Sifting through my emails…
…and first we find something from the Spaniards. Conte are giving us the ‘Cyberpunk concept’. You realise that I’m expecting it to be covered in neon lights, with holographic interfaces on the interior and the ability to fly? Frankly I’m gonna be dissapointed otherwise.
Ayy! It’s the new Shromet Radiant. Looks to be a facelift as we saw the newest model release quite recently. This, folks, is a good teaser; it’s told us what it is and given us a fairly decent preview of what it looks like. Take notes.
Contrastingly, Znopresk seem to have designed their official marketing teaser on MS Paint. You know the whole ‘blackened background’ thing usually entails the car itself not being matte black itself and hence invisible? From what I can tell, however, it looks like a new styling language for the upcoming next generation Zest.
‘Way more to come’ reads Kishiwo’s out of focus, poorly laid-out teaser for what is almost certainly another crossover. Oh gosh, I just cannot wait to see what is to come.
Eh? What is this?. No text in this email, just an attached file of a black car. So what? One thing to note is how sad those headlights make the car look. Much like trying to write about it makes me feel.
EVE sent me two emails. One was details for their new ‘Phoenix’ concept, and the other was a correction for spelling ‘Phoenix’ incorrectly. It happens to the best of us, don’t worry. Seems like their styling department has gone backwards however, opting for the classic “oh look how edgy our car is” 3 rectangular slit-style headlights. Ugh.
Holts are launching a sporty version of the Alaris, called the “GTCUP”. Er, how do we read that? G-TCUP, if the colouring is anything to believe? As in a tea cup trim of the car…? Who knows, it looks like an extra sporty hot hatch and seems decently styled.
‘Where do we go next?’ reads the teaser from Zasteros, showing the rear of large coupe that looks like it came out 10 years ago. I’d like to go anywhere but there, please.
Hoorah! Evgenis are back! I thought the plucky British manufaturer had vanished, but it looks like they’re back once more with a Luxury car! That stereotypical “{thing}, redefined” advertsing spiel hasn’t totally been done to death already at all!
Now here’s something that looks interesting: Ceder have a new mid-sized sedan coming out. The styling looks modern and chromey, and that shade of blue looks tempting. The French sports car manufacturer has been quiet recently, so it’s gonna be good to see what they release on March 6th.
“It’s almost time”, from Franklin Marshall. Time for what exactly, Mr Marshall? Maybe time to fire your marketing executive for this thing you sent me?
Now, as I’m sure some of you heard, they’re re-releasing Burnout Paradise and have remastered it. What I didn’t realise was that they were also releasing an actual production car for it. Because whatever this Bruiser thing is, it looks like it drove straight out of 2008.
Saminda have announced the Saminda C+, with its super cool catchphrase “100% Electric, Everywhere, Everytime”. Implying that, until now, in some parts of the world at certain times of the day, electric cars suddenly convert back to being petrol cars? Or what?
The Kogan STS claims “you will need it on the track”. You sure about that? As in I’ll need to be sedated whilst driving this thing to combat how unbearably smug this advertising is?
Good ol’ AL Autos soldier on, with their infinitely deep R&D pockets launching another hyper-super-MR-car thing. Slightly confused about the styling though; it appears the headlights are just slightly smaller than the state of Alaska.
Oh for fucks sake. “Touch the sky”. What does that even mean? What am I even remotely supposed to divulge from this? Seems that we’ve switched from black background teasers to astoundingly vague statements about cars with absolutely no context or explanation. God this job is difficult some times.
Incredible. On the fourth of March, Montes are going to release a video of their newest gen Urban crashing into an old one. Must be for art or something.
No, wait, I’ve misread that; looks like we’re getting a new version of hot-trimmed Urban. Decent!
Hang on, Montes aren’t quite done yet. They’re telling us it’s “Time To Enjoy The Wind Again”. Are they launching a yacht? Or maybe a kite? More vague marketing that ends up making zero sense. ARGH.
Oh holy christ, what is this? Some sources seem to point to this being something from Ecamobile, but I can’t verify it. I can, however, verify the following:
- “Ready for Round 2?” - No. I wasn’t in round 1, you see.
- “You ran out of Luck, kiddo” - Eh? Who’s the kid? Why is “Luck” capitalised? Why has he run out of luck?
- “Dad. I want to show you your grandson” - You know, I’m not a father myself (yet), but I don’t think I’d introduce my newborn child to his grandfather by announcing it as though I were showing him some DT project I was working on in primary school.
- “Why stop here?” - I’d ask you the same. This is the most absurd teaser I’ve ever seen. None of these make any sense. What are you even teasing? The ability to confuse?
I’m bewildered. I’m lost. There’s some promising stuff here, as always. But the rest? Well it’s just off the rails. I couldn’t tell you where to begin with what to expect from Geneva, which traditionally is one of the biggest shows of the year. Bet the event organisers are just filled with hope after reading through that.
