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The 1966 Great Archanian Trek


Team Sechsmötörigewildsaü - Day 0

When the team came, most of the competition was still there on the parking lot, awaiting the start.
The place smelled of good home made BBQ, leaded fuel. There was an amateur orchestra in charge of the animation, and they were playing “I got you babe” by Sonny and Cher. While Jean-Martin was both checking the levels of the Mesaia and cooking the côtes de porc at the same time, Xavier took a stroll in the parking to check on the competition.
And get this, he was enthusiatic when he started.
But… He came back… half devastated to say the least.

Xavier: Heyyy Seppi.
Jean-Martin: Was esch’s?
Xavier: Gott verdammi, have you seen thosssse kars? I think we’ve chosen ze frong kompetitor.
Jean-Martin: Dü äff, we have the :b:erfect car. It’s light, versatile, it’s relatively new and it…
Xavier: hàlt d’Gosch, have you seen them?! It looks like eferybody came with V8s and all. Look at this. Purpose built offroaders, lift kits, wide-arsch tires… We’rehere wit a klorified compakt car.
Jean-Martin: Yooo Düüüü. Relax now. Here, two Merguez are ready, I can make you a sandw~

Jean-Martin was interrupted by Xavier pulling him towards the parking, leaving the barbecue unattended.
The two of them took a stroll… one more forced than the other, through the cars that were there. Jean-Martin couldn’t really say anything cuz Xavier, well…

Xavier: Komm with me! I mean look at this one! And this one! It even says SAVAGE on it! And the TSR, oh gott. Look at those tires! Oh jeeee, the Keika on solid axles… Why didn’t we do this?!
Jean-Martin: … y-yeah… But ours will last! Right?.. and… and it’s not that bad! Look at the Rhino… oh gott I remember when these came out… hehe… They came with 4 cylinders, we’re not alone!

That’s when the Hartcourt-Entwhistle team decided to pop the hood of their car, revealing the engine swap.
Neither Xavier or Jean-Martin said anything for a few seconds, until they both turned around and said in unison

“Oh gott give us strength.”

The sausage, in the meantime, were burnt to a crisp, of course.



PAWOON: Well, look what a mix of cars, I think that there is everything from souped up lawn tractors to…well, professional teams like…ours.
CHANDAWANG: Yeah, there is an amateur class and then there is a professional class…
PAWOON: If we only could have been as professional as we wanted to. They said that we had to enter with a stocker for publicitys sake. Some of those things are equipped to climb mountains at mach 3! We have…well, two seats and a steering wheel.
CHANDAWANG: We are arriving here to win the race, not to join the circus. What do you trust more? A vehicle that have been proved to be one of the best by our beautiful countrys army or some, like you say, glorified lawn tractor, where a 16 year old have saved his lunch money to buy even more unnecessary stuff that can break to bolt on it.
PAWOON: Well, if we’re going to die in the desert it is at least not because of your lack of self-confidence.
CHANDAWANG: And lack of self-confidence doesn’t win races, right?
PAWOON: Neither do crappy cars.
CHANDAWANG: Promise to strap yourself in hard now, I will show you what this crappy car will do and I don’t want to hear a single complaint afterwards!!!



Welcome all viewers, to the start of this great spectacle – no doubt it will be; the very first Great Archanian Trek!

My name is Allistair Duncan, and together with former race driver Konrad Kohlmann, I’ll be covering this event from the ground and from the air. We’ll be supported by the organisation – sponsored by PMI LLC Holding – a reason the brand is not competing – who will give us updates from the checkpoints and EHBO stations on route.

This is the Freedom and Tolerance Square of Archania, the capital of Archana, whose great and benevolent ruler, Did Mani Adaemou - 26 years in power now without any opposition whatsoever - who also have to thank for being the kind host of this event.

Currently going on is the review of the cars by the judges, and there’s already some controversy to report. Not all entrants had the regulations seats installed – despite multiple warnings. Luckily, rather than deciding on a disqualification, regulation seats have been made available, and so some teams are currently changing out the seats of their cars.

Let us walk around and see what else is going on… Anything we notice Konrad?

Jah, Allisteer! Ze look of the Bogliq and Cossack is wery… how I say… authentic. Sturdy as brick. Also ze TSR and Keika could be grosse fun. Zey looks like ze rocketships.

Thank you, Konrad. Meanwhile I am noticing the Epoch M30. Aah, stately and nimble as a country mansion in Derbyshire, clearly they didn’t have regulation seats and equipment installed – they are far from the only ones, but Lord Thomilson does not look happy. A blemish for his lordship. Still that seems nothing compared to the Puttzalong Inglese. What is going on there? Seats obviously as well, but also something that looks like… an old phonograph installation that is coming out? What were they thinking dragging that thing along?

There the angry faces of Make and Viljame in front of their LSV Buccaneer. They come from up North, where people drive in snow and don’t bother with family names. Let’s hope they know how to deal with loose sand for their sake.

Oh, some commotion. The BM Feather, a quaint little thing in appearance – but quite rushed together by the looks of it – is missing an antenna. That’s bad for the drivers – who shall remain unnamed – but the Caliban Thunder is standing just next to it and Joshua Morgan is clearly shouting and gesticulating at his driver. I hear something along the lines of “that BM… real men”, “improvisation, not call for mom…”. Oh, owww… did he? He did. He pulled of the antenna of the Caliban… It looks like they’ll be without for this race. They better don’t break down, unless Morgan is really confident in himself. Let’s hope that the team survives, because Alec Henry is looking something between defeated and less than pleased already.


Awww I knew I was forgetting something. Oh well, this will give me some rp ideas at least, hopefully :sweat_smile:

Edit: the promised RP.

The race is about to begin. Alec is starting the Thunder up while Joshua comes back from checking the competition out.

Joshua: “Mate, did you check these guys in the BM? No antenna, they have some big balls.”

Alec: “So? Why does it matter?”

Joshua rips the antenna off of the Caliban, placing it in the bed.

Joshua: “You see, having it easy is not my bowl of rice. We’re doing this the hard way.”

Alec was shocked. He nearly grabbed something to try and hit Joshua with, but did not manage to gather the courage. Instead, he let his head hit the wheel, not knowing if he should cry or laugh out of pure stress. Joshua opened the passenger door, jumping in.

Alec: “Why. Just why.”

Joshua: “I told you, you need to learn how to improvise. Get going, race is about to begin.”

Alec placed the manual gearshift in first gear and creeped towards the starting line, placing the tiny Thunder between bulky dedicated offroaders.

Joshua: “We’re in disadvantage. Just the way I like it. Hopefully more dangerous than the GAFA to spice it up too.”

To be continued.


The Hurry Squad, day 0:

Teodor and Clive are standing among the lined-up entrants, arms crossed and with slightly miffed expressions. From a little distance they watch as a couple of visibly befuddled competition officials take two items out of their van that bear an eerie resemblance to victorian armchairs and replace them with bucket seats.

Teodor: Are we going to sit in these for the whole trek?

Clive: Seems that way - damn, two or three hard bumps in these and we’ll probably end up paralyzed from the lumbar down!

Teodor: Yeah - weird notion of “safety” these Archanians have for sure…

[Man - had I paid better attention I could have afforded two additional forward gears and a bigger engine…:sweat_smile:]


Giuseppe was speaking to the judge: “You see this gold watch. Real gold. Genuine antique. All I’m asking is that you let me have my comfort. It’s a fair trade. I get my player, you get this valuable, shiny trinket.”
The judge just looked back at him with a blank expression on his face, then blinked, and pointed his thumb at the tent where there was a small pile of seats and a few… UGH!, “basic” radio sets.

And, with that, both Guiseppe and Arturo got to work removing the now-illegal equipment they had fitted to their Inglese.


Stage 1: Archania – Fazo

Sector 1 and 2:

Sector 1 - Archania – Ziffa

A relatively fast part, starting at the presidential palace of Archania, the capital of Archana, driving out of the boulevards until you reach the Zambeza-river, at which points, the cars turn offroad in the direction of Ziffa, the town at the base of the Achra-volcano.

Sector 2 - Ziffa - Black Sands Lake

A steep climb from Ziffa up the volcano, dodging sharp black vulcanic rock that can shred your tires to bits. The checkpoint is at the huge lake that forms the caldera of the volcano.

My name is Allistair Duncan, and we are off! And so am I, in the helicopter I’ll be using the follow the trail. Konrad will be in the other helicopter providing back-up and I am in contact with out people at the checkpoints.

The Cossack has the honour of opening the Trek, and it – slowly – sets off this great event. The Sakura-Mathews America Factory Team’s ‘Empress’ is second, and drama almost immediately when at the very first turn the car goes straight and comes within millimetres of hitting a photographer! People look shocked, the car looks wedged stuck on some stairs; this is a truly horrible start!

I wonder it is ze driver error or if ze car is bad, Allisteer.

Yes Konrad, that is indeed the question here, are they dealing with a defect or were it nerves playing up? In any case, the Empress will need some time to get back on the road.

O mein gott, was ist das?

That, Konrad, is insanity. And it’s called the Sinistra Savage, a front-wheel drive muscle car. It humps and heaves while leaving the line, as if its front wheels are arms desperately clawing for grips while stumbling into a ravine. Luke Sinistra himself behind the wheel and looking determined. Co-driver Mark Jasper, despite being more experienced in racing, looking decidedly scared.

Another massive muscle car, Ardent Chesapeake GT Rally, starts the Trek, smoke bellowing from under the hood…

Ze organisation told me ze Ardent has no exhaust. It is for reasons.

Not sure it that is going to gain them any advantage to have the exhaust smoke coming out of literally everywhere…

What else is noticeable at the finish-line? The engine noise of the Bramble Flint , deafening when it took off, and the BM Feather sounding like an F1 car really. For a while, at least, since the BM pulled over about 500 meters further, after a bang and losing its exhaust system, with driver and co-driver getting out looking puzzled. Some repairs already seem in order…

Let’s see if anything is happening further into the sector.

We’re flying above the SOCAUT Pyrénées from Team Pyrénées at the moment and that engine does not sound right at times, but so far they are not slowing down. But oh, what is that in the distance near the bridge over the Zambeza-river? A three-car pile-up – I presume they did not agree on who could go on the bridge first…?

Ze cars involved look to be ze  Epoch M30, ze Pengting Torra, and ze RM Skylight

It’s hard to tell from here who’s to blame, but the damage looks significant. The Epoch is on its roof, half in the water, the Penting looks like it has broken its steering and the RM is smoking from a broken radiator. At least no one looks seriously hurt from here, they are losing time shouting at each other though. Let’s hope they can get their cars on the road again.

In the mean time we’ve got information that the first cars are passing the first checkpoint! Alphabetically, the top ten currently exists out of:

ACA RoadCruiser 440 PI SO
Ardent Chesapeake GT Rally
Bramble Flint Chert
Bruce’s Loose Nut Jar
Keika I Safari
KMC Avventurer
Ligrani La Follia
Sinistra Savage Concept
SOCAUT Pyrénées V8
TSR Ultra Rally Safari Edition

Also from out colleagues at the check point: there’s a patch of white sand on the road next to the checkpoint and they tell is the LSV Buccaneer spun out and ended up in the ditch 200 meters before the check point, dropping down some positions.

Let’s fly over to the second sector, with the old volcano to be climbed by our adventurous racers. The climbing on the difficult underground is causing immediate problems for the old Bogliq, which clearly overheating. Team There and Back Again will have to stop for a while.

Ist ein Moldavian box on ze wheels. I give zem no chance for this Trek.

Now, now, Konrad that’s a bit harsh, a little bit of overheating is not the worst that can happen.

Here’s the FAAL Mesaia almost losing control, but managing to scramble back of a dangerously steep embankment. A light, and I dare-say sensible, front-wheel car.

Not like ze Sinistra.

No, Konrad, not like the Sinistra. And ooh, less luck there for the Ninomiya Evron Coupe, they seemed to have hit a rock hard which shredded a tire and threw the car on its side. I hope they can repair that without losing too much time.

A bit further the IP Brigadeer and Ponni Weekend, both briefly stopped on the side of a trail, looking for issues in the engine. It looks the Ponni at least can get going nearly immediately again, but cutting of the route of the Ferreira Family Crashing Team’s car, which clearly hit a big boulder with a bang to the underside of the car. They are not stopping, but we heard the stone upon metal even from up here.

We are close to the Lake and second checkpoint now, and there seems to have been another incident between two cars! The JHW Sparrow and the Deer And Hunt look like they’ve pushed each other off two sides of a steep embankment, both string to speed up a small trail with smoother surface. It looks like both cars have issues getting unstuck from between sharp rocks. This will not do either of them any good.

I am curious for ze standings.

So am I, Konrad! Let us hear which cars are still in the top ten! Sector 2 checkpoint, please inform.

Top ten, alphabetically, consists out of:

ACA RoadCruiser 440 PI SO
Ardent Chesapeake GT Rally
Bramble Flint Chert
Bruce’s Loose Nut Jar
Caliban Thunder ‘Scafell’
Keika I Safari
KMC Avventurer
Sinistra Savage Concept
SOCAUT Pyrénées V8
TSR Ultra Rally Safari Edition



No but really I figured my car would detonate off the start or something.


A perfect summary! :3


sound of two alsacians shitting themselves almost rolling over


Top 10! There we go :grin:


Overheard from the team camp (in a strong British accent): Penting? RM? Who are these amatures who don’t understand the rule of the road! Bah! Where has sportsmanship and honour gone to in this modern era!

Ooc: seriously, which ones are these? I can’t figure out.



And Pengting.


Overheard: Ahh just as I thought, scamps trying to zip around without watching their surroundings. Everyone knows that smaller craft give way to the larger!

Softer voice: um sir, I think that only applies for boats and ships…

First voice: Of course it must also apply to these automobiles! Why I have a mind to go down to those two camps and give them a right talking to!


Team There and Back Again: On our way to Fazo!

Freedom and Tolerance Square, Archania

Team Bio

Day One, Stage One

Sector One

As Steve and Chris pulled up to the starting line, they couldn’t help but wonder at the myriad array of weird and wonderful machines entered into the great Archanian Trek. Maybe they too felt the adventurous pull of history in the making or maybe they thought they could make money from coming first… Either way, the result was the same; determined looking cars and more determined looking men!

The start was most exciting. The Cossack had the honour of starting first, then it was a barely controlled free-for-all as each team tried to outdo the previous teams burnouts. When it came time for Steve to go, he just simply drove off, no crazy antics, because the GPDV wasn’t very powerful and he didn’t want to push the old girl too hard on her first outing.

The first sector of stage one was an uneventful one for TaBA with a relatively easy sealed road run, followed by a reasonably easy off-road track, headed towards Ziffa. On arrival at Ziffa they completed the checkpoint, well behind the rest, and headed up the volcano.

The second sector of stage one saw team TaBA hit their first snag; the steep climb overtaxed the GPDV’s cooling systems and the motor began to overheat. On the first flat section they could find the team parked up the old Bogliq and let her cool down. The guys then took it easier on the motor, with frequent rest breaks, but team TaBA weren’t breaking any land speed records anytime soon!

Overall Position: Dunno, probably last!

Thoughts so far: Forgot about perfecting the cooling and gearing setup. Now being punished for the oversight!


Team Harcourt-Entwhistle

Elizabeth: George dear, where are the nice seats I picked out for this infernal journey?

George: Sorry darling but the organizers said that I had to remove them but I didn’t want to upset you.

Elizabeth: So, you’re telling me that, I left the children at home to come on this “adventure” and I have to sit on these horrendous death-traps?

George: Sorry darling. I’ve brought you a cushion.

Elizabeth: I think it’s rude for the organizers to tell us this now!

George: Well actually Elizabeth, I removed them weeks ago.


George: Harcourt-Entwhistle darling, we hyphenated our surnames don’t forget.
And could you keep your voice down please. It’s rather unpleasant for a commissioned officer in Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth’s armed forces to be scolded by his wife in front of strangers.

Elizabeth: Sorry dear. This cushion isn’t as comfy as the seats I chose but I suppose it will have to do. So what chance do we have?

George: Well, looking at the competition……I’d have to say we’re in bad shape. If we get to some seriously bad terrain then we’ll be in better shape than some of the others but in a straight fight we’re beaten.

Elizabeth: Well I guess it’s a good excuse for us to have some alone time. It’s difficult with you being away a lot and then having the children when you are home. I’ve decided that I’m going to enjoy this.

George: I’m going to enjoy it to darling. Should we sally forth and make a start?

Elizabeth: Yes dear, I feel that we should.

With that, George started the car, engaged first gear and raised his foot off the clutch. The car lurched towards the startline. Once the trek was underway the Franklin Rhino lumbered away watching as the competition disappeared in a cloud of dust and petrol fumes.


…fucking Westerners.

“Death-traps”, they say, “paralyzing” they say, “horrendous”, they say. No respect for the Archanian culture at all. Menelaus and Cardiel did read the news. The king blessed the bucket seats himself. No way anyone was gonna die in these.

The Cossack TT2500 drove past an Epoch on its roof. The drivers were still alive, if a tad angry. See, they just proved the point. The king’s blessing protected them.


To make things more clear for RP I have some questions…

  1. When this story ended, the Brigadeer was still stuck with engine problems?
  2. It’s not out of the race yet?


I’m writing sector 3 and 4, will be up in a bit. Sector 5 and the finish of the full Stage 1 also coming.


Aha, good. I’ll wait for you to finish then before posting what’s happening in (or outside of) the Mamayan crackerbox.