Luna_on_venus' Cars and Other Automation-related thingys

[luna_on_venus]

1987 Tamna Taiga – “An Honest Day’s Work.”

You can clip it around the corners of stone walls, you can crash it into a tree and then through a small shed, you can try and drown it in the English Channel, you can set it on fire, hit it with a wrecking ball, you can drop a caravan on top of it and then you try drop it off a skyscraper. Like the AK-47, the Taiga will stand up to practically anything the world over can throw at it, from the deserts of Libya to the jungles of Indonesia to its namesake taigas deep in the wilderness of Siberia, the Taiga is the tool for any job, anywhere, anytime.

Powered by a 2.4L diesel 4 cylinder engine producing 94HP that can have its block directly shot with a .308 round and can be repaired with little more than a screwdriver and an empty aluminium beer can. It’ll happily do 750,000km on its first engine and then 3 million on its second. The gear stick may be in the optional third passenger’s crotch, but the 5 speed manual transmission will surely give you trouble-free motoring for years to come.

The interior is sparse, and that’s by design. Everything from the radio to the air conditioner to the rev counter to the dashboard clock is optional, because Tamna’s philosophy dictates that those who simply want a motorised wheelbarrow to get a job done should be able to get one of the finest build quality at a competitive price, and with a Taiga, you don’t just get a good deal, you get a bargain. Comes in 2WD and 4WD configurations.

1988 Tamna Taiga Sunset Edition – “Work on Friday, Play on Saturday.”

So you’re still wild at heart, we get that. You yearn for to watch the sunset atop a mountain overlooking vast, lush forests as you haul around the lumber and concrete to build civilisation. For that, there’s just what you’re looking for. The Taiga Sunset is, underneath, a regular 2.4L diesel model with the same power output and gearbox, but you get fulltime 4WD and all-terrain tires as standard.

Inside, it’s fully equipped for whatever adventures you may get up to, bringing you to the most harsh areas in the world in air-conditioned comfort. Along with the tricked-out inside comes an outside makeover; new wheels, a rollbar with extra lights, bumper foglights and a bullbar with two extra auxillary lights just for good measure, running boards on both sides and mudflaps all around. The stripes along the side can be coloured using a selection of combinations from the brochure meant to evoke the feeling of being free, of being outdoors, of running wild, or if you really are that wild, you can option your own custom combination unique to your Taiga.

1990 Tamna Taiga RV – "Home Away From Home."

The Taiga, having the repair difficulty of a garden hose (the difference being that a garden hose has more moving parts), makes a suitable candidate for building a home away from home on. Gone is the bulletproof 2.4L diesel engine to be replaced with a slightly less bulletproof 3.0L V6 turbodiesel engine producing just a hair over 350HP with enough torque to be able to haul what is essentially a house perched where the bed used to be.

Outside the Taiga only retains the basic front subframe and cabin from the Sunset Edition its based on, at the back the rear axle has been pushed back to make way for the entire home with all its electrical wiring, fuel, air conditioning and sewage piping bolted on top. Along with it comes some more cosmetic indulgences tailored to the tastes of Yours Truly, with beefier tires for reaching more remote camping spots, a snorkel for driving through rivers, larger mirrors for actually seeing around the massive RV shell, a retractable canopy, a towbar for hauling around the boat I don’t use, and of course colourful sunset striping all the way around.

The interior is nothing like that of a regular early-90s Class C motorhome, filled with all its garish floral patterning and oceans of beige sheets with funny stains. In here, its all thoroughly modern and comfortable, with dark hardwood furnishings, white marble countertops, a TV tucked away where you can watch from the bed, a fully functional toilet and a visual representation of the number of coffees I drank during the course of this project.

Clean, simple, comfortable and able to carry half of a second house with the amount of storage cubbies stuffed inside, everything a 90’s RV should be, updated for the 2020’s.

(The RV alone took some 11.5 hours to build, and while my original plan was to just finish the shell and then go to bed, I ended up building the entire thing in a single sitting ending at about 4 o’clock in the morning with a sense of some achievement and a splitting headache.)

[luna_on_venus]

1984 Solair Corgi GX – “Rock and Roll.”

Built in a shed in Nottinghamshire just off the A52 by a few men with funny accents, the Corgi GX is the answer for teenagers with no driver’s license but still want the luxury of a Rolls Royce with the sportiness and leakiness of an MG. According to the bean counters, its a motorcycle with a fibreglass body on top to keep the British sun from getting you wet. According to you, it’s a rolling personality statement. In life, only three things matter to you: the pub, the chippy, and your trusty 3-wheeled steed.

Equipped with an 900cc 4 cylinder engine producing 55HP paired to a 4 speed manual that has synchromesh, pushing the Corgi from 0 to its top speed of 90 miles an hour in about 27 seconds, although you probably don’t want to do that as doing 90 on the M1 would likely get you either nicked or more likely killed.

Aside from the obvious single front wheel, you also get a single mirror, plastic-fantastic dashboard designed way back in the 1960’s, Lucas-made electrics and a banging stereo that likely doesn’t work because of the aforementioned Lucas-made electrics. Starting at £3,990, it really doesn’t get better than this.

1986 Solair Corgi Kennel Motorhome – “Peckham to Peking.”

If you want to clog up a motorway for the next 10,000 years, there’s a dilemma in your way. Do you ruin everyone else’s holiday by trundling around in your diesel Vauxhall towing a fibreglass menace, or how about you streamline that dreadful duo with the Corgi Kennel? You can still block everybody’s view of the Lake District now at half the speed of the Vauxhall now that you have a comedically large fibreglass shed attached to your Corgi.

Under the hood, everything’s pretty much the same with the 900cc four-banger to make sure you stay within the motorcycle tax bracket, but now its significantly heavier and even more unstable because of the tall RV attachment. Who wouldn’t want to go on a caravan holiday where you’re in constant fear that one wrong turn could destroy all of your possessions?

And for an extra £1,650 you can get an extra wheel and 1.1L 67HP engine that turns the Corgi into an excruciatingly dull hatchback that outdos the blandness of an Austin Metro, but why on earth would you ever want a cheap, economical and most importantly, stable car that is taxed as a car and needs a car license to drive?

[luna_on_venus]

1995 Nakano Invicta NX4 – “What is RWD?”

Have you ever wondered what its like to drive a car that feels like an abusive relationship? No? Well here’s one anyway. The Nakano Invicta is the latest in a long line of bikini-clad mud wrestlers disguised as affordably athletic sedans and coupes. The NX4 is directly related to its Group A-going cousin, the very same that was trading blows with the Korean-built Tamna Chollima RS4 in what basically amounted to mud wrestling with a car, and in that vein is equipped with a peppy turbocharged 2.4L flat-4 engine that according to the spec sheet produces about 285HP, but behind the wheel it feels closer to 360HP. Paired to a crispy 5 speed manual transmission, you’ll be flying into trees and ditches on the side of a road faster than most rally drivers do, and you don’t even have a co-driver; you just have the grit, the will, and the sheer disregard for your own life apparent in all the best motorsports drivers.

Outside, you get a full treatment for your rally-wannabe aspirations; sleek Sapphire Blue paintwork, obnoxiously large rally foglamps, obnoxious-er larger rear wing, twin exhausts, a “subtle” hood scoop and sporty alloy wheels. Inside you get tartan cloth seats, three auxillary gauges, a banging stereo with subwoofer and the overwhelming sense of superiority that comes with owning one of these simply incredible cars. You don’t deserve it, and you couldn’t care less.

Prior to the Al-Rilma openbeta, the car that became the Nakano Invicta was originally named the Tsumaranai (Google Translated Japanese for “boring”) Fujoshi Turbo. That’s not me having a laugh, that is genuinely what I decided, probably very late at night whilst being not nearly sober enough to be trusted with naming anything, was a good name for a car, which for the record: it isn’t.

As such, the Invicta NX4 is designed to be what I would’ve made had I had more skill and less alcohol to drink that night. Although apparently I may not be so sober now as I’ve just noticed the car in the extremely compressed gif above is wearing a H-reg plate (1990) instead of the L-reg plate (1995). Oh well.

[luna_on_venus]

hi yes me again

1988 Tamna Elysia LHX – “Adequately Reasonable.”

A car for the reasonable driver who wants something adequately comfortable, adequately fuel-efficient, adequately average. The Elysia, despite its name that harkens to the paradise in Greek mythology, is not a blissful car to drive – it does understeer a little in the sharp corners – but its performance does match its looks, perfectly ordinary. Equipped with a range of 1.5, 1.6, 1.8L SOHC 4 cylinder engines producing at most 136HP, although if you’re a hooligan at heart, there is a 2.0L DOHC 4 cylinder offering putting out a fire-breathing 154HP!!!

The interior is also just fine, it’s not a limosuine but it’s not cheap and tattered with climate control, an AM/FM radio and a digital clock in the instrument cluster as standard. Outside, you can temper the dullness with a range of relatively bright, but a bit muted fun colours. The Elysia is not the most interesting car in the world, it’s not the fastest, and it’s not even the cheapest, but for what it’s worth, it’s the loyal, reliable and above all, reasonable car you need.

[luna_on_venus]

1989 Tamna Elysia 1.8 LE (North American market version)

Having arrived in America in 1989, this Elysia has had a hard life, being involved in a front end wreck at some point at the hands of its 17-year-old pothead pizza delivery driver owner. To save it from being turned into a cube, it’s become a cut-and-shut frankenstein with the front end of a beige Elysia from the junkyard welded to it, held together with amateur welds, epoxy and industrial strength superglue. A sideswipe hit-and-run a few months later has been repaired with a few cans of white spray paint from the hardware store, paint match be damned.

The driver’s side headlight glass has been smashed, bits of the trim are missing, the rear-right door has been taped shut since it won’t close properly anymore, and the car is caked in rust and dirt in all spots. It’s also been stolen a few times, and the last thief broke the driver’s side door lock, and the very torn up seats smell like cheap weed and greasy calzones

Pimped 1989 Tamna Elysia 1.8 LE

Now this is a ride with some bling to it! Sure, it’s still technically two Elysias welded together underneath, and nothing’s been done about the rust or that dodgy fuel pump, but hey, it’s got more than thirty speakers spread around the interior of the car with an absolutely banging subwoofer assembly behind the two rear racing seats with even more in the trunk to compliment the 32" flatscreen TV in the trunk for playing the in-built Playstation 2 and Nintendo Gamecube.

Outside, the once duct-taped doors have been fully welded shut and the door handles taken off to turn this bland sedan into a sporty coupe, and along with them the crappy steelies have been replaced with chromed-up 18" wheels tucked under extended fender flares that tie into the menacing aftermarket bodykit, rally inspired spoiler, shaved Lamborghini-style butterfly doors, angry eyelids on the eBay headlights and tacky- I mean wicked Skyline R34 taillights. And a white plastic kit looks pretty awkward on a car that’s tan and two different shades of white, so the car’s been professionally resprayed a nice vibrant metallic blue along with its custom orange decals and orange neon underglow.

It may still drive like a very tired mid-80s Korean subcompact sedan, but damn does it look good while breaking down for the seventh time this week.

[luna_on_venus]

hi yes im alive

1976 Blackwood Journeyman Special – “Built like bricks.”

Do you work construction? Do you have a boat? Are you no longer invited to Thanksgiving because you overshare your political views? Whatever your need or personality, the Journeyman is the all-American answer to the wave of imported pickup trucks flooding the palettes of the hard-working Joe. Equipped with a 307CUI pushrod V8 dropped in the L-Series, 198HP at the crank means it’s no Matador, but it has enough torque to tow a trailer full of logs, exactly 1,500 bricks, your grandpa’s boat, or a home on wheels.

And we understand that a pickup truck is a monument to what kind of person you are. You spend day after day working an honest job, your breakfast consists of a plate of slinger and a packet of Newports, and you have an inexplicable contempt for anybody from the state of California. And parked in your driveway at your home in Ankeny, Iowa that you bought outright on a fast food cashier’s salary in 1964 is a brand new Blackwood Journeyman.

1977 Blackwood Journeyman Trailhawk – “Sleazemobile, minus the shag.”

In your head, the 1970’s love for kitsch, shag carpeting and terrible facial hair is still going strong even as the decade comes to a close. You want one of those funky street cruisers all your friends are driving. But what is the point of a Streethawk? It’s a utility van with all its cargo space taken up by beds, minibars and suspiciously placed captain’s chairs. For the sleazeball who still has a blue collar day job, the Trailhawk is always there. Equipped with the mildly asthmatic 6.9L or 425CUI pushrod V8 tuned to put out a smidge over 200HP, it’s still slow as molasses; but going fast has never been your top priority anyways. Besides, with a vehicle like the Trailhawk, it’s never been about power, it’s always been about presentation.

The exterior features all the bells and whistles on the Streethawk; Funky stripes, chrome accents, accessories and exhaust, a sunroof, a painted matte-black scooped hood and sporty mag rims topped off with a spoiler. With the Trailhawk you get a paint-matched removeable bed cover and a chrome bullbar and rollbar with auxilliary foglights. So while you may not have a home in the back, you sure as hell will be able to fit a hot tub in the bed for all the bikini-clad Playboy models your Trailhawk is sure to attract.

1979 Blackwood Journeyman Camper – “The Crackhead’s Wheeled Palace.”

So you missed the boat on buying three homes and putting your four kids through college because you were born a decade too late. Not to worry, you can easily pick up a ratty old Blackwood Journeyman with a slide-on camper on a high school dropout’s dollar store cashier salary. Built only to the highest degree that one hundred and sixty-three bored and unionised manufacturing workers in Colorado could give, the great American passtime of yelling at random people from your trailer park spot has never been more luxurious, even earning the envy of the odd county police officer paying you a visit for the sixth time this month because somebody reported smoke leaking out the ill-fitting doors and window seals as you lit up to forget that you’ve amounted to jack-all in life. Truly, the art of being trailer park trash has never been better.

[luna_on_venus]

1964 Assalto 310 GTM Spatafora – “For Your Eyes Only.”

Whether it’s leisurely cruising down the winding roads of the Costa Riviera with a chainsmoking dame showing a generous half of her chest in the passenger seat or speeding towards a marina with a ferry waiting to bring you to safety in Corfu with a gang of henchmen armed to the teeth with submachine guns and Jaguar Mk. IIs in hot pursuit. Through thick and thin, through priceless Botswanan diamonds and nuclear missiles, the Assalto 310 GTM is the premier choice for grand touring and grand heisting.

Powered by a 3.1L V12 producing 278HP paired to a 5 speed manual with a secret button on the shifter knob to leak all the engine’s used oil on the road behind you. Inside you’ll find your choice of fine black or brown leathers, polished walnut accents, and enough buttons on the dashboard that connect to plenty of nasty little gizmos to foil plots at world domination and still have time to make it to the Casino Royale for a high stakes game of baccarat with eighty million francs and a shaken vodka martini on the table amongst the cards.

To be an Assalto owner is to be elegantly definitive, subtlely dominant, and silently deadly.

[luna_on_venus]

1984 Nakano Starstruck ST – “Stay With Me.”

Before the Invicta, there was the Starstruck. Before the discovery that Group A is actually rather quite fun, there was the Starstruck. Before the prevalence of bodycams and a distinct souring of public opinion towards police officers using violent means to take down the yakuza, there was the Starstruck illuminating the corpse of a kingpin lying dead on the alleyway concrete. Poised on a knife edge between being the ideal car to lean on whilst lighting your cigarette to calm your view of the Osaka Bay and being the only thing between you, your partner and a hail of bullets from gangsters, the Starstruck has been the ideal car for taking day trips into the mountains on the weekends and shutting down crime syndicates first thing Monday morning.

Powered by a turbocharged 2.4L I6 pushing 202HP, it’s more than capable of keeping up with Germany’s finest while delivering class-leading smoothness to the pedals. It’s everything you’d ever want out of a BMW, but with an even sharper eye for detail at half the price. From the brushed alloy wire rims to the meticulously designed AM/FM radio cassette entertainment delivering the greatest hits of Miki Matsubara in high fidelity sound, everything is designed to be a driver first experience at the highest quality.

And while no American would ever be caught dead in one, except maybe in the trunk, the detective unafraid of dirtying their badge a little to dish out an ice cold serving of justice and the organised crime boss who thinks it weak to be carted around in a limousine all night all over Asia will love the Starstruck for years to come.