Aston's Orc Krew
Jack Aston (27) / Hugh Ache (45) / Sylvester Dood (32)
Modified '86 CSM Nash GPE
(Alright, this is going to be a rather lengthy conversation, but it also serves as the team and car’s intros, so skip it at your peril. Warning shot!)
Jack: Alright alright Internet guys, sit yo asses down and listen. This is your boy Jack Aston, comin’ at yacha hot from Bolivia! In case you never met yours truly before, I’m like Xander Cage from XXX. Only even less believeable and even more hardcore! The girls love me, the guys either hate me or love me too, and children all over the world send me Christmas letters thinkin’ I’m Santa!
So why am I here in Bo-lievea? Easy, 'cause the Great Automation Run is in town! The most hardcore cross-country race can’t be complete with the most hard-to-the-core guy in radical sports. All for a prize of 3 million! That’s right. 3 extra large for the guys crazy enough to risk their asses. And Jack is that crazy.
Jack: Of course I hear ya askin’ “yo Jack, you running this on foot?” I could’ve, but I’ll give these other guys a nice handicap, so that their tears won’t soil my podium ceremony later. And while I’m a guy of so many talents talent agencies fuse together just to hire parts of me, I brought some extra arms to carry me to victory. To my left is…
Hugh: Bolivia. A land which reeks of danger and death. Just standing here, facing it head on, brings sweat to my brow. They always say to face your fears head on… They’d rethink those words if that fear got closer, headbutted their overconfidence.
Jack: The hell, Hugh! You’re off again on your mind trips. Jesus dude, the camera is facing you, not to mention these Internet forum guys.
Yo, sorry about this. Dude is Hugh Ache. Guy is one of the toughest bro agents I met, but he’s always doing this noir movie shtick. It’s so 1930’s, but if that’s what gets him off… Besides, I think it’s no gimmick, ‘cause he’s always black. I ain’t talkin’ skin color here. He’s legit in black and white. He says he wears red clothing, but from here it’s all black.
Alright, you know the drill! Every stage we’ll give you all the hot insidah info on what’s crackin’, from the race to the cars in it. Only in HD, like the quality content you feast on, day in and day out. You’ll breath GAR, you’ll eat GAR and hell, you’ll be doing a Number 2 that’s GAR! Every chapter here will be part of everyone’s favorite work of art, my book on how to be awesome 24/7, 365 days a year;
???: Or for short, the AssMan.
Jack: Ok Sly, you’ve been doing nothin’ but talk crap back there. And why did you add an extra “S” to that!? Get off that truck-wide ass of yours and introduce it to these people.
Sly: Alright, Slyvester Dood here. I’m owner of a comic book shop, and Jack dragged me here because Lord knows he needs all the virtual pussy he can get, since he cannot hold a woman for more than 2 minutes. People say this is a very dangerous race, but maybe I can find inspiration for my newest work, about the gutsy Slyvan and…
Jack: Yeah yeah no cares about your DetouringART BS. You’re here 'cause as nerd, you’re packed with all kinds of lame skills that are somehow required to run a car here. A bunch of deadweight crap if you ask me, but not all cars are awesome like mine.
Together we’re the Aston’s Orc Krew, and we’re ready to rip it apart here in Bow-leave-a! I got this sick CSM back in America, mostly decked out to kick ass and steal girlfriends. It didn’t have an engine, but I stole… er, I mean procured an engine during our last “Ride Da Sand” event in Mexico!
Hugh: (talking to self here) That time in Mexico… It wasn’t all tequilas at sunset, that’s for sure. Jack got entangled in the web of crime, stealing an engine from a car. And to think of all derelict cars his path could’ve chosen, he picked a pickup belonging to the feared El Nabo. Yet whenever that name is dredged up, that scent of fear dwindles…
Jack: "Stay tuned for yo boys’ next adventures, when Jack and all the other guys fight to see who’s the most hardcore team of all. And also because Nick HC needs to make a good car first before killing off his own guys…
(collective laugh track ensues)
Yeah, real funny, Jack. Think I’m being 100% serious about this? I know I won’t win, and quite frankly it will be a miracle if a Nash can do the unthinkable and survive the Latin take on “Death Race”. There’s a reason why if you were a body part, you’d be called Iris.
Jack: Wait, the hell’s that supposed to mean?
Read between the lines, Jerk. Since you were so kind to mock your maker, I’m taking it from here. Please give a lackluster welcome to Aston’s Orc Krew’s steed for this mad dash across Bolivia;
The 1986 CSM Nash GPE "Grand Prize Enabler"!
This Nash was first bought by a Calfornia native, with rather straight-forward intentions. He wished to race it on the Baja 1000, of all places! However, being a GPE, this Nash was equipped with the not-so-reliable turbo engine, which promptly exploded during testing. Also the tailights failed for some reason, so they were replaced with aftermarket units.
No one was harmed, but the owner found second thoughts on his plan, so this engine-less Nash jumped from household to household, never truly becoming complete. Until Jack found it, of course. And as he… delightfully put it, the engine was taken from a Japanese pickup belonging to a Mexican cartel. The 98hp, 8-valve SOHC 2-liter isn’t an example in finesse, but this is not a race of might over right anyways.
Besides, the car has the right focus on the right area; an all-leaf suspension setup serves as the attempt to keep some of the Nash’s usual driver-friendly behavior, coupled with side bars, a bullbar, and front and rear roof lights. The rear ones serve as a stoplight strip, because a mere thin strip is tough to spot in the darkness!
At the driver’s area, a bench seat has just enough space for three human frames, leaving a very spacious rear compartiment for spares
and Sly’s corpse should he die first and Jack wants to keep him around as emergency rations.
Can Jack put 3 mil where his mouth is? Will the team get horribly mangled instead? Can a Nash finally be known for something good as opposed to ungainly designs and mocked catchphrases?
Sly: Stay tuned for the next episodes, I guess.
You couldn’t be more emotionally detached from that if you were Daniel Craig in “007: Spectre”, Sly.
Sly: Oh, Spectre. That’s my favorite spy movie of all time.
(facepalms) Christ on a bike… It’s a good thing I’m doing this for laughs and the Nash.
P.S.: And Jack is not subtle about wanting 3 xtra-large, either. Check this out!