best part: IIRC, “use like peanut butter”, frequently means a PBJ sandwich in the US. As in, Peanut Butter & Jelly.
Mmm, mmm. That Vegemite Jelly combo, amirite!?
3 Likes
I tried not to make the language it too obvious But I couldn’t pass up a chance to spoil an unwitting teams day with vegemite!
I do wonder what would happen if our team were ever to meet though probably something rather calamitous I fear 
Your piece was delightfully disastrous and especially umm…squeezing the ‘south end’ bit in as it came out in a glorious fashion! I think @DeusExMackia team may be scared for life 
2 Likes
Fair warning: I have something much worse lined up for any team I catch up to on the road, and we’re gonna be driving hella fast for the next while 
2 Likes
Well if Sam ever gets behind the wheel again he’ll ring out that Maesima for all it’s got trying to chase down Kai!
But I’m looking forward to the next misfortune of Team Flaming Fart Cannon.
1 Like
team 1'); drop table participants; --
Introduction | PreviouslySaturday, 5am-8am
Clocks ticks to 5:00am
BOTH : BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Turns to each other while still screaming and panicking
Da Wei: GRAB IT DAMMIT!!!
Frank: still screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!
Then both tries to grab the alarm placed on the dashboard, and both their arms hit the clock at the same time, which knocked the already unsteady shaking alarm clock to fell down beneath the driver’s seat while Da Wei fails multiple times trying to catch it on fall
BOTH: OH FUCK!
Da Wei: I CAN’T GRAB IT, THIS BLANKET IS IN THE WAY
Frank : GET OUT AND GRAB IT THEN!
The door is opened, letting the already loud noise in the car, louder, and in the process, wakes several nearby teams up, and sort of a calling to the park ranger that was not that far away.
Da Wei tries to get out of the car, tripped on his blanket while doing so, resulting in a headbutt against the door’s armrest and a faceplant to the grass
Da Wei: BAAAAAGHMMMMMMMHHH! Pushes himself up BWAAH!
Da Wei scraped the dirt that got stuck on his face off with his bare hand, threw away the blanket aside, and grabbed the alarm that got stuck under the driver’s seat and turned it off. But still on his knees.
Da Wei : well. That’s one hell of a wake up call.
Frank: it sure fucki………
Park Ranger : Excuse me gentlemen
Both turned their heads to the source of the foreign sound while being a bit confused. The second the 2 of them realised who this person coming to them was. They both whispered at the same time
Both: oh shit………
The ranger that came to them was a REALLY chappy one. He gave the 2 of them a NICE and LONG Speech for about 30 minutes before they were given a $200 fine at the end.
Da Wei : i’ve got to say 2 things. 1, your concoction actually worked. Too well. 2, we got a real wake up call, and then a WAKE UP CALL. great way to wake up. Well okay 3. He really could’ve just give a warning and the fine and save us the speech. Now we’re totally late, and my our plan to get out of here sooner than the other teams are ruined. And blablablablablabla….
Frank: Okok. Enough. I think we got everything, let’s go. Thankfully we’re only a few minutes behind this time, we can easily make that up.
Da Wei : Ok then. How many cops do you think are on the road at just after 6 am?
Frank: Not too many but I wouldn’t bet on it. Also, I don’t really want to get another ticket. This trip gets pretty expensive at that rate it’s been going so far.
Da Wei : arrgghhhhh fine. After being left behind yesterday, i just wanna. You know be ahead for a change.
Frank: I think we’re doing well. There’s some teams still sleeping. Only ones I saw leaving were those we’ve woken up. The Aussies in that old wagon, the cops that got that Italian with them this time, those two guys in that yellow coupe … oh, and South End or Bust are on the road as well.
Da Wei : anyway. Since we’re a bit early, wanna grab a breakfast to eat on the road first?
Frank: Yes. I’ll grab something while you handle the checkout.
Da Wei: okay then
Da Wei walked towards the car, get into the car. Started it up. Then reversed the car a whole 50m south heading, or rather butt-heading the car to the checkout stand, just because it’s still morning, he’s still a bit groggy and was too lazy to walk. Confusing Frank in the process
About 7:30am, several miles past Tillamook. A yellow coupe can be seen ahead, other than that there’s not a single car on the road.
Frank: Grabs the alarm, points at the car ahead You think what I think? Let’s have some fun with them, hehe.
Drops to 3rd gear
Da Wei : ready to go! Just give me the go
Frank: Winds down passenger window Go!
Foot Flat to the floor. Going to the side of their car as close as he dared to go at speed. Car roaring as loud as it would
Da Wei : MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
As soon as @ramthecowy and Nomade look over to the side, Frank shows them the school bell alarm and lets it go off.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7610NM5I0Y
While Frank is bursting in laughter, Da Wei gives the car everything to pull ahead of the yellow Gamma coupe. Frank disables the alarm. And the the Cowys team’s car wobbbled about a bit.
Frank: Haha. We really should do that more often.
Da Wei : yes. But not TOO often. We’re totally gonna get some revenge paid back at some point later on
Frank: You’re right. This alarm clock thing already backfired once. You gotta admit it was damn funny though.
Da Wei : can’t deny that. Hahaha. Okay i think we’re far ahead enough. Gonna go back to speed limit now.
Morale: +1 (+5 total)
Fatigue: +0 (+4 total)
8 Likes
Team: Clutch Droppers
Day 2: 12-7am
The entire team is completely out of it, not even the sounds of slot machines and parties could awaken us from our slumber
Day 2: 7-8am
At 7am sharp the hotel room’s phone began ringing. After about 6 rings the noise had finally begun to rouse us from our sleep, Ryan answered the phone, not remembering where we were
Ryan: What’s up?
Phone: Um… good morning sir, this is your 7am wake-up call.
Ryan: Wake-up call? What? I think you have the wrong number… goodbye…
Bob: A little more awake than the other two thanks to the two-hour nap the previous night Why did you say they had the wrong number?
Ryan: Bob… why are you at my house???
Bob: Ryan… we are at a hotel…
Ryan: O, god?? Why??? Did we… do something… I CAN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING!!!
The gears is Ryan’s head slowly start to churn for the day
Ryan: O… right, the race! Now I remember… god… I need coffee.
Jason: Awoken by the comotion Why are you yelling, it’s too early to yell, or be awake.
Bob: Come on guys, we need to get some food and get back on the road. The longer we laze around here the less of a gap we will have on the other teams.
Bob starts shoving Ryan towards the bathroom
Bob: Get in there and get ready for the day… and be quick about it! I am going to get some food while you two get it together.
Bob hurries downstairs to the breakfast buffet, loading up three plates with everything he can get his hands on, waffles, pancakes, sausage, bacon, eggs, fruit, yogurt, and even a couple cereal bowls carefully balanced on top. Balancing the food was much harder than anticipated, but Bob very slowly made his way back to their room. After kicking the door hard a few times, Ryan finally opened it for Bob, whom quickly ran in and set the food down just before he lost it all over the floor.
Ryan: Wow, did you get enough food??
Bob: I didn’t know what all you guys wanted so I grabbed everything.
Ryan: Well, at least it looks pretty good. I have a pot of coffee over there if you want any.
Bob: Coffee is disgusting, I’ll just stick with some milk.
Jason: Coming out of the bathroom Damn, what smells so good? Seeing the food, he runs over and starts immediately eating the pancakes These are amazing!
Bob: You can slow down and actually chew, you know…
Jason: I feel like I haven’t eaten in years, give me your pancakes!
For the next few minutes there was a fight over the remaining pancakes. After everyone had a number of fork wounds, and the pancakes had been thoroughly destroyed, they quietly ate the rest of their food.
Ryan: Well at least the coffee wasn’t too awful, I guess I am ready to go now.
Bob: Alright, let me take my shower now that you two are done, I’ll just be a moment.
After everyone was ready for the day, we packed up the few things we had brought into the hotel with us and headed downstairs to get the car back from the valet. Handing the key tag to the valet, he flashed a worrying expression before disappearing into the car lot.
Bob: Did you guys get a weird vibe from that guy?
Jason: It’s too early to feel anything…
Ryan: No…
Just then the valet came around the corner with our car… but he was driving it the wrong way through the one-one hotel entrance area. Strange. Bob began to walk around the far side of the car when the valet suddenly jumped out of the car and rushed to intercept him.
Valet: Sir, sir, I am so sorry, I do not know what happened to your car. I swear it was in perfect condition when I parked it last night. I think someone tried to park an SUV next your vehicle and caused some minor damage to the paint…
Bob: Skips around the valet to see what he was trying to hide, the entire passenger’s side of the car had a long scrape across it, almost from the bottom of the door to the window, closely resembling an impact along a guardrail. Luckily the damage only seemed to be cosmetic, but it set Bob off WHAT THE ABSOLUTELY BLOODY HELL HAPPENED!!?!!?
Valet: As I said sir, I do not know, it was fine until I checked it this morning.
Bob: Jumps in the still running car and checks the odometer. Someone drove our car last night, there are almost 50 more miles on it than when we came in. I always check the odometer before handing the car to a valet… Who the hell was on duty last night, their ass is mine!
Ryan: I want to wring their neck too, but we are slowly losing our advantage from last night, we need to get on the road. We will have to come back when the race is over.
Bob: Fuming FINE, but you can bet your ass we will be back!
Bob slams the car into drive just as Ryan and Jason are closing their doors, but holds the brakes hard while flooring it, producing a huge cloud of tire smoke engulfing the valet. Releasing the brakes the car does a long burnout out of the hotel entrance area and around to the main road. As we pull onto the highway, massive smoke cloud clearing behind us, Jason pulls out his trusty 3DS and Ryan pops on some music
Morale: +9 (Morale decreased from damaged car, but overall increase because we are in the lead!)
Fatigue: +3 (Complete unconsciousness for 7 hours, seems good enough)
5 Likes
That’s… uh… an interesting choice of music for first thing in the morning 
1 Like
On the afternoon of day 1, not much happened. The pair basically just pushed on, and tried to catch the weird Corolla… thing, to little success.
Now, the plan for day 2 is to be well rested, and push as hard as we can without braking the car.
##Team Artiseros
#7am - 8 am
After delightful rest,they woke up at 7am to start an all new morning
*trio wakes up*
Ernie:yawns It’s time to go!
So the trio cleaned up their mess from yesterday in the car and packed up till 8am
##Overall Stats
Fatigue : -4 (feeling refreshed)
Morale: 16
4 Likes
Team Mountain Pass
Saturday, day two, 8:00AM local time
Hey folks, Andrew here!
Kyle did a great job of driving all of day one and he’s also done a stellar job polishing this turd of a USDM Bogliq ex-taxi. Once we set up camp last night and hit the hay, we all slept well, even Pierre! Pierre was grumbling that we camped rather than used a hotel but I think Kyle made the right call. We had the Bogliq loaded and ready for action to start at eight and the crisp, cool morning air has given me the desire to push this ole gramp-mobile to its limits! I saw (and heard) the rude gestures made by Team Fart Cannon when they passed us on day one so my plan is that I’m going to do the pit maneuver on them… The Bogliq is sized like a cop car so why not act like one!
When Kyle handed me the keys this morning he mumbled something about the front brakes being dicey but I’m not too worried since we’ll only be driving the car another couple of days and then Kyle can replace the front pads and rotors ready for the 24hrs of LeMons later on in the year…
Distance travelled (this session): None
Distance travelled (so far): 390 Miles
Morale +5 (+13 total): looking forward to (literally) reversing Team Fart Cannon’s fortunes!
Fatigue -13 (0 total): Refreshed and rearing to go!!! (Maybe I’ll paint flames on the Bogliq once I claim my scalp!)
5 Likes
COME AT US BRO 
2 Likes
Run rabbit, run rabbit, run, run, run… 
1 Like
We’ll be running, but if you catch us, I’ll have something for you muahahahahahahaha
2 Likes
TEAM OUTRIDERS
(At a local coffee stand)
Marc: (hits horn) Come on you d*** bitch! You just had coffee this morning!
Luigi: A cup, I need more than that.
Marc: You drink too much and you’ll be shitting your brains out, and how do you think that’ll affect our progress?
Luigi: Two, not eight. I made that mistake once.
Blake: How much?
Luigi: For you, nothing, for Marc, $10.
Marc: How about you suck it out of my…
Blake: Okay, let’s get a move on.
(The Enforcer continues her glorious journey)
Marc: My God you are driving so SLOW!
Luigi: We’re making great time.
Marc: Great time if we were heading for Country Kitchen Buffet, or to a Bingo hall. Come on, get your Depends untwisted and hit that pedal!
Luigi: You know what your problem is? You’re too stressed. No wonder your people often have heart attacks and strokes, you gotta chill.
Marc: The universe wasn’t formed because matter was “chill”, The universe wasn’t formed because matter was “laid back”, It happened because of energy. Case and point, step on it!
Blake: It’s Luigi’s turn to drive, if you don’t like it, get back to your book.
Marc: Easy for you to say, this ****sucker aims for every bump on the road, it’s kind of hard to read anything.
Luigi: Uh oh.
Blake: What is it?
Luigi: I gotta take a piss.
Marc: I knew it, that’s because you drank too much coffee you dumb w**!
Luigi: I didn’t hear you complaining about yours!
Marc: Granted, it was strong and delicious, but it defeats the purpose if we gotta stop and pee every 15 minutes.
(After a stop at a rest area and three emptied bladders and some insults hurled around later, the team is back on the road.)
Luigi: Let’s get some tunes rocking.
Marc: Ooh, I love this song.
Luigi: You would.
Marc: Hey, they had a Catholic and a Lutheran too.
Blake: Why didn’t I take a tape recorder? It could be published as the dictionary of Theological trash talk.
Marc: All that aside, next stop I’m taking over. Remember this is a race of sorts, and we need someone with cop training behind the wheel.
Blake: Suit yourself, (sip) Damn this stuff is strong.
5 Likes
Legend of Terms:
TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.
Saturday, 8am - 10am
Weather Conditions: 52 degrees. Mostly cloudy. Pavement is now dry.
All vehicles are on US101 South.
Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Tillamook Cheese Factory, Oregon Coast Aquarium. Any POI you can find/message me about between Newport, OR and Eureka, CA.
Next Waypoint(s): Seal Rock, OR. Bullards Beach, OR.
VicVictory:
TBDC: 111 mi OD: 494 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Fort Stevens State Park.
@yurimacs
TBDC: 102 mi OD: 495 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None
@Fayeding_Spray
TBDC: 103 mi OD: 603 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.
@Madrias
TBDC: 67 mi OD: 460 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: Team backtracked, and spent 30 minutes at NAPA auto getting new rotors and pads for all 4 corners.
@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 119 mi OD: 605 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.
@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 61 mi OD: 454 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.
@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 117 mi OD: 552 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.
@Mikonp7
TBDC: 109 mi OD: 502 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.
@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 81 mi OD: 572 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has stopped at Sea Lion Caves for 30 minute rest.
@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 112 mi OD: 581 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock
@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 116 mi OD: 509 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None
@strop
TBDC: 114 mi OD: 568 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock
@stm316
TBDC: 83 mi OD: 550 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint complete: Seal Rock. Team has stopped for 30 minutes at the Oregon Coast Aquarium.
@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 112 mi OD: 505 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.
@abg7
TBDC: 105 mi OD: 498 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.
@rileybanks
TBDC: 118 mi OD: 511 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.
@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 99 mi OD: 598 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has refueled in Newport, OR.
@Rk38
TBDC: 41 mi OD: 424 mi MRL: -4 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Fort Stevens State Park. Maesima was misfiring all morning. It came to a sputtering stop just after completing the waypoint. Diagnosis: Bad ignition coil. Part was among the spares being carried, but it took almost 90 minutes to diagnose and replace.
@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 110 mi OD: 608 mi MRL:+1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has refueled in Waldport, OR.
@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 101 mi OD: 494 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +0 Notes: None.
The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:
Ardent, DMV (494 miles)
Team Greasy Lightning
(no witty banter tonight, it’s been too long of a day. I’ll just give the cliff notes on the haps and the feels)
Rick: Wondering if Fuzz had forgotten about his threat to make Rick suffer musically. And certainly not going to remind him.
Jen: doing Sudoku in the back seat, biding her time until she drives. Ignoring her brother’s bellyaching.
Fuzz: Lamenting that they didn’t get to stop at the cheese factory. Because cheese would be awesome for a snack.
Rick: also wishing he had stopped at the cheese factory, so Fuzz would shut up.
4 Likes
FYI, this should have been 8-10am, you already did 6-8am.
Team: Clutch Droppers
Day 2: 8-10am
After leaving the hotel, Bob was in a foul mood, but the excellent music choices from Ryan and Jason held bring him back around. Roughly an hour and a half after they left the hotel the team was still feeling a bit fatigued and decided to make a short stop at Seal Rock to stretch their legs.
Bob: It’s a bit too chilly to enjoy the beach, but I really want to stretch my legs. They are really cramped from how I slept last night.
Jason: Sounds good, my legs are a bit cramped as well, plus I am really craving some Mountain Dew.
Ryan: I think I’ll get out some of the jerky while we are stopped.
Just after the three of us had gotten out of the car and started down the hill to the beach five cars raced past on the highway. It had to be some of the other teams.
Bob: Holly crap, how did they already catch us!? They must have left at like 5am and driven like mad. Looks like we will be driving for a long time today if we want to catch them.
Jason: I think if we take turns driving and make sure to take some actual rest stops today we will be able to drive a lot longer.
Ryan: Yeah, we are gonna have to run hard to catch back up, they looked like they were flying along pretty good.
Bob: I’m going to take a few pictures, this beach is nice.
Ryan: Alright, but don’t take too long, we can’t let them keep putting distance between us.
Bob took a few pictures before they jumped back in the car and headed off to try and catch back up to the cars that had passed them
Morale: +11 (A nice rest and jerky/Mountain Dew break really helped morale)
Fatigue: +2 (A nice half-hour stop to rest a bit more was a good call)
4 Likes
I knew i was missing something…
Team Bamford
Phillip seemed to be in a great hurry when he was given command of the Bamford as he threw the big car around as fast as it’s little engine could push it.
“What’s the rush?” asked Simon who had taken shotgun-map-reader.
“I have to be somewhere fast and we don’t have the time to stop”
“This is strange” put in Jason “Are we taking this race seriously now?”
“Yes” replied Phil
They had been driving for a while before a massive factory came into view.
“Simon, what’s that place?” asked Ken
“It’s a cheese factory” replied Simon
The red Bamford slid into the car park with violent fury as Phil leapt from the car whilst pulling the handbrake on.
“BE RIGHT BACK!” he yelled as he ran towards the small cafe.
Phil raced into the cafe, only pausing to read the “No Horses” sign hastily taped to the front door.
As the trio in the car were discussing the logistics of a cheese factory and wondering how they were able to afford such a big factory, Phil came running back, he leapt into the drivers seat, threw his seatbelt on whilst putting the car in drive and as the sluggish gears locked into place, down went the handbrake and the Bamford was moving again.
“I bought some good cheeses” panted Phil
Ken opened the bag as it was passed to him, inside was 6 blocks of orange cheese.
“When in Rome, do as the Romans do!” smiled Phil
“Are you telling me that you almost killed us so you could buy some American cheese?” asked Ken
“Totally worth it”
And soon the car was back onto the highway and heading towards Seal Rock
6 Likes
Team Twin-Snail
With the plan to backtrack set in stone, Luke threw the heavy steel Minerva out of the parking area at Fort Stevens State Park and headed 10 miles back toward the NAPA auto parts store they’d set as the waypoint on their map. On the way there, the conversation was simple and car related, with the big argument being to turbocharge or not. Linda and Amy were strongly in favor of adding boost, Luke was firmly against potentially blowing up their engine, and Scott was concerned that additional boost might hurt the Minerva’s 5 speed automatic.
“No, seriously, this is one of the first 5 speeds, and it’s one of the first fully-electronically-controlled automatic transmissions. You increase the power and something’s going to break.” Scott said.
“Yeah, but we’re so far behind right now that it’s not even funny.” Amy said. “If we had a turbo, we’d be faster.”
“Plus, turbochargers are cool. We’d get off the line quicker.” Linda said.
“We have an automatic in a car from 1998 with a 3.6 liter engine built to run on regular unleaded fuel. If we turbocharge the engine, we’ll be increasing the stresses on an engine that was never built to handle boost, and we have low-friction cast pistons in there. The answer is, shall always be, and has always been no!” Luke said. “Plus, if you think we’re that far behind, I’ll put my foot to the floor and you can pay the speeding tickets.”
–
They arrived at NAPA rather quickly and spent the better part of 30 minutes waiting for the guy to find some compatible rotors and pads.
“Well, I couldn’t find any for a 1998 Minerva Midnight, but I know that the 1996 to 2003 Minerva Midnights used the same brake rotors and pads. And if you guys were really desperate, the '86 to '95 Midnights had similar rotors, but solid, not vented. So these parts are for the 2002 Minerva Midnight, but they’ll fit. I used 'em on my '87.” the guy said, putting some boxes up on the counter. Luke paid for the parts, and they were back on their way.
“Cheese or fish?” Luke asked as they headed to the car.
“What?” Amy asked.
“Which would you rather deal with while I’m fixing the car, a cheese factory or an aquarium?”
“Um… Fish, I think. Cheese makes me fart.” Amy said, as they got into the car.
–
Luke made up time by burying the gas in the firewall, making the old Minerva roar as he aimed for the mythical triple-digit-speeds. Amy kept looking at the dash as the car wound out in third gear, then started climbing in fourth. The car started to shudder and shake as it was now painfully obvious that the wheels were not balanced well enough for 100, let alone the 130+ mile per hour top speed. However, Luke kept trying to make up time, and after driving for two hours, had covered 67 miles despite a 10 mile setback and 30 minutes buying parts.
Aftermath:
Car still needs the brakes to be installed, but that’s planned now.
Team is happy to be on the road again.
MRL: +13 (No Change) - Still feeling lucky.
FTG: -3 (No Change) - Not road weary yet.
6 Likes