*The preceding picture was taken on “Closed” roads, during a practice run for the UMC team’s car.
A moment with Thicc Johnson
The setting: The Union Motor Cars’ base of operations, an undersized garage a few miles from the Automation Test Track. Everyone is anxious, waiting for the long break between rounds to end. As for now, I’m talking with Thicc Johnson, the man tasked with driving probably one of the worst cars in BRC history. I, unlike many others, am interested in what life as a backmarker is like.
Thicc certainly isn’t a pushover. The 28 year old has open wheel experience, and, though it may sound cruel, the back of the field isn’t exactly foreign for him. Debuting at the upper echelons of open wheel racing in 1990, an experimental engine design would see Thicc stuck in the back of the field. After that, Thicc has seen mild success, but a move to the BRC for 1996 seems to be the next move for the experienced Pole. Our interview is below.
So Thicc, how’s the car?
“Shit.”
What exactly about it do you not like?
“Well, I can tell you, but you’re going to want to take a seat. Sure, It’s light, very light, less than 2000 pounds, I was very impressed with the number, not going to lie, but everything, and I mean everything else, is a joke! The car understeers to high hell, the engine, while being pretty strong, doesn’t take nearly enough advantage of the flatplane crank design. The aero, actually, is so bad, that every time I drive the car, I’m convinced it takes another year off of my life.”
Wow, that bad, huh? You’re okay with saying all of this in your teams garage?
“Of course I am, even the engineers told me the car is a disaster. There isn’t even a sponsor on the hood.”
Well, uhh, anything… Good? About the car? Maybe?
“Like I said, it’s light. The chassis has potential, but the power steering needs some work, even if it adds some weight. I think a turbo would have solved alot of problems, but its too late for that now. There were some other concepts for engines, chassis, etc, even building one now to try and improve the knowledge of this ruleset.”
Well, that’s good. They know they messed up, but they still want to learn and improve from their mistake. I like that.
“For sure, I would have left by now if I didn’t like these guys.”
Let’s look at the championship, who do you think will come out on top?
“Not us.”
That is true, but are there any names in your hat?
“Maybe that power chick.”
Paua Torxdottir?
“Yeah, her, I think she’s gonna do well. I see her lapping me all the time so yeah.”
For this season, what are your goals?
“If the team can improve their design by the end of the season, I will have been satisfied with the work I did here. Mainly not finishing last is our concern to be honest with you, but whenever we qualify I take it as proof of a God, since half the GT2 class is faster than we are.”
It’s been a rather extended break for the BRC. What have you been up to in that time?
“Some karting stuff with my mates. Partying with The Boys™. Getting violently ill off of some sushi. Trying to be friends with the other drivers. The usual racing stuff I think.”
Well Thicc, It’s been great to catch up with you, good luck on the racing stuff!
“Yeah, for sure, good luck on the reporting stuff.”
Thus concludes my time with the Enigma known as Thicc Johnson. Thicc himself, well, yeah, he’s an interesting guy, but he and the team in general seem to be fully aware of their situation, and are just trying to learn as much as possible, while having a good time. These cats will be trying to qualify once more for the race at the Teberbergring, and in doing so, will be looking to break the mold, and carve the Union Motor Cars brand onto the Mount Rushmore of great racing marques, a lofty goal for sure, but one that they have the grit, spit, and duct tape to achieve. For now though, being pragmatic, they’re set to be one of the many field fillers for this event, but whether they start last or second to last, the unique attitude of this team is one that, for me at least, gives me high hopes for their future. Godspeed, Thicc.
Or maybe he’ll just finish last every race who knows!