, but it looks like the car’s legal.
Then, months of thoughts went by as the trio ordered parts, as well as fitting new modifications to the car, such as a used roll cage, cheap bucket seat, cheap coilovers and used Toshikago intercooler, rally lights, cutting up the bumper to fit the intercooler, side mounted license plate, and an exhaust which was just a piece of pipe with a cheap chinese muffler welded to the stock headers. It was loud, really loud, obnoxiously loud. They also had to fit some cheap steelies with used tires on it, because the stock wheels would be smashed up by Jani driving into a ditch.
Jani: Why did we fit the rally lights again?
Mikko: It’s 24 hours, we need to see at night.
Jani: Then why did you put tape on the headlights?
Akseli: Speaking of tape, why is there tape on the front and rear bumpers, why can’t we put a quick detach?
Mikko: We have…basically no budget. Because Jani over here thought it was a good idea to drive the car in a ditch! Now we have steelies, and a smashed mirror.
Jani: At least my car was never impounded by the police!
Akseli: You need to calm down behind the wheel, Jani. Remember when you rear-ended that old lady on the highway with my van?
Jani: Uhh…why don’t we get to work again?
Jani: You know what would be funny? If I put Biltema and Euroshopper stickers on the car.
Mikko: If you’re doing that, I’m choosing the racing number.
Akseli: Please don’t tell me-
Jani: I wanted to put #69…it’s funny-
Mikko: Listen, dude. There’s a couple of guys from Austria that are using some American Cop Car to race. And they’re using #911. I know how to get them mad.
Akseli: Don’t be a kid, Mikko.
Mikko: We’re putting #1312 on the car! Imagine their faces when we pass them…
Jani: Let’s do this then!
Akseli: Why is the taillight smashed?
Mikko: Jani did it.
Jani: It wasn’t my fault! I was pushing the engine hoist and it just…impacted.
Akseli: You two are not working on one of my cars any time soon-
Akseli: Saatana!
Jani: What happened, man?
Akseli: It’s the fucking intercooler! It won’t fit whatever I do!
Jani: What’s wrong with it?
Akseli: Where did you buy this from!
Jani: It’s from a Stella SXR but I don’t know what this means-
Akseli: Of course! You got an intercooler for a totally different car! How can it fucking fit!
Jani: Oh, come on! Just cut the fucking bumper! Who cares!
Mikko: This roll cage looks like shit, why do we have to fit one?
Jani: Rules. We have to have 4 point belts and you can’t have those without a roll cage.
Mikko: I don’t know how to install a roll cage! It’s not even for this car!
Jani: Akseli went to grab beers. Just leave it here, he’ll figure it out.
Months later, just in time for the race, the car returned from a test drive, late at night.
Akseli: Where the fuck were you! It’s 2 in the morning! And how’s the car?
Mikko: I was just testing it out…man, it doesn’t beat my Bayview, but it’s a beast!
Akseli: What did you do!
Mikko: I was doing the top speed run…cops try to pull me over, man, then they start chasing me, I turn on the dirt, I fucking lose them! It’s so fast in the corners it’s crazy! Turned off the lights, they didn’t even see me!
Akseli: You…you ran from the cops with OUR CAR? WITH LICENSE PLATES?
Mikko: Calm down, girlie, I didn’t have plates when I ran. Plus, I lost them…like…20km away from here, they’re not coming, calm down.
Jani: I’m back! I brought beers.
Akseli: Mikko here just “tested” the car against the cops.
Mikko: And it works…man, this thing is gonna make us win so bad!
Jani: That’s amazing to know! Hey, here you two, have beers.
The three raise their beers to the sky
Jani: For Victory! And for the Seinäjoki Speed Freaks!
The beers clinked to each other as they had a toast for their hopeful victory. The day of the race was near, and the trio was as excited as nothing else.
Mikko: Now, we need to get the car to Sweden. We need to see the track, and hopefully meet our competitors. Especially the wannabe cops, I want to meet.
Akseli: I can tow you with my van…nevermind, it’s 4-wheel drive. Wait…I can borrow dad’s flatbed truck!
Jani: So, what’s the plan for race day?
Mikko: We do what Finns do best. Be aggressive and win.
Akseli: No. We need to save fuel, it’s 24 hours, and we must not smash the car.
Jani: You know me, just give me a pack of ES in the car, I’ll be up for 24 hours.
Mikko: Let’s fucking do this then. We’ll destroy them.
Roleplay introduction by: me, myself and I