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The Car Shopping Round (Round 64): Tears in Heaven


forgot to mention that my car is actually OUR car
me and @Rk38 :stuck_out_tongue:


What a wonderful marketing blabbering :smiley:


So Maesima is Mazda, but Mitaishi is… Subaru?


It sounds very similar to Mitsubishi, and considering that they concentrate mainly on SUVs nowadays, it doesn’t seem very surprising.


I feel I should post a status update so you guys don’t think I took your cars and ran. :joy:

I have 17 reviews finished so far, and I expect to get the rest done and posted before the weekend ends.

Also, I edited all the materials on the Vivaro body, and it loads fine now, but @JohnWaldock’s submission throws an error on the details tab and won’t display numbers there. All other tabs are fine. Anyone have any ideas as to what’s wrong?


The issue is that the Vivaro body has no tags. Add this to the .lua to fix it:

Tags = {

(might as well add it to the cargo variant as well so you get them for both from here on out)


okay imma spill the beans
that ad is inspired by this also blabbering shit. except that we took it a bit further :stuck_out_tongue:



like the creator doesn’t know what kind of car he want to make. what’s the identity/classification of the car


I’ll go further and say we drew from the press releases for a number of crossovers including this gem from Toyota for the C-HR

Also some influence in design and general oddness from the Kia Stonic and Hyundai Kona.

But Mitsubishi takes the cake not only with their bizarre categorisations and press statements on the Expander.

But the complete sacrilegious travesty that is the Eclipse Cross which they do genuinely compare the design with a powerful athlete and seriously expect us to believe it’s some type of SUV coupe.

Here’s the whole press release for you to enjoy


Okay, I have finished the reviews!
I apologize that some of them ended up shorter than others.

I’m sad to see that I had to pass on quite a few vehicles because of over-stressed engine components. I ignore the commonplace valve float tag that doesn’t actually affect anything, but when I see con rods or pistons in the yellow… that’s a fail in my book; especially when accompanied by the rod-knock sound effect after testing.

After a few nights of research on the internet, Viktor gave up and decided that the best research is hands-on research. Come the weekend, he would make a trip into the city, to a “dealer lane”; a couple of streets full of automotive dealers. Saturday morning came, and Viktor got into his Buhanka and made the long trip into the city.
And so his quest began.

Viktor drove into the city, and soon found the location he was looking for. It was easily recognizable by the large logos on top of the roofs. “So many different companies”, he thought… somewhat relieved that the automobile industry is still thriving. Maybe he’ll be able to find what he’s looking for after all.

He found a parking spot for his Buhanka, and continued on foot. The first dealer on the lot happened to be a brand by the name of Bogliq, and so he started there.

@HighOctaneLove - Bogliq Caravan Overlander

As Viktor entered the Bogliq dealership, he noticed that all the vehicles on display are of the same light blue color. This amused him… he thought that it is an interesting display. An employee walked up to Viktor and asked if he needed any assistance. Viktor told him of his plight, and the man walked over to a vehicle named the Caravan Overlander and said “this is what you’re looking for”. As the man was listing off the vehicle’s capabilities, Viktor inspected the vehicle, and found her rather attractive. A fairly simple, but very formal looking design; just to his taste for a modern car. He was especially fond of the rear of the vehicle.
Viktor’s initial reaction was very positive, especially upon hearing that she had a good old part-time four wheel drive system and manually locking differentials, as well as a 6 speed manual transmission. He opened the hood, and saw a large 3.75L inline-6, that was also turbocharged and intercooled. Viktor is a man who respects technological progress, but is paranoid and cautious at heart. The turbine and intercooler add more failure points, and he has concerns about the long term exploitation of his vehicles in the roughest conditions most cars will ever see. The interior had 8 seats; just a single seat less than his Buhanka, but he expected better quality materials for a modern car.

Viktor decided to take a test-drive, and after signing some paperwork he fired up the smooth running, whisper-quiet inline-6 and drove around the block. The engine had lots of power down low, but the turbocharger prevented an easily predictable power curve. “This might be difficult to cope with in the muck”, he thought. The ride was smooth and comfortable. He drove back to the dealership, pleased with his first test drive of the day. Viktor told the dealership that he might be back later.

@BobLoblaw - Petoskey Stasera

Viktor walked next door to the Petoskey dealership. A well-dressed man came up to him, and Viktor told the man that he is looking to replace his Buhanka. The man showed Viktor the Petoskey Stasera; a seemingly typical minivan with a roof-rack on it. Viktor thought it was a fine looking vehicle with an impressive, well-designed engine, but noticed that the dealer, while mentioning of the Stasera’s off-road capabilities, said it was a front-wheel drive only vehicle. Viktor knows that even the most burly all wheel drive SUVs sold today often get stuck in the places he drives through, so this will simply not do. Viktor thanked the dealer for his time, but told him that he needs a more capable vehicle.

@abg7 - Fleet Industries Ox

Viktor paid the Fleet Industries dealership a visit next. A man gave Viktor prompt service, and Viktor told him about his situation. The man recommended the Ox. Viktor thought the odd stubby van isn’t the most attractive vehicle he’s ever seen… but ultimately appearance isn’t that important for his needs. Viktor applauded the tried and true construction, with classic part-time all wheel drive and manually locking differentials. Viktor opened the hood, and saw an interesting sight. The engine looked as if it was taken out of a Japanese hatchback; an all aluminum 2L inline-4 with variable valve lift and timing. Viktor knew that all these systems would allow such a small engine to make decent power at all engine speeds, but he couldn’t help but worry about how well such an engine would hold up to the decades of abuse that his Buhankas did. The coated low-friction pistons worried him too. He noticed the van used different sized front and rear tires. That could be a headache for fleet replacement, he thought, but it didn’t worry him too much; since he only needed 6 cars.

Viktor decided that the Ox deserves a test drive. He signed the required paper-work, and hopped in. The interior had average-looking cloth seats, and eight of them too; a fine design indeed. The small engine sounded strained with the long first gear, but the smooth, linear power band impressed him. The transistion between the cam lobes was noticable only by the sound of the engine. Viktor drove around the block a few times and returned to the dealership. He was pleased enough to consider the Ox an option. He told the dealership that he would return. As Viktor walked away, he looked back at the Ox, and was concerned about how well she would do off-road because of her long wheelbase.

@Madrias - Dynamite HC-6

Viktor entered the Dynamite dealership, and was greeted by a well-dressed man. Viktor told the man that he is looking for a van to replace his Buhanka. The man recommended the HC-6. Viktor was surprised by the unusual appearance of the van. “It’s like a giant green fly is looking at me… but at least I’ll never be left in the dark when a lightbulb burns out with so many headlights.” he thought. Viktor was impressed with the detailing on the front bumper; it was a work of art, he thought. Viktor stepped back to take in just how massive this vehicle was; with room for 9 and still having more than enough room for some “under the table” cargo delivery at the same time. Unfortunately, all that cargo-room results in a long wheel-base, and a very large over-hang that is bound to get caught on something. Even worse was that it was only rear-wheel drive, and had a viscous limited-slip differential instead of a locking one… that just wouldn’t do for the mud and snow he’s been through in his life. The final nail in the coffin was that he remembered reading on the internet about these engines being known for their piston-failures.


Next, Viktor went to the LLA dealership, and told an employee about his situation, and Viktor was offered to take a look at the J85x4. The man told Viktor about the van’s long history, and mentioned certain key points that interested him. The van had a good-old part-time 4x4 system with manually locking differentials. She was equipped with a six speed manual. The engine has a billet steel crankshaft; something Viktor has never heard of being used outside of race cars. Viktor walked around the van and noted that it had very short overhangs; and that’s very good. Ground clearance seemed very good for a unibody too. He felt styling of the rear of the van was very odd though; like someone tacked on the tail-lights from a sports car. Maybe the billet steel crank came from a sports car too; he thought. Viktor opened the slidling door and saw 9 seats with a little space left over for luggage. Viktor wanted to take a test drive. After the requisite paperwork was signed, he set off.

Viktor started up the J85x4 and was surprised at how smooth the 2.0L inline-4 felt. “Must be the high-quality internals”, he thought. Viktor found the engine’s dynamics mediocre though. The engine made a little more power than he’s used to, but mostly at the high-end, afterwhich the rev-limit hit abruptly. The engine didn’t make a lot of power under 3,000rpm, and the only thing saving that situation was the 6-speed’s the very short gears. viktor thought the engine must have been out of a car that LLA must have re-used for this van. Driving over a speed bump, Viktor was surprised at how little energy was transfered to the body of the van… but was a little concerned that the soft rear suspension would sag when the van is heavily loaded. After a few laps around the block, Viktor returned to the dealership, and told the staff that he’ll be back later. Viktor’s final thoughts were “with a little suspension and engine tuning, that’d be a great van”.


Just beside the LLA dealership stood the Fahrzeug dealership, and that’s where Viktor went next. Viktor received prompt attention, and after a short chat the employees recommended that Viktor take a look at the Fahreug V2 van, in Offroad Edition trim. Viktor immediately smiled, seeing the cab-over body style that he’s so accustomed to. He loved the styling of the front, but felt that the rear of the vehicle wants to eat him. He opened the doors, and saw eight seats with fairly nice upholstery, and a decently sized area for cargo too. Viktor wanted to take a look at the engine, but was confused at the lack of a hood, or a removable panel between the driver and passenger seat. Then a chill ran up his back… the engine’s in the back, isn’t it?.. and yes it is. Viktor wasn’t ready for this turn of events, and stood there scratching his head. “Huh” he exclaimed… “that’s interesting… I’ve got to drive this thing”. Viktor signed the paperwork, and was handed the keys. He took them with some hesitation; as this was something all new to him.

Viktor started up the large, turbocharged 2.6L inline-4 with archaic pushrods that promised surprisingly good fuel economy. Viktor was greeted by a noticeable rumble… “feels kind of like my old Buhanka”, he thought. He gave the engine some throttle and off he went. Viktor was surprised at the great amount of traction he had with just the rear wheels being driven, but was still very worried about getting stuck in the mud. The power-curve of the engine left him thinking about the rapid power increase as a turbocharger spools over a relatively small range of RPM; that might make finding the proper mud-crawling speed difficult. The engine’s rev-limiter cut power abruptly too; not a pleasant feeling, but he wouldn’t be keeping her pegged in the mud either. Turbochargers and intercoolers add more potential failure points as well; something Viktor was always paranoid about as he regularly drives through remote areas. Viktor returned to the dealership, and forfeited the keys. Viktor really wanted to like this van… but the fear of being stuck with just two driven wheels was too great for him; even with the great traction during acceleration that a rear-heavy car contributes to.


With the great feeling of successfully driving a rear-engined vehicle and not dying in the process, Viktor went to the SCM dealership next. Viktor told the staff his story, and an employee said that he had just the car; the “SCM Blin”. After copious amounts of cyka blyat and verbal sex with someone’s mother, he told Viktor that it is named the Klin, not the Blin. Viktor chuckled, and said he’ll be the one deciding if it is a Blin or a Klin. As Viktor approached the vehicle, he thought “wow… what a body… the Klin is a fitting name for that chiseled nose” Viktor opened the doors and was somewhat disappointed seeing only 6 seats, and of fairly low quality upholstery at that, but I suppose corners had to be cut somewhere with such a low asking price of $12,300. The cargo area wasn’t too large either, but this was a smaller vehicle than some of the others, so it is to be expected. Smaller size, means less weight, and potentially better off-road performance, he thought… something which he feels is greatly sacrificed in modern vehicles. The Blin Klin stood tall, and had a traditional 4x4 system with manually locking differentials; all good. Viktor opened the hood and saw a reliable and economic Japanese made engine. Viktor called for a test drive and signed the required paper-work.

Viktor fired up the Blin Klin’s Mitsushita powerplant and set off. Viktor found the engine’s dynamics satisfactory, but again was irritated by the early rev-limiter that most of these new cars seem to have. The transmission was a 5-speed manual, and the shifts felt smooth and precise. The ride felt a bit rough and cheap, although somewhat sporty and fun for a van. The front brakes felt strained and underpowered too. When a car pulled out in front of him and Viktor had to brake hard, his suspicion was confirmed; the front brakes are too weak to lock the front tires even on an empty van. That was concerning. Viktor returned to the dealership and said that he might return later… but he felt that the designer of that van ate too many blins and took too many klins to the brakes of an otherwise fine van.

Speaking of Blins; Viktor decides that it’s time to take a break and get something to eat.


After a quick lunch, Viktor continues his quest and visits the Americar dealership across the road. The whole building was painted in red, white, and blue colors; the colors of both our nations’ flags. Inside he found taxidermy eagles, and replicas of old western revolvers and lever-action rifles on the walls. He saw lassos and bull horns too, and even a jackalope bust. As Viktor was taking in the sights, a man wearing a cowboy hat, denim jacket, blue jeans, and rattlesnake-skin boots came up to him and said “Privet” with a thick Texas accent. Viktor replied with “Howdy” in an equally thick Russian accent. The two seemed to be able to communicate using a mixture of Russian and English, and the man showed Viktor the Americar Freedom V8-25. Viktor was astounded by the size of the vehicle. It was bigger than a Gaz 66!. Viktor thought “I knew that America was a country of excess, but this is just ridiculous”. When the Cowboy mentioned that the engine is a 10.9 litre V8, Viktor had to ask again. Yes, Viktor heard right, and he held his head as if he was in pain. “This thing is going to eat more fuel than an Ural-375”, he thought. The Cowboy described how good the Freedom was for “muddin” with its traditional body on frame construction, part-time four wheel drive, and manually locking differentials… but Viktor was a little skeptical of its capabilities because of the vehicle’s long wheelbase and very long rear over-hang. Not to mention the vehicle’s earth-bending mass. Nevertheless, Viktor decided that he must have a test-drive of this monster, at least for the experience.

Viktor gestured with his hands turning a steering wheel in the air to the Cowboy-dealer, and the man left, and then came back with a clipboard of paperwork. Viktor filled out all the forms, and he was handed a pair of keys with a keyring resembling bull testicles cast in zinc.
Viktor picked up the keys with two fingers and an outstrectch arm, and climbed into the Freedom-mobile. With plenty of grunting; Viktor was inside. He remembered the grannies that needed help getting into his Buhanka because of that process. Inside, Viktor found two bench-seats, that seemed to be less comfortable than the 60 year old bench at his local train station. He also didn’t find a radio, something that even his historic Buhanka had. Viktor inserted the key, and started up the beast, leaving the zinc testicles swinging from the steering column as the engine rocked the whole vehicle during start-up. The engine was oddly quiet, but he felt like he was riding a tractor because of the engine’s sheer rotating mass. He shifted into the first of only four gears, and set off… feeling like he should have broken a bottle of champagne on this truck before sending her out into the city. The dealer ramp was blocked by someone, so Viktor decided to just drive off the curb into the road, and Viktor’s ass did not thank him for that. The ride was as stiff and rough as on a military truck, and the thin, cheaply uphostered bench seat did nothing to cushion it. The massive engine did not feel very fast either, with just four long gears. As Viktor came to a red light, he applied the brakes… and felt nothing but a gritty brake pedal. He almost nailed the car in front of him. Viktor had enough, and returned to the dealership. Viktor left the dealership telling the Cowboy that “this is whole pizdetz”.


Viktor entered the Smooth dealership; where he saw the Arctom 4x4 on display. The body style and paint reminded him of a famous British vehicle. Viktor thought the rear of the vehicle was a nice classic design; while the front was futuristic. An employee saw that Viktor was inspecting the Arctom, and came to assist with some information. The Arctom is built upon a traditional ladder frame chassis, but with independant suspension on all corners. It has part-time four wheel drive, and manually locking differentials. Ground clearance looked impressive, with the rear differential out of the way compared to traditional live-axles. She is powered by a large, all-iron 4.6 litre inline-6 mated to a 6-speed manual. The interior held seven basic seats, but little room for cargo. Viktor wanted to take the Arctom for a drive, and after the paperwork was signed and stamped, Viktor began.

Viktor was pleased with how smooth and quiet the large 4.3L engine ran, and it had great mid-range power, but he knew that he’d pay dearly for it in fuel costs. The gearing was adequately spaced, and Viktor was fairly happy with the truck’s performance. Viktor was however, disappointed with the truck’s suspension tuning. The stiff, heavily dampened shocks largely negated the potential comfort benefits of the truck’s independant suspension. The ride felt sporty, but it did not fill him with confidence. After driving a few more blocks, Viktor returned to the dealership and said that he’ll think about it, and he might be back.


Viktor paid the Bitrun dealership a visit, and notified the staff about his quest. Viktor was told to take a look at the A6 Yucca. This was the smallest vehicle Viktor had been offered so far. The Yucca looked like a crossover, but was a truck at heart; with a traditional ladder frame construction, and part-time four wheel drive with manual locking differentials. Over-hangs were short, and ground clearance seemed adequate; though he saw the hydropneumatic suspension as a major failure point. The Yucca was an interesting looking vehicle as well, and Viktor liked the contrasting white paint with grey plastic panels. Inside were 7 basic seats, and a basic radio. Viktor opened the hood to see an all aluminum 3 litre inline-6, that was still using pushrods. “Must be a new casting of an older engine”, he thought. The less than stellar fuel economy figures back that assumption up. Viktor requested a test drive, and signed the required paperwork.

Viktor was promptly given the keys to a Yucca, and he made use of them. The inline-6 ran exceptionally smooth. Viktor was disappointed however, that the Yucca had no power steering. Granted, his Buhanka didn’t either until 2011… but he expected it in a new vehicle of this price. The ride was harsh and stiff, and the seats did nothing to comfort him. When Viktor took a turn a little too fast, he was greeted a shot of adrenaline as the rear of the vehicle decided to creep out. Viktor recovered from the inadvertent drift, and decided that it’s time to head back to the dealership. Viktor returned the keys, and went on his way.


Viktor saw what looked like a dealership with FOA written in large free-standing letters on the roof of it. Viktor entered the building, and was greeted by a well-dressed man. After a short conversation, the man recommended that Viktor take a look at the FOA Ranger. Viktor immediately noticed the bright yellow vehicle. It reminded him of the trucks used to film animals in the various nature shows that he has seen. Viktor felt that the design looked dated; even more so than his Buhanka, but at the same time Viktor likes a classic. The platform however was a modern steel unibody that was fairly light-weight. The man told Viktor that the vehicle had a 6 speed manual transmission, with traditional 4x4 drive and manually locking differentials. Viktor nodded his head as a sign of approval, and noticed how tall the vehicle stood. He applauded the very short overhangs as well. He squatted down to see under the vehicle and again nodded with a smile. Viktor opened the hood to see an all aluminum 2.5L inline-6 with direct injection. Viktor had never dealt with direct injection before, but he assumed it can’t be too bad since Diesels have been using it for so long. The long-term durability of coated low-friction pistons worried him a little too, but the promised 31 mpg fuel economy enticed him. Viktor called for a test drive, and he was handed the keys to a Ranger after all the paper-work was signed.

Viktor got in the Ranger, and looked around at the interior. It looked pretty nice, and it had 8 comfortable-looking seats and a nice radio with USB support. Sadly, they left almost no room for cargo. “I guess I’ll have to start charging a fare for cargo like airliners do” he thought. Viktor started the engine, and it ran smooth and quiet; as any small inline-6 should. It was a responsive engine, and it made good power right from the start for an engine of this size. Top end was better than what he’s used to as well. The Ranger wasn’t the fastest vehicle he has driven today, but it was certainly faster than his beloved Loaf. The ride was a bit harsh because of the very stiff front springs, but the seats soaked up most of the impacts. The brakes felt very powerful, but they bit abruptly and were hard to modulate. “If I purchase this truck, I’ll have to get some softer pads after the factory ones wear out” he thought. After a driving for a few more minutes, Viktor returned to the dealership. The man he talked to earlier asked him if Viktor was ready to purchase, but Viktor said he still has more vehicles to see, as well as forwarding his complaints about the brakes and suspension to the man. It was getting late, so Viktor decided to call it a night and head home to rest.



The next day, as Viktor was driving into town he saw a large beetle displayed above a building. Viktor assumed that this must be the Scarab dealership, and he parked his Loaf next to it. Upon enterting the building, he was greeted by a man in a sharp suit who offered to be of service. After a short chat about Viktor’s needs, the man recommended the Scarab Solar S to Viktor. The Solar S appeared to be a modern all wheel drive MPV. Viktor had some preconceptions about her off-road abilities, but they were relieved when he saw the good ground clearance, and short overhangs, both front and rear. Opening the hood, Viktor was greeted with a 2.4L aluminum inline-4 with a turbocharger, and oddly enough, single point injection. Viktor hadn’t seen these since the early 90’s. The man offered Viktor a test drive with the paperwork already in his hands, and Viktor agreed.

Inside, Viktor found 7 seats and a decent looking interior. There was little room for cargo, but this is a smaller vehicle after all, so it is to be expected. Viktor fired up the engine and he was greeted with a growl. The engine was a little noiser than the others he had heard today, but that didn’t bother him. The vibration was noticable though. The engine revved all the way up to a screaming 6,900rpm, but she already sounded strained at 6,300rpm, and vibration kept getting worse the faster she spun. Viktor backed off the throttle. The vehicle handled well on the road, but she was all too ready to lose her tail, for Viktor’s taste. The very stiff anti-roll bars would prevent good articulation off-road as well. Viktor returned to the dealership and thanked the man for the test drive. Viktor was worred the Solar S wouldn’t survive the conditions he and his men would put it through.


Next up was the Ecamobile dealer. Viktor walked into the building and received prompt attention. Viktor told the dealer that he needs a replacement for his Buhanka, and the man recommended the BraunBaer Offshore. At first Viktor thought that it was a typical minivan with roof lights and a spare tire on the back, but the dealer assured him that is not the case. The vehicle had a traditional 4x4 system, and manually locking differentials, as well as a six speed manual transmission. The ground clearance looked good, but Viktor found the different tire sizes a little perplexing. It was a requirement for the rear-engined van he drove earlier today, but seemed unnecessary for the BraunBaer. Viktor opened the hood and saw an all-iron 2.3L inline-4 3-valver. The dealer pointed out that the engine had a billet steel crank. Viktor thought the quoted fuel economy seemed a little low for a 2.3L though. Viktor opened the doors and found seven good-looking seats and a radio. Viktor signed the paperwork for a test drive.

Viktor started up the BraunBaer, and found the engine to run smooth and quiet. The short gears helped, but the engine felt weak under 2,500rpm, though it had a good mid-range power band. The seats were comfortable, and so was the ride; possibly the best so far. Viktor returned to the dealership, took another look around the interior, and told the dealer that he might be back later.


Viktor decided to buy a drink from a nearby street vendor. As he leaned his back against a tree with a cup of tea in hand, he noticed that there are even more dealerships across a wide avenue. After finishing his tea, he made his way to them, and first up was the H.A. dealership; occupying a very unique looking building. Viktor was greeted by a sharply dressed man, and after a short conversation, the man recommended that Viktor take a look at the 755 4x4, and so he did. Viktor walked around the 755, and was happy with what he saw at any angle. This was a very attractive vehicle. The styling fit the modern age, but looked formal and showed restraint. The vehicle was painted in a very pleasing neutral color that Viktor knew he would never get tired of. Viktor squatted to see under the 755, and he saw a unibody with independant suspension on all corners, a traditional 4x4 transfer case, and lines to the differentials. The dealer mentioned they were manually locking, and Viktor nodded his head in approvement. The moderate overhangs had thick plastic shields on them. Viktor stood up with a light grunt and opened the hood of the 755. There he saw an all aluminum 3.2 litre inline-6 with direct injection. Viktor told the dealer that he would like a test-drive, and the man quickly retrieved the required paperwork. After all was signed, Viktor entered the 755.

Viktor saw seven seats inside, and content with their quality. The 755 had a simple to use radio, but fairly little space for cargo. Viktor started the engine and set off. The engine was powerful at almost 200hp. The 755 had good acceleration, and tons of mid-range power. The suspension transferred little energy to the body, but the rear springs felt very soft, and Viktor was unsure of how well the vehicle would cope crammed full of people and cargo. The 755 felt very composed and stable on the road, and handled very well. This the most pleasurable test-drive Viktor has had so far, and he returned to the dealership with a smile. The 755 drove well and looked great, and so did the dealership. “This company has an eye for aesthetics” he thought. Viktor told the dealer that he still has more cars to see, but he might be back later.


Next door was the Galt dealership. After a short chat, Viktor was recommended the Communizuv. Viktor thought the name was a tad risque and the old round sealed-beam headlights an unusual sight for 2018. Viktor saw that the vehicle already had a Taxi plaque installed on the roof, so it must be aimed at fleet sales. The classic ladder frame and part-time 4x4 design with manually locking differentials promised respectable off-road performance; although the factory wheel and tire combination looked to be a little on the small side. Viktor opened the hood to see a simple, all iron overhead cam 3.3 litre inline-6, but with direct injection and coated pistons. An employee notified Viktor that the engine can run on fuel with an octane level as low as 76 AKI. Viktor wondered if he could even find that kind of fuel in 2018 anymore. The interior held eight simple-looking seats, and a radio, with little room left over for cargo. Another employee walking by stopped and asked if Viktor wanted to take a test drive, and Viktor obliged. He filled out the paperwork, and was handed a set of keys.

Viktor fired up the very quiet-running engine, and drove off. Viktor felt the engine made little power for its large size; just 121 horsepower. The power was available right from the start though, and the six short gears helped the Communizuv keep up with traffic. The promised fuel economy was a little disappointing considering how slow the vehicle was. The suspension tuning felt a little mis-matched front to rear for Viktor as he drove over a speed bump, and the Communizuv exhibited a bit of unnerving oversteer. Viktor’s heart just didn’t sit with this one, but the Communizuv’s off-road qualities kept it a contender.


As Viktor was walking along the street to the next dealership, he noticed a building with a glass forefront that had cars within it. He entered and saw that this is indeed another dealership. A sizeable but stubby van drew Viktor’s attention. It had short overhangs, stood fairly tall, and had a design that was very similar to an older Bodge van that he was familiar with. There was a plaque with a list of the vehicle’s technical specifications nearby, and Viktor was pleased to see that the van was equipped with a traditional 4x4 system, and manually locking differentials. The engine really surprised Viktor. It was a massive, all iron, four litre inline-4 equipped with a variable valve lift system and direct injection. Somehow the giant 4 cylinder managed to spin to 7,000rpm and made 370 horsepower. “This is amazing” Viktor thought… but at the same time worried about how reliable such a highly strung engine could be. As Viktor finished reading the plaque, an employee came up to show Viktor the automatic opening sliding doors. Viktor sighed and thought “just another thing to fix when it breaks in a couple of years out in the icy wilderness”. The interior held eight nice looking seats, had a radio, and still had room for some cargo. Viktor requested a test drive, and the man walked to a desk to grab a stack of paperwork. Viktor proceeded to sign off on the stack of papers, assuming that there is so much because this was the most expensive vehicle he has seen today. After all of that was said and done, he was given the keys to a Minibus Evo.

Viktor started the giant 4 cylinder and the whole van leaned slightly during start-up. The vibration was strong, but not nearly as bad as Viktor thought it would be for such an engine. Viktor thought “this is what a good bottom end can achieve”. He shifted the familiar 5-speed manual into first gear and drove off of a ramp on the side of the building leading into the street. The huge engine pulled strong right off idle, but as he got to about 4,500rpm, Viktor felt a jerk as the cam lobes shifted, and the engine screamed to 7,000rpm where it abruptly hit the rev limiter. Viktor thought the power was amazing, but he didn’t like the violent transition at all. He was also worried about the reliability of such a system, and the stresses it put on the engine as a whole. Viktor felt the variable valve lift system was simply an unnecessary addition for an engine that would have made more than enough power without the switch to a hotter cam profile. The ride was stiff and uncomfortable, and the rather comfy seats couldn’t soak up a good portion of the energy transferred to the body. Viktor returned to the dealership with the verdict that the maker of this van tried to make a technological marvel out of what could have been a fine van.


The last dealership on the block was BM, so that’s where Viktor went next. After a short conversation with the employees, Viktor was directed to take a look at the CPB-910; a peculiar looking grey van. The proportions were more typical and attractive than the similar vans Viktor has seen earlier today, but the styling was rather unusual. Viktor thought the headlights were cute, and they reminded him of his beloved Loaf, although he was not a fan of the tail-lights in the rear; though he had to admit that they matched the front’s styling. The van used a modern unibody with a live axle rear, and a modern all wheel drive system with manually locking differentials. The engine though, was anything but modern. It still used pushrods and a carburetor; something that even Uaz’s aging designs have forsaken long ago. Interestingly enough, it was an all aluminum engine, with coated low friction pistons. “What an odd mix of old and new”, thought Viktor. The small 1.6L engine promised to deliver just 71 horsepower; less power than his Loaf’s engine. The quoted fuel economy of just 23mpg wasn’t exactly impressive either for such a small engine. Inside, Viktor found an interior with nine seats that looked like it was designed in the same era as his Buhanka. There wasn’t even a radio. However, Viktor acknowledged that with the lowest asking price of any of the vehicles he has seen so far, there are bound to be some cost-cutting measures. While the interior wasn’t great, it managed to squeeze in 9 seats and even had a good amount of room left over for cargo, and that is very important for his needs. Viktor requested a test drive, and he was immediately tossed the keys to the CPB-910 he was looking at.

Viktor pulled on the choke lever, turned the key, and the engine started with relative ease. After letting her warm up a bit, he pushed the choke back in, shifted into the first of five gears… and stalled the engine. “Well… that’s embarrassing.” thought Viktor. He restarted the engine, gave it a bit more throttle this time, and was on his way. There’s no getting around the word “slow”. The engine only starts making power at just under 3,000rpm, and while the shifts were smooth and effortless, the CPB-910 could have used an extra low-range gear to help the diminutive engine out. The engine could be forced to rev to 6,500rpm, and that helped get the van to 100km/h in 21 seconds, although Viktor was worried that constant high-RPM abuse would greatly reduce an engine’s service life. Viktor complimented the van’s suspension tuning and ride, however the small, flat seats just didn’t allow for a comfortable drive. Overall, Viktor felt that this was a good budget vehicle, but it needed an engine with a little more power and efficiency, and just a little more comfort to really shine above the rest.


Viktor saw a building across the street with JHW in large lettering above it. He entered the building and walked around looking at the various cars on display. A vehicle called the Springbok 270 caught his eye. Viktor found the vehicle rather appealing. The front looked modern, the rear industrial, and the design had good flow. The vehicle had a very short front overhang and hood. Inside said hood was a transversely mounted all aluminum 2.7L inline-4. The engine had coated low friction pistons, similar to a lot of the other vehicles Viktor has seen today. Unfortunately, he recalled reading on the internet that these engines are known to fail under abuse because of their overly stressed pistons. Viktor decided the risk was too great to continue, and left.


Next, Viktor paid the Letto dealership a visit. After a short conversation with the staff, he was offered the Transito. It was a large van with brilliant white paint, and an attractive sloping hood and windshield… but Viktor thought the styling of the van didn’t flow well. The head and tail lights looked a bit out of place on the van. Viktor noticed the massive 20in stamped steel wheels filling out the van’s wheel arches used different tire sizes, and were rather low profile. The van was built on a modern unibody, and had a transversely mounted V6 with five valves per cylinder mated to an unusual seven speed manual transmission. Viktor knew about these unique engines, and they are unfortunately known for piston failures, so like the offering before it, Viktor decided not to tempt fate.

@Rk38 / @Koolkei

As Viktor left the previous dealership, his eyes were drawn to a building covered in eye-catching and pretentious advertisements. He headed towards it and as he got close, he heard the sounds of birds chirping. Viktor was surprised… it’s below zero and he’s hearing tropical birds? What?. He entered the Mitaishi dealership, and it all became clear. They had a beautiful display of a rainforest inside the dealership itself, complete with a little waterfall and birds flying around. At the center of all this stood the SRV-X; a modern SUV with very elaborate styling. The vehicle certainly looked futuristic, but the styling was well thought-out and he could see how much passion the designer put into his work. As Viktor came closer to the SRV-X, he found a plaque with copious amounts of the company’s marketing campaign. Viktor weeded out as much of the vehicle’s technical specifications as he could. The SRV-X had a modern steel unibody construction with all wheel drive, and a transversely mounted 3.1L turbocharged and intercooled inline-6. Unfortunately, Viktor was familiar with this engine from his research, and knew that they have a tendency to throw a rod when abused. The weak cast connecting rods can’t handle the stress. That’s a shame he thought… it’s a unique vehicle with comfortable seats, good power, respectable off-road performance, and great fuel economy.


Viktor left the warm, humid rainforest and headed towards the next dealership, trying not to freeze his ass off in the process. Viktor entered a quaint building with “Boyd” written in large wooden letters above the doors to shelter himself from the cold. He was greeted by the staff members, and even offered a free cup of tea. While drinking tea, Viktor spoke with the staff and informed them of his dilemma. They recommended that Viktor take a look at the Boyd Carrier, and so he did. Viktor thought it was an attractive van with simple but elegant styling. The van was built upon a tradiational ladder frame chassis, and had a very large 4.5L inline six cylinder engine mated to a six speed manual transmission, part-time four wheel drive, and manually locking differentials. The engine used archaic pushrods, and so made little power such a large engine. The coated low-friction pistons sounded like the weakspot of this engine. Sliding the door open, Viktor found eight comfortable looking seats, with enough room for a reasonable amount of cargo. Viktor decided to put his worries of the pistons aside for a moment, and take a test drive. A lady at the front desk helped Viktor sign the required paperwork, and gave him the keys to a Boyd Carrier.

Viktor turned the key, and the 4.5L inline-6 ran smooth and very quiet for such a large engine. The engine made most of its power right from the start, and the 6 speed’s short first 3 gears accentuated that even further. This wasn’t the fastest vehicle Viktor has driven today, but it pulled hard off the line. The problem came at the end of the line; this large, heavy van still used drum brakes front and rear. The rear drums could just barely lock the tires, but the fronts had no chance; even on an empty van. Braking performance left much to be desired. Viktor imagined that a steep down-hill decent on this van when heavily loaded would be dangerous. The ride was fairly comfortable though; no complaints there. Viktor returned to the Boyd dealership, and informed the staff that he still has a few more cars to see.


With just two more dealerships left on the lot, Viktor entered the TAORE building. A man asked how he can be of service, and Viktor told the man his story. The man recommended their largest, most off-road capable vehicle; the TerrTare MPV MVP-Edition. It stood tall with a set of roof-lights and a brush-guard on the front bumper, as well as a spare tire on the rear hatch. The burly vehicle had rather unusual styling though, and Viktor was unsure if it was to his taste… but decided to continue further. The TerrTare is built on a tradiational ladder frame chassis with an equally traditional 4x4 system and manually locking differentials. However, the TerrTare had a six speed automatic transmission, and that was a point of concern to Viktor. It was just another failure point to him… just somewhere else to leak fluid from. The vehicle was powered by a massive all-iron 3.1 litre inline-4 that is needlessly capable of running on 76 octane fuel. The TerrTare’s promised fuel economy was awful compared to most of the vehicles he had seen today, and the asking price was at the very limit of his budget. “This is an impressive machine”, thought Viktor… “but I’m not sure if it is the vehicle I’m looking for.”. “A test drive should help me decide” he said out loud, and the man returned with the requisite paper work shortly. After signing off and leaving a deposit, Viktor was handed the keys to a TerrTare.

Viktor entered the TerrTare, and saw eight nice looking seats with a bit of room left over for cargo too. It had an easy to use radio, and Viktor was satisfied with the interior. Upon starting the engine however… the only thing left on Viktor’s mind was “is this normal?”. His Loaf’s engine isn’t exactly the smoothest running thing he’s ever driven… but this takes it to a new level. Viktor thought the whole car was going to start chattering soon. Even the 10.9 litre monster he drove in the morning wasn’t this bad, and neither was that van with the 4L inline-4. “Well, I’m still going to drive it anyway”, he said. Viktor shifted the transmission into drive and was on his way. The extremely short gearing helped the TerrTare pull like a tractor but with the slow shifts of an automatic, the TerrTare didn’t feel very fast at all. The ride was soft and supple, and the large vehicle was easy to control. Viktor returned to the dealership after a few more laps around the adjacent streets. Viktor was a little heart-broken. “This might have been the one if it had a more reasonable engine and a manual tranny” he thought.

@titleguy1 / @Leonardo9613

With the sun starting to set, Viktor saw the last dealership on the horizon. He hopped into the GAC building an hour before closing time. GAC was the 23rd and final company on his list. The dealership was mostly empty at this point, so all the staff turned their attention to Viktor. He discussed his situation with them, and the staff members unanimously recommended the SKV-18. It was a fairly simple looking van with a mixture of grey plastic and chrome trim. It had a modern unibody and an all wheel drive system, manually locking differentials, and a six speed automatic transmission. Viktor was again skeptical of the automatic transmission’s durability when subjected to years of abuse in the harshest of conditions. Under the hood was an all aluminum 3 litre inline 6 with steel rods and forged pistons; nice. Opening the door, Viktor saw a nice interior with 7 comfortable looking seats, and a small cargo area. The SKV-18 was also equipped with a simple to use radio. Viktor requested a test drive.

After signing the required paperwork, Viktor was handed the keys to a SKV-18. The seats were soft but supportive, and the inline 6 ran very smooth and very quiet. First gear was a little long, but the engine managed to get the fairly light-weight SKV-18 up to speed at a reasonable pace. Comfort was the highlight of the SKV-18. The seats were plush and supportive, and the suspension was well tuned and soaked up the bumps in the road. The vehicle was very easy to drive, and had good dynamics. Viktor returned to the dealership just before closing time, and thanked the staff for their wonderful service.

After another long day of inspecting and driving cars, an exhausted Viktor got back into his beloved bread-loaf shaped van for the long journey home. He sat there thinking, with his elbow propped up against the door, and his face on his fist, while waiting for his Loaf to heat up. Viktor let out a sigh and said that he feels like his brain is going to ooze out of his ears. So many cars, so many choices. Viktor drove home, got undressed, had a drink, and plopped down on his bed to relax for a few minutes… but fell asleep from the weary day.

I will post the winner and a short story as soon as I can. Thank you for your patience.


Nice reviews, good work @KA24DE :sunglasses:


lol, with such long/good reviews I don’t think I ever want to run a CSR. :no_mouth:

(As far as the brakes go, I really didn’t want to use discs because of their lower reliability, higher (service) cost and less environmentally resistant perception, but of course drums just can’t brake as well. Could have gone unibody with lighter panel materials, but those aren’t as easy to repair…)


Great job on the reviews, keep up the good work! You have acquitted yourself very well as a first-time host.


Do drums count in favor of environmental resistance? I would think otherwise since disc brakes are basically wiped clean when the pads hit the rotor, while crud can sit inside a drum brake.


Nope, just a ‘perception’. I tried a little research on the topic, but never really got a good answer as to whether drums are better or worse in snowy off-road environments.


well, I wasn’t instabinned, i’m making progress :stuck_out_tongue:


i would like to point out that my car has an all-alloy engine, not all alu.

and i probably should’ve forgone the low friction route in hindsight


waitwaitwaitwait. what is wrong with my engine exactly? it does not show any yellowing on anything but the turbo.

heck i’m willing to bet the reliability is above the average here. (dunno if it’s not. i was trying my damndest to get at the worst 80 reliability tho)


Hmm, Maybe I should have set the Redline 100-200RPM lower:




In defence analysis of my brakes, the braking chart in-game appears a bit misleading to me to measure off-road: a. it’s seemingly based on tire grip force when on-road, b. unless you’ve done a physics calculation yourself, it’s hard to say what the effect of maximum braking force would be.

Regarding b, assuming on-road grip is at least as high as off-road (likely higher?), if you stick the full 8 complement of passengers at approx average Russian weight (70 kg) and half as much weight in cargo (no idea how realistic that is), then total weight is 2866 kg, which (front) brakes with 5600 N grip force could stop the vehicle going directly down hill on a 11.5 degree (~20% grade) slope. [Edit: I don’t think this is quite accurate–it doesn’t take into account how much weight is on the front tires (some of the weight is on the rear tires). The brakes could probably stop the vehicle on a more aggressive slope, again on the assumption that brakes are the limiting factor and not tire grip.]

This makes me curious what the tire and brake grip forces vs typical laden mass are on the strongest entries… you need massive grip on the tires and brakes to take a ~3 tonne gross weight vehicle up and down steeper slopes. Seems like this is a place where the scoring system could be improved, taking account of vehicle performance on slopes and using an estimated gross weight based on baseWeight + seats*passengerWeight + cargoSpace*cargoDensity.