Reviews
A couple of weeks after the intern finished the list of approved cars, the production team has finally gotten press units from all the manufacturers. They have set up a small test track in an old airfield to judge the cars’ performance and driving characteristics. The writers and producers join the stunt drivers to offer their judgement and help choose a car for the production.
EtiH 441
“Well, this one looks… interesting”, one of the writers says as they enter the hangar. “Not sure it can play the part, the styling is very, how shall I say it, sparse? It barely looks like an actual muscle car, to start”
“Yeah, that headlight placement is unfortunate, so small and far apart”, says another writer. “And the grille-slash-vent situation is also somewhat weird”
“Let’s not dwell on that”, the showrunner chimes in, “how does it drive? maybe there’s something there to save it”
“Well, not great, is all I’ll say”
“It has an honest-to-goodness sequential transmission, which I’m not really saying as a positive”
“Did you feel that suspension tuning? it must be hell to drive it more than a couple of minutes”.
“Yeah, it’s STIFF stiff!”
“Not to mention, the car spun out at only 50 mph when we took it to the skidpad”
“At least you won’t die when you inevitably crash out, the crash test ratings are surprisingly good”
“Do we even talk about costs? It’s the most expensive to service, and scores the lowest in reliability surveys”
“Alright alright, let’s move on, shall we?”
Ascot Renegade 460S
“Damn, this thing’s cheap”
“Yeah, cheapest of the bunch, it seems”
“Well, let’s see where the compromises are”
“Hey speedies, what did you think of this? How does it drive?”
“Seems to be a decent all-rounder, pretty well drivable and safe”
“Not very sporty though, seems to fall flat in the driving dynamics department”
“Fast as hell, though, par for the course for a ‘murican muscle car”
“No weird or unexpected behavior, I’ll give it that, seems to play it safe in that regard”
“Alright, what about the design? We are making a TV show, after all”
“I don’t know, I’m not fully convinced, it just seems like, muscle car dot jpeg”
“Yeah, it’s pretty simple, doesn’t really move the soul… not ugly, though”
“I agree, pretty much no surfacing, and the lights and everything else look like they’re from the actual 70s”
“OK, onto the next one, guys”
Zephorus Deagle
“Well, hello sexy!”
“You can say that again, this thing looks good”
“It looks a bit European, maybe, with those haunches, but still, very tough and muscular”
“The rear end’s not my favorite, looks like it has two spots for the license plate. But that’s nitpicking, so far it blows everything else out of the water”
“OK, onto the mechanical side of things, looks like it has a proper massive V8”
“Hey speedies, how does this baby drive?”
“Incredibly powerful, especially for a naturally aspirated, pushrod engine, though it maybe would have benefited from having a bit more RPM above peak power, since it’s somewhat peaky”
“Suspension tuning’s pretty decent, though the front shocks seem to be on the stiffer side, from what I’m feeling”
“It seems to have perfect weight distribution, good dynamics overall”
“Yup, similar ‘drivability over performance’ focus”
“Curiously, it’s the only non-manual car here, well, besides the EtiH”
The executive producer interrupts them.
“Guys, this thing’s gonna be expensive”
“Damn, you’re right, and in the long run too, look at that fuel economy rating”
“It’s a muscle car after all… and we did say it didn’t really matter, it’s to be expected”
“It’s not VERY expensive, but it’s certainly on the upper end”
“We seem to be on a roll guys, let’s take a look at another one”
DCMW Shaqaarat Eight Standard
“Another looker, for sure”
“I love it, maybe the roof is on the low side, but still, it looks amazing”
“Yeah I can’t imagine visibility is great, but it does look like a proper muscle car”
“Especially with those chunky rear tires”
“It’s a bit close to Hot Wheels proportions for me, but I love how it blends retro and modern”
“Alright, how does this baby perform?”
“A SOHC engine in the 2020s, I wasn’t expecting that”
“It’s on the lower end of the power spectrum, that’s for sure”
“Still fast as fuck, though, and quick”
“After driving it, I’m feeling a great balance between sporty handling and drivability”
“Yeah, it drives incredibly well, I’m actually thinking of getting one for myself”
“Yeah, because you can actually afford this one”
“Its decent purchase price and maintenance definitely give it an edge”
“Yeah, seems like this one’s gonna fall high up in the list… alright, shall we move on?”
Vermilion Daredevil SPV 444 Speed Demon
“Didn’t we see this one already?”
“Nah, it’s a different car”
“At least this one has projector headlights”
“Yeah, somewhat derivative, though I do like the carbon touches, they’re subtle but make it look high end”
“That’s because IT IS high end, look at that MSRP”
“Sheesh, that’s steep”
“Looks like a pretty decent all-rounder, though nothing really stands out here, what do you think, speedies?”
“Could you please not call us that?”
“Maybe a bit compromised in the comfort side of things, that rear end is pretty over-sprung and under-damped”
“Yeah, was a pretty queasy ride”
“Power’s good, though”
“Yeah, at least…”
“It’s not bad, just, its looks and stats don’t really justify the pricetag”
“Onto the next one, guys”
Turból Centurion Heritage
“Sheesh!”
“Incredible design, this one”
“Very modern, I love it”
“Especially with that big honkin’ grille, but it does suit the aggressive character of a muscle car”
“This would look incredible on screen, that’s for sure”
“Very modern engine too”
“And the chassis seems pretty well-tuned as well, though maybe on the stiffer side”
“Another great all-rounder, but comfort doesn’t seem to be its strong suit”
“Yeah, it’s kinda stiff, not gonna lie”
“And that overdrive is pretty severe, it tops out in fifth!”
One of the producers takes their phone out and chimes in.
“Have you guys seen this crash test video? It doesn’t look good”
“Oof, I certainly wouldn’t want to crash this one…”
Brockland Sweeper Sharpshooter
“Daaamn, this car looks good”
“Very retro, very modern, great balance there”
“If I had to nitpick, that rear bumper lip is pretty severe”
“You’re right, like, there’s no transition from the upper to the lower bumper”
“Again, nitpicking, this is an incredible design”
“Those haunches are sexy”
“Hey sp… guys! How did this bad boy feel like out there?”
“The easiest to drive, I would say”
“Yup, very well-tuned chassis and great weight distribution”
“Pretty torquey engine, though not the most responsive”
“Yeah, this seems to prioritize drivability over outright sportiness”
“How about costs?”
“Not that expensive, and it’s the cheapest to service”
“Safety ratings seem to be on the lower end, unfortunately”
Arnoc - Nexum R/ T
“Whaddya know, another muscle car dot jpeg!”
“Side pipes!”
“40th anniversary of what? Jesus Christ, that lettering’s big”
“It doesn’t look great, doesn’t look like much of anything, to be fair”
“At least it has a handy unit conversion chart on the fender, for all the forgetful engineers out there”
“By the way, how does that 550 Cubic Inches 9 Liter V8 drive?”
“For starters, it’s a 60-degree V, so it shakes quite a bit”
“At least it’s powerful, and it makes a shitload of torque”
“Dynamically, it left a lot to be desired, it wasn’t particularly easy to drive, and it didn’t rustle my jimmies either”
“And it’s pretty uncomfortable, to boot”
“It’s somewhat oversprung, and the McPherson struts really let it down”
“It also has solid discs in the back, which doesn’t really inspire confidence, especially not in this segment”
“Alright, looks like we’re down to the last one”
Megocom Impact EXS 6.9L
“It looks pretty decent, overall”
“I like the truncated halo headlights, brings the modern to the retro”
“Pretty sparse otherwise, though”
“Yeah, it’s not the prettiest, I don’t really like that lower grille/vent situation, and the side markers are massive”
“And that spoiler is extremely vertical”
“How does it drive?”
“Like a Honda with 700 horsepower”
“VTEC, yo!”
“Yeah, that VVL transition is pretty harsh”
“At least it’s fast as fuck, like, faster than a Bugatti”
“How about, dynamically?”
“Like a cloud”
“I wouldn’t go that far, but it is the most comfortable of the bunch. You can feel the compromises, it’s easy to drive but it’s not very sporty”
“It’s safe and seems to be very reliable, though”
“What do the money counters think?”
“It’s decently priced to start, but service costs are very high”
“Seems that we’re done, is anyone else hungry?”
“Alright, let’s get back to the office and take a look at this dang spreadsheet”
“I have some favorites here, but let’s also look at what the numbers say, hopefully we have a hero car by the end of the day…”
Rankings
1.- @moroza 
2.- @debonair0806 & @vero94773
3.- @donutsnail
4.- @Riley
5.- @xsneakyxsimx
6.- @LennoxV10
7.- @Flingang
8.- @PhirmEggplant
9.- @mausil
Binned entrants can see their scores in the spreadsheet.
Here’s the spreadsheet I used:
Thanks to everyone for participating and congratulations to the winner! Some great designs here, especially on the upper end of the list, and varied approaches to muscle car-ness. Curiously, there was only one V10 left after instabins, as well as only one automated transmission. A lot of entries left a lot on the table, with very low prices but middling stats. Ultimately, it’s a close race between the first three positions. The DCMW, while not the top scorer anywhere, has really good overall stats in all categories, with a decent price and service costs. The Brockland is somewhat lacking in sportiness and safety, while the Turból makes some compromises in comfort and safety.
