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Backstory, Part 1
September 15, 1977, mid-morning. Internationale Automobil-Ausstellung [exhibition] No.47, Frankfurt am Main, Bundesrepublik Deutschland.
“Frau Schulz, hello! Come in! Welcome, all!”
Now in the relative quiet of the corner office, away from the massive crowds outside, Magda turned to her family and made the introduction, “This is Roland Warsteiner, director of the IAA exhibition. I’m honored that he invited us here personally.” Turning to him, she continued, “Herr Warsteiner, these are my family: my husband Stefan, my children Anke and Bruno.”
A round of pleasantries, then Roland suddenly began shuffling some papers on his desk.
"First, before I forget, let me give you your Special Press pass. It’ll give you much more official and unofficial access to the exhibits, certainly being able to sit in them, probably to arrange a short-notice testdrive if available.
"This is a special year for the industry and the exhibition. The crisis and gloom of recent whiles have turned into comeback and glory. By economic measures, our sector has finally recovered - German automakers are on track to make a record four million vehicles this year. By spiritual measures, the recovery has been no lesser - dynamic performance has at last returned to the automotive Zeitgeist, this time with more efficiency and more sophistication. The culture is rejuvenated, reinvigorated, reborn… and this 47th fair is coming to be a symbol of it all. Neither surprise nor coincidence is it that there’s a record number of attendees; we estimate half a million over the course of this week.
“Which, unfortunately, is causing some logistical headaches I have to sort out urgently. So regrettably, I will be unable to give you much of a tour, at least not today. There’s a lot to see of all manner of mobility technology. From what you described to me of what you’re looking for personally, it’s spread out over a few halls, but primarily 1D and 5A. Also in 4A, but that hall is temporarily closed for emergency repairs.”
“Oh, what happened?”
“Someone tried to display a Formula 1 car in the GT section. While that would not be allowed in the first place, they also attempted to drive it on its own power. An F1 car. Indoors. And the best part: by someone not actually trained to drive the damn thing. They nearly made it through a large window, destroying the car and the window in the process. Nobody was hurt, at least physically, but repairing the window will take a day or two.”
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1. Instabin №1: F1 car by @DrDoomD1scord
Reason: because racecar.
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Backstory, Part 2
“Any other problems?”
“Yes. There were three cars, one a mystery and two from the Eastern Bloc - the former almost qualified, one of the latter almost didn’t, and the other confiscated by the local police on order of the TÜV, but eventually released. The first case was the victim of a bizarre set of circumstances I daren’t begin to explain, so we’ve instructed our staff to be sympathetic and patient with that exhibit while it gets dismantled. The latter two… well, you’ll see. They happen to be just to the right out of my office, fourth and fifth exhibits down. Now, if you’ll please excuse me, I have some fires to put out, thankfully not yet literal ones.”
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2. Instabin №2, with honorable mention / consolation prize: OXXRON Midget by @quiz
Reason: technically entered, but for the wrong installment of the challenge. Out of sympathy, we won’t set on fire any of its three versions, including the Firebreather.
“Does what it says on the box.”
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Backstory, Part 3
With another round of pleasantries, Magda and family stepped out of the office into the main aisle of Hall 4. Roland wasn’t kidding; the Frankfurter Messe venue, massive and sprawling as it is, had a temporary population density rivaling downtown Tokyo.
Anke spoke first, “I’m curious to see these problem cars. Can we?”
“A bit of Schadenfreude, Anke? Well, we’re just browsing for now, so why not?”
Four exhibits to the right, the sight they came across was certainly more Schade than Freude…
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3. Mara Hussar 4.0 SKE by @AndiD
“Are some of the staff using this exhibit space for parking? Or why else is … wait, this is a real exhibit? To be blunt, this simply doesn’t belong here. Yes, we’re browsing, but I’m not here to waste my time.”
The square, stoic face of the Mara Hussar 4.0 SKE blankly stared back at them, as figuratively grey as it was literally a dull off-yellow, tacitly declaring as much agreement as indifference.
There’s bringing a knife to a gunfight, and then there’s this… a broken bottle. A plastic bottle. An emptied fifth of the bottommost-shelf vodka in all of Archana. Magda isn’t going to waste her time with what’s essentially an overgrown Moskvich with a drinking problem (GAZ 21? At least in style, the Volga utterly dwarfs this). Scoring absolutely dead last in 8 out of 12 categories, including an epic Zero Point Zero sportiness, it is nevertheless not without its merits. That is, apart from providing context for cars costing nearly quadruple that still manage to lose to the Hussar in one - or worse, several - of the remaining four criteria. And apart from lowering property values and therefore taxes wherever it’s parked. In its own right, though, while the styling leaves much to be desired, its basic shape and proportions are actually ok, and it does have the lowest service costs (not by much) and above-average reliability (slightly) for the segment. The problem is that it’s completely the wrong segment. Buying this for her next car would leave Magda 12200DM further from her goal. Does technically follow the rules, and therefore not binned or torched, but… no. Nein. N’et. Next.
Design concept: for this context, F
Design execution: C-
Engineering concept: F
Engineering execution: C+. Hit and miss. Some clever optimizations, some sloppy unfinished finetuning. Good enough to be functional but leaves a lot on the table even accounting for its budget, let alone a higher one. A manual transmission and some no-cost brake, suspension, and engine revisions would make it a decent car in its own right, though even Mara can’t work the kind of miracle that’d make a $12200 car competitive in a $42000 segment.
A shining example of: The wrong tool for the job.
Verdict: Declined. Ranked 19th/19.
4. Walf Elite V8 307 by @karhgath
“Next” was quite close, though the four still took a while to shove through the crowd to get closer to what eventually came into view: exhibit staff hastily peeling the remains of impound sticker residue off a Walf Elite V8 307.
“What’s that smell?”
Magda eyed the Walf for a moment, first from one angle, then another. She answered Stefan’s silent expression of curiosity, “Whenever I change my focus from the whole to the details, there’s a bit of perceptional dissonance, as if I’m not sure I’m looking at the same thing.”
Stefan, the architect, ventured an explanation, “The styling of the front and the back is very cohesive and well-executed, and fits the lower body. Their rather upright theme also works with the greenhouse. But despite sharing a theme and a mutual friend, so to speak, the greenhouse and the lower body are mutual strangers; neighbors, at best. Details, especially the rear fascia, are well-crafted, but the whole is oddly proportioned; the greenhouse is very short, so rear passenger room is dubious. And seriously, what’s that smell?”
Monty Python- Cheese Shop - YouTube
“Let’s see how well this Special Press pass works…” Magda held it up and approached the exhibit staff. Before she got a word out, two attendants jumped to and opened the rope fence for her with polite greetings. “Why, thank you. I wonder if you can tell me what happened with it? Something about the TÜV, these stickers, and that smell…?”
The two looked at each other nervously, then one turned around to get the attention of a third who was cleaning the last of some residue off the windshield. Three handed the cleaning supplies to Two, opened the car, and extracted a manila folder with some documents, handing it to Magda with a brief summary, "The TÜV took issue with some of our engineering choices. The first two inspectors both felt that a car of this weight and type needed power steering. They also didn’t like the rear brake setup. Our engineers argued that it was all perfectly legal and usable, but it took summoning the local TÜV supervisor before the argument prevailed.
“I see,” Magda replied, scanning first the impound form, then the car’s spec sheet. “Odd, but aside from that, most of this actually looks quite competitive.” One of the first two attendants had been standing by the rear door, and gestured to Magda an invitation to sit inside. Stefan’s guess was correct - access was a bit better than their Waldersee, but not by much, and actual legroom no better despite an extra 19cm of wheelbase.
“The styling is neither a dealbreaker nor -maker, the back seat is a bit of a problem, but the car shows promise. It’s the first serious one we’ve seen, so there isn’t much context to compare it to. I’m going to keep it in mind and maybe come back to it.”
Design concept: C-. In a 7-series segment, it’s a 5-series wheelbase morphed into 3-series cabin room. Looks, aerodynamics (IRL, not in game), and passenger comfort suffer for it.
Design execution: B+. The front and especially the back are well done.
Engineering concept: C is for Cheese. Cave-aged Venezuelan beaver cheese. The manual rack is a big boost to stats, and by 1978 would be at best questionable on a car of this type and price point. That said, even with a hydro rack, the stats are very competitive, held back but not ruined by the looks. 17" rims with 50 profile rubber is also eyebrow-raising, though legal. And why are the rear brakes solid rotors but multi-piston calipers?
Engineering execution and verdict: To be continued…
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Part 4
“Let’s see, where to next… Bruno? What’s wrong?”
“Oh, don’t mind me. I’m just having a hard time with how crowded this place is.”
“Maybe seeing something interesting would take your mind off of that. Magda, dear, you’ve got the exhibit map; where are we, where do we want to go, and which way?”
“We’re in 5D. The nearest of the halls the director mentioned is 5A: the foreign sedan section. The shortest path also leads through the off-roaders section.”
The IAA was nominally an automobile exhibition, but in practice displayed a wide range of mobility technology. And even within the car domain, there was quite a variety. As Magda and family made their way through the crowds, they came across an exhibit for the new Range Rover, where Barbara Siehl and Fritz Busch, both professional acquaintances of Magda, were just finishing up a video report. They spotted Magda and waved her over. Though they were in a bit of a rush and couldn’t talk for long, Magda told them about the Walf, and their response was unanimous: “Though not without its flaws, it drives much better than it looks.”
As they departed from the Range Rover display, Anke asked, “Didn’t Opa have a Land Rover at one point?”
Stefan answered, “Indeed he did. He was never too excited about road cars, but had a penchant for off-road driving. That ancient, clapped-out Series 1 died ages ago, and he’d be amused to see something with that kind of capability but more comfortable. However…” They came upon an exhibit for a 6-wheeled all-terrain… thing, apparently amphibious too.
IAA 1977 - Saab Turbo | Rover 3.5 | Range Rover | Mazda RX-5 | De Tomaso Pantera (1/3) - YouTube
(skip to the 11:30 mark to see the Attex 500)
“…not half as tickled as he would be to see this. He had a small fleet of Kettenkrads left over from the war, of which maybe one ran at any given point. In fact, I think there’s still two and a half of them in his backyard. You know, I think he’d like to see this. I’m going to go find a payphone and likely go get him. Will you wait for me here?”
Bruno interjected, “Can I go too? The crowds are really getting to me. And I haven’t seen Oma in a while.”
Anke added, “I’d like to see her too!”
Magda spoke, “Alright, I don’t mind wandering by myself for a bit, though I’d like your input, Stefan, on anything I seriously consider. Let’s see… say we meet at the southeast entrance at noon?”
Before continuing to hall 5A, Magda doubled back to arrange a testdrive of the Walf. The staff were eager to oblige, but said that the floor model would not be available until the exhibition ended, and while they had additional models, they were still coming out of impound and would become available later this afternoon at the earliest. She agreed to check back this afternoon, then continued to 5A.
The crowds, if anything, had gotten even denser since they arrived, and she had yet to cross a hall without running into at least one colleague or other professional acquaintance, most of whom wanted to chat. Poor Bruno; this was an introvert’s nightmare.
Standing with a dozen others waiting for an elevator, she casually scanned the group, then did a double-take at the same time as the target of hers did the same.
“Magda Schulz?”
“Dr. Ursula Pa… uh…”
“Panzerstrudelüberprüfungsmeßermeier von Neunschwanzstein, but I prefer to dispense with the formalities; just ‘Ursula’, if you will. I’d’ve been surprised not to run into you here eventually. How goes?”
“Well, then just ‘Magda’. I’m doing quite well, here for the usual professional reasons, but also for personal ones - I’m on a quest to find a worthy successor for our 68 Waldersee Lancier. And yourself?”
Ursula nodded. “That was formidable competition for us back in its day. 80-90% of our Fenrir model at less than half the price, and more reliable too. I’m here for professional reasons, mostly. Norðwagen pulled out of the market several years ago, but now that the industry has recovered, we’re staging a return, tentatively next year. I’m here to size up the competition, especially in the Luxury and GT segments.”
“Hah, those are exactly what I’m looking at! Would you like to join me? I mostly know what the spec sheets mean, but the perspective of a professional engineer would be welcome.”
“Of course.”
“We exited this market at about the same time as we tried the American market, massive and wealthy as it is… materially, that is. Its laws and culture have been, to put it politely, learning opportunities. As far as laws, they not only have quite onerous emissions regulations, but in recent years they’ve pulled such absurd stunts as seatbelt-ignition interlocks, threatened to ban convertibles, and some politicians even started talking about banning high-performance vehicles outright. And as far as culture, well… here’s a self-explanatory example that just about says it all…”
At the sight of this, both of their heads sank into facepalms, which deepened upon hearing the exhibit presenter, dressed in a suit matching the car’s livery, proclaiming through a mouth the size of the car’s grill and at a volume that would fail a TÜV inspection something in rapid English. Doing their best to ignore him, the facepalms resumed upon reading the name:
“Seriously, this is what they bring? Oh, wait, there’s a normal-looking one over there, and farther from the Großmaul as well.”
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5. Bellomont Amalfi Signature d’Elegance german spec not really by @LS_Swapped_Rx-7
“Stylistically, it’s not to my taste, but I have to give due credit: this is a sharp-looking car, and very modern without being futuristic. Let’s see if my Pass will get you in as well…”
“I’ve got one too.” Ursula pulled out her laminated card.
A thankfully much more restrained attendant welcomed them inside the display and said, in English but slowly and clearly, “Feel free to look inside, under the hood as well if you like. Here are the spec sheets.”
“The build quality, at least from apperances, is surprisingly good. Very small panel gaps, all the lines are straight.” Magda opened and closed one of the doors. “And the doors feel like a bank vault! Then again, it could be a ‘ringer’ made just for the show. Very well-executed design, anyway, and solidly built. Let’s see inside…”
“Ah yes, Whorehouse Red, as is becoming fashionable these days. Not a bad place to sit… my, my, look at this stitching. These are some properly high-quality materials and crafting. At least someone in America still remembers how to make nice things. But why are the armrests backwards? I suppose to prove that this isn’t a special made for the show? Other than that detail, I’m impressed. Not sold, but impressed.”
“I, however, am not,” Ursula countered as she finished reading the spec sheet. "It’s all show and no go. For starters, despite over a liter more displacement and a much more modern fuel system than your decade-old Lancier, it somehow manages to make less power, which it routs through an ancient and inefficient 3-speed non-overdrive slushbox. The power problem appears to be largely due to the camshaft profile, though both the intake and especially the exhaust are low-flow types and quite restricted on top of that. I understand they have domestic-market emissions requirements, but for a car this expensive sold in Germany, I don’t understand why they didn’t retune it.
With the cams and the EFI, one would expect it to therefore be quite thermally efficient, but it manages a merely-ok 19.7%, and with the deadful transmission and over 1700kg of weight, consumption is rather bad - 14.1mpg (US).
The engine has some very high-quality components but is an ancient design - all-iron and with pushrods. I’ve seen such engine architecture tuned well, and this is not an example.
On the plus side, the engine it appears to be very reliable, indexed at 76.0. Quiet, too; with all the restrictions and quality, effective loudness is a whisper-like 19.6, very impressive. Not especially smooth, though.
Moving on to the rest of the mechanicals… no Go, and no Stop or Turn, either. The brakes… I have no idea how this managed to pass TÜV. The fronts are fine but the rears are not only drums, but also undersized. The components appear to be very high-quality but woefully inadequate for this car, even with its mediocre performance, even in the land of 55mph. On the Autobahn, forget it; 43 whole meters to stop from 100!
Nor does it turn well. The suspension tune is on the soft side, with significantly unbalanced spring rates, excessive roll angle, and mediocre grip…"
“I think I’ve seen enough. This may be good enough for cruising down Sunset Boulevard, but it doesn’t belong on the Autobahn. Nor, despite excellent build quality, in my driveway. Let’s go.”
18th/19: Bellomont Amalfi Signature d’Elegance german spec not really by @LS_Swapped_Rx-7
Design concept: A
Design execution: A
Engineering concept: C-
Engineering execution: D+. By small margins, the most reliable and quietest car here, with the laziest throttle response. Also in second place for: slowest, least sporty, longest stopping distance, worst brake fade, least performance relative to consumption, lowest drivability (not by much), safest (nominally), least environmentally resistant, lowest performance relative to service costs, and tied for second-worst roll angle.
A shining example of: a good static display. An actual typical American car from 1978, except a lot better-built. Something that may be good enough for America, but we don’t all live in America.
Verdict: Declined. Ranked 18th/19.
6. ACR Seawolf 500S by @shibusu
“I think I’ve time for one more before I have to meet Stefan and his father at the southeast gate. Let’s see, what’s the nearest interesting thing…?”
“How about another American?”
“It had better be half-decent, or I’ll be put off from American cars forever.”
“Ok, how about… Dutch, apparently? Sure looks interesting. The ACR Seawolf 500S.”
"Very tall greenhouse; looks like the Popemobile. The lowered eyelids are quite distinctive. Definitely gives it a personality, a rather polite one, that combined with the restrained but elegant front and the… " Magda glanced at the spec sheet and raised an eyebrow. “… three hundred twenty horsepower out of a V12… amounts to pretty good Überholprestige and the substance to back that up. Now, the Walf has even more, but I’m pretty skeptical of that rear seat, so I’m classing it more with the coupes than the bigger sedans. And that makes the ACR the first proper Autobahn sedan I’ve seen.”
“I suppose people would move out of the way for the Popemobile?” Ursula joked. “But that kind of power sure doesn’t hurt its case, eh?”
“What’s going on with the rear wheels?”
A massively tall and charmingly friendly representative spoke, “Hello, ladies! Pardon me, I couldn’t help but overhear you wondering about the wheel covers. Would you like a tour?”
“Sure!”
“I am Joost Jonkers, liaison from ACR’s luxury division. This car represents several major strides in ACR’s product line development. First, an image shift away from solid but unprestigious sedans like that one over there.” He pointed to another ACR display.
“Stylistically, we’ve taken cues from luxury ocean liners, and functionally, from our aeronautical business. With aeronautical engineering comes the problem of aerodynamic drag; we strove to apply the same principles to the Seawolf as we apply to aircraft. This resulted in a coefficient of drag of a mere 0.35, which includes the cooling for the large V12 engine. The wheel covers you asked about are an essential part of this approach. So, despite its size, it has less drag than an NSU Ro 80, and a lot more power than one. It’ll do over 280kph if you keep your foot down.”
“Sounds indeed like a proper Bahnstormer. What else?”
“Unlike many luxury cars, we have not let the focus on creature comforts take away from practicality. That’s why…” Joost inserted and turned a key in the back, and continued, “… it is a liftback, not a sedan. It’s not only more space, but it’s easier to access including from inside the car.”
“Ah, good for road trips. And general daily use,” Magda mused approvingly.
Joost went to the driver’s door, opened it, and gestured at the steering wheel. "This is the latest in safety technology - an airbag that inflates in case of a severe collision. While the dashboard is padded, this provides an extra cushion of safety, pun intended. We believe this is a good few years ahead of the competition, along with all other safety features, like highly strengthened door beams and a passenger cell similar in strength to the cockpits of our attack aircraft.”
“As for the engine… ma’am, I see you’ve been studying the spec sheet quite intensively. Do you have any questions?”
“I was hoping to see a BSFC chart as well as a gear ratio spread, but there’s only the latter.”
“I, uh… BSFC? Are you an engineer, by chance?”
“You might say that… I’m the Chief Technology Officer at Norðwagen.”
“Oh, goodness… in that case, please excuse me; my engine presentation would be rather below your grade. And I see both of your Passes. Please, feel free to look the vehicle over inside and out for as long as you like. I’ll be here if you have any questions.”
“Thank you, Joost.”
Magda’s stomach spoke before she did. “Honestly, I’ve seen enough, this time in a good way. I’m hungry and it’s approaching noon anyway. Ursula, would you like to join us for lunch?”
“Certainly!”
Magda then walked over to Joost. “When might I arrange a testdrive?”
“For you, Ms. Schulz, immediately if you like; we have four demonstration vehicles parked outside. I couldn’t help overhear your stomach. Depending on where you had plans for lunch, would you like to take one of the cars there and back?”
“Indeed I would. But first, I’ve to meet my party at the southeast entrance, rather soon.”
“Here you are, then - the keys, and a small map showing where they’re parked. Enjoy!”
Design and engineering: TBD