ahahah that’s funny better fuel economy I think it gets -9 MPG
OOF, well then, if you think quad 4 barrel carbs can get better mpg sure
the thing weighs 5800 lbs (idk how it’s not more) and it only has 300 hp and 375 ft-lbs. And it’s supposed to tow 6000 lbs. 0-60 is already 10 sec lol
Oh shit, so I’m wrong on many assumptions about yours being lighter and faster
It’s a truck. Ladder frame, leaf spring rear, cheap six cylinder because it’s smooth and a V8’s expensive. All the money and thought is in the body, I threw an old truck engine in there lol. It’s probably cheaper, that’s it.
Ouch, I went all out and you went cheap, literal opposites. Can’t wait to see him drive these especially him trying to drive mine
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Corpse Voyage. Hell yeah.
Just as a quick update, you have under 10 days left to submit your entry 
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You have just under 4 hours to submit your entries!
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Albatross Motors Presents, the all-new Albatross DepresSUV, the best vehicle for the worst days. This full-size SUV is powered by a 2.2 liter turbocharged I4 engine, making 184 horsepower and 192 lb-ft of torque. Coupled with a 6-speed electronically controlled automatic transmission, the DepresSUV will accelerate from 0-62 in 9.3 seconds, and reach an electronically limited top speed of 112 mph. Despite its size, the DepresSUV will also get 31.3 MPG US. On the inside, you get 5 leather trimmed seats, a panoramic sunroof, ABS, traction control, electrical stability control, and everything else you would expect from the latest Albatross Motors vehicles. Prices start at just $16,525. See your local Albatross dealer to learn more.
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Entries are now closed!
I shall be doing a stream to review them this weekend!
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Probably about 2pm UK time tomorrow (if all goes well!)
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Results
All prices are worked out with 100% markup
As John Dremmer picked up his copy of Hearse and Driver to look for a new vehicle to join his fleet to replace his aging Voluptas his was pleasantly surprised to see that 8 pre-built hearses had been released this year. In his almost childish excitement as the prospect of a new vehicle John started reading about them.
Shormet Orleans @DoctorNarfy
John opened up Hearse and Driver to the first review, the Shormet Orleans. He was instantly surprised at the engine layout “a boxer 6” he thought, “what is this, a sports car?!”. Quickly his worries were quelled.
“The Shormet is one of the most comfortable and reliable cars we have ever had the pleasure of testing here at Hearse and Driver”
“Interesting” John exclaimed, as he read on the review waxed lyrical about the above average load capacity and fuel economy. As John finishes the review, he makes a note to take a test drive.
Fleetline XS Hearse @lukerules117
After starting to read the review on the Fleetline XS John was impressed at how efficient the 8 litre inline 6 was, how did they manage nearly 30mpg out of an engine that big?! Part of John wanted him to pick up the phone then and there to book a test drive but John read on.
John glanced over to the pictures as was a little confused, it appeared that the magazine had phone shopped off the edge of the lights towards the wings, but no, every picture was the same, was this on purpose?
After breaking out of his confusion John continued reading:
“For a hearse to work you need to make sure that your customers are as comfortable as possible in there time of sorrow and with the limited leg room available in the back of the Fleetline XS could be a possible issue.”
The review went into further detail around the load capacity which although sufficient for most use cases could become an issue with some of the larger caskets, as John was looking for a new premier vehicle he wanted to make sure that he would not have to turn away a job just to the size of the deceased.
After this John decided that as much as he was impressed with the engine he wouldn’t be arranging a test drive.
Benegal Legatus @GROOV3ST3R
Flicking to the next review John saw the Legatus, “wow, that’s one hell of a looker” John thought. He knew the looks would be something that would impress his customers. Hopefully this one will live up to its looks John thought as he starts reading.
“No matter if you are going at motorway speed, along country roads or through a town centre the Legatus is a dream to drive, nothing comes close in capability”
“Wow, this is going well” thought John, surely there must be a cost to all of all of this, and sure enough there was. All this quality was going to push the budget John had set aside, the dealer price is £58,522. John grimaces but makes a note to take a test drive, if it’s as good as the review says it might just be worth the money.
Sinistra Ceremonial @Madrias
Still slightly shaken by the disappointment that the Fleetline’s trim didn’t live up to its engine John gets the to review of the Sinistra and his jaw almost hits the floor. “NEARLY 11 LITRES?!” he screams out before he realises people can hear. Who is putting aeroplane engines in cars?! After picking his jaw off the floor and looking at the promo shots a little more John sees the oddly out of place rims and starts the query the cars true use.
The reviewer was impressed be the drivability and load capacity of the Sinistra making remakes that they were industry leading. John starts getting a little excited that his dream of owning a big block V8 might be starting to come true. However as he approaches the conclusion the review takes a turn.
“Unfortunately the Sinistra feels more like a drag racer than a hearse, no one can doubt that if you were late to a funeral this would be the vehicle to get you there but you would not arrive in comfort”
As a person who is fastidious about being on time John strikes this one off the list.
Slenderman Black Suit @droya
John flicks through the magazine looking for the next car and is greeted by the title of the next review “V16 Hearse, the first, but is it the last?” intrigued John reads on.
“We were sceptical as anyone that a V16 could ever work in a hearse but through some form of witch craft it’s a good fomula for comfort!”
John glances further down the review to look at the price, expecting it to be well out of his price range and to his surprise it wasn’t, £57,204 was the dealer price!
The Collins Coachworks Chariot Hearse @CC9020
John, disappointed at his dream being shattered again, moves onto the next car and see’s the Collins Coachworks Chariot. “Hum, a 6 litre inline six, that seems a little more reasonable” John thinks, lets start reading.
“If you ever needed to move a morgue you could do it in the Chariot in one go, the Chariot has such a high load capacity we couldn’t fill it even if we tried!”
John starts feeling positive about the Chariot, maybe this could be the car they need! Unfortunately as he reads on he is shocked by the fuel economy, 13.9mpg. “How is that even possible from that engine?” John ponders to himself.
The review also complains at the high amount wheel spin in the first 4 gears which makes the car difficult to drive. At £59,982 John strikes it off the list, theres no way he is willing to pay that much for a car this hard to drive and this inefficient!
Meijer Shibuya @TheAlmightyTwingo
John flicks over to the next review, oh another wagon hopefully this one might be better. It starts off positively, with a 4.5 litre inline 6 the engine seems as little more fitting to its purpose than the last few cars. The styling is certainly closer to what John was expecting as well.
“This car is one of quietest we have tested this year which impressed us from such a large displacement engine.”
“Well that’s good for us, the last thing we want to do is draw attention” thinks John. However as he reads on he starts seeing some worrying signs. As the review goes into its capabilities as a hearse it starts to fall apart, with the lowest load capacity of any vehicle tested this year and disappointing comfort John srikes it off the list. As he does so he sees the price and fuel economy and then makes doubly sure to not book a test drive.
DepresSUV @zschmeez
“Oh jeez, I hope these are going to get better” John thinks to himself as he lets out a sigh and flicks to the DepresSUV, as John reads out the name he gives out a little chuckle. Let’s hope the car doesn’t live up to the name!
“The DepresSUV is a true all rounder and even excels in some areas, at this price its hard to beat”
Well that’s a pretty positive, I should probably go and have a closer look. John goes and jots the number down for the dealership
The Test Drives
4th - Slenderman @droya
The first dealership John arrives at is for the Slenderman, John asks to see the engine and the salesman obliges, it appears that this wouldn’t be the first time that he has been through this routine. “Is that really a V16?” John asks, “Yes, it really is” the salesman responses unenthusiastically, “would you like to take her out for a test drive?” “Yes please” responds John.
As John starts to drive he notices how much wheel spin this car has at low speeds, such a shame. As John drives out towards the countryside John notices that the car doesn’t quite have the same want to turn as he does. The salesman quickly chirps up “it’s best to turn in a little earlier with the Slenderman”. Just as he says that smoke starts pouring from the engine. “Well I guess this test drive is over” John comments.
Joint 2nd - Legatus @GROOV3ST3R
As John approaches the dealership for the Bengal he makes sure he has a firm grip on his wallet. The cost of this car almost feels like money is sucked from you as you walk through the door.
That being said, as you walk through the door you are greeted by a car with serious, but understated, presence. John walks over to the salesman, after a brief cat they head out for a test drive. As John turns the key he wonders if the car has been immobilised, the salesman laughs “no, that’s just how quiet the Bengal is”.
As they pull out of the dealership the Bengal has a small amount of wheel slippage but certainly nothing that a gentle right foot couldn’t solve. Gratefully this time John makes it backs to the dealership in the car, “so how was it?” the salesman asks. “It was great, so easy to drive at all speeds and wherever we went. Consider me impressed” John responds, “I have a few other cars to consider but I will keee this in mind”
John leave the dealership with the niggling worry of the cost of the Legatus .
Joint 2nd - Orleans @DoctorNarfy
As John walks into the next dealership his eye is caught by the pearlescent nature of the Orleans. “That colours beautiful isn’t it?” John hears from the salesman walking towards him. “Fancy taking her out for a drive?” “I’d love to” John responds.
Although slightly louder than the Legatus it’s hardly noticeable, what is noticeable though is how much more comfortable to luxury interior interior of the Orleans is. John turns to the salesman and queries “how much does this cost in this trim”, “only £56,230, its a real steal for this quality”.
As John approaches a narrow bridge he gulps “it’s a little wide isn’t it?” he mentions snarkily. When they get back to the dealership John has a look around the car and notices the ride height, that’s might be a challenge for some of the elderly relatives of the deceased.
Overall John is impressed with the Orleans but some concerns around the practicality are niggling him.
1st - DepresSUV @zschmeez
John walks into the Albatross dealership as approaches the DepresSUV, whilst it certainly doesn’t have the styling flair of the Legatus or Orleans it’s definitely not offensive. John has a look at the pedestal beside the car showing the published statistics, 36.8 mpg and all for £33,050, “this is reduce my running costs massively!” John thinks.
John approaches the salesman and asks if he could take the DepresSUV out for a drive. As they pull out of the dealership John notices a little wheel spin, whilst not ideal its easily dealt with when the car shifts to second. After the luxury of the Orleans the DepresSUV is a bit of a step down however it couldn’t be classed as uncomfortable for driver or passenger.
As John approaches the same bridge he had issues with in the Orleans there are no issues with the DespresSUV, “that’ll help when we come out to the country” thinks John. When they get back to the dealership John walks to the rear of the car to see how easy it is to access the casket space as is impressed by the simplicity and convince of the height.
John approaches the salesman, “I think this is the exact car that we were looking for to add to our fleet, consider this a deal!”
Round Up
Thank you to all who participated, this reviews are meant as a point of view rather than criticism. I have enjoyed seeing the different way people have approached this challenge and I hope you enjoyed building cars for it!
If anyone wants to watch the VOD of the in game reviews it can be found below:
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The depresUV won?!?!? Whaaat? Ok
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IKR, I was so confident of my entry too 
But then again, I didn’t pick up on that safety aspect, could have made some serious savings or put it into a nicer interior.
I am very happy you liked my styling! I didn’t pick up on the ‘‘spicing up’’ aspect of paint but that’s okay. Chalk it up to experience, each time I learn something new.
But all in, the most suitable vehicle took it. Well done @zschmeez!
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Albatross Motors would like to congratulate John on his purchase of a new Albatross vehicle, and welcome him to the Albatross family.
In all seriousness, thanks for this. It originally started as an old CSR I had built, but the body morph got all screwy and I basically had to redo. At some point in the challenge, it also changed from traditional FR layout with a NA V6 to a transverse turbo 4, and I guess that helped as well. All in all, an interesting competition. Thanks for that!
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Yeah, I expected that. I picked an engine ‘off the shelf’ that I already had laying around. Could’ve been a little more efficient, I suppose, but then I wouldn’t have used an engine from 1971 as my base to work with.
As for styling, well, I’ll be first to admit, I’m not all that good with it. I tend to get an idea in my head and run with it.
Either way, congratulations to zschmeez for winning the challenge!
14 MPG gang