Alright Fellas. This took a hot minute, but I’m proud to bring to you the Machinas Con Passione Shitbox Adventures, Episode 1!
I promise the next one won’t be as lengthy. Anyway.
MACHINAS CON PASSIONE’S SHITBOX ADVENTURES, EPISODE 1: A Man, His Wedge, and 200 Horsepower of Pure Mediocrity.
Character Profiles - Giacomo Scarfiotti
Role: Team Owner, Financier, Navigator.
Age: 49
Nationality: Italian
Description: 5 foot 8, cleanly shaven with spiky, white hair. Extremely… er… “eccentric.”
Background: Giacomo Scarfiotti, no relation to the great Ludovico Scarfiotti, is an Italian businessman whose main sources of income are questionable investments and his father. Eccentric by most standards, Giacomo is what would happen if you were to make a fallout character with charisma and luck that were both 10 and 0 at the same time and instilled in him a great passion for race cars. He’s tried to enter every great race worldwide, with middling results. His marque, Machinas Con Passione, is renowned for buying up rejected or defect ridden cars to use in said great races, with predictable results. A face you learn to love, or in most cases loathe, the one redeeming quality Giacomo has is his great, unending, probably out of hand, self esteem.
The Tall Tale of How a Couple of Idiots Entered a Shitbox Rally
All stories, be they great or otherwise, all have a beginning, middle, or end. Our story, which may very well fall into the latter category, starts with nary a whimper or a bang, but a flying sheet of paper being carried on its journey by one particularly fateful breeze. It’s here, of course, that our sheet of paper should happen to pass by the city of Naples, Italy, and float past passersby minding their own business, utterly blind to the momentous occasion that is moments from occurring.
I refer, of course, to the timely gust and equally well timed appearance of our protagonist, one Giacomo Scarfiotti, a wealthy former trust fund baby, now a fully established trust fund adult. Mr. Scarfiotti himself is also unaware that the whims of fate have chosen to graciously bestow him with the biggest challenge he’s faced yet, by rather bluntly smacking him in the face.
Giacomo liked to think that he could take a punch, he’s made enough ill advised plans to cross that off the list years ago. It’s a bit different when you go from minding your own business to being completely blind. Giacomo stops dead in his tracks. He ponders what could possibly have caused his sudden blindness. Obviously, nobody had suddenly decided to give him a piece of their mind. Had he developed sudden narcolepsy? He knew going to the doctor regularly was important, but figured it must have been like telling the truth on your tax returns, there’s no code of honor forcing you to do it. He continues pondering. “Hmm. Clearly I must be awake, or I wouldn’t be able to speak.” He says to the great, unending void he currently stares into. This is quite puzzling indeed. Going to stroke his chin, a “force of habit” of Giacomo’s that he pretends to do naturally, but is really a calculated attempt at looking smarter than he actually is, Giacomo realizes that instead of an extremely handsome face, he’s grabbing at a sheet of paper. Curious.
Giacomo pulls the sheet of paper off of his face, it seems to be the invite to a… “Shitbox Rally”? It almost seems too easy. Who else to get the most out of a dusty shed dweller then an extremely rich, sheltered, and extremely handsome businessman such as himself. He gets to work assembling the crew.
Naples, Italy: The Residence of Giacomo Scarfiotti. A few hours later.
A few hours later, at his home, Giacomo realizes that the one thing more important than getting people who are competent at their jobs, is getting people who look cool doing it. With this being said, rather than dig through his contacts from years of questionable racing projects, maybe a washed up endurance racer or a rally driver who survived their last meeting, Giacomo decides to take his big chance on:
THE INTERNET!
And so it was, Giacomo decided he would conduct the most thorough of investigations to find the first member of his crew: the driver. He types in: “Fast racing driver.” and gets a list of people who are both fast and racing drivers, but nobody who’s free at the moment. Alas, he tries again. “Fast racing driver for hire.” And enter. Giacomo knows he must be careful, and very discerning with this next choice. He passes over the first two choices, which he hears are ads, or something like that, and clicks the third website instead: Driver4Hire.com. (disclaimer: not a real link) That should work. After two flicks of his mouse wheel to get the popular drivers out of the way, he stumbles upon a particular driver and description, with a phone number attached underneath a brief wall of text.
Character Profiles - Thibault Prosper
Role: Driver
Age: 31
Nationality: French
Description: 6 feet tall. Shoulder length, Jet black hair. Bushy beard. Cool, calm, and collected.
Background: The only seriously credentialed member of the group, Thibault Prosper got his start, as many do these days, in Go-karts. After dominating the local and national kart scene, Thibault would middle in open wheelers and touring cars until finding his feet in the World Rally scene in 2012. 3 years of top level rally competition would see him establish himself as a hot prospect, only for him to risk everything in the top flight of Open Wheelers once more.
He failed.
Two full time stints would yield him a total of two points and a pink slip at the end of 2021, politely asking him to go find something better to do.
It’s here he decides to reinvent himself as a driver for hire. After a few gigs and birthday parties, he gets a phone call from a mysterious Italian businessman, starting him down the strangest path he’s traveled yet.
Nice, France, Residence of Thibault Prosper
Thibault Prosper was the kind of guy who would normally get a random phone call, take half a second to make sure he didn’t recognize the number, and instantly hang up without further hesitation. Those times were long over now, as he’d fashioned himself a “driver for hire”, a way to keep his career, which even he admitted was on life support, alive and relatively well. Though he’d been inundated with calls when he first started the service, as things progressed, however, the number of calls seemed to shrink with the passage of time. Hopeful that this call would actually lead to something, Thibault picked up as fast as he could, and quickly had those hopes dashed. On the other end, someone could clearly be heard mouthbreathing directly into the receiver.
TP: “Um… Hello?”
GS: “Ah, yes, is this one… eh… Tiebolt Prosper?”
TP: “Oh. Yes, yes that’s me. I suppose you need a driver?”
GS: “Yes. One that’s going to look really cool driving for me, and one that I can hopefully take a lot of, ehh… promotional pictures of.”
Thibault wasn’t a stranger to the odd request or too, he figured that it must have been for some kind of corporate event. Poor Thibault.
TP: “Oh… Uh, yeah… I think I could do that. I suppose. Can you give me more details about the job?”
GS: “I can pay for your plane ticket to Naples, the rest must be kept super top secret, to stop people from stealing my plans. I know They will be doing their best to sabotage me.”
TP: “They?”
GS: “They.”
It finally dawned on Thibault why most people don’t give out their phone numbers to the general public, particularly famous people. You attract these kinds of people. He was in dire need of a paycheck, though Thibault wondered if there were some lines he shouldn’t cross to make a few bucks. Then again… A free trip to Naples…
TP: “Well, if anything, I’ll take you up on the free trip to Naples.”
GS: “Good! Good.”
Naples, Italy. Residence of Giacomo Scarfiotti. 5 Minutes Later.
A few minutes after hanging up on that Tie Bolt Imposter guy, it dawns on Giacomo: What if someone were to get hurt? While he would normally be perfectly content to ditch the poor fellow and take over the reins himself, to say that Giacomo lacked experience actually driving past the speed limit would be generous, at the very least. It dawned on him then that he must find a doctor, or, at the very least, someone who wouldn’t empty their stomach contents at the sight of a mosquito bite…
Sicily. Dover Healthcare Office. 2 Weeks Later.
And alas, a fortnight passed before Giacomo was able to find someone with a legitimate PhD to join his journey. And a fortnight of rejections from every credible doctor in mainland Italy had led him to Sicily, in hopes of finding some quack to at least pretend to try and know what a bone was. And so, he found his saving grace. In the form of a urologist’s clinic. Another win for the Scarfiottis.
Upon opening the door, Giacomo saw a nigh abandoned waiting room. 8 seats, all empty, a receptionist’s desk with a woman, completely passed out, and a very tiny bell next to her, along with the sounds of… Screaming? Coming from the general direction of the exam room. It was then that it occurred to Giacomo that no good urologist should have anyone screaming for any reason, though luckily for him, he hadn’t found a good urologist. Giacomo quietly sat down in a corner and kept to himself, thinking it better to not disturb the peace, hoping he wouldn’t find himself next in line for this so-called “treatment” the poor bloke in the other room was getting.
Character Profiles - Dr. Benjamin Dover
Role: Medic
Age: 42
Nationality: ???
Description: 5 foot 10, average build. Neatly cropped beard and an equally neat, though short, hairdo.
Background: A disgraced doctor, Benjamin Dover is descended from a long line of neurosurgeons, and was on the fast track to joining them, becoming a neurosurgeon straight out of college, before multiple botched operations would see him unceremoniously fired from the hospital his family had owned and operated for years. Ousted from his family for “besmirching the family name”, Benjamin quickly found his true calling: covert mob operations! Just stitch up a few mobsters, change locations, and you’re all good! Even if you put their stomach where their intestines were, what are they gonna do? Find and kill you? As if!
And alas, the screaming finally stopped, as one Benjamin Dover, MD, with an ecstatic expression and clothes drenched in blood, proudly marched out into his office, turned to the sleeping receptionist, and proudly declared at the top of his lungs: “MARIA! HE’S DEAD!” He was met with naught but an equally loud snore. Failing to notice his latest client, who was completely bewildered by the good doctor’s antics, Benjamin tip-toed over, and, in a well practiced swing, completely annihilated the bell that had likely been intended for whatever “clients” were coming through here.
It was then that the receptionist, a lady of around 20 or so, finally stirred awake, looked the doctor up and down, and seemingly knew what had happened. Surveying the bell, she seemed to resent it’s untimely destruction. “Y’know doc, if you’re gonna to destroy the bell everytime someone dies, maybe don’t make me pay for it every time? Getting paid to sleep is enough work already, dontcha think?” Giacomo could resonate with her, having been forced to do chores for his allowance as a youth, as a punishment for blowing a significant portion of his father’s wealth on fuzzy dice. A fond memory indeed. Dr. Dover gave the bell a once over, and mused, “Well, I would be glad to pay for it out of pocket if it were a business expense, and not a personal item such as a bell. You know how these things go, liability and the like.” Ooh. Business. Giacomo loves that stuff. Or he pretends to, at least. The most professional thing he’s done is be awesome, which he doesn’t see many of Father’s acquaintances doing these days. If only they could see things Giacomo’s way. With that, Maria sighed, and mumbled some musings as she left, presumably headed for the exam room. It was only then that Dr. Dover noticed Giacomo sitting there, rather impressed by his patience no doubt, and addressed the potential client.
“Well then, what do we have here? Are you interested in my, erm, “service”? You might qualify for an under the table discount! That is, so long as we can toss this bit of your medical history “under the table”, if you catch my meaning.” Giacomo, not wanting to find out where his urological system was, politely declined. “Ah. I see. Then, I hope you can excuse us, we have a routine in cases like this.” Giacomo turned over to see Maria dragging an unusually heavy suitcase to the front door, and turned to face the doctor once more. Oh well. What’s the worst that can happen? “So, ehh, you’re without an office, I take it?” Giacomo inquired. The good doctor’s face immediately lit up. “Not anymore! Would you be able to fix that? You seem to be particularly affluent.” This was easier than Giacomo thought… Though he wondered if these two would be more trouble than they’re worth. “Well, if you don’t mind working out of a car the past few weeks, then, ehh, sure thing! I’ve been looking for a medic, or doctor, or anyone with a fancy plaque that lets them cut people open without getting us too many prying eyes.” With this, Dr. Dover quickly ran to the back, presumably to fetch said plaque. A few seconds later, he returned with a very much out of date and likely revoked medical license, and presented it to Giacomo. To Giacomo, it seemed like he finally had a crew on his hands.
Character Profiles - Maria Vecchi
Role: Mascot? Ballast? Both?
Age: 20
Nationality: Sicilian
Description: 5 feet tall, slim build, shoulder length brown hair.
Backstory: Maria didn’t ask to be here, she’s only shadowing Dr. Dover because of some mob family obligations that she doesn’t particularly care about. She doesn’t say much, and is usually at her happiest when being left alone. Yeah that’s kinda it.
Naples, Italy, Residence of Giacomo Scarfiotti. 1 Day later.
Giacomo finally had something of a team assembled. Now that we have the people, we’ll need the car too. So. The car. The car. Oh God oh Fuck the car Giacomo put exactly zero thought into the car oh lordy lord what is he gonna do-
Wait.
Giacomo had a bright idea.
Just buy a random piece of crap car nobody wants! Works every time! Luckily for Giacomo, he had a few connections in the automotive world, and quickly went asking around for any roomy, well seated cars. And so. He asked. And asked. He likely irritated most of his “friends”, yet still asked them all, incessantly, over, and over, and over, again. Finally, after 2 days of searching, Giacomo had found it. The car that would win team Machinas Con Passione the shitbox rally.
A completely abandoned prototype van. It had no name, no engine, outdated bias ply tires, and possibly the ugliest design for any car ever. But alas, Giacomo saw great potential in it. A car this horrendously disgusting would certainly catch some eyes, and get people talking about MCP, a win win as far as he was concerned. It just needed an engine, and a few modifications, and it would run smooth, like butter! Though Giacomo would have to find someone competent enough to do all of that, because working on an engine without a muffler is pretty freaky. So much noise. Nope. Giacomo would have to enlist a mechanic, going on yet another goose chase, thanks to having put around 5 seconds of actual thought into the project beforehand.
And so, our story takes us to McChad Auto Parts, an american-based auto parts shop, run by the one Mr. McChad. How Giacomo and McChad met is the source of speculation for many (read: none), and may never be revealed to the general public, but the most common theory is Giacomo drunkenly stumbled into the shop during a visit to Nevada in the late 90s, and became fast friends with the sole employee, Chad Mcchad. Alas, whenever MCP needed a cheap repair job done surprisingly well, the McChad Auto Parts shop was the first place to visit.
Carson City, Nevada. McChad Auto Parts HQ.
It was a small building really, the usual cramped garage setup of two cars on jacks, and various equipment lining the walls of the establishment. There were doors for a gyro, a paint booth, and a cordoned off area of the Garage, usually reserved for premium customers (read: Giacomo.) It’d been a few years since Giacomo’s last visit, though it hadn’t changed a bit.
McChad Auto Parts specialized in those good old V8 engines from days gone, but they weren’t one to discriminate when blind checks, like the one Giacomo often brought in, were being thrown about.
“Yo, Giacomo. What craziness do you have planned now?”
Character Profiles - Chad McChad
Role: Mechanic
Age: ??
Nationality: American
Description: 6 foot 6, 280 pounds of pure muscle. Strong jaw, thick, luscious locks, and thick beard to match.
Backstory: Chad McChad is just… really good at fixing cars. And looking cool while doing it. If there’s any simple solution to a problem, Chad will find some bizarre work-around solution while looking as photogenic as possible the entire process. Need an oil change? Chad will drain the entire oil tank, by mouth, and still get it done within 30 minutes. Why he does this is a mystery, but he looks so dang good doing it. Dang.
Giacomo ran off to fetch his latest attempt to offend God himself, the wedge van, now dubbed the “MCP Aerodynamic Wedge-Shaped Beast”, and talked Giacomo’s ear off regarding various modifications he’d like added to the van.
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Giacomo just so happened to have a bevy of extremely fashionable mid 90’s Mustangs, all acquired at a dirt cheap price, though he hadn’t yet figured out why they were so cheap to begin with, he suspected he may come to the conclusion… One day…
Either way, taking an engine from one of these ‘stangs, and modifying them to run with as much power they could get on the required kerosene was a cinch for Chad McChad, and before Giacomo knew it, they had a racecar, er, racevan on their hands! Genius engineering.
And alas, the MCP Aerodynamic Wedge Shaped Beast had arrived. Responses varied from repulsion to excitement (try to guess who felt what), though everyone hopped in the van all the same, and it was off to the starting party they went. Giacomo made sure to check that all of the modifications he’d asked for had been made:
Cool Engine: 
Speaker:
Bangin’ tunes:
Awesome Number:
Not shit tires:
Extra Gas:
Tow Hook:
Cassette Player:
And with that, MCP were ready to race! This called for a celebration, and Giacomo giddily inserted one of the tapes he’d brought into the cassette player. The once silent road trip was now interrupted by the dulcet tones of Nick Jonas. Maria was the first to speak up.
“No fucking way. You’re joking, right? Nick Jonas?” At this, utter shock and indignation crossed Giacomo’s face. He was in the presence of a non-Iconick. How truly horrendous. “I’ll have you know, that nobody praises me quite like Nick does. I’m a fan for life, truly, someone who recognizes my dashing looks and exaggerated swagger. He has a real eye for art, you know.” Responded the now outed Iconick. Similar exchanges dotted the remainder of the road trip, as the collective sanity of the group seemed to drip away with each passing mile.
2021 Shitbox Rally - Campsite
And thus, Machinas Con Passione rocked up to the Shitbox Rally Campsite… Mere hours before the race itself was meant to get underway, yet another win for the Scarfiottis! Surely, this is going to go fantastically, and nothing will go wrong, ever, at any point. To anyone. At all. Period.
Part 1 - Fin.
Alright, as much as I want to keep going and write endlessly, I gotta stop somewhere, right? Hopefully this is worth the wait. If you don’t feel like reading all of that, the tl;dr is: “funny italian man finds friends in strange places to drive his dumb car in a race he’s not even supposed to be in.” Hope you liked it!
(formerly)
