Alan: Wow, I didn’t even know the Japanese made anything this big. Car, or engine. I thought they were all into economy.
Scott: Well, the whole tech explosion of late made them rich. I’ve been in this car already and I can attest that it’s proper luxury.
Maverick: I’m not a fan of how it looks like a long version of a smaller car, now that I have a good look at it. Big-ass rear door here, and the glass won’t roll down far.
Scott: Juuuust give the damn thing a chance.
On the road
Maverick: Well, it feels good here up front. It’s easy, it’s not slow, it’s solid - honestly, just driving it it’s like my old Plymouth, except it doesn’t suck.
Scott: So… It’s not your Plymouth? You aren’t fooling anybody here, that thing was a deathtrap.
Alan: I like it back here, that’s for sure. Even in the middle seat, I do kinda feel… Chaffeured.
Marv: Nothing seems to be flimsy in here, either. The Suisei’s a damn tank. I like it.
After this good start to their day, the heels aimed to capitalize by quickly shifting over to the De Valz dealership, situated close by.
The posse gathered around the French full-size is far from unassuming, five mean faces with not a single “five” between them in their respective height measurements - but the presence of the two-ton hunk of metal overshadows the lot of them.
Maverick: I have to say… This moves the needle. God damn, it’s prettier in person than it is in technicolor.
Phil: For once I agree with you, fossil man; This is just about pretty enough to make my English wife jealous. Bold choice with the hidden headlights on a four-door…
Alan: Uh, Phil, it might be a five-door! If we ever have a number six, we could just chuck that poor sucker in the back and keep on truckin’! Or hell, maybe we could cut Marv in half and I’ll actually have some space in that middle seat!
Marv: Cool it with the kayfabe, you little punk. Let’s roll already.
With the visuals verdict more than unanimous, the heels took the French hunk out for a spin. It goes without saying that a front-wheel peel started the show.
Maverick: You know, this is fun for a big car. Sorta calls back to something like a 70s Eldorado: Smooth, cool, unfuckwithable. I feel in charge here, that’s for sure. That said, it doesn’t sound like an Eldo.
Scott: It’s comfortable, that’s for sure. I got legroom for days. And did you see the sill width on the doors? I’m not convinced this thing isn’t bombproof!
Marv: They did tout all the crumple zones and similar bells and whistles back at the dealership. Almost got nauseous of the explanation, to be frank. More to the point, though, the trim on the glovebox is phony and you can see it.
Maverick: Do you really think anybody’s gonna notice that kinda crap? After looking at the way this car looks?
Marv: You’d be surprised. Car reviewers really latch onto this shit as well: They see brushed aluminum or wood that’s actually plastic, it’s no better than a shark seeing blood. Phoniness doesn’t fly when you’re trying to be all pretentious and luxurious.
Phil: Way I see it, it gets the job done. This is the kinda car you wish you had if you’re not a superstar, and that’s all I gotta say about that!
Dropping off the super-star-car at its dealer, the heels loaded themselves into their two-car convoy and headed for a waffle house to get some grub. And at no later than 11 in the morn, they were already to their next destination: the Atera dealership.
Alan: Again, wow! I oughta be more in touch with this Japanese car business. This looks pretty killer!
Phil: Now, I wouldn’t say it’s got the flair of the French car, but this looks sharp. Low, too - I’m actually surprised at the size of those wheels. They don’t look much taller than the ones on my shitbox - though there is much more rim here.
Maverick: I’m very much a fan of the flying-buttress rear of the thing. The proportions may be a bit too aggressive - even coupe-like in the rear there. No big deck to speak of. Ope, that there’s the lack of trunk space.
The test drive begins in a brisk manner, and there is once again a satisfaction among the rear seat passengers - but there is a looming undertone of confusion brewing.
Maverick: This is weird. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting with this thing, it was not… This.
Scott: Yep… I’m thinking the same thing. It’s a very fast car and handles pretty well, but I can tell from here it’s about as vague as mashed potatoes. On those tires, too? Straight up weird.
Alan: To be honest, while it’s pretty comfy back here, it’s not De Valz comfy or anything. It just doesn’t have the space; and as your designated middle seat guy, I have my concerns.
Maverick: Honestly, I could get used to the driving eventually. Weird as it might be, it’s not hard - and the tires do grip pretty well. Just might not be as much of a straight-up knockout as the other cars appeared - and let’s be honest, we’re all more awake now.
Marv: Jut so all you tire-kickers are aware, this is a very highly-rated car in terms of consumer satisfaction. Doesn’t break, cheap enough to fix, and Ateras don’t tend to rust much at all. I’d keep it in the running.
Alan: Please don’t tell me this one’s Japanese too…
Phil: Are you screwing with me? There was an American flag half the size of a football field in that lobby. I could probably bite this thing and taste me some apple pie.
Maverick: I’ve been looking forward to the Pantheon. They really hyped it up in that review; andit does look gorgeous, even if I don’t really care for the weird C-pillar thing it’s got going on.
Marv: If you were to show this to Eric, he’d be redder than the car with jealousy, that’s for sure. And you gotta give props, it’s not easy to make a car look majestic and still have it be competitive these days.
As the heels finish boarding the yacht-like sedan, the doors close with a solid, dull thud, the last of them coming close to clogging some ears.
Maverick: Is that quality, or what?
On the road, Mav notes that the car does seem very American - not quite as easy to drive, not very taut, not very fast. There are also rumblings from the spacious cavern behind…
Scott: You know, as much as I appreciate the extra space, a Suisei this is not. Suspension’s not as buttery smooth as the rest, and the seats are only leather. Where’s my crushed velour? Where’s my Japanese wool?
Phil: Aw, shut up! You sound as spoiled as year-old milk. This is a cheaper car, it’s got actual utilitarianism to it, and it’s a damn sight better than anything I’ve ever had.
Marv: Either way, the market’s spoken on this car. Its combination of build quality and looks makes it a prestigious and desirable vehicle even without an overly plushy interior. If nothing else, that’s just impressive.
After dropping off the splendid Sentinel, the heels pull into a fast food joint for a late lunch. At the urging of Phil, who’s anxious about his opening match appearance, they don’t stay long - and as dusk draws nearer, they enter the older parts of the city where the prestigious DCMW dealer is located.
DCMW Mujjahir Standard Six - @moroza
Phil: So this is the Standard Six? Doesn’t even seem that bad to me. Room in the back, tailgate, you could almost make a tradesman’s case for it.
Scott: As always, I’m happiest when chauffeured. They even got those coach doors, make you feel like royalty.
Maverick: Yeah, too bad the car doesn’t look that regal itself. We’ve seen two good luxury hatchbacks today, this isn’t how you do it. Got a whole damn grab handle for the tailgate there. And these mirrors… I don’t know which dumpster they came from, but I’m tempted to put them right back.
Alan: And look at that front, too. Whole car’s flowy and then there’s this flat-ass vertical nose.
On the streets, the Six is able to show off its adaptive air suspension, making quick work of the myriad potholes peppered all around.
Maverick: It does drive good, I’m not saying it doesn’t. But even the French car was less lethargic, and that weighed as much as a house.
Scott: Doesn’t it bring back memories? You had that kind of engine in your little Canadian shitbox as well.
Maverick: Yeah, and just like with that car, I have to let it give me an earful so that it actually moves.
Marv: I do really like the way everything’s put together here. Maybe not haute couture, but I don’t figure it’d put a foot wrong.
Alan: I think this is a really good deal overall. Cheaper than most of them. Doesn’t have the presence of most of the others, though.
Because or perhaps in spite of Phil’s constant nagging, the heels ended their test drives with time to spare - and the hothead, after stuffing Scott and Alan into his car, went to the event. This left Maverick and Marv - in Scott’s car, no less - to contemplate the former’s vehicular future.
Marv: You’ve been thinking for a while now. In my experience, if you start by figuring out which car is least fitting, you’ll eventually work your way down to one car.
Maverick: I was just about to say… I don’t know what I want, but I don’t really want the Atera. Weird little combination of quickness and marshmallowness that I don’t really know how to go about.
5th Place: Atera Excelsis Regal - @GetWrekt01 & @HybridTronny
The outlier of a group is usually best or worst - and sadly, the Excelsis is the latter. Discounting the weird disposition of a midsize car with a very full-size wheelbase and compact wheels, the fact that it’s far and away the smallest car of the bunch compromises its space and - to a lesser extent - comfort rating. And the midsize shape doesn’t even help in the economics department, as this car uses the full budget.
Maverick: And right after that, I wanna be done with the Dalluhan car. It’s just not something I can really enjoy, and all the remaining cars have it just about matched as far as sensibility goes.
4th Place: DCMW Mujjahir Standard Six - @moroza
The DCMW is, as expected, a masterclass in optimization - a gentle front-drive cruiser with few weak spots. However, the crucial one-two of the least appealing design left in the running - alongside the second-worst prestige - basically precludes it going any higher. Also to be noted is the lethargic-for-a-fullsize 200 horsepower: each other finalist manages ~50 more.
Marv: …So you’ve ruled out two quirky, but overall very dependable and high-quality products. Can you at least tell me the French rustbucket is going next?
Maverick: I mean, I suppose-- No, wait… No, I don’t think so. I think I want to get rid of the Suisei.
Marv: Oh, God. Scotty’s gonna cuss you out for that one.
3rd Place: Suisei Tempus - @Falling_Comet
The only remaining sedan scores some interesting victories (like ending up higher on my space index than the Pantheon despite 1 less door) and soundly beats the less sporty hatchbacks in the dynamics department. All said and done though, the Tempus is in second place out of the remaining 3 in every metric - and is handily less… handsome than both. A very good effort let down by the fact that the other guys all decided to go very hard for no reason.
Marv: So what we’re looking at here is a contest between a pretty French luxoboat and a pretty American luxoboat… What’s this pattern I’m seeing?
Maverick: I did make it pretty clear I wanted something with flair. Those are both amazing rides that I would buy in a heartbeat, but here’s something I’ve noticed: When we talk about the Pantheon, we talk about it being beautiful. With the De Valz, it’s always a “beautful, but…”
Marv: Are you saying there’s no "but"s for the Pantheon?
Maverick: Apart from “but it’s not a literal king-size bed”? Not really. I’m not giving away anything in picking this beautiful bastard.
Runner-up: De Valz Celeste - @pen15
Between this car and the Pantheon, it’s very, very close. They both look great, and the Celeste does prevail in a lot of 2-star and 3-star domains, like comfort and space - where it’s the best of all the non-instabins - and fuel economy. However, the De Valz fails to step up on reliability, performance, service costs - and that all-important 4-star stat, prestige. This is why it’s second, and the Pantheon…
WINNER: Sentinel Pantheon - @vero94773 and @Kyorg
…Is first. BAH GAWD IT’S THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! In all seriousness, this is a great build visually and statistically, and before the “narrowing-down” of competition to the finals it was the favorite in raw numbers - the De Valz just manages to almost close the gap in head-to-head competition. There are few things I would change here, except for one: This would have been even more rancidly perfect had it been a V8 transverse FWD, like many American luxury cars in this era. And yes, it still would have won if so reconfigured.
Epilogue
The show was in full swing. Aerial Alan, Phenomenal Phil and their new friend, Scott Suave, won the day through typical trickery and deception, and announced their plans to dominate the wrestling territory through the addition of two seriously dangerous new addition - stay tuned and watch the next televised show to find out who they are, yadda yadda. For now, though, the cameras did not follow these despicable evildoers all the way into the parking lot - it’s not 1975, after all.
Scott: So, this is your decision? Well, I guess it’s still leagues better than Phil’s car.
Alan: Damn, it looks absolutely mean in black!
Phil: Know what, old man? You’re alright.
Top Dozen Rankings:
- @Kyorg & @vero94773
- @pen15
- @Falling_Comet
- @moroza
- @GetWrekt01 & @HybridTronny
- @Mad_Cat & @Tsundere-kun
- @karhgath
- @IncredibleHondaFit
- @mart1n2005
- @Rise_Comics & @xsneakyxsimx
- @spede3
- @Portalkat42
Thank you all for taking part - and sorry about the annoying delay!
CSR 161 END
Really did not expect that.