Last call. If you’re working on an entry and haven’t sent it yet, speak up. I have additional complete entries from:
@Isabella
@GassTiresandOil
@DuceTheTruth100
@Dog959
@nvisionluminous and @MoteurMourmin
@Ch_Flash
Waiting on:
@ldub0775
@supersaturn77
And… cut!
All entries received, judging in progress. Results may be… unexpected.
I think I know what that means lol. I kinda figured as soon as I saw a rear-engine wagon. I almost went that route, but I’m a sucker for traditional muscle.
Feels a bit cheese now since I’m the only one to do it, so feel free to bully me as much as you want if I don’t make top 3.
As the saying goes, “if it’s not in the rules, it’s allowed”.
Rear engine wagon is totally plausible!
And others existed around this time in non-exotic numbers.
October 2, 1970
Gasmean Auto Manufacturers Association headquarters
“Jenkins! Anderson! There you are! Hold up!” Wheezing and puffing, the middle manager - middle-aged and flabby around the middle - ran up, holding a memo.
“Yes sir, what is it?”
“Have all the delegation members arrived?”
“Yep, the last one just rolled in on its own power. Put on quite a show, too. We were about to go supervise the loading.”
“Let’s save the spectacles for when we arrive in Dalluha… And the reason I chased you down… Hold off on the loading… And take a look at this.”
He handed them the memo while catching his breath. Jenkins skimmed it, and summarized, “Apparently Big Boss just had a meeting with someone from the Department of Foreign Affairs, and they’re concerned about the diplomatic message that might be sent by sending sub-par vehicles. They want someone of Executive rank or higher to give everyone a brief once-over, and weed out cars that are legal but that would be a waste of the Sultan’s time. Upholding standards, it seems…”
The manager added, “I have the rank, but I haven’t actually seen any of them. You two have, so you show me what’s unsuitable and I’ll sign off on it, ok?”
“Of course, sir. Right this way…”
by @06DPA
They walked up to this oddly-styled red wagon on the back of a flatbed, around whose open hood a small crowd of lot workers were gathered, exchanging bewildered glances.
“What’s the matter?”
The driver of the truck, obviously irritated, called out from the cab, “I dunno why or how, and I don’t care, I just wanna get out of here, but there’s no engine in it, apparently. They loaded it before my shift - how, I have no idea - and for whatever goddamn reason the engine got left behind. I got other jobs to do; can you get this thing offa mah truck so I can git on em?”
“Well, we don’t want it either. This trade delegation is supposed to be complete, running, driving cars, with their matching engines. You’re going to have to take it right back to where it came from.” The driver began to redden and wind up to express his opinion of this course of action, but the manager quickly added, “We’ll pay you overtime for the haul here and back, will make it worth your trouble. Settling the bill with Mobula will be our problem.”
The driver let out a long breath, rolled his eyes, and wordlessly started up the truck. As soon as the attendants all got back on the ground, he nodded politely at the manager and took off.
The Mobula Torpedo GT V6 is binned for an incorrectly named engine. It would have placed 17th otherwise.
by @oldmanbuick
“Whew… after that jog to catch up to you, I’m ready for a nap.”
“Well, you’ve come to the right car. Flint: Feels Like It’s Nap Time.”
“YAAAWWNNN!”
“Hey, at least it’s honest about advertising itself accurately; the Show matches the Go. All dead-last 174 horses of it. The results are near or at the end of the rankings, too: 28.8s 1km (dead last), 7.8s 0-100 (third slowest), 211kph top speed (second slowest).”
“Flint is routinely good about such honesty…”
“It’s honestly not a bad car at all - reasonably comfortable (24.9), quite easy to drive (50.6, tied for third), above average engine reliability (69.3, fourth) and by far the most reliable elsewhere (84.3; second place is 79.7). It’s even somewhat fun to drive (14.1 Sport), and while it’s not terribly prestigious (39.4, third lowest), it’s safe, practical, and the cheapest to buy ($16500) and maintain ($997).”
“Solid car, but not a muscle car.”
by @lotto77
“Didn’t we just see this? Or am I still napping, now dreaming?”
"Looks like the Flint and is remarkably similar otherwise. Better-styled, not as well-engineered, but besides sharing a body, they both share the dubious honor of being the two least powerful and by most metrics slowest entries: 1km in 27.9 (second slowest), 0-100 in 7.8 (third slowest), and the brakes aren’t much either (50.6 100-0).
Comfortable (26.3), neither fun nor especially easy to drive (9.4 sport, 44.4 driveability), one wonders where the $21200 - nearly 5k more than the Flint - goes. It turns out to buy a sophisticated DOHC flat-six that is at once the most efficient engine, resulting in the highest fuel economy, yet manages to be the second most reliable motor here. Like the Flint, albeit in different ways, it too is a solid car, but not a muscle car."
by @eion
“Now, I’ve heard Dalluhans like their bling, but this is a bit much, no?”
“I dunno. It’s loud and gaudy, for sure, but cohesive.”
“Even the suspension and engine block are gold-plated, ferchrissake!”
“Most of it looks ok, though. The front is generic but pleasant, and the rear needs some detail work at the taillights’ outer edges, but looks pretty smart to me. Visuals aren’t the reason, at least not the main one, this isn’t going to Dalluha. The problem is the combination of mediocre performance (1km in 26.1s, 0-100 in 7.1s, 100-0 in 48.3m), high price ($24900), and by far the worst comfort of the entire lot (11.2; second worst is 19.1). It’s also the hardest of all to drive (38.0) and otherwise unremarkable.”
by @knugcab
“Wow! It’s not on the chopping block for its looks, I hope?”
“Certainly not; this is one of the best lookers here. It’s all cohesive, well-detailed, mostly well-executed, and visually interesting. A lot of details - some subtle, some not - add up to a treat for the eyes from any angle. I especially like the front end and the inset taillights. About its only design flaw in my eyes is the B-pillar, which should’ve been canted a hair back, to better align with the door seam angle.”
“Does it lack performance, then? It sure seems to claim some…”
“The claim is rather empty, unfortunately: all Show, not a lot of Go. It’s third-slowest in 1km (27.5s), second-slowest 0-100 (7.9). Not a lot of Stop, either; the 56.8 meters it takes to halt from 100kph are the longest of any entry, and 1.8% fade is enough to start being a problem. Practical, comfortable (29.3, second place), and decent enough to live with, but the poor showing in two of three high priorities means it won’t be shown in Dalluha.”
by @dog959
“Eww.”
“Oh come on, it’s not that bad…”
"It has some alright elements - the wheels, the stripe - but the overall shape looks like a dumpy British Leyland product. Worst of all is the grill: sagging, disjointed, and sloppy.
“Too bad, it actually has pretty competitive numbers. Well, some of them. It has the third least powerful engine, with a mere 224hp, but it’s also the lightest car here. Well-engineered, too: gearing, brakes, suspension are all set up properly. It scoots nicely at lower speeds, but once air drag becomes a factor, not so much. It sprints 1km in about* 25.7s and 0-100 in 6.0 (tied for fourth), coming back to a stop in 41.7m (fourth best), but tops out at 209kph.”
“It handles well and is very practical, but that’s not what makes a muscle car. It’s no accident that it also has the lowest prestige of all - 35.2.”
*Automation has a bug whereby reaching top speed within 1km displays that stat as 999s. Minor gearing revision was required to get a useable number.
by @Vento
“Blingy, but not overly so. The styling is mostly ok, just looks about a decade too modern, the wheels especially. I like the striping and the rear end arrangement, but that front overhang is massive, ruining the proportions. The big headlights don’t help, either.”
“Some solid engineering, with some superlatives, and some gaffes. The Luxury interior and good suspension tune give it by a vast margin the highest comfort of the lot (44.5; second place is 29.3), it’s very easy to drive (51.6, second) and somewhat fun too (15.2). But the maxed-out price, mediocre performance (25.6s 1km. 6.6s 0-100, 46.0m 100-0), and low reliability (59.9 engine, fourth lowest, and the rest 72.0, third lowest) don’t add up to something worth showing in Basara.”
“Yeah, let this thing cruise back to the future.”
“Same body as the Clari, and does a better job at being period-correct, but ultimately not quite there. The front looks like mid-60s elements plopped onto an 80s box, the rear is straight up out of the 80s, and the rest is ambiguous and tasteful enough to pass, visually, if not exactly shine.”
“I agree about the rear being way too 80s-boxy, but the side view especially is quite nice, with the wheels, the subtle stripe decals, and the vinyl roof with a dragon badge. This isn’t being culled for visuals so much as performance and value, or the lack therof. It’s middling at best - 26.4s km, 0-100 in 7.3s, 100-0 in 54.1m. It’s the fourth least-comfortable car here (19.4), though the handling and feel do compensate somewhat (17.9 sportiness). If it were a good value proposition, this might fly, but at $22900, well over the soft cap, it doesn’t.”
“Smart-looking design, but looks a bit austere and utilitarian even to us. If the Dalluhans like bling, I don’t see them going for this.”
“Yeah, it’s got some good details, but too few, too small, too modest. Does it understate its performance, or represent it accurately?”
“The latter. Despite a beefy 371hp V8, it’s the slowest of all 0-100 (8.1s), fourth-slowest in a km (26.6s), third-longest 100-0 (52.2m). On top of that, driving it isn’t especially easy or fun (45.6 drive, 11.9 sport), and the engine is the third least reliable here (57.0). It does have the highest prestige rating of all entries (52.9), mostly due to the same bulk that makes it a mediocre performer.”
“That prestige is valid for the general populace, but for this demographic in this market, the looks and performance don’t add up to much.”
“What’s up with the all-terrain tires?”
“Purely decorative. Which is even more puzzling.”
Your Highness:
I had hoped that my company would be able to present an automobile for your consideration as part of the recent trade delegation of the Gasmean Automobile Manufacturers’ Association. Unfortunately, our automobile was deemed the least worthy of your consideration and was barred from the delegation, even though our automobile was deemed reliable, safe, practical, inexpensive to purchase and maintain, “reasonably comfortable,” and even “somewhat fun to drive.”
I have no doubt that the delegation presented you with any number of so-called “muscle cars” that offer up irresponsible amounts of horsepower to anyone with a driver’s license and encourage them to use it irresponsibly through their aggressive marketing and advertising campaigns. While Flint certainly believes there is a place for motorsport, it is not on public roadways.
Should your citizens tire of being harassed by adrenaline-addled adolescents hopped up on high horsepower turning your nation’s roadways into a carnage-strewn racetrack, please consider me always personally at your disposal to discuss more practical automobiles.
Sincerely,
Dale Anderson
Chief Executive Officer
Flint Motor Company
[This is supposed to be playing along in good fun, not a ding at other entries or sour grapes about my last-place finish, which is not surprising given my engineering choices. I have decided to lean into Flint being basically what a car company run by Consumer Reports and the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety would look like, which means it has a strained relationship with muscle cars.]
I love that this made it in here! I didn’t realize anyone even noticed this when I floated it on the Discord a while back. Thanks @moroza for the fun review, and good luck to all in your efforts to sell to adrenaline-addled adolescents hopped up on high horsepower 
All terrain FUCKING tires??!!!
-takes L and goes to sit in the corner.
To the best of my knowledge, I don’t remember any American or Australian muscle car from the 60s or 70s ever being fitted with those from the factory. Those things are better suited for something that’s meant to go off-road (4x4 pickups and SUVs come to mind).
Unexpected results have begun and there are more to come. Stay tuned.
Thanks
I made a huge mistake.
Is there a lore reason I forgot to name the engine? Am I stupid?
SATURN DOES A LATE AD AGAIN WOOO
Here at Audax, we know a thing or two about making something special.
Take our 369ci “Magic” series V8 — that’s right about 6.0L for you export-market admirers. It’s no slouch in any application we’ve put it up to. As the biggest block in our range, its raw displacement isn’t the highest on the market, but everyone knows that deep growl means business. Possibly even moreso than some bigger blocks. And if you really want more displacement, ask about a model with a nice big blower sitting pretty atop that big block.
We’re sure you’ll be more than satisfied with the result.
The process is deceptively simple: take our fantastic Voyager, a delightful new mid-range offering with a variety of options ranging from fuel-efficient simpler forms to upscale lavish accommodations for the whole family, and supply it with an immensely high output V8 that’s built like a tank compared to some of our competitors. (We actually tried giving it aluminum heads — it whined in disapproval. The mass market form is all-iron, all-business, but you can certainly custom order yours in aluminum guise — contact your local dealer for more info.)
Thus, the Voyager’s ever-muscular Super form was made, including other fixings like grippy radial tires to handle all that power, a limited-slip differential to make sure the tires get all that power, and a four-speed manual to get the power there good and fast. No need to wait, right? You want to get there in style and have fun doing it. We know.
We also made sure to throw in some other nice treats. Disc brakes, stylish hidden headlamps, and things you can expect from any Audax product, like interior trimmings that’ll make your living room jealous, advanced safety features beyond the competition, and a standard full-size spare, even in a car like this. Just be careful, because that Magic gives Voyager Super quite the attitude adjustment, and you need to be up to the task of taming such a beast. It’s very rewarding, though. We hope you like it as much as we do.
Oh, and you’re welcome.
P.S: …oh, it took me this long to realize I forgot to give it amber rear turn signals lol, guess that’s a problem for the import dealerships to fix…
Stupid lettering, Ill watch for that from now on. You had me thinking I completely fucked up.
Hence “purely decorative”, as was mentioning them at all; I didn’t take any points off for the tire covers, just their lettering and tread pattern seemed out place.
So… I was wrong about the car having actual all-terrain tires (engineering-wise). However, there are indeed some wheel mod fixtures (such as those in Aruna’s wheel packs) that add lettering to the tires (regardless of their type and compound), and in some cases, the lettering makes them look like all-terrain tires, even when they’re not.
