This is what you get for buying a car from a guy named “Two-bit Tony”…
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Well…
our primary goal is getting there
if you get there earlier. gg
if not… still… gg
TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PRE-RACE PLANNING
MARIE: I can’t believe Janne and his stupid ideas, going to Bolivia to do something even more meaningless than the Meatball run.
ANDREAS: At least his Bolivian friend seems to have as much junk in his backyard as Janne has himself…
MARIE: And the only thing that is worse than sending Janne to shop a car, is to send him car shopping in Bolivia. He will probably end up with a Sofa or something…
ANDREAS: OH NO, LOOK AT THE BARBIEMOBILE HE IS ARRIVING IN!
(Screeching brakes)
JANNE: So, how do you like our new friend for the days to come then?
ANDREAS: THIS IS A GIRLIE CAR! I REFUSE TO DRIVE IT!
MARIE: GIRLIE? I REFUSE TO DRIVE IT TOO!
ANDREAS: To be honest, Marie, nobody knows which kind or how many chromosomes you have.
JANNE: Did I tell you this one has the bolivian market trident V6?
ANDREAS: YEAH, EVEN WORSE THAN THE SWEDISH ONE I GUESS???
JANNE: It depends. It has horribly low compression to cope with crappy fuel. And for the same reason, it has…FORGED PISTONS! You know what that means?
ANDREAS: Hmmmm, turbocharging?
JANNE: Exactly. And the stock 2.4 litre unit is already replaced with a 2.7 litre. I would guess 200 reliable horsepowers is a piece of cake even with low grade fuel.
ANDREAS: So, anything more that’s fun then?
JANNE: Yes. It has a 6 speed manual out of a 90s Celestia instead of the 5 speed. So it’s kind of a sleeper underneath.
MARIE: It looks like shit.
JANNE: We will fix that, don’t worry…
LATER ON…
**JANNE:**Yeah, that’s it. It should not need extreme offroad performance for the terrain to come, so I just put on some mild offroad tyres on steelies that are both cheaper and tougher than alloys, and raised the suspension with distances under the springs, also it now has a locker from a Terrex, something the Rexetta always was missing… Roof rack, bull bar and offroad lamps all were behind the garage and Marie did a good job with the desert drab paintjob. What could go wrong now?
Considering that we’re talking about the Hillbilly Rollers, everything. But that’s a completely different story.
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Team Lights and Sounds
Meet Ryan and Juliet. They run a workshop somewhere in New York, building race cars. They imported this 1995 Keika Kaiken to take to a race through a jungle. They don’t have a massive amount of resources. What they did have is a lot of foglights and a lot of metal bars…
The car:
Small hot hatch designed to never go off tarmac? Check.
Car upgraded cheaply, lacking power while also not being all that great handling? Check.
Car from a company with a history of just barely meeting safety regulations? Check.
This can go so well…
Can you tell I had no ideas for rp for this?
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3/10 needs more lights. good shitpost as always
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Camión De La Basura Racing
The Team:
Aaron Gonzales: 34. History and English teacher. Greenhorn Motorist.
Things he is known for: Reckless driving and complete ignorance of traffic rules.
Things he is not known for: Safe driving. Patience
Dario Carlos: 38. Geologist. Amateur mechanic.
Things he is known for: Smokes a lot. Can repair things.
Things he is not known for: Urgency.
The car:
Darios beaten up TBA Arion, from back when he was working as a cab driver. Does not sound very much capable of an cross country offroad rally?
Well, some precautions and modifications have been made to the old girl: The original rear axle was replaced by a live axle taken from a truck, also a rear locking differential was fitted to make her tackle some of Bolivias trails (probably not all though…). New and lifted suspension was fitted with wide, chunky offroad tires. Stripped interior for lots of spare parts and other stuff.
The Arion might not be the most reliable car in the field, with almost 190.000 miles on the clock and 46 years on its back, but its age makes it a simpler and easier to fix car with no electronics except for the radio and the ignition. Dario does know how to work on the car since it has been his daily workhorse for almost 15 years.
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It’s so funny when you know spanish, and you get the joke 
I half know Spanish… Shrimp of the-
wait… shrimp is camaron FUCK
EDIT: Google Translate is a wonderful, wonderful place…
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Operation BIRD
(yes: they´re back…)
THE TEAM:
Frank Tonsom:
age: 56
interests: nothing really special… (may be filled if i have an idea)
personal vehicles: none (the WorkMateAir he had a few months ago was totaled in a car crash)
His boss is the reason Operation BIRD is even a thing. Being forced to be the head of this group and after the first mission in Sweden with limited success, relations with the other members are “meh”.
Tim Redwood:
age: 19
interests: Basketball; Music (not making it tho); playing around with tools
personal vehicles: recently aquired 1979 Anhultz Mimas 80
Redwood basically is the kiddo from next-door who´s sole purpose initially was keeping Tonsom´s agression at bay. Coincidentally, he also manages most of the repairs for the car, although highly dependant on others for instructions.
Connor:
age relative to being born: around three months
age relative to date of birth: -20 years
interests: none in particular, there are reasons
personal vehicles: none (not allowed to own one)
Connor has been sent to assist the others in getting the job done. He has the most knowledge of the three while also being the least emotional, at least at the start of this…
The car:
well…
just take a look a few posts above and there you go…
(might or might not be fucked up through lack of skill tho)
EDIT:
yep… i also took advantage of time travel. and since i am not the first to do so, i see no reason to not do it
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Now available for you to drive in BeamNG:
https://www.beamng.com/resources/1989-pmi-merkur-a10-mk-iv-diesel.5375/
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that backstory seems interesting considering “the mission” of my team…
Somewhere in the Amazon rainforest, Bolivia, 19:46PM. 25th August 2018.
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Rental Wreckers
“Fucking shit, it’s hot out. Glad they brought our cars onto the shore, unlike in Bottom Gear.” Jake Storm said, glaring at the sky and giving the sun the finger. “Hope the Travette’s air-conditioning still works.”
“Well, it looks like it survived the trip all right.” Cody Acorne said, giving their former rental car a good last once-over. “Mufflers are still there, tires look okay, wing’s still attached. Looks like it’s still a three cylinder with EFI… Shame the engine fairy didn’t show up and give us a small block Chevy or something.”
“Hey, so we’re stuck with the tri-cylinder rattle-box, but we’ve got a 5 speed automatic and a solid rear axle. We’ll be fine.” Jake said, grinning. “Anyway, looks like we’re gonna get our supplies soon, they left notes under the wipers for each team. Say’s were allowed… One chainsaw, one machete, a box of bandaids per team member, so that’s two boxes of bandaids, a bottle of antiseptic, a…” Jake burst out laughing, then said, “A packet of viagra, and a packet of condoms.”
“You’ve not watched Bottom Gear’s Bolivia Special, have you?” Cody said, though was laughing along with Jake.
“I have, just it’s still funny to get the exact same stuff.” Jake replied, still laughing.
“Okay, so let’s go over the backup plans with our car before we meet the other teams. If the starter fails, well, Vheego has our back. She can be crank-started, the crank’s part of the tire-iron. If we drown the car, however, well, we’ve got lots of electronics that won’t do well with it…” Cody said.
“Stuff the ECU and TCU in a condom and stick 'em to the dashboard.” Jake said. “Gets 'em above the water line, mostly. And keep in mind, we need one of 'em for the gas cap. Else, we’re putting water in the gas, and while she might be Bi-Fuel compatible, the Travette’s engine won’t run on water. Only gasoline or E85.”
“Sounds like we’ll be okay, then. Tell me, are we crazy for trying this in a rear-wheel-drive?” Cody asked.
“Little bit, but that’s the fun part. We’ve got a lockable diff, and we’re going to push ourselves up every mountain with our mighty turbo inline 3.” Jake said.
“Glad you’re optimistic about our chances.” Cody replied. “C’mon, let’s go meet the other teams and look over their cars. After all, I checked social media at the airport before heading here, we’re not the lowest horsepower.”
“You’re fuckin’ joking.” Jake said, and his eyes went wide as Cody smiled and shook his head. “There’s people here with less than 100 horsepower?”
“Yeah, and one of 'em has a diesel with a higher redline than our ex-rental.” Cody replied. “C’mon, let’s go meet 'em.”
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TEAM HILLBILLY ROLLERS
PRE-RACE PREPARATION
JANNE: Well, as the team leader, I see it as my duty to check everything out that we have recieved now…
First, we have a chainsaw…
MARIE: CAN WE CHOP THE ROOF OFF? PLEASE!
ANDREAS: It’s an asian tinfoil shitbox! It will bend in the middle if you roll down the windows too much!
JANNE: Then we have a machete…
ANDREAS: CAN I TRY IT? PLEASE!!!
JANNE: God damn it, you are exactly like a couple of pre-schoolers! Now, we have some band aids…
MARIE: YES! We are going to need them if Andreas is allowed to hold a machete for more than five seconds.
JANNE: And then some antiseptic…
MARIE: CAN I TASTE A SIP OF IT??? PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
JANNE: NO!!!
MARIE: Go f… yourself…
JANNE: Speaking of f…, there is a packet of Viagra here too. Why?
ANDREAS: Yes, completely unnecessary! I mean, just look at our female team member! There’s not enough viagra in the world to keep it stiff while looking at her!
MARIE: AND WHO PUT A QUARTER INTO YOU?
JANNE: Bah, we can probably trade them for something more useful…moonshine or something. Like we can with the condoms…
ANDREAS: Yeah, or maybe Marie can give them to the next drunk loser that will follow her home? Ten of them and he MAY survive WITH his reproductive organ still in place. If he’s lucky…
To be continued…
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25-08-18 - Midnight
Dear grandfather,It might have been due to Leo’s impetuousness, but I made it to the jungle. It’s not in Congo like to stories you told me when I was little, and you still with us. The area is wild here, as are the bugs. They have these fruits here that look aweful, but then whats inside is actually nuts. I am confused, but they taste nice. It seems to be their main job here, apart from some river fishing. The people appear pretty self-sufficient, but even here you can get all the soda and canned food you get back in Belgium.
I have confidence in the car I have bought us, it’s a Merkur. I am sure you would have agreed. I have confidence as well in Kenny to keep it running should something happen to it, and Leo is actually a good driver, if he doesn’t get blinded by the idea of those 3 million we might win. I don’t really care for that.
They gave us some equipment, useful stuff, also… pills to go high up into the mountains where the air is thin. That’s still far ahead of us. That chainsaw engine can be useful as well on its own I realise, Kenny can do wonders with all engines.
I carry this booklet on my chest, even if the heat. I trust my friends, but I will have to be strong in case anything goes wrong. My soft side is yours.
My toughts go to you.
Your Jantje.
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Do I need a catalytic converter?
And also, does a lower drivability increase the odds of crashing, or does it just make you slower
Don’t Double post, the edit function exists for a reason
Psst… it’s spelled with one “n”… Canon Fodder. 
It’s a play on words. Because the car is not Canon (another word for Lore). And it works with also implying they’re going to die a horrible meaningless death.
Team Canon Fodder
Devon dropped the crate unceremoniously on the ground behind the Keystone rally coupe.
“Dude, what’s that?” Ollie inquired.
“Dunno. Some stuff these dudes from the race gave us. Check this out.” He grabbed the chainsaw from the top of the pile. “Alright. Cool. We can do some damage with this.”
“Whoa!” Ollie exclaimed, drawing the machete out. He took a couple wide swings with it, missing his partner’s ear by less than an inch.
“Bro!” Devon laughed. “Knock it off.”
“Whatevs,” Ollie replied, picking up the box of bandages. “Got it covered.”
Devon grabbed a box of condoms and the sample packets of Viagra from the bottom. “Whoa. They really want us to party, huh?”
Ollie laughed and clapped his companion on the shoulder. “Dude, the road’s not the only thing that’s going to be hard out here.”
Yes, they really are that dumb.
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Aston's Orc Krew: The Arrival
The who’s who and car of the team
Bolivia… Another South-American land populated by far-too-large pits between fortune and death. It seems that the expression “things gone south” is cultural explanation by anyone who built their empires, at the cost of people who can’t fight back…
Jack: Hugh! Knock that crap off! I’m trying to check the sound system here! We gotta make our entrance properly, so get off your narrator ass and see if the car’s workin’.
Hugh: We can’t just drive into the area normally, kid?
Jack: No, we can’t. Sly! How’s the radio?
Sly: No problems… Sadly.
J: I heard that! Let’s go, awesomeness waits for no one. Play the music!
H: Shouldn’t we play this when the race starts?
S: Please don’t question him…! Lest we become local fauna…
J (after arriving at waiting point, slams door shut): Alright, the awesome ones have arrived. Let’s survey the mismash field of enhancement talent they call competitors…
S: Some pretty serious dudes here. Look at Old But Gold, Team Super Special, Team Run N Gun, Quicksilver… They’re all bringing out legit offroaders. We should look out for them.
H: Did you say Run N Gun!?
S: Er… yes. What got into you all of a sudden, Hugh?
H: It’s nothing. Ben… your loved ones are gone, and yet you still risk yourself on these life-and-death situations? I guess I can contact Langley and confirm your entry, at least. They should forward that info without problem…
S: Alright. Jack, have you seen Rental Wreckers?
J: What about’em…?
S: Well, they look experienced.
J: You kiddin’ me? Their car looks like a rental who made a wrong turn at Albuquerque and drove straight through AutoZone. I’d be more worried about their credit card’s limit. (sees member of the race’s organization coming his way) Somethin’ wrong, Poindexter?
The member says nothing, handing out the entrant kit to the team instead and going away
J: What’s this? Ah, chainsaw and machete; the cutting couple of my dreams. Plus some PG health crap, because they don’t know my body is healthy as frick and… one packet of condoms?
S: What, not enough for you?
J: You’re kiddin’ me!? These are unnecessary weight! By the time this race is over I will make enough tribe offsprings to overthrow the government. Aston Manual, Chapter #69: a single child is your family, multiple ones is your royal family.
Jack overhears a conversation between the two organization members, and suddenly grins from ear to ear.
H: You real proud of that one huh, kid?
J: Nah, that ain’t it. Those guys are saying one team’s missin’.
S: But I read the official spotters guide! The teams there are all accounted for. You don’t mean… the organizers…?
J: Heh… forget the roof. Once I’m all set and done, even space won’t be far enough for our ratings to break through.
To Be Continued!
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