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CSR 90 - "Dieselgate Aftermath" [FINAL RESULTS UP]


Electi Ocelot Legatus+


Style. Luxury. Practicality.

Stability. Security. Sensibility.

For you. for your family. Ocelot

Break convention. Make a statement. Drive Electi.

Model shown Ocelot Legatus+, representative $14937, 0% finance available. Legatus+ trim includes premium satelite navigation, panoramic roof, hidden door handles with keyless entry, LED headlights, heated and cooled leather seats, triple zone climate control, park assist front and rear w/reversing camera, LED DRL. ESC as standard. Consumption rated 5.0l/100km, 9.4s 0-100km.

(Did I make it or did I not?)


2018 Pajura Bengal+ Quester

Ideal for carrying 5 in any situation and powered by a strong and proven 1.4 Vail-Jet III Engine, courtesy of the Ceder Groupe, the Bengal+ is perfect for around town commute and long-distance driving boasting great fuel economy and capacious enough to swallow any luggage you can throw at it.

The Bengal+ is based on our strong midsize platform, so as with all Pajuras we provide a base of comfort and luxury without the need for a premium cost. Top of the line Quester trim is still available at less than $14000.


Holy fuck that’s beautiful.


Hmm, I’m looking forward to seeing those :grin:


You won’t see the meme, because the meme is the reason I had to add “I need an actual car name” to the rules. "^^


Judging - Round 1, part 1.

Diebolsheim, may 25th, 2018.

The sun is shining through the window of the half timbered house Fernand and Christine Müller bought 15 years ago with inheritance money hard work money. It’s 9 in the morning. People are somehow still talking about Johnny Hallyday’s death on the radio. Despacito is somehow still airing, too.

But right now, Fernand and Christine are browsing forums. Trying to get advice, not to go in their car hunt without any basis whatsoever. Which brand is the brand to go to in 2018?

Unfortunately for them, the internet in 2018 is what it is. All of their search results ended up in delving into threads that died after too many salts had been spilled by brand elitists. No, mine is better than yours because OF COURSE IT IS. THREE HUNDRED THOUSANDS KM WITHOUT CHANGING THE CLUTCH, MISTER! Nevermind the fact that I’m one lucky son of a bitch because 40% of people reported gearbox problems but WHATEVER, MINE WORKED THEREFORE I AM RIGHT.

To be fair, Fernand and Christine delighted themselves from the salt. It was really heartwarming to see people so passionate about subjects that mattered. After a dozen of forum threads, they both were convinced that each and every single brand was equally shit and WAS going to get them stranded and to break down, so… might as well try them all out, right?

The first configurator they opened was Harada’s.

Harada KandeX M @asami

F: Hmmm… Let’s see what they have…
C: It’s odd, most of their lineup kinda looks like that german brand, y’know… FaerGrüber?
F: Most of their lineup looks like literally half the cars on the market right now, with that hexagonal grille and horizontal headlights…
C: Oh… Right. At least we’ll blend in!
F: Sure… Oh. There’s something! The KandeX M. … Yeah, similar size than our good ole Mesaia… Blah blah… diesel, unfortunately nope… Oh! Petrol… What?!
C: Hold on. 2.4L liter turbo with… 170hp only?
F: What kind of… how did…
C: Damn honey, I think they… took an USDM N/A base engine and turbo’d it… to the same power.
F: … How is… I mean it’s a weird choice buf it that means we’re getting low end torque and no FUCKING GOVERNMENTAL PENALTY
C: OUAIS PUTAIN! … Hem. Cars.
F: Cars, yeah…
Both browse through the options list for a while…
C: I mean it looks decent so far, you can pair your phone and everything but… I think we need to get accustomed to modern car appliances before we can judge that.
F: Sure. Let’s look at other stuff.

And other stuff they looked for.

Nohda Assent Revo @Dorifto_Dorito

It was Christine’s time on the computer this time. she instantly chedked out the Nohda website.
F: Why… are you looking at this? They’re literally just weeb Merciels.
C: We can’t afford a Merciel. And FUCK BUYING FRENCH STUFF THIS YEAR.
F: YEAH, FUCK TAXES. Herm. Soooo… Yeah, a good old japanese brand lineup. Hatchbacks, and… Oh, minivans?
C: Yeah! The Assent. Basically a Merciel Vixen but uh, Yamete Kudasai.
F: Same stuff but cheaper… Let’s see… Damn yeah, there is a huge difference in cargo size, about twice as much as the Harada!
C: Good thing I looked for minivans, right? :3 And it has nice equipment, too! Cloth seats, but they look comfy!
F: Yeah, all of this is great! Can we see the engines?
C: Uh hold on… … Oh. disappoint.jpg
F: What? Oh yeah, shit. 109hp to move all of this?
C: I mean… y-yeah, I guess if we’re trying to save fuel we’re gonna have to~
F: Look hon, the Harada had a barely worse fuel economy and 60 more horsepower. Don’t know about you but I’m NOT risking overtaking on the EDF road with a car that does 0-100km/h in as much as a diesel Polo 6N…
C: Hey don’t criticize my first car! It was Deutsche Post yellow and had TWIN TONE LEATHER SEATS!
F: Okay, my turn.

Jihne Tiane Cu+ @yangx2

Fernand took a shot of schnapps before checking out the Honghu Automotive Association website
F: You know what, wildcard time! Just for the laugh I’m gonna check a chinese brand!
C: Hehe, yeah! We did think that every single brand was as shit as the other, right? Might as well meme it, you’re right! Let’s see what the worst of capitalism AND the worst of communism has to offer!
F: wheezes LOL honey there’s a luxury brand!
And he clicks this one.
C: …
F: …
C: …
F: …W… What year is it again?
C: 2018, I… think.
F: And… how much time you think has passed… since the first chinese car that actually looks like I can’t afford it reached the amrket?
C: … This shit is fucking gorgeous… I can’t even admit it but holy fuck this is beautiful.
F: How much of a dickhead have I been for not checking that before… FUCK IT lets go all the way.
and this, Fernand started speccing a Jihne Tiane model. Trim, color, everything. The result, of course, is the picture above but who am I to tell you the obvious except a tipsy car reviewer?
F: I can’t fucking believe it.
C: You managed to spec that bitch with LEATHER SEATS and it still fits the budget.
F: And looks even more like I can’t afford it.
C: I mean… What engine you got?
F: The 2.2L 160… A bit underpowered for the displacement but gets 5L/100 flat…
C: … You know what honey? Screw what our neighbour’s think. I wanna check it out.
F: I do wanna check it out.

They mark the Jihne Tiane on their list of cars to see IRL and get on with their search.

Pajaro Civetta @CorsicaUnknown

Fernand’s search led him to a beautiful wagon from a brand that sounds like you’re saying wanker in spanish.
F: Damn that’s pretty!
C: Less surprising than the Tiane but still, damn! Look at the lower chrome trim, that’s super tasteful!
F: A little bit of sport and that’s it. Oh the REAR!
C: I want it I want iiiiit!
F: Hold on, just speccing an engine… Aw. Yeah, there’s the problem.
C: What?
F: Look at this. There’s a magnificent N/A 5 cylinder, that everybody praises, like literally everybody. Gorgeous sound, great linearity, and to be fair… I kinda looked into it a few months prior because it sounded gorgeous.
C: And… why didn’t youJ?
F: There’s like a 3500€ penalty on it. In fact I’ve read a bunch on this and it turns out that Pajaro pulled a 1970s USA and all the engine they have that have no penalty are apathic 4 cylinders that have a turbo that does nothing…
C: that sounds… yeah you know what, the 1970s USA parallel is pretty spot on…
F: We look somewhere else?
C: We look somewhere else.

And they looked somewhere else. Which you could probably tell by the fact that I made them both say that they were looking somewhere else. And in fact, if you didn’t notice that, you’re probably getting binned a lot for not reading the rules aren’t you.

Harimau New Style @machalel

C: There, I got something.
the Harimau website was open, with an already fully specced New Style minivan that fitted all of their budget requirements
F: Another minivan! It… looks japanese.
C: You mean the overdesigned front end, Civic style?
F: Yeah I meant exactly that. I really like the chrome touches though.
C: Theyre pretty neat… What do you think of the options?
F: Let me see… Yeah it looks alright! 8 speakers, Android Auto… man I’ve seen this in a bunch of cars, what is it exactly?
C: Apparently it’s something that lets you pair your phone and it can basically mirror some of your apps on the center screen. Like your music player, Waze…
F: YOU MEAN. Hold on. You mean I won’t have to stick the lid of my phonecase into the CD player to get Waze?
C: Yes!
F: Fucking AWESOME! Lemme check the rest! What’s the engine? 2.2L 160 like the Tiane, great… But, oh. Man.
C: sheepish grin I know…
F: I think that’s the worse fuel consumption I’ve seen so far… Not to mention it’s probably gonna get worse in real life driving.
C: Pass?
F: Pass.

Christine and Fernand high fived each other as Fernand made it to the computer.

DAAG CS25iw @NiuYorqCiti

F: Man is that isn’t one helluva german way to handle car names… You can literally tell nothing from what it is by reading it unless you know their codes.
C: The car is pretty, though.
F: It is. Looks very aerodynamic, very distinctive, still blends in… Looking good so far!
C: Ooh those leather seats fit the budget!
F: So does that audio upgrade! Android Auto sounds very neat, lemme tell you.
C: What’s the engine again? … Ew, what.
F: Yeah, I know, it’s yet another turbo 2.4L with incredibly low power, probably an USDM engine again…
C: Man, those emission laws really got manufacturers fucked up, right?
F: Right… I mean, if it works, it works, but if we can find cars with smaller engines that still fit the bill and don’t break the bank because the mechanic has to go full “honey I shrinked the 10mm socket” to change our oil…
C: Yeah, let’s look further… Not to mention this one doesn’t have incredible fuel economy to back it up, anything above 5 makes me cringe…

Aight bois, Christine’s turn.

Mundus Virtue @yigitekimdemir

F: Uh…
C: Hey don’t look at me like that, I’m just a buyer, not the designer.
F: Why does it look like a 90s Alfa Romeo
C:… i don’t know… but it~
F: Why does it have shit fuel economy…
C: Hey, it’s got great perfs! Best acceleration we’ve seen so far!
F: Yeah but… still. And the sound system looks cheap even by the description…
C: I mean I thought we were looking fo~
F: Why are the blinkers are from the sixties…
C: Okay, okay! Take the keyboard, find something else!

Anhultz Mimas Stationcar @Elizipeazie

F: See? That’s a nice looking car!
C: … How much time did those guys spent on designing those lights…
F: Who cares? Price is all that matters! And this one fits right in!
C: Okay big boy, tell me what you got for our budget.
F: Android Auto, of course, an upgraded interior with matching tissue on the door panels, 8 speakers… Yeah it’s actually looking pretty good so far, and it’s pretty sippy too!
C: Lemme see? oh yeah, it’s Harada levels of sippy! 140hp, though… Is that enough?
F: It looks… just enough, given the perfs. You know, I think we should keep that one aside.
C: Yeah, just… We have lots of wagons to see, so if one fits the bill better…
F: Yeah, we’ll see…

One rotation later:

Kuma PA @Xepy

C: Hey! Is that a mk5 VW Golf?
F: No it’s a Kuma PA… I know, at first glance, it kinda…
Fernand then switched to rear view
C: Hey! Is that a SAAB?
F: Gott verdammi honey, it’s still the same car.
C: Oh, right… Damn, less than 4m, this is hella small!
F: Super small. I know. But I figured, if we’re looking for economy cars…
C: Yeah… I know, eventually we’re probably gonna need to…
F: And you know, it’s kind of a minivan so it still has the practicality of a wagon… Even the same cargo space!
C: Yeah, if we can make our suitcases stand up in the trunk…
F: Yeah… But hey. The results are there. Best fuel economy so far, 4.5L/100!
C: Yeah that is pretty good… Options list looks reasonable, too. And the engine not farfetched.
F: And it has almost the same acceleration as that Alfa thingy. :3
C: Yeah, okay, I GOT IT. No looking at weird cars anymore.
F: I’m putting that one on the dealership list.

Second finalist chosen. The couple carries on, with Christine at the keyboard.

Shromet Parvus @DoctorNarfy

F: reluctantly huffs
C: Honey, we’re looking for a brand new car in 2018. How long do you think we can escape SUVs?
F: Well apparently not so long… You know what, I cave in. Let’s see what this unnecessary high beast has to offer.
C: It’s pretty good so far. It has… a reasonable fuel economy, I mean, at least for its size…
F: It’s got a lot of power but honestly I think it needs it all…180hp and we’re still within the regular performance territory…
C: I don’t even have to go low on the options list… Heh, look, for that price I can even have a DCT!
F: Oh man, how much are we gonna save up by getting a real gearbox?
C: Let me check! … … Oh. Oh.
F: No manual available?!
C: Are you KIDDING ME?!
F: Oh I bet this is a conspiracy. People are trying to turn our children into ASSISTED LITTLE SHITS!
C: WE WON’T CAVE IN! We’re in FRANCE, for god’s sake! We have our CULTURE! and our culture is MANUAL GEARBOXES! We’re not gonna cave in to that AMERICAN STERILIZED BULLSHIT!
F: WELL SAID! That’s why I love you, honey! Let’s get some McDonald’s and watch NCIS to take a break!
C: Great idea!

And a lunch break later:

SBA Rosales R150 Ciel @z2bbgr

F: Aaaaaah that was some good ole French McDonald’s SIGNATURE™ menu. They even said it was meat from French breeders.
C: Yeah… Man French food really is a thing, am I right?
F: Sure thing honey! Except what the hell is…
C: … Hey you liked the Kuma, so…
F: Yeah but this is a hatch… B segment on top of that, like my coworker’s Fiesta is~
C: Fuck your youngster ass coworker. This gets SUB 4 liter fuel economy.
F: … Okay that does say something.
C: Yeah it does… But now you’re talking about it yeah… our vacation in Italy’s gonna be tough… 410L of cargo…
F: We’re fitting nothing in this.
C: and the performance is kinda… meh. Yeah, you’re right. This would be a great car if Manon got her driving license but…
F: Yeah, we’re gonna get her one, used, in 10 years.
C: got it.
F: My turn, cutie.

FMC Grevio @Flamers

F: Look at that honey, THOSE are some numbers!
C: Oh crap, pin me to the wall and call me La Joconde, 3.7L/100km!
F: Man this is amazing, I don’t think we’re gonna find that anywhere else!
plot twist: they didn’t, this is is literally the best fuel eco of all the 50 entries, y’all can go back home now.
C: Yeah, for sure! But… Oh wait, I think I know how they did it. Look at the wheels!
F: What?.. Oh yeah. They’re so tiny! What’s the tire size? 175?!
C: Damn! … Also I did research… checks smartphone Ah there it is! Yeah we’re looking at a purposely made eco car… There’s some extra cladding who makes it hard for mechanics to work on, chassis is made out of fancy materials… Yeah, the tires, too… Those are some shit compounds, you put anything else on it and the fuel eco reaches 4L territory according to owners…
F: The standard equipment looks like it’s really not much too… probably to save weight… I could option up but then I can’t stay within budget!
C: Screw that. Lemme look somewhere else.

Cavallera Shinai Familiale @ramthecowy uwu

F: Damn sugar, you always go for the lookers don’t you?
C: I just love the way it looks!
F: Yeah… Stylish and distinctive, yet discreet… I love that white too! I mean I really love that white. Tell you what, whatever car we choose, I want it to be white, alright?
C: … Deal… But damn this girl is expensive…
F: Lemme see? … Oh man. You’re right.
C: I’m always right. I’m the woman in the relationship. But yeah… No upgrade possible in either interior or audio, we’re stuck with the black plasic base shit…
F: And we’re barely within budget… What are we paying for, brand image?!
C: Yeah, I guess style has a price after all…
F: disappointed noises
C: Go on, take the keyboard…

Nonus Clairvoyant SB Union @MAX_POWER

F: Regular.
F: … Why are we like this?
C: Because we’re marginals, and we love eachother, and literally every single normal relationship we tried to have with any other person failed, so we’re stuck with each other for eternity.
F: I love you. We should have kids sometimes.
C: We have kids. … BUUUUUUT to stay on subject, yeah, it looks pretty, safe from the weird rear door handle…
F: Apparently it’s one of those weird oversized turbo engines with very little power… looks like we were right about this stuff being a new trend.
C: Yeah but those leather seats fit the budget!
F: Oh, good point! … Still, I wonder why it’s heavy. I mean, it’s heavier than the goddam Shromet SUV we’ve seen before.
C: Yeah I’ve seen that, I’m already looking that up.
After a few seconds, Christine got her answer.
C: … Yeah okay. I think I figured out. Owners complain about fenders rusting off… this bitch is made out of untreated steel.
F: … Abort?
C Abort. Gimme that.

Baiern WagonSport TP20 @Marcus_gt500

F: Is that a BMW?
C: I… No, it’s a Baiern… Pretty close though, you’re right.
F: Lemme see, what did you spec?
C: Leather seats, and the highest audio option! We’re still within budget!
F: Highest audio? Oh damn you’re right! Hermann&Gordon 8 speaker + subwoofer and equalizer system! … Oh.
C: What? What did I miss?
F: Well it’s … kinda old. Doesn’t have anything phone related except vague bluetooth pairing…
C: … Oh my, you’re right. Lemme correct that… tryna find some other audio options…
a few tweaks later.
C: … Yeah okay, you’re right, looks like that car needs an update.
F: Not only this but the engines need tweaking too. They’re compliant but god damn it they drink a lot compared to other cars!
C: Come one, take this keyboard, I’ll pass.

Fuji Clarity @CC9020

C: Oh! Right off the bat, great fuel economy!
F: Yeah! Engine is a bit on the downsized side, 1.7L, 140hp… still reasonable, though! I’m glad it’s not a 1L because I swear, that damn Ford Ecoboost…
C: Calm down… Take another shot, you’re salty…
F: My, you’re right… takes another shot of Schnapps This really calms my mind down…
C: I know, I’ve been feeding you this for years…
F: What?!
C NOTHING! Let’s see the specs!
F: Well… sip I got you average seats and a shit sound system and… Oh wait lemme upgrade this… Nevermind, we’re off budget except with the shit infotainment stuff.
C: Damn… Maybe try another engine?
F: The others are either diesels or non compliant… Oh wait. Even the one I chose, there’s a disclaimer. Coming out next year.
C: Aww…
F: Okay take this keyboard, I think I’m done here.
C: Gotcha. Last one today though, it’s pretty late.

Kasai Garamond @goblin95

C: … so I~
C: I know. But~
C: You know what? I get that you’re mad because you want a manly looking car. But would you just putt your big hairy balls aside for one second and look at the numbers?!
F: SHARONMOBILE… … Wait. God. I never thought I’d say this but you’re right. This is impresive. How does this gets better fuel economy than some heavy ass sedans?
C: So far the only ones that got better are that hatch, that sedan who was purposely build, and that 3.6M small minivan.
F: Yeah okay. I’ll admit it, it’s impressive… But I bet it has no~
C: 152hp out of a 1.8L Turbo engine.
F: … Okay but let me guess: It~
C: Upgraded leather with settable lumbars and hardness, 8 speaker stereo with Android Auto.
F: … but~
C: One thousand euros below budget.
F: … You won. Let’s get this on the list. But can we at least ask the salesman about a trim that doesn’t have shitty plastic bumpers?
C: We sure can… If that makes you happy. … yawns You know what, it’s pretty late, I think we should eat and keep on going tomorrow.
F: yawns the same Best. Decision. Maker. Ever. That’s why I love you.


Guess what guys, it’s 2:15AM, my bottle of Jägermeister is half finished and I just did the math, a three parter first round sounds reasonable.


I don’t think you realzed.
Man am I grateful that so many people had interest in this round, but boy is it a lot of work.
I can’t possibly satisfy all of you but I’ll do my best.

Parts 2 and 3 coming on tomorrow. Both tomorrow if everything goes well. Part 3 sunday if everything goes wrong.

I already chose my 6 finalists so that’s gonna be easy though… coming on sunday for sure.

Cheers guys, please lemme pass tf out now.


I see you’re a man of culture as well.


RiP the Dodge Avenger review, 2013-2018


I would love to hang out with this couple in real life. It seems fun to listen to them talk.


You can hang out with them all you want.
Even become them.
For like, idk less than 20 bucks.


What happened? Coming out next year? ET all checked out, I thought?


Yes… It would be great for her if buy it now… it’s investment for her.
Well, actually I’d love to send my bigger Gracelet but it wouldn’t pass the trim emission, that’s why I’m gone rival with “Twingo”.

BTW, nice writing though.
Also you guys are Cultured for driving manual, and I’m also driving one too (with my old car).


What’s worrying is that I made a more efficient complaint car about 2 days after on the same platform


I don’t mind I got binned, I’m just so glad someone called one of my designs pretty!


Okay. You haven’t gotten to mine yet, but I know you’re going to rip it a new one. I literally tried, half a dozen configurations. I was not able to get a N/A engine of any size below 30.0 emissions, and I was not able to get a 5 or 6 cylinder engine, or any large 4 cylinder under the 37 ET limit. I had a weak engine, so I tried to keep weight down (aluminum). I just want to know how it’s done. WHAT’SINTHEBOOOOOX!


Same here, lol.

@Knightophonix It’s the third time I read all the reviews and I literally can’t help but laugh everytime. I can’t believe how you manage to combine what would be a realistic reviewing while still getting lots of comedy into it. Great work, chief.

(I’m sorry for all of you if I misspelled something, I suddenly woke up after just three hours of sleep and my brain is in full S I C K O M O D E right now.)


Judging - Round 1 - Part 2

Yet another super warm morning, may 26th, 2018, in Diebolsheim. Despacito is still airing on the radio because Topmusic has literally no playlist material. Hmm… when is the Digital Audio Broadcast coming, again?

Anyway, the couple was back on the computer at 10AM, still prospecting for cars, with Fernand at the keyboard.

Esperanza Arianzon Turbo @VicVictory

F: … Not really inspired by this one…
C: Yeah, I mean it’s cohesive but… that’s about it.
F: Oh. But you can spec it with leather seats.
C: Yeah but, meh leather seats…
F: and Android Auto.
C: On a meh screen…
F: … Yeah. I mean those options should tickle my fancy but they just don’t because the car looks so average…
C: What’s the engine?
F: Eeeeeeh it doesn’t really matter, it gets 5.7L/100.
C: Shit, even the fuel economy is meh…
F: That’s it for me.
C: Gimme that, I’ll try something else… let’s look into leboncoin.fr, at least to get inspiration. And see the resale value of cars after like two years.
F: Good idea!

Whiskas Telluride Turbo @conan

C: Oh! OH HONEY! Look what I found!
F: Shiiiiiiiit, it’s my first car!
C: I remember you had one of those! MAn I loved it!
F: I diiiiiid! It was a 2.5D though, sluggish as hell but MAN was it a tank! And this is a Turbo model, everybody wanted them! Look at that neat wing!
C: Maaaan who saved this?! I gotta see the ad! … Yeah, garage kept… Repainted in 2012… Oh, it has a GigaSplurt conversion done to it!
F: Oh, don’t tell me that would mean it actually performs well by today’s standards?
C: Owner says it gets 6L/100, still with its original 166 horses…
F: Daaaaaamn! Why did you show me this, now i want it!
C: I want it tooo! MAn we gotta unlock a budget for a second car. Like, a weekend car that we could have fun with! That would be it… But we do need something with a warranty.
F: HMFFFFFF Why life gotta be like this… Okay, my turn. Enough nostalgia for today.

FM HiWay MPV @Jaimz

C: Okay so uh, is it gonna be a “meh car” day today, or…?
F: Hey, I can spec this one as good as most other cars and it’s still 1000€ under budget!
C: … Okay let’s take a look. Not too close though because god, that chrome is blinding.
F: It’s got decent power, decent cargo but then again it’s a minivan so it should…
C: The rear doors are suicide doors, thats new… Oh. Wait, no. Abort.
F: What?
C: “176nm”…
F: Well that should be enough.
C: "… At 4000rpm. It’s a 1.2L engine with 150hp…
fifteen minutes of salt later, they both calmed down, and it was Christine’s turn on the keyboard.

Neko VX-5 PM BlueTec @Mikonp7

C: Honeyyyyy <3
F: … This is a van, sweetie.
C: But it’s got a nice chrome grille <3 ^w^
F: It doesn’t even fit in the garage.
C: And a BUSE™ sound system :smiley:
F: that I can’t pair my phone with.
C: And can have up to nine leather seats! OwO
F: … But…
C: And it barely drinks more fuel than the minivan you’ve been seeing earlier! :3
F: Honey?
C: Yes? :DDDDD
F: Try all you want. We are not going on vacation with your mom, your brother and your sister.
C: …
F: Busted.
C: Hey, i was worth a shot.
F: Gimme that now.

:b:oulanger 4​:b: Aventure Eco @ElMenduko

F: Well what do you know. I’m the one looking at SUVs now.
C: This one is pretty, though. Look at that taillight assembly!
F: Yeah, it’s real good looking… And you know what, this one does have a manual!
F: FINALLY. Okay so… Damn, I can really option it up! Look at this, leather seats, SatNav… Aw shit, SatNav. No Android Auto…
C: Yeah it’ll sound really good but…
F: Yeah it’ll sound really good when the GPS That I need to update manually with fucking CDs sends me to a road that doesn’t exist anymore after giving me wrong directions for the three hours of the road trip, on which one of them was simply trying to enter the address…
C: … Yeah okay you really make it sound super bad. Shame though, a SUV that gets sub 5L/100 fuel consumption…
F: Well we know it’s a possibility now at least. Just not this one.
C: My turn.

Valta Hanke 1.6T Excellence @Cheeseman

C: I know, right! It’s so good looking all around!
F: Fucking… Faultless. I want it. Please please tell me it’s got good fuel e~
C: Even better than the Boulanger. 4.8L/100!
F: SCORE. Please tell me the engine is not shit!
C: 130hp out of a 1.6L Turbo, good low end torque, about the same acceleration as the Mesaia!
C: Can’t spec leather seats but… The upgraded cloth ones look good, too!
F: Oh my, that’s it. PLEAAAASE tell me it doesn’t have one of those outdated GPS shits and they actually…
C: … sheepish grin
F: No.
C: Ahu.
F: NOOOOOO Fuck! It was too good to be real…
C: Man, I swear. I SWEAR. So close. Hmf…
F: My turn, I say depressingly…

Giuseppe G160³ @undercoverhardwarema

F: Uh…
C: Uh indeed. Maybe it’s… time to stop looking at SUVs, right?
F: This looks like a Nissan Cube that… somehow managed to repeat sophomore kindergarten…
C: It’s…Look honey if we’re looking at SUVs, might as well look at SUVs that are actually practical… Four seats, ridiculous cargo space…
F: Oh this is one of those handbag cars… fancy looking interior with no actual flesh to it and yet another old satnav stuff…
C: And it costs as much as the Hanke?! Yeah, not paying for brand image.
F: Next! gives keyboard to Christine

Kitanishi Revellus 1.8T @Ne0

C: Okay, Kitanishi has a few SUVs but I’m done with them for now, have this instead.
F: It’s pretty… Do they make them in wagons?
C: Uh, maybe? But liftbacks are nice too! You can cram as much stuff into them, they just don’t have the flat floor… and they’re cheaper!
F: This one’s a bit big though… And we still can afford it?
C: We still can afford it, and not just the base model! I can upgrade the seats, and… Yeah no, thats it.
F: So… it’s a goner?
C: Maybe not… Oh go, 4.2L/100!
C: It’s Grevio territory except this one doesn’t have scary small shit tyres, an engine with actual power and… quite frankly it looks better.
F: I’d almost be willing to give it a shit despite not upgrading the infotainment…
C: I am completely willing to give it a shot. Look at that rear!
F: … You know what, let’s do it.

they noted the Kitanishi dealership on the list of places to check out, and went on with their search. Fernand’s turn.

LSV Tristar @LS-Vehicles

F: And baaaaam!
C: Oooh yeah, that looks sporty!
F: That two tone paint, I just cumed pants.
C: Oh, can I see? ^w^
F: IT’S A MEME. No I mean really, damn this is nice! The mirrors are streamlined, it’s stylish, it’s angry, I love it!
C: OOoh check the engine, I bet this has tons of power!
Fernands then went to check the engine section
F: …
C: …
F: Are you fucking serious?!
C: All of this for 115hp?!
F: Even worse, it’s as slow as the Nohda… And what, 180km/h top speed? This is LITERALLY the slowest car we’ve seen yet.
C: The slowest car we’ve seen yet is a SHOOTING BRAKE with an angry paint and an angry front end?!
F: Oh boy I want to be salty about this… IT’S GOT ONE OF THOSE OUTDATED CD UPDATING ASS SATNAVS.
C: Yes you are! takes keyboard from his hands

Hokuto Axia CL Active @On3CherryShake

F: Oh.
C: Oh indeed.
F: I… think we found the most Korean Market car ever.
C: I can hear Gangnam Style in the background just looking at it. The fact that it’s black doesn’t help.
F: But you know what, this kind of assumed styling… I like it.
C: I know, that’s why I’m here! Okay so, engines… 145hp!
F: Out of a 1.5L inline 3, not bad, not bad… where’s peak torque?
C: 2800k… again not bad… but shit. 5.7L/100…
F: Ahwm. Little engine probably trying to push the car too hard, eh.
C: I mean that’s somethign to expect from these downsized engines… It’s probably gonna be even worse in real life too…
F: I’ll pass.
C: Okay, take this. gib keyboard.jpg

Efficace C424w @Watermelon3878

F: There. If you have concrete proof that none of the budget has gone into marketting and naming the car that means it probably has gone in the actual car, right?
C: snorts Yeah, well let’s see that!
F: Flush door handles for aerodynamism, good thinking…
C: Hold on it’s a SEVEN speed manual?
F: … Come to think of it I think the Kuma also had this… didn’t really made me think twice, it’s probably a long ass extra economy gear.
C: … man those emission laws really…
F: … got the car makers fucked up, yeah, you did say that.
C: Oh god, not in this one though, look at the engine, 180hp and 5.7L/100
F: Oh shit, yeah, the perfs! Damn this thing MOVES! 8.5s to 100 and almost 240km/h!
C: It does! … aaaanfhw…
F: Must resist. We gotta stay reasonable… we’re not looking for a weekend car and we’ve already seen some pretty strong contenders for fuel economy…
C: You know what I’ll help you. Gimme that keyboard.

Mondo EB7 @Ezdmn

C: Well there’s something. And it looks hella futuristic.
F: Hella futuristic. Those tiny LED strips for headlights, damn…
C: Gorgeous color, too…
F: Futuristic but the wheels look fancy in a 70s kind of way…
C: Yeah that’s my choice! They call them “Signature Class
F: … Well they look weird.
C: Fight me.
F: Tonight. :3 Herm. Still. lemme see the engine, and stuff?
C: Oh you’re gonna like it. Look at the specs!
F: … Damn.
C: Right?
F: 2.0L, 160hp…
C: AND still peak torque at 2k!
F: And it gets fucking 4.4L/100… Okay this is a fucking masterpiece of engineering. I wanna try it out.
C: Already? Damn. Didn’t even have to tell you about Android Auto and the leather seat option!

Fernand angrily wrote the Mondo dealership on their list and took the keyboard for the next configurator.

JHW Aeterna 1.4ETi @JohnWaldock

C: Small.
F: But stylish.
C: Small.
F: … Okay I was… kinda hoping it would have a wagon option but… welp.
C: Yeah, would have been better. It’s a shame though because that front is cute.
F: Aww. Nope.
C: What?
F: It’s one of those handbag cars again. Small, cute, has an overdesigned interior with barely anything interesting in it and no ergonomy whatsoever, and I’m wondering where the money went.
C: You know, if Manon ends up making make up tutorials on Youtube and put sweaters on her chihuahua, maybe we’ll get her one.
F: Surely we’ll get her one. But right now, take the keyboard.

Wallys GranTourer 1.5 Ecotsutsu™®© @vmo

F: Man look at all the colour options they have! This is Gravel pit teal!
C: Oooh lemme see the others… Nordic penumbra… nice…
F: Forgotten cheese… A bit weird.
C: Eww, Senile camel… Oh but I dig that white tho.
F: Magpie semen? Yeah it looks pretty neat. Okay so, options, options… oh the engine looks pretty cool! Gets 4.3L/100 and all! and… AWWWWW FUCK NO.
C: What? OH it’s one of those brands that think they can get away with selling a car with NO MANUAL GEARBOX OPTION in MUH COUNTRY.

Literally half a hour of salt ensued and that got them so tired they both had to take a nap.
A few hours later, they both wake up and it was Christine’s turn on the computer.

Albatross Pomona @zschmeez

C: Come to think of it… you ever seen an Albatross that wasn’t blue?
F: … you ever seen an occasion for which Albatross didn’t have a car?
C: Hey… no, actually… And this one, well… pretty promising so far. I can option it up to leather and Android Auto, it still gets pretty good fuel economy and IT’S A MANUAL, DAMNIT.
F: Calm down honey we can’t afford to sleep more today…
C: Sorry, sorry… So yeah, very promising! Lemme get picture of the tr…
F: … What?
C: Look at the interior view. Four seats, and a big ass central console with no seatbelt.
F: … How the f…
C: And you can’t fold them back… And cargo size is ridiculous…
F: Who the fuck make a wagon and takes away litearlly all the practicality from… Ugh. I swear.
C: Next?
F: Next. Gimme that.

Aplex Impasta 1.9 Turbowagon @Traviq_125

F: Well that’s one busy front alright.
C: Yeah, gives me SUV vibes… somehow…
cue the switch to the rear view
C: Oh man… The rear looks like it’s been crashed but… from the factory.
F: … I guess we can park it backwards against the wall…
C: I think we can get rear ended and nobody can tell the difference…
F: Shame though, because it’s got a decent list of options but… Look, if it had incredible performance, with incredible fuel economy and leather seats on top of that, I could perhaps cope with the looks but… here it’s just average.
C: … Yeah, nah. Same here. My turn. One last, because I think I’m burning out right now.

Norvest 155h @R30hedron

F: … It looks bloated.
C: Yeah… Didn’t expect people in 2018 to still make cars that look that round… And we got two of them in a row.
F: It does look a bit outdated… except the headlights, those LEDs are a nice touch.
C: Do you think they messed up the rear on this one too? she clicks on the rear picture
F: … Yeah they uh. kinda did. Not as ugly as the Impasta but… yeah, no.
C: Hmmfff… Wait, it’s an inline 6?
F: Oh, that’s interesting. What does it get? … Hey, pretty good fuel economy… and nice sound too, I bet.
C: Probably has the service costs that go with it…
F: Awww look it’s got one of them old ass satnavs too… and I have literally no energy left to be salty.

C: Screw it. Let’s get some pizza and pass out.

Aight that’s it for part 2, part 3 incoming.


Japanese LOL but I’ll take the instabin. Fuel Eco not my strongsuit, I figured 41 MPG would be good haha


Didn’t realise how bad my economy in l/100KM was , looked ok in MPG (uk) but I guess I’m not the judge so we’ll see.


There was no possible way (I think) of making a engine powerfull which would still have the required low emissions