Team Shift Happens
Prologue, Part 1
Prologue, Part 2
Prologue, Part 3
Powering Up
Driver’s Log 2
April 1, 2023, Shitbox Rally Starting Location, Nevada, 10:00 AM
The Drivers Meeting
Malavera looked out over the crowd of drivers, standing on top of the Home Unit’s rear cargo platform to make himself visible to everyone. He thought back over the arrivals yesterday, the tech inspections he’d performed, the mix of vehicles that would be running soon. Everything from Team M.A.D. getting some mirrors attached to their vehicle in the parking area, to the Sinesian Rejects’ “Frankencar” were now considered legal. Some vehicles clearly were proper shitboxes, one truck returned from the year before, there were a couple of airplane-engined monsters out in the field, a very-wide military truck, and a few large vehicles for good measure.
Realizing everyone was standing there waiting for him, courtesy of Kayden warning them all, “If you don’t shut up, I’ll make Kaylie’s roar yesterday sound quiet,” Malavera mentally prepared his driver’s meeting speech.
“Welcome, everyone, to the second annual Shitbox Rally! Like last year, I hope there will be many more to go after this one. Unlike last year, where I had the drivers’ meeting early and let things sit for a while, this year, we’re doing the meeting before we go. Kaylie, Jayde, and Rukari are currently passing out rings for your team members. Yes, this is why your application form asked for your ring size. Last year, these were copper, this year, we had them made in braided silver after some concerns that copper turns people’s fingers green. These rings are important, as first and foremost, they are going to allow you to communicate with the locals. Second, they act as a tracking beacon for our team, so if you’re stalled and need a rescue, we know you’re stuck. Third, they act as an emergency teleport back to here. This time, we’ve ensured that, yes, you will be transported back here, not to wherever you think home is. We’ll have a few people checking in on the campsite every few hours in case people have had to use it.”
He took a deep breath, then continued, “To use the ring, turn it while it’s on your finger and say “I want to go home” three times within 15 seconds. Jayde assures us that this time, the teleportation will not damage your vehicles, and so each person can use their one-way teleport safely. The last person to leave will bring the car with them. In the case of two car teams, it’s the last two people. Also, and this was mentioned by Kivenaal, do not, under any circumstances, use the teleport ring in the Rift. As he put it, “Trying to find where all the pieces of you ended up could be a real pain.” You’ll also find that Kayden is handing out folders with maps inside. These are the “recommended” routes, of course, but if you find a shortcut, you’re free to try taking it. However, Kivenaal has mentioned many of these are already the fastest route to take.”
Malavera took another deep breath, then added, “With that out of the way, let’s get into the rules, shall we? The big one is called, “Don’t be a dick.” If someone’s stuck in the ditch or has their hood open, or calls out for help over the radio, remember, this isn’t exactly a race. It’s better to stop and help someone out than it is to blow their doors off while hanging a moon out of your window and blaring an air horn. After all, you might be the next one broken down, and I’m sure you want someone to help you out when you have car trouble. The second rule was mentioned in the email, but for those who only skimmed it, or have forgotten in the long months since that event, it’s “Leave nothing but your tire tracks.” Don’t throw your garbage all over the world. Don’t chuck broken spare parts into the woods. Now, we’re not going to go out of our way to insist that, if you’ve had a catastrophic failure and parts came flying out, that every part must be picked up, but if you’ve had a spark plug get mechanically regapped by the piston, or an air-filter get clogged up, don’t throw those parts. Store them away and either dispose of them in a garbage can, or take them back home. If you’re eating food from plastic containers or drinking beverages from aluminum cans, make sure they end up in the garbage. The locals will not be happy at finding Mudweiser cans in their river, or Tasti-Cola bottles tossed onto the roadside.”
Malavera then glanced over the field, locking eyes with a couple of people in the crowd. “Last year, those were basically all the rules, but this year, we have to mention a few more. It shouldn’t have to be said, “Do not drink and drive,” but last year, someone did. Last year, that someone got their team ejected from the competition. This year, if someone does that, well… One, not just will they be banned from Shitbox Rally for life, Jayde has mentioned he will personally make sure that you spend the next 3 Aetheriian years in a Nehmenweld jail cell, as that is Nehmenweld’s punishment for “Drunken Operation of a Motorized Vehicle.” For those of you thinking 3 years sounds a bit short,” Malavera said, pausing so Jayde could take over in that moment.
“By your years, I am 54 years old. By the years I’ve counted for most of my life, however, I am a bit over 35,” Jayde said.
“For those less mathematically inclined, that means one of their years is a bit over a year and a half here,” Malavera said. “Another rule is that you are not, under any circumstances, to bump any of the four steam cars or their trailers while in the convoy. Not just will you piss off Val, you’ll piss off me. Val might cut your team off from power and demand you go home. I might break your legs first before Kivenaal sends you home. Likewise, I’d advise not bumping into the HD-GV units or their trailers. Kasiya is very proud of the deal he got on them, and he was the one who had them painted. If you scratch or scuff the paint, well… We’ve been working with him on when it’s okay to confront people, and if you really want 500 kilograms of 3 meter tall werewolf pissed off at you, go right ahead and bump those trucks. Last, but not least, do not mess with our camp lights. If you short out the lighting circuit and trip the breaker, we’re leaving the camp in the dark. Have fun finding the shit-house when you can’t see it, and while it’s dark, pray we don’t encounter any local wildlife.”
Malavera then decided to wrap up the meeting. “Now, we’re starting at 12:00 PM. You can call it noon, or 1200 hours if you prefer those terms instead. When we enter or exit the Rift, you need to be single-file. The door isn’t wide enough for people to go through two-at-a-time safely. While we’re in the Rift, we will be driving in a convoy, at 55 miles per hour. If anyone needs fuel, we’ll stop and fill up from onboard reserves. If anyone breaks down, we’ll stop and try to help out. With all of that said, we’ve got one hour and 42 minutes before we have to leave, so, get your brunch going, pack your supplies, stow your power cables, make sure your cars are ready to go. I think that’s about everything.”
Kasiya, standing there in his light gray armor, looked out over the crowd, then said to Malavera, "You forgot to tell them, “Good luck and have fun!”
Malavera face-palmed both of his heads, then said, “As the armored werewolf said, Good luck, stay safe, and have fun!”