I apologise to any other cheese eating horses out there.
3 Likes
Team BAGS
Brian’s notes for this leg:
The drive from Fort Stevens to Seal Rock has been uneventful so far, especially considering that the roads are now dry. Nothing has gone wrong, but nothing exciting has happened either. We will soon stop at the Oregon Coast Aquarium for rest and relaxation en route before resuming our drive south.
We have heard rumors that several other teams have already reached Seal Rock, but catching up to them right now would be overambitious, not to mention potentially dangerous, especially since we entered just to finish and not to win outright.
And while changing radio stations for the umpteenth time, we came upon this song and immediately stopped channel-hopping:
Just by listening to it, we were inspired to make it to the end - or at least get as close to it as we could, especially after our decision to adopt a more aggressive strategy earlier on.
3 Likes
Team Mountain Pass
Saturday, Day two, 8 - 10am
Right on 8am I roared out of the state park, redlining the wheezy Bogliq Alpha iron-block for all it was worth. Kyle was limited in his budget, sure, but why an ex-taxi? The retail market Ambassador has a larger, revvier, aluminium engine and has lots more POWAAAHHH!!! But, when life gives you lemons, throw 'em at your competitors!
Kyle has chosen to stretch out in the back seat so Pierre is taking up smokey-spotting duties. All I care about is wiping that cheese eating grin off of Team Shitbox’s face!!!
After two hours of hammer-time, we’re making progress and I’m soo glad this car’s a manual because highway driving LITERALLY sends me to sleep if I’m in an auto…
Distance travelled (this session): 116 miles
Distance travelled (so far): 506 miles
Morale +0 (+13 total): Pierre and Kyle think that Andrew may be possessed by a vengeance demon! 
Fatigue +0 (0 total): Refreshed after a restful sleep; a new day brings new possibilities!
6 Likes
TEAM OUTRIDERS
Luigi: WHOA GOD YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!
Marc: Ha ha ha! No such thing!
Blake: It does seem a bit extreme.
(All of a sudden, Marc slows the car down to the speed limit.)
Blake: Why’d you slow down?
Marc: (points) Because of that.
Luigi: How did you know a State Trooper would be sitting there?
Marc: Comes with being a cop, you tend to develop an instinct on where they’ll set up to catch speeders.
Luigi: Never ceases to amaze me.
Marc: Let’s see what’s on the radio.
Radio: …rently 52 degrees outside, mostly cloudy. The roads should be dry now after…/…erts estimate the value of the missing painting to be worth 18 million. And in other news today, automotive pioneer and co-founder of Petoskey Motors Alistair Ventnor celebrates his 100th birthday today. He plans on taking a new Ventnor Bambino for a run on the track to celebrate. On a related note Eleanor Ventnor, Alistair’s daughter and current owner of Petoskey Motors ZLC made an announcement during a public forum commemorating her father’s 100th birthday. It was there that she revealed a secret project. One so confidential that a large part of developing the Bambino supercar was used as a smokescreen for this new project. “The development of the Bambino served two purposes. One was to produce a supercar of unparalleled quality that could be easily used as a daily driver. The other was to divert public attention from our newest project. Something I wanted to do in honor of my father’s 100th birthday. Without further ado, I present to you the new Ventnor Amindre! (applause)” Ventnor claims the car is capable of reaching a top speed of over 280 miles per hour. Prices are expected in the half million dollar range.
Marc: Damn! That thing must be a beast.
Luigi: Probably cost you a fortune in gas.
Blake: Just two weeks ago they were announcing the Meteor IX-4 capable of 260 mph. It’s as if the company competes against itself.
Marc: Well, a Petoskey Meteor is far more affordable than a Ventnor Bambino, or this Amindre.
Luigi: Looks like their Advanced Design Initiative is really paying off.
Radio: We now present this classic from Henry Mancini:
6 Likes
We’ll catch up with 8-10 later today
05:00
Ram
“Fy faen!!!”, I spat after being woke up by a colossal din. I looked to my side, but Nomade was still asleep as if nothing was going on. “Hey, Nomade…”
No answer.
“Hey!”, I called again, and he stirred. “Whaaat…?”
“Aren’t you being annoyed by this alarm noise?”, I said with a face of indignation.
“I am, now, thanks for for waking me.”, he mumbled a little annoyed and pulled the covers over his head. Well it was still early, it would probably be a good idea to head out and grab a few little odds and ends to munch in the car on the move. If I remembered correctly there was a Mini Mart down there, around a 6km round trip so that would have to be my morning jog. In there I decided to grab some smoothies, a yoghurt+cereal thing, some fruit, some snack bars and a trail mix bag. By the time I was back, there was still little activity in the camp, just some shouting in the direction of where the alarm had gone off. Nomade had woken up, so we decided to roll up the sleeping bags, stuff it in the back and hit the road.
Nomade
It was just a leisurely cruise for the most part but we were pushing harder to try to be at the head of the competition for once but everything was calm. I tossed Ram my phone and told him to put on a a Brazillian masterpiece that wasn’t really famous in Brazil for some reason:
After a while I saw a white speck in the mirror growing… getting close, closer, really close… and they passed us. But they didn’t just overtake us, they were the bastards with that annoying alarm - they just had to ring that blasted contraption as they passed on our left side!
“dra meg baklengs inn i fuglekassa!” Ram shouted, really pissed off, drawing into a string of some more incomprehensible Norwegian. “Jævle drittsekker… hva gjør de?” And he looked to me, but I wasn’t angry, I was grinning and started to laugh. “Don’t worry my friend, I have a little surprise for them. You see this little button under the dash? I wired up a little flap in the exhaust to a motor that’ll bypass the mufflers. I thought it would be good to use it inside the tunnels, but I think it will be really useful as a revenge now.”
Ram
We held our pace, awaiting the moment to strike when we finally starting seeing that white sedan again. We started to smile, we could barely hold ourselves!
We put our fingers in our ears and Nomade already had his finger on the button. “Ready?”
“Oh yeah!”, Nomade answered enthusiastically. We started to pull up alongside the two inside the white sedan, going as close as possible (remember that I used to rally and Nomade to street race? So, yeah, it was really close), when we were right by their side we hit the button, hit the clutch and floored it for an entire second! Then Nomade dumped the clutch and passed them, tyres squealing, hitting their side mirror with ours.
“Hope this will teach these two a lesson!” I said barely able to speak in between my teary laughter
“This or you can prepare for a race!”, Nomad said triumphantly and floored it again. We left them behind.
8 Likes
Team ‘Routed…’
Things weren’t exactly looking good for the team. As the saw the last of the other teams drive past them broken down on the road. It was the first time the Maesima had failed them yet. The day had started well enough some slick and damp still on the roads but no issues.
But not long after passing the waypoint. The fuel economy was looking far too low. So after a quick fuel stop, it had trouble starting and then began misfiring badly. Dan was driving when it happened and while everyone’s initial thought was to blame him. Because of his irrational disrespect of the brand. Plus being a Saminda owner didn’t help either.
Still, Dan thought. It was curious that the troubles began not long after meeting up with Team Greasy Lightning. They seemed nice enough though. Surely they weren’t secretly controlling this whole race? Nah, impossible Dan shrugged it off. Must have been bad luck. After all, that team was barely able to get out of bed let alone manage anything as devious as all that.
Mitch quickly took control. They pushed it off from petrol station pump off to a park nearby small garage. As they begin to diagnose the issue. They let the NL-992 run for about 30 minutes. As Sam and Dan frantically checked online to help discover the issue. But Mitch just then gently wrapped the module with the head of a screwdriver. The Maesima engine died, and he knew it was probably the ignition coil.
“Thank f%#K for that!” Mitch said relieved.
“What is it?” Dan asked checking the time.
"Have you fixed it? Sam added looking up from his phone.
“No, but I think I know what it is…” Mitch paused to wipe his brow “It looks like a buggered up ignition coil.” He said, “But thankfully I’ve got some spare.” Mitch added with a grin.
“Is that a big job?” Dan asked.
“Well depends…” Mitch replied trailing off.
After a further hour of grubby but fairly straightforward work. Mitch had removed the faulty part and installed a crisp new one. Now all that remained was to turn it over and see if all the hard work had paid off. Mitch made his way to the driver’s seat and twisted the ignition and it the V6 once again soared into life. Free of any misfiring or stuttering.
Sam had long since used up his phone’s battery life and was eager to move on. While Dan was just glad to be moving on. Once again team routed…nearly were, still, they were back in the game once again. But they had a lot of time to catching up to do with every team well ahead of them. All the well resting and high mood gained during the pitstop were long gone.
Everyone was feeling a bit miserable. Sam was passed out in the backseat and Mitch was half asleep in the front seat. Dan has left the driver again. Trying desperately to both obey the laws. While also driving as fast as possible watching for any sight of another team up ahead.
7 Likes
Team Mr. Hankey
Saturday 6-8 AM
Wookiee: 97 cents. Per Litre. 97. Are you sure?
Bill: That’s what’s on the docket…well, that’s what it works out to. And apparently that’s the average price around here. As in, this whole state.
Wookiee: I’ve heard these seppo’s complain that they pay too much for petrol. What the hell is wrong with these people?
Bill: Really? Seppo’s? You’re in their country, try not being… for want of a better word… “racist” here.
Wookiee: It’s not racist, it’s derogatory.
Bill: Whatever.
Toni: Their chocolate selection is utter crap. No Kit-Kat’s, and they’d never heard of a Polly Waffle. This place sucks.
Bill: I’d kill for a four’n’20. Serious time, that noise isn’t going to leave us stranded anywhere?
Toni: Lifter noise won’t kill a car quickly. I once ran a Mk II Escort for a whole year without any real problem. It’s just an adjustment. Don’t worry.
Bill: Then I suppose we’ll hit the road. Next stop, giant fish tank!..340km away.
6 Likes
… and shortly thereafter Dan was “accidentally” struck by lightning… 
5 Likes
Legend of Terms:
TBDC: Time Block Distance Covered. This is the amount of mileage covered during the current 2 hour period.
ODC: Overall Distance Covered. This is the total distance that the team has covered since Noon on Friday
MRL: Morale modifier
FTG: Fatigue Level
Notes: Any notes I have for your team during this time block. Including POI results, car issues, etc.
Saturday, 10am - noon
Weather Conditions: 60 degrees. Partly cloudy. Traffic on the highway is picking up; it’s a lovely weekend day.
All vehicles are on US101 South.
Upcoming POI (optional, let me know if you want to stop at them for rest/sightseeing): Any POI you can find/message me about between Coos Bay, OR and Eureka, CA.
Next Waypoint(s): Seal Rock, OR. Bullards Beach, OR, Humboldt Botanical Garden, Eureka, CA.
VicVictory:
TBDC: 105 mi OD: 599 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.
@yurimacs
TBDC: 84 mi OD: 589 mi MRL: -4 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. For much of the 11 am hour, the Zast has been growing increasingly loud and losing power. It has finally given up the ghost at approximately 589 miles, along the shores of Woahink Lake, south of Florence, OR. Diagnosis: exhaust manifold/gasket failure. Overall morale at end: +8 (good)
@Fayeding_Spray
TBDC: 103 mi OD: 706 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullards Beach. Team has refueled in Coos Bay, OR.
@Madrias
TBDC: 67 mi OD: 527 mi MRL: +2 FTG: +1 Notes: Team is stopping for 1 hour at the aquarium to rest, sightsee, and repair brakes. This hour will bleed into the beginning of next time period, as they arrived at roughly 1130a.
@BobLoblaw
TBDC: 106 mi OD: 711 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach. Team has refueled in Coos Bay, OR.
@CriticalSet9849
TBDC: 112 mi OD: 566 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +3 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.
@BailsMackenzie
TBDC: 98 mi OD: 650 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullards Beach. Somewhat frustration section for this team, as they were stuck behind slow traffic and couldn’t time their moves correctly to get around them for quite some time.
@Mikonp7
TBDC: 35 mi OD: 537 mi MRL: -9 FTG: +4 Notes: Team was pulled over by Oregon State Police as they entered Newport, OR, and a full felony stop was completed. The team is sitting in cuffs in the back of a squad car, trying to figure out exactly why they are under arrest for Grand Theft Auto… (Other teams: this was his idea for a “defect” with his car, not mine… but I thought it was interesting and let him roll with it). Morale at the end: +3 (alright)
@TheBobWiley
TBDC: 78 mi OD: 650 mi MRL: +2 FTG: -1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach. Team has stopped at Bandon, OR for lunch, fuel, and rest.
@DeusExMackia
TBDC: 46 mi OD: 627 mi MRL: -5 FTG: +3 Notes: Flickering dash lights have come back/become more noticeable. When they stopped for fuel in Coos Bay, the car died. The alternator has failed, and repairs will bleed over into the next time period. A replacement was not among the spares, but fortunately the NAPA in Coos Bay had one in stock.
@HighOctaneLove
TBDC: 119 mi OD: 628 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Refueled in Coos Bay, OR.
@strop
TBDC: 116 mi OD: 684 mi MRL: -1 FTG: +3 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach.
Refueled in Coos Bay, OR. Took a while to figure out that the creaking/popping noise that can now be heard when going over bumps is NOT from Strop’s “south end”, but rather the car’s suspension. Also lactose intolerant horse farts smell bad.
@stm316
TBDC: 110 mi OD: 660 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint complete: Bullards Beach. Refueled in Coos Bay, OR. Lifter tick seems to be getting worse.
@JohnWaldock / @Sillyducky
TBDC: 107 mi OD: 612 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.
@abg7
TBDC: 82 mi OD: 580 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +0 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has stopped at Oregon Coast Aquarium for rest.
@rileybanks
TBDC: 120 mi OD: 631 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock. Team has refueled in Coos Bay, OR.
@koolkei / @FrankNSTein
TBDC: 122 mi OD: 720 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullard Beach. Team is starting to feel fatigued.
@Rk38
TBDC: 111 mi OD: 535 mi MRL: +0 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock (exactly at noon, no less)
@Nomade0013 / @ramthecowy
TBDC: 121 mi OD: 729 mi MRL:+1 FTG: +2 Notes: Waypoint completed: Bullards Beach.
@SkylineFTW97
TBDC: 113 mi OD: 607 mi MRL: +1 FTG: +1 Notes: Waypoint completed: Seal Rock.
The following cars are within visual range or in a pack:
IA Advance, BIL Standard (650 miles)
Team Greasy Lightning
“Here you go, Jen,” Fuzz tapped on her shoulder with a cold bottle of water.
“Thanks,” she said, grabbing it over her shoulder with one hand while keeping eyes on the road and her other hand on the wheel.
The air smelled of pungent ocean tang, the salt almost palpabale. Her hair danced in the turbulent air flowing through the rolled-down windows. By her side, her husband cracked jokes and fiddled with the playlist on his phone, as Fuzz doled out pouches of trail mix, beef jerky, and fruit for lunch from the back. Everything in the moment was so perfect. So her laughter and constant smile were well warranted. This was everything she could have hoped for on this trip.
“Here we go!” Rick grinned. “A little motivational music!”
Greasy Lightning - Motivational Music
“Aww yeah!” Fuzz whooped from the back as soon as the music started. “That’s what I’m talking about!”
Jen immediately found herself tapping the steering wheel and nodding her head along to the beat, her smile growing even wider than she thought possible.
— *** — *** — ***
“Nice pass, Jen!” Rick smiled.
The small purple Zast convertible shrank to a dot in the rearview mirror in mere seconds.
“Guys, I don’t think they’re running really good,” Fuzz added, looking back through the rear hatch. “I think I saw it smoking, and it wasn’t going very fast.”
Jen shook her head. “Man. That’s a shame for them. I hope they can fix whatever is wrong…”
7 Likes
#Team ‘Southend or Bust’
Original Post - Previous Post
The story so far: Having made excellent progress since the cheese factory incident, our three boys have piloted the trusty Merna down the Pacific coast. It’s all about to go wrong though…
“I think this might be the most amazing road ever” said Seb, staring out to the Pacific. The US101 had turned out to be a fantastic stretch of tarmac to drive down.
“Agreed” said Martin, taking in the late spring sun. “Honestly though, I think there are other cars I’d rather be in doing this”.
“Oooh yeah” said Seb, smiling. “I reckon a 1980s Zavir Aera would be fantastic”
“What? Something that old?” replied Martin. “Has to be something newer. A Himmel E.O., for sure. Targa top version”
James joined in, having seemed to have gotten over his grump. “Assoluto Infinito, anyday. Proper GT car for a GT road”
“A GT road eh?” mocked Seb.
“Yeah, great views, great corners, the lot” James replied, laughing.
There was no denying, this was going a lot better than the Roulette Runner. For one, the car wasn’t driving them mad, and their friendship wasn’t being tested either.
.
Predictably though, it went wrong.
Seb and James got back in the car, where Martin was waiting. “Right, I got you a pack of Lays or whatever the Walkers crisps are here and a Coke” said Seb, handing some stuff out of the plastic bag.
“Nice” said Martin. “Let’s hit it then”
Seb turned the key. Nothing. “Bollocks” he exclaimed.
James sighed. The grump was back. “It’s that alternator isn’t it”
“Yep” said Martin, who’s mood had changed too. “Let’s go yank it out and see what’s up”.
30 minutes later, and the alternator was almost out. But Martin knew already that it had packed up. “Look at my hands, they’re black. And so is that alternator. We’re gonna need a new one”.
James got his phone out. “Alright then, let’s find a parts store”.
Thankfully, the nearest NAPA was only 20 minutes walk away, so James headed off to get the replacement while Seb and Martin got the old one out.
Could be worse, at least the problem this time hadn’t given them hearing damage.
6 Likes
Both purple cars are out 
Now we’re starting to see some serious wear, they’re gonna start dropping like flies.
Just for some information, I ran the morning distances into Excel. You can see who overtook whom at what time, though I didn’t actually put in any data for the stops, so this may not be entirely realistic.
Also I highlighted my own line. This is because if I happen to pass you and we’re both on the road at that point, you will be the recipient of something special, which I shall be writing presently. That is to say, @stm316, @TheBobWiley, @DeusExMackia (oh you poor sods). EDIT: upon further review it looks like I passed stm316’s team while they were in the Aquarium, so they’re safe. However, it looks like I catch up to DeusExMackia while they’re stuck with the alternator (they’re safe too, I can’t deliver my special package at a fuel stop…).
Which leaves TheBobWiley’s team, whom I’ve been steadily gaining ground on until 10am and pass shortly before they stop for lunch. Ho ho ho ho ho…
7 Likes
Our Protagonists Almost Die Before They Even Get To The Start
Our Protagonists Are Introduced And Act Like Somewhat Normal People
In Which They Noise Pollute Like College Frat Boys And Are Thoroughly Outdone by a Blue Man
In Which They Argue About Playing Gay Chicken With Keys Being Hidden in Unmentionable Places
In Which Gay Chicken Is Played But Kai Forgets the Chicken Part and Strop Loses
In Which Strop Fails Emissions Ratings and Team Southend are Scarred For Life
#Team Flaming Fart Cannon
Good for food (sort of), good for fuel, good for battery in the BoomStick… time to make up some ground!
“Just to be sure, you did say if we stopped every now and then, I could drive as much as I wanted?” Kai asked.
“Yeah, that’s the deal,” Strop replied. “As long as you stop when I want to. Or when you don’t want to drive as if that will ever happen.”
Just then, the next song came up on the playlist.
“Is this-” Kai started, look of spreading recognition on his face.
“YES.” Strop whipped out the finger guns. “I know right, how could I not play this, it has HISTORY.”
“You bought a Boom Box to the ASCA Mid-Season Gala with this on max volume.”
“We were all too poor to afford actual formal wear!”
“And then everybody hated us and that douche manager from my old team started picking on me, and you were all like it’s ok just walk away, walk away and then you did walk away… because you wanted a run-up to drop kick him in the face.”
“BOOM!” Strop pounded his fists together. Kai and Strop started laughing at the memory of the ensuing brawl, the night in the lock-up and the fine that ended up being more expensive than buying suits and dresses for everybody (totally worth it). But from the paroxysms of laughter, Strop’s sphincter involuntarily spasmed, allowing more fart to seep into the cabin. Kai wound the window down and hung his head out the window for a bit, wheezing.
“Oh shit, for fucks’ sake, I need a smoke just to cleanse my lungs.”
“Don’t you dare, that stuff’s poison.”
“No, YOUR fumes are poison. Cigarettes are like a tonic compared to the shit in your fart. Literally.” Still driving, Kai reached down for his packet and his lighter. Strop suddenly grabbed his hand, keeping the lighter shut. “NO, DON’T!”
“Dude what the fuck, don’t tell me what to do!” Kai tried pulling away but there was only so much pulling one could do without crashing Toothless.
“It’s not that… have you ever considered what might happen if you lit up in a cabin full of flammable fumes?”
Kai blinked and stared at Strop, clearly not looking at the road. “What. You think-”
“I mean, I’ve got it going on real bad right now, maybe the concentration is even enough to blow us sky high.” Kai frowned, unsure. It seemed far-fetched, but damn, it sure did smell bad in there. Strop’s brain was ticking too, for he had alighted on another idea…
“Hang on hang on, I know, gimme your lighter.”
“What? No!” Kai protested. “This is one of your dumb tricks to deprive me of my lung poison isn’t it.”
“Better than that, trust me.” Strop looked completely serious, which everybody knew was trouble. “And keep driving, we gotta go fast. In the meantime…” he pulled out a block of cheese he’d purchased from Tillamook, much to Kai’s horror. “This stuff ain’t gonna keep long out of the fridge!”
Toothless rolled into the station at Coos Bay, where they immediately spotted a familiar Sunshine Coast Orange '94 Erin Merna.
“Oh shit, it’s Team Southend!” Strop gasped. “Hide!”
But ducking below the window-line of the cabin was useless in a car as visible as the flaming, neon-shod Toothless. So Kai spent the next half a minute rolling back and forth such that the parked cars and the fuel pump completely obscured their line of sight from the compact. This achieved, the doors flew open they immediately spilled from the cabin, sucking in great lungfuls of sweet, petrol fume laden air. It was heaven.
While Strop refueled, Kai peered past the pump. “Hey, they’re not there. Good thing huh, would have been awkward.”
“Yeah,” Strop muttered, shameless enough to perpetrate offenses without regard to consequence but not anti-social enough to not feel said consequences. “Let’s keep going, I think we’ve done enough to them this morning.”
Back on the road, and back to the increasingly foul-smelling cabin. Strop’s emissions seemed to have increased, if the high-pitched squeaking of restrained farts was anything to go by.
“What did I tell you, stop eating the damn cheese!” Kai snapped, winding down the window for the umpteenth time that morning.
“I swear, that’s not me!” Strop cried. “I’m holding it in for something special!”
“Really?” Kai frowned. “Then…” the cause of the sound became more clear as, when Toothless crested a bump, the squeaking announced itself again. “Forpulede lort!” he spat.
“Ohh… we did say the CV joint was kind of getting worn out,” Strop mused.
Kai started stroking the steering wheel. “Come on baby, don’t give up on us just yet, your flight isn’t over just yet.”
At that moment, they caught sight of another familiar car: the '96 Bil of Team Clutch Droppers. Strop pointed at it frantically. “THERE. THERE THERE. Overtake them on the right.”
“Already on it!” Kai’s foot was planted and Toothless roared (well… hissed, I guess) forward. Strop grabbed Kai’s lighter and started unbuttoning his jeans.
“Strop, what the fuck?” Kai started.
“Hush now,” Strop had a manic grin on his face. “You’re about to discover the real reason we’re called Team Flaming Fart Cannon. And it’s not your turbo.”
Within seconds, they’d drawn abreast of the Bil and its unsuspecting occupants (or maybe suspecting, since the car was already notorious). Strop wound down the window, popped his seatbelt, and hauled himself until he was perched on the door frame, mostly hanging out the car. Ryan, Jason and Bob all stared at him with a mixture of confusion and horror as he dropped his pants, exposing his undies, and stuck his rear end at them.
“HADOKEN!” Strop yelled, and flicked the Bic.
A prodigious fireball launched from his rear end, blowing over the windshield of the Bil. Team Clutch Droppers almost lost it, swerving on the highway while Strop tumbled back into the car, for Toothless was also swerving, due to Kai being incapacitated by laughter.
“GO! GO! GO!” Strop yelled, steadying the wheel with one hand while trying to pull his pants up with the other. “And that’s another team we won’t be talking to by the end of this trip.”
MRL: +7
FTG: +3
13 Likes
… Poooor TheBobWiley… Never knew what was coming.
5 Likes
This will take just a little bit to write my response to this…
3 Likes
You had me at finger guns.
2 Likes
Team: Clutch Droppers
Day 2: 10-noon
Driving down the 101 after our stop at Seal Rock was uneventful, but it was a lovely day for a drive. Shortly after passing Coos Bay and Bunk Hill, OR we began to hear a loud car engine over the sound of our, admittedly old and weak, car stereo. Due to the winding nature of the road we could not tell where the sound was coming from at first, but after we hit a realativly straight section we could make out a black car coming up behind us, fast. Little did we know that we were currently down-wind of team FFC.
Bob: Shit, I think that’s the Fat Cannon team, how is everyone catching us so easily today?! Sure we are making more stops, but I’m not exactly driving like a saint either!
Jason: Do you guys smell something? Is there something wrong with our car?
Ryan: I smell it too, smells like a natural gas leak… mixed with a dead animal… did we hit something?
Bob: Not that I know of… god, it’s getting worse!
Team FFC’s car finally caught up to us, engine roaring, signaling its flat-out state. As their car began to pass us, ON THE RIGHT… you bastards, the smell became so intense our eyes were watering. The car slowed slightly as the back window rolled down, thinking they might be pulling alongside to tell us what the smell was Jason rolled down the rear window as well. The smell increased ten fold, and Bob began crying as his body reacted to such an intense burning, far worse than military grade pepper spray. Before anyone in the car could react, Strop’s rear-end had appeared in the window of the other team’s car. At the exact same moment a lighter appeared in his hand we realized what the smell was, as impossibly bad as it was… we knew. Bob slammed the brakes just as the lighter ignited and wave of fire washed over the front of our car, thankfully reducing the smell, if only to replace it with the smell of burned shit and ass-hair. At least it was not noxious.
Bob: HOLY CHRIST, how was that even possible??? Does that guy just produce pure methane??
Jason: Rolling the other rear window down and trying to cover his face with his shirt JESUS, I’M BLIND!!!
Ryan: I’ve smelled worse… but not by much…
Bob: That’s it, I’m tired of this monotonous drive, they are going to rue this day!
Flooring the pedal, the car hesitated for almost two seconds before mercifully downshifting sending the car’s turbo screaming. As we edged over 130mph, team FFC’s car came back into view just before another turn in the road. As we closed on their vehicle the smell started to increase again, but to combat it Ryan pulled a handful of air fresheners out of the glove box, hanging about 6 on the rearview mirror and each of us hanging 2 over our noses. The road began to bend around to the right, getting sharper and sharper forcing us to slow down, but we were still gaining on FFC.
Bob: Come on, just a little more speed. We almost have them!
Suddenly ahead the road took a sharp left turn, we were still traveling over 100mph and the brakes were not exactly exceptional on the Bil, forcing Bob to cut clear to the other side of the road and even onto the burm, even though we were hard on the brakes, in order to navigate the turn. Feeling emboldened by the high speed cornering Bob was back on the gas trying to close the final few yards of gap to team FFC. They had obviously been surprised the Bil had made it through the corner at the speeds both teams were traveling and punched the gas trying to outrun us. Taking the corner at speed gave us the advantage as the gap continued to close. We were approaching the top speed of the Bil as the road made gentle curves to the right and left, but Bob was determined and was taking all of the road in order to keep the Bil’s understeer in check. Luckily there had been no other cars on the road for the last few minutes, or there could have been a major accident.
As we pulled alongside of team FFC Jason and Ryan flipped them off. Strop glanced over and unpon seeing us wearing air-fresheners on our faces began laughing so loud we could hear him in our car, over the sound of both engines. He was visibly crying and starting to looked panicked as he could not breath over his laughter. Unluckily, the Bil’s temperature gauge passed into the red at this point and power suddenly dropped off, team FFC’s car began to pull away. This was a good thing however as the road suddenly became most twisty and the Bil was already having trouble slowing down due to brake fade and over-heated tires. The car continued to lose power as we came into sight of Brandon, OR and by time we had crossed the bridge into town the car was struggling to get above 30mph. We pulled off the highway and into a large, mostly empty parking lot for a large market called Ray’s Food Place. As we came to a stop in the parking lot we suddenly realized there was smoke coming from the engine, and not white steamy smoke like we expected from an over-heated radiator, but black smoke. Popping the hood and quickly running around to the front of the car Bob saw the air filter in flames
Bob: WHAT THE HELL??? GET THE EXTINGUISHER!!!
Ryan ran around to the trunk of the car and pulled out a small emergency extinguisher. Running back to the front of the car he let loose on the engine bay, quickly smothering the flames.
Bob: Good lord, I think that flame attack set the oil infused air filter on fire. They could have killed us!
Jason: Because your fucking driving wasn’t going to kill us!!
Ryan: I have to agree, I love to go fast, but Jesus, I swear I saw the speedometer hit the end of the gauge at one point!
Bob: We had to catch them… just to show them they arn’t the only fast ones… it was a matter of pride!
Ryan: Well… it looks like the air filter itself is ok, just a little charred and I’m sure the engine isn’t very happy. Let’s get lunch and let the car cool off a while.
Bob: Fine, but after we leave here we are going balls to the wall, I am tired of losing ground after all the extra driving we did yesterday.
Jason: Looking at the GPS Looks like there is a Dairy Queen! Let’s GO!!!
After a quick stop in the DQ drive-through we took our food and headed down the road to Kronenberg Park to enjoy the beautiful weather and delicious food. We left all the windows down on the car and were pleased to find the car smelled of “ocean breeze” when we returned. As we left Brandon we made a quick stop at “76”, a gas station we had never heard of before. As we left Brandon we agreed it was time to up our aggressiveness, we wanted to win more than ever after suffering that chemical weapon and flamethrower attack, both of which we were sure were against the Geneva Convention.
Morale: +13 (Morale increased from chasing down Team FFC and detoxing in Brandon, OR.)
Fatigue: +1 (Stopped for lunch and enjoyed the seaside park in Brandon, OR.)
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Alright, now I’m laughing so hard I’m crying…
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Must not start laughing… At work…
Good sport, great sport in fact. Kai is pleased to have a high speed Chase.
P.s. bonus points for apt DragonForce title 
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Team BAGS
Brian’s notes for this leg:
We finally made it to Seal Rock, having stopped at the Oregon Coast Aquarium along the way. While there, we were absolutely blown away by the sheer number of species on display in captivity there. In particular, Gary was drawn to the largest creatures such as the manta rays. Stephanie, on the other hand, preferred the smaller, more colorful coral reef species. It was definitely an experience none of us will ever forget!
Later, we heard that one of the teams had been arrested and was eliminated on the spot, while another had dropped out due to car troubles. We seem to have lucked out by abiding all traffic laws and picking a mechanically sorted car for this trip…
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