Wow, whoever Mr. Lord Of The Drugs was, he certainly didn’t host normal limo parties. What was he doing back there, Rio’s Carnival parade!?
Also, Tonsom’s racing, huh…? (rubs hands together) Oh how good will this revenge taste if the Nash beats him to the punch. This will be for the Gimny, accursed man!
You don’t want to know what sort of terrible terrible things happened back there. A small chunk of the budget may have to go towards some deep cleaning or air fresheners…
There may be a little blood from loss of body parts, some a little more horrifying than others…
This is what you get for buying a car from a guy named “Two-bit Tony”…
Well…
our primary goal is getting there
if you get there earlier. gg
if not… still… gg
TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PRE-RACE PLANNING
MARIE: I can’t believe Janne and his stupid ideas, going to Bolivia to do something even more meaningless than the Meatball run.
ANDREAS: At least his Bolivian friend seems to have as much junk in his backyard as Janne has himself…
MARIE: And the only thing that is worse than sending Janne to shop a car, is to send him car shopping in Bolivia. He will probably end up with a Sofa or something…
ANDREAS: OH NO, LOOK AT THE BARBIEMOBILE HE IS ARRIVING IN!
(Screeching brakes)
JANNE: So, how do you like our new friend for the days to come then?
ANDREAS: THIS IS A GIRLIE CAR! I REFUSE TO DRIVE IT!
MARIE: GIRLIE? I REFUSE TO DRIVE IT TOO!
ANDREAS: To be honest, Marie, nobody knows which kind or how many chromosomes you have.
JANNE: Did I tell you this one has the bolivian market trident V6?
ANDREAS: YEAH, EVEN WORSE THAN THE SWEDISH ONE I GUESS???
JANNE: It depends. It has horribly low compression to cope with crappy fuel. And for the same reason, it has…FORGED PISTONS! You know what that means?
ANDREAS: Hmmmm, turbocharging?
JANNE: Exactly. And the stock 2.4 litre unit is already replaced with a 2.7 litre. I would guess 200 reliable horsepowers is a piece of cake even with low grade fuel.
ANDREAS: So, anything more that’s fun then?
JANNE: Yes. It has a 6 speed manual out of a 90s Celestia instead of the 5 speed. So it’s kind of a sleeper underneath.
MARIE: It looks like shit.
JANNE: We will fix that, don’t worry…
LATER ON…
Considering that we’re talking about the Hillbilly Rollers, everything. But that’s a completely different story.
Meet Ryan and Juliet. They run a workshop somewhere in New York, building race cars. They imported this 1995 Keika Kaiken to take to a race through a jungle. They don’t have a massive amount of resources. What they did have is a lot of foglights and a lot of metal bars…
The car:
Small hot hatch designed to never go off tarmac? Check.
Car upgraded cheaply, lacking power while also not being all that great handling? Check.
Car from a company with a history of just barely meeting safety regulations? Check.
This can go so well…
3/10 needs more lights. good shitpost as always
Camión De La Basura Racing
The Team:
Aaron Gonzales: 34. History and English teacher. Greenhorn Motorist.
Things he is known for: Reckless driving and complete ignorance of traffic rules.
Things he is not known for: Safe driving. Patience
Dario Carlos: 38. Geologist. Amateur mechanic.
Things he is known for: Smokes a lot. Can repair things.
Things he is not known for: Urgency.
The car:
Darios beaten up TBA Arion, from back when he was working as a cab driver. Does not sound very much capable of an cross country offroad rally?
Well, some precautions and modifications have been made to the old girl: The original rear axle was replaced by a live axle taken from a truck, also a rear locking differential was fitted to make her tackle some of Bolivias trails (probably not all though…). New and lifted suspension was fitted with wide, chunky offroad tires. Stripped interior for lots of spare parts and other stuff.
The Arion might not be the most reliable car in the field, with almost 190.000 miles on the clock and 46 years on its back, but its age makes it a simpler and easier to fix car with no electronics except for the radio and the ignition. Dario does know how to work on the car since it has been his daily workhorse for almost 15 years.
It’s so funny when you know spanish, and you get the joke 
I half know Spanish… Shrimp of the-
wait… shrimp is camaron FUCK
EDIT: Google Translate is a wonderful, wonderful place…
(yes: they´re back…)
THE TEAM:
Frank Tonsom:
age: 56
interests: nothing really special… (may be filled if i have an idea)
personal vehicles: none (the WorkMateAir he had a few months ago was totaled in a car crash)
His boss is the reason Operation BIRD is even a thing. Being forced to be the head of this group and after the first mission in Sweden with limited success, relations with the other members are “meh”.
Tim Redwood:
age: 19
interests: Basketball; Music (not making it tho); playing around with tools
personal vehicles: recently aquired 1979 Anhultz Mimas 80
Redwood basically is the kiddo from next-door who´s sole purpose initially was keeping Tonsom´s agression at bay. Coincidentally, he also manages most of the repairs for the car, although highly dependant on others for instructions.
Connor:
age relative to being born: around three months
age relative to date of birth: -20 years
interests: none in particular, there are reasons
personal vehicles: none (not allowed to own one)
Connor has been sent to assist the others in getting the job done. He has the most knowledge of the three while also being the least emotional, at least at the start of this…
The car:
well…
just take a look a few posts above and there you go…
(might or might not be fucked up through lack of skill tho)
EDIT:
yep… i also took advantage of time travel. and since i am not the first to do so, i see no reason to not do it
Now available for you to drive in BeamNG:
https://www.beamng.com/resources/1989-pmi-merkur-a10-mk-iv-diesel.5375/
that backstory seems interesting considering “the mission” of my team…
Somewhere in the Amazon rainforest, Bolivia, 19:46PM. 25th August 2018.
“Fucking shit, it’s hot out. Glad they brought our cars onto the shore, unlike in Bottom Gear.” Jake Storm said, glaring at the sky and giving the sun the finger. “Hope the Travette’s air-conditioning still works.”
“Well, it looks like it survived the trip all right.” Cody Acorne said, giving their former rental car a good last once-over. “Mufflers are still there, tires look okay, wing’s still attached. Looks like it’s still a three cylinder with EFI… Shame the engine fairy didn’t show up and give us a small block Chevy or something.”
“Hey, so we’re stuck with the tri-cylinder rattle-box, but we’ve got a 5 speed automatic and a solid rear axle. We’ll be fine.” Jake said, grinning. “Anyway, looks like we’re gonna get our supplies soon, they left notes under the wipers for each team. Say’s were allowed… One chainsaw, one machete, a box of bandaids per team member, so that’s two boxes of bandaids, a bottle of antiseptic, a…” Jake burst out laughing, then said, “A packet of viagra, and a packet of condoms.”
“You’ve not watched Bottom Gear’s Bolivia Special, have you?” Cody said, though was laughing along with Jake.
“I have, just it’s still funny to get the exact same stuff.” Jake replied, still laughing.
“Okay, so let’s go over the backup plans with our car before we meet the other teams. If the starter fails, well, Vheego has our back. She can be crank-started, the crank’s part of the tire-iron. If we drown the car, however, well, we’ve got lots of electronics that won’t do well with it…” Cody said.
“Stuff the ECU and TCU in a condom and stick 'em to the dashboard.” Jake said. “Gets 'em above the water line, mostly. And keep in mind, we need one of 'em for the gas cap. Else, we’re putting water in the gas, and while she might be Bi-Fuel compatible, the Travette’s engine won’t run on water. Only gasoline or E85.”
“Sounds like we’ll be okay, then. Tell me, are we crazy for trying this in a rear-wheel-drive?” Cody asked.
“Little bit, but that’s the fun part. We’ve got a lockable diff, and we’re going to push ourselves up every mountain with our mighty turbo inline 3.” Jake said.
“Glad you’re optimistic about our chances.” Cody replied. “C’mon, let’s go meet the other teams and look over their cars. After all, I checked social media at the airport before heading here, we’re not the lowest horsepower.”
“You’re fuckin’ joking.” Jake said, and his eyes went wide as Cody smiled and shook his head. “There’s people here with less than 100 horsepower?”
“Yeah, and one of 'em has a diesel with a higher redline than our ex-rental.” Cody replied. “C’mon, let’s go meet 'em.”
TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PRE-RACE PREPARATION
JANNE: Well, as the team leader, I see it as my duty to check everything out that we have recieved now…
First, we have a chainsaw…
MARIE: CAN WE CHOP THE ROOF OFF? PLEASE!
ANDREAS: It’s an asian tinfoil shitbox! It will bend in the middle if you roll down the windows too much!
JANNE: Then we have a machete…
ANDREAS: CAN I TRY IT? PLEASE!!!
JANNE: God damn it, you are exactly like a couple of pre-schoolers! Now, we have some band aids…
MARIE: YES! We are going to need them if Andreas is allowed to hold a machete for more than five seconds.
JANNE: And then some antiseptic…
MARIE: CAN I TASTE A SIP OF IT??? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
JANNE: NO!!!
MARIE: Go f… yourself…
JANNE: Speaking of f…, there is a packet of Viagra here too. Why?
ANDREAS: Yes, completely unnecessary! I mean, just look at our female team member! There’s not enough viagra in the world to keep it stiff while looking at her!
MARIE: AND WHO PUT A QUARTER INTO YOU?
JANNE: Bah, we can probably trade them for something more useful…moonshine or something. Like we can with the condoms…
ANDREAS: Yeah, or maybe Marie can give them to the next drunk loser that will follow her home? Ten of them and he MAY survive WITH his reproductive organ still in place. If he’s lucky…
To be continued…
25-08-18 - Midnight
Dear grandfather,It might have been due to Leo’s impetuousness, but I made it to the jungle. It’s not in Congo like to stories you told me when I was little, and you still with us. The area is wild here, as are the bugs. They have these fruits here that look aweful, but then whats inside is actually nuts. I am confused, but they taste nice. It seems to be their main job here, apart from some river fishing. The people appear pretty self-sufficient, but even here you can get all the soda and canned food you get back in Belgium.
I have confidence in the car I have bought us, it’s a Merkur. I am sure you would have agreed. I have confidence as well in Kenny to keep it running should something happen to it, and Leo is actually a good driver, if he doesn’t get blinded by the idea of those 3 million we might win. I don’t really care for that.
They gave us some equipment, useful stuff, also… pills to go high up into the mountains where the air is thin. That’s still far ahead of us. That chainsaw engine can be useful as well on its own I realise, Kenny can do wonders with all engines.
I carry this booklet on my chest, even if the heat. I trust my friends, but I will have to be strong in case anything goes wrong. My soft side is yours.
My toughts go to you.
Your Jantje.
Do I need a catalytic converter?
And also, does a lower drivability increase the odds of crashing, or does it just make you slower
Don’t Double post, the edit function exists for a reason
