JOC4B Reviews & Results
Part 1: Separating the Wheat from the Chaff (instabins)
Top row, left to right: Chorachestry Laconic by @kalan, VAM 415sr by @doot, Cavaliere Nobile Strato TTS Evoluzione by @Happyhungryhippo, Cornell Special Works Stellarum Langenschwanz by @kaybee, Zephorus Grimsel by @Riley, Nisemono Sukairain TS-R by @xsneakyxsimx, and Bruno’s own AMS Albite 4.0 ES.
Bottom row, left to right: BSC K-GT (with drivers package) by @mart1n2005, Bizzarro Corvo 7000 by @Texaslav, Planar 9.5EX Hazel Owlsa I FE-S by @lotto77, Zenith RS by @yakiniku260, Nordwagen Loki GS-6x2 by @moroza, FMW CR12 by @the-chowi, and Atlas Acorus v2 by @skawkclsrn.
IAA Frankfurt, September 14, 1995 - Bruno Schultz, in search of a new weekend toy after selling his '82 Zephorus Stelvio a few years back, turned up to the Frankfurt Motor Show with his wife and children in his '91 AMS Albite 4.0 ES. When he made his way to the main exhibition hall, his jaw hit the floor - there were thirteen options available to him. As the world’s motoring press (including such esteemed publications as MotorCar and Highway & Raceway) descended on the show hall, Bruno gave his verdicts on each car, with a little help from his family. However, there were a few cars that he had to discount immediately for not meeting his requirements:
Bizzarro Corvo 7000 - “This is too similar to my old Stelvio on the outside, quite frankly. At least it’s a lot faster, but leaving too much space between the power peak and the redline is not a good idea.”
(Instabinned for being built on one of the Moore body sets, whose unlock year was 1972 - 8 years before the minimum cut-off date of 1980. Anachronisms aside, its engine has 900 rpm between the redline and power peak, with severe power drop-off in between - never desirable or advisable even for a performance engine - and this alone would force Bruno to pass it up.)
Atlas Acorus V2 by @skawkclsrn - “The brochure mentioned an automated manual, but it actually has an advanced automatic - and that earns it an instant no from me. Also, it has even more wasted space between the redline and power peak.”
(Instabinned for having an advanced automatic transmission instead of a manual or auto manual gearbox. Also, its engine has the same problem as the Corvo’s, but worse - 1500 rpm between the power peak and rev limiter is at least 1000 too many.)
Planar 9.5 EX Hazel Owlsa I FE-S by @lotto77 - “They brought a personal luxury car to a grand touring fight? I’m not yet old enough for one of these!”
(Instabinned for having an advanced automatic transmission, just like the Acorus - but with an open diff and hydropneumatic suspension, Bruno won’t get much of a thrill from driving this one anyway, and it looks dated to boot.)
Part 2: Out of Control (eligible, but fatally flawed)
After the instabins, there were nine cars left for him to rank in ascending order. However, some of these still had fatal flaws that ruled them out immediately.
Choracestry Laconic by @kalan -“On the outside, it looks like a modernized version of KITT with Super Pursuit Mode activated - if the show got remade for the '90s, this is what it could look like. Unfortunately, square-fitment (i.e., non-staggered) medium compound tires and front-biased negative camber angles give it an alarming tendency to oversteer, despite its all-iron, twin-turbo V12. That engine by the way, is a real powerhouse, but generates too much wheelspin for its output to be harnessed safely.”
Zenith RS by @yakiniku260 - “It looks like a track-ready sports car, but in reality it’s too much of a deathtrap thanks to excessive front camber. The substandard quality on the safety and assistance kit doesn’t help, and with its overly stiff active springs, no person in their right mind would even consider using this as a daily driver. At any rate, this thing needs another pass through quality control before it can be even remotely competitive.”
VAM 415sr by @doot - “This is one of two sedan-based entries left in the field. VAM touts it as their sportiest variant, hence the absence of a rear seat and a lightweight interior. With 400 bhp from its twin-turbo V6, it can also haul ass in a straight line. However, excessive negative toe-in gives it an unwanted tendency to oversteer, almost to the same extent as the others. Also, its looks are nothing to write home about. Overall, another car that’s too unruly for me.”
Part 3: Best of the Rest (good, but not quite finalist material)
Unlike the previous three cars, these three didn’t have overly wayward handling, but all of them ultimately fell short for one reason or another.
Nordwagen Loki GS-6x2 by @moroza - “This is basically a supercar in the shell of a lightweight kit car, with carbon-fiber construction hiding a high-revving, high-displacement flat-six nestled in the middle. It’s very fast for sure, and thanks to rock-hard springs, it also handles like a dream, but at the expense of a comfortable ride, even with a top-shelf sound system. Also, the nose reminds me of a mouse - or a spider - and that’s not something my coworkers would approve of.”
BSC K-GT (with drivers package) by @mart1n2005 - “This is one of the most luxurious grand tourers you can buy, with a top-notch luxury interior and stereo that also happens to be very well-built. It also looks the part from every angle, and even has a cutting-edge auto manual gearbox. However, therein lies the problem, for that is the source of its downfall. It saps a lot of the enjoyment from the driving experience - I would have preferred a two-seater version with a conventional six-speed manual for a more focused feel.”
FMW CR12 by @the-chowi - “A very muscular grand tourer, and one that’s very easy to drive. Has the grunt and grip to back up its looks as well. Among the GTs present here, this is the best option. However, as good as it is, there are still a few options here that are decidedly sportier, so I must regrettably pass this one up as well.”
(Disclaimer: I originally instabinned this for overuse of techpool - +7 in every area, hence the $221M techpool cost, which is nearly three times the limit for this round, but have been forced to retract my decision and place it here after forgetting to mention explicitly whether it referred to the techpool cost only, or the total cost, which is the sum of the techpool and lab costs. However, the CR12 still lags behind the top contenders in terms of sportiness, so it wouldn’t have made the podium anyway.)
Nisemono Sukairain TS-R by @xsneakyxsimx - “Finally, something that might actually be worth my time and money! This one has a well-sorted AWD chassis, backed up by active springs and semi-active sway bars. It also has enough power to leverage the extra traction it provides. In terms of aesthetics, however, it’s not the most striking thing on the road, but it’s decent enough. However, with a sports interior and only a premium CD player, it’s clear that this was a driver’s car first and a passenger car second.”
Part 4: The Cream of the Crop (finalists)
Last but not least, these were the top three cars on Bruno’s list - they got more stuff right and less stuff wrong in his view compared to the others.
Cornell Special Works Stellarum Langenschwanz by @kaybee - “Nobody expected an overweight (2.1 tons), overpowered (635bhp iron-block, alloy-head V12), and oversized (4.65m long, 1.97m wide) AWD V12 supercar to really work, but this one does - very well indeed, in fact. This one has power, presence, and grip for days, but it ultimately falls short of a podium spot on account of being overdamped and having a little more space between peak power and rev limiter than I’d like. Also, the sport interior and standard CD player, despite being cheap and light, are no substitute for a full-on luxury interior and stereo. This is clearly a case of too many cooks spoil the stew, and so it can go no further.”
Cavaliere Nobile Strato TTS Evoluzione by @Happyhungryhippo - “As the only rear-engined car here, it’s a quirky choice - I would have preferred less upright proportions and a less fish-like face - but it strikes a better balance between comfort and sportiness. In fact, in terms of straight-line and handling performance, it’s a truly top-tier performer. However, some of the money spent elsewhere unnecessarily could have been allocated to a proper luxury stereo system instead of a mere premium one. Overall, a great all-around choice, just outshined by the last car on this list.”
Zephorus Grimsel by @Riley - “Finally, this is what I’ve been looking for! Zephorus has rebounded from the disappointment of the Stelvio - and in spectacular fashion. It matches the Cornell on overall performance, but beats it handily in comfort, and most importantly, boasts class-leading prestige - especially Überholprestige. My only nitpicks are the absence of a passenger side airbag, but they’re not mandatory here anyway - yet. The overbuilt mechanicals and high-quality bodywork are icing on the cake. In the end, this is the best option for my money, and so I have no choice but to go with this one for my next purchase.”
Congratulations to @Riley for winning JOC4B!
Finishing order (for hosting JOC4C)
1: @Riley
2: @Happyhungryhippo
3: @kaybee
4: @xsneakyxsimx
5: @the-chowi
6: @mart1n2005
7: @moroza
8: @doot
9: @yakiniku260
Many thanks not only to @ldub0775 (who created JOC4A), but also everyone who participated in JOC4B - I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did!
Epilogue
Bruno’s two cars - a Zephorus Grimsel alongside his AMS Albite - parked near a beach on the French Riviera.
After hours of wandering through IAA 1995, Bruno finally found the car he wanted - a Zephorus Grimsel - on the company’s stand, and immediately placed an order. Having read several magazine articles about it, he expected it to be the best one in its class - and it was. The moment he received it, he felt like he was experiencing real motoring nirvana. Whether it was blitzing the Autobahn or slicing though twisting mountain passes, the Grimsel demolished the road with ease, and he was treated as a hero everywhere he went. His colleagues, family, and friends were all impressed - and unlike the Stelvio, which only brought him grief after just a few years of ownership, the Grimsel would give him nothing but joy for years to come.
Stay tuned for JOC4C - I hope whoever hosts it is up to the task!