In response to the newly revealed Calvinator Super Wagon, our engineers here at Megarooster Motor Company have been hard at work developing a competitor. We think we have it down, so here it is. The 2020 Megarooster Marcher - a capable and luxurious minivan.
The Touring is the trim aimed at clients looking for the ultimate luxury experience. At $110,000 (0% markup), the Marcher Touring is less than a third of the price of a Super Wagon. The naturally aspirated V12 mill moves this luxury vehicle to 60mph in only 2.8 seconds, while returning a solid 8mpg. If you felt like taking this 5174lb sleeper to the drag strip against your friend’s Camaro, you’ll surprise him by pulling down a 10.5 second run at 138mph. This vehicle is not meant for the drag strip, however, and carries all the amenities you could hope for. A brand new heads up display system allows you to view speed, gps information, and much more without looking away from the road. The stylish 20-inch rims will get you all the looks as you glide down the road with your utterly smooth 7 speed dual-clutch transmission, along with your seven other passengers all riding on rich Corinthian leather seats.
Now, if you’re the kind of guy who sees a minivan do a 10-second run in a quarter mile and says “that’s not fast enough”, then we also have something for you. Step up (or rather down, as it’s actually cheaper), to the Grand Prix trim:
Oh, did the shiny yellow thing catch your eye? We thought it would. That is the tip of the iceberg. Underneath the hood is an 8.6L V12 making 1130bhp. We got rid of the grill to allow maximum cooling, but more importantly, to let plebes see what real performance looks like.
If for some reason bright yellow doesn’t show the plebes what’s what, then the 26" rims will. If for some reason see-through wheels don’t show the plebes what’s what, maybe the massive dual exhaust routed through the liftback rear door will. If that fails, there is no hope.
The Grand Prix is optimized for the track, and as such it has removed many creature comforts to allow the maximum performance, bringing weight down to 3445lb. Also, weight reduction brings the mileage up to 9.5mpg. Savvy. With 4 bolstered alcantera seats, you can still take along several friends at the track to show them what real performance looks like. You will not find any entertainment system in here, no radio and no speakers - nor will you find a single airbag. All in the name of performance. Real performance.
No, the liftback rear door does not open. Real performance.
The Grand Prix is capable of reaching 60 in 2.7 seconds and reaching a top speed of 204mph. It would be faster, but we felt such a strong vehicle should have looks to match and stuck a massive GT wing on the roof. Even so, it makes mincemeat of the quarter-mile, running 9.9 seconds at 145mph. You don’t have to worry about hitting the wall at the end, because the vented brakes will bring you to a stop from 62 in only 89 feet. The Grand Prix isn’t only meant for straight-line speed, however, and on the ATT it will run a standing lap at 1:59:65.
Oh, and did we mention its cheaper? It starts at only $89,700 (0%)… you could buy 4 of these things for the price of a Calvinator! So what are you waiting for?