Eh, there’s a decent chance Spaceboy prefers a Phoenix, or a number of other competitors - even if I didn’t break rules this time…
2 Likes
Reviews Round 1 - The Inexcusable
aka the instabins and the especially bad cars
Red Lobster, somwhere in Florida
“Say, Kenneth.” a colleague asked, “I heard that you are looking for a new sports car!”
“Well, I just figured I’d get myself a new, fun car.” Kenneth replied, chuckling, “My Cabirou is getting old, so might as well replace it with something new!”
“Well, I can’t really recommend you cars at the moment but I CAN tell you what to NOT buy!”
Kenneth’s colleague pulled out a copy of Velocity magazine and handed it over to Kenneth.
“Alright, let’s see…”
Globus Phoenix John Player Special Edtiton
“You ever heard about Globus, Ken?”
“Yeah, they’re quite alright. Not the best lookers but they certainly are solid cars.”
“That’s one way to put it. The thing is, the company is currently being investigated for supposedly stealing top-secret military tech from Lockheed. I don’t know the details or how it’s supposed to improve a sports coupe like the Phoenix, but it happened.”
“Well that’s one hell of a way to get ahead of the competition! Surely our future generations won’t resort to leaking classified military secrets to win arguments against other people on something as trivial as a military simulation game.”
“Hahaha, that would be utterly ridiculous! How’d you even come up with stuff like that?”
“Ahahahahaha!”
(Binned for having 5 TP points in the drivetrain area, exceeding the maximum limit of 4. That point could have gone somewhere else, like the body or chassis. The car provides good value for money with good enough stats, though the car is ultimately outgunned by the competition.)
BM Gumiho-84
“Hey Kenneth, you might not want to buy this one.”
“Why not? I mean sure it’s one of those new fangled hot hatchbacks and it looks decent from this angle…”
"Surely it's also going to look decent from..."
“WHOA WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLLLL… OMAGAAAAAA NO WAYEAYEAYEAY WHAT ARE THOSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!?!?! Bad to the Bone riff plays IS HE NEXT UP OUT OF OHIO??? 
”
“K-Kenneth? Are you alright?”
(Stats-wise, it is about average and does not offer many advantages over its competitors (while also having a higher than average purchase price). Even if it did have an edge over other cars, Kenneth would rather not have a “goofy ahh” vehicle (as the kids call it) with a comically long hood that makes it look like a shoe.)
Nerruci 320 Spyder
“Oh wow, an exotic Italian supercar! Shame it’s dead unreliable and also not very sporty, not to mention its style and and hydropneumatic suspension for whatever reason.”
“Shame.”
(Styling wise, you might have chosen a body that’s too round for an early 1980s car. But the real kicker here is the engineering and stats. 4v for a supercar engine, sure. But the hydropneumatic suspension is not appropriate for a car like this, and neither is the suspension tuning. This car is the least reliable of the bunch and is also consumes the most fuel. Drivability is on the lower side (expected for a mid-engined car) but sportiness is too low for what the car is. A set of sports tyres would’ve definitely helped with handling, and the engine loudness really didn’t need to be maxxed out at a precise 50.0)
More results coming soon™
15 Likes
I feel bad for this too, but I got a great laugh from the comments about the korean hatch… 
2 Likes
the war thunder challenger leaks reference in the Globus’ bin was gold
3 Likes
About everything else, i don’t have anything to say from my part other than i messed up badly, but for the engine sound, at the time i was thinking like, "If i have a sports car, do i want it to sound like a vacuum cleaner (Porsche) or a monster… 
Not all body sets are period-correct for their initial unlock year (or even the first few years thereafter), as this quote from CSR 147 taught us:
Also, most cars can get away with a loudness value of 30-38, but a performance intake increases this value to above 50 considering the change in noise calculations for 4.2.
2 Likes
And now techpool has made it worse. Bodies like the 90 series Corolla has already unlocked too early (1980) IMO, technically we could get rounds with the Corolla bodies in the late 70s now which would be totally wrong from a realism standpoint…
4 Likes
It should be worth noting that some variants of the E90 Corolla body sets bear a slight resemblance to the Ford Sierra, which came out in 1982.
Yeah, I made a Sierra clone on the body once. But there is a difference between 1982 and say 1977 when it comes to car styling.
Hosts can always stipulate that body techpool shall be set to 0…
3 Likes
The body in question, iirc, unlocks in ‘84 with 0 techpool. But using this body as soon as it unlocks is a trap, as something this bulbous and rounded just isn’t going to look like something from 1984.
6 Likes
Correction: the unlock year for the Bean body sets (all sizes) is actually 1983, not 1984. However, you are right in pointing out that it would look more appropriate for something with a base model year of around 1989 or 1990 at the earliest - which is when the NA MX-5/Miata/Eunos Roadster launched in real life.
1 Like
Alfa Spider was pretty bean-esque, but that’s the only one that comes to mind immediately from 80ish times.
And the Spider was a 60s design so I would go for some older body if I was going to make something similar. Maybe the 240Z-esque one.
4 Likes
Soooo bins = Blob, Cloudy and a Chance of Meatballs Car and War Thunder moment. Makes sense
3 Likes
Hi, some of you might be wondering why the reviews are taking a while to come out. To put it simply, I am busy with uni stuff. And also, my laptop is dead and that has been the case for the past few days.
I am still trying to get it fixed, but regardless of it getting fixed or not I’ve basically lost all data related to Automation. Fortunately I have a backup of this challenge’s data but it is incomplete. Besides, it doesn’t feel right to just judge cars without seeing them in-game.
Therefore, the next round of results will be postponed indefinitely until my laptop either runs again or gets replaced. I apologize for the delay and for not informing you all sooner, and I ask for your patience while I sort things out.
Thank you for your patience and understanding (or forgetting that the challenge exists in the first place), and I will update y’all as soon as any development happens.
In the meantime, enjoy some jazz fusion
Cheers,
11 Likes
Baaah, such an unneccessary goof ruining it all, and the car was actually competetive, that hurts twice.
Funny storytelling, but how the f…ck am I supposed to include THAT in my brand’s lore? 
Reviews Round 2
BACK FROM THE DEAD BABY WOOOOOOOOOO
Arby’s, somwhere in Florida
“Eugene, why are we eating at Arby’s of all places?” Kenneth asked.
“You know, Arby’s gets a bad rep.” Eugene said while eating the chain’s signature roast beef sandwich, “But it’s not actually bad once you try it.”
Eugene’s statement is interrupted by a hiccup, as if something had happened inside him. Opening his mouth, a mysterious creature that looked like an intestine emerged from within Eugene’s throat.
“Arby’s.” said the creature.
Eugene began convulsing, falling from his seat and rolling on the floor.
“Me [redacted] heart stopped!” Eugene cried.
Kenneth and his colleague looked at Eugene, knowing that he had it coming. After fighting for his life for about two minutes, Eugene fell unconscious, presumably in a life-threatening condition.
“Well, that’s what you get for eating at Arby’s.” Kenneth’s yet-to-be-named colleague said, “Anyway Kenneth, let’s sort through more car magazines to see what you may want to get. Might wanna get out of here, too.”
“Alright.”
Miller Imola GT/E
They first car the two looked at was the Imola. The car looked quite stubby and wasn’t much of a sports car compared to other cars in the market. However, reviewers praised the car for being very comfortable, which is always a plus.
SVP Hellblazer GT Night Shadow
Next up was the Hellblazer. From a distance it looked like a cool and competent sports coupe. While the car really was competent, Kenneth was not swayed by the cer’s rather plain and uninspiring looks. Kenneth though hard about the Hellblazer and decided that he should look at the other cars for the time being.
Courageux Virage - Turbo
The next car the two looked at was the Virage. The Virage was a stunner, looking like a rocket ship that can take them to Mars. Though the car was a little old compared to the other cars, it still had a lot to offer in terms of performance and handling. It may not be the most powerful but the car made up for it by being lightweight.
Brindley West Coast Turbo Coupe
The next car was the Brindley. The two wondered what it was doing in a magazine featuring sports cars. It was the cheapest of the bunch, sure. But if anything, it is one of the coupes of all time. Nothing worth noting except for how un-sporty and boring it is.
Tauscher 260T Turbo
The next car was the Tauscher. The car was absolutely gorgeous and timeless from every angle. It was monsterous, producing a gargantuan 425hp. Even so, the car was both fun to drive while being decently comfortable. Despite all this, there was one serious flaw: the front suspension geometry, which gave the front wheels positive camber. Good for stability, but not for sports cars like the Tauscher.
Monarch - Chaleere Turbo AWD
The next car was the Monarch. It was a striking design and certainly one of the most creative uses of the Starion body. While the car’s power output is second only to the Tauscher, it offers average stats while being the 2nd most unreliable car of the bunch.
Markley Palomino SST
Next up was the Palomino. The Palomino is one of the cheapest cars this round, mainly due to its use of a solid axle in the rear, and a good old OHV V8. Because of the solid rear axle, however, the Palomino suffers from poor comfort and sportiness. If this round were about budget sports cars, the Palomino might take the crown. But not here, unfortunately.
Authié et Dallier 6/26 Coupé
Next up was the Dallier. It is the third most comfortable car (only 0.3 points below 2nd place) and has average stats across the board, with the exception of having the worst corrosion resistance due to the use of a bare steel chassis.
Turból F4 4xA
Next was the Turbol. Given its relatively low pricepoint, the Turbol smashes the crowd in terms of drivability and sportiness, offering lots of technology and performance for the price while also being the most reliable car despite being a 5-year old design. Despite this, the car looks quite dated and a tad too aggressive for Kenneth’s tastes. It is also not as comfortable as other cars but then again, this looks like a hardcore sports car.
Wolfe E320 GT
Next up was the Wolfe. Kenneth liked its teutonic style. It has good drivability, sportiness, and comfort along with the highest safety rating among the other cars. Despite its looks, however, the Wolfe only has two seats even though there is enough space in the cabin for two rear seats.
Macht Teuton 455 SLi Kompakt Sportpaket
Next up was the Teuton. Although it is among the safest cars, it is also the least comfortable to ride. Its design is not the best either, featuring a round body with straight lines and sharp angles. The various design elements on this car do not flow together very well, especially that trapezoid looking thing on the door. The roofline is also a tad tall. While this is an issue with the body itself, there are plenty of alternatives that would suit this design better.
FMC Colibri Fastback SC
Next up was the FMC. The FMC’s body was too rounded which makes it look like a late 80s car instead of an 1984 car. The design is flat, with little to excite the senses. Stats and performance are about average as well.
Mayland Imperator 3.8GT
Next up was the Imperator. Despite its relatively high price tag, it does not offer much more than its cheaper competitors. The car looks solid from the back, but its front fascia looks like it came from a cheap eonobox. This also contributes to the front 3/4 looking rather empty.
SAETA Montaraz
Next up was the SAETA. Though its engine is the least powerful of the bunch, the SAETA is also the lightest car, wighing in qt 842kg. For a car like this, it offers good drivability and comfort as well as sportiness. The car is also full of attention to detail. However, the SAETA suffers from low safety ratings due to the use of 70s safety tech.
BMA '84 Mistral 540
Next up was the Mistral. Its design is too far ahead of its time, much like other entries using this body. While drvability is higer than average, sportiness is low while comfort is average. Hydraulic ball steering is also not good for a relatively sporty car like this.
Wells Sidewinder Turbo
Next up was the Sidewinder. Kenneth liked the front design and the red and black stripe running through the car. However, he was not a fan of the rear which did not suit the rest of the car’s design. To make things worse, it has low drivability and sportiness. Itmay be one of the cheapest cars, sure. But Kenneth was still not convinced by this value proposition.
Benetsch Blitz Turbo 31
Next up was the Blitz. Like the Hellblazer, it is almost all-black but Kenneth thinks that the Blitz pulled the design off much better. Compared to the other cars, it is the most comfortable while being decently sporty and surprisingly fuel efficient as well. All this for a lower-than-average price.
Swanson 955P
Next up was the Swanson. Despite being mid-engined, the Swanson has very good drivability. However, this is achieved by 245mm tyres in the rear and 185mm tyres up front. Its engine is also a comically large 5.5l six-cylinder engine. The design is not the best either, looking like a confused bar of soap that is full of triangles and sharp edges.
Resuki Rift GTS
Next up was the Resuki. Unlike other entries that used this particular body, this still manages to look quite period-accurate. Despite this, the car still looks quite odd with its very wide front offset and narrow rear offset, and that molding on the door. The sportiness stat is also not as high as other midships, which puts this car at a disadvantage.
After looking through the magazines, Kenneth shortlisted some cars that he’d take a look at. The next day, he visited dealerships, drove the cars, and came up with a final verdict:
Results
Congratulations to @donutsnail for winning this round of JOC! With its good combination of strengths, this car woos both the head and the heart. Truly, the perfect car for Kenneth’s current crisis!
JOC2D zip.zip (80.3 KB)
More rankings will be released as necessary
I apologize for the delay, and hopefully this can make up for it.
Epilogue
And with that, Kenneth embarked on his journey to escape from his doubts and feelings. Eventually, after several years, Kenneth figured out who he really was and what he wanted from his ever-shortening life. After flying his last space mission in 1994, Kenneth ended his service at NASA and moved to California where he opened a flight school. Being a healthy man, Kenneth taught at the school through his old age, driven by his passion for flying in the skies.
In 2015, Kenneth died peacefully of natural causes in his home. He lived his life to his fullest, reaching and actually getting to the stars he had dreamed of when he was young. He will be sorely missed by those close to him.
14 Likes
Not an unexpected win for him (his third of a possible four in this JOC), although the SAETA nearly pulled off an upset against the F4, which had the name of a fighter jet (and the looks and performance to match).
And thank you for delivering a satisfactory (and satisfying) conclusion to this JOC! I have never seen better writing from you, and that’s some sweet icing on a tasty cake.
But what about Kenneth’s children, if he has any? They could be the subject of another JOC - not necessarily the next one, though. At least Kenneth himself got the car he deserved, and eventually managed to live out the last two decades of his life in peace and happiness.
Oh my God, you killed Kenneth!
(You Bastard!)
Honestly though he had like 3-4 more good JOC’s in him, so really not sure why you felt like that was a good idea.