Hilbert's Car Junkyard

“It’s like an SUV, but better” Said the car salesman. Quite frankly, you don’t know what to think. It does tick most of the boxes. It’s an SUV… Sorta? And that’s pretty much the only box there is to tick.

It does remind you of a station wagon. Now that you think about it more, it’s actually just a station wagon with plastic cladding. A quick glance at the price tag makes you forget of all the body style related issues. Starting from $21,400. “I can make some compromises for that price.” You think. “I wonder how they got the price so low…” As you open the drivers door you realize, “That’s how, apparently.” God, it feels like the handle is about to come off. And this is a brand new car! However the interior is much more… High quality? It feels like an actual car. Like a proper SUV! You do get to sit somewhat high, and the seats are quite comfortable. The salesman hands you the key.

The car is easy to drive. Just shift it to D and let the car handle the gear changes. However, the car simply just lacks power. Even when you floor it the car just won’t go. 0 to 100km/h in 14 seconds? And that’s only with the driver in it. Now put five people and their luggage… It’s just too slow.

You drive back to the dealership, thinking that this just isn’t your car. The salesman definitely understands your concern. That’s where the higher trim model comes in! The engine is the same, 1.5L inline 4. However this time it comes with a turbo! “Whereas the base model makes 102hp, this one makes 159hp.” The salesman explains.

All that is Hebrew to you. What are these numbers?? You walk to the rear, to inspect the cargo space. When you open the trunk, you notice two additional seats. How on earth are you going to fit two more people in there? Well, it’s not going to be comfortable, but why would you care? It’s not like you ever need to sit there.

But surely all this comes with a price, right? I mean, there are quite a many things here. Turbo, all wheel drive, 7 seats… You’re already preparing for the worst, however it was a pleasant surprise. Only $27,000.

And that’s how you ended up with a Korean crossover wagon.

I remember the distant time when I actually told you the specs of the car.

4 Likes

YANGWOO

YOU ARE BIG FUCKING AGGRESSIVE MAN

BIG MANLY FUCK!!!

YOU DRIVE A YANGWOOOOOOOOOOO

MOTHERFUCKER

YOU DRINK ORGANIC CAULIFLOWER SMOOTHIE

YOU SHOP AT WALMART

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

COOLFUCKINGGLETTERSKULLBLUECOOLBADASSMFER(1)

DRIVE RESPONSIBILITY

REMEMBER TO DRIVE NICELY

DRIVE YANGWOO

same shit but for phone users

YANGWOO

YOU ARE BIG FUCKING AGGRESSIVE MAN

BIG MANLY FUCK!!!

YOU DRIVE A YANGWOOOOOOOOOOO

MOTHERFUCKER

YOU DRINK ORGANIC CAULIFLOWER SMOOTHIE

YOU SHOP AT WALMART

LOVE THY NEIGHBOR

COOLFUCKINGGLETTERSKULLBLUECOOLBADASSMFER(1)

DRIVE RESPONSIBILITY

REMEMBER TO DRIVE NICELY

DRIVE YANGWOO

10 Likes

I just got gonorrhea on my retinas.

5 Likes

Bad to the bone riff.mp3

Honestly this was an amazing post to read
Very original, approved

3 Likes

hi am back

Congratulations! You’ve been promoted! You’re now officially a middle manager in some office. This means a nice pay raise. With all that money, you can afford to do things! I mean, you could take your family on a vacation or… You could also visit your local Brindley dealer and buy a brand new car!

As you walk in you’re instantly greeted by the all new 2013 Brindley Phoenix. It’s white, it comes with steel wheels. Erm, six speed manual gearbox? CD player etc. You get it! However it’s just little bit too spartan, or so you think. That’s when the fancier trim levels come in!

2L engine, 6-speed dual clutch transmission. Fog lights, leather seats. Lovely teal paintjob. Ironically enough, the trim itself is simply called Power!, which the car certainly doesn’t have too much. The engine manages to push out a tad bit under 140hp. However it does get you to highway speeds in less than 10 seconds. All this for less than $16,000!

It’s literally the perfect car for you! You wonder whether you should call your wife or not. Oh well, she’ll understand. She’s an understanding woman. Now we just do the financing paperwork etc etc, and you’re free to drive away in your brand new car!

You enthusiastically show your latest purchase to your wife! Turns out she wasn’t as understanding as you thought. I wonder why. Someone didn’t appreciate that 8% APR and $215 monthly payment for the next 6 years. Oh well! It also turns out you’re not sleeping at home this night. But that’s when the roomy and comfortable backseat comes in.

But if we’re being entirely honest here, who even needs a marriage when you have a 2013 Brindley Phoenix!

Gotta love the subcompact executive cars

4 Likes

Lada Vesta?
Lada Granta?

1 Like

huh I came here and expected old beaters, but this is nice too